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Clementine adjusted the strap of her backpack on her shoulder and followed Violet inside her grandma's small house. She clumsily took off her shoes and curled her frigid toes into the soft carpet, grateful for her thick socks and boots. Violet was less fortunate though, pulling off soaking wet chucks and throwing them to the corner of the door, sighing at the pitiful squish they let out. Violet cracked her knuckles and walked to the living room, Clementine followed.
"One day I will steal your boots, Clem, you just wait."
Clementine snorted, adjusted her hat, and looked around the small house, a weird sort of warmth filling her from head to toe.
"God, I love this house way too much," whispered Clementine.
She felt her heart pang at the little insecure smile and shrug Violet gave her. She didn't believe her.
Shaking her head in disappointment, Clementine held her tongue, reassurances ready to slip out. She would tell her those later when her mind wasn't so afraid.
“Home frozen home,” Violet said as she walked over to the thermostat and turned it up a degree.
The heater turned on and she could feel her body thawing out, the plush floors a nice and welcoming contrast to the hard freezing snow outside. Clementine sniffed and kept quiet as she looked at the various portraits and knick knacks, unsure of how to continue.
A thick awkwardness hung in the air, and Clementine felt her hands start to become sticky with cold sweat. She thought about saying something but her tongue felt too slow. She swallowed thickly and shoved her awkwardness down with an uneasy smile.
There were other things to be concerned about anyways, like the fact that her heart rate and the butterflies in her tummy hadn’t slowed down since she met with Violet after school. This combined with how she spent thirty minutes last night picking out an outfit, and then spent another agonizing fifteen getting a disgruntled Louis to approve of it, rang bells. Really loud ones that Clementine completely "ignored".
At least until she remembered Minerva existed, the awkwardness of having to acknowledge the angst of reality suffocatingly painful.
But it wasn't like she needed to know anyways, Violet included.
She just needed to get over it and then everything would be okay again. Not like it was the end of the world, she could hide it for a couple more months, no problem.
Clementine felt her anxiety build at the silence and her face flush at the gentle smile Violet gave her as they walked to her room. The butterflies suddenly felt like wasps.
It was going to be a problem.
She felt her mouth move, “So . . . Fridays, huh?”
Violet snorted and rolled her eyes fondly at Clementine. She crossed her arms.
“Yeah, sooo exciting right? What about getting high for the first time? Are you a real high schooler now?”
Clementine nervously chuckled, admiring how cute Violet looked with a bright red nose and ruddy cheeks.
“Only as real as those A24 coming-of-age films are.”
As they put their things down in Violet’s room, Clementine contemplated how good of an idea this was. Spending the night with Violet seemed rather . . . dangerous. She internally panicked and sighed.
Isn’t high school the time to make stupid mistakes anyways?
Clementine had done worse things. Besides, maybe getting high would help her nerves around Violet.
Violet went to her closet and dug out a small bag from the corner. It was purple and had a couple of worn out buttons pinned onto the front of it. Violet sat on the floor and began to empty its contents.
“So you wanna smoke with me?”
Clementine nodded, aware of the fact that Violet was very skeptical of her actually wanting to. She sat down on the bed and watched Violet pull out a jar, a tray, and a thin torn out page.
“Yeah, I swear I’m not like, peer pressured or whatever, I just wanna know how it feels.”
Louis told her it felt like being air and that it would help her relax, something she desperately needed with finals approaching quickly.
Violet opened a mason jar and wrinkled her nose at the heavy scent of skunk that was let out. She placed it next to a tray and put an orange BIC lighter in her hoodie pocket. She then pulled out a pale blue sheet of card stock and an orange pill bottle.
“Just making sure, Clem, don’t you know that weed is demonic?" Violet paused and rummaged in her bag for something, "Um, can you give me some scissors please?”
Clementine got up and went over to her backpack, pulling out her pencil case and grabbing a pair of red scissors. She sat down in front of Violet and gave them to her, ignoring the tingle in her hands when their fingertips touched. She bit the inside of her cheek and babbled a response.
“I mean, how demonic can it be if Louis smokes it.”
Violet cut out a rectangle from the page and then started to cut a smaller rectangle out of the cardstock. She smiled and looked up at Clementine.
“What do you mean, have you seen his chair leg weapon? That boy is something else,” Violet opened the pill bottle and began to inspect the small buds in her jar. “Besides, we’re using Bible pages as rolling paper so we’re definitely gonna go to hell.”
Clementine’s brow furrowed as she briefly considered the possible incoming consequences. Louis had told her that it didn't taste particularly good and that it would burn, which wasn't terribly appealing. She also found herself feeling a bit anxious because of Violet's presence.
Violet dropped a couple of buds in the pill bottle and closed the lid. She looked at Clementine’s hesitant face and placed her hand on Clementine’s knee in an effort to be reassuring.
“Don’t worry, they don’t have any print, they’re blank. We aren’t gonna get anymore cancer than the usual lung one.”
It didn’t really help her fried nerves but she knew Violet was just showing her that she cared. She gave her the pill bottle and didn’t comment on Clementine’s pink cheeks.
“Now do me a favor and shake the shit out of this bottle.”
---
Clementine carefully took the burning joint from Violet’s fingertips and rolled it gently in between her index and thumb. It smelled way worse than what she remembered from the last time she saw Louis smoke, maybe because she was finally the one behind the joint rather than far away from it.
She watched Violet exhale and the thin gray smoke dissipate into the air. Violet sniffed and turned to face her.
“You’re gonna cough real bad and you’ll maybe burn your throat. Just sip and sip again, don’t choke.”
Clementine raised her eyebrow.
“What does that even mean?”
Violet watched the smoke rise into the air from the lit joint and licked her lips.
“You know, just breathe past the burn? I guess? Just don’t let it get caught in your throat.”
Clementine stared at the filter, the smoke creeping through the spirals of the cardstock. Now that she was about to smoke, she was rather indifferent. It felt as mundane as watching Louis smoke with Violet and Clementine wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad one. She felt her lip quirk up as the heat from the cherry warmed her fingers.
It made her a little dizzy to know that she would be sharing a joint with Violet, second hand kisses and such, but she pushed the feeling aside, figuring it was just her romanticizing smoking. Honestly, if she thought about it hard enough, she could feel her pink baby lungs turn into shriveled gray raisins.
Her mind briefly reminded her about an antidrug commercials she saw when she was little, and the “contract” she signed in middle school forbidding her from doing any drug.
How ironic that she would've been surrounded by it in high school. She guessed that it was something to have expected, but she was pretty tired of showing up to parties and being bodied by the putrid smell of weed and alcohol.
She looked at the patio, the dark wood floor dirty and creaky. Violet crossed her legs and leaned back into the old brown couch with a knowing look on her face. Clementine sighed and dropped her shoulders, hoping to release any tension she had.
“What if I’m allergic and die or something?”
Violet laughed and sat closer to Clementine.
“You’re gonna do fine. Just breathe in and in again.”
Clementine brought the joint closer to her lips. Violet snorted as she watched her go cross eyed.
“Uh . . . can I have some water if I’m supposedly gonna choke and burn?”
Clementine just wanted to be alone so she could choke and cough without the embarrassment of doing it in front of Violet.
“Oh yeah, sure, I’ll go get some.”
Violet got up and walked back inside, leaving Clementine alone and cold.
Clementine felt her racing heart start to calm and took a short drag, feeling the heat of the smoke go down her throat and linger in it as she inhaled. She coughed and cleared her throat, the heavy taste of skunk and burnt paper coating her tongue as the smoke left her lips. She swallowed and stared at the joint in her fingers, wondering if she was high yet.
Clementine didn’t really know what to expect, but feeling the exact same wasn’t something she had thought could happen. Her lungs sort of burned and her mouth tasted gross but otherwise, she was sober. She furrowed her brow in confusion and took another drag, making sure the smoke hung in her lungs for a couple of seconds before releasing it.
Clementine turned her head when she heard Violet open the door again and watched her place two juice boxes and a bottle of water down on the short table in front of them. Clementine took another drag, this time slightly longer, before passing it to Violet, quickly realizing her mistake as she inhaled the smoke too quickly. Her eyes widened as she felt a sharp heat in her throat. She held the smoke as best as she could, before coughing it all out.
There went her dignity.
Clementine felt a wave of heat color her face as she sputtered, faintly feeling Violet pat at her back gently.
“Oh shit,” Clementine hacked out. The smoke clung to her throat like how claws dugs into skin and it burned. She wheezed a few more times and rubbed her watery eyes.
She opened the bottle of water and sipped it a bit, the cold soothing the raw burn.
“I know what you mean now by not letting it catch, holy fuck,” Clementine husked out.
Violet smirked before taking a long drag and spoke as she held the gray in her lungs.
“Yeah, it fucking sucks but it’ll go away in a thirty minutes or an hour, somewhere around there,” She blew out the smoke and grinned, “It happens to all of us when we smoke the first couple of times, you should’ve seen Louis the first time he smoked, he threw up from how hard he coughed.”
Clementine nodded, her ears hot as she took the joint back and puffed, the smoke irritating her lungs. She let out a small cough and swallowed down another sip of water, the burn pulsing each time she breathed. She passed it to Violet and watched her smoke before grabbing a juice box. Stabbing the straw in, she cleared her throat. It felt like moving hot coals.
She really should’ve listened to all of the Project Safety lessons her teachers gave.
“Fuck, why would anyone do this more than once then?”
Violet plucked the box from Clementine’s hands, “Because we just love burning the shit out of our throats,” She took a drink and gave it back to Clementine, “Give it a bit, it isn’t instant, Clem.”
Clementine’s hearted stammered and she looked away as she sipped. It vaguely felt like moving through syrup. Clementine turned her head again and snorted, the light haze a nice distraction from the fire in her windpipe.
How anticlimactic.
The realization of what the rest of day had in store for her fully set in. She could already feel the regret seeping into her bones.
“Yeah, not instant my ass, I can already feel it, Vi,” Clementine muttered. Mischief sparkled in Violet’s eyes.
“Oh? I guess I’ll be sure to not let you smoke too much.”
Violet tapped the joint a couple of times to ash it, and then passed it. She looked at Clementine thoughtfully as she smoked, nodding when Clementine did it without hacking up a lung. Warmth bloomed inside her chest when she saw that Violet seemed to be actually impressed with her. Clementine furrowed her brow and swallowed down a cough.
It was probably just the weed.
---
“You know, I used to hate you.”
It took Clementine a second to process those words. Fuck, it was really hitting her. Turning to face Violet on the couch, Clementine opened her eyes and blinked a few times.
“What?”
“When I first met you, I fucking hated you. I thought you were stuck up and so . . . perfect. It was frustrating, you know?” Violet put out the roach on the table next to the empty juice boxes. “You were just . . . you just came in and – and swept everyone off their feet. You’re so smart and pretty and athletic, god, I thought you were so stuck up for it.”
Green met brown. Funnily enough, they were both blushing for once.
Clearing her hot throat, Clementine rearranged herself so that she was facing Violet while sitting criss cross. She shifted the brim of her worn hat and shrugged, uncomfortably trying to ignore Violet’s sharp eyes. Did she get prettier? She briefly closed her eyes and felt the room spin uncontrollably and far too quickly.
Fuck, she was decently high and actually having this conversation with her crush. She had to be in the wrong timeline.
Whatever.
Opening her eyes, Clementine met Violet’s and winked.
“I . . . I’m sorry for being the girl of your dreams, Vi.”
Violet let out a nervous bitter laugh and finished Clementine’s water before placing the roach and empty straw wrappers in it. She sat to face Clementine and cleared her throat.
“Yeah, that you were.”
Clementine’s ears perked up, the crunch of cheap plastic irritating yet grounding. Heart pounding in her throat, Clementine bit the inside of her cheek. Bells rung in her head.
“And why didn’t you ask me out then?” Clementine asked, her tongue thick and heavy in her mouth.
She felt herself start to sweat even though it was freezing cold outside. She even saw a slight pink to Violet's ears that made her hopes soar.
"I um . . . I dunno."
Clementine giggled at Violet’s reddening face and smirked.
“C'mon, we could’ve had a couple of dates at the garden center, gotten married after our 2 week anniversary, and moved to a cottage in the middle of the French countryside, but none of it happened just because you didn’t ask me out.“
Violet looked at her and glanced at her lips, "Honestly? If it weren't for Minnie, I definitely would've."
Clementine's heart skipped a beat and she hit Violet's arm in disbelief. It felt like moving through molasses and it made her want to giggle.
"Shut the fuck up you liar!"
Violet laughed and shook her head, "I'm being dead serious, Clem, you're just . . . yeah."
Clementine beamed and wiggled her eyebrows, "I'm just what?"
"Don't flatter yourself, loser, anybody with a functioning brain cell would date you," Violet giggled, her eyes holding a type of longing Clementine was too high to recognize.
Clementine shook her head and felt her heart ache, "Sure but it's different when you say it."
She panicked for a second, wondering if she had crossed a line. She looked down, unable to meet Violet's piercing stare.
Violet's brow rose and a blush coated her cheeks, "And why is that?"
Clementine's heart pounded as she tried to appear as nonchalant as possible, "I maybe . . . would've liked to entertain the idea."
Her face felt like it was on fire and she couldn't help the hopeful tilt in her voice as she resisted the urge to kiss Violet.
Violet chuckled, "Okay maybe I let you smoke too much."
She sighed, "No, Vi, I'm being dead serious."
She shifted, her head resting on Violet's lap and legs stretched out over the arm rest, arms crossed on her chest. She grinned as Violet flicked her ear in mock annoyance
"Yeah right, only in my dreams, Clem. Don't play with me like that.”
Clementine adjusted her hat through the fog of syrup and felt herself sink deeper into the couch. She lazily smiled and held back another giggle as she looked up into green eyes.
"Violet?”
"Yeah?" She whispered, her hands tracing the line of Clementine's jaw.
"You're so fucking oblivious." Her eyes closed and she felt a nice warmth bubble in her chest.
Violet scoffed and blushed, "Whatever! It's not like you knew when I liked you!"
Clementine sighed and felt her heart flutter as Violet stole her hat.
"Well then we're both stupid."
She could wait.
Grabbing her shirt tightly, Clementine felt herself sway gently, like a nice little cloud being pushed by the wind. She hummed and purred as Violet traced patterns on her cheek.
Clementine could definitely wait.