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Neil’s death swept over Welton like a hurricane, damaging everything in its path, before anything could be done to stop it. Before the poets knew it, they had lost Mr Keating and Charlie too, they had been swept up in the fallout, blamed for damages they had not caused. As Charlie packed his room away, preparing to leave Welton, Todd entered quietly, silently preparing himself to say goodbye to a friend for the second time. Charlie looked up to see his friend, and offered him a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and turned back to his desk to pick something up.
“Hi Todd,” Charlie said, weakly, “I found this, and I thought you should have it.” He passed over a small photograph, showing a sepia toned Neil one night in the cave, looking up at the camera, smiling widely. The picture was blurry, but Todd would swear he could make out every line and dimple on Neil’s face. He stared at it for a few moments, dumbstruck, before he realised, he had never said thank you to Charlie, or said goodbye, which was the whole reason he had come to him in the first place.
“Thank you, are you sure I can have this?” he asked, timidly, somewhat scared of Charlie giving him an answer he didn’t want, for he wanted nothing more than to keep the photo close to him forever.
“Of course,” Charlie smiled, once again not reaching his eyes, “I have a bunch, and besides, I think you loved him more than the rest of us did, keep it.” He turned back to his packing, and Todd thought about his words, had he really loved Neil the most?
“Thanks, again,” he said shaking off his thoughts, “I will miss you; it’ll be weird with everyone gone.” Charlie answered by giving him a hug, too drained to force himself to make a witty remark, and Todd held him tightly back, the two boys sharing their pain and sorrow in the touch, knowing that once they parted it would really be the end of how things had once been.
Later that night, as the moon hung low in the sky, its blue light casting small shadows over the grounds, Todd Anderson sat on his windowsill looking out over to the silvery lake. Sleep would not come to him that night, the grief for Charlie, for Mr Keating and above all for Neil, hung too heavy in his lungs. His thoughts wandered back to the words Charlie had uttered a few hours before, confused over why he had assumed it was Todd who ha loved Neil the most. He knew all the other boys had loved him deeply, Charlie more than most, and they had known him longer than he. Neil’s departure from their lives creating a greater hole, for they could scarcely remember a life without him. Todd however, he had only known him a few months, and he did love Neil, and his soul did feel split in two in grief, but he found it hard to believe he felt any different to his friends. Neil had been the best of them, for if he was the sun, the other poets had been the planets orbiting it, without their sun, they were all plunged into a lonely, seemingly perpetual darkness. Todd’s heart filled with a sudden longing to see Neil’s face, so he wandered softly to his desk and picked up the photograph gently, his eyes drinking in all of it, scared the Neil in the photo too would disappear at any moment.
His thoughts continued to wonder, the Neil he was staring at, morphing and moving into snapshots of memories inside his head. He thought back to the first time they met, the way Neil had welcomed him into the group, and into the school quickly and effortlessly. He remembered Neil approaching him in the showers, in their dorm room, in class, constantly bringing him into his group of friends. Giving Todd a place, making him feel at home, even bending the rules of the society just so he could join. Todd had never, and he thought he would never again, feel more welcomed by or at home with anyone so much as he did with Neil. The boy carved out a place in life for Todd, one that was by his side, and now he was gone, Todd did not know where he would fit.
He looked again to the photo in his hand, at Neil’s bright smile, and he remembered the night it was taken. It was their first meeting, and Todd had entered nervous, but ended the night feeling more alive than he ever had. He had friends, and poetry, and laughter and he had Neil. Neil had smiled at him in a way that had that had taken his breathe away, and Todd and smiled back in a way that made his cheeks hurt. It had been cold that night, cold enough to see Neil’s breath, cold enough to need to huddle closer for warmth, cold enough for a faint flush to appear on Neil’s cheek. Charlie had taken his camera out and photographed them all that night, claiming it to be some kind of initiation, and Todd held Neil’s photo in his hand and started to weep. The memory forever encapsulated in that photo was one of his fondest, and if he looked close enough he could see his own knee in the left hand of the photo, where Todd felt he would always belong, and in that moment he thought there was nothing he would not do to be able to crawl right into the photo and relive that moment, just one last time.
The fondness of his memories startled Todd, the feelings that had been brought back up to the surface alarming. Todd knew that he loved Neil, but it seemed that in his absence he had forgotten quite how much. He started to wonder if Charlie was right after all, if he loved Neil more than he thought he had. Todd was insecure, but not stupid, and he knew that Neil had loved him too, that was hard to ignore, as he had seemed hellbent in making it obvious in all that he did. Todd had always been someone who was fine on his own, used to it even, he hadn’t needed anyone. When he told Neil this, that he could take care of himself just fine, he truly meant it, he knew he was fine on his own. The no he had got in response spoke a thousand words. Todd had asked what he meant, but deep down he knew. He knew it meant he wouldn’t be left on his own again, he knew it meant Neil didn’t want him to have to take care of himself, that he was there, and that he loved him. They were brothers now, and that meant caring for each other. Todd remembers how warm his heart felt as they chased each other around the room, and he realised then that he didn’t want to do it alone again. On his birthday, when they threw that stupid desk set off the roof, Neil showed him this time, that he didn’t need to take care of himself anymore. Todd for the first time in his life knew he was loved. The warmth of these memories chilled him to the bone. Todd didn’t know what he would do next year when inevitably his parents sent him the same desk set, he was once again back to taking care of himself, alone. It had never hurt like this before, but now he knew what it was like when things were different. He looked back to the smiling boy in his hands and he wanted to scream, wanted to ask him how he had left him alone, that he had promised to stay with him, but more than that he wanted to reach out to him. To touch him, to hold him, to tell him he didn’t need to carry it all alone either.
Todd missed the way Neil felt, he missed his warmth, he missed his smell. Sometimes at night he would creep across the room to lie in Neil’s old bed, trying to will his nose to pick up the remnants of his smell. But the sheets were gone and the last of Neil with it. His own knee in the corner of the photo made his heart ache. In the cave, Neil and Todd had always sat together, knees pushed together, hands sometimes touching, shoulder to shoulder. Their bodies keeping each other warm. The touch had always made Todd feel safe, the blush on his cheeks kept him warm. Neil was a tactile person, his hands always made their way to Todd’s shoulder, his face would often come dangerously close to his own. Todd remembered one night, after his birthday, when Neil had brought him up to the roof to use Meeks and Pitts’ radio. He had said it was to make up for the crappy birthday he’d had a few days before, Todd could’ve cried at that moment. No one had ever, and he doubt ever would again, done something so nice for him before. They sat on the roof for hours, headphones on, Neil preferring to dance along to the music, whilst Todd sat on the ledge and listened, immersing himself in the music and the lyrics, allowing his eyes to linger on Neil’s oddly graceful body. His carefree dancing causing a smile to form on Todd’s lips. The song changed to one slower, softer, Paul Anka’s smooth vocals flowing into their ears as the radio played ‘Put your head on my shoulder’. The air on the roof changed and Neil had looked over to Todd and reached out his hand.
“Dance with me,” he said, and when Todd hesitated, he looked at him, really looked at him and whispered, “please.”
So the two boys came together, bodies becoming one as the music filed their souls. Softly, as the lyrics said, they held each other in their arms. Cautiously, Neil had placed his head on Todd’s shoulder, just faintly, but Todd would remember that pressure for the rest of his life. And as he sat on the window ledge a month later, the song played in his head, and Todd realised his shoulder would always yearn for that touch, and his arms would always feel empty. The moment back then had passed as quickly as it had started, Todd going back to his quiet contemplation and Neil to his dancing. Everything the same, but nothing the same.
Todd realised now, as he sat alone in his room, what he should have realised that night when Neil had rested his head on his shoulder. It dawned upon him in a sickening wave, as he finally understood what Charlie had meant when he had said he had been the one who had loved Neil the most. Todd had been in love with Neil. Neil had loved him to, this he felt like a punch to his gut. He thought once again to the ways Neil had showed him, he was welcome, had been his home. He thought of the dance and wished he’d been less stupid, less stuck in his head, and had taken the plunge and just kissed him. Kissed those lips he remembered in smiles and laughter, but never got to feel. The awful thing about hindsight is that there is nothing one can do. Neil was a supernova, a star that was burning out, ever since Todd had met him. On the stage that fateful night he had burnt brighter than ever, Todd was unable to keep his eyes off him, no one was. Neil had always carried a sadness with him, burdened upon him by his father. He was a match destined to burn out, and Todd knew this, Todd had watched him hurtle towards his end, had watched him drive away, had seen in his eyes that this would be the last time they’d seen each other. Still he couldn’t help but think, if he had realised back then, if he had seen the cues, and listened to carpe diem, if the ending would’ve been changed.
As the moonlight shone blue light onto the shadows of Todd’s face, silvery tears fell down his cheeks, he took one last look at the photo in his hands and reached down and placed a soft kiss on the soft sepia toned Neil.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, more to himself than anyone else, “I love you; I hope you knew that.”
Todd placed the photo under his pillow, no longer needing to look at it, having committed it to memory, but feeing unable to be too far from it, and fell into a restless sleep, tears still making their way down his cheeks. The ache in his heart deep and relentless. It is one thing to have loved and have lost, it is another to have lost before you even got to love at all.