Archive of Our Own

Rainy season in Seoul meant the rain came and it poured. With the humidity and warm temperatures, the summers were long and hot. June through August was hot and unbearable in many ways. Between the temperature and the humidity, going outside was not ideal. Throw in a busy schedule with bad weather, you get a lot of delays, and rushing to adhere to the schedule. Now add an idol group with eight members, and the chaos gets crazier.

Felix was scheduled to do a lot of recording for his part on After School Club. That meant he was gone from the dorm from early morning until late night, for several days. The first few days of the bad weather, it wasn’t too bad. The rain was draining and only some neighborhoods had minor flooding.

Saturday, was the worst of the rain. From the moment Felix got up that morning, around four in the morning, having only gotten home from recording around midnight, he barely slept, and was headed back to the studio, and he wanted to go back to bed. He could not wait for his day off, which wasn’t for another two days. They pre recorded a lot for the show, since he would be busy with the upcoming comeback. He got a little more sleep in the car, but the trip to the studio wasn’t the longest, it was over within 30 minutes.

Once he was inside, he was told that they were actually going to film somewhere else for one of the segments, which would be happening later. Around 6am, when he was finally done with hair and makeup, having arrived at the building around 5. From then on, he was filming until about noon, when he finally got a lunch break. Having slept through the car ride, he didn’t get the chance to eat anything, but he did have water. After a quick lunch, they made the drive to the second location. Felix was glad that he had some time to relax on the car ride over. It took them nearly two hours to drive to the second location. With the weather and traffic, it put them a little behind on schedule.

Having to sit through makeup touch ups, Felix played with his phone for a bit before going over his script again. He saw that he’d forgotten to charge it the night before, and it was now at half battery. Putting it away when he was called to start filming, he didn’t think anything more of it. The shoot continued there until it was well after dark. They’d been in a small museum that was the back drop for something that Felix couldn’t remember at this point, but there was some reason they were so far away from the hustle and bustle of Seoul. By day 3 of filming, he couldn’t remember all the details of everything he was doing, or the reasoning for it. Everything blurred together.

They took a break for another meal, and it was around then that he opened a message from Jisung, which read, “When are you coming back?”

To which Felix texted back, “It’s like 8 and we just took a food break. I think we’re going to wrap within the next hour or two, and the drive back is like an hour at least.”

“Let me know when you leave, I wanna see you when you get home. I miss you.”

“Okay! I’ll let you know. I have to go now~” Felix sent back before putting his phone away. The weather outside slowly shifted from bad to worse. By the time the shoot wrapped, it was well into the night, and the visibility for driving was really bad. It made Felix nervous, but he figured everything would be fine, their driver was a professional. He used a makeup wipe to wipe off his makeup while sitting in the back of the car. His head hurt from all the bright lights, and the lack of sleep he’d been getting the last few days. Closing his eyes, he drifted asleep as they began the drive back to the dorm.

Right before he drifted asleep, he texted Jisung that he was on his way back. He didn’t think anything of his phone saying it was at 10%. When he woke up, he wasn’t sure how long he’d slept for, but he woke to the sound of the manager screaming and shaking him. Opening his eyes, he saw that they were no longer moving, and that it was completely dark outside with no visibility due to the rain.

The driver calmly said, “We need to get out of the car, we are about to be washed away.” It took Felix several moments to understand. He understood Car, get out, now, his brain was still trying to wake up from being asleep. He quickly realized what the driver meant, when the car started to fill with dirty water from the floor boards and under the dashboard in the front of the car.

The three of them all climbed out of the car through the windows, and sat on various parts of the car. Felix sat on the trunk, clinging to whatever he could hold onto, the rain was still pouring down in sheets. The driver and manager were on the hood and roof. Despite that the car was in park, and the lights were on, the car began to move. Felix gripped on as hard as he could, but with the rain still falling, and the car moving, his hands were slipping. One second he was on the car, the next, he was in the water. He tried to not fight the current of the water, it was nearly 3ft deep and rising quickly. It started to carry him away. The current was too hard to fight, and not knowing which direction to go towards, was disorienting. He lost sight of the driver and the manager. With it hard to see, he tried to keep his eyes open, but with the water and darkness, he couldn’t make anything out. He had no idea how far the car was from him, or where the others were. Knowing that he needed to get out of the water, he looked for anything he could grab onto. He fought his way to a pole, where he held on for as long as he could. But the water kept coming down, and the water level was rising. Losing his grip, he was washed away again.

It took everything he had, to keep his head above the current, and not breathe in the dirty water. He barely could make out a tree off in the distance. Fighting his way there, he fought the current to make it across the street to the tree. It wasn’t a massive tree, but he hoped it would remain standing. It was rather unfortunate that they had been driving in a more secluded rural area at the time. Had this been closer to the bigger city, the odds of finding help would have been higher. He had no idea how long he’d been separated from the others, but he knew he was cold, and that was a bad sign. He tried to remember what he’d been taught in school about hypothermia. The temperature of the water was cold, despite that earlier in the day it was a hot rain. It was now cooler since the sun had set.

His phone was dead, but it was likely ruined due to the rain. He had to keep a tight hold on the tree anyways, there was no way he could try and get his phone out of his pocket. When it seemed like the rain started to lighten up, Felix got more hope that he would be able to see and figure out a plan on what to do. The intensity of the rain decreased, but the water still flowed. It had to be well past the time he should have been home. Hopefully someone had noticed that they weren’t back yet. As he held on tightly, his headache from earlier returned with a vengeance. He knew his body was in survival mode, and he needed to stay awake in order to survive. Fighting the urge to sleep, he held onto the tree for as long as he could.

When he heard a large cracking, his first reaction was panic.

“No, no, no, no, no.” He screamed as the tree then broke under the force of the current. He was plunged into the water. Fighting to keep his head up, he held onto the trunk of the tree that was now on it’s side. Unlucky to him, it wasn’t big enough to stay on, and it sank to the bottom of the water. Being washed away again, he remembered why he was fighting so hard to not drown- his family back home in Australia, his bandmates, and the fact that he didn’t want to die.

When he finally came to a stop, he was struggling to breathe and keep his head above the rising current. He couldn’t believe how bad this rain was. Finding another car that had been washed away, he fought his way to it, and climbed onto the hood, despite that the water was almost up to the hood. It was slippery, but he got onto the roof. The rain had let up some more, it no longer felt like needles coming down against his skin.

Still, no one was around. Pulling out his phone, he confirmed it was dead, and very wet, which likely meant it was ruined. Sighing, he put it away. He would have to wait a few more hours for sunrise and hope that people would find him. Staying awake was hard. He made himself focus, practicing his Korean, singing his parts in their songs, to keep his mind going and not let himself fall asleep. Suddenly the car lurched, it was being pushed by the water. It seemed that things were flowing downhill. Which meant that ahead of him, would be flatter, and the potential that the water would only get deeper. He realized his mistake, he needed to get to something even higher than what he was on, he would need to swim up current.

Looking around, he tried to find something he could grab onto, but there really wasn’t anything. Calming himself down, he got off the car, and went for it. Swimming up stream was hard. The current pushed against him, and no matter how far he got, he’d get pushed back a few feet. It seemed pointless. Every time he wanted to give in, he remembered how hard he worked to get to debut after they brought him back after his elimination. He wanted to get home to his friends, and he had to survive long enough to do that.

Finally, he found a tree that was bigger, and sturdy. Trying to climb a tree while drenched to the bone, and in the rain, was not easy, but Felix found a way. His hands were bleeding from the scratches from the bark, but he didn’t care. As long as this tree stood until morning, he’d be okay. Shivering, he knew that it was cold, and he was freezing and that wasn’t good at all. Without a doubt, by the time he got caught, he'd be sick.

With no sense of time, all he could do was cling to the tree and pray morning would come fast. As the sky started to lighten, he was able to see the damage done more clearly. This was by far the worst storm he’d ever seen, and he was shocked at the damage. Clearly they under estimated the rain. As daylight broke, he felt every ache in his body from the last few years, and he was freezing. Staying awake got harder and harder. Every time he started to nod off, he woke himself up.

As the sky brightened, Felix struggled with staying awake. He was freezing, his body was shaking, he felt numb and he wanted to just let go, but he knew he couldn’t. As time passed, he saw no one come through, no one near him. His heart had been racing for hours out of fear, but the true panic set in, what if no one found him. He started to shout for help, the rain had stopped for a bit, maybe someone would hear him. He tried to look around and see if he could find where the manager and driver were. Keeping a hold of the tree was becoming tiring. His fight to stay awake was losing. The last thing he remembered as his eyes closed, was holding onto the tree as tight as he could.

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The last message Jisung got from Felix was around midnight, and when 2am came and passed, and he wasn’t home yet, he got worried. When 3 am came and Felix was no longer answering his messages, and it went straight to voicemail when he called, he panicked. He woke up Chan and Changbin who were asleep, and told them that Felix wasn't’ back yet, he wasn’t answering the phone, and neither was the manager that was with him. Felix should have been home by then, and he wasn’t. When 4 am came, not nothing, Chan called the company. He got ahold of one of the other managers, and they began to look into it.

When the morning news came on, they saw that one of the towns between Seoul and where Felix had been filming, flooded, horribly. They hoped that they had stopped and were okay, but as morning came and it got later, the panic set in. When everyone else woke up, Chan didn’t say anything. He let them think that Felix was filming and already gone for the day. It would do them no use to sit there panicking, when they didn’t know anything yet.

It was around 7 am when a manager called Chan and told him that the driver and manager got separated from Felix, and that Felix was still missing. It was then that Chan told the others. It didn’t feel right to lie to them. Everyone was upset and worried. The driver had been treated for hypothermia as was the manager, and both were still at the hospital, and would be there for awhile. Chan didn’t want to think about how Felix was still out there, alone.

8 am came and passed and there was still no word yet on Felix. So far, the media didn’t know he was among the missing. Chan did not want to have to call Felix’s parents and tell them their son was missing in a flood. When 9am came, Jisung was openly crying and clinging to anyone who would let him cry on shoulder. Several others were crying, but chose to do so in their rooms, not wanting to cry in front of the others, and feel such deep raw emotions and not be able to filter it.

11 am came around and there was a short phone call. All that was said was that Felix was found. They didn’t say if he was alive, or dead, or sick. Just that he’d been found. Not knowing his condition made everyone on edge even further. Between Changbin and Hyunjin pacing a hole through the floor, everyone was wanting to know more.

11:30 and Chan had an update. Felix was being taken to a hospital, he was alive.

They were given an address, and a different manager came to take them. When they got there, everyone was panicking, and trying to not cause a scene. The manager that brought them, took them to the private room that Felix was in. Before they were all let in, they were told, “He has a severe case of hypothermia, and it looks like he did get some water in his lungs.”

No one was prepared for what they were about to see. To walk into the hospital room and see their usual ball of sunshine, asleep and gray, with tubes and wires everywhere, still and sickly. The nurse had told the group that they’d suctioned the water out of his lungs, but they think he’d started to drown right before he was found. There was so many questions everyone had, why was he alone, why did he almost drown, how long was he missing. But there was no answers for anything just yet.

Jisung was the first to gently hold Felix’s hand. It was extremely cold to the touch. He held Felix’s one hand between his own, hoping to bring warmth back to his friend. Watching him, Changbin did the same to Felix’s other hand. Everyone put a warm hand on a part of Felix, wanting to feel him there beneath their hands, that he was really alive and now safe from harm.

They stayed with him until the doctors asked them to leave the room. Somehow, word got out that they were all here, and the media began to bother them. The managers ushered them out, and back home to the dorms. Chan was torn. As a leader, he wanted to stay with Felix and be by his side, but at the same time, he knew the others needed him as well, he didn't know what to do. Ultimately, Jisung begged to stay behind with Felix and the manager relented when Jisung death gripped the railing on the bed and refused to let go. The manager didn’t want to make a scene pulling on Jisung, so he gave in and let the boy stay.

Chan hadn’t expected it, but their hyungs from Day6 reached out to him and offered him support. Ultimately, he let them give him guidance and help him figure out how to navigate the situation. They came over, and they sat with everyone. It was a pure chance that they had the day off. Though, Chan suspected that they pushed their schedule back once they heard Felix was hurt pretty bad, and the other’s were trying to cope. They all sat by their phones, waiting to find out when Felix woke up, and how bad his injuries were now that he’d woken up.

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When Felix woke up, the first thing he realized, was that he was in a bed. At first, he thought the whole last day was a dream, but when he opened his eyes and saw that Jisung was sitting next to him, he took in his surroundings. The last day really happened. He had no idea how he was alive, considering he was in the rain and cold for hours.

The nurse told him, that they'd been giving him IVs and warming him up naturally. He was still a little disoriented, but he was doing better than before. They explained to him that he’d been found floating. He’d explained that the last thing he remembered was falling asleep in a tree. So they determined he’d passed out and fallen into the water. They didn’t think he’d been in the water for too long, and had been found rather immediately at that point.

He had been found and taken to a hospital immediately where they made sure he was ok, and brought up his body temperature slowly. He’d been asleep for six hours since arriving there. The nurse said that if he was shivering, that was good, because it meant his body was warming up, and reacting to stimuli. Jisung hated to see him cold, and crawled into the bed next to him, and herd him close, trying to warm him up faster. The skin to skin contact helped warm him, but also helped Felix feel grounded.

Every time he closed his eyes, he felt like he was back outside in the rain. Having Jisung next to him helped him keep calm. That was until a crack of thunder outside sent him into a panic. The nurse ended up having to sedate him because he was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. Felix had grabbed at his chest and scratched, trying to breathe, but he had only made it worse. While he slept, Jisung called Chan and told him what happened. The older Aussie suspected that Felix was probably afraid of storms given what had happened.

By the time Felix woke up again, it was morning and he woke up to all the members standing around him. Minho hugged him tightly, Chan patted his shoulder and the others all had some form of contact, whether it was a hand on his arm, or his leg, they all found a way to crowd around him, and make him feel not alone. They sat with him for as long as they could before they were kicked out of the hospital. The nurse was reluctant and did let one person stay behind. Chan ended up being the one who stayed. The others felt that Felix might need some more comfort that the other Australian boy would be good at giving.

Being able to switch to English, definitely helped Felix tell the story. There were words he didn’t know in Korean, like drowning and all the medical words the nurses had told him. He basically had a general idea of what happened, but it wasn’t until Chan explained it to him, did he realize how much worse the situation was than he realized.

Chan explained that based upon the manager’s story, They’d left around midnight, 1 am. It was raining, but it wasn't severe yet. When it got to the point that they couldn’t see very well, they’d already decided to pull over, but they were then caught in a flash flood. The car then filled with water and had been moved by the flood waters. Both the driver and the manager had been found around sunrise if not a little later. They’d managed to stay onto of the car for quite a while before eventually, they had to find something else to hold onto. They’d found some little building and got on top of it. Both held onto each other for warmth until they were found. Felix hadn’t been found until much later. From the sound of the story, they’d found him maybe an hour or two after the manager and driver, but in a completely different area. Because he didn’t have a form of ID on him, it took them a moment to identify him and notify the company, who was put down as his emergency contact.

Eventually the car they’d been in, had been found, and what could be recovered, was. His backpack was beyond wet. His scripts were soggy and no longer able to be read, and anything else in the bag that wasn’t his jacket, was basically ruined. His ID and immigration cards were ruined, and no longer readable.

Then came the details on his actual rescue, and the impact on him. Chan tried to not be emotional when he told Felix, but apparently, when they’d first found him, they didn’t think he was alive because his heart rate and pulse were very low. There was initially not an expectation for him to make it, because of the water in his lungs, and how long his body had been cold. Usually, someone in cold water, would last 40 minutes tops. But Felix lasted hours. It was a pure miracle that he’d not gone into shock much sooner than he did. The coldness he felt, was still prevalent, but the doctors said that they couldn’t warm him up too fast or he’d be sick. They’d given him warm socks and blankets, that helped. Despite that his skin was no longer extremely clammy, he still felt cold. When anyone touched him, their warm skin felt like it was burning hot.

Then, there was the fact that he still had lots of confusion due to the lack of oxygen his brain had gone through. At one point, Felix hadn’t even realized they were talking in English, Chan said something, and Felix was confused when Chan had talked to the nurse in Korean. His brain was missing chunks and pieces and his concept of time was a little off.

There was a moment where Felix had taken a nap, and when he woke up, was just speaking in Korean despite that sometimes him and Chan often spoke in English to each other when it was just the two of them. Chan didn’t question it until he was trying to explain something, and Felix wasn’t getting it, so he explained in English, and Felix seemed even more confused. It didn’t help that Felix was half asleep, but he wasn’t switching to English, even when he didn’t know the Korean word for what he was trying to say. He’d just ignore what he was trying to say, and guess for the word until Chan could figure out what he was trying to say. It was slightly concerning, but the doctor said that Felix’s brain might be a little confused for a bit.

Eventually the confusion went away, and Felix was better able to articulate his thoughts. After several days, the doctors decided he could go home. They wanted his body temperature to be normal, but also maintain its self for a few days, and also to make sure that he didn’t get some sort of lung infection because he had gotten water inside his lungs. Once he was given the all clear, he was allowed to go home. The company had cleared his schedule for a little while. There was no way he would be ready to go back to filming just yet. He was still exhausted from the entire ordeal, and ready to sleep through his recovery. Another thing they hadn’t anticipated was the other affects from his brain having lost oxygen for a little while was that his coordination and balance were not the best. He struggled with keeping balance, and lacked the fluidity he once had. It made him really sad.

He had nearly a week off before he was added into schedules. At first he only went to vocal practice, and anything else. They’d held off from dance practices for the time being. He wasn’t ready to dance. He was still winded after just walking from his room to the kitchen, which wasn’t far at all. By the time he was allowed to dance, they’d pushed their comeback back three weeks at minimum.

Every night, he wasn’t sleeping. He was to afraid to wake up and this all be a dream, and he still be outside in the storm. It didn’t help that there was a smaller storm after that one major storm. He’d cry anytime he heard a crack of thunder, or saw a rain cloud. The whole experience had left him traumatized. Which meant that he was barely sleeping. He had nightmares when he did fall asleep, which was one reason he had avoided going to bed.

Eventually his sleep deprivation caught up to him, and he couldn’t stay awake any longer. He’d been watching everyone dance at dance practice when the ache in his head, was just too much to keep his eyes open. Ever since he hadn’t been sleeping well, he had migraines. Often it made his stomach hurt, his neck and back. Not wanting to worry anyone, he kept quiet about how much pain he was in. He ended up closing his eyes, and falling asleep in the middle of dance practice with the music on loud. Everyone knew how tired Felix was, and if he was sleeping through the loud music, then there was no need to be any quieter. He ultimately slept through the rest of dance practice, Jisung carrying him to the car on his back, and Changbin helping Jisung get him into bed when they got back to the dorms.

He was quite disoriented when he woke up, which freaked him out more. Luckily, Minho had been nearby when Felix woke up, and was able to help remind Felix where he was. He was frequently forgetting where he was right after he woke up. After nearly two weeks of that happening, everyone decided Felix needed to go back to the doctor. Only, Felix didn’t want to go. It became a huge ordeal. Felix was screaming at everyone, Chan was trying to get everyone else to stop screaming over each other. Felix was only getting more upset, and agitated. He was screaming in Korean, English and a mix of the two. There was no deescalating the situation, no matter how much Chan tried. It only ended with Felix slamming the bathroom door as he stormed into the small room. Everyone started to go for the door to start to yell but Chan stopped them. “Give him some space, let him calm down, you all need to calm down too, then we can talk about this again. If you need to go for a walk, go.”

Changbin walked out with Hyunjin, the two needed some air to calm down. They were really worried for Felix, but Felix didn’t want to listen to them, and they were frustrated. With those two out, it allowed the apartment to calm down a little more. Jisung went and sat on his bed and squeezed his pillow. Ultimately, he was really worried for his friend, and so was everyone else. Felix not remembering things, his lack of coordination, and his insomnia, was taking it’s toll on his body. Felix wasn’t eating enough, he wasn’t sleeping, and he was always anxious. The whole argument began because they told Felix they wanted him to go to the doctor. Felix responded with denying the need to, because he wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t crazy. But everyone knew that what he’d gone through was traumatic, so he likely needed something, whether it was medicine or talking to someone.

Felix didn’t like their intervention, he claimed everyone was ganging up on him, and he took it negatively. He didn’t want to admit that, yes he was more confused at times, he forgot where he was, and he kept tripping and bruising himself. He was scared for what this meant. If he didn’t go to the doctor’s then he was fine- that was his justifications. If the doctor didn’t tell him that something was wrong, then nothing was wrong.

As soon as he slammed the bathroom door, he felt guilty. His friends wanted what was best for him, but here he was, throwing that in their face. They were concerned for him, and he was throwing that back in their faces. Sitting on the floor beside the sink, he pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face. His chest hurt from his strained breathing. His head was hurting from all the yelling and anger. When the anger faded, he was left with aches. His chest felt like someone had pushed on it, it was tight and hard to breathe. He knew he was having a panic attack, but he couldn’t calm himself down. Trying to take a deep breath, all he got was a strained gasp and not any more air. Panicking worse, he tried to stand up, but he was dizzy. Crawling for the door, he tried to grab the door handle but it slipped through his hand. Just as he reached for the door handle again, the door was pulled open.

“Felix?” Chan asked. He quickly realized that Felix was on the floor, on his knees.

“What’s wrong?” He asked panicked.

Felix opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come out. Chan quickly saw how fast the younger’s chest was moving.

“Shh. It’s okay, take a deep breathe. slowly now.” Chan said trying to calm Felix down.

Felix got another gasp in, but struggled to get more air. Chan sat on the floor and pulled the younger into his lap. He put Felix’s hand on his own chest, “Match my breathing, okay?” Felix nodded and tried to get more air in. Slowly he got more air into his lungs. It took a long time, but eventually Felix calmed down.

Jisung was the first to notice the bathroom door open, and Chan and Felix on the floor. He wanted to ask questions but remained quiet. He helped Felix up off the floor, and held onto him when he started to fall. Jisung helped Felix walk to his shared room and helped him lay down in bed. Laying beside him, Jisung held Felix close to him. “What’s wrong?”

“I…I don’t know.”

Jisung held Felix until Felix seemed to have calmed down. “Are you afraid to go to the doctors?”

“I’m afraid they’re going to say that I’m going to be like this forever? I can’t remember things the same, I don’t know where I am. I keep tripping on things, I can’t dance yet, it’s going to be a train wreck.”

“It’s going to be okay.

“But it’s not going to be Jisung-ah.”

“We can go with you, you don’t have to be alone. I’ll hold your hand, Chan hyung will be there too, we can all go, we all want to support you Felix. You don’t have to tell us every detail of what happened, but you can share with us, we can carry this pain with you, and bare the burden together.”

“Okay.” Felix cried, his head buried in Jisung’s shoulder.

“Let’s get up. We can go lay down, and take a bit and calm down from everything. No one is mad at you, everyone understands that right now, you're stressed.”

Felix hummed and then let Jisung get up so Jisung could help him get up. Together the two slowly made their way to Felix’s bed. Jisung grabbed clean clothes and had Felix change, sitting on the dirty bathroom floor and also the dance studio floor, and then getting into bed would be gross. Once settled in new clothes and some blankets, Jisung laid down next to Felix.

“I….Sometimes it feels like I’m still out there in the rain. When it rains, it freaks me out. I go back to that night, with the car flooding, and the dear, and thinking I was going to die out there alone.”

Jisung didn’t respond but he hugged Felix tighter.

“I hate taking a shower but the idea of a bath is even worse. I… I keep washing my hair and myself in the sink. I hate water. I don’t think I could ever go swimming again. I…I close my eyes, and I’m there again.”

“I’m so sorry Felix.”

“I…I can’t escape it. I walked away from it, but I’m still there.”

“I’ll remind you all the time, that you’re here, and you’re safe.”

“Thanks Jisung-ah.”

Felix let himself close his eyes and calm down from his earlier freak out. Eventually he drifted asleep. Jisung remained next to him, but he wasn’t asleep. He’d silently been on his phone. When Felix started freaking out in his sleep, Jisung tried to gently comfort Felix but running his hand through Felix’s hair, and rubbing his back. But it wasn’t working. He tried to gently wake Felix up, but it wasn’t working. Eventually Felix calmed down, but the rest of his sleep was him rolling over and not at all a deep sleep.

Jisung got up a while later to go to the bathroom and tell Chan some of what Felix said, about still feeling like he was in the rain that night.

When Felix woke up, it was later in the evening, and everyone was sitting around and relaxing. Dinner had already been eaten, and everyone was sitting around before they all went to bed. Jisung had waited to eat with Felix. Together they ate the bowls of rice and vegetables. When they finished eating and washing their dishes, they joined everyone else.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” Felix said to everyone while looking at his hands.

“It’s okay hyung, we understand that you had a traumatic experience.” Jeongin replied.

Felix frowned at the sentence, not understanding all of it. “What was the last part? I don’t know that word.”

“Traumatic experience.” Chan translated.

“oh.”

“I…I’m sorry I should study more.”

“It’s okay! This is outside of what we expected you to learn, meaning, that, we never expected there to be an accident of sorts, so it wasn’t a word we thought to teach you, until it happened.” Chan tried to explain. Being fluent and knowing every word possible, is impossible, and he hadn’t thought that Felix would need to know words like that.

“What can we do to support you?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Jisung told us about how taking showers makes you nervous.”

Felix nodded.

“What about it makes you nervous?” Changbin asked.

“I think it’s feeling the water, and closing my eyes. I…and the sound. It sounds like the rain. It reminds me of when I was trying to keep above the water and trying to find somewhere above the water.”

Everyone hummed in response, unsure of what to say.

“What if you play music when you’re in the shower, and you don’t close your eyes?” Hyunjin suggested.

“I could try that.”

“And if you’re okay with it, one of us can sit near the bathroom door and if you get upset, we’re right there to help you.” Chan offered.

Felix nodded.

“But if you’re not ready for that, I’m sure we can figure something out. Like washing your hair in a sink, and like wet wipes?” Seungmin suggested.

“I’ve been trying to do that, but I haven't been the most successful.”

“What if someone helped you?” Chan asked.

“That might help.”

“When do you want to try?” Changbin asked.

“I guess in a bit?”

“Who do you want to help you?”

“I….I don’t know.”

Everyone looked at each other, unsure of who to volunteer or suggest.

“How about Chan hyung?” Hyunjin suggested. Chan nodded, “I can help you mate.” Chan offered.

“Okay Hyung.”

“How about we do it right now, we’ll use the kitchen sink, it’s bigger.”

Felix nodded. Luckily all the dishes had been washed after dinner, so the sink was empty.

“Here, lay on the counter, and tilt your head into the sink.”

Felix hummed and quietly got on the counter, legs curled up so he’d fit. Hyunjin brought the shampoo and conditioner while everyone else disappeared to their rooms other than Jisung.

“I’m gonna use warm water, and how about we talk while I wash your hair, that way you don’t focus on it.” Chan suggested.

Felix hummed.

“I saw this meme on twitter earlier hyung, it was so funny. I saved it to my phone, I showed Minho earlier, and he was laughing so hard.” Jisung said.

“Is that what you were doing earlier in the car? Looking at memes?”

“Yeah. it passes the time.”

“Felix what’s your favorite meme?” Chan asked Felix to keep him distracted as he gently turned the water warm and got Felix’s hair wet before pouring in some shampoo.

“There’s that one with the dog, sitting at a kitchen table, and the room is on fire, and he’s like, “this is fine.” That’s my favorite.”

“Oh that’s a good one mate.” Chan offered in English.

“What’s one thing that you don’t miss about home?”

“The giant ass spiders. I hate them! they’re terrifying.”

Jisung’s eyes went wide, “the spider’s are really that big?”

“Oh yeah.” Felix answered.

“One time, there was one in our house, and my older sister, she screamed and hid in my younger sister’s room, and didn’t tell anyone. So when I went into the living room, there was this big spider on the wall, so I screamed and ran, and my mum saw it, and she screamed and called my dad to kill it. It was funny, she was yelling at him the entire time, because she was afraid it would get away, but she didn’t want to get any closer to it, so she had like a blanket wrapped around herself so it couldn’t land in her hair. It was so funny!” Felix spoke. Chan had washed the shampoo out gently as Felix talked.

“At that point, you burn the house down.” Jisung giggled.

“I knowwww!! I was ready to watch it all burn.” Felix giggled.
Chan gently rubbed the conditioner into Felix’s hair and asked him another question. As he washed it out, he was careful to not get Felix’s face wet more than needed. It took no more than 10 minutes, but it was relaxing for Felix. Chan dried the wet hair as best as he could before helping Felix sit up slowly. With a yawn Felix said, “Thanks hyung. That was less stressful than I thought it would be.”

“You’re welcome mate. Glad I could help! Let’s head to bed, we’ve got a busy day tomorrow!”

Felix hugged Chan and then retreated to his bed after wishing everyone a good night. He’d brushed his teeth and his face and got under the covers of his bed, but his mind was now wide awake. Chan had entered the room quietly and saw that Felix was still awake, staring at the ceiling.

“Do you want to try listening to a meditation video thing with me? Sometimes it helps me fall asleep.” Chan offered.

Felix hummed. Chan set his alarm clock for the morning and then picked a video he knew worked for him before. Together the pair listened and eventually fell asleep.

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The next few days passed in a similar fashion. Chan, or one of the others helped Felix wash his hair. They used the kitchen sink until someone introduced the idea that they attempt to use the shower, and slowly work Felix up to being able to take a regular shower. He’d been using wash clothes to clean himself, but it was no replacement for an actual shower, and he didn’t want to admit, but he didn’t feel clean.

So he reluctantly found himself sitting in the bathroom trying to mentally prepare himself for a shower. Hyunjin suggested that Felix get used to the idea of a shower, and start with just turning the shower on for a few minutes. So, he would sit on the floor while another member took a shower. Of course he waited for them to get in the shower so he didn’t have to see them naked, not that they haven’t already seen each other naked before backstage while changing. It felt too intimate, so he’d wait until they shouted and told him to sit by the door so he could get used to the sound of the shower. It sounded a lot like the rain, and the humidity in the air often felt smothering to him at times too.

The next step for him was to wash his hair in the shower, with help naturally. Chan helped him again on the first attempt, with Changbin sitting nearby talking about whatever he could think of. Felix didn’t know what was worse, the idea of being naked in front of them, or the idea of wearing swim trunks that would get wet and collect water. Ultimately, he covered his lap with a towel and figured they'd try that first.

He had his head tilted back, the water was warm, on the hotter side, and Chan was quick. He had the water on to wet Felix’s hair, turned it off, soaped up his hair, let Felix scrub his head a little bit, and rinsed it out fast. The water did run down his back, and he started to panic a little bit, but both Chan and Changbin could see him starting to panic, and quickly found a way to distract him. Chan had Felix rub soap all over and then in a very fast rinse off, they rinsed the water off. They had Felix focus on singing the lyrics to one of their songs, so he wouldn’t focus on the water on his skin.

Once he was done, Chan rubbed Felix’s hair with a towel, much like a parent drying off a small child after their bath. Felix felt cleaner than he had in a while, even if it was a lot of anxiety. He couldn’t handle the idea of showering twice a day, let alone they did not have the time for how involved it was right now, so every night after dinner, no matter how late, at least one member helped him wash his hair. Sometimes Seungmin sat on the floor, other times it was Jeongin or Hyunjin, to help keep Felix distracted and calm.

No matter how tired they were after a dance practice, someone always helped Felix. He was so appreciative of them. They were helping him face his fears, quite literally. Each shower would get a little bit longer, and they’d leave the water on a little bit more. It was exposure therapy. They’d talk him through it, and they’d give him a bit more to do every other shower. So They’d have him turn the water on and get it to the temperature he wanted, he’d wash his hair and when it got to be too much, they’d let him take a moment, and then when he was ready, they’d finish washing the conditioner out.

Over time, he was able to take a very quick shower if he turned the water off frequently, and had someone sitting on the bathroom floor talking to him. It took a lot. At first he’d start to cry, because he’d panic. Other times, if the water got too cold, he’d forget where he was, and think he was outside in the rain.

His sleep schedule was slowly improving. Between cuddling a member, and listening to podcasts to sleep, he was making progress. Everyone was proud of him, he was slowly talking more about the experience. Right after he’d woken up in the hospital, Management brought him a replacement phone for the one he lost. After that experience he never let his phone die. He’d get anxious if it got below 20%. Everyone had taken to throwing extra portable batteries in their bags, and phone chargers.

Since that fateful night, no one had yet to go to a recording alone. Everyone went off in pairs, and the first time someone was suggested to go alone, had Felix panicking. He insisted on that person never traveling outside of Seoul, never traveling in bad weather, and always have a phone charger and at least one portable battery. Everyone silently agreed that Felix wasn’t ready to go to a solo schedule task just yet. Management was understanding of that, and found ways for him to have someone with him, whether it was just for the car ride there, or whatever he needed.

He hadn’t realized how little he’d been interacting with stays online, until he saw a comment someone made. It was one comment out of literal thousands, but it made him upset. Someone called him a huge baby for being “scared of the rain”, and told him he didn’t deserve to be in the group if he was afraid of water.

It got in his head, and it made him question everything. He knew his members cared for him, they’d obviously been there to help do something as stupid as take a shower. He felt such burning shame that he couldn’t just take a shower without panicking.

He waited until he was the only one home for a little bit, and decided he was going to force himself to take a bath. He had to prove to himself that his fear was irrational and stupid, and that he didn’t need anyone to coddle him any longer. But he failed to account for a few things.

The first being the water temperature. The second being that he would likely panic and forget where he was. And the third, he didn’t know when anyone was coming home. Filling up the tub, he made it semi hot, but not too hot to get into. He’d tossed his clothes aside and got into the tub before he could hesitate. At first it wasn’t too bad. The water was hot, but then it started to move as he moved his arm and leg, so it created waves, and it started freaking him out a little bit. He’d tried to take calming breaths, and think about the meditation videos, but he started to spiral. The colder the water got, the more panicked he got. Hyperventilating was not helping him at all, he lost focus of his surroundings, and his brain believed he was in the flash flood again. He’d kicked and flailed against the side of the tub, he was bruising himself, and not even realizing it.

Hyunjin and Seungmin had come home and had noticed that Felix wasn’t in his room or the other rooms, which left only the bathroom. The two called out for him but got no response. Pushing open the bathroom door, they found him in the tub freaking out. He was hyperventilating, crying and his eyes unfocused. The pair reacted quickly. Seungmin grabbed a towel and Hyunjin quickly pulled the plug on the tub. He then tried to get Felix to focus, but the younger was choking on air.

“Felix, Felix, you’re safe now. You’re at home.” He kept trying to remind him, but the younger wasn't reacting. He looked to Seungmin, “Call Chan hyung and tell him what happened.” Hyunjin waited for the water level of the tub to drop before he wrapped a towel around Felix’s shoulders and tried to ground the younger. When it wasn’t working, he started trying to talk to him in English, “Felix, you’re okay.” He kept repeating. Hyunjin waited for Felix to stop flailing in the tub, and then pulled him out. Together, the three walked to Felix’s shared room. Seungmin grabbed the fluffiest and comfiest looking clothes and helped Hyunjin pull the hoody onto Felix’s shaking frame.

He grabbed all the blankets they could find, and threw them on Felix’s bed and tried to get him to focus on the texture of the blankets, and other stimuli. Eventually he calmed down more but fell asleep. By the time Chan got there, Felix was passed out between Hyunjin and Seungmin, both who looked absolutely freaked out by what they’d seen.

As Chan got home, so did Jisung. Chan decided that Jisung shouldn’t see the mess in the bathroom and quickly directed him to go cuddle Felix because Felix had a “rough day”, and said nothing else. Seungmin and Chan cleaned up the bathroom, and Chan asked him about what happened. Seungmin told him how Hyunjin and him had found Felix taking a bath, or making an attempt, but he was freaking out and hyperventilating. They’d gotten him out of the bath, dressed and in bed, but he ended up pretty much passing out from exhaustion. They didn’t know why he was in the tub, or what had happened. They all figured that he’d had a flashback and was trapped in his memory, and that’s why he had panicked so much.

When Felix woke up, he was confused. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten to his room, gotten dressed or when Jisung got there. The last thing he remembered was getting in the tub, and panicking. Looking at the clock on the wall, he saw that it was just after 7pm, which meant it was likely that mostly everyone was home, if not a few were still at the studio.

Given that his bed was covered in blankets that did not belong to him, he realized that someone had to have come home and witnessed him in the bath tub. He wondered if it was Jisung, and that’s why they were cuddling, but he wasn’t sure. Rolling over, he let him self drift back asleep until Changbin was waking them up saying that he and Jisung needed to eat.

Felix was glad that mostly everyone wasn’t waiting for him in the kitchen. Hyunjin sat at the table eating, and Chan was looking at his phone, but Seungmin was no where in sight, as was Jeongin, and Minho. Changbin had mentioned what everyone had eaten for dinner, and then disappeared out of the kitchen. Chan waited for Felix to eat most of his soup before saying anything.

“Felix, do you remember what happened earlier?” Chan asked

“Not really, it’s a blur.”

“Well, Seungmin and Hyunjin came home from the studio, and they found you panicking and having an episode in the bath tub. They pulled you out, got you dressed and you fell asleep.”

“Oh.”

“Felix…why would you force yourself to take a bath? You know that you weren’t really ready to do it. And if you had said anything to anyone, someone would've made sure they were there with you so you didn’t have an accident of sorts.” Chan tried to say calmly, and evenly.

“I don’t need a babysitter hyung. I have to face my traumas. I can’t hold you guys back, or keep you busy with what I need, because I’m a big baby who can’t handle taking a shower, let a lone a bath, and rain makes me want to cry.”

“Felix, your fears are completely justifiable. And, you’re not holding anyone back. We want to support you, and we want you to heal at your own pace, not one you think you need to be at. You’re not a big baby. You survived a trauma, and it’s okay to have things that upset you and remind you of that experience.”

“I can’t handle taking a bath hyung, I’m pathetic.”

“Felix, its okay. Maybe, if you want to try again sometime, you try with someone with you- they don’t have to be in the tub with you, and you only fill the tub up only a few inches. Just enough to cover the tops of your feet. Slowly, when you’re ready, you add more water. You don’t have to throw yourself into the full tub and expect to be okay. If you never want to take a bath again, that’s perfectly fine. If you never want to go into a pool or water park, that’s perfectly fine too. You shouldn’t force yourself to heal through your traumas before you’re ready.” Chan replied.

“I…I just don’t want to be broken, and you’re all tired, and I can’t do this one basic thing, and now you’re all getting less sleep because of me.” Felix said as he sunk down in his chair.

Jisung added after a pause, “Felix, we’re getting less sleep, because we play video games on our phones when we tell everyone else we’re asleep. We have no one but ourselves to blame- and mobile games having in game events. It’s okay to ask for help. We want to help you, we want you to ask us for help. I’m sorry if we made it seem hard to ask us for help, that was never our intention.”

“It..it wasn’t you guys. I saw a comment online…and it got in my head, and it just made me upset with myself. I wanted to prove that person wrong, that I wasn’t a big baby, I wasn’t afraid of water, and instead, I made a huge mess, and freaked out even more.”

“There is no deadline for your recovery. There is no, “Felix needs to take a bath and swim and do blah blah blah by next monday.” This is your path, at your pace, there is no rush. We take things one step at a time, together.” Chan added as he sat down next to Felix at the table. He took Felix’s hand into his own and continued, “If you never go swimming again, that’s fine. I’ll management that we won’t do any themes including water, and that its a hard no, from all of us. We will not do anything that you are not comfortable doing. It’s all of us, or none. If you don’t want to do it, we won’t do it.”

“Thanks hyung. I…I’m sorry that it creates more work for you with management.”

“Felix, It’s okay. I’m sure that the manager who was in the car with you, will agree. No water, no pools, no water slides.”

“Yeah Felix, I can live without a waterpark photoshoot just fine!” Jisung commented.

Felix giggled, “Are you sure? I bet Stays would love a photo of watching you panic as you go down the slide!”

“YAH!”

Felix laughed and got up to avoid Jisung’s hard pokes to his sides. Jisung followed him through the apartment, trying to tickle him. Felix hid behind Jeongin, Jisung tickled Jeongin and kept teasing. The laughter was loud, but it was a welcome sight.

When Felix eventually went to his own bed, he climbed under the covers with a small smile, things today were rough, but he had his hyungs, and everything was okay. It wasn’t perfect, and the idea of ever going on a boat, was enough to make his chest seize up and his mind panic, he had his hyungs, and everything would be okay. As long as he had his members by his side, he could face everything that came his way, one step at a time.

“Hyungs?” Felix called out softly, knowing both Chan and Changbin weren’t asleep yet.

“Yeah?” they both called out together.

“I think that everything is going to be okay.”