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Me and Jimmy had a love that was real. I never could put it into words. I mean, I never even learned how to talk about killing a guy. Everything was what it was. How was I gonna talk about loving a guy? But he knew.
I don’t think I ever loved my wives. I don’t even know how much I liked them. What I could have loved a wife for, I don’t know. I liked their looks, yeah, but I don’t love someone for their looks. They raised my children, and, when I look back on it, I didn’t, so I appreciated that a lot. But kids, parenthood, that’s supposed to come out of love, it doesn’t create a love that wasn’t there before. What did I think a marriage is built on? I don’t know. I didn’t think. We never understood each other, that much I do know.
Getting married was like going to war. You did what you had to do. Someone told me, you ought to get married, so I found a girl to marry. And once it got to a point where we both stopped acting as though we had much of a relationship, it was like I wasn’t married, so I found another girl.
For some men, chasing women is its own hobby. Some men seem to like chasing after women more than hanging onto them, or maybe even having them in the first place. I was never like that. I never chased after anything. I just got the things people told me I ought to get. I did what was expected of me.
All the girls I could’ve gotten myself into trouble with, I never looked twice at. All the girls I never looked twice at. I had to get myself into real trouble instead.
I didn’t ask myself what I might’ve loved Jimmy for, because, when I looked at him I knew I loved him.
Jimmy’s saying he loves me and I believe him more than I ever believed Mary or Reenie but I can’t say anything.
“I feel like I can breathe again.”
I notice my throat feels tight.
“You never reveal how you feel, you know? It’s hard to tell.”
I stammer something. It’s harder to get the words out than I expected. As Jimmy relaxes I feel a tightness in my chest, it’s spreading out from my throat muscles all the way to my stomach and my arms. It takes me a long moment to realize I’m holding back tears. I haven’t cried since before I left school. The pressure builds in my chest.
I push myself off the bed and awkwardly straighten up. Jimmy’s asleep. I’m glad of the pain in my legs; it brings me back to myself. I let out a shaky breath. Moving stiffly, I manage to kneel beside Jimmy’s bed. I focus on my knees and my chest feels better and what the fuck I’m doing doesn’t occur to me.
Once I get my knees all the way onto the floor I come to my senses looking at Jimmy’s face, and I feel like I’m meant to be here, at his bed. All I want to do, ever since we first spoke, is get closer to Jimmy.
I press my hand overtop of Jimmy’s, beside him on the bed, and slowly, steadily, my right arm reaches up for his shoulder and my hand rests there. Jimmy wakes up with a little start, looking scared before relaxing to something less than concerned.
“Frank?” His eyes search for mine.
I look back at him. I don’t feel like I’m gonna cry anymore.
“Jimmy, you know how I feel.” My throat’s still tight and my voice sounds thick, but I don’t stammer this time.
My right hand moves before I can think about it again, unsteady now, like my elbow’s fighting it, and it presses against Jimmy’s face. Right away, like an instinct, Jimmy’s free arm flies up and he grabs the back of my neck. I try to slide my hand closer to where his cheek is, as if that would make this better, my arm trembling hard, and my fingers press harder, distorting the skin as they travel the inch of space. I can’t bear to stop touching him. I don’t know when I ever felt like this.
I realize Jimmy’s echoing me; his hand is twisted in my hair, his fingers halfway clenching against the nape of my neck. I make a tiny movement toward Jimmy before stopping myself. I’m hardly thinking now; I was moving and catching myself on pure instinct.
Jimmy opens his mouth and looks up at me wide-eyed. I see something of how I’m feeling in his face, and something of a man who started from nothing and became one of the most powerful people in the country.
“You really mean it, Frank?”
“Course I do.”
Even here and now, I don’t dare kiss him first. Jimmy Hoffa. And I’m trying to kiss him.
Jimmy gets a firmer grip on my neck. I peel my left hand away from his and shift my arm as Jimmy draws our faces together. It doesn’t feel like lips meeting, the way it always did before. It’s me and Jimmy meeting. I know him better each second. And I know better how much I want him.
As we kiss deeper I realize our heads aren’t at the best angle; it’s starting to annoy Jimmy.
“For god’s sake, get on the bed,” he barks, though in a hushed voice. I don’t move. Partly because of my knees, partly because I’m scared, like I haven’t been since back in the war.
Jimmy waves his hand at me like I’m some inefficient bureaucrat. “C’mon, this ain’t going before no Hays Committee!”
I shake my head. There’s no doubt I want him. And anyway I never felt so scared once we got an order to do something. I end up with my knees on either side of his leg. His legs on either side of my knee. I’m looking down at our bodies as he runs his hands over my back. Even the ache in my joints is fading. I take his head in both hands and kiss him for real.
He doesn’t feel like a man so much as he feels like my best friend. Not that he feels like a woman, and not that it’s gentle. I feel the strength in Jimmy’s hands as he kneads my sides and my shoulders. He’s pushing his mouth against mine so hard it almost hurts, biting at my lips sometimes. I can’t help but return each touch. I know it’s wrong, the same way I know the national anthem. It’s just words I learned once, they don’t mean anything to me right now.
Everything except Jimmy means less now. Even so I’m surprised how hard I’m getting. I never had a problem, but I’m not like this with Reenie. Usually I don’t feel like I need it so much anymore.
I can’t stop myself palming my dick through my pajamas. Feels like I need it now, that’s for sure. Jimmy lets our mouths part. I know he feels it too. I move my hand to his thigh, and he looks into my eyes, until I get to his crotch and spread my hand over his hard dick. He closes his eyes and gasps a little, the most unguarded I’ve ever seen him, and my heartbeat speeds up. He reaches to free my dick from my pants and I do the same for him. Now we’re just looking at each other, hands hovering in the space between our bodies, not quite touching. Jimmy laughs, and I almost laugh too. I guess this must look ridiculous, two guys like us, acting like kids all of a sudden.
I tell him “I never,” and it’s hard to say anything else, even as we’re doing it.
“Me neither.” He sounds as confident as always.
Smiling a little, Jimmy starts slowly jerking me. Another rush of heat hits me as I feel his fingers. I’m jerking his dick before I even know it. Just looking between our legs I can hardly think. Each new sensation burns itself into my mind.
I never wanted anyone like I want Jimmy, but I know what to do with my dick, and now’s no exception. Jimmy’s moving his hand slow and steady and the urge to thrust into something is getting unbearable. I wanna fuck him, but I don’t let myself think that too long. I wanna feel him, anyway, more than this. I figure I could come against his skin, his thigh or something. His hand stills as I bring my right leg over beside my left one, my knee brushing his. Jimmy looks at me between his legs and sucks in a breath. I feel his dick twitch in my hand, which makes me gasp.
“Do it.” Same voice as when he’s giving a speech.
My breath catches. “I-I- I didn’t mean-” I can feel blood rushing to my face and my dick at the same time.
Jimmy laughs again, breathy this time, a little shaky. “How many orders I need to give you tonight?”
I’m desperate for contact now but I wrestle with the buttons of my shirt and manage to get it off and onto the floor. Jimmy follows my lead, sitting up to shrug off his own shirt and then shove his pants down his hips. I do the same. Jimmy’s getting under me again and a thrill runs through my whole body. I lean forward and kiss him again.
My dick’s dripping by now. I spread the wetness around the head, then rub some spit on it. I’m realizing I don’t know exactly what to expect. I position myself and push against him a few times, but it doesn’t go that easily. I get my dick partway inside digging my left hand into his thigh and thrusting harder than I really planned to. Jimmy’s hands start squeezing my shoulders. I almost come right away. Not just from the way it feels. Looking at Jimmy. He keeps looking me in the eyes even as he gasps and jerks his head back. I know all he feels is me. And he can see all I feel is him.
I keep squeezing his thigh, and I run my other hand over his chest, his stomach, then grasp his dick. His hips twitch and he bites off a moan. That almost does it for me too. I start making little thrusts, feeling his muscles pulsing around me and him pulsing in my hand and I’m coming. I’m pumping his dick, gripping him hard and he comes right after me with a shout. The way he tenses and shudders around me draws it out; I can’t remember ever feeling this good. I don’t know how long it is before I slump down on top of him. I kiss his neck, his chin, though my muscles are hardly functioning. When his breathing slows he reaches for my face and our lips meet again.
We touch each other gently, now, hands roaming over bare skin. But already I’m not feeling young anymore. The ache in my knees is worse and it’s slowly creeping to the front of my mind. We keep kissing in a way that reminds me of lulling something to sleep, until we part. Then the moment’s over, as I stiffly get to my feet and find my shirt. We both need the night’s rest. I get back into my own bed.
We look over at each other as I go to finally turn out the light.
“Frank,” Jimmy sighs. The word sounds so right, coming from him, and I know what he means.
I didn’t think of anything at first. I was still feeling Jimmy. But sometime that night I started thinking about Reenie. I wasn’t thinking of Jimmy as a woman or anything like that. We had done what we did because we loved each other. How could it make him less of a man? I wanted him because he was a man. Well, because he was Jimmy.
Getting married to Irene, even consummating the marriage, it had felt like accomplishing a goal. That was the only time I truly wanted her. Before, I was thinking about how I was going to marry her, and after, that I was doing the right thing getting my pleasure with my wife. Things were more or less the same with Mary, only it had all been new then.
With Jimmy, it felt like this was just the beginning. A vision of the things I might be able to feel.
I knew it couldn’t go any farther. I didn’t say it, even to myself, but I felt it in my heart as I drifted into sleep that night, and I felt it pumping through my veins when I woke up the next morning. Jimmy was being watched. Hell, even if he hadn’t been. I’d seen how affairs get more obvious over the years. I knew if I had him again I would want him more. I knew even if we kissed it would become a habit.
I’m sitting up, eyes wide open, like I’ve overslept. Nervous energy is rushing through me. The thought swims on the edges of the time I’ve been asleep. I know it with every sharp beat of my heart.
Slowly, the adrenaline subsides. The wall across from me comes back into focus.
I look over, after what must have been too long, to see Jimmy, showered, dressed, sitting on the edge of his own bed looking at me.
For the first time since I met him, Jimmy looks unsure of himself. I feel the energy draining away, the pain coming back. I drag myself to the edge of my bed and slump forward. Now I can hardly even hold myself upright.
“Jesus, Jimmy…” my voice sounds drawn and rough. “I don’t know what…” I can’t think of anything to say.
I see Jimmy flinch. He jerks his posture upright with a hard look in his eyes.
“No!” The shout bursts out of me. I meet his eyes desperately, raising my hands. “No, I didn’t mean- just, if anyone heard about this- really-” I can only bob my head and spread my hands outward. The sense that we’re talking about work now makes my stomach twist.
Jimmy’s look only gets harder and darker. I brace myself for a tirade, but instead Jimmy nods solemnly. That feels worse than I would’ve expected it to.
“Of course.”
Jimmy gets up and sits beside me on my bed. He leans in close, like he’s divulging something more private than what’s already being discussed.
“It was just us here. No adjoining doors, no nothing,” he says softly.
I nod.
“This place isn’t supposed to be bugged, that’s for damn sure. Well, we better fucking hope.” I nod again. “Assuming it’s not… I don’t see how it ever leaves this room.”
“Right,” I whisper, voice trembling.
There’s something floating at the back of my mind. My limbs seem to ache more than ever. I hesitate another moment, then I twist to grab Jimmy’s shoulder, my arm heavy, pressing his other arm against my chest. I bend my head down to Jimmy’s and whisper, “if we’re wrong about this- if it comes to it- say it was the other way around.”
It’s absurd, I don’t want to say it, even now.
“What?”
“We didn’t say who was- you were fucking me, ok.” I wish I was saying something different. I want to give him more than a worst-case contingency.
My arm slides off him. I draw back. He’s looking at me seriously. In his eyes I can see he knows it.
“Well,” Jimmy sighs, soft and weary. He reaches for my face with both hands. As our lips meet I bring my hands up to mirror his. I feel his skin once again. He closes his eyes and mine close too. Our movements are soft and slow. It starts to feel something like a ritual. Reminds me of praying, or being in church, back when I used to almost believe in those things. We’re exchanging something spiritual. Then his hands slide from my face so I do the same and I open my eyes to look into his.
“My friend,” Jimmy smiles a little, “let’s have breakfast.”
After that I felt it didn’t matter if it could never happen again. It was like we were married. We knew each other body and soul, and no one could change that. Our love had been growing ever since we met. Now, I knew what I felt for him and when he looked at me I knew he felt the same.
It was more than I could have asked for.
I hadn’t worn a ring since I got divorced. Reenie pretended to believe I didn’t like rings, even though she’d seen me wearing my old one. Or maybe she did believe I’d only been pretending for Mary, I don’t know. Being married to Reenie already didn’t feel right the day after the wedding. I didn’t let myself think it. I didn’t know how to think it. But I did know I couldn’t stand wearing her ring.
When I won that election I bought a new ring. It has my four daughters’ birthstones set in it. I said I got it as a sort of celebration, and because I wanted my daughters to know I was thinking of them even though I was away traveling a lot. I was thinking about family when I bought that ring, but I didn’t believe what I said about it. I meant it mostly for Jimmy. I know he and Jo were very happy together, and I never wished it was otherwise. Even so, trying the ring on, I couldn’t help imagining putting a ring on Jimmy’s finger. Going home with him every night and sharing breakfast every morning.
I ended up putting on someone else’s ring. It was Russell I went through better and worse with. I forgave him right away for how things happened with Jimmy. I understood why it had to be done, and I loved Russ besides. He was more of a father to me than my real father ever was. Throwing it all away for Jimmy was not a thought I had. It wasn’t how I had learned to think. I had responsibilities, too. I couldn’t have done anything that would put Reenie in danger.
At Reenie’s funeral she felt like a responsibility more than ever. It was just things I had to take care of. I wasn’t thinking about how I hadn’t taken care of her the way I should’ve. Standing at her grave, I was thinking of Russell and how I wished I was at his headstone. I was thinking of two heavy rings on my ring fingers, and of Peggy, who I had already lost even though she was standing there with me.
These days, I have a lot of time on my hands. I find myself thinking, this is what they said I ought to get? This is what they told me to want? Is two rings and a watch and some old photographs all I was supposed to be left with? Well, that’s what it is.