Work Text:
Iwaizumi is empty. He doesn’t feel that indescribable pain anymore: nothing’s trying to tear him apart, to stab him in the heart or take away the air from his lungs. He feels nothing. His face is looking down, he is watching the green grass under his shoes without any thoughts or memories.
~Hajime.-says a voice in his head worried, but he doesn’t answer. It doesn’t matter. A cold and thin hand touches Iwaizumi’s even colder ones and he looks up into his mother’s eyes, which are shining from tears she holds back. She tries to smile a bit, tries to comfort Hajime, tries to get some kind of reaction out of his son, but Iwaizumi doesn’t do anything, just stand there like a marionette figure: moving, but never changing expression. Iwaizumi sees the pity in her eyes and the tears she can’t hold back anymore. A weak sob leaves her lips, which now she covers with her hands, so he gives her a tissue from his pocket and watches her mum removing all of the evidence of her tears into that one tiny paper. He looks away as soon as she finishes it and sees more people dressed in black with their shiny white tissues: some of them already crying, others do the same thing what her mother did minutes ago: try to be strong, try to hold it back. Iwaizumi doesn’t do any of that, he ran out of tears 3 days ago as the pain left his body with his soul and he became this empty shell with the nametag of Iwaizumi Hajime. As he looks up to the sky an image of his friend runs through his mind for a second, but just as fast as it appeared, fades it away bringing old memories instead. Iwaizumi remembers the first time they met, the first time they had a sleepover, the first time he protected the weaker boy, the first time of playing volleyball together, the first time they kissed, and the first time they had a fight, the first time he cried. Iwaizumi was always the stronger one, the one who never cared about what others thought, the one who stood up for his way too sensitive friend, the one who promised to protect him no matter what happens and the one who failed. This is all his fault! Iwaizumi knows that blaming himself for something like this is not right, that he couldn’t save the others life even if he had been there, right next to him in the same car, he couldn’t prevent the truck from crashing inside their taxi cab, but still he blames himself.
~
The day, when he lost the most important person of his heart, started just like any other day: He woke up late, ate breakfast, talked a bit with his parents and waited for his boyfriend’s call. Last night they had a long conversation on skype about their fight, their plans for the future, their relationship. In the dark of the room watching his boyfriend’s beautiful features on the screen, seeing his warm, far too excited smile, Hajime thought whatever will happen if he could be with the other boy, it will worth it. So at that night he just smiled lightly into the camera and scolded his excessively flirtatious boyfriend for the fifth time over their conversation. Everything seemed perfect, but they both knew that something was missing. The whole night would be better, if they could be together. They didn’t think anything special, just wanted to cuddle on the couch, watching a shitty alien movie again, and feeling each other’s relaxing touches like any normal night. After a long and heavy farewell his boyfriend promised to text to Hajime after his plane landed, they waved to each other and turned off the skype. As the screen of his computer became black his whole room fell into darkness, except one tiny star on Hajime’s ceiling. Although the little plastic star didn’t give enough light, still Hajime had never used any other sources of light in the dark since his boyfriend gave this to him right after they started dating. That tiny thing on the ceiling made Iwaizumi smile and his heart fluttered every time he looked at it. He still remembered the conversation they had, when that trash he called boyfriend placed it above his bed without asking.
-Oi Shittykawa what the hell is that?-pointed Iwaizumi at a particular spot on his ceiling above his bed as he stepped behind the other male with an intimidating aura.
-It’s a star.-said the male easily with big childish smile on his face, not a bit scared. They stared at each other for at least a minute one with happy cheerful eyes, while the other had stern expression like he was considering a punch or something just as painful.
-And could you explain why is that fucking star on my ceiling and how did it get there?-asked Iwaizumi looking straight into his boyfriend’s eyes without blinking. He held back his anger knowing that he was making a big fuss about one tiny star, but still it was more than enough for him to watch these plastics on Trashykawa’s ceiling not on his too!
-Weell it’s really not a big story Iwa-chan! I just get here before you and totally unexpectedly I had a star in my pocket which led me to put it on your ceiling. Honestly Iwa-chan you should be grateful for what I did! Look it’s from my favourite package, it is an extra shiny one!-pointed Shittykawa at the star while he turned off the lights, so they could see that one tiny plastic star glowing in Hajime’s room.
- It’s so marvellous, isn’t it Iwa-chan?-said the male stepping next to Iwaizumi who could feel the excitement in the other’s voice. Hajime reached out unconsciously for the way too happy boy’s hand and gently took it in his while all of his anger faded away in a second, and instead of watching the object of their conversation, Hajime looked at the other boy’s features, which was illuminated by the moonlight coming from his window. He still wanted to be angry, or at least irritated a bit, but just looking at the other male’s happy expression made him feel completely relaxed.
-Iwa-chan? Are you mad at me now?-asked Oikawa quietly, visibly avoiding Iwaizumi’s glare, but before Hajime could answer he started talking much faster again.
-Because you know I.. I wanted to give you something that will remind you of me. I mean as your boyfriend. Because you know we have many things together and we even have clothes at the others house, but I thought that this could be something special and you will see it every night and..-Oikawa could never finish his original sentence as he was interrupted by Iwaizumi’s lips on his, but he never actually minded it. The kiss was slow and sweet they both melted into it. This was their very first kiss under that shiny little plastic star. As Iwaizumi laid down on his bed after their skype that tiny plastic was the first thing he saw and he let out a long breath. His heart still felt heavy, as though it knew that this chat wasn’t enough, but in the end it was much lighter after he heard the other’s words, his laughter, and saw his smile. He decided that he would bring the other out for a dinner or something as an apology for his earlier demeanour, but right at that moment he was just happy to know that the other male still loved him the same.
-I will make up for you. I swear.-thought Iwaizumi before he fell asleep. He couldn’t know that night that he will never get a chance to make it up for his beloved boyfriend.
~
~Hajime.-drags a careful voice out Iwaizumi from the painful memories, and for a mere second the boy sees the beautiful silhouette of his tall brown haired boyfriend, as if this whole thing would be just a nightmare. However, as a hand touches his left shoulder his vision becomes clear and the figure fades away, leaving Iwaizumi with his mother’s and two other guy’s worried expressions. A small breeze strokes his cheeks lightly and the names of the pink-brown and the slightly taller, black haired guys popes in his mind with some pictures from their past: Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Other friends of Iwaizumi’s and. And his. They always hung out together in the school breaks and after school sometimes even at the weekends. They made fun of His big talks about his fan club and how perfect he looked like or other days embarrassed Iwaizumi with their childish jokes and memes. They were really good friends or rather they still are, it’s just can’t be the same without Him, can it?
-Hey Iwaizumi!-greets Hanamaki carefully the silent boy, then waits for like a minute for a respond, but Hajime just stares at the two of them, not really sure what or how should he answer.
~It’s just a simple greeting Hajime you don’t even have to say anything, just nod so they can know that your there.-says a gentle voice behind his back and without hesitation Iwaizumi does it. He sees the relief in his friend’s eyes as they starts to relax visibly. They begin to talk again this time with much more confidence about some unimportant stuff, at least for Iwaizumi, but the sadness from their tone never goes away. Hajime can’t concentrate on the conversation, he wants to turn around to see that boy behind him again. He needs to see him, he needs the other male if he wants to keep himself together. Just a quick peek over his shoulder or-.
~Don’t you dare to turn around now! They are your important friends Hajime, you need them even if you don’t want to except that fact so get yourself together and listen to that damn conversation!-says the voice quite pissed off and Iwaizumi can feel the anger radiating from the other boy, so he stops thinking about him and tries to catch up with Hanamaki and Matsukawa.
-and the others are over there next to that big old tree with coach so we could join them if you want. They haven’t see you in a while.-finishes Matsukawa their long speech, or what so ever, with a sad, but hopeful eyes. Iwaizumi looks at the place the other boy referred to and sees the whole volleyball club gathered together. They look so different for Hajime with their black suits and ties, but that’s not the only difference he notices: The way they act. Iwaizumi can’t see the playful smiles on their faces and the troublesome look in their eyes. No matter how hard he tries to catch something ordinary, something that would ease his dark and painful memories, he can’t find anything. Because one last thing is missing from that spot under the tree, one last thing, that will never be the same when he looks at them and the absence of that thing tears Iwaizumi apart despite the emptiness inside of him. This is the reason why he shakes his head slightly and walks away without making an eye contact, feeling sick again. His chest becomes tight, his heart starts to beat faster and faster, his vision starts to become blurry again, so he does what he had always done: run. In spite of his weak and aching body and the lack of oxygen he got, he runs out of the whole funeral as fast as he can. After a long run from all the pain, from the reality Iwaizumi is not ready to accept, his legs finally give out, and the boy collapses to the ground. He rolls to his back, tries to catch his breath and closes his eyes for a couple of seconds to slow down his heartbeat. He is not sure how long he has been lying there, when he decides to sit up and look around. He lets out an airy laugh as he realises where his legs lead him, and feels the tears forming in his eyes. He looks at the wooden castle, the swings, the jungle gym and the sandbox. He is at the playground, where they had first met and everything looks the fucking same as back then.
~
-Mom I want to go outside!-said the five years old Iwaizumi, while he was trying to drag his mom with him. He was already wearing his little shoes and had a small yellow bucket in his hand.
-I see you are ready to catch some bugs again Hajime. Wait here a second today is really sunny, so we need some protection if you want to play outside okay?-asked his mom with a small smile on her face and then started to get ready for the playtime. When the two of them reached the playground Iwaizumi had run of with his buckets to find the biggest bugs around. The playground was full of children, laughing and running around like always, but Hajime wasn’t interested in them. He had a quest to find the biggest, ugliest bug he could and no one could change his mind. Well at least that’s what little five year old Hajime had thought, until he met him. Hajime was looking around the trees that were surrounding the playground, when he found the boy. He was leaning against a tree, hugging his legs while silently crying onto his knees. Hajime was flustered for a moment, not really knowing what he should do, but the boy’s silently shaking from made him do something he had never done before. He had approached the crying boy and when he was in front of him asked:
-Why are you crying here? The boy looked up as he heard the question and his big brown orbs stared right into Hajime’s. This time Hajime looked at the boy thoroughly. He looked at his fluffy brown hair, his pale skin, his little frame covered in slightly big clothes and into his eyes again. The boy was completely speechless, but he had at least stopped crying. Hajime didn’t know what else to say or do so just looked at the kid for a while and asked:
-What are you doing here? He wasn’t necessarily curious why the boy wasn’t on the playground like the others, but more like why he was alone. So when the boy was still not answering he asked again and again until he finally spoke.
-I got scared of the others. We just moved here and its scary.-said the boy in a high pitched voice, while he was looking at Hajime’s shoes.
-What are you doing here?-he asked after a bit of hesitation, as he looked up and into Hajime’s eyes.
-I am collecting bugs.-Hajime answered and showed his bucket to the little boy. Now that the boy was not crying and looked okay Hajime actually wanted to go back to his quest. So he turned around and walked away to find his precious bug somewhere. He hadn’t realised the other boy was following him, until he had actually found a huge bug that was perfect for him. He walked closer cautiously and was ready to catch the bug with his hands, when someone next to him screamed. Hajime looked to his side and saw the same kid, who was crying just minutes ago, now looking at the bug with big horrified eyes. Hajime tried to catch the bug but at this point the bug had already run away, which led to an angry stare from Hajime.
-Why did you scared my bug away? I finally found the one!-he looked at the fluffy haired boy, who looked apologetic.
-I..I’m sorry. It looked scary.-he answered again looking at his shoes. Hajime was irritated to say the least and wanted to scream at the boy angrily, but then he saw it. The slight tremor in his hands, the sad expression on his face and instead of scolding him he said:
-Next time you need to be quiet or you scare all the bugs away. To this, the boy looked up with his big, round eyes. He looked at Hajime like he was a knight, saving him from whatever danger he was in.
-I am Iwaizumi Hajime. What’s your name?-asked Hajime stepping closer to the smaller boy while maintaining eye contact.
-I am Oikawa Tooru.
~
Iwaizumi is sobbing, while the memories from the past reappear in front of him. He sees how they had met, the times they went on a bug hunt quest, the times they played within the castle, or when they played volleyball for the first time. Everything started with him. Iwaizumi’s whole life was built around him and now he is gone and Hajime doesn’t know how to live without him. He doesn’t even realise he is sobbing the same way Oikawa had when they had first met, until he hears the question.
~Why are you crying here Iwa-chan?-and as the question reaches the crying boy’s ears, he looks up with the speed of light to see him.
-Tooru?-it come out rough and airy, but Iwaizumi can’t believe in seeing him again, right in front of him.
~Hajime?-asks the other with a small smile on their face. Before he can say anything else Hajime is on his feet, hugging the taller man with full force, with the idea of not letting go of him ever again.
~Oi, oi Iwa-chan you are going to crush me! You know I never thought I am going to regret helping you train, but now that you use these arms against me I kind of do.-jokes Oikawa with a small laugh that makes Iwaizumi hug him even harder. If he would think rationally, like he normally does, he would know that his Oikawa cannot be here. It is impossible to bring someone back from death. But at this point Hajime is not rational at all. He doesn’t care about how this miracle happened, just accepts it without questioning. As long as he is with him he doesn’t care about anything else. He doesn’t want to be rational if that means he will lose him again.
~Hey Hajime.-starts Oikawa after he wriggled his way out of Iwaizumi’s death grip and cups his face into his hands.
-I missed you so much Tooru! Please never go away again.-says Hajime with tears shining in his eyes as he grips the sides of Oikawa’s t-shirt. They stare into each other’s eyes one with pleading for the other, while the other wears an apologetic expression. Oikawa carefully brushes the tears out of Iwaizumi’s eyes and kisses the others forehead with so much care like he was afraid that the shorter male would break under his touch.
~Hajime you know I am not actually here right?-asks Oikawa with the same apologetic, and sad expression while drawing small circles with his thumb on Iwaizumi’s left cheek. Iwaizumi starts to shake his head with so much force that he almost breaks the connection between them, but Oikawa holds him firmly. He doesn’t want to accept this. No. He can’t accept this. If he just cast aside his sanity would that make him stay? He is willing to do anything as long as the other is by his side.
~Look at me Hajime. Look into my eyes.-pleads Oikawa and Iwaizumi stops shaking his head and slowly does what the other asked. His eyes are shining with tears again and it makes everything blurry and Iwaizumi doesn’t want that. He wants to see Oikawa forever, he doesn’t want these tears to make it harder. And then, like he was reading his mind, Oikawa brushes the damn tears out of his eyes again gently, and smiles softly while doing so.
~You are so strong Hajime. You had been my knight throughout my life and I am so glad for that.-starts Oikawa while looking deeply into Hajime’s eyes to emphasis everything he says. Iwaizumi wants to break the eye contact. He wants to break it, he doesn’t want to listen. He is afraid where this conversation is going, he wants to stop time and everything all together and stay in this moment with him. But he knows he can’t do that. The grip on his face, the brown orbs staring into his are desperate. He wants Hajime to listen so badly that Hajime cannot say no to him.
~I know I am not the easiest person to be around.-Oikawa starts genuinely, but as the moment becomes overbearingly heavy for the both of them, and his voice starts to crack from all the pent up emotions, he closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and when he opens them again, the glint in his eyes changes, his tone shifts to a lighter, more playful one.
~It must have been hard to stand next to my overpowering beauty all the time, not to mention my charming personality and amazing skills as well. Especially compared to you Iwa-chan.-Oikawa says with such a serious, and smug expression that Iwaizumi’s inside is starting to boil and a sudden urge to hit the taller male overcomes him, but as the moment passes the smugness is gone, and Iwaizumi’s anger dies down. He knows that the other was just trying to lighter the mood for Hajime, while he was also stalling for some time to compose himself again. The brunette’s serious and sad eyes capture Hajime’s again as the desperation comes back at full force as he continues.
~I am also very childish and stubborn which led to many of our stupid fights. I know I should have been better for you, not just as your boyfriend, but as your friend as well. I regret so many things Hajime.-he says while tears are forming in the corner of his eyes, and begin to roll down on his cheeks.
~I always thought I will have time to make it up to you.-he sobs hard and stops for a second to take some deep breathes before he continues.
~I thought that when we are old and wrinkly I am going to take you back to this playground and catch the ugliest bug I could find. Its childish I know, but still I wanted.. I wanted so many things Hajime.-Oikawa cries and Iwaizumi is crying too at this point again.
~I don’t want to go Hajime!-Oikawa whispers and breaks completely. He bumps their foreheads together waits for a couple of seconds, until his sobbing starts to die down. I don’t want you to go either. Iwaizumi thinks and he wants to shout it out too, but then Oikawa continues with that low, whispery voice:
~I don’t want to go, but I have to. My time is up and I cannot change that.-he says as a bitter smile appears on his face.
~I would come back for you if I could, but that’s just impossible. I would do anything for you Hajime so please just do one thing for me.-at this point Oikawa leans back a little to look into Hajime’s eyes again, determination flows around in his brown orbs.
~Please Hajime live well for me.-he asks with a gentle, hopeful expression on his face.
~Don’t shut out your friends and family, let them in, let them heal you. You are allowed to cry Hajime, to feel sad, and miss me. Mourn me with the people around you, go through all the stages of grief. And once you are ready, step forward Hajime. Go beyond and live, for both of us.-Oikawa says with a big, honest smile and kisses Hajime’s forehead again before continuing.
~Don’t let me hold you back from living the best life you can. I will be by your side even if you forget about me, I will be there to support you with all my heart.-at this point Oikawa hugs Hajime firmly, tries to stay strong and selfless for the sake of his best friend, his true love. Iwaizumi pushes Oikawa back a little his hands are on Tooru’s chest and looks back into the brown orbs shaking his head slightly.
-But I.. But I don’t..-before he can finish his sentence Oikawa interrupts louder and stronger than previously.
~No buts Hajime! You will live because I will live through you okay? Don’t just give me some half assed life or I am not going to forgive you in our next one.-Oikawa says with a pout on his lips, annoyance on his face. However Hajime cannot concentrate on this adorable expression, like he normally would, but on the words of the other.
-In our next life?-he asks hesitant, not sure if he heard correctly, or if he believes in it. However Oikawa’s eyes lit up and his face erupts into a huge smile Hajime missed so much.
~Of course Iwa-chaan. I will be waiting for you to start our next journey. And don’t worry I will find you no matter how ugly you will be and love you just the same. I mean I will be gorgeous enough for both of us.-Oikawa says and sticks his tongue out to which Iwaizumi hits his right arm lightly and laughs a little after all these times. Oikawa’s playful behaviour changes into a softer expression full of love and devotion to the person he adores the most. Iwaizumi stops laughing too and looks into the others eyes again, trying to take in every little detail of his lover into his mind so he never forgets him.
~Oh and just to warn you Iwa-chan if you dare to try and end things earlier I am going to make your next life a living hell. Hope you understand.-Oikawa says with the soft smile again and steps closer to Hajime once again, maybe the last time in this lifetime.
-I don’t want you to go.-Hajime whispers again the seriousness of the situation comes back at full force.
~Me neither.-Oikawa whispers and leans down to kiss Hajime but before their lips meet he whispers again.
~I love you so much Hajime!-and their lips meet in a soft and tears salty kiss. Iwaizumi isn’t sure how long they kissed but once they part Oikawa’s figure starts to get blurry again but not from the tears this time.
-I love you too Tooru!-he shouts as he tries to grab his lover who is fading away into the nothingness. The last thing Iwaizumi sees is his beautiful smile. The next moment Iwaizumi finds himself alone, on his knees, much lonelier than a couple of seconds ago. His suit is dirty and wrinkled, his eyes are red and puffy, he’s hands are trembling again. He seats there for a while, not knowing what to do, where to go. Until he hears faint shouting from far away, running, and it is getting closer and closer. He looks up slowly, there is no energy left in his body at this point, and sees them. Matsukawa and Hanamaki stand before him, trying to catch their breaths before they speak up.
-How could you run away like that? We’ve been looking for you for a while now. You scared us so freaking much.-shouts Hanamaki as he steps forward and, then squats down next to Iwaizumi.
-Your parents will be here soon too, they looked in another direction with their car.-Matsukawa says and leans forward as well. Both of them are worried and tired, they must have been running around for a while because of me- Iwaizumi thinks and guilt starts to spread through him at a rapid speed. His mind wonders to the previous conversation he had with Oikawa and takes a deep breath before he speaks up.
-I am really sorry guys, for making you worried and all. I’m just.-he takes a deep breath again and envisions Oikawa right next to him.-I’m just so fucking hurt, I don’t know what to do.-he says and his tears are starting to spill again. Like they haven’t stopped.
- I miss him so fucking much.-he whispers again and before he even realises it he finds himself in between his friend’s hugs. They aren’t normally the hugging type or at least not these types of affectionate hugs, but they are holding him strong while he cries into their shoulders. After some time his parents arrive as well, jump out of the car and rush to their Hajime’s side. He then smiles a little at his friends, gets up, apologizes for his behaviour and hugs his parents almost as painful as he hugged Oikawa just moments ago. He tries to form normal sentences to express himself but he knows that they all understand him and they all stay by his side. Iwaizumi knows that he is not well, he will not be well for a while. Maybe, it will take weeks, months or years. However he will stay strong, he will stop crying and blaming the world for taking him away. He will live for both of them and believe in the other’s words, until they meet again.