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Waking up and not feeling Gerard's arms around me makes me feel immediately confused and alone, and I immediately ask myself where the hell is he.
I know very well how much he loves waking up with me, how much he loves kisses, caresses and sleepy cuddles and all the "I love you" or "good morning love" whispered with a still asleep voice and the eyes half open.
He never missed the opportunity, apart from rare times when he has to work, but this time I don't understand what happened.
I get out of bed, rubbing my eyes sleepily, and then I put on a pair of boxers that I found on the floor, probably of Gee since they are pink and black striped and therefore terribly homosexual, and a t-shirt found on the ground too, probably dirty.
I leave the bedroom and I walk towards the kitchen, thinking that I will find him there trying to cook something for breakfast, but as soon as I step into the room, my tired and sleepy eyes immediately open wide with emotion and surprise: the table is covered in flowers and letters, all placed in a specific order, as if they had been placed there for a very specific reason. I smile, already understanding that this is some kind of surprise made by my boyfriend, and I approach the table, not losing my smile.
There is a rose, a sunflower, a tulip and other flowers that I don't recognize but that I still find wonderful. There are eight of them and they are all beautiful, colorful and with a sweet perfume. I start to smell them one by one and a smile spreads across my face, since I love flowers, Gee has always known that they make me happy.
My gaze falls on something that hangs from the ceiling, attached to the chandelier, and I immediately understand that it is a red letter. I take it, open it and finally read it, not losing my smile and feeling like a child when I used to play treasure hunt with my father.
“Good morning my love! Did you sleep well? I know that I have not given you a good morning kiss yet, even if I technically did while you were sleeping, but this is not important now.
I have prepared a surprise for you and the flowers you see on the table are the clearest proof of this, and it is up to you to get to the end of this little game and therefore have your beautiful surprise.
You can start with the flower on the right of the table, the cherry blossom one, and then continue to the end, making sure you read all the letters.
What would I give to see your smile right now! (because I know you are smiling).
See you at the end for the surprise and the kiss I still owe you.
Love you,
Gee."
I laugh and hug the letter to my chest, thinking that my boyfriend must have been sent down from heaven, because he's perfect, just perfect.
I take the first letter in one hand and the cherry blossom in the other, to then smell it and inebriate myself with its sweet and delicate scent. I place it lightly on the table and I concentrate on the letter.
“CHERRY BLOSSOM= REBIRTH
Do you remember the first time we talked to each other, or rather the first time I tried to get close to you?
You were sitting there, all alone on a bench outside school crying and my heart could not help but cry in turn in front of your little figure huddled on itself.
You were only sixteen, you were so small, innocent and delicate that even now I smile as I remember that moment and think that they were making fun of you and your purity makes me so angry.
I got closer you and put my hand on your shoulder and you jumped, pointing your scared, tear-red eyes to mine.
You were so beautiful Frankie, I can't compare you to anything because nothing would be as beautiful as you.
I can only say that you were and still are wonderful, the most beautiful "thing" that exists on this planet.
I remember that in the end I managed to make you to talk, I managed to make you explain the reason why you were suffering so much.
It was because you still asked your mother to take you to school and you were used to give her a kiss on the cheek to say her goodbye and everyone made fun of you, do you remember?
I still think it's a very sweet thing and that they were the ones having a problem, but not you for sure.
Do you remember the hug you gave me at the end of our chat? Well, I can't forget it, because that hug switched something inside me, it kind of healed me from everything and that's when we were born, that Gerard-and-Frank were born.
That's where we are both reborn, one illuminated by the light of the other."
A tear falls on my face, but not a tear of sadness, but of joy, joy for those words and for those memories that I could never erase from my heart.
I place the letter on the table and I move on, picking up the second one and the sunflower next to it.
“SUNFLOWER = LIGHT
Do you remember the first time we spent an afternoon together, when I came to pick you up from your house with my car and you gave me that little kiss on the cheek as soon as you got into the car?
You spent the rest of the journey in silence, with red cheeks and a look of terror on your face, but as soon as my hand took yours, at the time still clean and without tattoos, you jumped and smiled, lighting up the car, the rainy day, the world, and my life.
I remember that I took you to see that horrible movie during which our hands remained united all the time.
You were so pure Frankie, for the major part of the guys of our age that contact would have meant nothing, but to us it was worth more than any word, more than kisses or anything else.
Do you know what I remember best? Your laugh full of joy outside the cinema, when you hugged me and said "Thank you Gee!" and the smile that never disappeared from your face for the rest of the afternoon, that smile that was brighter than the sun itself."
I laugh while I feel my entire body warming up, as I remember this episode so well too and I remember that at the time I had so little self-esteem that I was embarrassed just to breathe in front of Gee or anyone else.
When I put the letter down, I notice that something else is written in the right corner, only one line:
"P.S. I know that you are smiling even now, as the house has never been so bright as it is now."
I knew he was home! I don't know what he has in mind, but I’m definitely enjoying this "treasure hunt" a lot.
I take the third letter and the flower near it, which is a beautiful light purple rhododendron’s flower. I smile at the thought of what will be written there.
“RHODODENDRON = FRAGILE ENCHANT
This is one of my favorite memories of all and do you know why? It's the one about our first kiss.
You remember it too, I'm sure! We were at my house and you were in tears, in tears because your best friend Neil punched you in the face after finding out you were gay.
I never liked Neil, by now I think you know it, and after that I really hated him.
How dare he hurt you?
I remember we were sitting on my bed and I hugged you tightly, singing a sweet melody in your ear and feeling your tears wet my hands that were caressing your cheeks.
Suddenly you stopped crying and your breath calmed down, so I thought you fell asleep, but no.
You turned in the embrace, looked me in the eyes and kissed me.
Your lips, my God Frankie, what are your lips? What is the sweetest flavor compared to your kisses?
I remember that when we parted your cheeks were so red and I remember that then we both burst out laughing like two children, which we basically were.
You gave me another light kiss and you smiled on my lips and I will never forget how beautiful my life seemed in that moment.
Do you remember how tight I hugged you after the last kiss? You were so small and fragile that even now I wonder how I didn't break you with my grip.
You have enchanted me, I am under a magic spell that you have cast on me and this spell is called love.
Frankie, can I tell you something?
Thanks."
This time I begin to jump around the room, with the letter tight to my chest and more tears of joy running down my face.
“Gee I know you're home! I love you!" I suddenly scream, laughing and not stopping to jump around.
The scene must be quite pathetic and ridiculous if I think about it, since I'm in my underwear, surrounded by a field of flowers that I cry and laugh at the same time.
Ah, Gerard! What are you doing to me?
I take the fourth letter and the tulip next to it and I don't waste time reading it.
“TULIP = LOVE
It was so good our first, or rather our many first, "I love you", do you remember Frankie?
It was your birthday, you would have turned seventeen, but it couldn't bring you joy.
I understand you anyway, since at the time I was used to hate my birthdays too, but after all there was nothing to celebrate but an extra year wasted and an extra year of suffering, but now I can only see it as another beautiful year spent together, next to each other.
But that time your life didn't give you a happy birthday, so as soon as I said "happy birthday Frankie!" you burst into tears.
You told me everything, all the worries that kept you imprisoned and stuck, and I still consider that moment one of the most special ever.
You opened up to me as you only open up to one person in life and so I couldn't stop myself:
"Frank, I give you my love" and I will never forget your expression of absolute joy and all the kisses followed by many little "I love you" after you calmed down and realized that no, I wasn’t joking, but I really loved you.
We spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa, eating the cake your mother made for you and repeating "I love you" a disproportionate amount of times.
My God Frankie, what would I give to go back in time and relive that moment!
I love you my love, I love you with all my heart."
I sit down and begin to relive that moment, smiling and holding back embarrassing noises of joy to not look gayer than I already seem.
I remember it so well, every single word and every single kiss we gave each other that day to seal our beautiful love that will never end.
I quickly wipe my eyes and move on to the fifth letter, as the curiosity is too much and the desire to have my final surprise is extreme.
“ROSE = PASSION
It is impossible not to use the rose, cliché or not that it is, because thinking back to the first time we made love, its perfume is the first thing that comes to mind, perfume of love, perfume of you.
You were so scared, I felt your whole body trembling under me while you were having goosebumps.
You hated your body, you told me several times and being naked in front of me, terrified you.
You were about to cry and you weren't moving a single muscle, so for a moment I wondered if it was really the right choice to do it in that moment.
Suddenly you hugged me tightly, you told me you wanted to be more, that you wanted to be more beautiful, thinner, better or maybe perfect.
I kissed you and I whispered a "you are already perfect Frankie" that lit up your beautiful eyes and made them shine.
Do you remember how good it was? I think it was the closest thing to perfection, I wouldn't change anything of it.
You were beautiful in that moment Frank, I have your expression and your face well impressed in my mind, safe where no one can touch them.
You were so beautiful, but you saw yourself so ugly and I swear that I can't understand why, or rather how your mind could have convinced you of such idiocy.
I know you still don't see yourself beautiful, but I will give you a million red roses until I can convince you otherwise, until you can love yourself as much as I love you.
I will give you red roses forever my love."
I think it's clear by now that I love Gerard with all of myself, but I love most when he completely dedicates his body and soul to me to make me understand how beautiful I am, even if I know I am not, and when he tries to find a reason to make me always smile, as he loves.
I take the sixth letter and the orchid attached to it and read it.
“ORCHID = BEAUTY
Do you remember the time you put on a tuxedo for the first time to go to your cousin's wedding? (sorry, I completely forgot his name).
This may seem like a stupid memory to you, but I cannot erase from my mind your proud and elegant figure admiring himself happily in the mirror.
Frank, that was the first time you said to yourself “today I'm pretty” and this is perhaps one of the most important memories for that very reason.
Even if just for a short time, you loved yourself, and my joy was extreme, indescribable.
You were beautiful for real, you always are to me, you know, but that time you were even more because it was true, because you believed it and because your smile as you turned around in front of the mirror and tied your tie, was authentic.
I will be able to make you happy again with who you are and to make you understand that there is no more beautiful flower than you in the entire world.
You are the Wonder of my life."
This time the tears that fall on my face are bitter and full of sadness, as I remember that day, but with shame.
I am not beautiful and I will never be.
I'm sorry Gee, but you'll never be able to erase the view I have of myself from my mind.
"P.S. And if you dare to think that you are not beautiful or if the tears that are now falling on your face are not of joy, I will have to give you more than one good morning kiss!"
Okay, you won! I burst out laughing and I put the letter next to the orchid on the table, then moving on to the next flower, a beautiful hyacinth.
“HYACINTH = FORGIVNESS
This is a memory that may seem silly, stupid, or even useless, but it was here that I first realized how bad and lonely my life would be without you.
It was the day of Christmas Eve and I had flatly refused to come to the dinner party at your parents' house for some reason I don't even remember, and you left without me, leaving me home alone the evening before the day I absolutely prefer.
I was heartbroken but it was my fault, and I would have to fix everything by myself.
Do you remember the "sorry frnk" written in the snow with the Christmas lights and how much you made fun of me for not writing Frank properly? I remember that I spent so much money to buy them, and I just couldn’t write the A.
I remember you ran out of the house and hugged me, making us both fall into the soft snow, while laughing, kissing and repeating to each other a thousand of confused excuses.
The fear of losing you made me think about what I’ve done that day and I swear that I will do my best to make sure that it never happens again, I will try to be enough for you.
Sorry if I'm not perfect Frankie, stay with me, I need you."
Of course I'm staying with you! What's going on in your mind Gee?
I admit, I had practically forgot about this memory, I didn't think it was so important to him, I didn't think I had broken his heart...
How can he think he is not enough? At the end of it I'll have to kiss him for sure, I'll have to make him understand once and for all that he's perfect.
I admire the flower a little longer and I smile when I see the last letter and the last flower, that is a wonderful calla.
I admit, I’m a little bit sorry that it's all over, but at least I will finally be able to have my surprise and by now I am so happy and excited about that.
“CALLA = ETERNITY
Before starting with this last letter, I would like to point out that yes, this game is over, but there is still something on the table, another letter ready to be read as the last thing ..."
I turn around and I notice a red envelope that I had not actually seen before, an envelope that is just the same as the one I started with. I smile and focused again on the letter in my hands.
“Well, this memory dates back to a month ago, when we celebrated our ninth year as a couple.
Can you imagine Frankie? Nine years that we know each other, nine years that we put up with each other (or rather that you stand me), nine years of hugs, nine years of good morning and goodnight kisses, nine years of cuddling on the sofa until late at night, nine years of memories, experiences, nine years of love, nine years of us...
Nine has always been my lucky number and do you know why?
You came into my life on April 9th nine years ago, on my 19th birthday, and you were the absolute best gift I could wish for.
You turned my birthday into our birthday, because even though we become a couple later, we both were born that day, we were reborn together and above all I was reborn.
Frank, I don't know how to thank you and how to make you understand how important you are to me, but I can swear that my heart is yours now and forever, my love is eternal and even if for some strange reason you won't love me anymore, I will always be by your side, because I belong to you.
Frankie thank you, thank you so much for these nine years of life that you have given me.
I love you."
I stop to reflect on those words. How could I no longer love the person who gave me so much? How could I forget how many times Gerard saved me and helped me out lifting me off the ground?
How could I...?
Gee, you really are an idiot.
"I love you..." I whisper with a sweet smile full of emotion, before grabbing the last letter, the ninth, and finally read it.
“And the treasure hunt is over! Are you happy my love?
You may be wondering why I put on this show and which is the so much-named surprise, but I ask you to wait a moment to collect all the flowers, all our memories, make a bouquet and hold them in your hands.
Done? Well, now I'd like you to turn around, see your idiot boyfriend who put on this silly show, take your good morning kiss and your long-awaited and well-deserved surprise."
I wait two more seconds before deciding to turn around and finally see Gerard, wearing my boxers that I could not find before, smiling and looking at me with bright and shiny eyes.
I run to meet him and hug him tightly, and then I kiss him with so much enthusiasm and love.
But strangely, I don't feel him hugging me, as I only see him keeping his hands behind his back, and so I interrupt the hug and I look at him with a confused face.
"Gee, did I do something wrong...?"
He chuckles and moves one of his hands to my face to gently caress me and give me another sweet kiss.
“No baby, you haven't done anything wrong. Ready for the surprise?" He asks, rubbing his nose on mine, softly and gently.
"I'm more than ready!"
He smiles at me one last time and then shows me a last flower, but not a simple and common one, but our flower: a small pansy, the flower to which he has always compared me, the one that for him describes my shyness and behavior better than anything else, my favorite flower, my own flower.
He brings out a part of my life.
I laugh as my eyes fill with new tears, but when I finally pick the flower to add it to the bouquet that I still hold in my hands, I notice that there is something on its stem, that there is a small object tied around it with a little ribbon, an object that looks a lot like a ring...
"G-Gee but..."
"Marry me."