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It’s October already, and the weather is getting a bit colder. The heat of the summer long gone by now. The autumn leaves keep falling and piling, one on top of the other with their beautiful yellow and orange hues. A harsh wind passes, messing all the leaves that had piled up. Yoongi adjusts his coat and gets more comfortable on the bench he’s sitting on. It’s quiet in the park today except for a few kids running and laughing.
Yoongi hates parks.
He is waiting for Taehyung, whose idea was to meet there (apparently Yoongi left a box full of his things in the apartment). The same park where they met and, funny enough, where they ended things. Where he ended things.
Yoongi tries not to think how the only reason he ever liked parks was because of Taehyung. How he loved to watch, his hair getting messed up by the wind under cherry trees, and how Taehyung used to close his eyes as if the wind was hugging him. Yoongi tries not to think how he loved to kiss the younger when he closed his eyes. Yoongi tries not to think of Taehyung.
He scoffs and pulls his cellphone out of his pocket. His mind has been doing that lately. Images of Taehyung out of nowhere. Moments they spent together and how much Yoongi loved him. Loves him. He scoffs again. Pathetic, Yoongi thinks. How he was convinced he didn’t love the younger just a few months ago, and now his mind decides to fuck him over and tell him he was wrong. He acted impulsively. “Pathetic,” he murmurs this time.
He closes his eyes and forces himself not to think. Not that it works. Not that he wants to stop either, but he won’t admit that. He won’t admit that he misses Taehyung. That he hates to be waiting for him in this park because the only reason he came was to see him. Admire his beautiful face one last time. To convince himself he did the right thing and that they are better off apart.
He hates this park. He hates himself.
He hates Taehyung.
He loves Taehyung.
He rubs his eyes, which are wet by now. He blames the wind. He checks the time and realizes it’s been 20 minutes have passed, and Taehyung is supposed to arrive in 40 minutes. He got earlier to calm his nerves, which was a mistake. He can’t even breathe.
He decides to take a short walk and look at his surroundings. A small girl is trying to feed a dove. A parent is showing his kid how to bike. They seem happy.
The birds chirping above his head calm him a little. He takes a deep breath as he continues walking. His chest feels too tight. He came here to take whatever Taehyung said he left in his apartment and nothing else. So why he wants to beg the younger to take him back. To forget all the shit, he said that day.
He can’t take it anymore and sits on the next bench he spots. He doesn’t stop the tears this time, and he doesn’t blame the wind. He blames himself for letting go of the only person who loved him the way he is—allowing his anxiety to take the best of him and breaking off the only valuable and beautiful thing he had in his life. He let Taehyung go and said a bunch of shit he didn’t mean. He left because he felt stuck. He left him because Taehyung was too good to him. He never complained. Never saw the bad in him, and Yoongi tried to tell not to understand him, not to love him because he is not worth the love, he is not worth the understanding and Taehyung just hugged him and kissed his temple kindly and whispered I love you no matter what and got on with his day. Yoongi hated him for that. Why would someone as beautiful as him ever love him? Taehyung didn’t love him. Taehyung thought he loved him, so Yoongi decided to end things for his own good. Taehyung is better off without him.
He dries his tears and rechecks the time. Taehyung should be there in 10 minutes.
He lays down on the bench and puts his forearm on his eyes. He lets himself think and remember freely. He figures it’s not worth fighting it anymore when all he wants to think about is Taehyung. Taehyung and his soft, deep voice. Taehyung and his long and soft hands caressing his head when he was too stressed with uni work. Taehyung and his boxy smile and mischievous eyes when he played a prank on him. Taehyung and his loud sneezes and how he used to scold him for that, and he just laughed. Taehyung and his way of giving Yoongi space without complaining. Taehyung and his soft lips on his neck. Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung.
Why did you leave him?
“Hi,”- Taehyung greets quietly.
Yoongi gets up and hopes the younger can’t hear his heartbeat from where he is standing.
“Hi,” – he says, sitting and pointing at the empty side of the bench for the younger.
Taehyung doesn’t sit immediately, and it takes a few seconds for Yoongi to realize he has been staring at his feet. He looks up and sees Taehyung’s eyes looking at him intensely. He is wearing a beige turtle neck sweater. His hair is waving messily in the wind but still looking soft and warm. Yoongi always thought if Taehyung were a season, it would be autumn, but Taehyung loves winter. It doesn’t take another second for Yoongi to realize once again his grave mistake of letting this man go. But is too late, and Yoongi has a goal to cry as soon as he gets to his empty and lonely apartment after this meeting. There’s nothing else he can do after all.
The younger finally sits and sighs. Yoongi looks at him once again and then averts his eyes to the autumn leaves on the floor.
“How have you been?” Taehyung finally says after a few minutes.
“Fine”- missing you, he wants to say. Take me back; he wants to beg. He doesn’t.
“And you,” he asks instead.
“Hmm,” the younger hums.
“Hmm,” he repeats.
It’s awkward this meeting, and Yoongi wants to cry. He did this. He ended things, and he is the only want to blame. He has no right to feel uncomfortable or wanting to change his mistake. There is no going back. Taehyung won’t take him back. He doesn’t deserve a second chance. Taehyung is better off without him.
“One more time,” Taehyung says. Yoongi looks at him, confused.
“One more time, what?” he asks. He is nervous now. What does the younger mean?
“Why you ended things. Tell me one more time, and I will give you your things and leave, and we won’t see each other again,” Taehyung says, and he is hurt and mad, and his eyes are wet.
Yoongi looks down. And tightness of his chest is unbearable now, and he can’t breathe.
Right. To say it one more time. To tell all the bullshit, he spat months ago. He remembers all of it, and Yoongi wants to say it all. He wants to say that he is stuck, that he is not enough for Taehyung, and that he is better off without him. That he needs more space, and he can’t keep asking Taehyung for more. That he needs time to figure himself out. To love himself more. That he cannot be in a relationship anymore, that Taehyung doesn’t deserve the anxious mess he has become. That Taehyung is too precious and to, please let him go. He wants to say it and shout it so Taehyung can understand how much of a mess Yoongi is and understand that Taehyung doesn’t love him. This Yoongi of now is not the one he met two years ago. That Yoongi doesn’t smile anymore and cries himself to sleep every night. That Yoongi doesn’t want him back.
He wants to say it, but he can’t.
He can’t because, besides all of that, he does want Taehyung to take him back. God, he wants it so much, and he is so selfish. So selfish because he still knows he doesn’t deserve it. But he doesn’t need space, he is not stuck, he doesn’t want to spend another second away from Taehyung’s hold, and he wants to hear it again. He wants to be held by his long and comforting arms and to whisper to his ear - 'I love you no matter what'. He wants Taehyung back even if he doesn’t deserve it. He so selfishly wants it and craves and aches for him and God, he is so alone and hopeless. And each passing second, he realizes how stupid he’s been, how sad he is how much he loves Taehyung.
It takes time for him to realize he is full-on sobbing and is no longer sitting but bent over with his face buried in his hand, letting hurt and sobs noises out. And he should be embarrassed he can’t even control his emotions in front of the man he left. And he has no right to do this because he was the one who wanted things to be over. But he is so sad and alone, and Taehyung won’t take him back. Pathetic, he thinks for the third time that day.
He doesn’t know how much time passes, and he nearly forgot he has yet to answer. He dries his tears and finally dares to look at the other man. His heart breaks once again when he sees him. His cheeks tear stain and messy hair because of the wind. And what hurts the most is the softness in Taehyung’s eyes as if watching Yoongi cry gave him all the answers, and he is willing to take him back and that hurts more is just not true, and he is just so desperate. So he starts to say it all one more time as requested.
“I feel stuck. You don’t deserve-"
“Liar!” Taehyung spits, and Yoongi flinches.
“Don’t lie anymore, Yoongi just- " and Yoongi had never heard him this mad, pained, and hurt.
He sighs and holds his breath. He won’t cry anymore. He wants to preserve the minimal dignity he has left. He breathes out and starts again. He needs to lie one more time, and then all of this is over.
“You don’t deserve this Tae-"
“Stop,” Taehyung sighs, suddenly looking tired.
“Just say it, Yoongi, and stop lying” he rubs his eyes and looks up.
“Say what?” Yoongi asks because he is honestly confused and tired, and the more time passes, the less he wants to lie.
“Just say that you stopped loving me. I just need to hear it and move on” He looks at Yoongi in the eyes, daring him to lie once again and daring him to start with some bullshit.
And Yoongi can’t stop the tears that start to fall once again because Yoongi can lie about everything but this. He can’t lie about loving Taehyung because it’s the most honest and pure thing he has ever felt.
“You told me not to lie” is the only thing he says.
And Yoongi is suddenly so tired. So tired of fighting with himself. Of trying to keep lying to Taehyung. So tired of denying himself peace. So tired of complicating things. So tired of being alone and cold. So tired of not having Taehyung anymore. So, so tired of fucking things up.
“I love you, Taehyung,” he blurts out. “I love you so so much that it hurts. I want you to take me back. I want you to forgive me and hug me and never give me space anymore. I’m so alone and anxious. I’m sad, and I miss you. God, I miss you so fucking much” he looks up and closes his eyes. Tears are falling down his cheeks.
“And I know you won’t take me back, and I know is not what you want to hear but is the only truth I have” he sighs and stands up, not looking at Taehyung—scared of what he might find in the other man’s eyes—scared of being cursed at or punch. He deserves it, he thinks.
“I wish you a good life, and I hope you can forgive me one day,” he finally says, giving his back to the younger.
He starts to walk when he hears Taehyung talk.
“You are such an idiot, Yoongi, and such a coward.”
Yes, he is. He is that and more. He takes a deep breath and turns around, not expecting the other man to be standing in front of him. He didn’t expect Taehyung to be smiling either.
Taehyung hugs him tight and caresses his hair. And he is surprised at his own body’s response because he is holding the other man so tight and desperately. He starts to whisper so many 'sorry' and 'forgive me', and 'I love yous'. He is so fucking sorry, and he loves Taehyung so much. It doesn’t make sense that he is being held like this. But he won’t let go this time, and he won’t let his mind second guess this. He keeps holding with so much force because if Taehyung wants him back, he will go, and he will be good.
“Let’s go home,” Taehyung whispers in his ear—Yoongi nods. Not wanting to break the hug. Not wanting Taehyung’s arm away from him.
'Home' Yoongi thinks, and despite all the pain and confusion and all the things he has to think about and talk about with Taehyung, he smiles, and warmth spreads on his chest. It is only after they arrive at the younger’s apartment, he realizes Taehyung’s hands were empty all along.
Taehyung wanted him back, after all.
Taehyung loves him.