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When it first started, Dimitri thought he might have been mistaken. After all, his relationship with Felix was still fragile and prone to misunderstandings as the two adjusted from their years of estrangement and wartime into a tentative partnership as King and Duke. Felix had spent years opposed to even being in the same room as Dimitri. Really, looking back at the vitriol of their teenage years, Dimitri should have been grateful for the fact that they could now have civil conversations, but some part of him always felt greedy for more. It was never enough, their reconciliation never quick enough, always leaving him feeling wrong footed, like he had taken a step expecting a stair where there was none or that he had fruitlessly reached for something that always eluded him, or perhaps was impossible to grasp, their former closeness as futile as trying to hold smoke.
As time went on, it became something that he could no longer attribute to his own self-consciousness. When talking to Dimitri about the crop yields reported by the Eastern lords, Felix had kept his eyes fixed on the window the entire time, only wavering when it came time to leave. At a meal with Annette and Mercedes, he had chosen to sit beside Dimitri and had not turned to look at him once. Not even a fond retelling of a childhood incident in which he and Felix had gotten scolded for using shields from the palace training grounds as sleds caused him to shift his gaze in Dimitri’s direction, though Felix had scoffed and chided him for being so sentimental. All told, Felix had not looked at Dimitri for three moons.
Was this how their relationship was destined to be? He had hoped when they began to reconcile that they could regain something of their childhood closeness. During the years where Felix had disavowed any affiliation with him and hated him, the absence of his friend had felt like the aching of a missing limb, the distance between them insurmountable. In comparison to those times, he should have been grateful for what they had now, but he could not help his selfish heart wanting more, wanting Felix to see him again.
His chest felt hollow at the thought of returning to the distance of those years at the Officers’ Academy. He steeled himself and knocked at Felix’s chamber doors, reminding himself of the regret that he felt about not reaching out to him in the past, wondering if that could have changed things between them.
Felix looked surprised at seeing Dimitri standing there when he opened the door, but quickly his face rearranged itself into a familiar scowl, his eyes fixed at the wall behind his king. “What are you doing here, Dimitri?”
“May I speak with you?” Dimitri asked carefully.
Felix grunted and stepped aside for him to enter, arms crossed and hands reflexively squeezing at his sleeves.
“Felix. Look at me,” Dimitri commanded, and Felix’s eyes snapped to him in unconscious deference to that tone—just for a second—before his scowl deepened and he looked away once again, busying himself with gathering the papers on his desk.
“What is it? I’m too busy to be spending time on frivolous chatter, as are you.”
“You are always one to cut to the heart of the matter, aren’t you, Felix?” Dimitri could not help the pang of fondness that rang through his chest at Felix’s consistency.
“There’s no purpose in doing anything else. What a waste of time.”
Dimitri smiled wryly. “A waste of time… Yes, I suppose that’s so.” He walked over to Felix, firm in his resolution to address this distance that yawned between them. Felix’s eyes widened and he moved to take a step back at the look on Dimitri’s face before he stopped, looking at him suspiciously.
“What, Dimitri?”
“I have been very thankful for the improvement in our relationship these past few months. I have made it no secret that I regret the distance of our relationship during our teenage years. I thought that you were in agreement with me on this matter.”
Felix’s stiff posture broke as he snapped his head up to meet Dimitri’s eyes, defensive. “I am.”
“Do you not also agree then that that progress has halted and even reversed in the past few weeks?”
Felix’s face suddenly went red and he turned away violently. “That has nothing to do with the rebuilding of our relationship.”
Dimitri frowned, moving around his friend to try and catch his gaze. “I beg to differ. Even now, you are refusing to look at me. How can we claim to have a renewed friendship without even being able to acknowledge each other?”
“You are well aware that I have always struggled with eye contact with others,” Felix argued furiously, still doing his best to look away from his king.
“This is different, however. You have been refusing to even look in my general direction. Why, the other day when we had dinner with Annette and Mercedes you insisted that I eat another meat pie and passed it to my plate while you were looking at Mercedes. I do not wish for what happened in the past to occur once again, Felix. Losing your friendship a second time would be a burden too severe for my heart to bear again.”
Felix scoffed derisively. “You fool, that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.”
“Please elaborate, Felix.”
“I can’t look at you anymore because every time I do, I can’t control myself!” He finally burst out in frustration, then looked horrified at what had just come out of his mouth.
Dimitri was shocked, then cautiously asked, “Are you saying…?”
“I’m not saying anything,” he objected furiously.
Dimitri’s heart stuttered then felt as if it started beating again, twice as quickly. He felt a smile breaking out over his face, completely out of his conscious control. “Felix…”
“Don’t come near me,” he warned.
His King heeded not his words. “Felix, please,” he asked softly, “just be honest with me.”
“Fine. If you are going to insist on pushing this asinine matter, then fine. I can’t look at you because every time I do my entire face goes red, alright?” Felix finally burst out angrily, advancing on Dimitri and looking at him for the first time in months.
Dimitri looked stricken, his mouth gaping open.
As soon as Felix’s courage had finally come, it left, like the capricious cats that had made the monastery their home. With it, he deflated, turning away once more, suddenly seeming weary. “I told you that you wouldn’t want to hear the answer.”
The two sat in silence for what felt like ten excruciating minutes. Felix then turned and hurried to take his exit. “Just forget what I said,” he huffed.
“Felix, wait.” Dimitri reached out to him, gently but firmly grasping the sleeve of his tunic. Gone was the shocked look he had worn only minutes prior, replaced by a tenderness that made Felix’s stomach churn even more than his King’s previously slack jawed expression. Tenderness was dangerous—he couldn’t afford to have hope. Clearly even without hope he had failed to suppress his feelings so miserably that Dimitri felt the need to call a private meeting with him. Damn the man, he dreaded to think how pathetically he would have to operate now just to avoid making a fool out of himself. Perhaps he would simply have to start writing out his opinions in council meetings and sliding them over to his King, he thought hysterically. Or maybe he would get lucky hunting and injure his eyes by staring into the sun for too long, thus avoiding the need to look at or explain why he could not look at Dimitri. At this point, it did seem like the less painful option.
Felix drew in a sharp breath and pulled at the arm in Dimitri’s grasp. “Let me go.”
“Oh, Felix, I did not realize…” He started, looking regretful, but still holding onto Felix’s sleeve.
Felix let out an aggravated sigh. “It’s fine. Just let me go.”
“Ah, no, I was not apologizing for that. My apology is for misunderstanding you. A memory from childhood I had forgotten has returned to me.”
“How wonderful for you.”
“Wonderful for us both, in fact,” Dimitri corrected, smiling now.
Felix glared at him. “Stop beating around the bush and get to the point.”
“Ah, yes, my apologies again, Felix.”
“You don’t need to apologize, just spit it out.”
Dimitri smiled fondly at him and said casually, as if he wasn’t completely turning Felix’s world upside down: “Did you know I have been in love with you since we were children?”
“What?” Felix felt as if his voice was coming from far away, obscured by the blood rushing in his ears.
“Well, I would have thought it quite obvious when we were children. I so rarely slept alone when you visited Fhirdiad with your father. And we never really took advantage of the size of my bed in the palace—I seem to recall being squished together from bedtime until dawn, when we would rush down to the training grounds to practice forms together.”
“But that was because I insisted on it,” Felix argued. “You never seemed to care one way or the other.”
“Well, there was never any need to raise any objections when the things that I wanted were what you were so vocally demanding.”
“So what are you saying then? That I’ve been making a fool out of myself for nothing?”
“Nothing of the sort, Felix. Though I do think it would be foolish of both of us to continue to deny ourselves our heart’s desires if our affections are returned.”
Felix covered his face with his hands and groaned, “Please don’t put it like that.”
Dimitri was grinning now, a mischievous look in his eyes. “But Felix, do you not want to hear about the eternal flame of my love for you that has burned since before I knew what the emotion was?”
“No, no, I don’t.” Dimitri chuckled, entirely too pleased with himself. “But apparently the same flame burns in your face, does it not?”
Felix scowled again, declaring loudly, “Honesty is a mistake. I regret ever telling you the truth.” But as hard as he tried, he couldn’t hide the little quirk of his lips. Dimitri swept him up into an embrace, feeling exuberant with relief and happiness.
It took Felix about four more months of courtship to be able to look at Dimitri again without flushing and violently jerking away, but Dimitri found that he really did not mind it so much anymore. After all, nowadays he could just duck around to Felix’s turned away face and sneak a quick kiss, which he knew Felix would always return.