Chapter Text
Dear Seven,
I can’t believe I’m writing this. Dr. Sadler said this would be a good way to express myself to you. I didn’t imagine it would be this difficult, however. I’ve been seeing Dr. Sadler for a few months now. Ever since the incident on Deron Z72. I know you remember it with your eidetic memory. You make me smile when you remind me of that. Anyway, when we were captured by the Celidians, and put in that prison together… it was awful, I know it was. There were times I thought we wouldn’t make it out alive. ...But, that’s not all I felt. You were… incredible, as usual. You protected me when my cellmate attempted to strike me. And I didn’t feel guilty about it, because you let me take care of you, too, when you had that fever. (What I would’ve given to be able to get you a portable regenerator.) God, I was so afraid I would lose you.
There were so many things that happened, Seven. When you held me the night our new friend, who reminded me of Neelix, was executed. I waited until you fell asleep before I cried into your neck. Sobbed, more like. I wanted so much to hold onto you forever and never leave that place in your arms.
Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Ugh. Dr. Sadler told me to not judge myself and just let the words “flow.” That woman drives me crazy sometimes. But, I guess I can’t get too mad at a hologram. I’m not really mad at her, anyway. I’m mad at myself.
You know me, I’m Starfleet through and through. Just like my father. He was so proud when I joined the ‘fleet. Whenever he saw me in uniform, he’d tell me I was the most competent person in the room and to never forget that when things were difficult. Now, I see it for what it was. A boost in my confidence so I wouldn’t run away in fear. Ha! How daddy underestimated the Janeway women. We’re pretty stubborn, if you couldn’t tell. (I know, I know. You are more aware of my stubbornness than others, in some ways.) But Seven, I’m at my wits end. I mean, there’s a reason I sought out a holographic therapist, and am writing this letter at all. I think I’d literally rather eat leola root soup for a week…
I’m rambling again. I just don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t know how to put it into words. I just feel so… stupid. And old. And frankly? Pathetic. It’s the NUMBER ONE RULE that Captain’s don’t fall for a subordinate. (Okay, maybe not the “number one rule,” but it’s still such a… stereotype.) But… I can’t help it. I’m too old and set in my ways to be able to provide you with anything you’d want. Plus, as I’m sure you’ve noticed at least in passing, I’m a woman. You’re a woman. I’m sure someday you’d like to have children, and while I know technology permits us that ability, I doubt it’s what you’d want. “Us?” Who the hell am I kidding?
Sadler said that this letter thing isn’t about being an ass to myself, though. It’s about getting off my chest the things I’ve been bottling up, unsuccessfully. (I like to blame coffee for not being able to sleep, and it is the reason. But, there’s a reason I drink so much of it as the day goes on.)
When I do sleep… I wake up in tears. I wake up with such a light heart, as if you will be there holding me once more, keeping me warm and protected like you did in that damn prison. And it’s selfish, so incredibly selfish, that I wish we were still there sometimes. Just for that. To be close to you.
We had little choices there, and once you found out that my cellmate was going to try to beat me into ‘submission,’ you wouldn’t let me out of your sight. You would’ve made Tuvok proud! I’m sure he’d love to have more security recruits like you.
You were so sweet. Selfless.
And here I am, once again, being an asshole. I just miss you so much. It hurts. I feel like my chest is always heavy, weighted, from the love that I have to shove back down. And I see you with the crew, even smiling once in a while when B’Elanna says something so ridiculous you can’t help it. And it’s like my heart is ripped from me and all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and…
But Seven, none of that is fair to you. None of it is fair to the crew. You are brilliant, beautiful, and warm-hearted. You deserve to find and stick with whatever it is that makes you happy. I want you to be happy.
And, I also want to forget.
I don’t want to love you, my dearest. It hurts too much. Seeing you everyday was killing me. I had to put up a wall between us. I had to stop our late night chats and our games of Velocity and our occasional meals together. I’m weak, Seven. I don’t know if you can see it or not, but darling, I am so weak.
If I could, I would extract this love I have for you. I think we’d both be happier if I did because...
I can’t spend time with you, Seven. I just… can’t. I find myself crying at inopportune times, just thinking of you. Thinking of you with someone else is the most painful—
I hope that in writing these feelings down, it will somehow get rid of them. I want more than anything to spend time with you and have fun, and help you with absolutely anything. I would do nearly anything to make that happen... if I could just let go of loving you.
I heard a rumor in passing that Commander Chakotay was thinking of asking you to dinner. I nearly broke down on the spot.
I hope it isn’t true that he wants to see you romantically.
Unless… that makes you happy, darling. If you’re really happy with him…
I can’t think about it right now. I’m trying to get all this down in one go so I don’t have to think about it any more.
Do you know what Naomi said to me once? You and she had just finished a game of Kadis Kot and I had missed you by less than a minute. I didn’t really have a reason to see you. I just wanted to. But anyway, Naomi was so happy. She told me all about how much she likes having you as her friend and how much she admires you. I told her I felt the same way about you, and she seemed confused by that. That girl, sometimes… too smart for her own good. She asked me, in Borg fashion I might add, if I loved you.
I didn’t know what to say. Honestly. I didn’t want to lie, but to hear it out loud, said to a crewmember, and a child? I was literally speechless.
She said that if I did love you, I would need to ask her permission before I asked you to be my… girlfriend. I shudder even at the memory. She’s young, I get that, but to be seen through like it was nothing… after all the time I spent covering my feelings. I knew at that point that I needed to be more diligent.
And then we ended up in that prison.
Do you know how many times I came so close to kissing you? God. I was reckless. But I was so… I don’t know, darling. I just wanted so badly to believe it to be true, that you could feel that way about me. But in the back of my mind… I always knew. I knew you didn’t. You’re still acclimating to being severed from the Borg and living as a human. Everything is probably strange and overwhelming, and I didn’t, I don’t, want to complicate things more for you.
I remember one night on Deron Z72 that you wrapped your arm over me and spooned me. I think I nearly died. I mean, it was everything to me. I think it’s why I have such trouble sleeping… I wake up so happily, thinking you’re beside me, and then I spill over with tears.
Sometimes I think it’d be better you never made that dream a reality. I know you were asleep. I don’t blame you, darling, at all. I just shouldn’t have been such an idiot.
Now the thought of touching you… I can’t imagine it. I think I would shatter. I will need to practice how to deal with seeing you touch someone else. Or hold them. Or kiss them. God. Maybe the Doctor will give me some morphine. That would help a little.
Dr. Sadler said that something I needed to, or should if I feel up to it, include here, are the ways I’d react if you (a) accepted and shared my feelings, and (b) rejected me.
So… Let’s say you for some reason I shared my feelings with you and you reciprocated… I honestly don’t know what I’d do, Seven. Our situation is unchanged. I am still the Captain; you are still a subordinate. We’re still on a starship in the Delta, and will be for a very long time. It’s not the best situation to try a new relationship. We’d both have to be able to separate business from pleasu—and if we broke up... It just seems like a bad idea in every aspect.
But, to be perfectly honest... I would say ‘screw it’ to all of it, for you. And I have, haven’t I? Heh. Not my proudest moment, but I swear Seven, if the Queen had done. Any. Thing. To you. I would’ve shown her a hell she couldn’t ever have imagined.
More realistically, if you (b) rejected me… I think I’d be right where I am now. I would cry a lot. I’d feel pretty hollow. I’d be jealous of everyone you smile at and touch. I’d retreat and put up a wall. I think it’d be just like it is now.
Except for one aspect.
There would be the possibility that you… were… disgusted by me. Or, feel like I’ve taken advantage of you. Or think I was only ever any particular way with you because I wanted to, as you would say, ‘copulate’ with you…. That would kill me.
I would rather you hate me than be disgusted with me, Seven, sweetheart.
That’s the main reason I could never tell you any of this. If there were even a sliver of a chance that you would think I’d taken advantage…
But I guess that’s why Dr. Sadler had me write this letter. For me to express how I feel in the safety that you will never read it or hear it.
The thing is, Seven… Ugh. Why is this so difficult to write?
I… I love you, Seven. With everything I am. I would move mountains for you. I thought I’d loved before, and I had. But it wasn’t like this. It was… more removed. The love I have for you is so… strong. It scares me, my love.
It makes me feel like I could slaughter a hundred men to get to you. Or storm a Borg cube all alone, and succeed. How have you embedded yourself so deeply in my heart? I don’t know.
I just know that, no matter what… no matter what happens in the rest of my life, long or short as it is… I will always, always love you. You will always, always be in my heart. I will love you until I die.
I love you with all my heart and soul, Seven.
Yours always,
Kathryn