Chapter Text
The scorched, cracked sediment was torture to stand on, burning your toes even through the thick leather of your boots. The planet was in the midst of a heat wave, threatening the sparse yet hardy vegetation that had once thrived. Master Lei Silo, a male Mirialan boasting aged green skin, and dark robes stood over you threateningly. Once upon a time, his glare would have invited you to shrink out of existence, but time had made a solider out of you. You stood guarded, taking solace in the comforting weight of your lightsaber hanging from your hip, arms crossed as your master scolded you, again.
“Y/n! Let go of your attachment. Whatever fantasy you have created in your mind will not be. At 23 years old, it’s nearing time you took the Trials. You will become a great Jedi. If you just, let. This. Go.” His deep voice reverberated against the looming rock walls, emphasizing ‘go.’
A deep distaste for these planets had cemented in your mind. Master Silo always seemed to bring you here when you had done something wrong. As if the intense sun and foreign rock formations were enough to force you into seeing his way. But, the strength of his reprimand was dwarfed by the weight of your true purpose on this planet. The clone army was planning an attack here in a few weeks, an intense ground assault. You and Master Silo, a master of survival and one of the last remaining Jedi aligning with the sentinel way, were to gather as much information as possible about the existing base. You had been trekking the rough terrain for hours, mind churning when you finally asked openly if Master, no, General Obi-Wan Kenobi would be leading the battle effort. Master Silo groaned and pulled his hand over his face as he usually did when he was about to repeat himself. As much as you tried to hide it, he had known from the moment he took you as his Padawan that you had developed deep feelings for the older Jedi.
Time and time again, he had told you to let it go. The older Jedi had never acknowledged your existence in your time as a Padawan. There was no possibility he felt the same way. Obi-Wan Kenobi was a Master Jedi Knight, well trained in the Jedi Code and overwhelming with his sense of honor. He would not break it to chase you. Despite the anger spread across his face, manifesting in furrowed brows and closed fists, the Mirialan’s dark eyes pleaded with you. He had been your master for almost 16 years now. You trusted each other with life, limb, and soul. Nothing good could come from this attachment.
You opened your mouth to retort when rifle blast broke through your ears. A single shot with not enough time to react. Blood splattered your face, lining your cheeks and lips as your Master’s body crumpled to the ground, his face contorted. The despondent wail of a child erupted from your chest as the red liquid flowed from his skull onto the dusty rock. Anger welled like a chemical reaction, automated hands ripping your saber from your belt, the green blade humming to life as you stood guard over your master’s body.
“Who goes there!” You cry out in anger, desperation welling inside you to avenge your master. You reach out through the Force, searching, grasping for any semblance of consciousness that could have harmed your master. Nothing came to you. No, you would find them. You reach further, plunging as deeply as you could and further yet. Small beasts, insects, the lasting presence of the foliage. Every muscle in your neck pulled, flaring in protest. Nothing. Falling to your knees you took the head of your Master into your lap. Tears fell heavy as you searched for any life within him. Fear manifested in your stomach, clawing its way into your throat and chest. Choking down a sob you plead with the Force,
“M-master Silo! Master Silo! Please, I’m not r-ready. I’m not ready. Not for you to go. Not yet. I can’t.. I can’t let it go. I need your help. Please!”
The day you came into Master Silo’s direction had been a horrible one. He had not wanted a Padawan, let alone a girl. A girl would get in the way and create new kinds of trouble he was not ready to deal with. The Jedi High Council persisted. You sat outside the doors to the chamber for hours, listening to your soon to be Master give every argument imaginable as to why he could not train you. But in the end, the will of the High Council must be obeyed. An hour of silence passed. When you were finally summoned into the room, eyes puffy with old tears, Master Silo’s anger melted from his form. His shoulders sagged as he beheld the small human girl, dressed in simple dark robes. He walked to you, heavy footsteps echoing in the silent chamber, dusty sand-colored robes fluttering. He looked so much younger then. A proven warrior and paragon for his people. The black geometric tattoos on his face told the story of his bravery. You remembered glancing at the High Council, the face of Master Yoda was still, watching you with a knowing eye. Master Silo lowered himself to his knees in front of you and met your hesitant gaze. When you looked away, abashed and ashamed of your childishness, his voice rumbled.
“Look at me, young one, and see the reasons I have now to accept you.”
The question of what your Master had meant on that day resurfaced as you stared at his face. The face of a fierce warrior, devoted friend, and wise Master. As you sat, holding your Master’s large body, his long, black hair began to mat with blood. The heavy silver decorations he wore chimed against the dirt as you set down his head, and reached out for the Jedi Council.
***********
The weight on your heart was heavier than his body that day, as you remembered carrying your Master through the valley of rocks, stumbling to keep his great form off the ground. Your vision blurred with exhaustion, heat and emotions swirling into a night of no sleep and hiccupping cries. The funeral pyre burned brightly in the center of the small stone room. All around you, Jedi and Padawan alike had gathered in the circular hall to mourn the loss of Jedi Master Lei Silo. Grief settled deeply in your heart as you watched your former master’s hair burn, his once vibrant green skin had faded to that of an ugly toad. You stood like a statue, the hood of your robes pulled low over your eyes, trained on the funeral pyre. A stiff breeze wafted past your nose, shaking you ever so slightly from your mourning. Across the room, adjacent to the fire, stood Obi-Wan Kenobi. You flick your gaze away immediately from the older Jedi. This was not the time. You could not confront your feelings for him while your former master lay burning in the middle of the room. You had caused this. His death. Guilt overwhelmed your senses and your knees felt weak. If you had just listened to your master the first time, all those years ago. If you hadn’t ignored his warnings or opened your mouth about the Jedi Knight, Master Silo might still be alive. He would have sensed the intruder prowling the canyons. Maybe you would have.
The speculation consumed your mind for a long while. You didn’t notice the fire die out and the other members in attendance shuffle past you.
“Padawan y/n?” a strange voice probed.
Shaken, your eyes shot up from their place on the floor to see Master Yoda and Master Obi-Wan Kenobi standing in front of you. Your eyes locked with Obi-Wan’s for a brief moment, your heart fluttered and you looked away quickly to the small, green Jedi Master.
“Master Yoda, Master Kenobi, thank you for attending Master Silo’s funeral.” You spoke softly.
“A brave man, he was,” Yoda consoled. “And proud of you, young Padawan.”
Master Kenobi remained silent, his eyes trained on you. He stood with his arms folded beneath his robes in front of him, hood pulled over his ginger hair.
“Thank you for your kind words, Master Yoda. Although, I’m afraid I did not live to my Master’s expectations in the end. I-” you stopped suddenly when Master Yoda raised his hand to silence you. Obi-Wan spoke then, with care,
“Rest for the night, y/n. In the morning, come to the High Council’s chambers and we will discuss further.”
Master Yoda nodded, large eyes peering at your face. For some reason, the old Jedi’s gaze had always made you feel exposed. As if, in all his years of wisdom and training, he had found a way to read another’s mind. You nodded and bowed to the Jedi Masters.
“Yes, Master Kenobi,” you tried to speak evenly, to hide your welling emotions. “Thank you again, Master Yoda. I will see you both in the morning.”
“You are dismissed, Padawan.” Yoda spoke.
You turned away quickly, glancing one last time at the smoldering ashes of your former Master, redness swelling in your cheeks. You could feel Obi-Wan’s gaze trained on you as you rushed away from the funeral pyre and into the cool night air of Coruscant. Faintly, you thought you heard,
“A good idea, you think this is, Master Kenobi?” Yoda questioned.
Your feet carried you away from his answer and any explanation.
***********
The cool air stung your eyes, sore legs carrying you briskly through the courtyard and away from the temple. Anything to be away from the temple. The night bustled around you in typical Coruscant fashion. Speeders rippled through the sky with a steady thrum and crowds of every race lazed through the pathways. You pulled your hood down from your face, not wanting to gather any more attention than a Jedi usually does in the vast city. Hearty food scents drifted through the breeze and your stomach rumbled. Eating seemed like a bad idea tonight, you thought. It’s not like you could stomach much with the weight of your Master’s death filling every crevice it could find in your body. Shame ate away at your brain again as you leaned against a guard rail.
“Y/n!” a feminine voice called out.
You turned to see Ahsoka Tano, Padawan of Anakin Skywalker, jogging towards you. Her smooth orange-brown skin shining in the city lights. You tried to muster a smile. The Togruta girl had been an off and on again friend of yours since you came to the temple as a youngling. She was gone a lot nowadays, with Masters Skywalker and Kenobi, saving the galaxy. A bit of jealousy had plagued you in your youth for the girl. She was so arrogant and overconfident, lacking the humble mentality drilled into you. When you had asked Master Silo for permission to spar with her, the Jedi Master saw your intentions immediately. He told you that the Jedi could not afford to fight amongst themselves. Rank, titles, and boasting meant nothing when your life was on the line. You had nodded, mulling over his words for days.
“Ahsoka,” you did your best to speak calmly, as Master Silo taught you when your emotions were high. “It's a pleasure to see you. How is Master Skywalker?”
“Bossy as usual.” She smiled sympathetically as she leaned against the rail next to you, her lekku shrugging with her shoulders.
“What are you doing, out here, all alone in the city? I thought you would be tending to Master Silo’s things.” She asked casually.
A pang struck your heart as you remembered you would have to sort through your former Master’s possessions. “I- needed some air. Master Silo always hated large cities, but I thought, I thought maybe he would be happy to see me try to embrace it, a symbol of resilience.”
Ahsoka nodded, looking out across the airway. “Maybe, you would feel better with some company tonight? Master Skywalker is off doing who knows what without me.” She threw her hands in the air in feigned exasperation.
You managed a smile, but grief curled the corners of your mouth down. “I think I'd like to be alone tonight Ahsoka. Thank you.”
Understanding, your fellow Padawan nodded. “If you need anything, y/n, please reach out. I’m here for you.” Her delicate hand held your shoulder for just a moment before she turned away and melted into the passing crowd. You stood at the rail a while more, letting your mind go blank.
Obi-Wan. The thought grew wildly in your mind. You found yourself wishing it had been him who had come to comfort you. You imagined his striking grey-blue eyes flickering with the white light and constant movement of Coruscant. You thought his well-groomed hair and beard would be a beautiful pop of color in the monochromatic landscape. His short chuckle would bounce off the tall buildings at a simple jest you would make. Maybe he would take you to a cantina to distract you for the night. Or maybe he would offer to simply walk you back to you and Master Silo’s shared room. You shook the thought from your head. No, Obi-Wan would not come to save you this time. The walk back to the temple was cold.
***********
You woke early in the morning and rubbed the crust from your eyelids. The night had been tearful and fitful. You raised yourself from the hard bed and looked around the disheveled room. It looked like a slightly more furnished sleeping area on a ship; grey walls, grey floors, grey beds. Master Silo had insisted you two shared a room with the worst beds in the temple. He said it kept you both strong and resistant to the comforts of city life. In a fit of passion one night on a molten planet, he lamented that the Jedi had become soft in their temples, in their role as peacekeepers. You had learned to thank him for denying you modern comforts. It had made the many nights of sleeping outside on missions much easier.
Master Silo did not own many things. He had two pairs of robes that were much too big for you and several of the silver hair bands he admired. You had once asked him why he wore them, in the same conversation you had about the tattoos adorning his face. He had laughed heartily and given a simple answer, vanity. You pulled one from the box, turning the silver cylinder in your hand before fitting it into your padawan braid. Luckily, you hadn’t been asked to cut your hair like the male padawans. Although, Master Silo had insisted it would make you look less feminine and therefore, less troublesome. It felt right to have a part of Master Silo with you. A tiny bit of courage. You pushed your hair over your right shoulder, making sure the banded braid was visible. You had no mirrors in your room together, so you hoped it looked okay. It was time to meet with the High Council.
Several minutes later, you stood before the full Jedi High Council, dressed in a brown tunic and matching pants. Master Silo had insisted you wear tan to blend in with the rocky surroundings you typically found yourselves in. He had taught you much about concealing yourself, hiding away from prying eyes and predators. You figured the brown would help you blend in with the simple garments of the room, shrinking away from the peering gaze of the council members. The room shone in the bright sunlight of the morning. Long silk curtains swayed in the cool morning breeze. You took a deep breath, relishing the renewal you felt in the morning sun. In the corner of your eye, you caught the golden glitter of Obi-Wan’s hair. The atmosphere here was smooth, calm, and reminiscent of the Masters before you. You stood still in the middle of the floor, arms folded into the depths of your robes.
“Padawan Y/n. We are deeply saddened by Master Silo’s death. He was truly a great Jedi.” Master Windu spoke regally. He sat to the left of Master Yoda, legs crossed and fingers pointed together. You nodded, not sure of what to say or when it was appropriate to speak.
He continued, “We have called you here today to discuss the continuation of your training.”
Master Plo Koon spoke now, his breath coming raspily from the ornate mask he always wore. “It is to our understanding Master Silo did not think you were ready to undertake the Trials of Knighthood.”
“A great attachment, you hold, young Padawan,” Master Yoda spoke passionately. “From the time Master Silo took you, we knew. Attachment breeds jealousy, fear, and loss. Continue training, I believed you should not. Convinced otherwise, I was.” He glanced towards Obi-Wan, who sat next to him garbed in his favored tan robes.
A thread of despair weaved through your heart. The High Council had sensed your attachment. In fact, they had known all along. Was that why Master Silo had agreed to train you? And for that, Master Yoda thought you should have been expelled from the Jedi Order. Did they know who your attachment was to? You thought maybe not since Obi-Wan was the one who seemed to have convinced them to continue your training. You took a measured breath.
“Master Kenobi has agreed to train you.” Your eyes widened in disbelief. You quickly composed yourself, afraid they had seen your reaction. “While he is a General, fighting in the war, your skills on the battlefield are not to be ignored. Master Skywalker, along with Padawan Tano, have also voiced their support in this decision.” Master Windu spoke sternly.
You tried hard to suppress the surprise rising in you. Your eyes flickered to Obi-Wan quickly, catching the amused expression on his face, then back to Master Windu. Why did it have to be him? Why, of all Jedi in existence, did the one that caused so many problems have to agree to train you. Master Kenobi was a Jedi of incredible talent and perception. You didn’t doubt he would see your true feelings the moment you looked him in the eye. However, you couldn’t help the smile that crept across your cheeks and into your eyes. You would finally be close to him, helping him, fighting by his side. You could finally repay him.
“That- is most gracious of you, Master Kenobi. Your faith means greatly to me. I will do my best to honor you and my Master before me.” You finally spoke, bowing.
The council members nodded in approval. Obi-Wan stood and walked towards you. Your heart fluttered as he neared, it had been so long since you had been this close to him. A subtle, yet soothing scent wafted from him. You thought his handsome face looked pleased as he stood beside you, facing the council. You hadn’t noticed how similar in height Obi-Wan was to you until that moment. Although you stood a few inches shorter than him, the thought brought a small smile to your face.
“I will do my best to train young y/n.” He rolled on his feet a bit as he spoke.
Was he really so pleased, you thought. Obi-Wan had hardly known you since you came to the temple. Even when he was a padawan as well, Master Silo avoided Master Qui-Gon Jinn like a plague. You held your breath as the council dismissed you, eager to hear the orders of your new Master. Obi-Wan turned around on his heel and walked through the doors leading out of the meeting hall. You stumbled to follow him and keep up with his measured steps. You stayed just behind him, to his right, trying to keep your eyes trained straight ahead of you, to act like a Jedi, a padawan worthy of being Master Kenobi’s apprentice.
But you couldn’t help it. You glanced over the back of his head, marveling at how well he combed his thick ginger hair. His beard was thick as well and looked coarse, but well-kept. You wondered to yourself if he did this all himself, or if someone or something helped him. Feeling your gaze, Obi-Wan gave you a backward glance, a charming smile on his lips that raised the edges of his mustache ever so slightly. You smiled back instantly but quickly calmed your expression. That was the word for Obi-Wan Kenobi. Charming.
You would have to keep yourself in check. You needed to act as though Obi-Wan was no different from Master Silo. You would have to keep your voice and expressions guarded. Think before you react. There was no room to mess up here. It would mean your expulsion from the Jedi Order, marking you as an outcast for life.
“I do not intend to replace Master Silo, y/n,” he spoke quietly as you continued to walk together. “His training and expertise is valuable and something I simply do not possess. Do not be afraid to show me what you have learned.” He smiled again.
You nodded. Pride swelled inside you, you would show Obi-Wan that you had the potential to be a great Jedi. You should show him your prowess and skills. You would show him... the thought trailed off as Master Silo’s warning echoed through your mind. Shaking it away you asked,
“What will we do now, Master Kenobi?”
He glanced at you before acknowledging two passersby. “We are heading to Ilum. For some Master- Padawan bonding time!” He sounded quite pleased with himself.
Your cheeks flared red. Oh, Maker. You were going to be alone with him?! You couldn’t believe this. You were going to Ilum at that! The distant icy planet was strong in its connection to the Force. He would find out your feelings for sure. You silently cursed the powers that be for putting such a great test on you so suddenly. Obi-Wan spoke again,
“The information you brought back was incredibly helpful. The war does not need us for some time. Besides, Ilum is known for its powerful premonitions. Perhaps, Master Silo will reach out to grant you some healing.”
You nodded once more, unsure, again, of what to say. Healing? Is that what you needed? You thought back. Obi-Wan’s Master had died to the Sith Lord Darth Maul. Obi-Wan was then immediately granted the title of Jedi Knight and took Anakin Skywalker as a padawan. Everything was changed so quickly for him. He hadn’t time to properly mourn his own Master. Things were changing for you too. You hadn’t expected to confront your feelings for Obi-Wan so soon. But, goodness on Naboo, his voice was so soothing. The smooth baritone caused heat to rise in your core. You glanced away, hoping Obi-Wan could not see the look on your face.
********
You returned to your room, dazed. Obi-Wan had instructed you to spend the day getting ready for tomorrow’s trip to Ilum and finishing caring for Master Silo’s things. You had already sent for a droid to come for Master Silo’s things and your snow gear was neatly tucked where it always was the room. Preparedness was practically your middle name by the time you had reached the age of 12. You sat on the hard bed, gazing up at the single light that adorned the room. The air was stiff and hung heavily with memories of Master Silo. Listening to his heavy breathing late at night, watching the long, dark locks sway across his back as he packed a bag for yet another mission. You pulled off your shoes and cloak, letting yourself relax into the silence. You thought again of Obi-Wan, imagining what he might say to you tomorrow when your feelings were inevitably revealed. Surely he would reject you. You sighed and pushed the thought out of your mind, running your hand over the silver band in your hair. There was no use in worrying about it. What would be, would be. You collapsed back into your bed, head colliding with the pillow.
Instead, you thought about what you always do when you finally have a moment of privacy, to calm your nerves. Obi-Wan’s strong hands gliding across your body, caressing you gently as your lips collided. You imagined his lips to be strong and warm, that his beard and mustache would scratch your face. You let your hand wander down to your core, teasing your clit gently as that familiar heat rose inside you. You imagined his voice, commanding you to lay down while he pulled your clothing off before removing his own. Your fingers quickened at your clit as you imagined his body. His lean muscles flexing, working together to bring you close to him as he positioned himself in front of you, teasing your entrance. You gasped, release building as you imagined the sensation, the tip of his cock sliding over your slick entrance, asking you if you wanted him inside you.
“Yes,” you breathed aloud. “Yes, Obi-Wan, please.” Your fingers quickening.
Your orgasm washed over you as you imagined Obi-Wan smirking as he slid his thick cock inside you, imagining him groaning as he finally took you. You moaned a little louder than you would have liked, riding the pleasure and replaying the scenario over in your head. You lay there for a moment, hand still at your clit, debating on if you wanted to imagine your new Master some more. A knock at the door startled you out of your daydreaming, you stood quickly, praying that whoever was at the door at this hour was inhuman. To your luck, a delivery droid greeted you. You handed him the box of Master Silo’s things, glancing over the remaining silver bands one last time. You took another and placed it on Master Silo’s old bed, directly across from yours. The droid thanked you and left. You breathed a sigh of relief and debated on how to pass the time away until the next morning.