Archive of Our Own

"She's not answering."

The metal on her wrists burned. Orange uniform sticking to her skin despite the cold confines of the room she was in, a dropping four degrees outside. The two adult men burned their gazes into hers, growing intense by the minute.

"Were you under any toxic influence?"

The answer rolled around her tongue. Fear capsized her quickly than what was normal, oh and how badly she wanted to break down. Tears ghosted around her lashes. Pulse quickening rapidly, she opened her mouth to speak.

No answer.

It was battle within her conscience. Ghosting carefully at the border of choices she didn't even want for herself to begin with. Beads of sweat collected on her forehead, the only sounds she could collect being those of white noises ringing endlessly inside her head. Her mouth grew dry.

"This is not working," one of the men sighed. "Take her away. For today atleast."

She doesn't remember much other than the fact that she blacked out out of exhaustion on the way to the detention centre.

*

-2 years ago-

"Are we even allowed here?"

Wonyoung hiked up the wall with ease and landed a hand down to the otherwise struggling girl. Yujin slipped thrice before setting foot on the wide edge of the wall and sitting down beside Wonyoung.

"Don't worry, nobody cares," the younger girl responded before pulling out a Pringles can from her bag. Yujin dusted off her sun dress beside her, she wasn't supposed to wear it out before church next sunday but it was Wonyoung so.

Popping open the lid, the younger girl pulled out a vodka bottle from inside the can. Protection just in case, she had said. Taking a quick swig, she motioned towards Yujin, "It's still good."

"Are you sure? I mean, we're both still minors and-"

"Just one swig. It's okay if you don't like it," Wonyoung replied cooly before pulling out a vape from her jacket.

"Okay......" Yujin looke unsure. She glanced at Wonyoung who only took a long puff out of the thing she was holding. One swig won't hurt, right?

Oh, it hurt. It hurt like a bitch. The liquid burned her pipes down to her guts, like her organs were actually in fire but with her whole body included. She gagged at the horrible sensation.

"Not very tolerable, are we?" Wonyoung took the bottle from her hands and instead chugged down one third of its contents, wordlessly handing her a mint gum afterwards.

"Thank you," Yujin mumbled, blood rushing to her face.

"I wasn't going to vape and drink at the same time but since we're here...." Yujin chewed her gum quietly.

It was the abandoned place again. Watching the sky fade away into darkness on the wall of some unused warehouse in the suburbs with of course, Wonyoung by her side. It had been going on for quite a while for Yujin's memory to implant it all inside her head. Wonyoung gets high next to her, and she watches. The prettiest girl in the world losing her consciousness to what would otherwise be considered horrible vices by the normal kind but nevertheless fascinating to Yujin's curiousity. Attractive, even.

Here's the thing. Yujin had met Wonyoung behind the church she was attending, the younger girl clad in black and rings of marijuana surrounding her, cigarette between her fingers and everything. Nothing had seemed out of the ordinary, until Yujin had been instructed by Father Bang to talk to her since she was always outside and Wonyoung, the charming little shit that she was went on to entrance the older girl into an unasked friendship. Now that Yujin thinks of it, it had meant much more than she would've ever asked for. 

"Whatchu staring at?" Wonyoung snapped her fingers in front of her face. 

"Nothing," Yujin cleared, despite the blood rushing to her ears. Because it was always better that way.

Wonyoung stared for a brief second before going back to her vape. Yujin admired the rings of white she let out puff after puff, her prefect little lips wrapping around the device in a skilled manner. She let herself stare a little too longer than what was necessary.

Yujin never knew what exactly she was admiring. 

"Wanna try?" 

Yujin shook her head. The last time she did, she ended up coughing her lungs out until Wonyoung had to physically beat the fuck out of her back to get the smoke out her pipes (she still suspects Wonyoung made up the whole procedure). It was embarassing, atleast in front of this attractive ass vaping champion. Yujin had learnt to set limits for her vices since then. 

Wonyoung smirked and mumbled something along the lines of "church girls" before giving out another puff of white. Yujin marveled internally. 

There was something so pretty about Wonyoung indulging into these bad things. It was like watching a fish in water, the metaphor itself awfully underwhelming Wonyoung's actual personality. 

"Don't you ever get concerned about your health?" 

The younger girl smiled a little looking into the sunset. Yujin noticed the emptiness behind her eyes. 

"Not really." She didn't respond further. 

Wonyoung was an enigma. And Yujin was intrigued. An empty canvas waiting to be painted with colors, eager edges all along its sides, with a desperate desire to be happy. 

Sadly, no one had cared enough to dig deeper for that Wonyoung yet. Barely even scratched the surface. Yujin herself, included. 

She wondered if she meant anything to Wonyoung. 

"Do you wanna go to the arcade?"

Yujin looked briefly at their hands laying side by side. "No, thanks. I have curfew."

"On a Sunday?"

"You know how it is."

Wonyoung shrugged. "When you're free, then."

Yujin retreated her hand at the end. 

*

"Back straight, Yujin."

The said girl sprung from her slouched position. She had been having other thoughts, quite frankly forgetting that she was with her family at the moment.

"And where have you been all evening?"

"Studying at Jiheon's," the words tumbled out her mouth faster than she would've liked. 

"Finals season, eh?" Yujin could recognise the grufness in that voice at any point and in every single one of them, find herself flinching. Big military types, ones that groomed their children to be like them, and when repulsed or rebelled against, sought extreme means.

Yujin grew up with strict standards.

"Yes," she simply responded. His rifle stood tall as ever in its case behind them.

"Better do well," was all he said without a trace of meaning. His wife never spoke.

"I will."

It was quiet inside her room. Yujin bit the skin under her nails in anxiety, had any of her parents barged in. The line continued ringing in her hands.

"Come on," she mumbled.

"Hello? Yujin?"

"Heeyeon, hey," she replied in a hushed tone.

"I called you earlier, you know."

"I saw, sorry I was out with my friend." Maybe she might've muted her phone on purpose so she could give all her attention to Wonyoung but you didn't hear that from her.

"It's okay, I just wanted to ask if you wanna come over for the holidays."

"Oh." Yujin picked on her skin again. "I'll try, I might have to ask Dad first."

Heeyeon paused momentarily. Yujin knew what that meant, every single time they were in a call. A tiny part of her burned in guilt.

"It fine you know, if you're gonna go through that much trouble," the other woman replied quietly.

Little snippets of last summer revisited her mind little by little. The screams, furnitures being thrown about and most importantly, Heeyeon removing all traces of her from their lives. Yujin still remembers her sad smile before driving away and it was all she could think about for a while.

It wasn't easy, but Yujin coped.

"No, no...." I should've done something. "I'll come over, really. I promise."

"For real?" Heeyeon sounded happy.

"I promised." The knot in her stomach grew tighter.

She heard Heeyeon smile from the other end. "I'll be waiting then."

"Mhm."

"Take care, little soldier."

"You too."

If talking to Heeyeon was a burning guilt hell, Yujin's ass was definitely in hot lava. Maybe she loved her sister too much or maybe she cared about what her parents thought to an unbelievable degree (Yujin struggles to feel which one weighted more) it was always her, hers to choose which side she was on no matter how much she loved them both.

Heeyeon was gay. And what conservative Korean Christian household would do about that fact other than shun their daughter into choosing between her own family and her sexuality? In the end, Heeyeon chose none and instead left to live her life at her own cost. Their parents never cared enough either. Yujin saw her twice over the following year until they started keeping track of their visits and the rest had been through secret phone calls.

Yujin didn't know a lot about gay people but she never found herself particularly caring either. She believed it wasn't that much of a big deal her parents made when Heeyeon came out. Not that she would ever admit it out loud. She was too scared for that.

"Yujin? Are you still awake?" came her mother's voice through the door.

She scrambled to keep away her phone and slide under covers. "Just looking at some school papers, be done in a few."

"It's late, go to sleep."

"Good night." She turned off the lamp and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning was hectic. Yujin ran down to the front door with yet another sundress (her parents made sure they had a dess code for church), her favourite blue one, with the polka dots and ribbons. Maybe Wonyoung would notice at some point.

The ride to the church was a series of country songs from the 70s (her dad listened to those a lot in the military) and half a sandwich later, Yujin walked to the main hall with her parents. She craned her neck to get a glimpse of a taller girl lurking about in the back yard but to no avail.

Maybe it's too early.

Sitting down, she opened her phone to text her. But before she could ask, her mother tapped her wrist. "It's starting soon," she hushed.

Yujin had no choice but to obey. She waved and said a little 'hi' to Jiheon and her family who had settled down next to them. The rest was blurry mix of prayers and hymns.

"Our father who arth in heaven....."

"You're so tall and for what."

"Just put the goddamn band on my head already."

".......on earth as it is in heaven....."

"Look, I'm trying, you're just tall and very fidgety."

"Maybe if you sat on my lap instead."

"........as we forgive......"

Yujin coughed a little. She peeked to see if anyone saw her. Thankfully, everyone had their eyes closed, even Jiheon who would occasionally pinch her waist for fun. 

Forgive me, Jesus.

Mass ended way quicker than she would've thought. Everything was a haze that day and Yujin could barely hold herself down from excitement.

"Where are you going?" Jiheon asked.

"You go ahead, I'll go say hi to a friend."

"You have friends that are not me??" Jiheon fake gasped.

"Very funny." Yujin rolled her eyes. "Anyways, see you later!"

"Don't forget to text me."

"I won't!" Yujin barely gave an answer before rushing to the back yard. She looked over the row of benches where Wonyoung usually hung around. She wasn't there. Running over to the verandahs, Yujin checked again. Maybe she was smoking a blunt or two. Wonyoung wasn't there either.

A little dejected by then, Yujin decided to call her. It went straight to voicemail. She started to grow a little worried, considering how Wonyoung would usually spend her mornings in the said yard with her after mass.

"Yujin!"

"Coming!"

She left reluctantly. Bummed out, she was quiet all the way back home. When asked where she had disappeared into, she simply replied, "Just went to say hi to Father Bang."

Somewhere deep within, Wonyoung was converting her into something Yujin didn't recognise.

*

Wonyoung didn't show up for another week. Little by little, Yujin grew worried. The younger girl barely even opened her texts. She continued going to church with her parents, though and in every single one of them look for Wonyoung in the yard.

She never showed. Until the following week.

Loud banging sounds came from her porch door. Yujin was hesitant at first, because whoever the fuck was trying to break in at 1 in the morning by knocking on her window was either an asshole with an agenda or just a plain dumbass. She got out of her bed and approached the window slowly, nerves biting dull at the back of her hands.

"Pssst, Yujin."

The said girl almost collapsed on her knees. "Wonyoung?"

She opened the window quickly to find Wonyoung barely hanging by the pipes. "Are you gonna pull me in or just let me break a rib?"

"Sorry." She landed a hand, Wonyoung easily hopping in with a little jump over the sill. Yujin figured it was from experience.

"It's late, what are you doing here?" She hissed. 

"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me." Wonyoung dusted off her jeans.

"Where have you been all week?" Yujin nervously glanced towards the door, had any of her parents heard their conversation.

"One question at a time, princess." She could barely see Wonyoung in the scarce lighting of her room, her little face illuminated by the streetlights down the streets and god forbid, Yujin swore she was the prettiest girl in the world.

There was something about Wonyoung's ragged personality, Yujin thought it gave her an attractive edge.

You didn't hear that from her, though.

"Get dressed, we're going somewhere." Yujin knew Wonyoung was dodging her question but she didn't push it either.

"This late?"

"It's the best when it's late." The younger girl gave her one of her charming little grins. Oh Wonyoung, you little piece of shit.

"I can't, my parents won't let me." 

"What they don't see, they don't know." Yujin could see she was awfully bent on convincing her.

"I don't know....." She bit her lips, she'd never been out home past 10.  Her parents wouldn't permit her anyway.

"It's gonna be worth it, I promise."

Yujin had a lot of principles in life, she had been groomed surrounded by the Catholic influence anyway so it was natural she had had an upright living.

But all of that crumbled to her knees in front of Wonyoung. It didn't matter, she was going to choose Wonyoung over anything anyway. Subconsciously, or not.

Yujin was going to hell.

"Okay," she gave in. "Give me a minute."

She pulled out her the prettiest tee and jeans she could find along with the navy blue hoodie Jiheon gave her for her birthday. She placed them on her bed and saw Wonyoung staring.

"Turn around?"

"Sure."

Yujin felt a little blood rush on on her face. Fucking Wonyoung effect.

"Are you done?" Yujin saw the younger girl play with her fingers.

"Almost." She slid into her hoodie last. "I'm done."

Wonyoung turned around and gave her the softest smile yet. She reached out a hand for her to grab.

"Shall we?"

Yujin was a ride or die if it was Wonyoung. 

No matter if that made her a pitiful little simp from church.

That's how she ended up skateboarding all the way to the bank of the Hangang river (Yujin can't skateboard for shit but thank god Wonyoung was a patient instructor). They stopped just over the bridge.

The night air nipped on her skin, the river making it even more cold than it usually was. She hugged her hoodie together in an attempt to create friction within her body.

"Cold?" Wonyoung asked.

"A little." Yujin was gonna fucking die of river air.

"Here." Wonyoung handed over her jacket. Yujin panicked internally. "No, no, no, it's fine. It's not that cold-"

"Just shut up and wear the jacket, your knees are buckling."

The older girl gave in in embarrassment. Wonyoung's jacket felt warm like her, Yujin noticing the subtle scent of strawberry bubblegum and smoke right away. It was a perfect fit.

"It's here, look up," Wonyoung exclaimed.

She did as she was told and saw fireworks go off in the sky. The strips of light filtering through the dull air of Seoul as it painted the midnight sky with diamonds of happiness. Yujin gaped.

"Woah."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it." Something in her heart clenched so fondly at the idea of Wonyoung waking her up in the middle of the night to watch these fireworks with her. "Thank you, Wonyo. It's beautiful."

"It's the holiday season so I thought I would bring you out for something but I didn't know how so....," Wonyoung's words died away as another festival of fireworks went off in the distance. 

And it looked so pretty Yujin thought she would've cried on the spot. She glanced over to the other girl who was staring up to the sky with a smile and god, Wonyoung was beautiful. It set off all the fireworks in her heart, literally, its boom louder than anything her conscience has ever spoken, and Yujin was smitten. 

She thinks she might be in love that instant. 

*

"Up already?"

"Morning, mom," Yujin mumbled as she dragged herself to the table. Her father read the paper quietly at the other end.

"Miss Lee called, you know," her mother began as she sat down next to her.

"Mhm." Yujin could barely pay attention because of the sleep deprivation. Wonyoung brought her home at 4 in the morning (after she dragged her to a bowling alley, of course) and she had only begun dozing off when her mother called her for breakfast downstairs.

"Your grades are slipping, Yujin. She said you've been skipping classes." 

Yujin bit her lips. She knew it would eventually reach her parents at some point, because who was she kidding? She skipped 3 calculus class in a row over a single week because she was "hanging out with Wonyoung".

She just didn't expect today of all days.

"You've been distracted lately and you're never home after church. What's wrong, sweetie?" Her mother asked in concern.

"I'm just busy with youth club meetings, that's all." Yujin scrambled to come up with convincing lies. She had never been a good liar, so as she was told and it was times like these when Yujin wished she was raised up in a different way.

"Why would a youth club hold meetings at midnight?" Her father spoke up.

Blood instantly stopped flowing in her veins. Yujin swallowed in fear, she could fool anyone, anyone else but her father. And if he knew anything about what she's been upto lately, she was never going to see the light of day again.

"I don't know what's you're talking about." She chose to be ignorant.

Bad move, Yujin.

Her father slammed his fist on the table. "I know what you've been upto all this time, you little piece of shit. Sneaking out with that GOD FORSAKEN CHILD at night, did you really think you could fool me?" 

Yujin shriveled in fear. Her father had stood up by then, his broad silhouette towering over her quivering form. 

"Please calm down and let's talk this out," her mother tried to calm him down.

"You shut the fuck up, you can't even keep track of your fucking daughter." He pointed angrily. "And you, you're hanging out with lesbians now? Are you a lesbian or something?"

Yujin couldn't answer right away. It was the anxiety, that plunged deep into her throat at his words. An irrational fear grappled with her inside at the mention of the L word.

"So it is true, you hadn't been upto good." Her father 

"I didn't raise you up to be like this, Ahn Yujin." It was that tone of disappointment that Yujin feared all her life for. "For lord's sake, a lesbian? You might as well fucking die than to live that way. I can't believe my own child would go over me like this."

"I'm-I'm sorry-"

He grabbed her by her collar suddenly. "If I ever see you going around with her again, I'm going to kick you out of my fucking house and make sure you never live a good life again, you understand me?"

Tears prickled in her eyes, fear paralyzing her body as she nodded yes to the man. Her mother pulled him away after that. 

Yujin broke down instantly. Maybe it was the crippling effects of the fear or maybe the looming gloom in her heart that she was virtually saying goodbye to the girl she was so smitten by, it was far too thin a line to differentiate. She couldn't hear anything else from her parents' conversation over her sobs.

The last one being the sound of her father dialing up Father Yang on the phone before she ran up the stairs to her room.

*

Nothing felt the same after that. 

All she could make out of her life now was a series of hours spent with the counseller at the conversion camp and the numerous nights spent crying herself to sleep.

Yujin felt like shit. 

Her parents were all over her 24/7 and made sure to never let her out of their sight. Conversion camp, despite its upopularity and legal debates, soon followed after. It sucked ass, for the lack of a better word. Yujin couldn't even count the number of times her parents had shoved her into confession during the past week.

It was horrible, all of it.

Wonyoung was almost a distant memory at this point, after getting her phone confiscated and tracked over by her parents for almost everyday of the week, making contact with her was an impossible task at this point. Yujin wondered everyday if the younger girl ever thought of her.

"Have you been committing any form of deed that you feel is a sin to the lord's eyes?" Father Yang asked.

Yujin wanted to run away.

"No," she answered instead. She just wanted to get it all over with. 

"Are you sure of your answer?"

The brief silence that followed drilled into her head like a big question mark. Yujin felt like she was losing herself in the little stall where she was seated, the session itself being one of the worst she'd to gone through in her life.

"Yes."

The Lord looks against He who weaves lies. 

"That's all for today, my child." Father Yang concluded the session. "You're free to go now."

Yujin mumbled a quick thank you before walking out the hell that was church. If anyone told her her faith would've cost her this much 3 months ago, Yujin probably wouldn't have believed it. 

"Had fun today?" Her mother asked as she entered the car.

It's a conversion camp, mom.

Yujin, of course would very much perish than to go against her parents' words. Especially her father's. Or so she was taught. 

Which was part of the reason why she never learnt to stand up for herself. 

"Yeah," she lied instead. Lately, all she's been doing was lie to everyone.

"Very good, then." 

Home was no longer a safe place anymore. Yujin felt naked inside the four walls of her own room, the surveillance camera at the far corner of the ceiling staring down at her. 

Nothing felt the same anymore.

Suddenly, she felt wetness on her cheeks, rolling down to her chin before she wiped it off with the back of her hand. 

If converting and changing herself was supposed to make her and the Lord happy, why did she feel so miserable?

Tears continued pouring out her lashes, little sobs ringing throughout her room by now. It hurt, confused her, plucked the air out of her lungs. Nothing felt sure or right any longer. The loneliness nipped on her harder than ever before and all she could feel was that, no one was going to love her for who she was. 

Yujin was fucking miserable. 

She looked up to where the camera stood tall and arrogant, as if mocking her frail state. Did her parents even know what she felt inside? Did the counsellors understand her enough to give advice at her own cost? 

Did anyone care at all?

The anxiety kicked in soon enough. Her fingers ached, the load in her chest feeling heavier than ever before as she suffered what seemed to be the biggest existential crisis she could ever go through in her life. 

She needed to breathe. 

Please breathe. 

Taking a deep breath, Yujin clenched and unclenched her fists. She waited for the air to return to her lungs as she pulled her knees to her chest.

Right after, she stood up to grab the chair from the table next to her bed. Standing up on it, she adjusted the camera angle just enough for it to be turned away from the window beside her bed. 

Then, changing from her sundress to a hoodie and plain jeans (lord knows how inefficient sundresses are in emergencies) and grabbed her bagpack from her table. 

Opening her window, she examined the height between her room and the yard below. Her room was at the 3rd floor which meant that the ground below was atleast a solid 8 feet away. Yujin temporarily wondered how Wonyoung managed to climb up with just the pipes and the window sills. 

Taking a deep breath, Yujin commenced her descend downwards, hands sweaty and shaking as they grabbed the pipeline with all that she had. The entirety of the descend was frightening, having never sneaked out without her parents' permission before. But Yujin was not going to lie, part of it felt liberating to rebel against authority. Thrilling, even. 

That was how she ended up running down the streets in full speed, a maniacal grin plastered across her face as she tasted freedom in what felt like years. 

And perhaps, she planned on never going back again. 

*

Her knuckles rapped on the wooden door. Breath short and adrenaline firing through her veins, Yujin felt a rush she had never felt before. Like she was finally breaking away from her shell that she was so desperate for. 

The door opened. Heeyeon looked at her in surprise. "Yujin? I thought you wouldn't be here until Friday."

The said girl grinned. "I made it early. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Heeyeon had a decent apartment with all necessities and furniture (that was how Yujin knew she was living well). She noticed the little renovations and shifts in furniture, maybe because she hadn't visited in while. 

"I thought you guys would be busy over Christmas season, you know, with the celebrations and everything." Yujin plopped down on her sister's couch. It was softer than the one back home.

"Actually, I ran away from home."

"You what?" Heeyeon turned her neck so quick Yujin was sure she might've suffered a whiplash.

"Yeah...." She didn't have much to say. See when she says rebellion isn't really her thing. "Long story short, I needed a break."

Heeyeon sat down next to her. She smiled understandingly. "Of course, we all do."

She patted her head softly. "Let's talk about it over dinner, shall we?" 

Maybe Yujin still loved her sister for a reason. 

Later during dinner, she never found herself holding back. Narrating everything from the horrible camp experiences, the restraints of being under her conservative parents' care and all above the rest, about having an existential crisis caused by her own faith, which a couple of years ago she would've never even imagined. 

"Good job running away, kid," was the first thing her sister told her as soon as she finished everything. 

Yujin felt like a huge load was lifted off her shoulders. 

"As for the girl you mentioned," Heeyeon gave her a knowing grin. "I think you might have a little crush on her."

Yujin grew pale and red. "I don't think that's it, Hee."

"It's exactly what it is because it is what it is." Her sister could mumble gibberish and it would all still make sense. "Look, I don't know if you're comfortable with labelling yourself yet but it's painfully obvious that you're not the straightest person around."

Major flashbacks to the many hours spent with the counsellors at camp. 

"If you like her, you like her. It's as easy as it gets." Heeyeon told her like it was the easiest thing in the world. 

"Take your time figuring things out, kid. I'll be here if you need anything." With that, her sister cleared the dishes and cleaned the table. 

Yujin spent the night on her sister's bed. And maybe she never found herself falling asleep either. 

*

"You sure you wanna do this?"

Yujin bit the skin under her nails. It had become a habit by then. 

"We don't have to do it, you know," Heeyeon replied cautiously. Her car parked just in front of the fancy uptown house that Yujin remembered Wonyoung identifying as her house. The memory felt like years ago.

"No, it's just...." She tapped her fingers nervously on her thigh. "I'm nervous."

Heeyeon grabbed her hand and rubbed it comfortingly. "You're gonna be okay, I promise. If it doesn't go well I'll talk to her."

"Thanks, but I wanna do this on my own." Yujin wondered if Wonyoung would still treat her the same after all this time. 

"Whatever you say." Heeyeon gave her a kiss on the forehead and look at her in the eye. 

"Remember, being gay is NOT a sin."

"Okay."

"Good luck, little soldier."

The few steps to the porch felt like years, the distance between them suddenly looking like a desert. Yujin swallowed before ringing the doorbell. 

This is it.

A young woman opened the door a while later. She didn't seem to be Wonyoung's mother or anything but neither a maid either because of the lavish bathrobe she sported. Yujin retreated a little out of intimidacy. 

"Can I help you?" The woman asked.

"I'm a friend," Yujin spluttered out. "Of Wonyoung's," she added. 

"Oh, is that so? Come on in." The woman opened the door for her to get in. As soon as she stepped in, Yujin marvelled at the interior of the house. 

Wonyoung never told her she was loaded as fuck. 

Suddenly, she grew small amongst the fancy air, her simple purple sundress and cardigan doing a little to avoid her from physically shrinking. 

"I'm so sorry but Wonyo is out with her friend right now, would you mind waiting?" 

Weird, because Wonyoung never allowed her to call her pet names.

Maybe the woman was someone close. "It's fine, I should probably leave," Yujin stuttered out already intimidated enough as she was. 

"Wait, I can't let my guest leave just like that," the woman stopped her. 

"No, it's alright I'll just shut up and leave now-" 

The woman smiled gently at her. Yujin realised she was almost a head shorter than her. 

"Come on," she said quietly and pulled her to the kitchen. 

Yujin felt like she was walking inside the Blue House's pantry because holy shit, the whole kitchen was some upscale technologically advanced 22th century shit. She felt like she would break something by simply breathing inside it.

She watched as the woman do...... whatever she was doing from the counter. Even her butt felt privileged sitting on the fancy stool. 

"I'm Jennie, by the way. Wonyoung's aunt." Thank god, Yujin was starting to wonder if she should call the woman "mother" because of course, she was raised in a Christian household and she has basic manners. 

Just not the appropriate ones.

"Oh, Yujin. Ahn Yujin, Wonyoung's, yeah." Maybe it was all the catholic schooling catching up.

"I've never heard her talk about you," Jennie began. "It's good though, that she's making new friends. Usually it's just Yuna and Hyejoo so it's a good change."

Yujin wanted to tell her she wasn't sure of what exactly they were but kept her mouth shut nonetheless. She had a lot going on at the moment anyway.

"How'd you guys meet?" Now Yujin just couldn't tell her that she saw Wonyoung doing crack behind a church and thought she was cool so she decided to talk to her so she simply settled with, "Through a mutual friend."

"I see." Jennie continued pouring something into a cup on the counter. Yujin belatedly realised it was actually tea. 

"Do you like milk tea?" 

"It's fine." Yujin felt a little antsy being so casual with the woman. For whatever reason.

"Here you go," Jennie handed a cup and sat down next to her. "So, what's Wonyoung usually like? I don't really get insights from Hyejoo since the girl might as well be a walking rock and Yuna only stares at my boobs whenever we talk."

"Uh..." Wonyoung would probably throw her into a lake if she told her aunt that she vapes everyday like a 56 year old with debt. "She's nice and friendly and pretty and....," Yujin scrambled to come up with adjectives.

"Uh huh?" Jennie urged her on.

".......very Wonyoung like." Maybe the catholic schooling never helped afterall.

"Okay." Thankful, Jennie didn't seem to notice the visibly awkward mess that she was. If she did, she never commented. "To be honest, you're too pretty to be one of Wonyoung's friends. No offence to Hyejoo and Yuna but Hyejoo is my goddaughter and Yuna is always grinning so you can't actually tell."

"Thank you?" Part of Yujin wondered if the woman picked up and adopted Wonyoung from the streets because if she was being honest, the genetic difference was starting to get suspicious.

"Anyways, what did you want to see Wonyoung for?"

Yujin bit the inside of her cheek. She just wasn't to going to say, 'Oh I'm in love with your niece but I still don't know if I'm gay or if it's just a phase but Wonyoung is hot anyways and I have to tell her,' could she?

She settled for "Nothing much, just school stuff."

"I see."

"As much as I'm loving this conversation right now," Yujin pretended to check the watch on the wrist (which she wasn't even wearing). "I have to go talk to Wonyoung now. Do you maybe know where she could be?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea, my dear." Jennie smiled apologitically.

"Oh, that's fine," she tried not to sound dejected. "I'll try her favorite spots."

"It was nice meeting you, Yujin. Come again." Jennie escorted her way out. 

"Thank you for the tea. I'll try." Yujin jogged to her sister's car after that.

"That was quick," Heeyeon remarked as soon as she got into the car. 

"Wonyoung's not home. Her aunt doens't know where she is either." She raked her brain for all her favorite spots. One specifically came to mind. 

"Let's try the docks."

The ride to the said place was nothing but a bundle of nerves and nauseating anxiety creeping around the throat for Yujin. Mentally, she had rehearsed her speech for the thousandth time with the mini Wonyoung inside her head. 

Physically? Well.

"I feel like if I poke you right now, you're gonna pee all over my seat."

"I will if you don't shut up."

"Careful, that's leather your ass is on." Heeyeon helped her out of the seatbelts. "Go do your thing, kid."

"Okay but if I come back crying, ice cream's automatically on you."

"Noted."

And thus, Yujin went off on her quest to find Wonyoung. Maybe it was the adrenaline or the nerves crawling beneath her skin, her steps bounced a little, quickly making her way to the place Wonyoung had brought her for the first time.

"You're the first one to know about this place, by the way."

"Am I that special now?"

"Sort of."

Rounding the last corner, Yujin practically jogged to the spot Wonyoung was supposedly in.

Sighting Wonyoung at the far end of the bank, Yujin waved and ran to her. "Wonyoung! Hey!"

It was funny because it took so little for Yujin's heart to pump its blood to every part of her being yet it also took equally less for it to stop beating altogether the next second.

Wonyoung was kissing another girl.

And it would all have been less of a joke had the imposing figure not turned around.

Yujin felt life leaving her body.

Jiheon looked surprised. "Yujin?"

Everything filtered out into the background like white noise, her heart beat ringing deaf in her ears like a sick tune as she numbly recieved Jiheon's hug. Wonyoung didn't show any signs of emotion.

"I thought you had mass today," Jiheon told her, all dimples and smiles. Yujin's heart broke into a million pieces.

"Yeah, I-I took a break," she barely managed to let out. 

Jiheon frowned at her answer and cupped her face. "You sure? Everything's fine at home, right?" 

The world seemed to spin before her. Words filtered in and out of her ears like meaningless noise. All was beginning to crash down on her.

"Yeah, fine- Everything's fine, I guess."

She wasn't going to cry. Not today. Not in front of Wonyoung.

"Tell me if anything's wrong, hm?" Oh, if only I could tell you.

"By the way, I heard you and Wonyoung know each other."

She clenched and unclenched her fists. Tears began to surge into her lashes like overwhelming waves, stifling emotions that had been bottled over the months of self doubt and identity crisis. 

"We're only acquaintances, met at church a couple of months back," Wonyoung spoke casually.

Bastard. The tight clench in her chest never left. It was all over, laying cold and still in front of her. 

Even before it had started.

"I have to go." She felt sick to her stomach. Wonyoung never smiled or showed any signs of emotion.

"Take care, alright? Call me if anything happens." Jiheon gave her a brief hug. It felt like a metal case squeezing her body, jolting throughout her nerves before setting eyes at Wonyoung.

Yujin let her tears fall. If Wonyoung saw them, she was unbothered.

That was the last time Yujin saw her.

Going back home, she had never felt more lost. Her parents gave her her own share of what was to be said (verbally though, it hurt hearing them). Heeyeon couldn't help her any longer even though she had promised immediate help in case anything possibly horrible happened.

"Yujin, I know you can't I help you if tell me what's wrong."

"Just take me home."

"Come on, you don't have to do this alone."

"Please take me home. I want to go home."

She refused to look at her sister's eyes, afraid she might get hurt more than she actually was.

"Okay."

Conversion camp was not even a feasible option at this point. Yujin felt empty everywhere she went, her faith being one of the prior reasons of her self doubt and misery. For the past 17 years of her life, she had grown up nurtured in the principles of the conservative Christian Communea, taught its rights and wrongs and not once, did she find herself questioning any of it. Or felt the need to.

Now, it was all a bunch of artificial rules and barriers she could no longer find herself obeying and indulging to, a flat out joke she couldn't even laugh at.

Which was the reason she broke down to her mother for the first time.

Her mom held her in her arms quietly, listening to her daughter's horrid sobs and let her tremble in her arms a little while more. Everything was so fucked up Yujin couldn't even have dreamt of coming to a point where the thing she believed and had faith in the most would kick her straight on the face and blow her off in the middle of the road.

And so she did what she did best. Blamed Wonyoung for all of it.

"I can't do this, Mom. Please don't send me there anymore." In her head, she knew exactly where she wanted to be. Or didn't want to be.

The lines were blurry.

Her mother gave her a little stroke on the head. "Okay, let's go to the church first thing in the morning."

A part of her felt relieved when Father Bang struck off her name off the camp participants the next day, part of her felt regretful because obviously, it was where her parents clearly wanted her to be. Her father never spoke to her throughout the process.

A week later, they sent her to the States to study.

She had a good life, she supposed, meeting new people, learning new languages and cultures and most importantly, focusing on getting over what had cost her everything in the first place.

Wonyoung was a distant memory once more, no goodbyes or thank yous to commemorate their time together, just radio silence from the both of them. Yujin decided to not dwell over it any longer.

It was a new life, a new beginning. One where she didn't need a girl to cause her any more pain.

"Thank god you finally decided to ditch your church fashion."

Heeyeon pushed over the bowl of eggs for her to beat. Yujin obeyed quietly. It was finally holiday seasons again and she enjoyed the luxury of taking a break from her new life back in the States to visit her kin over the season.

"I don't even go to church anymore," she mumbled.

"See when I told you it's all pointless." Heeyeon measured the syrup while making her statement. Yujin couldn't even remember the last time they baked together.

The year had been long especially with graduation and registering for college apps from all over the state that Yujin, very surprisingly, found herself thinking less of home and everything that had happened back there. She had no time to feel lonely, like clockwork it was all about school and planning for whatever awaited her in the future.

Eventually, the past had become blurry and faded.

"Shit, we don't have molasses."

"Have you checked the cabinets?"

"Yeah, I don't really make stuff at home so," Heeyeon replied rummaging through the cabinets. "Can you please go get some right now?"

"Are you serious? It's minus eight degrees outside." Yujin looked out the window to see the streets layered with snow. Great timing.

"Look, do you wanna eat this gingerbread shit or nah?" Heeyeon put her hands on her hips.

"You can still make it without the molasses, right?"

"Sure, like pizza without dough."

"I hate you."

"I'm literally feeding you and letting you stay the night and if that's the gratitude I get for being kind to a brat like you then I'm gonna kick your ass out to the street and I won't hesitate."

Yujin rolled her eyes so hard she thought her eyes must've fallen off somewhere at the back of her head. Heeyeon was nice when she wanted to but when she starts pulling her victim card, suddenly it was teenage Donald Trump reincarnated into her sister.

"Ugh, fine," she grumbled in annoyance. "How much do we need?"

"3 jars, maximum."

"You're kidding."

"Well you grew tall for a reason??" Heeyeon responded as a matter of factly.

Yujin rolled her eyes and prepared for her descend to winter hell.

She'd forgotten how cold Seoul could get in December, the pavement right outside Heeyeon's apartment layered in snow all the way to the horizon. Yujin wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck as she waddled down the street. 

Halfway down the first Street, she already felt the urge to pass away. The snow was pricking cold in her feet and her face felt on fire with cold. If a jar of molasses was going to take her life today, then so be it.

Her teeth chattered so much on the way to the grocery store Yujin felt like it grinded away into pieces at some point. Stepping into the store, she exhaled the warm air inside. 

Now, mission molasses.

The journey to the said aisle and back to cashier took no longer than 15 minutes, her casually grabbing a packet of jelly worms on the way back relieved to be finally going home to bitch at Heeyeon for sending her out in that weather.

The store still buzzed with people by the time she left, it was holiday season after all and Yujin couldn't wait to get back home to spend them with Heeyeon. She had told her parents she'd be staying over at a friend's and since she couldn't spend a lot of time with Heeyeon, she figured it was a perfect chance.

If she makes it back home alive, that is.

The snow was a fucking bitch. Yujin unfortunately had to be its victim today. The bag of molasses and jelly worms swung from side to side as she once more went about her waddle back home. Heeyeon, you dumb bitch.

And maybe it was karma for calling her sister who was supposedly the "kind" one in the situation, a body slammed into hers from behind making her tip over to the snow like the dumb bitch she was. The jars of molasses rolled out into the street as Yujin turned back to yell at whoever the fuck it was. But before she could do so, the figure had already picked themselves up from the ground and bolted off.

And maybe she should've believed in time lapse then.

Because just as the said figure looked behind briefly before rounding down the corner and although donned in a mask and a beanie, her eyes were as visible as day. And Yujin could recognise them anywhere. Her heart skilled a beat.

It had been a while since she thought of Wonyoung.

Yujin kneeled on the snow, numb and frozen as she waited for her to come to her senses. She couldn't even remember the last time she felt that way.

"You know, you got really pretty eyes."

"Is that how you get your girls?"

"No one gets girls like that, Yujin."

Wonyoung felt like a part of something that happened long back, a distant memory she no longer found nostalgia in, but then those eyes. Yujin wasn't sure any longer.

She never found herself sleeping.

*

"In 3 days? Why so quick?"

Yujin nibbled on her sandwich with the littlest amount of appetite possible for a breakfast. Maybe she shouldn't have drunk with Heeyeon last night.

"Yeah, you know college apps and everything so...." To be honest, she didn't even want to be in Seoul any longer.

"Well, yes but we don't get to spend a lot of time together and it's the holiday season so I was hoping you'd stay," her mother said quietly as she poured her orange juice. "And your father doesn't like to admit but he misses having you around too."

Yujin didn't know if she should believe that.

"Sorry, Mom," she genuinely felt apologetic towards her mother, though. The woman had been the reason she was able to break away and start a new life in a new place. "I got the tickets already."

Her mother sighed. "Alright, if that's what you want."

"I'll call you often, don't worry." Yujin gave her a sincere smile.

"Oh, I know you will," she gave her a pat on the head. "I forgot to tell you, by the way. Jiheon called yesterday."

Yujin perked up." Yeah?"

"I told her you were over at your friend's and she didn't have your new number so she asked me to tell you to call her back."

Maybe it was time Yujin brought a closure to things.

So there she was, standing nervously on the porch of Jiheon's place as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. She didn't even know why she was nervous, maybe because she hadn't seen or spoken to her best friend for so long or maybe it was the thing with Wonyoung, she wasn't even sure.

Jiheon opened the door as expected. "Hey, come on in."

Yujin felt a surge of nerves crawl under her skin as she sat down in the living room. Jiheon pushed a can of cranberry juice towards her. "You like cranberry juice, right?"

She didn't know if she should be touched. "Thanks."

"So, how's the States?" Jiheon shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"It's..... nice. The food can be really bad sometimes, though." Jiheon seemed to have lost weight, her signature brunette bob hair and bangs now brushed back into a navy blue colour fading into its roots. She looked even prettier, if that was even possible.

"How- How have you been?" God, she didn't even know why she was stuttering. 

"It's fine, I guess. Been busy with college apps and everything." Jiheon fiddled with her fingers. "It's been kind of lonely here without you."

"Yeah......" Yujin didn't know if that was the que for an apology.

"Oh and by the way, I'm moving to Hong Kong next week."

She turned her neck so quick she might as well suffered a whiplash. "Wait- next week?"

"Yeah, well my aunt lives there and my parents want me to move soon after New Year's." Both of them refused to show any form of reaction. "Yeah."

"Have fun there." Something held her back from saying what she wanted to (a lot of things, actually), her own words weighting down on her. And maybe she wouldn't want to admit, but what she felt towards her best friend for the past year might've possibly been a partial grudge on her part. 

And it wasn't even Jiheon's fault.

The walk back to her porch felt like rocks weighting down her shoulders every step this took. Unspoken apologies strung in the air, silence drifting between them two as Yujin constructed a proper goodbye in her head. She hadn't even imagined things would go this wrong between them.

"Listen, Jiheon?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For- For cutting you off and not even saying goodbye when I left and I just- I'm so sorry things turned out this way. I feel horrible." She sucked in her own breath. "What I'm saying is, since you're moving away next week and I didn't want things to be left like....this, I thought I owe you an apology. Just something to, you know, bring a closure to."

Yujin was genuinely distressed. "It's okay if things don't go back to the way they were. I just want you to know that I'm really very sorry."

Jiheon looked dumbfounded. The pause in between almost killed her, if that was even possible. Until Jiheon spoke. 

"You know I can never stay mad at you."

The hug that followed after almost made her cry. It was warm and welcoming and unlike anything she had felt over the past year. Yujin collapsed into her arms.

"Thank you," she mumbled. 

"Hey, what are best friends for, right?" Jiheon lightly knocked her head.

They hugged for a while, until Yujin spoke up. "Hey, Ji?"

"Hm?"

"I think I should tell you something more."

"Is this the part where you confess that you're a serial killer and you're actually here for my kidneys?"

"No, dumbass." She looked at her square in the eye. "Promise you won't make this weird or anything."

"Are we about to kiss right now?"

"Baek Jiheon I swear to god."

"Okay, fine," said girl rolled her eyes. "Shoot."

"I think the reason why I kind of- you know, cut you off was- don't take this the wrong way, maybe it was because of Wonyoung."

"Wonyoung? As in vaping Wonyoung?"

"Yeah, that one."

Jiheon shrugged. "Huh."

"Huh huh as in huh huh good or huh huh bad?"

"I don't really care, you know. Besides, it all makes sense now."

"What makes sense now?"

"We didn't work out, by the way. And we talked out stuff and said she something about being in love with this girl so I guess that was about it, yeah."

Drop thunder.

*

Yujin was going to pluck her head off.

It's currently 3 in the morning, she can't sleep and all she could think about were Jiheon's words and a certain lanky delinquent.

It's been two hours.

The streets outside her window were as as dead as the night, streetlights flickering over the snow and it all bit the innermost part of her temptation. As if 3AM was the most ideal time to be having a mental breakdown.

She tossed and turned about as the thought internally chewed its way through her conscience. No, she had already broken away from shit and moved away miles apart to start a new life.

All that because of some girl. Yujin was determined to stay away from spiralling.

But it was cold and it's been a long night for her and 3 hours later, she slithered down her window into the pipelines dressed in full winter gear for the snow.

Then, jogging down the street to the nearest bus stop, hopped on the quickest bus on the road.

Maybe she was insane, but it was only 3 days until she retreated to her normal life and maybe, she figured it wouldn't be too bad to be insane for one more day.

The church was all but a graveyard in the early hours of the morning. Everything was layered in snow, the big Christmas tree at the entrance twinkling out into the still dim streets. Yujin felt a soft rush of memory, she had spent a good 9 years in that place afterall and all its moments, both good and bad spent a brief second in her mind.

It had been a long year.

The backyard still felt as serene as ever, only difference now being the glistening snow and the Christmas decorations. She noticed the bench where she and Wonyoung would hang out after mass all those times ago, it looked empty and lonely in the frigidness just as her heart sat cold in her chest.

Everything was so quiet and empty Yujin didn't even know why she was there, all she remembered was a sunny day of the past where nothing could've gone wrong.

And oh, how things have gone wrong.

The chapel felt just as empty as she entered, light echoes of her footsteps ringing across the hall. The benches were all unoccupied, save for one at the far front where a woman was sitting (praying, she didn't know). 

If God was real and she believed and prayed and worshipped His name, divine omens were all but a fingertip away. And Yujin was rewarded with one, as she bumped her knee on one of the benches. 

The soft screech disturbed the silence of the hall, the stranger at the front turning back and locking eyes with her.

Yujin believed in God and his omens. 

Like a deer caught in headlights, Wonyoung stood up abruptly, eyes wide with surprise. It sent a shock wave down her body.

"Yujin?"

It sounded so good. Her names straight out of Wonyoung's tongue.

"Hi...."

"What are you doing here? Mass doesn't start until 8."

She remembers. "Yeah, well I'm not here for that."

"Right."

"Yeah."

Awkward silence drifted between them. Yujin fiddled with her fingers to come up with anything to say. "So, uh, how have you been?"

"Shitty, but still hanging there," Wonyoung replied casually. Yujin noticed she had lost even more weight since the last time she saw her. "Unlike your preppy self."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yujin replied, a little annoyed. 

"I don't know, it's just you've always been really uptight and always stuck up with the rules and everything so...."

"What does that have to with me doing great?" She was getting a little angry by then.

"I mean, you have parents who are willing to take care of you and you listened to them and disappeared over a year so it's obvious you're doing well."

She had forgotten how irky Wonyoung's whole personality was. "That doesn't make sense."

"Church girls don't get shit."

She balled her fists tight. A year over and the first thing Wonyoung chose was to pick fights with her completely unprovoked. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I think you should be asking yourself that question."

"Go to hell."

"I'm gay, I belong there."

Yujin kept her eyes on the Jesus crucifix at the altar and prayed she doesn't sock the girl to death today. 

"Wonyoung, it's been a year can we please not do this today?" 

"Oh so you can suddenly disappear without a trace and show up one day and play all best friend with me? Fuck off, Yujin. I'm tired of your bullshit."

The words sent a pang to her chest. Yujin never thought she would come to a point where she would be the one repenting on her faults and no one else.

But now that she was there, she didn't know how to feel.

All she felt was pain. Everywhere.

"Look, Wonyoung, I didn't mean to leave either-"

"If you genuinely didn't want to, you would've atleast said goodbye."

"Listen to me, please." Her voice quivered around the edges. "I was scared, okay? I felt things I felt like I shouldn't be feeling and it all just got into my head "

Wonyoung looked partly irked, partly annoyed. Yujin didn't let it deter her from saying what she should've said long back.

"Point is, I didn't even want to leave. But then, everything just- just escalated so quickly I couldn't even stop and look at myself and how I was doing. I wanted to say goodbye, Wonyoung, I really did, but it's just- it's complicated."

"Now you're just making up excuses."

"They're not excuses, Wonyoung. Can you please understand?"

"I'm pretty sure you don't expect me to." Wonyoung picked up her coat from the bench and prepared to leave. "See you around."

Yujin felt her hopes burn into tiny shreds. Maybe she was in fact stupid for ever hoping that Wonyoung would forgive her and take her back to her arms like she always did, maybe a tiny part of her, even the littlest speck, felt important and desirable to the said girl. For ever hoping that Wonyoung would take her back.

Then it hit her.

Maybe she was a little insane or a little bit more stuck up than what is essential but Yujin, oh sweet little Yujin, she wouldn't have agreed to be in this whole mess in the first place if she hadn't harboured any form of unspoken fear within, to be sent to that conversion camp all those while ago, to be sent abroad for over a year, to come back here and walk in the snow at 6 in the morning to a church where all her good memories laid in ashes, broken to the bone.

And it was nothing but internalized fear, of what she felt, how she acted, of her true unfiltered self that both her faith and her parents were strictly opposed to.

All to her final conclusion, that all this time, all she wanted for Wonyoung was to feel the way she did, to be able to feel however she wanted towards the girl she was so smitten by. For Wonyoung to want her back just as much as she did.

The shackles were to be broken, no prisoner remained a prisoner for a lifetime and it was all the realisation it took for Yujin to cry out, from the depths of the sorrow in her heart, Wonyoung's name.

The said girl turned back almost immediately, just an inch before leaving the hall. Yujin never felt more brave in her life than she did at the moment.

"You wanted an explanation? I'll give you one," her voice shook with both excitement and fear.

"You're right, Wonyoung. I am uptight, I stick to the rules a lot more than what's necessary and I guess, that's what led me to this whole mess today." Tears began to spill out her tears.

"I had feelings for you, Wonyoung. But I never actually came to a point where I actually accepted them and acted on it. I was scared, I knew my parents and my religion and the church would all deem it wrong and inappropriate. I was scared of being an outcast, of being shunned for having feelings that I otherwise can't help. So I ran away. Like a fucking coward."

She wiped away her wet cheeks harshly with the back of her hand. "Now, it's just- it's all so stupid, you know? I wouldn't have ran away and hid myself if I hadn't been afraid. But now, I don't care anymore. I don't care what I feel or to whom it's toward. I just- I want to be over it all."

Irresistible sobs filled her lungs as she let her tears fall freely. The words felt like a huge wave of emotions loaded off her shoulders, she had waited so long for the courage to come by and now that she possessed it, it all felt like a downpour.

"I just wished you'd want me back the way I wanted you."

And maybe Yujin did believe in time lapse then. Because one moment Wonyoung was running to her from the entrance and the next moment her lips were on hers.

She signed into the contact. It was all she had waited for so, so painfully long. The Yujin a year ago would've retreated in revolt from the thought of it all, her grasping tightly onto Wonyoung and kissing the life out of her on the church altar, underneath His very own gaze, where only holiness and purity were taught, encouraged and preserved.

It felt so vile yet so sinfully good. Yujin cried into the kiss, only if she had the courage to do it sooner. It was all she ever wanted. Everything.

They broke apart after a while, both equally out of breath. Foreheads enjoined, Yujin sighed in peace. She hadn't had a care in the world, not her parents finding her or the huge silhouette of the Christ and his cross overlooking them.

"Wonyo?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's run away."

Wonyoung smiled. Even after a year, it hadn't changed at all.

"Let's."

*

They took refuge at Heeyeon's for a while. Turned out, Wonyoung had to actually talk to her aunt first.

"I have to tell her atleast something before I leave, right?"

Heeyeon welcomed them with open arms. She didn't say anything or commented on their relationship, which Yujin was thankful for. Even better, she seemed to have a liking towards Wonyoung.

"We can go live at my friend's in Incheon," Wonyoung planned out. "Don't worry, I'll get what we need and call her before hand."

It all worked so fast for Yujin, but this time it was the kind of pace she liked. She was finally breaking away from what shs later felt was a toxic circle of life and she looked forward to it even more because of Wonyoung.

"You guys take care, alright?" Heeyeon told them before they left.

"I will, don't worry." Yujin hugged her. "I love you."

She met Jennie again shortly after, to get resources for their road trip and of course, to talk things out. Yujin heard a couple muffled screams from the kitchen but pretended she didn't hear them. She had faith in Wonyoung anyway. The girl once negotiated cocaine out of a grown ass man for a dime so it would be alright to believe that much.

In the end, Jennie came out of the kitchen, Wonyoung in tow and gave her a tight hug. Yujin had no choice but to reciprocate although she had no idea why the woman was hugging her.

"Take care, you two. Be careful, alright?" She told her quietly. 

Yujin almost broke down in her arms. "I will. Thank you."

Then, the woman quietly slipped something into her hands. Yujin looked to see that it was, of course, a pack of sanitary pads.

"Don't tell Wonyoung but bitchass can't even position her pads on her underwear properly and has leaky periods all the time which she CANNOT handle for her life so it's just a precaution."

"Okay?" Yujin couldn't help laughing.

"Alright now can you please brain washing her?"

"I didn't even have to try." Jennie rolled her eyes.

That was all about it before they said goodbye. Wonyoung took 15 more minutes to comfort her aunt who was all but a wailing mess by then.

"My baby's all grown up now, she can even drive across cities by herself," Jennie sobbed noisily into Wonyoung's shoulder.

"And that's the fourth time you've said that in the last 10 minutes but okay." Her niece patted her head.

"No because you're all grown up-"

"Whoop, look at the time, gotta go. Bye, Auntie!" Wonyoung quickly pecked her Aunt's forehead and ran over to the car where Yujin was waiting.

"Bye, bye baby tadpole and her girlfriend! I'll miss you guys!"

Wonyoung drove away faster than any formula racer.

*

So far, Yujin felt perfect.

The sun glazed over their heads, roads were smooth and dry and most importantly, Wonyoung was there. 

Nights were spent in silent bliss under the moonlight bath, they didn't have much but they managed. Happiness was an abundant resource all the way.

"Hey, Wonyoung?" Yujin called, laying down on the grass, casually gazing at the star struck sky above them.

"Hm?" The younger girl responded as she fixed the engine.

"Why were you running the other day?"

"Oh." A soft thud of the hood could be heard. "I was shop lifting, uh bread."

"What?"

"Just for the thrill of it."

"You're insane."

"Church girls won't get it anyway." Yujin punched her lightly on the shoulder.

"What? Don't tell me you haven't shop lifted before."

"Not really." For some reason, admitting it aloud made her bashful.

"Thought so." Wonyoung smiled. "Stealing can be fun."

"You need help."

"Of course, I do." Wonyoung pecked her on the lips before laying down beside her.

Later on, Yujin would look back and regret not saying the three words.

Things were well. The rainbow journey (literally) however, was soon to be disrupted, replaced by a destructive whirlwind instead. And that was why heavy rain poured down on them the next day.

Wonyoung's cadillac rode past the wet and sometimes muddy roads, heavy patters of rain ringing close to their ears from the ceiling of the car. Wonyoung had told them they were inching close to a town.

"Are you hungry?" It's 6 in the morning and it's wet and cold and while they would ideally be asleep by that time, Wonyoung suggested they get a head start since the rain was unpredictably strong and chances were roads would flood out and it'd be even more difficult to move forward that way.

"Well, yeah. We haven't eaten since last night."

"Let's hope there's a convience store here somewhere. The town's not far away either."

Thunder bolts rained down one by one all along their journey, rain falling at an intensity that was unsafe for any form or journey on the road and while she was trying to remain positive, Yujin had the dawning realisation that all of this was not gonna be as easy as they made out.

It's been an hour. Yet no signs of human habitation.

But before she could start worrying, Wonyoung thankfully spotted the edge of a town ahead. It didn't look very big from a distance but it would do.

"I'll go get us something. Wait here, alright?" Wonyoung disappeared soon into the first convience store she could find after that.

Yujin snuggled against her sweater, a little too big for her and leaned against the window. The rain never stopped, flooding concrete roads and gurgling drains with all fury. She watched as the water flowed dully over the less logged areas of the empty street, the edge of the town being eerily quiet in the early hours of the morning.

God and His omens were an untimely event, in the hands of time. If He wanted to let Yujin acknowledge His signs then so be it.

A stray cat wandered alone under the street lamp across the road. 

Yujin briefly pondered if she should help it out. They were barely hanging by the thread themselves, how were they supposed to take care of an animal? Besides, she wasn't sure Wonyoung would like the idea.

But it was cold and the rain was a bitch and she had been on an emotional roller coaster all week so she grabbed a blanket from the back seat and got out into the rain. The cat neither moved nor reacted to her proximity.

"Hey there, little guy, what are you doing out here alone?" She caressed the fur behind its ears. The cat meowed and leaned into the contact.

Yujin smiled at the reaction. The blanket was starting to wet, her sneakers soaked in water on the street, and just as she was about to scoop up the animal in her arms, it ran away.

That was when she sensed a presence behind her.

Looking behind to see who it was, Yujin squinted up to the said figure. She had forgotten her glasses inside the car.

Everything felt like a joke then. The world seemed to crash down on her, fate be damned, life and blood leaving her face altogether.

Her father grinned down at her.

"Dad?" The name itself made her sick to her stomach.

Without a word, the man grabbed her arm and pulled her up. It was too abrupt for Yujin to react or resist but before she found herself being dragged across the street, she managed to pull her arm away.

"What the hell?" She almost screamed.

"Enough of this bullshit, you're coming home with me," he yelled in his usual steely tone.

Normally, she would've conceded but not today, something took over her and suddenly get father's rage didn't seem so reasonable or horrifying any longer.

"No, enough of 'your' bullshit. I won't have you ruin my life again." The courage was certainly electrifying but also scary in a sense. Maybe if she possessed it sooner.

Her father grabbed her collar and pulled her close. "Now listen here, you little dyke, you listen to me quietly and come with me and no one gets hurt, alright? Let's not make this tougher than it is for me already."

Yujin slapped his hands away. "Fuck off, asshole. I may have cowered under you at some point but now, I've seen it all. You're just a sick freak with a maniacal desire to control everything and everyone around you. I'm fucking done with you."

She walked away in light strides, feeling proud of having stood up for herself for once.

But all of it disappeared the next second the moment she heard a click behind her.

"Move and I'll blow your fucking brains off."

Yujin froze dead in her spot, time seemed to have ceased for a moment, droplets of rain feeling heavier than ever as they slid down her chin.

"Talk now! Talk all your want, swear at me!" She heard him laugh from behind. The back of her head felt heavier than ever, as if physically feeling the tip of the gun against it. 

"Fucking dyke. You really thought you could go over me? If I knew you'd turn out like this eventually, I should've shot you sooner."

That was all she heard before hearing a loud thud and a grunt from behind. Turning back to the noise, she saw Wonyoung grappling with her father on the ground, both trying to get a grip of the gun in the man's hand.

"Go!" Wonyoung screamed.

"But I-"

"Dumbass, I said go!"

But Yujin was Yujin and the universe conspired to make everything as terrible as it could be so she charged at the man with her bare fucking hands (very brave of her, she would later think. But also very dumb), choking the man in a headlock. He grunted and struggled against her hold but not before giving a sock on Wonyoung's chin.

Thankfully, the gun was out of his hands by then. But all relief turned into panic when the man overpowered her hold and pulled her hair instead. Yujin yelled in pain before finding herself slammed against the street lamp, the man's hands around her neck.

She choked, air emptying out her lungs at a terribly quick rate. His fingers felt like fire against her skin, inching closer and closer to her pipes by each second.

"P-Please," she begged him.

"Look who's begging now, huh?" The contact became much more tighter. Her father's rigged look with the maniacal smile under the heavy downpour looked horrendous, terrified her to her guts. It was then she realised that it was not the father she looked up to once upon a time.

"Hands off her or I'll shoot you!"

Wonyoung stood with his gun pointed in his direction. Thunder roared in fury, rain poured over their figures and for a moment it all seemed to stop. Yujin saw Wonyoung's finger ghosting the trigger.

"Do it." She felt the grip tighten around her neck.

What was worse, the man was laughing like nothing was wrong. His hold never faltered as he locked eyes with Wonyoung's undeterring ones.

"I said do it."

Suddenly, it all seemed to close around her neck. Air emptied from her lungs, her vision blurred and all was a breathless world in a second. Yujin gasped loudly and choked.

"I SAID DO IT."

Then there it was, the loud screech of a bullet hitting a man's flesh. And a thud of a body hitting the concrete. Yujin felt the dead grip leave her neck and at once collapsed on her knees as she felt air air slowly retreat to her lungs.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Wonyoung rushed to her side.

She couldn't speak. All she saw were tears, stars and a lifeless body before her. She panted, swallowed and did it again. She felt life return and leave her body simultaneously.

Blood blended with rain water ran violently across their legs into the gurgling drains. Her father's body laid motionless in a pool of red over the running waters.

Yujin felt paralysed. All signs of life left her body.

Then, came the sirens.

*

"She's not talking," Nayeon sighed.

Jenie rubbed her hands over her face. The facility rung with noise of officials moving about their business. Both women talked in hushed tones in one corner of the lobby.

"It's been days, Jen and the trial's on Monday. I don't think we'll make it at this rate."

The said woman buried her face into her hands. Hope wasn't even an option at that point. Nayeon seemed to share her sentiment, as she gently rubbed the woman's back in slow circles.

"Fuck you, Wonyoung," she mumbled.

Nayeon continued comforting her slowly, perpetually having no words to say. She felt helpless, even as she was responsible for the case itself, for days she had tried. But Wonyoung overall was a difficult person and all attempts so far have ended up in vain.

"It's alright, baby. I'll try again tomorrow," she said quietly.

Jennie nuzzled into her neck, feeling the woman's warmth close to her. "Thank you. For everything."

"It's my job now, isn't it?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. Go get some rest, alright? You've been here all day."

Now on another side of the story, Wonyoung sat motionless in the farthest corner of her cell, knees to her chest as she stared off to space. No one knew what her thoughts were, and if anyone sought to know, she didn't allow it.

Her eyes showed nothing but emptiness and cold stillness, the impending doom was beginning to weigh on her shoulders more than ever.

2 days till the trial. 5 days since she was taken custody.

And she never spoke.

All she did was reel, regret and reflect and dwell over possible "what ifs" had listened to her conscience. The emptiness of her cell added to her misery, all the noise she heard being the struggling sounds of delinquent teens in the adjacent facility.

"Wonyoung, the trial's on Monday."

She really didn't have a lot of words. The still morning of that one rainy day replayed over and over inside her head and maybe, maybe if she was correct, she decided it was only right for her to be punished for what she did.

Only if everyone thought that way.

"Please, Wonyoung, you have to talk. I can't save you otherwise."

And maybe she didn't want to be saved at all.

Nayeon's desperate expression had ghosted her for days. The woman tried her best, she really did, Wonyoung herself was the living proof. But Wonyoung's conscience was another person, dictating through her choices in between struggling to face the truth or cower away to seek help.

She felt bad for Nayeon. She has known the woman for a long time and it was the first time she saw her this desperate.

"Please."

Her conscience ticked like a time bomb. Beads of sweat pooled around her neck. Her heart beat erratically.

"You don't have to do this."

Then, came the tiny ping. Visiting hours were up. Wonyoung took one last look at Nayeon's visibly perplexed form before being taken away to her cell.

Serving juvy was tough. The food was horrible, fellow inmates were cruel, the authorities, even more and most importantly, her thoughts. Wonyoung never slept a day without them, biting and eating her away as it were.

It felt horrible.

The inner conflict warred within her, part of her wanting to wind up safe and alive and the other one wanted her to own up to her mistakes and cave in to her guilt.

Sweaty hands on the holt, fingers ghosting the trigger, the piercing scream of the bullet going off, it never left her mind.

"The trial's on Monday."

She buried her head into her knees and dozed off.

2 more days. Nayeon came twice everyday. She still tried and tried, till the little ping went off and Wonyoung was taken away.

She never spoke in any one of them.

Jennie grew increasingly distressed. Nayeon would talk about how she cried herself to sleep every night. It induced nothing but more pain and guilt inside her, how she clearly the root of everyone's suffering.

She felt sick in realisation.

One day more. Wonyoung laid thoughtless inside her cell until one of the officers notified her for a sudden visitor.

Oh, and it was unexpected alright.

The moment she saw her sitting in front of the screen, she wanted to run away. For all she knew, it was the worst possible visitor she could ask for at the moment.

"Let's just get this over with," she started right away.

"What's the hurry?"

"It's obvious I don't want to see you."

"You listen to me, child," her mother spoke firmly. "You're in prison and you're in no place to talk over me."

"It's juvy but yeah go off I guess."

"Same difference."

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I'm here to bail you out."

Wonyoung snorted. "Nice try, Mom. My attorney can't even get me out. You'd have to be a fucking clown to even try."

"Listen," her mother said discreetly. "I'm here to deliver you news but I can't do it if you keep acting that way."

Wonyoung wanted to tell her to fuck off. Her jaw clenched in irritation. But the woman was looking at her like she was expecting her to say something and maybe serving juvy had softened her, so she decided to hobe her a chance. "What is it?"

"You father's dead."

Radio silence.

The creaky fan rotated above them, the only sound that could be heard being that of the hands of the clock ticking away behind them. Everything seemed to have absorbed before Wonyoung spoke.

"And?"

"He signed his will in your name-"

"Oh fuck off, Mom," she cut off. "I'm not gonna do this today." She stood up.

"Your father's dead, Wonyoung! Show some basic decency-"

"No, YOU show that fucking decency," she yelled. "Nine years. Nine fucking years you abandoned me and when you finally show up it's over a motherfucking will."

She chuckled in disbelief. Her mother stood stunned on the other side of the screen. For the first time in forever, Wonyoung felt like breaking down.

"Wonyoung, sit down."

"You sit your ass down and think back to how you and asshole husband fucked over my life before disappear you ran away with some stranger for almost a decade."

Rage filled her nerves. If she was projecting her guilt and shame on her past traumas, then so be it.

"Don't fucking show up again." That was all she said before leaving her cell.

If her parents' divorce hadn't fucked her up already, her mother blown off with another man over a span of months and if 11 year old Wonyoung was strong enough to bear it all within her without unpacking any of it, then so she was. The only fortune that came out of it all being Jennie's loving presence. 

Maybe that was why she felt so guilty then.

The trial was next day. All she had to do was collect her thoughts and do what she needed to do.

It came soon enough, in the early hours of the noon. Wonyoung stood on the platform with the straightest posture she had ever had. The court room was a bundle of dead silence and unsplitting tension.

She saw Jennie and Yujin on the front row. Yujin sat on the edge of her seat, holding onto the partition for dear life, knuckles so white she could see it all the way over.

Wonyoung hadn't seen her in over a month. The older girl seemed much thinner than the last time she saw her. She knew why but she didn't dwell much on it.

She was there to decide their fate.

Wonyoung didn't remember much after that. A couple of yells here and there, witnesses and lots and lots of testimonials. Yujin came up on the platform a couple of times to give her statement. Wonyoung avoided all eye contact with her, what was bad didn't need to get anymore worse.

She saw Nayeon growing visibly distressed next to her, the case was reeling, she knew. Wonyoung didn't speak until she was told to or otherwise kept quiet.

Until the moment came when she could no longer be silent.

"Vicky Jang Wonyoung, I'm going to ask you for the last time. Did you shoot Yujin's father?" The prosecutor questioned.

"Objection! Pressure to defendant!" Nayeon cried.

"Overruled," the Judge dismissed. "Proceed."

Every other sound seemed to have filtered away into white noise at the moment. Her heart beat erratic in her chest, each cry thumping louder than the previous. Everyone in the room watched her next move with unbelievable tension. Wonyoung grew more and more anxious about her response.

Then, she saw Yujin. The girl bore holes into her body, as if Wonyoung would immediately disappear if she looked away. The only problem was instead of feeling loved and admired everytime she felt her gaze, Wonyoung felt guilt and sorrow in her chest. 

It was time she made up her mind.

Grasping tightly into the rails of the platform, knuckle white and anxiety gripped form, Wonyoung pulled every fibre of her being along with her to say her next word.

"Yes."

And that was it, the sound of the gavel meeting the sound block echoing across the room, noises from the audience supplementing the sound as Wonyoung stepped off the platform light as a feather.

Everything felt calm and chaotic at the same time, she was being taken away, Nayeon briefly hugged her and apologized for not winning the case which she of course, told her that it was on herself and mostly, Yujin giving her one last look, broken with everything in her.

Wonyoung never saw anyone in the court room after that.

"Crooked fate;

Damned under the Christ's gaze

As thou watch me bleed

Tear for tear

How long again,

Before our sun rises."

Yujin wanted to leave. It was 3 at noon mid July, the aircons inside the restaurant alone weren't enough and God forbid the guy in front of her had been talking without a break for an hour.

Sungjin was a nice guy but on most occasions, Yujin would simply say that he was pretty fucking annoying. Not to mention his gross ass breath.

Lord had been kind to her.

After everything that went down, she slowly learned to accept herself and her sexuality, moving out of her parents' meeting new people and of course, focusing on getting her degree. Yujin was proud of her development, she had even been with a couple of girls on the way! (even though most of them never lasted long except that one pretty senior whom she dated and got back together for a grand total of 6 times).

So yeah, it was pretty much mediocre at best.

Maybe because she hadn't found the right one yet. Or lost the right one in another sense.

"Hey, you listening?" Sungjin snapped his fingers.

"Oh yeah- well," she couldn't be bothered.

"So as I was saying-"

And there it was, that horrible smell of saliva and subway garlic. Yujin had had enough.

"Alright, Sungjin, listen to me."

"Huh?" The man seemed irked that his story was interrupted.

"I don't think this is going to work out," she confessed sincerely (and bluntly). "Thank you for all the great times. I had fun."

Fun, my ass.

"But I thought we were doing well-"

"Well, dating can't be a one sided thing, can it?" The Yujin 3 years ago wouldn't even had the courage to come up with those words.

"Wow, okay....."

"I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's fine," Sungjin brushed it off. They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before Sungjin spoke up.

"Hey, you're not eating that, are you?"

That was her que to leave.

Rain clouds drizzled as soon as she began walking home. The Seoul skyline looked denser than ever (Yujin had no idea if it was the pollution or the clouds or if she merely being sentimental) and it all seemed to dig into her nostalgia.

Rain followed soon after. Little droplets hit the pavements with their usual splatter, splashing about as Yujin ran homewards in her heels. If only that bastard was a gentleman to drive her home.

Rain had a weird connection in her mind, maybe because it hadn't completely left her mind yet but she did find herself dwelling on it sometimes. The rain grew stronger, and she had no choice but to wait in the nearest bus stand.

Her clothes dripped with little droplets and had little watery spots on them. She sighed and looked at the overlooking streets and pedestrians equally rushing about to kill time. The gurgling drains reminded her of old times.

The rain carried heavy memories.

Her phone rang aloud. It was an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Yujin? Hi, it's Jennie."

She inhaled. "Hi, it's been a while...."

Truthfully, she hadn't seen Jennie since Wonyoung's case concluded.

"Yeah....." The line went a little fudgey. "Um, so I called you to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"Wonyoung's getting released tomorrow."

"Uncanny days; of blues

In the rains and bullet screams

When I see you finally

They're there, the memories."

Yujin tapped her feet anxiously. The traffic was a bitch (it was Seoul, of course) and all the patience that she usually carried in her bones seemed to dissipate under the anxiety beneath her skin.

"Calm down, we're almost there," Jennie told her.

The problem was Yujin could NOT calm down.

They had been on this stupid traffic for 15 minutes, 30 for the whole ride and she was so close to bolting out ghe vehicle. Serenity was not a state of mind she could afford right now

"I'm gonna barf," she blurted out on the 4th red light.

"Hey, hey you're inside a 2.8 million dollar car and I WILL take refunds on any damage caused whatsoever." Loud honking sounds came from behind them. Jennie stuck out her middle finger and yelled, "FUCK OFF."

"We're gonna be late," Yujin remarked worriedly.

"Not if you keep complaining," was the last thing Jennie said before speeding off instantly on the next green light.

And if God hadn't taken her life already when her father tried to murder her, Yujin was sure He was going to any moment. Jennie was only a rich wine aunt with no commitment to life whatsoever and a Spanish bull on the road. Her car raced at a solid 60 (Yujin checked for legal evidence) and the younger woman gripped onto the fancy leather for life, nails digging into the soft surface. 

Jennie was going to eat her alive for the scratch marks but who cares, her life is in danger.

After what felt like ages, the car finally screeched stopped in front of the juvenile institute. Yujin felt a tank of barf itch at the back of her throat. But before anything else, Jennie put on her signature Chanel shades and go out of the car.

Yujin followed gingerly behind albeit a little sick, both from excitement and car sickness that she recently found out on the way. The process wasn't very long after that, Jennie talked to the officials, signed a couple of papers and after she was done, asked Yujin to wait in the lobby while she fetched Wonyoung.

"It's gonna be alright, don't worry," she had said.

Yujin wasn't sure if everything was going to be okay.

Minutes ticked like hours as she waited patiently in the lobby. Anxiety arched over her head, edged in her seat waiting for the ultimate collapse to about to befall upon her.

Like the calm before the storm.

Then, after what felt like forever, Jennie came out the facility. "She'll be here any minute."

Patting her shoulder, she said, "Good luck" and left.

Yujin felt another spike of nerves on her spine. Just as she stood up, she saw a figure exiting the facility.

One she had never stopped thinking about for years.

"Hi."

Time seemed to absorb into itself, lapsing like how it did when she first laid eyes on her. It was a moment.

Wonyoung entered and exited her life like seasons, tangling her in a string of emotions she never knew she was capable of feeling. It had been winter in her heart for the past couple of years but what she didn't know, she had been longing for spring all along. She just needed to see Wonyoung's face to realise it.

"Hi....."

She had waited for this moment for so long, yet when it's finally all laid out in front of her, Yujin felt words dry out at the back of her throat.

Wonyoung broke into a smile.

And it was all it took for Yujin to break down, head in Wonyoung's shoulder pouring out years' worth of emotions that have somehow went on oppressed for as long as she could remember. It was a hurricane, a war that she concluded within herself, tides and crests of waves that submerged her in seas of downward memory, walking down lanes of pain and nostalgia that she never found herself giving a closure to.

Wonyoung simply stroked her head softly and held her. "It's okay, I'm here."

"I missed you."

Wonyoung fit perfectly in her arms.

"Hey, Wonyo?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna hear something I should've said years ago?"

"Sure."

"I love you."

Wonyoung giggled and kissed her. "I love you too dork."

And thus it was our father who art in heaven.

-the end-