Chapter Text
It happened all too fast. One moment he was seeing Eiji off at the airport, the next the news was saying Eiji’s plane had disappeared over the Amazon Rainforest. Ash couldn’t think. He clung the remote in his trembling hands, eyes fixed on the news.
At, 5:00 this afternoon Flight 179 Alpha’s equipment stopped responding. It is unknown how long they were airborne after that before coming in for an emergency landing. There has been no report yet where they landed or if there were any survivors. Experts say it depends entirely on how well the pilot was able to land the aircraft.
“Daddy?” Miko said tugging on Ash’s sleave. “Can you play with me?” Ash bent down and picked up his five-year-old daughter hugging her tight. She squirmed in his arms, turning looked into his face.
“What’s wrong?”
Ash didn’t answer. He couldn’t. The news held his complete attention. It just could be true. He had just seen Eiji a couple of hours ago. They had kissed and Eiji had promised to call when he got to his hotel. He had turned away smiling and had walked away to the security checkpoint. He and Miko had watched Eiji until he was out of sight. Eiji was going to display his art in a gallery in Brazil. He couldn’t be gone….
“Daddy?”
Ash gave a weak sob and hugged Miko closer. “It’ll be alright. They haven’t confirmed anything yet. It’ll be alright. It’ll be alright. It’ll be alright.” He spoke more for himself than Miko who had no idea what just happened. She sat still in his arms as he repeated himself over and over again, tears running down his face.
It only took a day or so until people started coming over to share their condolences. Ash refused to be comforted.
“They didn’t confirm anything.” He snapped at their neighbors Mrs. and Mr. Tamanaka. The couple eyed each other.
“Okumura-san, the chances of survival-” Ash didn’t let them finish. He slapped the door in their faces. Turning he saw Miko watching him. She looked frightened. Through his frustration, he felt guilty. He hadn’t explained anything to her yet. It was hard and the right words wouldn’t come no matter how much he tried.
“Daddy? “Miko whispered. Ash took a deep breath and opened his mouth. Nothing coming out. Closing it again he put a fake smile on his face.
“Let’s eat dinner.”
It took a month before Miko finally asked Ash where Eiji was. He had picked her up from school that day and, ignoring the sympathetic looks from the parents, headed home. As they rounded the corner to their apartment when she asked
“Where’s papa?”
Ash stopped in his tracks and looked down in surprise. Miko was watching him anxiously as if she expected him to start crying. Ash always waited until after Miko went to sleep to cry in his room alone. Now he realized that there was a chance that Miko had been awake and listening.
“He should be home by now right?” Miko continued. Ash bent down next to her.
“Papa is coming home but it’s going to take a while.” He gently took her small hands. Miko looked up at him and Ash was struck by how much she looked like Eiji. It made sense she did have Eiji’s DNA. They had decided that their child should have at least one biological parent.
“Some boy in my class said that….” Miko’s eyes watered. “That papa’s gone.”
“That’s not true,” Ash said sharply, then softening his voice he added. “His plane crashed but he’ll be fine. He’s probably fighting his way home even now.” Ash’s mind flashed to when Eiji had broken into Golzine’s party, gun in hand. Eiji was strong. He could make it. “We need to make sure the apartment runs smoothly until he comes home.”
“Really?” Miko sniffed. Ash helped her close.
“Really.”
After a year after the crash, the searches stopped and everyone on board was written off as dead. Ash was beside himself with anger.
“You can’t write them off as dead until you find the plane!” he yelled over the phone. “What kinds of idols are you?” Nothing he did changed anything. Eiji was “officially” dead and his family had a funeral for him. Ash refused to attend. He and Miko stayed home that day and ignored everyone who came by. Around that time Miko started acting up. She started crying and screaming when she didn’t get what she wanted. She was sullen and moody all the time. She even started wetting the bed again. Ash thought she might be sick and brought her to the doctor.
“She’s dealing with a lot of stress. She lost her father and she’s hurting because of it.”
“Eiji’s not dead,” Ash said bluntly. The woman gave him a look.
“Whether he’s alive or not isn’t the problem. He’s not in Miko’s life anymore and it’s hurting her. She should start seeing a therapist.”
Ash left the building in a bad mood. He hated the idea that his daughter had to go to therapy. His daughter wasn’t broken like he was at that age. She shouldn’t need this. Even so, he would do it if it would help. He’d do anything for his girl.
“Dad?” Miko whispered from beside him. “I’m sorry.”
“For what sweety?”
“I tried to be good and wait for papa but it’s hard.” Tears started down her face. “I miss him. I want papa.” Ash stopped and bent over to hold his daughter.
“I miss him to Miko.”
Ash didn’t know if he could take it any longer. Miko’s tantrums were becoming worse. Ash did his best to soothe her, but it was hard. His own nightmares had returned and it felt like he was regressing. He woke almost every night from horrible nightmares. He would see in the shadows Golzine and other’s faces leering at him. Sometimes he would cry out in terror. He knew Miko heard. Ash found himself longing for Eiji’s touch again. It was becoming harder and harder to recall his smile. That was the year Ash took up smoking again.
With his old terrors came a new fear. He was afraid he would become his father. No matter how much he tried, it felt like Miko was pulling away from him. The eight-year-old didn’t want to tell him anything anymore. She was having a hard time making eye contact. Ash found himself wanting Eiji more than ever. Eiji would know what to do. He always had a way of getting through to people. Ash wanted to reach out to people he knew in America. His gang, Max, anyone but he couldn’t. He was afraid that it would turn him back into the person he was. He never wanted to be Lynx again.
A week after Miko’s ninth birthday she had her worst tantrum yet. Ash had told her to do the dishes and when she didn’t he banned her from watching tv. She had yelled and cried, screaming her displeasure.
“Stop it!” Ash snapped. “Crying isn’t going to change my mind. Do your chores NOW.”
“Shut up!” she screamed. “I don’t want to talk to you. I want papa!” She looked up at Ash with so much anger that he felt his heartbreak. “Papa isn’t mean like you!” With that, she ran into her room and slammed the door. Ash sunk to the floor where he was. He sat there listening to his daughter’s wail. What should he do? Golziine’s face leered from his mind, reminding him that he was just a helpless broke toy. How could he comfort her? He wasn’t good and comforting people. That was always Eiji’s strength.
“Eiji.” He covered his face with his hands. “I can’t do this alone. Please, help me.”
Miko’s therapist was a good woman but Ash could never get comfortable around her. He still had a hard time trust therapists. One day, mouths after that horrible tantrum she pulled him into her office after a session.
“Mr. Okumura I need to talk to you about something important.” She sat down and gesture Ash to do the same. He didn’t budge.
“What?”
“It’s about Miko’s father. He died a couple of years ago. Is that correct?”
“No.” Ash felt that old anger rises in his chest. “He’s not dead. He’s going to come home.”
“That’s the problem.” The therapist said gently. “Miko’s suffering because you won’t let her move on. She’s afraid to bring up her father. She wants to accept his death, but she can’t because you won’t talk to her about it.”
“What do you want me to do,” Ash demanded angrily. “lie to her? Eiji’s alive. She shouldn’t need to accept his death! Eiji’s coming home.” If only she knew Eiji she’d understand. He had too much life in him to die that easily.
When Miko was twelve people stopped whispering about Eiji’s death. They seemed to feel that they had given Ash enough to and no longer needed to be sympathetic. It was a relief. Ash found it easier to talk to them now. He started going to neighborhood parties again. It was something to do other than work and wait for Eiji.
“She’s grown so much.” One of the neighbors, Miss Sato said as they watched the children play.
“Hmm.” Ash cracked a smile. When Miko was happy looked a lot like Eiji. It always brought back memories of her birth. He remembered how he and Eiji had rushed to the hospital when they got the message that Miko was born. He remembered how Eiji held Miko out to him.
“It’s your child too Ash. You shouldn’t be afraid to hold her.”
Ash remembered taking the tiny baby in his hands and holding her close while Eiji held both of them.
“I don’t see you around anymore.” Miss Sato continued, and Ash reluctantly returned to the present.
“I’ve been busy,” Ash said lightly.
“You should come shopping with me then!” Miss Sato fluttered her eyelashes. “It’s better than just staying home all the time.” Ash’s smile disappeared. Now he knew what she wanted.
“I’m not interested.”
“Oh, come now.” She huffed. “I know you loved your husband but think of Miko. She needs another parent around.”
“I’m not interested,” Ash said a little louder.
“Please tell me you don’t think Eiji’s…well….” She petered off. “It’s unhealthy.”
“Even if he was dead I wouldn’t date anyone else.” Ash’s eyes flashed. He hated this. He forgot how attractive he was. He almost forgot that adults would look at him that way. Did they think that after seven years he was open game?
All of the sudden he felt eyes staring at him. There were too many single adults at this party. There were too many people who wanted to take advantage of Eiji’s absents. Ash felt sick. He wanted to run away and hide. He couldn’t go back to being an object. Eiji had spoiled him. He had made Ash feel loved and human. He had protected Ash from the hungry eyes that gazed upon him. Ash turned and marched out of the building, dragging a protesting Miko with him.
That was the last time he went to see the neighbors. He went to work and came home. Miko started doing the groceries. She would bring them home and Ash would unpack and start cooking dinner. Ash became paranoid that someone was watching him. It felt like eyes were on him every time he left the apartment. He started staying home more and more.
You should come with me to Japan. It’s safe there.”
Eiji was wrong. Japan wasn’t safe. It only felt that way because Eiji made it safe. Eiji could make any place seem beautiful. He wanted Eiji again.
When Miko turned thirteen her tantrums finally stopped. At first, Ash was relieved. She no longer cried or shouted. After a while, however, he noticed that she started acting strange. She came home later and wore unkempt clothes. He finally cornered her when she was trying to sneak out of the apartment at one in the morning. She didn’t hear him approach but practically jumped out of her skin when he turned on the lights.
“Where are you going?” Ash asked crossing his arms.
“Nowhere!” She muttered. “I just wanted to grab a snack.”
“Really? Then why do you have your purse with you.” Ash took a step forward. “Don’t lie to me. Do you think I don’t know what’s going on?”
“Oh please, you’re oblivious to everything around you!” She gave an angry snort. “You barely leave the apartment because you’re afraid the neighbors might flirt with you.” She paused her eyes glinting maliciously. “Maybe you should get laid, it would help you chill.”
“Miko!” Ash grabbed her arm. “We don’t talk like that in this apartment.”
“We don’t talk like anything in this apartment.” Her eyes weld up with tears. “You just sit around moping thinking that he is going to come waltzing home.” She wrenched her arm away. “news flash dad. It’s been eight years. He’s dead.” She made a slicing motion under her neck. “Get over yourself.”
“Go to your room.”
Miko froze a look of surprise and fear on her face. He knew he had talked like Lynx. He spoke in a tone that would scare people twice her age and size. Miko backed up slowly before darting into her room. A small part of Ash wanted to reach out to her, but he couldn’t, not now. Her words hurt so much. He never imagined that she would talk that way about Eiji.
That night she cried herself to sleep. Ash lay awake listening to her. Once the crying died out Ash got up and left. He walked around the town trying to escape himself. When he couldn’t take it anymore he slammed his fists into the nearest wall over and over again. The pain felt nice. In the cold loneliness, he let himself go. He was no longer Aslan. He as only Ash Lynx, the cold killing machine, Golzine’s pride and joy.
“This isn’t you! Not the you I know! Not the you Shorter or Skip know!”
Ash paused in mid punch his senses returning to him. What was he doing? If Eiji saw him now he would be disappointed.
“What should I do?” he whispered sinking to the ground. “How do I raise Miko? How do I fight both mine and her demons?” He gave a sob. “Eiji please come home. We need you. This family is going to fall apart. I’m not strong enough, not where it matters.” No one answered. He didn’t expect them to. Finally, after a good hour, he returned home.
After that Miko stopped talking to him altogether. Although he tired to make small talk she avoided him. She would eat the breakfast placed in front of her, mutter her thanks and take off before Ash could sit down with his coffee. She didn’t come home until long past midnight. Ash implemented some rules like “Go to school” and “keep up your grades” but he was afraid to push any farther. Lynx was still inside of him and he didn’t want to make it worse. Eiji had somehow tamed Lynx when they first met but Ash didn’t know if it could reemerge again. He never wanted Miko to know how much a monster her father really was.
Miki entered high school and her behaviors got worse. Ash did his best, but it was hard. His demons followed him wherever he went. All he could do was to keep her feed and healthy. He wanted to be available if she wanted to talk but she never did.
When Miko was sixteen Ash got a phone call from the police at one in the morning.
“Your daughter was found in an abandoned building. We brought her to the station. Please come pick her up.”
Ash rushed there as soon as possible. It didn’t matter that the shadows were following him. It didn’t matter that the neighbor’s light was still on. His daughter was at the station. She was in trouble. He needed to be there for her. All he could picture was his younger self being arrested. It always felt horrible, to have adults against you. He never wanted her to feel that way.
At the station, all the parents got a briefing of what happened. Their children had broken into an abandoned hospital with alcoholic drinks. Then they had decided it would be a good idea to balance on the roof. Someone had called the police and, in their hurry to get away, one teen fell and died. The rest of the teens were brought to the station. They would be charged with breaking and entering and underage drinking. The police assured them that their sentence wouldn’t be too harsh since it was a first-time offense.
“I can’t believe you did that!” Some mother screamed at her sobbing daughter. Ash entered the room surrounded by a sea of tears and loud, stern voices. He floated to the corner where Miko was huddled, face pale and streaked with tears. At that moment Ash knew what to do. It was what he would want adults to do at that age.
“Hey,” Ash said gently. Miko flinched.
“I’m sorry.” She trembled sounding resigned. “I didn’t know that would happen…I didn’t think.” She looked away.
“Did you know the person who died?”
“No, but he just fell…. Why did we think it was a good idea?” She covered her face. Ash took her arm gently and helped her to her feet.
“Let’s talk at home.”
Miko stayed quiet until they arrive at the apartment. Once Ash closed the door and brought her to the living room she burst into tears, sinking to the ground.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She sobbed shanking. Ash bent down next to her hand hugged her tight. It felt nice to hold her again. She wasn’t the small girl he hugged when she asked about Eiji, but she was still his daughter.
“It’s ok, you made a mistake. We all make those. As long as you learned from them it’s alright.”
“I thought you would be angrier.” She sniffed.
“I’m not happy.” Ash pulled back from the hug. “But I understand. I was there before. I know what you’re going through.”
“You were arrested before?”
“Many times. Trust me I was a mess growing up.” He smiled ruefully. “Live wasn’t easy. Eiji saved me. He was the one who showed me there was light in the world.”
Miko watched him for a few seconds before looking away. Standing up she walked to the couch and sat down.
“When I was little I wished you would just admit papa was dead.” She said holding her arms close to her body. “I hated you for thinking he was alive. It made me feel like I was trapped between what you believed and what everyone else believed.” She took a deep breath. “If you want to believe he’s alive, that’s fine but I can’t. I think he’s dead.”
“And that’s ok.” And it really was. For the first time, Ash could say it without getting defensive. “But I’m going to continue waiting for him.” Miko nodded. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been a great father to you.”
“No.” she shook her head. “You always took care of me even if when you were hurting. I always know you loved me but… I don’t know I just wanted to get away…” she petered off.
“I should have handled it better.” Ash sighed: Eiji would probably be disappointed if he saw me now.”
“He’d more disappointed in me,” Miko said quietly.
“Alright,” Ash said finally. “Let’s make a pack. We’ll both work to try harder. Let’s show Eiji we can still make it.”
For the first time in forever, Miko smiled.
“Alright” She held out her arms and Ash hugged her tight. After a few minutes, she pulled away. “Can we…can we talk about papa? I don’t remember him that much.” Ash mulled it over before sitting down next to her.
“Eiji is…kind and amazing. He’s so full of life that you can’t help but love life as well. Though he can be evil sometimes. He knew how to tease me…he….” Ash’s eyes weld up in tears. “He is also gentle and amazing.” He wiped his tears away. “You should be proud to be his daughter.”
For the rest of the night, they talked about Eiji. When Ash finally got to bed he was not plagued by nightmares.
Miko’s attitude changed greatly after that. True to the cop’s words Miko got off easy and nothing went on her permanent record. She started concentrating on school more and making better friends. In exchange, Ash ventured outside. He still didn’t talk much to the neighbors who were still ogling him, but he made sure to not be home all the time.
Their relationship greatly improved as well. They started cooking meals together, talking and laughing. Ash let Miko put up a small picture of Eiji. It was a tradition that the Japanese did to honor their dead. Although Ash still believed Eiji was alive it was nice to have a picture of him smiling out from the corner of the room. It made him feel like Eiji was there with them, laughing with their jokes and sympathizing with their tears.
Miko’s high school graduation party was a simple one. Other than a few friends and Eiji’s family no one else was there. They had it in a part. Ash cooked the food while Miko danced around with one of her friends. She looked so beautiful, swaying to the music, a little lady. In his eyes, he still saw the little girl that used to sit with him and ask him hundreds of questions. She spun around and for a second Ash saw Eiji at their wedding. He blinked back the tears that threatened to spill. Yep, she was still Eiji’s daughter.
“Food’s ready!” he called, and he was relieved that his voice didn’t crack. Everyone walked as Ash handed out plates.
“Before we start.” One of Miko’s friends said throwing an arm over Miko. “I think one of us should give a speech.” She looked pointedly at Miko. Everyone laughed and Maiko rolled her eyes but put down her plate.
“I would like to thank my friends for their support, especially during the finals.” Her friends all chuckled. “I would also like to thank my dad.” Miko smiled at Ash. “Who was there during the hardest times of my life.” Ash fought back tears. “And….” Miko’s eyes traveled over their heads. Her face suddenly went pale. “Papa?” she whispered.
Ash whipped around. There, standing by the park entrance man with long wild black hair. Despite his strange clothes and heavy boots; despite how toned and muscular he was; despite the long scar on his face and a snake tattoo on his arm, Ash could recognize Eiji.
“Eiji!”
“Papa!”
Ash and Miko ran with all their might to him. Miko got there first. She threw her arms around him crying loudly. Then Ash reached him. He collapsed in Eiji’s arms feeling the warmth that he missed for so long. They stood there, the three of them, a complete family at last. Finally, Miko pulled away, forcing Ash to back up.
“Where were you?” she asked.
“Sorry. It took a while to get back to civilization.” His voice was raspy but still familiar. It was like music to Ash’s ears. He watched as Eiji held Miko out at arm’s length. “You’ve grown so much. I’m sorry that it took me so long.” She sobbed again and buried her head in his chest. Ash wanted to do so as well but held back. Miko deserved to go first.
It took a while for everyone to greet Eiji but finally, after both Miko and Eiji’s family got their fill of Eiji, Ash had him to himself. They sat together hand in hand while Miko talked excitedly with her friend.
“I can’t believe I’m here again.” Eiji finally said leaned his head against Ash’s arm. “In all those years you and Miko were the only things keeping me going.”
“I never gave up hope you were alive.” Ash’s voice broke “No matter what. I couldn’t” Eiji kissed him gently on the forehead.
“I wish I had been there with you.” His eyes were heavy regret. “I wish could spend the last thirteen years laughing and holding you.”
“We can do that now.” Ash pulled him close again. “We still have time. We still have each other.” Eiji hummed in agreement. They went back to watching the teens.
“She’s beautiful,” Eiji muttered. “I hate that I had to miss so much of her life.” He turned his head, so it was pressed against Ash’s chest. “You did an amazing job raising her.”
“I didn’t” Ash’s voice broke as he spoke “I messed up so much. I failed her so many times. I failed myself. I gave in to my own darkness. I didn’t think I could do it without you.”
“But you did.” He kissed Ash’s forehead “I heard her speech. You raised our daughter yourself to be happy and confident. You did an amazing job. You are such a wonderful father Aslan.” Fresh tears streamed down Ash’s face. Leaning in he kissed Eiji gently. Eiji held him close. For the first time in thirteen years, the darkness was nowhere in sight.