Work Text:
Love.
It didn’t used to be this difficult. It felt so easy. He loved his parents, his sister, the old dog his grandmother used to have. He loved chocolate ice cream and banana bread. He loved flowers and summer. He loved stepping into a puddle after the rain, even if he got scolded for it afterwards.
Love.
It was so easy. He never really thought about it.
But now it seems like love is so complicated, so difficult. Love is so so far away even when he feels it so heavy on his chest.
“–seok,” the end of a sentence filter into his ears. “Hoseok!”
Hoseok blinked and was reminded of his physical body, of his loudly beating heart, of where he was – in the middle of Jin and Yoongi’s living room.
“Huh?” was all he managed to utter, head still far away.
“I asked if you wanted to stay for dinner,” Yoongi said and sounded a bit irritated. But between his eyebrows there’s a hint of worry. A silent, are you okay? It’s been there some time now. Ever since Hoseok started noticing the way his heart beats a different rhythm sometimes, when he started realising when those sometimes were.
“I should head back actually,” Hoseok excused himself quickly. He shouldn’t be here. Not when he couldn’t breathe. Not when Yoongi looked all concerned and caring. It’s making the pain worse, the weight of it heavier on his lungs.
“You sure?” Yoongi asked, peeking from the refrigerator door. There’s a different question there. “Jin-hyung’s coming back soon. You can stay. We can watch a movie or something.”
No, no. He shouldn’t. He can’t. It’ll be worse if Jin is here. He should go, leave, run as far away as he can from here.
He tried to keep his voice steady, hoping the drumming of his heart wasn’t as loud to Yoongi. “I should go. I need to catch up on some readings.”
He stumbled across the living room, stumbled around his word. “Thanks for letting me use your song, hyung. Tell Jin-hyung I said hi.”
Hoseok can’t remember when it started. Time is a funny thing like that. It can be so precise, counted down to the seconds. But other times it slips away, it gets muddled up in your memory. It becomes a cloudy thing with no boundaries.
Maybe it started that day Yoongi played him that song. There were no lyrics yet, but it sounded like heartbreak. It sounded like being lost but in a way that’s warm and comforting. And maybe it called out to Hoseok, told him it was okay. This was okay.
Maybe it was further back than that. The time Yoongi came over the dance studio with chicken and it’s late. It’s too late for anyone to still be practicing. Hoseok’s room was the only one with the light still on so it probably wasn’t that hard for Yoongi to find him. He didn’t say anything. Just forced Hoseok to eat and stayed. He stayed and it was nice. Like a lot of things Yoongi is, it was quiet and warm.
Maybe it was even longer than that. The first time he saw Yoongi perform on stage. And it was so different from listening to his recordings. It was different seeing how he carried himself on stage, the way he moves. Hoseok remembered being in awe, mesmerised by his presence, his rhythm. He wanted to be soaked up in it.
Maybe it was the first time they met. Right at the beginning. Without knowing anything. Something had already started without Hoseok realising.
Maybe it was all those times in between. The loud nights with all of them hanging out together and Yoongi’s grilling meat for them. Or the quiet nights when he snuck into Yoongi’s studio just to watch him work. Between all the words said and those he hasn’t found courage to say.
“Are you going to Yoongi’s later?” Namjoon asked casually over lunch and seemed really surprised to receive a no.
“Why?” Hoseok asked anyway, despite himself. Because he couldn’t help but be curious, he couldn’t help but want to know things about Yoongi even as he’s running away.
“It feels like you’re almost living with them. I kinda just assumed you would head over after class,” and Namjoon looked like he had more to say but Hoseok wasn’t ready to be dissected over jajangmyeon in a crowded cafeteria.
“No, I meant why were you asking,” Hoseok corrected like he wasn’t hurt, sliced open. He felt bare and transparent. He hated it.
“Oh, uh, I needed to give something to hyung. I thought I’d just pass it to you if you’re going,” Namjoon answered, almost hesitantly. Like he’s not sure what to say. Like he knew it was fragile territory. “But, you know, it’s fine. I can just find hyung at the music department or something.”
“What is it?” Hoseok tried to pretend like it’s not burning him up. Like he’s just making conversation. Like the taste of the noodles wasn’t so thick in his throat.
“Just a CD I borrowed.” And then Namjoon started talking about the band and their sound, but all Hoseok could think of was how Yoongi felt when he listened to it.
He knew it was unavoidable at some point. It would be impossible to completely avoid his problems. Because they’re friends. And he couldn’t possibly say no when everyone said they would have dinner together. He had nowhere to go besides sitting between Jimin and Jungkook, trying not to steal glances across the table because Hoseok missed him. Despite everything. Or rather, because of everything.
He hated it. This feeling of being lost and drowning. Not knowing what is what anymore.
But the worst part is this. The worst part is Yoongi easily leaning into Jin and talking softly to each other and not knowing how difficult it was for Hoseok to sit across from them trying not to want.
Because Jin is beautiful and smart and incredibly nice and a dork when he’s comfortable enough and most definitely perfect. He’s loud in open spaces when he’s making sure no one else is embarrassed or feels left out. He’s quiet when he’s being considerate and taking care of you.
And maybe this is it. Falling. Maybe this is how it feels like. Hoseok’s felt it before. But can he really be sure. Maybe it was all just a lie.
Hoseok woke up to his head throbbing. Thankfully the curtains are closed, the room kept dark. The sheets smelled like Jin.
He wished he didn’t remember the night before. He wished he didn’t drink so much to end up here.
He heard things clanging in the kitchen, muffled voices. He couldn’t make out the words over his headache. But he could tell it was Yoongi and Jin talking quietly, whispering just right outside the door. So close and yet so so far away.
He wanted to run out of there, straight out of the front door and not have to see them. He wanted to bury himself under the comforters and let it takeover him. He wanted to not want.
But he knew he couldn’t avoid them today. It would be extremely rude to just leave when they took care of his drunk ass and probably already prepared breakfast for him. And there’s also that tiny part of him that missed this. Being with them. Being with just them.
“Hey, you’re up,” Jin said with a smile but Hoseok knew it was just a mask. Both of them had questions. Questions Hoseok might never be ready to answer. “Come have bugeotguk before Yoongi finishes everything.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Hoseok walked over to the empty seat at the table, trying his best to muster a smile. “And thanks for letting me stay last night.”
“It’s no problem. You know you're always welcome here,” Jin replied easily.
Before Yoongi turned to Hoseok like he was finishing Jin’s sentences, “you feeling better, Seok?”
Hoseok just nodded, it’s easier than finding words.
“Did something happen? You don’t usually drink that much,” Yoongi pointed out. He’s better out of the two in asking the hard questions. Jin’s more flighty than Hoseok when he wants to be.
And Hoseok didn’t know what to say. It felt like he might break with the way the both of them were looking at him. He felt seen. But at the same time invisible. It hurt. The pounding in his chest, the pounding in his head. Everything hurt.
“It’s nothing,” he mumbled into the soup. And he knew that if he doesn’t want to talk, neither of them would force it out of him. Or maybe he wanted them to; wrench it out of him. Maybe that will put a stop to this. This silly little dance they’re all doing.
They let him eat as quietly as he wanted, the two of them talking between themselves, planning their day and week. It made him feel even worse, a reminder that he’s not part of them. He got out of there before his heart spilled to the floor, before they asked him to stay for lunch too.
“Hoseok-ah, you need to talk to them,” Jimin urged, quietly in their dorm room. Hoseok didn’t even have to tell him anything. He just knew.
“I can’t,” Hoseok mumbled. He couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Shouldn’t.
“You can’t keep running away either,” Jimin said more sternly. Jimin never had reservations in calling him out on his bullshit. “Jin-hyung left early just now. He look like he was going to cry. You shouldn’t hurt them like this.”
Hoseok didn’t like it. He never meant to hurt them. But putting voice to his thoughts and feelings would hurt them even more. “I’ll just ruin everything.”
“I think you’re ruining things by not talking to them. They care about you, Hoseok. And even if they can’t reciprocate your feelings, they’d never let it ruin your friendship. You should trust them that much.” And it was like having a bandaid ripped off of him. But the wound looked like it’s healing, so maybe it’s okay.
The next day Hoseok stood in front of Jin and Yoongi’s apartment, ringing their doorbell.
“Hoseok, come in. I just started on dinner." Jin welcomed him with a small smile. But he didn't really spare Hoseok a look. He went straight into the kitchen and continued chopping the onions.
“You need any help?” Hoseok offered. Mostly because he felt awkward. He didn't know what to do now that he's here. He didn’t really come with a plan. Just to trust them.
“It’s fine, Seok-ah. You just make yourself comfortable. Hyung can handle it.” Jin said it like he knew was Hoseok is worried. He's always good at that, putting everyone at ease.
“Hyung.” Hoseok breathed after a few moments. He’d been standing in the kitchen after taking off his jacket, watching Jin working around the space. He missed this.
“Yeah?” Jin hummed without turning around. He was measuring the salt. But his hand did pause slightly, expectant.
“I’m sorry. For avoiding you,” Hoseok finally said. This was easier. This was the first step.
“Oh. Well, I’m glad you’re here now,” and he turns to Hoseok this time with a smile that feels more real. The corner of his eyes crinkle a little. He’s beautiful and kind and it hurt.
“You’re not gonna ask me why?” Hoseok frowned, half upset. He’s a little glad Jin was forgiving him. But at the same time, he knew Jin was hurt by what he did, by how things went the last couple of months.
“You don’t have to tell me right now if you don’t want to.” as if that's so natural to do. As always, never rushing Hoseok, never pushing him to speak before he's ready.
“Is Yoongi coming back soon?” Hoseok spoke again after a few minutes passed. It was getting quiet and a little uncomfortable.
“I don’t know. He’s been at the studio late lately.” But before Jin could say anything else, the front door clicked open.
“Hoseok,” Yoongi said and it sounded like he had rushed all the way here, hair slightly wind blown, breath short and heavy. “Hoseok,” and it’s softer. Suddenly he’s so closer. “You’re here.”
And Hoseok couldn’t keep it in anymore, couldn’t hold himself together. He clung to Yoongi and it felt like an anchor. He hadn’t realised he had been drifting all this time. “Hyung, I’m sorry,” he said between sobs. Which is stupid. Why was he the one breaking into tears? It’s his fault.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated before rushing out of the kitchen. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out. He looked himself into the first room he could find, mind fuzzing over.
“Hoseok, please don’t shut us out again,” Yoongi’s voice begged over the door. It sounds muffled, too soft compared to the sounds of Hoseok’s breathing and heart. “Please talk to us.”
“I…” can’t.
“Hoseok, please. Just tell us what’s wrong. Is it something I did?” It was Jin, pleading, blaming himself.
No, no. It’s not you.
“Hoseok, please open the door,” Jin sounded more aggressive, more emotional, torn apart. He was banging the door slightly, like he wanted to take it down but was holding himself back.
“Hyung, I think maybe we should give him some space,” Hoseok heard Yoongi say. They weren’t speaking to him anymore. And maybe he was right all along. He shouldn’t be here. They’re fine without him.
But something stopped his thoughts from spiralling down a dark hole. Jin’s voice rose again, almost hysterical, “Stop! I’m done giving him space. He’s right there and I’m not letting him go.”
“We can’t just force him. We talked about this,” Yoongi was still quiet, calm on the outside.
“I know,” Jin replied, angry. And Hoseok was surprised to find that his anger was thrown at Yoongi. He’d never seen them argue. Not even a little bit. Not loud voices like this. “I’m not forcing him to love us back. I just want him to tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it.”
Love us back, love us back, love us back. Hoseok didn’t hear anything else. He couldn’t possibly. He felt like he was going out of his mind.
“You WHAT?” He practically screamed as he barged out of the room. His breathing was still heavy, wild.
“Hoseok?” Yoongi blinked looking at him. “Shit.”
“Fuck, this was not how this was supposed to go,” Jin muttered. His eyes bulged out of his face, looking caught. Face flushed from anger and maybe something else. Hoseok really wanted to know if there’s that something else.
“You said ‘love us back’. Do you,” but Hoseok couldn’t say it. It felt impossible. The words stuck in his throat.
It was silent. It felt like it dragged for an infinite amount of time. It felt too long.
“Yeah, we do. We love you.” And it felt like a bullet train to the face when Jin was the one to say it. Jin was never easy with displays of affection. Not unless it’s a joke. Or he’s disguising it as a joke. Never so plainly.
When he’s serious like this, it feels. Real.
“I love you, too,” Hoseok found himself saying. He wasn’t sure if it even came out his mouth.
“I’ve been avoiding you because I was scared. I love you.” And it feels like letting go a huge weight from his chest.
“Good. So, you’ll stay?” Yoongi asked like that was the only thing that mattered. And maybe it was.
“Yeah,” he nodded, taking that small offering and hoping for more.
As they had dinner and sat down for a movie, it felt like nothing had changed. A reminder that Hoseok’s always had space here, right here in between where he thought he was interrupting. Right between Yoongi and Jin, the fragile space between their hearts.
Hoseok was so stupid.
The differences were small. It’s in the way Hoseok allowed himself to lean closer to Jin without feeling guilty. In the way he let his hand find Yoongi’s and didn’t think too much about what it means.
He wanted to stay and never leave.