Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Satisfied is a fitting word to describe how Jaeyoung feels about his current lifestyle. Sure, he knows he’s not living the life of his dreams, but really, does he even know what this supposed "life of his dreams" actually is? Does such a thing even exist!? Jaeyoung thinks about this from time to time in the short breaks in his work as a personal trainer, when he ponders about an exercise routine for one client and jots down a meal plan for another; he never manages to come up with a definite answer and finds he’s okay with that.

Really, he’s not disappointed.

Jaeyoung lives his life leisurely, his youthful days split in half: half lived in a lively gym downtown and the other in a cramped apartment he shares with a guy around his age named Changyun. Changyun collects a suspicious amount of Spiderman dolls (action figures, he always corrects him) and happily dances to Feliz Navidad in their living room every Sunday morning; while Changyun works hard in all of his part time jobs, he always procrastinates doing his share of housework; Changyun can be unexpectedly loud and at times suddenly pester him like a kid, but he's never too nosy and respects Jaeyoung’s personal space. So yeah, Changyun turns out to be a nice roommate in his own "unique"  way.

The occasions they properly meet and hang out are few and far between, since their work hours end up clashing. When they eventually come up, Changyun and Jaeyoung get something cheap to eat together at night – from time to time Changyun even treats him with free food he gets from one of his part time jobs.

If for some reason someone asks Jaeyoung what is exactly his relationship with Changyun, he imagines he’d describe it as something akin to letting yourself float languidly and aimlessly in the sea. He lets the waves take him in whatever direction they want and just like in his coexistence with Changyun, Jaeyoung is dragged along in this ambiguous relationship in which they hit it off but aren’t quite friends. In a relationship like theirs, Jaeyoung guesses that Changyun feels comfortable enough to ask some things about his personal life as they share a drink in some rundown street stall. Questions like who is the good looking guy he saw leaving their place the other night.

Jaeyoung looks at Changyun for a second, curious about his curiosity.

“He’s a senior from high school.”

Changyun hums in acknowledgement on that one hot night that announces the arrival of summer.

The senior Jaeyoung knows from high school is Lee Seungjun and it's still a weird experience meeting up with him as a working adult, with so many things changed and so many others remaining the same in their lives.

Unchanged point no.1: the way Seungjun talks nonstop in that oddly familiar chipper tone of his, taking almost no breaks between a string of words and a mouthful of the sandwich he's ordered.

He goes on and on about some client who went to the salon he works at and gave him some very expensive gift because "isn't it kind of weird receiving something like this from her? I mean, I am grateful but I am also not sure if she's hinting at something there. And isn't there something about work ethics involved in this too? So Jaeyoung, what do you think? Also how are you doing at work today?" .

And Jaeyoung tells Seungjun what he thinks – yes, she might be interested in something beyond getting a nice haircut; tells him how he's doing at work – the usual: same faces, different exercise routines; and then he vaguely reminisces about all the conditions that led him to sit in front of his high school senior in this particular lunch break. Well, not that many conditions after all – Jaeyoung just found out by chance Seungjun started working in a beauty parlor near the gym when he was on his way home the other night. Jaeyoung remembers a high pitched voice calling his name some meters away from him followed by the sight of Seungjun’s flushed face and disheveled hair as he ran to catch up with his steps. The memory of Seungjun struggling to catch his breath while greeting Jaeyoung brings a smile to his face and makes him distractedly say: 

"I'm glad we can meet up like this, hyung. I hope we can keep on doing this from time to time."

Unchanged point no.2: the sincere beaming smile Seungjun displays whenever he's pleased with what he hears.

So they resume their talk from the other night because days seem longer in summer, long enough to do some much needed catching up even if on a brief lunch break. They reminisce about teachers they had in common and summer vacations spent as teenagers. They laugh about meaningless worries and struggles left all the way in the past and then try to picture faces they barely remember.

Of course they also talk about the entirely different lives they've led after high school, all the different people they've met in junior college and in the beauty school Seungjun attended. They go about the ordinary details of post-high school life so naturally and nonchalantly that Jaeyoung's following question is automatic, almost an afterthought to whatever Seungjun says:

"How is Hyojin hyung doing, by the way?"

Seungjun pauses, looks pensive for a brief second while fiddling with the straw of his iced coffee. The vague memory of a day that Jaeyoung remembers every once in a blue moon pops up in his head and he suddenly can feel the artificial cold from the air conditioner in the restaurant with an acute sensitivity. A fond yet strained smile plays on Seungjun's lips as he looks at Jaeyoung again.

"He is fine."

Unchanged point no.3.

So many things remain the same, huh?

It's a hot Friday night when Jaeyoung's worlds collide.

"What about your roommate?"

So reads the reply that Jaeyoung receives from Seungjun after he tells him to do as he wishes when he boldly invites himself to his place since he's finishing work early that day. Jaeyoung thinks back to the not so distant night Changyun asked about Seungjun and guesses he seemed pretty much indifferent to his presence in their apartment, so he's quick on texting him back:

"He's cool! I think I'll arrive home before him anyway. I'll introduce you guys then~"

Jaeyoung’s steps out of the elevator are quick, they are even quicker to stop on their way as he nears his apartment: through the closed door he can hear a heated argument inside, two voices going back and forth ceaselessly. He can vaguely identify one of them as Changyun's and guesses he must have come home early that day, the other one is obviously Seungjun's judging by the volume and high-pitched tone.

Jaeyoung turns the doorknob, sneaks his head in and is immediately met with livid protests.

"Jaeyoung-ah, just what part of this brat is cool!?" Seungjun shouts from one side of the small living room, foot planted on their cheap coffee table and finger pointed straight at Changyun's face.

Jaeyoung's eyes dart towards Changyun.

"Jaeyoung, just what kind of school did you go to to meet an annoying guy like this?" Changyun shouts back from the couch, looking at Jaeyoung over the seat and signaling towards Seungjun with a dismissive gesture.

Jaeyoung's eyes dart towards Seungjun.

"What did you just say!?"

Jaeyoung is honest to god impressed at their perfect unison, clapping enthusiastically as the following words come out naturally from his mouth.

"Oh, I see you've already become friends then!" 

"Never!" they shout together again, not one second too soon nor too late.

From the sidelines Jaeyoung follows Changyun and Seungjun with his eyes wrinkling in a smile, cackling at both of them, his laughter so loud it almost manages to drown the small heated debates about big meaningless nothings that extend into the night. Changyun and Seungjun fight even as the three of them sit around the coffee table, sharing the box of fried chicken bought by Jaeyoung on his way back home, their full mouths not stopping them from throwing one childish remark towards the other until only crumbs remain inside the box and lively voices inside their small place. 

"Ah, Lee Changyun! You were messing with my controller, you cheater!"

Seungjun's glare is fierce and flames burn deep inside his eyes as he grabs Changyun’s arm and makes his face contort into an over exaggerated pained grimace. Changyun releases his arm from Seungjun’s vicious grasp and pats his shoulder, a condescending smirk on his lips.

“Oh, boohoo. How about you try not to suck next time?”

Jaeyoung sips on a cold glass of water and watches Seungjun huffing and Changyun getting his arm slapped for the ninth time that hour, a scene that has become commonplace in the unintentional and spontaneous night hangouts that have gradually become a constant in his routine in their once quiet and peaceful living room.

A new routine in which Seungjun throws himself on their couch after work and – despite not admitting – waits for Changyun to come back with claims of having a thing or two to tell him; in which Changyun always begrudgingly asks Jaeyoung how the "ugly dumbass" is doing while coming up with increasingly childish ways of competing against Seungjun about who knows what. Lee Seungjun being Lee Seungjun, it’s hook, line and sinker.

That night it’s a Tekken tournament. 

"It's your turn."

Changyun turns towards Jaeyoung and extends the remaining controller, Seungjun has already splayed himself on the couch behind him after throwing his tantrum. Jaeyoung places his half filled glass on the counter and sits on the floor beside Changyun, his fingers deft as he chooses the same character from the previous round he fought against Seungjun.

Seungjun’s body turns on the couch to point at the old electric fan in the corner of the room with whines of why is this place so hot? You guys need to fix the air con. The rattling of that old thing is unbearable . Seungjun keeps on nagging while messing with Changyun’s hair until his fingers get trapped between his strands and his head is pulled back with a surprised yelp coming from both of them. Changyun’s hands stop and his head whips back to glare at Seungjun, whose only words are: 

“Sorry, sorry!” Seungjun pats Changyun’s head lightly with a sheepish smile “You need a haircut, Changyun-ah! Want me to do it for you?”

“I wouldn’t trust you anywhere near me with a pair of scissors.”

Seungjun grins at Changyun’s monotone. 

“Clippers would be fine then? I can give you a nice buzz cut. Oh, maybe you can even pull a bald look!”

“You idiot, what are you even sayin- Ah!”

The familiar “K.O.” said in a familiar voice in a familiar tone reaches Changyun’s ears and makes his head jerk towards the television as he lets out an indignant shout when his eyes meet his character passed out beyond the screen. You two...! I can’t believe it! Ah, seriously? Changyun's voice echoes in flustered stutters, his finger pointing accusingly at Jaeyoung and Seungjun happily high-fiving each other – “flawless Jaeyoung-ah, flawless” are Seungjun’s satisfied words.

Changyun’s complaints and demands for a rematch against Jaeyoung extend for two full minutes, two full minutes in which Jaeyoung talks back to him in equally immature arguments that end in full on pouts. Seungjun watches the scene and lets out a hearty laugh, eyes narrowing as his smile grows big on his face and his hand messes Changyun’s hair again.

“You guys make one interesting pair!”

Jaeyoung stares in disbelief at Seungjun then at Changyun, his pointing finger moving in the space between himself and Changyun – “are you serious, hyung?” . And then Jaeyoung notices Changyun’s eyes on Seungjun, they waver as he lightly slaps his hand away from his hair. It’s a sight that makes Jaeyoung tilt his head to the side in thought, because he’s sure he recognizes something in it although he can’t quite put a finger on what, how or why. In the end, he simply gives up on rummaging through his thoughts because the ceaseless back and forth with Changyun left him exhausted, each uttered and stuttered word and frustrated sigh seeming to have made the small living room a degree hotter.

As if reaching a silent agreement, the three of them get up and go out to get something to eat, if only to escape the stuffy apartment. When the sound of the rustling of leaves reaches Jaeyoung’s ears as soon as they step out of the building, he looks at Changyun and Seungjun who walk slightly ahead, playfully pushing each other and bickering again. Jaeyoung breathes in deeply and sighs with a grin.

It would be nice if the peaceful days go on like this, the thought crosses Jaeyoung’s mind and vanishes as quickly as the passing night breeze.

On a typical hot afternoon, Jaeyoung receives a text from Changyun asking for Seungjun's work contact and address. Quite obviously, Jaeyoung has to stop everything he is doing at work then just to teasingly text him back asking whether Changyun will accept Seungjun's suggestion from the other night and get a change in his visual after all.

“...I might.”

...reads the text on the screen, in a tone that makes Jaeyoung picture Changyun’s bashful expression quite clearly.

And that's how Jaeyoung ends up sitting at the entrance of the beauty salon where Seungjun works and watches from a distance his hands fluff Changyun's hair in front of a mirror.  While Jaeyoung waits for them to finish so they can grab dinner together after another tiring day of work, his eyes follow the scene in which his current roommate gets a haircut from his senior from high school. A funny turn of events, if he may say so.

"Want me to dye it too?" Jaeyoung hears Seungjun asking playfully, his distinct voice loud enough to be heard even from where he sat.

Jaeyoung watches Changyun's mouth move in his expressionless face, his response going unheard to him. Judging from Seungjun's glare and the threatening way he's just snipped the air with the pair of scissors in his hand, he guesses Changyun must've given him one of his typical responses. Yeah, that must be exactly it, Jaeyoung quietly laughs to himself as he sees Changyun's sheepish smile when he quickly turns towards Seungjun and babbles some excuse about his teasing.

In moments like those Jaeyoung becomes strangely aware of the fact he’s already become an adult. He notices Seungjun's serious eyes as he stares at Changyun's reflection in the mirror, his mouth which is usually turned upwards in a big smile is now pursed in concentration as his fingers slide against a strand of hair and his hand works the scissors to snip the tips with sharp sounds. Watching Seungjun's elegant working posture truly makes Jaeyoung feel like the playful and careless days of his early youth are long in the past.

The sight of Changyun staring straight at the mirror with a blank expression and his mouth oddly shut catches his eye then, Jaeyoung wonders what he’s thinking; he does it for a while as Changyun’s gaze is fixed at some point reflected in the mirror and his hands are glued to the chair armrests. Seungjun blows Changyun’s hair briskly with the dryer, his hands running gently against his locks and adding the finishing touches to his haircut. When he’s done, Seungjun smiles a business-like smile and Changyun gets up from the chair, walking towards Jaeyoung.

"Oh! Looking good, hyung!" Jaeyoung praises Changyun, enthusiastic. His new haircut looks refreshing, all set for the hot summer they are in.

"See? I told you I'm a professional." Seungjun says with a smug smile, his hand reaching for the neatly trimmed hair on Changyun's nape as if to confirm a work well done. 

"Okay, I admit this didn't turn out so bad after all." Changyun's voice is quiet and he looks at Seungjun from under his freshly cut bangs, inspecting them with his fingers "Thanks by the way."

"So you do know how to show gratitude!" Changyun opens his mouth to protest, but stops when Seungjun’s eagle eye directs his attention to his face and he quickly reaches for a strand of hair sticking out of place on his forehead. His focused gaze quickly vanishes once he is done, replaced by his smiling eyes once again “You’re looking really handsome, Changyun-ah.”  

Jaeyoung notices how Changyun freezes in place for a second, the inside of his head going empty at Seungjun’s unexpected praise as he seems to struggle to grasp the words in his fumbling hands. Jaeyoung lightly elbows Changyun’s side to bring him back to earth and reminds him he hasn’t paid yet. When Changyun reaches for his wallet the three of them hear a man around their age call for Seungjun in the back of the store. Seungjun goes towards him with a high pitched “hyung” leaving his lips after he asks Jaeyoung and Changyun to wait a minute.

Jaeyoung distractedly and unintentionally focuses on the minimal interactions between those two: he notices the cheeky smile on Seungjun’s lips and the other man’s hand naturally circling his waist; his eyes follow the subtle movement of that same hand now resting comfortably on the small of Seungjun’s back and the glow in his eyes as he attentively listens to something Seungjun says close to him; his gaze is fixed on the unknown man’s warm smile directed at Seungjun, hand finally breaking the contact with his body in an almost hesitant way. Jaeyoung truly feels like he is invading someone else’s privacy; when Changyun clears his throat awkwardly and avoids looking at Seungjun who comes back in a rush, Jaeyoung guesses he must have felt the same.    

“Sorry, I was just arranging some stuff with my ‘boss’. Seems like I’m closing the shop tonight.” Seungjun takes the card from Changyun who stares at him silently, lost in thought “Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something stuck on my face? Ah!” 

Seungjun pauses, flickers his bangs and says in a sultry overdramatic voice:

“Is it because you’ve finally noticed how handsome I am?”

Changyun hugs himself to contain the shivers that run down his body and Jaeyoung’s face turns into a disgusted expression as the two of them smack Seungjun’s sides – that was well deserved, they add.

Seungjun ends up refusing their invitation to dinner – “I’m meeting up with Hyojin tonight”, he says with a small knowing smile towards Jaeyoung –, so that makes their way to a nearby restaurant not nearly as noisy as it would have been had Seungjun come along. Jaeyoung makes use of the short silences between him and Changyun to busily plan his schedule for the following day in his head until the short silences become too long to be considered normal for them. So Jaeyoung looks to his side and finds Changyun deep in thought, his eyebrows furrowed as his mind wanders.

“Hyung, is there something bothering you?”

Changyun still looks ahead as he quietly mutters:

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, you are awfully quiet for once.”

Changyun flinches at Jaeyoung’s questioning eyes, his gaze avoiding him and his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. A string of stuttered “ehm”, “uhm” and "ah…” leaves Changyun’s mouth before he can recollect his thoughts with a sharp intake of breath. He looks straight in Jaeyoung’s direction and tries to let out his train of thoughts in one single take – directly, succinctly, clearly –, yet once again he fails and Jaeyoung mentally sums up the main idea behind his incoherent flurry of mumbled words as a short question: 

“Does that dumbass like guys?”

And Jaeyoung’s answer to that is an automatic: yes, he does.

Of course that straightforward response stays in Jaeyoung’s head because quite clearly it’s not tasteful of a gentleman like him to go around disclosing someone else’s personal information, so instead he gasps in surprise and has a coughing fit at Changyun’s sudden question. Mirroring Changyun’s stutters, Jaeyoung says... 

“I don’t know? I really don’t know? Do I know something about this? How would I know?”

...and at the end of an awkward laugh that sounds more like a low hiss, he asks:

“Are you curious about Seungjun hyung after all?”

If Jaeyoung were a princess tasked with harvesting tomatoes on the field to feed the kingdom peasants, he is certain he would pick up Changyun's face right in that moment by accident – except Jaeyoung isn’t a princess and he is confused as to why this scenario suddenly sprung up in his mind.

“Hey, Jaeyoung... What are you saying? Why would I be curious about that guy, huh? I sure as hell am not. Woah, the absurdity of it all! Me? Curious about him? Ha ha ha. Can you hear that? That’s the sound of my completely uninterested laugh. I’m not one bit interested, you understand? Woah, really… I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you.”

Jaeyoung’s hand reaches for Changyun’s nape much the same way Seungjun did a little earlier, his strong grasp makes Changyun snap his head towards him. 

“I got it already, hyung. Message received.”

Changyun disgruntedly looks ahead again when faced with Jaeyoung’s playful wink accompanied by a finger gun sent his way. Jaeyoung laughs to himself, his arm hanging over Changyun’s shoulder lazily as he notices the red still creeping up the tip of his ears. Changyun can notice Jaeyoung’s gaze and the teasing way his brows arch even when his eyes are stuck on the street ahead, so he clears his throat and complains in a mumble he makes sure it’s still hearable while fanning himself with his hands:

“Ah, why is it so hot tonight?”

"You're staring, Jaeyoung-ah."

Seungjun's sudden words immediately take Jaeyoung out of his daze. This time Changyun was too busy to hang out with them and when Jaeyoung asked if they should just reschedule it for another day, he wondered just when his presence had become such an essential part of meeting up with Seungjun.

"Why? You should meet up with him." so Changyun said the other night, his eyebrow quirked above his stare filled with genuine confusion at Jaeyoung's suggestion. 

It was a stare very similar to the one Seungjun has towards him right now, perhaps not confusion in his case but a slight curiosity mixed with a little bit of drunkenness.

"You even look a little like Changyunie right now. He’s been staring at me a lot recently when he thinks I’m not looking.” yeah, and there it is – Seungjun’s frighteningly acute senses to his surroundings. Jaeyoung hadn’t noticed it himself and before he can say anything more on the subject, Seungjun gives up on that line of thought as quickly as he came up with it “But anyway, you're dying to ask me something, right? Just say it."

It is true Jaeyoung wants to ask Seungjun "something". He wants to ask him that ever since the day Changyun got his haircut. Perhaps even before that; perhaps Jaeyoung wants to ask Seungjun that before Changyun even met him, when talking to Seungjun by himself more often than not sparked faded memories of one day floating adrift in the past. 

So Jaeyoung straightens his back and clears his throat.

"Well... Uhm... I don't want to sound nosy, but..." Seungjun slaps Jaeyoung's back in a friendly way with an enthusiastic out with it already "Are you dating someone, hyung?"

Seungjun blinks and then blinks again. Then he lowers the soju glass in his hand and finally lets it rest on the table of one cheap restaurant near their workplaces.

"Why do you ask?"

Jaeyoung looks up at the ceiling then at the bustling movement outside the restaurant, at anything but Seungjun’s inquisitive stare. A simmering antsy feeling burns his insides much more than the alcohol going down his throat into his veins.

"How should I say this? You and that boss of yours..."

At those words, Seungjun's eyes light up with understanding and he exclaims as a detective that reaches the answer to a case.

"Ah, him! No way, we're not dating!" Seungjun then pauses for a second and scratches the back of his neck in a sheepish movement. His following words are more contained, as if he's sharing a secret privy only to Jaeyoung's ears "Well... I guess we have some sort of relationship. But really, it's just a physical thing."

"Oh, I see..." he seems pretty fond of you though, Jaeyoung keeps that afterthought to himself.

"But why the sudden curiosity?" Seungjun then grins viciously and pokes Jaeyoung's side "Jaeyoung-ah, don't tell me! Are you actually interested in me? Some memories from high school resurfaced after meeting me again or something?"

"Oh my god, hyung. Don't even joke with something like that." Jaeyoung deadpans, but stops on his tracks before Seungjun can even show his typical offended expression. Then Jaeyoung thinks that Seungjun may be actually onto something there "Actually, now that I think about it, my question may have something to do with our time in high school..."

Jaeyoung then allows himself to fully remember, experience, that distant day. Jaeyoung remembers the moment he finds Seungjun crouched in a corner of the room the student council used as their headquarters, his head buried in his arms. Jaeyoung remembers the way Seungjun only looks up after he grasps his shoulder and asks if he's okay in a worried tone. Jaeyoung remembers how Seungjun shuts his eyes for five seconds, putting all of his efforts into swallowing tears close to falling, and then forces a smile for another six as trembling words tumble from his lips:

"Hey, Jaeyoung. Can I kiss you?"

The sensation of Seungjun’s lips against his is long forgotten, but that doesn’t stop Jaeyoung from getting lost in his musings until Seungjun waves a hand in front of his face.

"Woah, you really spaced out!" Seungjun laughs and then downs another glass "So, you were saying..."

"I guess what I'm saying is... I'd be glad if you were happily dating someone, you know… So you wouldn't have to show a sad face like the one from that day again."

Seungjun stares at Jaeyoung, his expression turning sober for just a brief second – one of those "blink and you miss it" moments. Then he turns again, eyes stuck on the empty glass in his hand and a bitter laugh that sounds too much like a resigned sigh to Jaeyoung’s ears.

"That would be nice indeed. Too bad I keep on clinging to hopeless things." a proper sigh escapes Seungjun, followed by a frustrated shout "See? That's why we need Changyunie here. We wouldn't be reminiscing about such a depressing day if he was here pestering us!" 

Jaeyoung smiles at Seungjun, thinks back to all the bickering between him and Changyun and then laughs quietly to himself.

"You actually do like Changyun hyung, right?"

"Of course I do!" Seungjun answers Jaeyoung like that is such an obvious fact that he is genuinely confused whether his question is really a question and not a statement after all.

The red in Seungjun’s cheeks as he laughs and answers Jaeyoung is alcohol induced, perhaps the fact the electric fan in the restaurant simply isn’t enough to deal with the high temperature of that night also contributes to his flush. The red in Seungjun’s cheeks are of a different kind, but it still manages to bring the image of Changyun’s face to Jaeyoung’s mind from a not so distant night. 

If someone asked Jaeyoung for the perfect word to describe his current summer, it would be uneventful.

Seungjun still stops by their place once or twice a week, Changyun still feigns annoyance at his presence in the apartment, Jaeyoung still plays mediator between their ceaseless bickering and sides with the one he finds more convenient at the time. The last incident in the ongoing (fake) feud between Changyun and Seungjun would be the “popsicle incident”. An incident that was quickly solved with no casualties after Seungjun bought Changyun four of the same popsicle he's eaten in secret the other day –"I've only had one though!”, Seungjun cried then – and did an embarrassing and lousy impersonation of some famous actor. "Interest charge because of the popsicle added to life-time trauma due to his lack of fun", Changyun explains as he hands Jaeyoung one of the popsicles after Seungjun leaves their place.

Nothing really changes , Jaeyoung thinks to himself as he lies on his side on the couch with a popsicle stick hanging out of his mouth and watches Changyun getting busy in front of a small stand mirror on the coffee table. Changyun sits on the floor against the couch so Jaeyoung can only see the back of his head and a few glimpses of his reflection in the mirror, his fingers busily touching all over his own face.

"You're staring, Jaeyoung." Changyun turns towards him, face completely covered by a green mask that Jaeyoung is pretty sure he’s already seen on Seungjun’s face at some point in time. That makes Jaeyoung finally burst into laughter.

"You actually do like Seungjun hyung, don't you?" Jaeyoung wipes a tear away from his eyes and then pokes at Changyun's face mask with a grin. The sense of déjà vu befalls him.

"How dare you even imply something like that!" Changyun says in a theatrical way as he lightly slaps Jaeyoung's hand away from his mask. When he turns again to finish inspecting his face, his voice sounds small and muffled "It's not like I hate him. It's not even that I don't like him, it's just..."

Changyun’s voice trails off in a low and inaudible mumble that escapes Jaeyoung’s ears. So he just grins and ruffles Changyun’s hair playfully, full attention going back to the sappy drama playing on the television – the protagonist tearfully professing his love for his romantic interest, both of them going for the kis-

“Is there something going on with that dumbass?”

Jaeyoung stares back at Changyun, head tilted to the side and eyes filled with confusion about what the “something” he mentions can actually be. Changyun seems to notice Jaeyoung’s confusion, so he clears his throat and hums in thought, his hand under his chin. In normal circumstances, Jaeyoung would think Changyun is just posing as a joke, but he can see the exasperation in his expression as he tries his hardest to string together an intelligible sentence.

"It's just..." he begins, a little hesitant "He was crying the other night waiting for you."

Jaeyoung's ears perk up at this.

"Really crying, you know." Changyun's voice sounds like it comes from a place far away from their cramped apartment, his tone even and his eyes fixed somewhere deep inside his memories "That day I got home early and he was already here, crying by himself. I'm terrible at stuff like this so... I didn't know what to do and just let him cry. I wondered if something happened to him, but in the end he didn't say anything and just left after calming down."

Changyun finally turns towards Jaeyoung and his silence is expectant, hoping for an answer.

Memory and logic are quite something – manifesting themselves hand in hand in the most inopportune moments. The remembrance of that day Seungjun and Jaeyoung kissed intermingles with moments spaced out in his time as a college student, when he’d catch a glimpse of Seungjun waiting at the entrance of the building from time to time, expectant gaze directed at one of the windows. Seungjun who was always waiting for the same man and his smiles when he’d see him coming out through the glass doors. The boy back in high school who was waiting for Seungjun at the gate with a far-off gaze while Seungjun hid in a classroom and cried to himself. Different moments that almost poetically rhymes in time.   

There is absolutely no reasonable way Jaeyoung can explain any of that to Changyun.

As soon as the efforts Seungjun went through to hold in his tears that time come to mind, Jaeyoung knows he can't do it. So all he does is mumble something akin to an answer and hope it satisfies Changyun for now.

"I'm just surprised. I never knew that tears could fall off someone's eyes so easily." 

Jaeyoung stares at Changyun who hugs his legs against his chest, knees tucked under his chin, and wonders if he is still talking to him. His voice is quiet and his gaze distant, so Jaeyoung doesn't say anything and just lets the low humming of the fridge fill the silence that weighs on their unspoken thoughts.

Past and current events make Jaeyoung pretty sure Changyun and Seungjun like each other; perhaps it’s a stretch but he'd even dare say the two of them have become actual good friends in the short while they've known each other.

That's why confusion plagues Jaeyoung when Seungjun suddenly vanishes into thin air – Jaeyoung doesn’t receive as many of his overexcited texts and he simply stops coming to their place after work. When Jaeyoung eventually meets Seungjun on his way home and asks him if he wants to have dinner with him and Changyun, he avoids Jaeyoung’s eyes and just tells him he’s too busy with a forced smile.

Changyun being Changyun, he isn’t as skilled as Seungjun at hiding his feelings. So at the simple mention of Seungjun’s name coming from Jaeyoung, Changyun visibly tenses up – his hands stop in place and his expression stiffens. When Jaeyoung adds the information that yes, he saw Seungjun on his way home and he said he’s too busy to come over, his words are like a kick to a defenseless small animal – Changyun’s invisible ears droop and his imaginary tail stops wagging to hang down in a sad motion. Jaeyoung is used to playful fights that fill their apartment with loud bickering that should have already made their neighbors kick them out, not to… whatever is this unbearable situation.

Jaeyoung is familiar with the icy glare and sharp tone in Seungjun’s voice when he is pissed off, so he decides not to press him – really, Seungjun can actually be quite scary when he tries and Jaeyoung isn’t sure he wants to deal with that. It’s also become harder to get in contact with him with the way he’s been clearly avoidant so his only other option is... 

"Has something happened between you and Seungjun hyung?" Jaeyoung asks as soon as he steps into their apartment. Changyun turns towards Jaeyoung from the living room, eyes widening before quickly turning around again "I'm just wondering because I’ve met him at the station again and he still seems pretty weird. Did you guys fight or something like that? Anyway, it mustn’t be so serious that you guys can’t make up like proper adults, right? It’s hard seeing you two like this."

Jaeyoung asks Changyun in a laid back tone, in a casual tone he always uses to ask him about his day at work or the weather in the following day. He waits for an answer and when silence is the only one greeting Jaeyoung home, he goes into the living room and heads straight towards Changyun who gets up at lightning speed at the sound of his approaching steps.

"Changyun hyung, are you listening to me?"

Changyun walks away from Jaeyoung, not a sound leaving his mouth.

"Are you going to be like this every time I mention him now?"

Jaeyoung says almost as a hiss as he stumbles and hits his leg on the corner of the coffee table.

"Hyung! Why aren't you saying anything?"

Changyun is about to head to the hallway leading to his room but Jaeyoung walks towards him with large steps and puts an end to this ridiculous chase as he reaches Changyun's shoulder and turns his suddenly weak body towards him. Jaeyoung's eyes widen and his grasp lightens, his hand sliding down Changyun’s arm until it finds wrapped loosely around his wrist.

"Hyung, are you... crying?"

"I'm not."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Changyun's glistening eyes suddenly seem shocked at the unexpected warmth running down his face – large tears steadily roll down Changyun’s cheeks even when he tries to half-cover half-wipe them with his arms. The more Changyun tries to control himself the more he seems unable to do it, sobs escaping him and making his shoulders shake. Jaeyoung watches Changyun crying and words that he thought were lost in time suddenly echo in his head, his gaze lost in Changyun’s tears.

I never knew that tears could fall off someone's eyes so easily.

Urged by those words whispered by an illusory Changyun residing deep inside his memories, Jaeyoung hugs the real Changyun before his eyes.

“So basically Seungjun hyung showed up here the other day and you ended up talking about love related stuff.”

Nod.

"Then you’ve started bickering as usual, and teased each other about being single or something like that.”

Nod nod.

“And in the end, you got into the topic of his relationship with that guy he works with and probably said something inconsiderate about it."

Nod nod nod.

"And now you are worried you may never see him again because you’ve hurt his feelings."

A single dejected long nod.

Jaeyoung sighs and then bites into a slice of pizza Changyun ordered because apparently that was a "Comfort Food Night Pizza Edition" as proclaimed by him. Changyun himself busily munches his own piece, red puffy eyes focused on Jaeyoung until he gulps down and distractedly brings his hand to support his face, oily fingers against his cheek and all – Jaeyoung grimaces at that and just reaches for Changyun’s hand and cleans it with a napkin. Changyun’s gaze is absent when Jaeyoung proceeds to furiously wipe his cheek.

"It's weird. It’s not like I even care about what kind of relationship people have with each other. I swear I really don’t, but..." Changyun furrows his eyebrows in thought "When it comes to that guy, nothing I want to say comes out right – I mean when I have the intention of actually being nice. I keep wondering what I should say and when I think I’ve finally found the right words, they get all tangled up on the way out. Ah, I never do anything right…”

Changyun sighs for the ninth time that night, his head still hanging down.

“It seems it got even worse since that night! I just keep thinking back on it, wondering what I could have done better to make him stop crying and just get him back to spouting the dumb shit he always does. And when I stop for a second to wonder what the hell I am doing, I notice I just can't get his stupid face out of my head no matter how hard I try and I end up stuck in this vicious cycle in which he’s all I can think about."

Jaeyoung stares at Changyun, his hand still holding the oily napkin. He stares long and hard at Changyun who calmly picks up another slice of pizza and then calmly proceeds to fill up his glass with cola. Jaeyoung stares at the way Changyun calmly picks up his glass and calmly brings it to his mouth when Jaeyoung calmly says...

"Hyung, are you in love with him?"

Changyun spurts the cola all over Jaeyoung, followed by his whines and protests telling Changyun he's doing his laundry this time.

"Wow Jaeyoung, me!? In love? With who? Seungjun? There’s simply no way..." Changyun short circuits – his laugh mechanical, words stuttered and arm swinging against Jaeyoung just like one of those toy robots he used to see on the television when he was a kid. Sparks and smoke come out of Changyun's head, a sizzling sound accompanying his next words as realization dawns upon him "Oh my god. I am in love with that dumbass, aren’t I?"

Jaeyoung laughs and then pats Changyun's shoulder to comfort him, because quite honestly he looks like he needs it with the way his hands pull his hair and eyes look just a little bit like they've witnessed the apocalypse itself. At Jaeyoung's touch Changyun just falls to his side as a lifeless doll before he starts squirming on the couch and letting out one small whine after another.

So that's what they mean when they say love breaks people.

"Jaeyoung… Wait, I think I can see the light...!"

“Yeah, it’s called the sun, hyung.”

Jaeyoung keeps running in place, glancing back at Changyun wheezing and staggering behind him. When Changyun somehow manages to catch up, unceremoniously falling to the ground like a bird shot down from the sky, Jaeyoung is quite happy it's still too early in the morning for anyone to pass by, witness that scene and think he’s just murdered a man in broad daylight.

“I don’t think I can do it… Jaeyoung, go on without me and fetch me a taxi.”

“Hyung, it's only the first day and we've barely started!" Jaeyoung crouches beside Changyun, hand firmly grasping his drooped shoulder. His eyes have the same determined glint from when he encourages his clients at work "Also this was your idea, right?"

"You say that like it's a good thing..."

Well, he has a point there.

Jaeyoung recalls how he's been dragged along to accompany Changyun on a shopping spree, only to have the embarrassing experience of leaving half of his shopping bags behind because of the insufficient balance in his card. Then on another night, Changyun suddenly decides they're not sleeping until they finish a retro game he bought on impulse on his way back home from work – both of them sleep when it's already time to wake up and end up leaving late for work. Friday night comes and Changyun cooks up some cold dish he's found on the internet and turns Jaeyoung into the judge of his culinary masterpiece – it's extremely bland and it's 2 am.  

Working out with Jaeyoung seems to be the most normal idea Changyun has had the last few days. That is until Changyun faces Jaeyoung's morning jog session in the peak of summer and looks more like a gooey puddle on the ground made of sweat and suffering than a proper human being. His legs are melting jelly under the scorching sun and he is pretty sure his lungs aren’t functioning properly anymore.

Jaeyoung watches Changyun still gasping for air with his eyes shut tight to avoid sweat drops getting inside them. Well, he can pretty much guess Changyun's reason for his sudden motivation to not only work out but do everything he's been doing – said reason starts with a “Lee” and ends with a “Seungjun”. Jaeyoung ruffles Changyun's hair with an understanding smile that only makes him stare back with narrowed eyes against the sun.

"Alright, let's go back home." Jaeyoung says and extends his hands towards Changyun who still lies on the ground.

Changyun seems to completely recover his energy at Jaeyoung's words and even suggests they race until the convenience store nearby where they buy their breakfast.

"You said breakfast, but I don't really think ice cream is the best option to start the day. Especially when you've just started working out."

"I've decided just now: working out is not for me." Changyun shoves the ice cream he's just unpacked in Jaeyoung's direction and opens another one for himself "Also, don't complain. I'm treating you here!"

"Don't call your fair punishment for losing a race a treat!" Jaeyoung complains and pokes Changyun's side as he takes the ice cream from his hands.

When the refreshing cold from the ice cream makes contact with his tongue, Jaeyoung notices that Changyun picked his favorite flavor without Jaeyoung even telling him. Such a small detail makes Jaeyoung surprise himself with the amount of little things he's unintentionally and unexpectedly shared with Changyun and vice-versa in the short while since Seungjun has suddenly and intensely invaded their daily lives, just like a summer shower. And it’s in those small details he’s learnt about Changyun that Jaeyoung is able to tell it's not the summer heat effect on Changyun that is making his eyes fix on the melting popsicle in his hands.

"Hyung, I'm sure you and Seungjun hyung will be able to make up."

Jaeyoung watches the increasingly usual smile spring up on Changyun's face – it is that rigid and forced smile that shows up on Changyun's lips without fail every single time Jaeyoung mentions Seungjun's name. It’s quite similar to the one he had when Jaeyoung, after debating with himself for quite some time on how to touch the subject, asks quite hesitant what Changyun would do if by any remote chance Seungjun is already interested in someone – needless to say, Changyun gets the underlying message in Jaeyoung’s awkward tone.

At the mere glimpse of that distinct tilt of his lips, Jaeyoung quickly apologizes, side hugs Changyun and rubs his arm the way a mom does to her child to prevent them from crying. And then back at Jaeyoung's cooing "don't cry, don't cry", Changyun loudly declares:   

"Who needs love when you've got friends, right Jaeyoung?" he sidehugs Jaeyoung back and then playfully slaps his back "Ah! You see that, Jaeyoung? It's the reflection of my feelings right now!"

Changyun points high at the sky that extends beyond them with his popsicle, the blue drops that run down the stick to his hand are like the untainted blue that seems to stretch on forever above them. Jaeyoung looks at the cloudless and immaculate sky and feels his eyes hurt a little from staring at its brilliance. And when Jaeyoung averts his gaze, eyes meeting Changyun’s strained smile, his chest tightens ever so slightly.

So Jaeyoung looks at the sky once more and quietly admits to himself that it’s actually a beautiful sight.

Perhaps it's because the beauty of that blue summer sky is engraved in Jaeyoung’s mind that he becomes set on helping Changyun. Even if it is as Changyun put it and his love is a hopeless one from the start, they do agree that Changyun rather prefer making up with Seungjun at once – of course he starts having second thoughts about it when they also come to the conclusion he has to talk with him, as obvious as that is.

Convincing Changyun to actually talk to Seungjun is the second biggest hurdle Jaeyoung has to face and he surpasses it after depleting half of his lifetime supply of persuasion and patience in a single night.

The remaining half is probably going down the drain as Jaeyoung and Changyun walk side by side in the early hours of morning, heading to the bus station. Jaeyoung makes sure to leave at least half an hour early just so he can stop Changyun from turning and running back home every ten steps and convince him that yes, he's not leaving him alone and no, you are not going to die from this – if anything Jaeyoung thinks he is the one dying by Seungjun's hands if things go south.

When they arrive, Seungjun is already waiting for Jaeyoung with his phone in hand. From a distance, he can't really tell what expression Seungjun has on his face, but when they finally approach him it becomes quite clear that he hadn't expected seeing Changyun that morning. So what leaves his mouth is a single awkward note...

"Ah."

Seungjun avoids his gaze awkwardly, one hand scratching his arm in a nervous motion.

Changyun opens and closes his mouth, completely dumbfounded as the gears in his head immediately come to a halt.

Jaeyoung just holds them by the shoulder before the awkward atmosphere crushes the three of them and pushes them towards the bus entrance with wide steps and a smile.

"Okay, let's cheer up now! We're going to have a fun day at the beach and just enjoy ourselves."

From his right, Changyun shoots him a despaired glance and Jaeyoung doesn't really look to his left just because he’s not sure he wants to find out if Seungjun’s eyes are filled with killing intent for being tricked. So Jaeyoung keeps his eyes trained on Changyun as he gives him an encouraging tap on his shoulder and silently mouths:

"E V E R Y T H I N G I S G O I N G T O B E F I N E."

Jaeyoung at least compromises in sitting between the two of them in their 3 hour trip, much to Changyun's relief. But it's also 6 in the morning and Jaeyoung's eyelids are still heavy from all those badly slept nights he spent with Changyun and his antics, so when the driver hits the engine Jaeyoung already has his head down and his earphones plugged in, sleep knocking him down like a brick.

1 hour and a half into their ride to the beach, the bumping and shaking of the bus against the road wakes Jaeyoung briefly. In his drowsy state, Jaeyoung feels his cheek against a soft surface and hears the muffled sound of Changyun’s voice close to him on his left and then Seungjun’s voice a little more distant from his right. He can't make out the exact content of their conversation with the music still playing from his earphones, but at least he knows they are talking. Peacefully. Jaeyoung keeps his eyes shut tight and doesn’t dare move from the spot he’s lying against – Changyun’s shoulder, he guesses –, hoping not to ruin their moment.

Well, it seems some people are just fated to get along.

With that thought, Jaeyoung smiles quietly to himself and just lets himself drown in the familiar rhythm of their voices and the contained movements of Changyun’s shoulder against his cheek as he talks that lull him to sleep once again.

The next time Jaeyoung wakes up the bus has come to a full stop signaling the ride is over. Jaeyoung’s rude awakening makes his eyes open wide in surprise with Changyun and Seungjun hitting him in the face with fully inflated floats he didn't even know they had brought with them. Jaeyoung is ready to hit them back with whatever he can put his hands on first, but when he chases them out of the bus he sees the big smiles on their faces and the glistening sea reflecting the sun in its soothing waves. The salty breeze greets them and Jaeyoung decides he’s letting them off just this once.

The three of them look like awkward ostriches with the way their legs move to skip all the way towards the sea and escape the burning feeling of the hot sand under their feet. Seungjun and Changyun put their tubes around their waist and try to turn each other over, splashing around aimlessly like two paddling kids – their fight ends in a tie as Jaeyoung comes up from behind them and turns both of them, one after another.

They play a game of rock, paper and scissors to decide who will buy everyone's share of shaved ice and Changyun immediately goes whiny with his typical...

"I would like to raise an objection!"

...because he is sure Seungjun and Jaeyoung conspired against him, as Seungjun just keeps shouting in joy and Jaeyoung just states the facts with a smirk: hyung, you just suck at this game. When Changyun comes back from a nearby store, they eat their shaved ice with toes wiggling on the sand under the shade of a beach umbrella.

When they finish eating, the three of them lie side by side, sunglasses over their eyes as they feel the sweat slowly pooling on their skin and hear the constant sound of the waves coming and going. When Jaeyoung opens his eyes, he finds himself unable to move. He comes back from his drowsy state of mind, looks down and finds his body completely buried in sand – Seungjun and Changyun's laughter echoes all the way from the sea to where Jaeyoung screams his curses at them.  

At some point their stomach grumbling gets stronger than the urge to play around and they force themselves to look for some place to eat. And so they fill themselves with shellfish as they talk over each other – laughing, bickering and making Jaeyoung wonder if those two (actually) fighting was just a heat wave induced illusion after all. 

So Jaeyoung raises his glass filled to the brim with a colorful soft drink and proposes a toast.

"For what?", Seungjun asks.

"Uhm... I don't know. For friendship?"

"Woah! How corny... It's so hot today and I still felt chills all over my body!" 

Changyun says that with an exaggerated grimace at the same time he's the first to clink his glass against Jaeyoung's. Seungjun pauses for a fraction of a second before enthusiastically joining them with a loud cheer that turns some heads their way inside the restaurant. The three of them down their glasses at the same time and let out a refreshed exhale of air, the sound of the ice cubes hitting the bottom of their glasses reverberate as they smile satisfied.

"Now that I think about it..." Seungjun starts and then gestures between him and Jaeyoung "We weren't exactly the best of friends in high school, right?"

"Why do I have the feeling you're going to start dissing me now?"

"No! That's not it! It's just..." Seungjun trails off as if getting lost in his memories "Isn't it funny? We could have gotten closer then, but for us to become friends friends … it ended up happening years and years later."

Jaeyoung never thought about it, but now that Seungjun pointed it out he notices he's right – even if Seungjun was indeed the senior he talked to the most at the time, they’ve never gone past the friendly acquaintances base – and to be quite honest, Seungjun with his social skills was probably the senior most of the school talked to on a regular basis anyway. Hell, he learnt more about Seungjun in the last few weeks than in years of high school. Jaeyoung still mulls over Seungjun’s words when Changyun says:

"Isn't it kind of a given though?"

Both of them look at Changyun, curious at his nonchalant statement. That makes him stop for a while, his head finishes loading all the words available in his memory.

"I mean... the way it took all this time for you to become friends – or at least to notice you are friends. It's kind of a given." Changyun gestures the chopsticks in his hand, like he's winding up his thoughts through that brisk movement "At school, making friends is a big part of the general experience at the time. I guess most people get into school thinking they’ll befriend one or two people, you know? And since almost everyone has the same expectation, becoming and being friends with someone comes to you naturally; you don’t necessarily have to go out of your way to consciously meet and get acquainted with the other guys when you’re living in such a bubble. Most of the time, at least. I guess as you age, it becomes harder making new friends just because you get more responsibilities and your priorities are somewhere else – like making ends meet at the end of the month and stuff I guess. What once was natural isn’t anymore and it becomes harder to catch opportunities to meet people leisurely, so when the chances come up and you actually do find people you get along with you become more conscious of that fact – you actually have that moment of clarity of thinking oh, we are indeed friends now . I don’t know, I think that…” 

Changyun looks up, Seungjun and Jaeyoung are staring intently at him, absorbing every single word coming from him with equally big smiles on their faces. He smiles sheepishly and looks down again.

"I'm stopping here."

"Hyung, let me finish what you were about to say…” Jaeyoung grins and points at Changyun “Since chances of making new friends at our current life stage become rarer, you think we should treasure this relationship we have now, right?”

"Woah, so moving Changyun-ah...!” Seungjun has his hands against his chest “I didn't know you had it in you."

At Seungjun and Jaeyoung's teasing tones, Changyun stuffs his mouth with another piece of shellfish as he mutters in between bites:

"I can’t stand you guys."

“Well you know I love you, right Changyun-ah?”

Seungjun says that in singsong tone and Jaeyoung notices the way Changyun flinches just for a millisecond by his side and he internally sighs because while Seungjun can be extremely sharp for some things, he can also be equally dense for others. “Here’s your reward, hyung” , Jaeyoung picks up another piece of shellfish with his chopsticks and stuffs it into Changyun’s mouth as ruffles his hair to his loud protests and Seungjun’s cheers. 

The day goes by too fast.

That's the bittersweet thought that lingers inside Jaeyoung as he watches the sky gradually changing from the dazzling blue to a warm orange. The mesmerising image of the vanishing half circle beyond the horizon is interrupted by Changyun's drenched silhouette approaching him with heavy steps, right after Seungjun shoves him into the water while playing shoulder wars with some local college kids they've just befriended. He props himself down on the sand next to Jaeyoung and shakes his head like a drenched dog, droplets of water spraying everywhere around him.

"Ah, hyung! I was just done drying myself!"

"That's payback. For making me spend an entire day with that dumbass." Jaeyoung narrows his eyes at Changyun and then gives his arm a light slap, his mouth pursed in a tight line. Changyun feigns pain and rubs the spot Jaeyoung hit him before looking ahead again, an embarrassed smile on his face "Thank you, I guess..."

"I didn't do anything, I just wanted to come to the beach with my friends after all." Jaeyoung's smile is smug as he utters those words just to immediately cover his face with his hands, embarrassed at himself. He feels Changyun's pat on his back and breathes in deeply before looking up again "Well, I am glad you and Seungjun hyung are back to normal."

"Normal, huh..."

Changyun's smile changes to a frown at Jaeyoung's words. He turns towards the sea where Seungjun still plays with the friendly strangers, falling into the water with a loud splash. Changyun muffles a laugh and a quiet "ah, what an idiot" , noticing from the corner of his eye Jaeyoung's curiosity-filled stare at him. So he clears his throat and starts speaking again.

"You know, he told me everything. About... uh... you know, the situation with his best friend and such." oh "I'm glad he did. Really, even if..."

...that means I’ll really never have a chance.

Jaeyoung finds himself completing Changyun's sentence in his head as his gaze falls on Seungjun excitedly waving at them with a smile that matches the vivid sunset behind him. From under the beach umbrella, Jaeyoung wonders what words he can give to Changyun right then. Is there anything he can say in that situation? There really isn't, right? Since words fail him, Jaeyoung just holds Changyun’s shoulder and squeezes it tightly.

They stay like that for a while, until Jaeyoung’s t-shirt gets drenched again as it absorbs the sea coldness from Changyun’s shivering body pressed against him. When Changyun tiredly leans his head against Jaeyoung’s shoulder with closed eyes, he feels a certain warmth spreading throughout his body he isn’t sure whether it comes from the fading sun or from inside him.  

On the way back home, Jaeyoung sits by the window with Changyun squeezed between him and Seungjun. The sounds of the tires against the road, the engine squeak whenever the bus comes to a stop and the light snoring from a passenger fill the space until they overcome the barely audible murmurs shared among the three of them late in the night, slowly turning their chattering sparse. When it turns too sparse, Changyun notices Seungjun is strangely quiet, his thoughtful stare burning holes on his phone screen.

"It's just weird since he never shuts up." he whispers to Jaeyoung as he himself goes pensive.

When they get to the bus terminal, Jaeyoung suddenly gets the reason for Seungjun's sudden silence; Changyun is oblivious until Seungjun calls out for a man near the terminal exit, phone in hands as he seems to look for someone.

"Hyojin!"

Jaeyoung watches the scene unfold before his eyes like it jumped straight out of a movie: Seungjun runs towards Hyojin and passes by Changyun in what feels like a moment in slow motion, the sounds in the background fade into complete silence and a speeding heartbeat makes the air vibrate in anticipation. Jaeyoung truly feels like an extra intruding on a scene in which he should only have been a spectator. 

Changyun watches Seungjun suddenly slapping Hyojin's neck and then to his disgruntled expression, he says "it was a mosquito" with a playful smile while his hand lies still in the same place for a small eternity. Jaeyoung pats Changyun's back and lightly pushes him forward when he notices Seungjun calling them and Hyojin looking in their direction. Changyun only comes out of his trance when he actually hears Hyojin's voice addressing him with a friendly smile.

"So you're Changyun?"

"Ah, I guess. I mean, yeah sure, I am Changyun." Changyun stutters and nods, taken aback by the suddenness of the situation.

"See? Dumb as I've told you." Seungjun leans towards Hyojin, an arm snaking around his shoulders to point towards Changyun with a smirk. Hyojin slaps the hand that points at Changyun and holds Seungjun's wrist in place, his arm hanging loosely from his shoulder.

"Seungjun talks a lot about you." 

Bad things, Seungjun says beside Hyojin and earns himself a pinch on the arm – Seungjun exclaims in pain until the shout turns into a low whine. Changyun watches the way Hyojin's eyes wrinkle and glow as he laughs at Seungjun's pout, a smile he can barely contain on his face. Noticing Changyun's eyes on them, Hyojin clears his throat and turns towards him with the same pleasant smile from before.

"Good things. I mean, behind all of his empty insults he really does say good things."

After engaging in typical small talk with Jaeyoung and making promises of meeting up with people from college that probably will go unfulfilled, Hyojin leaves the station with Seungjun walking close to him.

Changyun watches them quietly.

Jaeyoung watches Changyun’s eyes following them and before he can say anything, Changyun turns towards him with a blank expression and suddenly slaps his neck. Jaeyoung looks at Changyun with his mouth and eyes wide in shock, his hand pressing the stinging spot from the shock of Changyun's fingers against his skin.

"It was a mosquito."

Changyun shows his palm to Jaeyoung and the struggling bug on it, a disgusted expression on his face. Jaeyoung holds Changyun’s wrist in place and picks up the trembling bug by one of its wings, flinging it on the ground. They look at each other for a moment before shivering with contorted faces, frantically rubbing their hands on their t-shirts.

And they laugh, Changyun's eyes curving themselves in their typical fashion and Jaeyoung's loud laughter echoing in the night. When they run out of breath, Changyun looks up at the starry sky with a deep sigh coming out of his lungs along a small chuckle as if to end his sudden fit of laughter. Jaeyoung does the same, and in that moment he can feel the light breeze caressing his skin kinder than usual that night.

Briefly closing his eyes he still has the image of Changyun’s blank expression before Seungjun and Hyojin, and Jaeyoung makes a small wish upon the countless stars over their heads.

“Wanna stop by a convenience store and buy some snacks?”

Jaeyoung opens his eyes to Changyun’s voice a little ahead and stares at him just for a bit.

“Sure, if you’re paying.”

Jaeyoung just asks for the stars to give Changyun a little bit of happiness that night.

“How stingy…”  

The cicadas cry on that hot summer night, filling the comfortable silence in a corner of the world reserved for just the two of them.

The day after their trip, Changyun suggests they marathon all of the Harry Potter series just so he can prove he really is able to impersonate Voldemort – they end up marathoning Crayon Shin-chan movies instead and Jaeyoung finds out he's not the only one who cries while watching them, even when Changyun denies those are tears coming out of his eyes. The following day Changyun comes back from work and shows Jaeyoung his phone displaying the address of some place they could go indoor-fishing and suddenly Jaeyoung finds himself with a fishing rod in hands, watching Changyun shoo away all of the fish with his complaints. They get to Wednesday and Changyun has his hands full of grocery bags and a determined look in his eyes as he grasps Jaeyoung's shoulder and claims he's his assistant for the night; in the crack of dawn both of them are sprawled on the floor, glad they managed to avoid ending up locked in the bathroom throwing up all of the ice cream they made together.

Changyun looks just like a miserable student making each passing second in his last week of summer break worth it – that’s what Jaeyoung thinks of those moments of Changyun's odd excitement. Moments of odd excitement that alternate with ones he just deflates at Jaeyoung's repeating words each passing day: "I've texted Seungjun hyung to invite him over, but he said he's busy".

It takes Jaeyoung the last scoop of the remaining ice cream from the other night for the epiphany to hit him: that’s not the first time Changyun goes through his series of antics cranked up ten notches. Suddenly his odd excitement doesn't seem that odd and Jaeyoung wonders if that could even be called excitement at all. 

So when Jaeyoung does realize it, the first thing he does is crouch in front of the rattling fan, right where Changyun's body is splayed lazily on the floor from where he immediately complains.

"Ah, you're stealing the wind!"

"Just how can someone steal the wind?"

Changyun pushes Jaeyoung's butt and he falls beside him, sluggish like an empty sack of potatoes. Changyun quickly sits up intent on apologizing in a rush but Jaeyoung simply lies by his side, in the same laidback manner Changyun was in before, looking him in the eyes and lazily pating the spot beside him. So Changyun lies down again, both of them wordlessly staring at the ceiling as the clock ticks loudly in the room. 

"Changyun hyung, how are you doing?"

Jaeyoung's voice breaks the silence and Changyun looks to his side.

"You know, you're doing that thing you apparently do when you're overthinking stuff. Or at least trying not to overthink stuff." Jaeyoung pauses, carefully evaluates his words and then looks at Changyun still staring back at him "Is this about Seungjun hyung? Or rather Hyojin hyung? Want to talk about it?"

Changyun lets out a quiet hum, slowly revving up the engine in his head. 

"I think what surprised me the most is that you actually know the infamous best friend. Like know know him." and then Changyun stops, Jaeyoung can see he's contemplating whether his next question is acceptable. He sighs when his eyes meet Jaeyoung's expectant expression "And... I mean... were you always aware of the stuff going on between those two?"

It's Jaeyoung's turn to sigh.

"Unintentionally, yeah. It's not like Seungjun hyung has ever told me or anything like that but stuff happens, right? Seungjun hyung was my senior in high school for two years and after that I ended up going to the same college as Hyojin hyung. Obviously I wasn't in the same class as Seungjun hyung and Hyojin hyung was from a different department, so I wasn’t really close to the – especially to Hyojin hyung on that matter... But I guess you can connect the dots watching those two together even if on a few occasions." Jaeyoung then frowns and looks at Changyun with a serious expression, Changyun would actually call it a pout, if he were to be honest "I'm sorry for not being clear about the whole situation since day one. The thought that you’d actually meet Hyojin hyung didn’t even cross my mind..."

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize, I would find it strange if you actually told me about all his personal stuff. You wouldn't do something like this to Seungjun – or to anyone, for that matter." Changyun pauses "I guess it wouldn't be the Jaeyoung thing to do. Because, you know... you're too kind."

Jaeyoung feels unexplainably giddy at Changyun's words. He puts all of his efforts into holding in a grin but that warm and itchy feeling bubbles up all the way from his chest to his face, and all he can do then is contort it into an unsightly expression that makes Changyun suddenly conscious of his own words. Changyun’s laughter comes out as an awkward huff, a matching smile in tone.  

"What's with that face? You are making this weird!" 

"Why!? What do you expect me to do? You are the one making me embarrassed!"

Jaeyoung shakes Changyun beside him by his shoulder and after a short back and forth of childish “no, you are” and “no you” the silence fills the room again. Jaeyoung's eyes are fixed on the ceiling and he's on the verge of dozing off to the sound of the rattling fan beside him when he hears Changyun's quiet voice.

"He seems to be a nice guy.” Changyun awkwardly adds “Hyojin, I mean."

"Well, that I can’t deny. He is nice indeed."

Changyun brings his hands to his face and squirms on the floor in frustration while Jaeyoung watches the scene and is instantly reminded of that single fish they caught the other night, struggling out of the water until they returned it to the artificial pond. Changyun calms down, breathing in deeply with his face still hidden behind his arms.

"Isn't it weird? I was expecting... no, perhaps I was hoping he’d be some trashy guy so I could have some sort of excuse to dislike him." Changyun's voice gets smaller then and he turns his body away from Jaeyoung, like he's afraid of his eyes "Ah, I'm really, really... I'm terrible."

Jaeyoung turns his body and props his head up on his hand, he stares at Changyun's back that seems to get smaller with each breath he exhales. He grasps Changyun's shoulder tightly, if only to stop him from retracting into himself, and then tries to weigh the words he wants Changyun to hear as accurately as he can.

"Hyung, you like Seungjun hyung. I can tell that. But disliking someone just because the person you are interested in is in love with them is not as natural as you think, so you shouldn't really expect doing that just because you got yourself in this... predicament. Simply disliking Hyojin hyung won't change nor will it prove anything – it won’t change Seungjun’s feelings nor will it prove yours. Also I am 100% sure you would never hate someone for something like this." Jaeyoung's grasp on Changyun's shoulder weakens and a soft smile Changyun is unable to see settles on his lips as he pats his side. Jaeyoung's tone gets quieter, more soothing, and he guesses it's just the truth that seeps into his words "And that's because you are also a kind person, Changyun hyung. I really mean it, you are a kinder person than you believe you are."

Jaeyoung can feel in the palm of his hand the moment Changyun relaxes, tension leaving his shoulders as he reluctantly turns in Jaeyoung's direction again and then suddenly leaps up to his feet with his hand closed in a fist and a determined look in his eyes.

“You are right, Jaeyoung. Hating someone just because they are interested in someone you like isn’t a natural and inherent human response! That’s just the bullshit that mainstream media wants us to gobble down using all those sugar coated dramas about love triangles involving insanely attractive people!”

Jaeyoung blinks at Changyun who extends his fist towards him, as confusion fills his head. Jaeyoung still can’t get used to those odd moments of (unnecessary) eloquence coming from Changyun, so the only thing he does is fistbump him back and shout a supportive:

“Y-yeah, I guess!”

At their touch Changyun deflates like a balloon, his shoulders drop and he goes back to lie on the floor by Jaeyoung’s side with a sigh as he looks straight into his eyes.

"But still, everything is too complicated. This thing about..." Changyun hesitates, like he's unsure if he's using the correct terms "...being in love or something... I just don't get it."   

Looking at Changyun's troubled expression – his lips pursed in a downward line and brows in a frown –, Jaeyoung is sure he himself doesn’t know anything at all about love by that point of his no longer uneventful summer. So when Jaeyoung mindlessly raises his hand and presses his finger against the anxious wrinkles in Changyun’s forehead; when Jaeyoung smiles for no reason at Changyun’s surprised expression; when Jaeyoung hopes he can keep the worries away from Changyun even if just for a little while, he definitely doesn’t know anything at all about that latent feeling sleeping in his chest. 

Jaeyoung is the one who gets the door when Seungjun shows up at their doorstep some nights later unannounced. When his eyes meet Seungjun's, his brain has trouble keeping up with the pace of his mouth, or his entire face for that matter. Jaeyoung tries to hurriedly reach for his words to shove them back inside, but they tumble down his lips and swiftly slip through his fingers; he tries to keep a blank expression, but his eyebrows rise in rhythm with his widening eyes.

"Woah, hyung. What happened to you!?" Jaeyoung quickly lifts his hand to cover his mouth, trying to disguise his expressive reaction with a quiet and ashamed "Ah."

How could he not be shocked though? It's the first time Jaeyoung has seen Seungjun like this. With an empty smile that has trouble reaching his eyes. Eyes swollen and bloodshot, clearly the after effect of intense and long hours of crying. A puffy face that houses an exhausted expression matching the invisible weight on his drooped shoulders.

Seungjun lets out a dejected laugh that sounds more like a scoff as he pats Jaeyoung's arm.

"I see your reaction is honest as always, Jaeyoung-ah."

Then the fake smile vanishes as if Seungjun doesn't have the energy to keep his facial muscles up, like accompanying the motion of his mouth turning downwards his stare also goes downcast. A rare moment of suffocating silence sets in between them until Changyun's head pops up in the corridor with a surprised yelp of "oh, so you're alive". Changyun's eyes narrow at the sight of a silent Seungjun at their doorstep, so he approaches them with quick steps and looks straight into Seungjun’s tired eyes.

"When it comes to that guy, nothing I want to say comes out right – I mean when I have the intention of actually being nice. I keep wondering what I should say and when I think I’ve finally found the right words, they get all tangled up on the way out.”

Those words uttered by Changyun echo in Jaeyoung’s ears with strange clarity then, with such clarity that Jaeyoung believes Changyun can also hear them from where he stands. Changyun can hear his own voice ringing inside Jaeyoung’s head reminding him that he and words usually don’t get along well when Seungjun is concerned, so that’s why Changyun gives up on them entirely.

Changyun takes one step forward, two steps and then three until there’s barely any distance between him and Seungjun. He raises his hand hesitantly and grasps Seungjun’s shoulder tightly, and when their eyes meet Changyun finally pulls him into a hug. It’s a hug that seems to last for a long time and then extend a little more when Seungjun hugs Changyun back.

“Ah, I never do anything right…”

Jaeyoung remembers those words and even now he can’t assertively tell right from wrong when feelings such as those are involved – the feelings of Changyun, Seungjun and Hyojin, perhaps even his own. He doesn’t expect some Love God will just sprung up on them with a manual on how to act and react with the person they like, but when Jaeyoung watches the way Changyun lightly, kindly taps Seungjun’s back… He believes that is one “right” he can’t deny. 

Inevitability.

When the heavy and deafening silence settles in the room and Jaeyoung finds himself looking at Changyun all fidgety on one side and then at Seungjun’s lifeless eyes as he bites into his popsicle on the other, inevitability is the word that comes to Jaeyoung’s mind to describe his entanglement in Changyun and Seungjun’s business. Said entanglement that pushes him against the wall and leaves him stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The rock Lee Changyun and the hard place Lee Seungjun. 

Said rock elbows Jaeyoung’s side when he tries to get a snack from the pile on the table. When Jaeyoung looks at Changyun with an offended scoff, he receives a mumble for an apology that weirdly sounds more like a plea for help.

What the hell, hyung? Where’s your bravado from earlier!?

That’s what Jaeyoung wants to say in such a frustrated tone that every single spoiled child throwing a tantrum in the world would be put to shame in comparison. But Jaeyoung notices Changyun's nervousness radiating from him once again, so he stops his knee jerk reaction in understanding and just pats his back with a sigh, knowing there is no escape from the fact that he is the one addressing the elephant in the room.

"So… want to talk about it, hyung?" Seungjun frowns and at the slight purse of his lips Jaeyoung quickly adds “And before you protest, talking to us might actually help you.”

“It might help me, huh? I’m not sure about that...” Seungjun looks at Changyun then at Jaeyoung and smiles; a smile just a little restrained, tinged with a little bit of resignation.

Seungjun stops then, breathes in deeply and closes his eyes for a while, choosing words that would simply perish in his mouth and never leave it to see the light of day. And Jaeyoung knows that’s their fate, because Jaeyoung knows that Seungjun isn’t someone who allows himself to sincerely open up about his struggles and worries to other people – well except for one person, he guesses; and that means Jaeyoung also knows that it’s too much of a herculean task for Seungjun to put his accumulated years of aching and unfulfilled longing into words. But still… Jaeyoung looks at Changyun and then back at Seungjun.

“Well, hyung… You came here for a reason, right? So don’t worry and just talk to us...” Jaeyoung clears his throat and rubs his hands together in nervousness – he thinks to himself it’s Changyun getting to him “I guess the reason you are here is Hyojin hyung. Am I right?”

Seungjun immediately looks up at Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung can tell he’s ready to dismiss his words with an icy glare and a fake smile to put a lid on the matter altogether, so before he can do that Jaeyoung raises his hand and points at his eyes. Seungjun stops and mimics his motion, bringing his hand to the hot skin around them – a short and bitter laugh leaves him at the sensation on his fingertips as he retracts into the couch.

“Ah, you guys must think I’m pathetic.” he smiles weakly at Changyun and then looks down again “Changyun is right, I am a dumbass, a dumbass who is still suffering from a decade long… crush.”

Seungjun visibly flinches at the last word and Jaeyoung guesses not even him is able to downplay his own feelings to that extent, doing so would be like cutting into a deep part of his own soul. So Seungjun lets out a long sigh, fingers fiddling with the popsicle stick that remains in his hand and face muscles forcing his lips to turn into something he hopes is a smile.

“I’m just an idiot, that’s why I really shouldn’t really burden you guys with this… Also it’s not really like you’ll understand, right?”  

Jaeyoung doesn’t know exactly what it is in Seungjun’s words and his uneven tone that just makes his insides turn, but in that moment the memories merge and mix inside his head: Seungjun watching Hyojin from the beach shore, Changyun watching Seungjun at the entrance of a school. A gaze filled with piercing longing that never reaches its target and tears shed silently inside his stuffy apartment, the outline of every image gets blurred and Jaeyoung’s senses are reduced to a low buzzing he hears in the distance.

It’s amidst his hazy senses that Jaeyoung looks at Changyun by his side, his dead serious eyes fixed on Seungjun and his hands nervously clenching the fabric of his shorts. Ah, that’s it. That's the sight that makes the mist in Jaeyoung's head disperse and reveal the crystal clear image of Changyun's crying face that burns deep in the back of his mind. In that brief moment, every cell of Jaeyoung's body recalls the warmth shared in that hug from a night that seems so distant now, the firm grasp of Changyun's hand on his t-shirt and the feeling of the curve of his shoulder against Jaeyoung's palm.

That's the very real sight that burns in the back of Jaeyoung’s eyes as he gathers his courage and says:

"Hyung, have you ever considered just coming clear about your feelings to Hyojin hyung?"

Seungjun looks at Jaeyoung like he's just gone crazy, almost laughing at his words – and he actually does laugh for one or two seconds until he realizes Jaeyoung is serious, his expression unfaltering. So Seungjun gulps down as if that was the signal for them to start an unending back and forth of whys, what ifs and buts; “why would I risk our relationship just because of the way I – and only I – feel about him", "what if he stops talking to me?”, “but we might never be able to go back to normal again”. All truly reasonable and valid points, Jaeyoung can see that... but at the same time all his brakes have gone haywire and he can’t stop himself anymore. So he breathes in deeply and keeps his words flowing like a cascade:

"Isn't this too cruel on yourself? To keep beating yourself over this decade long unfulfilled love? Hyung, I just think you've suffered long enough. Absolutely nothing's gonna change if you're not more upfront about your feelings with Hyojin hyung. For better or for worse, you're going to be stuck in the same place and dwell on the same feelings over and over." Jaeyoung then thinks for a second about his following words, briefly glancing at Changyun who watches – always watches – Seungjun "You're never going to move on."

Seungjun looks up at Jaeyoung with his jaw clenched tight, Jaeyoung can hear the wordless curses he shoots his way through his eyes. He can’t even bring himself to force a laugh.

"Jaeyoung... Aren't you being too nosy?"

He is, isn't he?

Jaeyoung is surprised at himself actually. He doesn't quite understand how he got so heated up in this discussion that – if he stopped to think about it and were to be quite honest – has nothing to do with him. Jaeyoung wonders and wonders about the reason behind his harsh tone and sharp words and before he can reach a single reasonable explanation, he hears Changyun quickly standing on his feet beside him.

Seungjun and Jaeyoung turn their attention towards Changyun whose gaze avoids both of them as he lets out a series of stutters before sighing and slapping his own cheeks twice. His eyes gain a determined glint as he lets out a frustrated shout and points his finger at Seungjun.

“You! Aren’t you too quick to come to your own conclusions? What the hell are you talking about being a burden? As if you’d cared even once about something like that when you came barging in this place every week! And also, Jaeyoung… I mean, Jaeyoung and I… We care about you – a little. So stop thinking we’re forcing ourselves to be here for you.” Jaeyoung nods frantically and thinks of words to show his agreement, perhaps also smile reassuringly to Seungjun who stares dumbfounded at Changyun. In the end, Jaeyoung does nothing because as soon as he opens his mouth another flustered flurry of words comes straight out of Changyun’s mouth “And what’s that about not being able to understand you!? I mean, your feelings are your own, sure, but being stuck in a one-sided love per se isn’t that special, you know?  I mean even I…! Even I am going through it because...”

Changyun gulps down as if choking with his own words, Seungjun stares at him in confusion and Jaeyoung holds his breath because he is really going to…

“Because! Even I was stupid enough to fall in love with you.”

It’s half past midnight and Jaeyoung is restless. He tosses and turns in his bed while sleep fails to come to him as memories of the last few hours invade his head and replay themselves like a movie behind his eyelids, not giving way for dreams to reach him.

Inside his head, the scene of Changyun unexpectedly confessing to Seungjun plays in a loop – it wasn't romantic nor climatic, Jaeyoung guesses it was just "Changyun" and lets himself smile just a bit. Inside his head, the scene of Seungjun leaving their apartment late in the night plays in a loop – it was a commonplace scene with a subtle twinge of nostalgia, and that too Jaeyoung guesses was just "Seungjun".

When his bedroom suddenly gets too hot and he feels sweat drenching his back, Jaeyoung gives up on sleeping and decides to get a glass of water. The open fridge is the only thing that lights up his face as he feels the cold water filling up the glass in his hand, in that brief moment in the dark Jaeyoung muses and wonders if Changyun is crying by himself right now.

As if his thoughts are given a material form, Jaeyoung stops on his way back to his bedroom when he looks up and finds Changyun on the balcony, back to him and chest against the rail – his silhouette lit up only by the moonlight. Jaeyoung quietly walks to his side and wordlessly clasps his shoulder making Changyun jump and shout as he turns towards him.

“Oh my god, you scared me!” Changyun arches his back forward, hand rubbing his chest trying to calm his heart down “What the hell… What are you doing, Jaeyoung? You almost killed me here!”

Changyun’s face is pale and tears form on the corner of his eyes, probably due to his near death experience from heart failure; Jaeyoung claps like a seal and he also has tears on the verge of falling, though they are there quite clearly for another reason. He tries to appease Changyun by giving him the glass of water he had picked up for himself, which he gulps down before turning towards Jaeyoung again.

“What are you even doing out here at this hour?”

“I just can’t sleep.” Jaeyoung says and then leans against the rail beside Changyun “I guess I should ask you the same then, right hyung?”

Changyun glances at Jaeyoung then smiles resignedly, in his head he knows Jaeyoung is already aware of his answer. 

“I can’t sleep either.”

Jaeyoung’s stare fixes on a strand of hair on Changyun’s head that stands straight up against the night breeze and then at his vague gaze looking ahead. In silence, Jaeyoung looks in the same direction – he can see a few people walking lazily on the street down below, a few windows with the light on in the buildings in front of theirs and gazing upwards the night sky is as clear as a big city sky can be. Which is not much but the sight of a few scattered stars against the pitch black reminds Jaeyoung of something that lights up his expression. Jaeyoung hits his fist against his palm and then rests his hand on Changyun’s shoulder once again.

"Changyun hyung, want to go out for a bit?" 

Changyun arches an eyebrow at Jaeyoung’s expectant eyes and eager smile. Changyun looks down in thought, not knowing if he feels like doing anything but feeling sorry for himself after everything that happened that night. But Changyun looks down and also finds Jaeyoung’s hand extended towards him, a warm and gentle hand that’s so inviting Changyun ends up taking it in his grasp. When he does, Jaeyoung squeezes his hand firmly and at that touch Changyun can’t help but mirror his expression as they run out of the apartment and into the night.

We can't end the summer without these, Changyun hyung! Jaeyoung says excitedly but also perhaps only these ones here since we can't make too much noise and wake up the neighborhood.

And it’s those words that take the two of them to the playground near their building, where Jaeyoung crouches beside Changyun to watch their sparklers casting trembling shadows on the ground. The flying sparks and the sizzling sound are a natural fit for the night signaling the approaching end of Jaeyoung’s 24th summer. The 2nd one spent living with Changyun. The breeze is refreshing in the late hours and allows them to stay close, eyes fixed on the orange hue that shines in their hands.

"Changyun hyung, are you okay?"

Changyun looks back at Jaeyoung, his face lit up by the sparkler in his hand and expression slightly surprised – that question has been becoming so common that Jaeyoung is actually surprised that Changyun doesn’t expect it from him by now.

"You know, with everything that happened back then and..." Jaeyoung watches the molten head dropping from his sparkler and proceeds to catch the next one and light it with a frustrated whine "And well..."

Changyun's expression doesn't change as he keeps his hand steady holding his sparkler and waits for Jaeyoung to keep talking. Jaeyoung's sparkler drops once again and he decides he just isn't fit for lighting up these things, his gaze fixing on Changyun instead.

"Are you fine with the way things are now?"

Changyun sighs at the same time his sparkler burns out.

"Being fine and not being fine... it doesn't make much of a difference, does it?" Changyun picks up another sparkler, the clicking of the lighter accompanying the start of his following words "No matter how I feel about it, it won't change the fact that he likes someone else. I knew that from the beginning."

Jaeyoung blinks and looks at Changyun's sparkler starting to sprinkle their sparks in the air – his eyes shine with their reflection in them as he stares straight at Jaeyoung. Changyun stops dramatically and carefully lifts up the sparkler right between the two of them. Jaeyoung looks at the sparkler and then at Changyun holding it completely still and quiet, his intense gaze fixed on him.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to hypnotize you into forgetting this night. They say this thing is able to do that." Jaeyoung quietly moves Changyun's hand and makes the sparkler go out "I was serious! Why did you do that?"

Jaeyoung pauses and looks straight at Changyun, still holding onto his hand.

"Seriously now hyung, are you really okay? I care about you, you can count on me for whatever you need. If you want to curse Seungjun hyung tonight, I'll keep it a secret from him; if for any unconceivable reason you want to complain about Hyojin hyung's existence, I won't judge and listen to you properly." Jaeyoung gives Changyun's hand a little squeeze that makes him look up "And if you want to cry, I'll stay by your side until you're done."

Changyun scoffs and gets up, dusting off his shorts.

“What are you saying? As if I’ll cry about something like this.”

Jaeyoung also stands up and looking at Changyun in front of him, head down as he dejectedly kicks some pebbles, there is just something in the air that urges Jaeyoung to hug him –  to reach for him and wrap him inside his arms. And when Jaeyoung does that on an impulse, he can feel the surprise in Changyun’s small startled jump.

“Uhm… You know I’m not crying, right Jaeyoung?”

Jaeyoung laughs a little and taps Changyun’s back reassuringly.

“I know, I don’t know why but I just felt like hugging you. Do you want me to let go?”

Changyun shakes his head and Jaeyoung can feel it then, the way Changyun’s shoulders tremble against his hands and the way his own shoulder gradually gets damp in the place he hides his face. Ah, it's just like that time nights ago when Jaeyoung found Changyun crying in their living room except it's also nothing like it, Jaeyoung thinks to himself. The reasons for Changyun's tears might be the same, but when Jaeyoung feels each point of contact of their bodies pressed against each other there is certainly something different from back then. Jaeyoung can't quite put his finger on what is this uncanny difference and wonders if he'll find out if he keeps stroking Changyun's back and patting his shoulders, feeling him crying quietly to himself.

When Changyun stops crying with a shy “is the hypnosis thing still on the table?”, Jaeyoung still doesn’t have his answer. So he breaks their hug with a short laugh and quietly watches Changyun wiping away the last of his tears before he looks up with an awkward smile.

"Ah, I must've looked like a loser then..."

Inside his head, the scenes of Changyun hugging Seungjun and then of Changyun unexpectedly confessing to him play simultaneously in a loop. It wasn't romantic nor climatic, Jaeyoung guesses it was just "Changyun" and lets himself smile just a bit.

"I think you were pretty cool, hyung."

"Really? Well, I guess you're finally seeing me for who I am then."

"I mean you were pretty cool considering your standards."

"Why you... you could've let me have this one." he sighs and pushes Jaeyoung playfully "You know you used to be a nicer guy before!"

Before.

It's such a funny word for Jaeyoung. So many things happened before so many others that Jaeyoung can't exactly pinpoint what period of time Changyun is referring to. Before Jaeyoung helped him realize he's in love with Seungjun? Before Seungjun even showed up in Changyun's life and threw it into this utter chaos? Or simply before they became actual friends? Jaeyoung honestly can't tell, but he doesn't mind because what matters the most extends beyond the “before” right in front of his eyes. So he glances at Changyun and beams at him, throwing an arm around his shoulder as they walk back home.

"Well, too bad then. Because this one right here is the one you’re stuck with now!”

Thinking back on it, Seungjun’s taps on the glass door of the gym, his contained smile and his following words a few days later after that eventful night must have been a senseless premonition of Jaeyoung’s dilemma to come:

“I’m buying you lunch today.”  

So Jaeyoung timidly stares at a bowl full of cold noodles in front of him, catching them with his chopsticks under Seungjun’s intense stare even as he stuffs his mouth – is this really an invitation to lunch or am I being indirectly threatened here? Is there something on my face, hyung?. Jaeyoung’s words make Seungjun's hand holding the chopsticks stop. Seungjun supports his face against his hand and gets lost in thought, a low hum coming out of him in rhythm with his mind.

"I've decided to tell Hyojin about my feelings."

When Seungjun's nonchalant words reach Jaeyoung's ears he immediately chokes and proceeds to hit himself on the chest. Some of the noodles escape his mouth and fall to salvation in his bowl again, making Seungjun laugh at the scene and quickly extend Jaeyoung a napkin.

"Why the shock? Isn't that what you told me to do?" Seungjun asks with a smirk.

Jaeyoung hungrily gulps down a glass of water before speaking again.

"Yeah I did suggest it, but... thinking about it now, I may have been too nosy and out of line. You don't really need to take my word for it, you know. In the end, you should do what you think is best for you, hyung."

Seungjun laughs a little at the quick pace words come out of Jaeyoung's mouth.

"You were nosy alright, but thinking about it now... it was kind of refreshing seeing you like that. I thought ‘woah, Jaeyoung and Changyun are so cool right now’." Jaeyoung doesn't know whether to believe Seungjun's flat tone, but then his voice turns warm in his afterthought and a smile springs up on his lips. He guesses there's some truth behind Seungjun's words after all "And nice. Because you guys were being so nice to me, I thought that I should at least really consider everything you said. Ah, seriously! I thought so hard about it that I even gave myself a headache..."

"And your conclusion is..." Jaeyoung grins as he probes Seungjun who relaxes against the chair with his hands crossed behind his head.

"The conclusion I've arrived at is that thinking too hard wasn't doing me any good and I should just follow my gut. And my gut told me you and Changyunie are probably right. Perhaps I should just believe things are simple even though they aren't and do something to change the situation I'm in right now."

Seungjun's smile is content when he says that and that alone makes Jaeyoung's chest flutter with something akin to relief. And when Seungjun’s next words are filled with an unusual fondness, perhaps what Jaeyoung feels right then is genuine happiness for him.

“I know I’ve already said this, but I’m really thankful to you guys.” Seungjun stops and then laughs to himself “I’ve also noticed then that Changyunie is unexpectedly sharp… and perhaps too nice for his own good.” 

Jaeyoung eyes him curiously, chopsticks still in his mouth as Seungjun smiles again.

“Intentionally or not, I think Changyunie really understood what made me so scared of confessing to Hyojin – you know, the whole thing about him cutting ties with me in case I told him my feelings. Changyun asked me this after confessing, right? 'Do you feel like not talking to me anymore after this?’. I think that really put things in another perspective for me; I don’t think telling me about his feelings was just an act of courage from Changyun, I think it was an act of trust – trust in me and our relationship. And I think I should do the same. I also should place more trust in Hyojin and the relationship between us.”

A sigh escapes Seungjun then and Jaeyoung realizes it’s a sigh different from the ones he’s heard from him in the last few weeks when Changyun was concerned. It isn’t a sigh filled with the willingness to tease nor exasperation, it was content. Satisfied.   

"Ah, I really lost to Changyunie this time! In a lot of ways."

Jaeyoung cackles at Seungjun's frustration as he stuffs his mouth again. He recovers his breathing before saying with a smile.

"You should say that directly to him, you know. Even though he won’t admit it, I’m sure he’d be glad."

Seungjun tilts his head and stares at Jaeyoung in silence for a while.

"Actually Jaeyoung, I've been meaning to ask you this too... Did you know? About Changyun's feelings."

Jaeyoung chokes again, like repeating a scene from not too long ago he hits his chest and reaches for his glass of water once again – at that point he ponders whether he should just ask the waiter for a whole jar. He really must look like a fool, yet Jaeyoung hopes that in the meantime he acts like a fool he can find the right answer in that situation. If he goes by the way Seungjun's lips slightly tilt upwards and his eyes narrow sending a friendly if you dare lie to me these hands are going to make you choke again his way, Jaeyoung is not that stupid to find out which alternative will spare him some years of his life span.

"Yeah, I did."

"Well, it makes sense."

"What makes sense now?"

Seungjun gulps down the last of the noodles in his bowl with a content expression and leans against the back of his chair, hands crossed over his belly. There is a different glint in his eyes now and Jaeyoung is pretty sure it’s not because he’s had a satisfying meal, it’s a glint that suddenly takes him back to his high school years when Seungjun would triumph over him and his classmates in games of deception.

"I just thought it was strange seeing you so adamant about my relationship with Hyojin. I mean you've been following this story for how many years now? Even if unintentionally, you've always been there to watch its development. And only watch, not even once you tried to push me to do something about it. Until that night that is."

Seungjun smiles again and places a finger against his temple, acting like a detective in pursuit of a hot clue. When he points at Jaeyoung, his eyes shine even brighter.

"But now, I can see why you acted the way you did that night. Sure, you were thinking about my feelings then but I think you actually did it for Changyunie."

Seungjun's smile turns smug as his eyebrows rise and his voice turns more confident when he seeks confirmation with an excited right? Right? Just admit I’m right!. Jaeyoung's expression is dumbfounded and the only reason he doesn't let more of his noodles fall off his mouth is because he's already done with his meal. Jaeyoung tries to connect the dots in his head, pick a starting point and trace a line to the next one but all he ends up with is a big and messy scrawl across the big white that represents the inside of his head then.

"I did it for Changyun hyung? Really? Really!? O-oh, I don't even know how to react... Does it really look like that for you, hyung? Woah, this is crazy..." Jaeyoung scratches the back of his neck, then messes his hair frantically and finally asks Seungjun almost breathlessly “Do you really think I acted that way because of Changyun hyung?”

"Woah, incredible!” Seungjun exclaims in awkward English and then laughs again “You're even sounding like him right now! Why are you even asking me that? Aren’t you the one supposed to know what’s going on in your own head?"

Jaeyoung is supposed to know about that alright, but perhaps Seungjun doesn’t know that he is – was – at least ten steps behind the realization that there is something going on his head involving Changyun. When Changyun’s face pops up in his head, Jaeyoung looks up and his eyes meet Seungjun’s smug grin; a movement timely accompanied by the clap of thunder outside and the sudden downpour pelting against the restaurant windows. Jaeyoung and Seungjun jump on their seats, turning their heads at the summer shower with wide eyes.

The heavy raindrops cease quickly and become a light drizzle – they cease before the unsuspecting passersby running outside can find cover and before Jaeyoung and Seungjun can pay their tabs. The heavy raindrops cease quickly and become a light drizzle, leaving behind a faded rainbow spread across the blue sky in the distance as the proof of its brief passage, a senseless summer premonition.

Seungjun's words from that afternoon leave Jaeyoung in a daze.

At work, some of Jaeyoung's clients playfully snap their fingers in front of his eyes to get his attention while some others just exasperatedly sigh and hope he hears the frustration in that passive-aggressive exhale of air. At home, Changyun just loudly claps his hands near Jaeyoung’s ear and he is quick to apologize saying he was just trying to get a fly – Jaeyoung can see the clear mischievous glint in his smiling eyes. Except Jaeyoung is so distracted he barely reacts – to Changyun's distress and his did that really make you angry? that is uttered more times than Jaeyoung expects that night.

So on that same night Jaeyoung repeats the ever growing occurrence of lying restless in bed – tossing, turning and then staring at the ceiling after squirming and tiredly sighing at his own scrambled thoughts.

"You actually did it for Changyunie."

The Seungjun in his memories says matter of factly, stating an obvious fact Jaeyoung should be aware of. Only it is quite clear he isn't. Or wasn't, because the more Jaeyoung thinks about it the more Seungjun's voice turns into his own and he can hear himself saying “you actually did it for Changyun hyung” accompanied by an embarrassed and agonized internal scream.

Seungjun’s acute reasoning or feral gut feeling aside, there is still a chance Jaeyoung is just trying to fit an explanation into “something” that might not even be there if not for his words. But if Jaeyoung can even place the blame on Seungjun’s carefree or careless words for inputting a “something” that’s currently messing with his peaceful state of mind, doesn't it mean he already admits the existence of that “something”? And what the heck is even that “something”!? 

Shim Jaeyoung is reminded of the primal pain of being an infant unable to find the proper words and proper names to properly communicate and satiate his needs. Manifesting this new state of mind in body and soul, Jaeyoung rolls from one side to the other in his bed that turns more into a cradle as he tightly holds his pillow against his chest as a source of comfort. Short of sucking on his own thumb, Jaeyoung truly feels his cognitive capacity has been reduced to that of a newborn.  

Did he meddle in Seungjun and Hyojin’s business because of Changyun?

That thought alone sends a familiar twinge directly to Jaeyoung’s chest and as he brings a hand to the place from where that short and sharp pain spreads – he tightly grasps his shirt and furrows his eyebrows, his lips turn into a slight pout as he thinks that everything is weird, after all. Because see? If that pain can be described as “familiar” then Jaeyoung should have felt it at some point before, right? So he shuts his eyes again and tries to pinpoint any moment that could have been the moment of birth of this foreign sensation.

Scattered pieces of memories come to Jaeyoung then. He thinks of Changyun’s usual stuttering and typical expression when he stops and looks up searching for his words; his loud antics that always walk hand in hand with their lively laughter; his hardworking nature along his roundabout way of showing he cares about those around him. And Jaeyoung forgets the reason he’s thinking all of that because there it is again, the ache that starts from his tightening chest and spreads to all of his extremities like a fever as each moment spent with Changyun pops up in his head and gains a new underlying warm tone that speeds up his heart.

Jaeyoung can feel it against his palm and with that feeling in hand, he gives up on any kind of reasoning with himself. In some deep place inside him, Jaeyoung wonders if that’s how Seungjun came to the decision of confessing to Hyojin – vaguely and tiredly he registers in a mental note that train of thought is getting weird. Weird, but not unpleasant. 

So Jaeyoung breathes in deeply and quiets down, allowing himself to feel that low rumbling in his chest, the warmth that reaches his cheeks and the twitches in the corners of his mouth that force him into an embarrassed smile. 

Weird, but not unpleasant. 

With that final thought, a contained laugh to himself and a feeling of willing resignation, sleep finally overtakes Jaeyoung as he accepts the sensation that blooms quietly in his chest just like the memory behind his eyelids of lit up sparklers on a summer night.

The blue sky is clear and bright that day, to the point of making one’s strain their eyes while looking up. There is not a cloud in sight to cover the sun which means it’s a perfect day to air out the bedding when the once hot breeze now blows a little bit chillier to remind everyone the season change is just around the corner, autumn just about to rise its hand to wave and nod its head at the end of summer’s work shift.

It’s no different in the small apartment shared by Jaeyoung and Changyun. So Jaeyoung shouts from Changyun’s bedroom and asks where he keeps his comforter while Changyun brings inside the dry sheets he's washed and hung earlier that morning.

Changyun flails a pristine sheet with scattered blue stains displayed on it like rough brush strokes smeared on a blank canvas. Jaeyoung is reminded of the day they've ended up there. Just a few days after he had moved in with Changyun, in a season not too different from the scorching summer they are almost leaving behind then, Jaeyoung stuffed the washing machine with his clothes without noticing there was still a sheet inside. Changyun's dismayed expression staring at his work of art makes for a funny memory now and fills his chest with a feeling akin to nostalgia.

It’s a sepia colored time that almost feels like an alternate reality, a reality in which Changyun and Jaeyoung are barely acquaintances. That’s the thought that crosses Jaeyoung’s head as he fondly stares at Changyun in front of him who keeps narrowing his eyes at the sheet in his hands.

Jaeyoung grabs the ends of the sheet on his side and makes them meet the ends in Changyun's grasp. Jaeyoung tilts his head at the sight of their hands close together.

"Huh, we did something like this last year, right? It’s funny thinking we did it by ourselves in our own bedrooms then..."

"It's easier folding these together, isn't it?" Changyun says and takes the sheet from Jaeyoung's hands to fold it twice more.

"You think so? I don't feel it’s that different though."

Changyun's hands stop at Jaeyoung's matter of fact tone and he stares at him, mouth ajar and eyes that send his way a hurt "hey, want to do this by yourself then?". Jaeyoung clasps Changyun's shoulders and his nose scrunches up as he laughs at his indignant expression, apologizing soon after and grabbing another sheet to fold with a smile.

"Well I don’t know about it being easier, but it's certainly a lot more entertaining doing this with you, hyung."

Changyun looks sheepish hearing Jaeyoung's words and gets lost in thought while they finish folding the sheets in between small talk and laughter. When they grab the ends of the comforter to finally take it to the balcony and air it out, Changyun clears his throat and Jaeyoung notices his fidgety eyes. In perfect timing, they look up, their gazes meet and by then Jaeyoung has become acquainted enough with Changyun’s mannerisms to know he has something in his mind as he fumbles with his words and stutters:

"Have you seen him recently?"

Him.

Oh, of course he's talking about Seungjun here. And that's when Jaeyoung remembers something that he shouldn’t have forgotten to begin with:

"Oh! That's right! Seungjun hyung..."

Jaeyoung snaps his fingers and gestures in the air as if trying to buy time to stop his words from tumbling off his mouth in a careless rush. Changyun likes… liked? He likes Seungjun after all – the thought sends a fleeting pain straight to Jaeyoung’s chest, a pain he’s been learning to get used to in the last few days. And because Changyun likes Seungjun, Jaeyoung wonders if it’s the right choice telling him about their last encounter.

“Ah Jaeyoung, you dummy! Changyun isn’t that weak!”

Jaeyoung can hear Seungjun’s teasing voice in his head, his sides can feel his poking as if he’s just beside him. And when Jaeyoung sees Changyun’s expectant expression, he’s convinced of the words uttered by the little Seungjun on his shoulder. Getting any kind of answer is better than getting no answer at all, huh? Jaeyoung breathes in deeply and his voice comes out unusually small as his gaze avoids Changyun.

"He... told me he was going to talk to Hyojin hyung. About his feelings, I mean."

Jaeyoung looks up hesitantly and is met with Changyun's eyes wide in shock only losing to his open mouth ready to spew out an indignant shout.

"Why are you only remembering this now? Tell me this kind of thing sooner!"

"Well, I'm sorry but I was also busy thinking about other stuff too!" 

Namely, you, Jaeyoung frustratingly adds in his head as he looks down and proceeds to take the comforter outside awkwardly, bickering with Changyun along the way. If Jaeyoung hisses as he hits his toe against the coffee table corner, he is quite determined to blame Changyun for that. Except he is no longer quite as determined when Changyun unintentionally – as always – does the Timid Changyun Expression™ at him as he mulls over something in his head.

"And...? How did it work out for him?"

Jaeyoung looks at Changyun, his eyes are downcast and the tip of his ears are tinted just a slight shade of red. Jaeyoung sighs and smiles a small smile.

"I don't know. We didn't really get to talk after that. But..." Jaeyoung stops and remembers Seungjun's relaxed expression when they parted ways at the restaurant. The image Jaeyoung has in his mind of Seungjun’s smile then mirrors the one from when he left their apartment the last time; content and peaceful. Jaeyoung smiles to himself at the thought "You don’t need to worry about him, hyung. He really seemed just fine."

It takes some seconds for Changyun to look up, so Jaeyoung worries for a moment until a quiet mutter escapes his lips. 

"Good for him."

Then Changyun looks up and he has a genuine smile on his face. A genuine smile that gets bigger and livelier when it reaches his eyes, turning them into that familiar crescent moon-like shape Jaeyoung has grown accustomed to.

"I really mean it."

Jaeyoung stares in awe at Changyun standing in front of him. He stares at his bright smile and the equally bright sky behind him and can't help but widen his eyes. It's a scene Jaeyoung had never seen before, not from any song, movie or novel; a scene out of this world that makes his tongue get tied in his throat and his heart skip ten beats at once.

Perhaps it is that blindingly beautiful sight of the clear blue sky that perfectly adorns Changyun's silhouette in that one single passing moment that allows the feelings Jaeyoung's been mulling over for the last few days, the feelings he had never really taken notice in the 24 years he's been living in this world, to overflow and take form in his words.

"Changyun hyung, want to go out with me?"

Before Jaeyoung can fully take in the fact that yes, he's really the one who said those words loud and clear just now and not some doppelganger of him, he brings his hand to his mouth. His eyes meet Changyun's and they let out in unison a single...

"Ah."

Jaeyoung laughs at Changyun's widening eyes and feels his face heating up, he presses his hands against the warmth in his cheeks and laughs even more. He thinks of shrugging his words off, dismissing them as a joke, but really what's the use? If he's going to be honest with himself, he might as well be with Changyun, right? So Jaeyoung smiles, he brightly smiles like never before and tells Changyun the truth that had been building up this entire summer.

"I really might be falling for you, you know?"

As if mirroring Jaeyoung, Changyun blushes. Furiously.

Changyun's mouth opens and closes, Jaeyoung can hear the stutters in his head even when no sound comes out of him. And when Changyun's hands let go of the comforter, they shout as their eyes follow its fall from the balcony all the way to the ground almost in slow motion. Jaeyoung laughs and calls out to him with repeated "hyung, there is an elevator right here!" as he runs after a flustered Changyun that rushes down the flights of stairs to get the comforter back with unintelligible complaints sewn together.

Jaeyoung keeps on laughing as he throws an arm around Changyun's shoulder and messes his hair, glancing at his still red ears. And when Changyun protests and asks Jaeyoung why he is laughing so much, Jaeyoung doesn't really know why himself. But he thinks back on this slowly vanishing summer and the silliness of it all, his eyes glowing at every piece of memory that seems to take a vivid color and his breath hitching at the the thought of a future that stretches before him, ready to be filled with more of those sparkling moments he stores deep inside him.

Jaeyoung doesn't know why he is laughing so much, but something tells him it's just a certain thought that crosses his mind for a brief second and warms him from inside.

Yes, he is truly satisfied with his life.