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Callum blinks awake, eyelids still heavy with sleep because it feels too early even though there’s sunlight flooding through the little gaps in the curtains where they’ve not quite been pulled right, and somehow he knows exactly what day it is. Maybe it’s instinct, or maybe it’s because he’s been thinking about these next few days for longer than he probably should have. Him and Ben have had a conversation about it- about how they want to deal with it because as much as Ben hates to admit it, Callum knows it still affects him too.
Because at the end of the day, it’s not just memories of him tied up in that warehouse that haunts these next few days. It’s thoughts that Ben’s not - sat there wondering where Ben was, how he was, if he was driving himself crazy the way Callum was. Being the stubborn man that he is, Ben will say until he runs out of breath that Callum had it worse, that Ben doesn’t even really remember it, that there’s nothing for Callum to worry about but he likes to think he knows Ben better than anyone.
It’s scary, in a way, to think that you own secrets about someone else- to know things that maybe no one else will ever get to know. Callum kind of loves it though- knowing Ben like no-one else, and thinking that maybe Ben knows him like that too.
It feels like something too huge for right now, when Ben’s still blissfully asleep and the sun casts shadows across the room. It feels like there’s miles between them and that sets something dangerous off deep in his chest, so he curls closer to Ben and presses his chest to the other man’s back where the skin’s warm, curls an arm around his waist and hauls him closer. Callum’s nose ends up pressed into his hair and he inhales a scent that’s so perfectly Ben , and it covers up where he thinks he can almost smell the damp and dirt and fear of a year ago. He covers it all up with Ben, Ben, Ben , and it keeps the memories at bay, at least for a couple of minutes.
Soon Ben’s just drifting awake beside him, probably roused by the sudden feeling of Callum there and he almost feels guilty, but he can’t quite find it in himself to- not when the only thing he wants right now is to be with Ben, to drown out all these memories with him.
Callum presses a kiss to the little crease at the base of his neck and trails them off across the skin of his shoulder. Ben makes a small noise, tiny so he almost doesn’t hear it but it just catches his attention, just as Ben starts to roll himself back and closer to Callum. He keeps kissing as Ben drifts awake just slowly, gentle because they’ve got all the time in the world, and it’s a luxury. They both have busy lives so it’s not often that they actually get to do this- this careful waking up together without the clock ticking minutes before they have to leave, or an overexcited nine year old jumping on their bed. Not that Callum would give any of that up for the world of course, because as much as life is busy now it’s busy with family too, and that’s something he’s never really had. Another luxury that’s starting to feel as though it isn’t one, and it’s blissfully, beautifully unusual and he’s never going to give it up.
The thought of all that makes his heart ache a little, mind going back to last year for a minute and thinking about all he could have missed, everything that could have happened if-
But he knows from experience he’ll drive himself crazy with what if , so he presses closer to Ben instead - if closer is even possible - and tries to let it drown everything that rings in his head out, painting over it with love and family and hope.
Ben groans again a minute later, louder this time and much more awake, and Callum kind of loves that he knows how this goes- how Ben wakes up in the morning.
“Mm, morning,” he says a minute later, voice still heavy with sleep. Callum traces a reply into his skin with a gentle finger, the word morning curling across the back of Ben’s shoulder, followed by a little heart. Ben inhales a little sharply, and the memory drifts back slowly, of the after . It’s not the only time he’s traced love hearts into Ben’s skin - it’s become something of a cheesy habit, doing it even when he knows Ben can hear him - but today maybe it’s a little too close, so he kisses over the skin instead, and Ben turns carefully in his arms so that they’re face to face.
“Sorry,” he says quietly, hand curling into a fist that traces circles around his bare chest, running over the warm skin until a hand comes out to stop it.
“S’okay,” Ben replies, sweeping a thumb across his knuckles and relaxing his hand where he doesn’t even realise it’s clenched. “You been awake long?”
“Nah,” Callum says back, watching where their hands tangle together with a sort of wistful happiness. “About five minutes?”
Ben’s quiet for a minute until his other hand comes under Callum’s chin, nudging it up just gently so that Callum’s looking at him. Their eyes meet, and there’s gentle concern in Ben’s eyes. “Did you sleep okay?”
There’s so much hidden behind the question, because it’s not just that at face value and Callum knows it. It’s Ben’s way of checking if he’s had any nightmares- something that became an embarrassingly frequent thing, around last year. The care with which Ben says it sends a shiver through him, because being considered with that much care is still hard to accept sometimes.
He thinks it through, and there’s a distant memory of waking up when it was still dark, the phantom feeling of chains too tight around his wrists but he also remembers Ben, through the haze of sleep that lies on these memories. “Yeah. Apart from- well, yeah.”
Ben offers him a gentle smile, and a thumb from the hand that’s still lying on his chin sweeps slowly across the skin. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I’m proud of you too,” Callum replies, because he knows no one’s told Ben enough, and he just has to know. There’s just this need in him, to remind Ben of how good he is, how much he loves him. Ben smiles and looks away, then settles himself into Callum’s chest, and for once he doesn’t say anything in objection. It’s a step forward- something.
They end up downstairs, once everyone else is out for the day. They’re reassured by a text from Lola that they’ve got the house to themselves for a while, and it’s like she just knows. Callum wouldn’t be surprised if she remembers all this too, remembers what Ben had been like and he reminds himself to give her a hug later, because he doesn’t know what happened in his absence but she’s convinced that she’d played some part in making sure Ben didn’t do something stupid.
They stay close the whole time, and Callum’s not sure whose benefit it’s for- probably both of them. He feels kind of stupid sitting just outside the door while Ben uses the toilet but he actually can’t bear to be any further away, and he feels slightly better when Ben does the same.
The two of them end up in the kitchen, moving around each other in a careful dance. Callum flicks the kettle on while Ben grabs two mugs from the cupboard. Callum takes a new jar of coffee down from the top shelf that Ben can’t reach (and of course, he teases him a little about it because it’s right there, how could he not?) and Ben gets the hot chocolate from the other cupboard. They don’t have to say anything, just are content in the quiet, a couple of words thrown back and forward here and there. It’s nice in the quiet. Well, it’s nice until it’s properly quiet, when the kettle’s boiled and they’re just waiting for the toaster to pop and there’s too much silence through the house, and Callum remembers-
Ben must know - of course he does - because he flicks the radio on so that it plays just quietly but it’s something else in the all-too-quiet of the house. Something that reminds him that he’s not there.
It’s a song he thinks he recognises, something from years ago by a band he can’t remember the name of but the lyrics sound familiar, and he ends up humming along to them. Ben watches him with curiosity for a minute, before Callum catches him by the hand and pulls him in, so that they’re pressed together, hands intertwining. It’s not really dancing as such, just moving together, bare feet tracking patterns across the kitchen. It feels free, the way Ben laughs at him when he almost runs into the table and the way Ben’s concentrating way too much on where his feet go because he’s ridiculously competitive and he’s determined to be better than Callum. It feels like this freedom is what they both need today, just- a show of everything that they will be together, now that it’s all over.
It’s stupid, really- what sets it all off.
The toaster pops, and it catches him off guard. Except in his head it’s not the toaster popping, because he collides backwards into the table at the same time and it’s Keanu, and the end of the piece of pole that he’s been hitting him with connecting with the floor. Suddenly the hands on him aren’t comfort, they’re restraint and he just needs to get away.
Gentle hands link with his fingers and hold fast, and guide him to the floor. It’s cold, and no, no, no .
The hands slip away, but before he can panic they’re back on his arms, sweeping up and down, constantly moving and that can’t be right, he was alone, all alone-
“Hey, hey. Listen to me. You aren’t there, Callum. You’re here, in the kitchen, with me.”
The voice is careful and kind and familiar , but it can’t be him. Not if Callum’s there.
“No, n-no please. You can’t- you can’t be-”
“Callum, baby, listen to me,” and it’s unmistakably Ben , so he pulls his eyes open-
He’s on the floor of the kitchen in the Mitchell house. Not in that warehouse, not chained up to the wall wondering if he’s ever going to make it out. He’s free , and it all comes rushing back.
“Sorry, sorry- I’m- sorry,” he says, breath still echoing distantly out of his chest, too difficult to catch.
“Hey, you don’t need to apologise,” Ben says, gentle. “You’re doing so well, Cal. Just try take a breath, I’m right here.”
Callum can just about nod and Ben moves to sit next to him, backs against the kitchen counter. They stay there while Callum catches his breath, Ben’s hands a steady pressure where they lay on Callum’s arm, fingers moving just gently to soothe.
“I don’t- I don’t wanna- I don’t-”
“Hey, hey, shhh,” Ben whispers, mouth moving right next to his ear. “You’re fine, you’re safe. I promise you.”
They sit there for a while, Callum’s head coming to rest on Ben’s shoulder because he can’t bear for there to be any space between them. Ben stays quiet mostly, just whispers a little shhh or you’re safe every so often and it becomes like a mantra, like a little melody that he could fall asleep to all over again. He doesn’t, though, because the cold of the kitchen floor is still sending shivers through him. Once he’s breathing is somewhat normal again, he turns back to Ben, their eyes catching again.
“Alright gorgeous?” Ben says, a gentle smile across his face.
Callum snorts “Can’t imagine I’m all that gorgeous like this.”
Ben hums, then takes Callum’s chin in his hand softly to make sure that he doesn’t look away. “You’re never not gorgeous to me.”
It feels like too much, with the things he says and the way his voice sounds and the way he looks at him. He doesn’t know what to say in response, but Callum thinks Ben’s understood anyway.
“Soft,” he says, and Ben laughs.
“Yeah, alright. Come on you, I’m starving.”
The toast gets redone and the mugs reheated and the two of them end up back in bed, because it feels like the best way that they can just be close today. Chances are they’ll get up at some point, but they have all day for that. For now they just feed each other little bites of toast, content just to be together , properly. They end up watching something on Ben’s computer that he proceeds to fall asleep halfway through. It doesn’t bother Callum, of course- he ends up laying down himself, so that Ben can move his head onto Callum’s chest. He tangles his hands in Ben’s hair and just lets that soothe him- the feeling of having Ben close, here . He ends up falling asleep not too long after, tangled with Ben.
When Ben’s eyes flicker open again - when did he even fall asleep? - the first thing that he notices is that he’s alone, and-
He’s alone.
Callum’s gone .
And just like that it’s a year ago, and he’s desperate, pleading, he just wants Callum back!
He shouts out, calls for him even though it’s useless because he’s not there , but he has to try, has to hope beyond hope-
“Ben?”
It can’t be .
Ben looks up, desperate and Callum walks into the doorway, concern written all across his face.
But it can’t be .
“Ben? Hey, hey, I’m right here,” Callum says frantically, arms out to soothe, fix something . “Hey, look at me, baby. I’m right here.”
“No, no- no you- he-”
Callum climbs onto the bed with him and his hands curl up both sides of Ben’s face, almost completely covering it and he sinks into the feeling, because it’s real , he’s really here .
(Back then - back when - it wasn’t uncommon that he’d have dreams of Callum coming home, Callum being there next to him and then wake up to an empty bed, and maybe it’s weird that that still haunts him a little, all this time later.)
“Hey- look at me, Ben,” Callum calls, and their eyes meet again. Real. There . “I’m sorry, I just went to the toilet, I didn’t think you’d be awake. But I’m here, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
Ben can’t hold himself back any longer, and he just throws himself at Callum- arms around his shoulders, head moving to hide in his neck. Ben just stays there like that for a while, just breathing the smell of the other man in, reassuring himself that he’s there and listening to the way Callum whispers I’m here, I’m here right into his ear, just like he’d done for Callum earlier.
It feels like that’s what the two of them are good at- helping each other, soothing the scars that life has left on both of them. Maybe Callum’s better at putting people back together but Ben knows that’s because he’s been doing it most of his life. It feels like something of an honour that Ben gets to do the same for Callum, something that no one has really done for him before.
It feels like maybe they’ll forever be stuck in this circle of comforting and being comforted, with the life that they have around here and maybe that’s something of a bleak thought but if Ben gets to spend the rest of his life being reminded that he’s loved, and reminding Callum that he loves him in return- well, that sounds like a pretty good life.