Chapter Text
Levi would not and could not abide filth.
Venturing outside his immaculate quarters caused enough discomfort as it was. Venturing outside the walls was a different story.
Titan Country was crawling with grime, overrun with disease festering beneath the surface, corpses rotting in overgrown fields.
Levi had watched recruits, soldiers, even his direct superiors, crumble beneath the guilt of watching their comrades die in nasty, brutal ways.
Everyone broke in different ways.
Some wept bitter tears, some were plagued with nightmares.
Levi’s vices appeared in strange ways. His compulsions were tolerated by few, and understood by even less.
On a good day- good being relative- Levi would return from a day of training or an expedition to scrub himself free of filth in a near-scalding shower, satisfied only when his skin was red and every nerve in his body cried out in pain.
But the bad days… they were truly bad.
It had been an admittedly shorter expedition, but Levi had been placed in charge of Mike’s new recruits while the Squad Leader and Commander Erwin planned their next move.
That was their crucial mistake.
Everything had gone wrong after that.
An abnormal had appeared as if out of thin air, and Levi had acted recklessly, impulsively, just like Erwin always told him not to.
He had led children- children who revered him, who idolized him as a hero of men- to their inevitable deaths.
He had their blood on his hands in more ways than one, and by the time he was safe inside the Walls and locked in Erwin’s private bathroom, he had ripped his gear and uniform from his body and was throwing himself into a blisteringly hot shower.
His skin howled in protest, and it wasn’t enough.
He could feel blood on his skin long after it disappeared down the drain, could feel the sticky, hot stuff running down his back and into his mouth, seeping into his lungs, drowning him from within.
He was filthy, more than filthy. He was disgusting.
It was too much. His hands were covered in a perpetual sheen of sweat, and he could not scrub the grime and dirt of the outside world from beneath his nails.
Why couldn’t he get clean?
His breathe was coming in shallow and uneven now, and it wasn’t long before his legs- his useless fucking legs- buckled beneath him.
He was aware of every part of his body, and he hated it. It was too much. He wanted to rend the flesh from his body as if from the corpse of a titan.
Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.
He didn’t know quite when Erwin got there, but suddenly, Levi was warm, and dry, and held tight in the older man’s embrace as he trembled and sobbed brokenly.
He abhorred the idea of Erwin seeing him in such a vulnerable state, Levi’s worst flaws bared for his lover to see, but he couldn’t bring himself to push the other man away.
His own mind and body were betraying him.
All he wanted was escape from the vicious cycle his mind had trapped him in.
He felt so fucking trapped. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no reprieve.
It didn’t matter how many kisses and praises Erwin showered him with, Levi was trapped in his head.
He found himself day after day, standing in place as he closed and opened the same door dozens of times, lifting a glass just to put it back down, or lighting and immediately extinguishing an oil lamp, internally screaming for release.
He found himself throwing out entire loaves of bread when he spotted what looked like mold at first glance on the corner of his slice of toast.
He had been punished for insubordination more than once when it came to throwing away possibly contaminated food, refusing to eat unsavory meals, and- most embarrassing of all- vomiting on the spot when offered a bowl of watery oatmeal.
Most of the other soldiers looked at him in judgement, and though his inferiors knew by now to keep their mouths shut, Levi had sent more than one recruit sprawling to the ground for a slighting comment about his compulsions.
Erwin and Hange were the only people who had really tried to understand his obsessive mindset and compulsive behaviors.
They were the only people he trusted enough not to ridicule and belittle him on a bad day, when he was in a fragile headspace.
And so it was in Hange and Erwin that Captain Levi Ackerman, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, found solace.
He nuzzled further into the juncture between Erwin’s neck and shoulder to avoid meeting the others’ eyes, feigning sleep.
“I know you’re awake, darling boy,” murmured Erwin, carding a hand through Levi’s basalt black hair.
He shivered at the pleasant, comforting feeling of being held and petted.
“C’mon, faker,” added Hange, poking him softly. “Have some water, you look like you need it.”
He groaned but obliged, taking a glass of water from Hange and silently begging for her to take it back from him when he found himself unable to stop tapping the side. She did so, and Levi whined childishly, diving back into Erwin’s arms.
Traitorous tears stung at his eyes.
Fuck.
“How do you feel, Levi?” asked Hange, a little softer.
“Like shit,” he grumbled, not bothering to elaborate. The others knew him well enough to recognize when his obsessive-compulsive disorder was spiraling out of his control.
“Of course you do,” replied Hange bluntly. “You’ve been running yourself ragged with the expedition, don’t pretend you haven’t!”
Levi let out an impatient huff.
“She’s right, love,” said Erwin, rubbing soothing circles into Levi’s back. “You need rest; you will feel better once you’ve slept.”
“I’ll feel better once I’m clean,” was the clipped reply. Erwin drew him closer. Hange only sighed in response.
“Love… your mind is a battlefield right now. It’s natural to feel unclean when your brain is so full of death and carnage. Your body is clean. I promise you this, Levi. Once your mind is refreshed, you will realize that it was your mind playing tricks on you, trying to keep you in the dark. Sleep now, sweet boy.”
Levi searched his eyes for any trace of a lie.
He wanted to fight back, to continue scrubbing at his skin until his flesh was finally sterile, clean…
But there was truth in Erwin’s words. His mind was truly what was so unclean.
"We'll keep you safe and clean," said Hange bracingly, giving his hand a squeeze.
"That had better be a promise, Squad Leader," he grumbled, turning onto his side.
"Hush, you two," murmured Erwin, placing a kiss atop Levi's head.
He was so tired.
Levi nestled in between his lovers, feeling ever so small, and pitched into the forgiving abyss of sleep.