Chapter Text
Gail McNally looked up at the sound of an uncomfortable sigh from her boss. Stella didn’t look good. She was pale and it was clear that she was trying to hide whatever discomfort she was feeling. She’d been that way ever since the doctor had given them a room to sit in while they waited on news of Rose and Spector’s conditions.
“Gail, would you mind asking around to see if anyone has any painkillers?”
“Of course, Ma’am.” Gail answered, already on her feet. “Any specific kind?”
Stella shook her head. “Anything, just be discreet.”
With a nod, Gail left the room in a bid to find any of their colleagues. It shouldn’t be hard, the hospital was still swimming with officers, one of them must have some form of pain relief.
Four unsuccessful attempts later, Gail sighed in frustration, considering whether it would be easier just to find the nearest shop and buy some herself.
“Everything okay?” Gail almost jumped out of her skin and turned to face the doctor regarding her with an odd look. “I’ve heard you ask a number of people for painkillers now, is there anything I can do?”
Gail shook her head, unwilling to say much. He didn’t look convinced. “My boss…”
Realisation took over the doctor’s face and he nodded. He asked her to give them some privacy before he disappeared back to the room in which she’d left Stella.
...
Joe O’Donnell frowned in concern when Stella didn’t look up at the sound of his footsteps. The detective was slumped in a chair, one hand clutching her abdomen, bent over with her other arm resting on her knee, her head hanging low and shielding her face with her hair.
“Hey you.” Stella finally looked up at his voice and looked surprised to see him leaning by the doorway. “A little birdie told me you were looking for pain relief.”
Stella’s face dropped as the doctor came to sit a couple of seats over, angling himself to look at her. “She didn’t…”
“No you’re right, she didn’t.” O’Donnell assured her. “I overheard her ask about three different people before I told her I’d come see you. What’s bothering you?”
“It’s fine. I’m fine, really. I can manage without.” Stella brushed him off, cursing herself for the unconvincing tone her voice took on.
“Must be something if you’re willing to ask your right hand to go looking for you.” O’Donnell shrugged. “I think she was on the verge of giving up and just driving to the shops before I piped up. So what’s up? And before you try to lie to me. You look like shit, by the way. And I don’t think it’s down to recent events. I’m a doctor remember.”
When the blonde still didn’t open her mouth, he sighed. “Stella, the people who ask for pain relief the loudest are rarely the ones who need it most. The ones who suffer in silence are usually the ones in desperate need. Let me help you.”
She sighed and looked away from him, keeping her eyes on the table in front of them.
“I just have a headache…” one look at the doctor told her he wasn’t buying it. “…and I’m miscarrying again.”
He nodded once with an understanding sigh. “Scale of one to ten. One being not an issue, don’t really notice, and ten being worst pain you’ve ever felt, can’t speak through it. Where would you say your pain level is?”
Stella bit her lip as she considered it for a moment. “A seven, I think.”
O’Donnell stood as she finally met his eyes. “Come with me.”
Her head dropped back against the wall behind her and she let out an involuntary moan of pain, prompting the doctor to hold his hand out to help her up. He carefully steadied her on her feet before guiding her out of the room. They moved through the open area to a private cubicle on the other side of the emergency department.
She was grateful for his attempts to shield her from view of her colleagues though she knew it was futile, their eyes had fallen on her as soon as she had stepped into the open.
Averting her eyes, Stella took a seat on the bed indicated by the doctor, relief filling her when he pulled the curtain around the space as a nurse came to take her details.
“Full name? Including any middle names?”
“Stella Victoria Gibson.”
“Birthdate?”
“Ninth of August nineteen seventy four.”
“Who is your emergency contact? And their relation to you?”
“My sister, Scarlett Gibson-Ford.”
O’Donnell looked her over carefully while she answered the nurse’s questions. When the young woman turned away, he began his own round of questioning, ensuring not to be patronising in his understanding of her pain.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Eight days.”
“How many weeks were you when you started bleeding?”
“Just over nine.”
“You said ‘again’ earlier when you told me you’re miscarrying, how many times has this happened before?”
“This is number five.”
“I’m sorry.”
Stella only shrugged as the nurse returned to hand a form to Joe to order the painkillers.
“Have your previous miscarriages been similar to each other and this one or do they vary?”
“Generally they’re similar.”
“Can you tell me how they usually go and how they compare to this time?”
Stella sighed. “Usually they’re almost over by now. With the last few the bleeding stopped after seven or eight days, but it’s not extremely heavy. The cramps are bad but no more so than if I was on my period.”
“And this one?” O’Donnell prompted carefully.
“The bleeding is a lot heavier. It’s not showing any signs of stopping soon. The pain is much worse.”
“Have you seen a doctor since it started?”
“Yes, I went to Ulster when I noticed the bleeding.”
“Okay, Stella. I’m gonna have them give you another ultrasound just to see if we can tell what’s going on. I’m sure you’ll know it can take up to fourteen days to pass the tissue, but given your level of pain, I’m not willing to wait that long. It could be the stress you’re under that is behind the excessive pain but I’d rather be safe than sorry, so once you’ve had the scan we’ll get you the painkillers I promised you. Have you eaten today?”
“You think I might need surgery…” Stella seemed to sag at the question. “No. Not since first thing this morning, I haven’t had anything to drink in the last six or so hours either.”
“I won’t lie, the D&C is a possibility. But it depends on how the scan goes. If you really don’t want it, there are alternatives. Once you go for your scan, you’ll be discharged from my care and a more specialised doctor will take over. They’ll be able to talk you through the procedure and your alternative options.”
“Thank you.”
O’Donnell only nodded, unsure of what to say to her. She spoke up again just as he moved to leave the cubicle.
“Please can you do something for me? Don’t mention this to anyone. PC Ferrington knows, but nobody else even knew I was pregnant. I don’t want to feed the rumour mill.”
“Of course.” O’Donnell wasn’t about to remind her that he was bound by the law not to say anything anyway. “Can we call someone for you? You’ll need someone to take you home later. What about your sister?”
“No. Please don’t. If anything she’ll make this worse.” Stella sighed when she realised what she’d said. It was unlike her to share any personal information but given the details she had just given the doctor, a hint at a strained sibling relationship was nothing.
O’Donnell thankfully didn’t comment on the statement. “Is there anyone you’d rather call? A friend or partner maybe?”
Tears filled Stella’s eyes and the doctor couldn’t help but wonder what he’d accidentally stumbled upon. Stella sighed and he realised that she had been trying for the past week to deal with the miscarriage alone.
“My girlfriend. Dana Scully. She’s a doctor at St Thomas’ Hospital in London. She should be at work but I can give you her private number just in case.”
“Of course. I’ll have someone call her now.” O’Donnell said, jotting down the number from Stella’s phone screen.
“Thank you. For everything.” Stella gave him a strained smile as an orderly appeared to take her for the ultrasound.
...
Stella was vaguely aware of someone saying her name.
“Leave the mask on and just lie still for now.”
With a soft sigh, Stella peeled her eyes open, waiting for them to focus. When they did, the time shown on the clock opposite her bed surprised her.
“What happened?” Her voice was groggy and it took more effort than she expected to turn her head to look at the woman to her left.
“You had your surgery, love.” The nurse was kind as she carefully removed the oxygen mask now that the blonde was awake. “The doctor will be back shortly to speak with you and then we’ll move you back upstairs before we send you home.”
Stella only nodded and closed her eyes again. Her body still felt heavy but she knew it was just the effects of the anaesthesia that had yet to wear off. She forced her eyes open again at the sound of a different voice saying her name and was met with the sight of her doctor standing at the end of her bed.
“Hi, Stella. How are you feeling?” She barely managed a soft, tired groan before the doctor smiled and continued. “The procedure went well. Now that you’re awake we’ll call the nurses to come take you back upstairs to recover. You may have a backache or cramps similar to menstrual cramps, you may pass small blood clots for the next few days. It’s possible you might have some light bleeding for a few weeks but if it becomes heavier come back and see us. You’ll probably be back to normal within a day or two but it is normal to be uncomfortable for a few weeks. Any questions?”
Stella shook her head, she still felt foggy and was sure she hadn’t taken in a word the doctor had said.”
“If you have any later just ask one of your nurses.”
The woman smiled before she disappeared, leaving Stella to close her eyes again for a brief moment. She recognised the sounds of the nurses’ voices. They’d been kind and helpful before she’d been taken for the surgery, they had informed her that Dana was leaving work to find a flight to Belfast. They had even offered to coordinate with Dani to ensure Dana wasn’t left stranded at the airport. It was well beyond their job description and she appreciated it greatly.
“There’s a rather worried redhead waiting upstairs for you. She’s barely sat down since she got here.”
A wave of guilt washed over Stella and made her stomach clench. She hadn’t even told Dana she was pregnant never mind informed her of the miscarriage. Now it felt like it would be a punch in the gut to her girlfriend for her to find out this way.
“How much does she know?” Stella asked as the nurses wheeled her bed into the elevator.
“Only that you were admitted through A&E for a small surgical procedure. Legally we’re not allowed to tell her anything else. We did try to assure her that it was nothing life threatening and that you’ll be able to go home tonight, but I don’t think she’ll believe us until she sees you for herself.”
The guilt only intensified the nearer to the ward they got. Stella knew that Dana would be in the waiting room but she doubted she’d have more than a few moments alone to get her story straight. She sighed and dragged a hand over her face.
They had barely been together for two months, had only squeezed in a handful of real dates and now here she was. The redhead had dropped everything and flown to Belfast without question, despite knowing nothing of the baby Stella had just lost.
She should’ve known. Stella knew that now. She wished she’d told Dana earlier. Instead of telling her she’d been pregnant and now wasn’t all in one breath. She wouldn’t be surprised if Dana got upset. Or even left her. It was understandable. She’d known she was pregnant the entire time. Hell, the whole thing had been meticulously planned. There would be no dancing around the truth now. Dana deserved that at the very least.
She was still groggy as the nurses transferred her back into the bed she’d been in before the surgery, thanking them when they placed the extra two blankets over her.
“Is it okay if we let her in now or do you need a few minutes?”
Stella gave the nurse a small smile and a shake of her head. “She can come in.”
It was barely two minutes later when Stella heard the hurried footsteps approaching her room. She felt hot tears burning her eyes at the sight of her worried girlfriend and as soon as Dana took a step towards her, the dam broke.
Stella sobbed the way she hadn’t allowed herself to all week, letting go of all the heartbreak she had been carrying since her first trip to the hospital. Dana was quick to carefully wrap her in a comforting hug, perching on the edge of the bed.
“My baby…”
Dana’s heart plummeted at the broken whisper that was choked out on a sob and she pulled back ever so slightly to look at Stella’s teary face. The blonde shut her eyes and swallowed a lump in her throat, refusing to look up as she tried again, her voice cracked, still barely above a whisper.
“I lost my baby.”
Dana said nothing. There was nothing she could say to take Stella’s pain away so instead she pulled the blonde back into her, cradling her head against her chest. “I’m so sorry.”
They stayed that way for what felt like hours. At some point a nurse appeared to drop off some toast and a cup of tea for Stella, accepting a wordless nod of thanks from Dana on her way out.
Dana’s mind was spinning as she sat on the bed, holding Stella to her chest. She had never seen Stella shed a tear much less cry so openly. The sobs had softened but Stella had yet to move and Dana wasn’t about to force her. She would hold her for as long as she needed. She had so many questions but now absolutely was not the time. Stella would tell her when she was ready, and until then, she wouldn’t push it.
“I’m sorry.” Stella’s soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she frowned in confusion as the blonde sat up. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. What are you sorry for?” Dana asked softly, her eyes searching her girlfriend’s face.
“I’m sorry I- I didn’t tell you an- anything.” The sobs came back with a vengeance as she hiccupped her way through the statement. “I understand if you- you want to go.”
Dana’s heart broke. “No. No. Don’t say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, Stella.”
The blonde shook her head and took in a gasping breath. “I should ha- have told you.”
“It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.” Dana assured her, reaching across in an attempt to wipe the fresh tears from under the blonde’s eyes. “Take a nice deep breath for me. Follow my breathing.”
Stella did as she was told, mimicking Dana’s exaggerated breathing until it was easier to fill her lungs again.
“Good. Now I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m not leaving here without you.”
“You didn’t have to come all the way here for me.”
Dana shook her head. “I didn’t want you to be alone.”
Stella said nothing but met the redhead’s eyes for a moment, showing her gratitude. She felt sick and she didn’t particularly want to ingest anything but she found herself unable to refuse Dana when she tentatively suggested she drink the tea and try the toast the nurse had brought.
With the tea and toast finished, Stella took a deep breath and looked up at Dana’s face. “I should have told you.”
Dana sighed. She wished she’d known Stella was pregnant, wished she’d known that something was wrong. But there was nothing she could do about it now. All she could do was be there for the blonde. “It’s okay. What can I do to help you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can I just hold you?” Dana asked. She waited for Stella’s nod before she kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed, settling them both against the pillows.
It was a few hours later that they both stirred awake to the sound of a nurse entering the room.
“Sorry to disturb you both. I’m Jess.” Jess smiled softly after introducing herself. “How are you feeling Stella?”
Stella took a moment, she was sure the nurse wouldn’t appreciate it if she just said ‘numb’. “I’m okay. When can I go home?”
“That’s why I’m here. You’ve had something to eat and drink and you have someone who can stay with you for the next twenty four hours. So if you’re able to get to the bathroom and have a pee, we can discharge you. There’s no rush though, so just take your time. If you need anything just press your button.”
“Thank you.”
With the nurse gone, Dana pushed herself into a more upright position while Stella remained against the slightly raised mattress. “How are you really feeling?”
Stella sighed sadly. “Like shit. Everything still feels heavy and the cramps are uncomfortable.”
“Painful?”
Stella shook her head. “No. Not anymore. Just uncomfortable now.”
“Do you feel ready to try to get to the bathroom? I can help you if you need it.” Dana offered as Stella nodded and pushed herself upright, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “Oh wait there, I’ll go find some socks for you to wear. You really don’t wanna walk barefoot in a hospital bathroom.”
The blonde did as she was told and waited until Dana returned with a pair of grippy hospital socks and helped her put them on. One slightly unsteady walk to the bathroom and back later, they were back on the bed.
Before either one could say anything there was a knock at the door and they turned to see Jess standing in the doorway, her arms full of Stella’s belongings.
“Dr O’Donnell sent these up while you were asleep.”
Stella thanked her and she simply nodded before leaving the two women alone again. With the door closed, Stella started looking through the bag, searching for whatever comfortable clothes Gail had found for her earlier.
She allowed Dana to untie her gown, not bothering to cover up as she dressed herself, relishing in the soft material of the top. All she wanted was to curl up in bed with Dana and sleep for a week. She wanted to go home. Leave Belfast and all of the heartache it had brought in the past.
It wasn’t until they were nearly in the car park that Stella realised they had no way of getting back to the hotel. But then as if reading her mind, Dana spoke.
“Dani and her partner brought your car while you were in surgery. She gave me the keys and the address of your hotel.”
Stella sighed in relief at the realisation that she wouldn’t have to sit through a taxi ride of small talk. Without a word, she followed Dana through the car park to where Dani said she had left the BMW.
…
The journey from hospital to hotel had been wordless. Stella had stared out of the window into the night the entire time while Dana focused on the road, occasionally sending concerned glances to her girlfriend.
Now, Stella was curled up on top of the bed while Dana changed out of the clothes she’d been wearing at work. The blonde sighed when the redhead approached the bed and sat down across from her.
“I know you said I don’t have to be sorry. But regardless of what you say, we both know I should have told you I was pregnant.” Stella began. “I wish I had.”
“I wish you had, but only so that I could have been here for you sooner.” Dana told her and gave her ankle a gentle squeeze. “What happened? We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”
The blonde blew out a long breath and felt tears threatening to sting her eyes again. “This is the fifth time this has happened. Every other time I got pregnant it was an accident. A couple were when I was in brief relationships, the other two pregnancies were the results of my careless behaviour in the past. But this time I planned it…
“The last time I was pregnant, I found myself picturing what life would look like with a baby. What they’d look like, what kind of future they’d have, what kind of person they’d be. So when I miscarried it hit me hard. After a while I decided that I’d look into using a donor and going through IVF on my own. And then I did it.” Stella took a deep breath, staring at the duvet as she continued. “I found out it took the day before I met you. At that point I was so happy but terrified to say anything in case it went wrong. But the more time we spent together and the more I got to know you, the more I wanted to tell you. But it never seemed like the right time. I didn’t want to dump it on you and then have you run for the hills. So then I thought I’d tell you after the review. But the case grew, and then…”
“Then?” Dana pushed softly when Stella faltered.
“Then a week, eight days ago, I woke up bleeding I went to a different hospital and they did a scan and there was no heartbeat.” Stella swallowed a lump in her throat and let out a quiet sob. “So I thought that I could cope on my own, that I’d feel a bit better by the time the case was closed and I was coming home. I didn’t want you to be upset with me for not telling you. It was never that I don’t trust you. I was just scared. Of this. But now I know I should’ve.”
“Hey.” Dana gently interrupted Stella’s rambling. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I wish I could’ve been there for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I’m glad you called.”
Stella said nothing more but allowed herself to collapse into Dana’s embrace, revelling in the feeling of being held as she let herself cry again.
“I just wanted a baby.”
“You’ll have one.” Dana murmured into Stella’s hair. “I know it hurts but you’ll have one, Stella, I can feel it.”
It was barely five hours later that Dana sat on the bed, watching as Stella dressed herself for work. She’d showered just before they had gone to sleep, determined to get rid of the hospital smell. Dana had dried and styled her hair for her when it became apparent that Stella had lost the will to do it herself.
Now, despite her pleas, Stella was zipping her leather skirt and stepping into her stilettos. She’d been insistent that she had to work. Her pain was nothing in comparison to the victims’ families, and if she was honest, she was in less pain today than she had been in the past week. If she didn’t count emotional pain that was.
Emotionally it seemed like the reality of her loss was just beginning to sink in. She’d been suppressing it for almost nine days, focussing on work and not allowing herself to register what was happening. But upon seeing Dana in the hospital last night, it had all hit her at once. Right now she was feeling more numb than anything else, but she wasn’t sure of the last time she had felt quite this fragile.
“At least let me drive you.”
Stella turned at the sound of Dana’s voice. “I’m okay.”
“I know. But I’m a doctor and you had surgery with a general anaesthetic less than twelve hours ago.”
“Does it count as surgery if they didn’t cut me open?”
Dana sighed and suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at Stella’s almost combative question. Really it seemed more like a statement.
“I know you’re not looking for an answer but yes, actually.” Dana informed her as she stood to get dressed. “Besides it’s not the surgery that’s the issue. It’s the impact of the anaesthetic, you may feel okay but your reaction times may be slower. You shouldn’t even really be going to work but there’s nothing I can do to stop you. Please. Just let me drive you. I know you’re capable. But you don’t have to do everything on your own.”
Stella’s shoulders sagged and she let out a soft sigh with a nod. “Okay.”
“Okay. You can just call me if you want a ride home. No matter the time. Or if Dani or someone is going to bring you, let me know.” Dana told her. “Please don’t sleep in your office tonight. You need a real bed. After tonight, you can do as you usually would. I’ll be fine here. But please not tonight.”
“I’m not a child.” Stella snapped. She softened immediately when she saw Dana’s face fall. “I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to look out for me. I’m not used to it is all.”
Dana nodded. “I know. I’m sorry for smothering you. I’m just worried. I’m not sure where your head is at right now.”
There was a small silence as Stella stared at the ground. When she looked up her eyes were red with unshed tears. “Neither am I. But I have to go to work.”
“I know.”
…
Joe O’Donnell hovered outside the Operation Musicman offices as he waited for the morning briefing to finish. He’d finished work yesterday to a voicemail from DCI Eastwood, asking that he make himself available at the earliest convenience to give a statement regarding his part in treating both Spector and Rose.
It wasn’t long before an officer found him loitering outside and nodded for him to follow her into the office. He’d never been intimidated by the police, he saw enough of them in his line of work that they were just people to him. But something about being led into the middle of a task force briefing, with some of the best officers the city had to offer made him shift uneasily.
He looked around, unsurprised when a man stopped talking and he heard Stella Gibson’s voice. He would’ve liked to think that she would at least have taken the day off, but he realised that that wasn’t in her nature.
O’Donnell looked over her. She gave him a small smile when she noticed his presence but kept talking. She looked like shit. She’d been in surgery when his shift ended at eight and he knew it would have at least been a few hours until she was released afterwards. Her leather skirt and silk shirt wardrobe was no different from the outfits he’d seen on TV, and he realised only now that they may be some kind of safety net.
When he’d seen her in the hospital the day before, she’d started off in a practical pair of trousers and a jumper. By the time McNally had found him, Stella had changed into a slightly less expensive looking skirt and blouse combo. Her hair was no different to usual, either. But he could see the exhaustion in her face. She wore no makeup despite the very little she seemed to wear already, and her eyes were red and tired.
Truthfully, she looked exhausted, and he couldn’t help but wonder if she had managed any sleep last night. He’d seen the worried redhead in the waiting room when he’d taken Stella’s belongings to her nurses, and he wondered if she was somewhere tearing her hair out at the fact that Stella was working already.
He hadn’t noticed when the briefing finished or how it had ended, only when the officers around him began to gather their coffees and head for the exit did he tear his doctor’s eyes away from Stella.
“Doctor O’Donnell, thank you for coming so quickly. We understand you’re busy so this won’t take long.” Stella told him, the professionalism dripping from her voice as she approached. “A couple of my officers are going to take you to one of our interview rooms just down the hall and just ask you a few questions.”
When he nodded his understanding she left before he could say a word, heading for a couple of officers in the corner. “McNally, Martin. Please take Dr O’Donnell and take his statement. I need all the information he can give us about Rose and Spector’s injuries. Absolutely everything he can tell us. Make sure you have video and audio recording. Thank you.”
With that she was gone, making a swift getaway to the room he assumed was her office.
It was barely midday when O’Donnell finally found himself free to leave the station. As he descended the front steps, movement at the curb caught his attention and he raised his eyes from the floor.
He paused when he saw Stella being cradled against the redhead from the hospital. They were standing by the open passenger side door as the detective sobbed into the other woman’s shoulder. He sighed sadly and lowered his gaze, it felt like he was intruding just by being in the vicinity.
At the sound of a car door slamming, he glanced back over his shoulder and noticed the redheaded doctor staring after him. She gave him a small nod before she climbed into the car and pulled away, leaving him to find his own vehicle.