Chapter Text
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Chapter 1
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Looking up from the notebook in his lap, Toono glanced across his dorm room. Kashima was presently using his desk, working on his maths, while Toono did the same from his bed. He had a feeling the taller boy was getting a lot more done than he was.
Toono couldn't focus on maths even on a normal day… He sure as hell couldn't now. Not after everything that had happened today. What started off as a stressful transfer to this new school was growing more and more anxiety inducing every day, and today had been the absolute worst day of all. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to move on from it. How was he supposed to continue going to yari-bu now? How was he supposed to go to class, chat with his friends, act normal? This place was anything but normal.
Kashima barely seemed fazed by it. He was over at the desk, his expression calm, content… He was quietly doing his homework like everything was fine, like he hadn't almost been raped a few hours ago, like he and Toono hadn't shared Toono's first kiss during one of the most terrifying moments of the smaller boy's life. And it wasn't like Toono was the only one in danger. It wasn't like Kashima just jumped in and saved him from something traumatic without fully understanding it… They were going to rape Kashima too. He'd even cried about it for a moment before the other boys lunged at them. Kashima was in very real danger as well...
Toono wasn't sure why the darker-haired boy didn't seem bothered by the event anymore… He was acting like nothing even happened, like he wasn't still scared, nervous, embarrassed… Unless he was trying to hide it like Toono was. He supposed that was possible. Toono himself was trying to look okay on the outside. He didn't want Kashima thinking he was paranoid or scared of everything… even though he felt like he did have a very valid reason for feeling scared.
Ever since he joined the "photography club," Toono had been painfully aware that the other boys claimed they were going to "gang bang" them in the event that he and Kashima didn't have sex with anyone within the month… The threat was in the back of his mind at all times - maybe more the forefront of his mind some days, in some moments, like when a random boy shoved him against a wall and tried to attack him simply because he heard that Toono was a member of yari-bu, or when one of the other members of the club cornered him and said gross, uncomfortable things…
But he really couldn't believe they'd actually do it. The whole thing was just absurd… a high school club where the members' sole mission was to have sex with people (and each other?) What the hell kind of a high school would allow that?
And then Akemi just casually noting they were going to be gang-raped at the end of the month like it was normal. Like it was something cute and funny. An endearing, quirky initiation that would be looked back on with laughs and not horror and deep trauma... Like he and Kashima were meant to just agree that it was fine, a regular, semi-annoying but ultimately harmless part of being the new guys... That it wasn't insane... Toono just could hardly take it seriously. It was a scary threat, yes, but it just didn't seem real.
It didn't help either that Akemi was so cheerful about it. He didn't say it like he was trying to be scary, like it was a threat… In fact, most of the members of the club weren't out-right scary. Yuri was because he acted like an animal, and Tamura was… He was just flat-out mean most of the time, and was the only one who seemed more than willing to do little things here and there without consent, like the day they first met when he licked the back of Toono's neck before Toono even knew his name…
But the other three were pretty mild. Akemi was so cheerful, and the other two were so reserved and calm. The thought of the five of them as a group forcing Toono and Kashima to have sex with them jsut didn't seem reasonable. Itome wouldn't rape someone, right? Shikatani wouldn't...
They kept saying it, but beyond that, Toono and Kashima were treated like they were all friends with the other members of the club. The other boys would catch Toono between classes, chat with him about his studies, ask if he was going to this or that event, invite him to lunch. A lot of the questions and conversations centered around sex, but they weren't exactly threatening most of the time. They'd just ask if he was going to have sex with whatever person he might have happened to be talking to in class. They'd ask if he'd give them a blow job, but didn't try to force him when he refused. He'd get flustered and embarrassed and they'd laugh… but it wasn't like they grabbed him and tried to force it.
All the sex stuff still felt like an innappropriate joke more than anything. All in all, the club felt like the start of friendship… besides the occasional mention that they were planning to rape him if he didn't manage to have sex with anybody else before long.
Even so, he just didn't fully believe they would. All the other things they said and did weren't all that threatening. They were uncomfortable, but not necessarily scary. He was kind of worried about the threat, but all the casual friendship stuff had him believing they wouldn't really… especially if the time came and Toono told them he really didn't want to - that it would be traumatizing to him. They were his friends now… so surely they wouldn't. Surely it was a joke.
The other boys were really into sex… It was all they thought about, all they talked about… but they were also generally friendly, and Toono was pretty sure they were joking when they said they'd force it. They invited him to lunch, sat with him outside, chatted with him about this and that… They behaved like normal people sometimes outside of the club room… Surely they wouldn't actually rape their new friends… They were trying to be funny… Right?
It wasn't funny, but Toono was painfully naive in assuming it simply had to be a joke. He just couldn't wrap his mind around a high school club all agreeing to rape its new members.
Until today, he didn't really fully believe they were serious.
It wasn't until he was in the middle of a rather terrifying predicament in which he was twenty seconds away from being brutally assaulted that he fully believed it. It was all a very inappropriate joke up until then… Until three of the boys grabbed Kashima and held him back while the other two followed Toono as he tried to crawl away, ripping him rather roughly up from the ground, lifting him up and pulling his legs apart with terrifying strength…
When Yuri had him held up with his legs spread… with Yuri not even wearing pants, nor underwear by the way, pressing himself up against Toono's back, his butt, his thigh… holding onto him with strength the younger boy didn't realize someone not that much bigger than himself could possibly possess... with Tamura standing between his legs, prying his jaw painfully open, forcing that disgusting toy down his throat… That's when he realized it was really going to happen. That the whole thing wasn't a joke. They were really going to do it.
And they didn't seem to care that Toono wasn't amused by it. If it was a joke to them, it clearly wasn't to the younger boy, and they didn't care. Toono had struggled, screamed, cried… And they didn't stop. They weren't going to stop… They weren't his friends.
Friends would have cared that Toono was quite clearly upset, that he was in pain, that he was scared. Yuri and Tamura didn't care. Maybe they even liked it. Tamura certainly had seemed to get increasingly excited as Toono whimpered and choked around the dildo the older boy was forcing into his mouth. Toono wasn't sure, but he had a feeling his tears and trembling only made Tamura want to do it more.
The other three weren't his friends either. Akemi, Shikatani, and Itome had to have heard and seen Toono's response… They knew he was terrified, that Tamura and Yuri were hurting him… They heard him whimpering… They heard and saw Kashima crying and struggling before that… and they didn't stop either. The whole group was fine with everything that was happening. Even the ones who didn't seem as threatening, who seemed calm and nicer… They were playing a role in it. They didn't care.
Toono didn't have the chance to articulate his fears, to formally tell them that he was scared and didn't want to do it… to give them a firm, verbal 'no,' but his body language should have spoken for him. They all knew what they were doing. Nothing about his tears, his whimpering, his shaking would have told them that what they were doing to him was okay. They knew he was upset, that he didn't want it… and they didn't give a damn.
Then Kashima saved him with a kiss. The taller boy had the amazing idea that if he claimed the two of them were dating and would have lots of sex on their own, the others wouldn't rape them… Then he had to prove it to them, and he did that with a kiss.
A rather confusing kiss… Toono didn't want to think about it, didn't want to talk about it, didn't ever want to acknowledge it again. He wanted to forget the whole thing - the whole day even - maybe especially the kiss because that was the only part that had him completely and utterly confused. He knew the rest of it was terrifying. He knew how he felt about all the other boys. But he wasn't sure anymore how he felt about Kashima.
When he was pinned between Yuri and Tamura, with the toy in his mouth, forcing his jaw painfully open… When he was forced to endure Yuri's panting in his ear and saliva dripping down onto his shoulder, the pink-haired man's unclothed body below the waist pressing up against him… his hands pulling Toono's legs embarrassingly apart… He was scared then, in pain… There was no doubt in his mind that those two - and the other three who would have done the same if they hadn't chosen to go for Kashima instead - were terrifying people. They were dangerous, heartless...
But when Kashima pulled him close, embraced him, kissed him… Toono was frozen. It didn't hurt… It felt safer - far safer than what the other boys were trying to do to him. It wasn't quite as scary in the way that the other boy's actions were… but it was still scary in its own right. He didn't know Kashima that well. He didn't know how much "proof" the other boys would demand… if Kashima would be willing to take it further without Toono's permission if he felt he had to. Kashima was 90% safety in that moment… and 10% scary mystery.
In that moment, while he felt relieved to be gently held, to be lightly kissed rather than having a dildo crammed into his mouth - and who knew where the sickening toy had been before that - he still felt uncertain. The kiss was nice-ish… It wasn't harsh. It wasn't completely disgusting and rough... but it was terrifying still.
He was on the verge of trusting Kashima, but in that moment, cold fear had seized his heart. The taller boy was proving something that wasn't real. Proving to everyone else in the room that Toono was okay with him kissing him, touching him. Toono wasn't okay with it… but he knew he'd prefer one person gently doing mild sexual things to him to five people forcefully doing graphic sexual things to him, hurting him, completely humiliating him. He didn't know how far Kashima was going to take it… and while he wanted to play along, to help the older boy get them out of the mess, he couldn't.
When he tried to kiss back, he started to feel like he couldn't breathe, like he couldn't stand, like he might faint. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest, and images of himself on the ground with his pants down, with Kashima forcing himself on him while Toono had to allow it to keep himself from being hurt worse made him want to throw up. He was so scared that was where the whole scene was heading. That the kiss wouldn't be enough. That the other boys would demand more proof or force Toono and Kashima to face the horrid consequences. That he and Kashima would have to do horrible, degrading things to each other to get out of a brutal rape at the hands of the others. He didn't know if he could bear to do it without trying to run away… and he knew if he tried to run, the others would catch him and hurt him worse.
In that moment, when he was so scared he could barely function, he did cease functioning, melting into Kashima's embrace and letting the older boy do all of the explaining, hoping silently that the kiss would be the end of it, that the other boys wouldn't demand more proof, that he wasn't going to end up having to decide whether to let Kashima hurt him a little so the rest of them wouldn't hurt him a lot.
Fortunately the kiss alone - with Kashima's verbal explanation - had worked - though Tamura seemed angry about it… but they got away…
Then within minutes they were out of the room. They were safe. Toono could breathe again. All the fear and uncertainty started to fade away into awkward embarrassment. Toono had kissed someone - for the first time ever… Not on his terms. It wasn't what he imagined his first kiss would be. He didn't choose who it was with. He didn't choose when or where it happened… It was forced on him, with an audience he wouldn't have invited if it were up to him. He had his first kiss while he was terrified, while he was crying, shaking… It definitely wasn't what he would have chosen. Kashima was saving him in that moment, from something far worse… but Toono was still conflicted.
The kiss was gentle. It was okay… Maybe if he weren't terrified in the moment, he would have liked it… But it was with Kashima… and Toono wasn't necessarily attracted to Kashima. He wasn't gay… At least, he didn't think he was gay… If he were, Kashima wouldn't have been his top choice for who to share his first kiss with. He'd have chosen… maybe Yacchan… Not Kashima… They were sort of friends. They studied together sometimes… they talked between classes… but would Toono have guessed this morning that Kashima was going to be his first kiss? That the kiss would be kind of alright?
Maybe it was more than alright… He didn't really expect or want it… It wasn't bad. It was gentle, warm, almost comforting in a chaotic, heart-stopping moment... kind of electric… But he was terrified in that moment. He hadn't wanted to kiss anyone. The kiss was forced on him. He didn't want it...
It wasn't Kashima's fault. Kashima hadn't been trying to hurt him or make him upset… It wasn't like Kashima found him after school, pinned him against a wall, and forced a kiss on him while he struggled and begged him not to do it. It wasn't an invited kiss, but certainly wasn't a rough, violent kiss either. He saved him from something so awful Toono couldn't even bear to think about it… But the kiss still wasn't what he pictured his first kiss would be. It was scary and gentle all at once. It was bad and good… a strange mix of horror and comfort and uncertainty...
He didn't want any of it on his mind, but he couldn't help it.
The kiss wasn't bad. Was it good? He had nothing to compare it to… It was warm, gentle, sort of tingly… Maybe he enjoyed it? But he was so scared in that moment. Maybe the feeling he thought was enjoyment was relief. He didn't like that Kashima was kissing him. If he had tried it anywhere else, maybe Toono would have shoved him away and gotten mad… But in that moment, the kiss was comforting, a symbol of safety, protection. As soon as Kashima's lips locked with his own, he felt like perhaps he was going to be okay. He felt genuine relief.
Relief that he wasn't being held up off the ground by Yuri anymore… that the lunatic's exposed dick wasn't rubbing against his butt through his pants while the guy panted, practically drooled next to his ear… Relief that Tamura wasn't standing between his legs, further spreading them while he shoved the big purple sex toy into his mouth, practically choking him with it.
It wasn't that Toono trusted Kashima that much. He still barely knew him. But he trusted him a hell of a lot more than he trusted the others. He was fairly sure Kashima wouldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to… but fairly sure wasn't completely sure… and he didn't know if the other boys would let them go without a good show first.
Being held gently and kissed by Kashima was comforting compared to being painfully held up off the ground with his legs spread, by a man wearing no pants. Yuri had no fucking pants on through the whole thing.
Kashima's protective embrace and soft lips were a fair trade to get away from Tamura painfully, forcefully cramming a dildo down this throat, threatening to rape him with it.
Toono felt a pout on his lips as he glanced across the room again, watching Kashima as the other boy wrote down something in his notebook. Kashima seemed completely absorbed in his studies. He wasn't distracted by the events of the day. He was just doing his work as usual, like nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Kashima didn't seem as bothered by the whole event as Toono was. Even if he was just trying to hide it, he was clearly able to focus on his maths at least. Toono wasn't able to do the same. There was no way Kashima was as bothered and anxious about it all as Toono was.
At the time, Kashima was panicked too. In fact, he started to panic before Toono did. He started to softly cry for a moment while Toono was still in shocked denial that the others would really do it. Maybe he realized the threat was real first… And he wasn't even a virgin - not all the way… But he hadn't done the things the other boys planned on doing to him, and he was scared - like Toono was.
But after everything was over, Kashima didn't seem too upset. He was more focused on the kiss than anything, asking if it was Toono's first kiss, not seeming to care anymore that they were both five seconds from being raped, that the kiss only happened to save them both from something worse - that it wasn't a romantic thing… that Toono didn't even want to do it.
"How's your homework coming along?" Kashima asked suddenly.
Toono let out a small gasp and looked down. His paper was completely blank. He hadn't even started the first question… Hadn't even so much as written a heading or date on the page. He widened his eyes and looked over at his text book. He had to write down something before Kashima realized he'd just been sitting here staring at him all night.
"What'd you get for number thirteen, part b?" Kashima asked, raising his eyebrows. "I think I got it, but I wanna be sure. We should compare answers and talk it out if we didn't get the same solution. It was a little tough."
Toono swallowed and looked back at his notebook, hovering his pencil over the blank page and writing '13. B.' then looking back at the text book on the bed next to him. He wasn't even on the right page. "Um…" He hesitated, flipping a few pages… "I uh… I didn't… I'm not there yet…" He squeaked.
"Alright." Kashima closed his book and leaned back in his chair. "We'll check answers later when you're done. You want me to go get a couple coffees or something? You look tired." He offered.
"I do?" Toono frowned, blinking a few times. He did feel tired… like really, really tired. Positively exhausted. He didn't know he looked tired too though.
Kashima nodded. "You okay?" He asked, his brows furrowing. "It's… been kind of a long day, huh? Maybe you don't wanna talk about it, but it's okay if you do. I'm here if you need to talk… I know earlier today… In the club room…"
Toono felt his eyes widening. He didn't want to talk about that. He wanted to forget all about it. Every bit of it. He stared back at the other boy, holding his breath as he silently prayed that Kashima wouldn't bring up the kiss again.
"It was scary." Kashima shrugged.
Toono frowned and looked down, happy Kashima wasn't talking about the kiss, but not exactly relieved to talk about the other stuff either. "I didn't think they were serious…" Toono whispered. "I had no idea they'd really- Just… when they actually started- W-we don't have to talk about it. It's okay now…" He breathed.
He couldn't talk about this… Kashima seemed almost entirely okay with just moving on, and perhaps Toono could do the same. He didn't need to revisit any of this… It was the scariest thing that had ever happened to him… He felt so helpless and weak when the two older boys had him pinned between them, when they forced that horrible thing into his mouth… when he started crying, when he couldn't even manage to get a single word out past the intrusive object.
And he certainly couldn't talk about the kiss. Not again. It was so awkward last time they talked about it. Kashima asked if it was his first kiss. He seemed really happy that it was… It kind of made Toono feel bad… Because it seemed Kashima enjoyed it without question. That even though the situation during which the kiss transpired was scary, that the kiss itself was a good thing. Toono wasn't sure if he liked it. He certainly didn't like the circumstances under which the kiss had happened. He wished if he were going to kiss someone - even if it ended up being Kashima for some reason - that he'd have gotten the chance to do it on his own terms, away from the watchful stares of five boys who were about to rape them.
He didn't want his first kiss to be some sort of sick peep show. He didn't want it ruined by the fear that was in his heart when it happened. He could hardly even process whether or not he enjoyed it considering it happened while he was terrified that he was going to be raped by someone… or multiple someones.
"O-Okay…" Kashima sounded nervous now too. "We don't have to talk about it. Just as long as you're okay now."
Toono swallowed and quickly nodded. "Yeah…" He whispered, forcing a smile. "Yeah. I'm fine… J-just tired…"
"Okay." Kashima forced a smile as well. Toono could tell it was just as forced as his own. "Good… I'm glad you're alright. I'll go get us some coffees. Then if you've got number thirteen done by the time I get back, we can compare answers." He suggested.
"Alright." Toono smiled again, starting to feel genuinely awkward with the amount of very ingenuine smiles the two of them were passing around.
"Hazelnut okay? They run out sometimes, but I can try for it." Kashima shrugged.
"Sounds good. Whatever they have is fine." Toono breathed, happy the conversation had shifted toward coffee rather than anything utterly traumatizing. He didn't care what flavor it was. As long as it had caffeine in it. As long as it was just innocent, simple coffee.
"I'll be back in ten or twenty minutes… Depends on the line, I guess." Kashima noted with a shrug of one shoulder.
"I'll be here…" Toono laughed, covering his blank paper with his hand when Kashima stood up.
It wasn't until Kashima had walked out the door, leaving Toono alone in his room that the younger boy realized just how tired he actually was. He'd had a really stressful day, and he was completely exhausted as a result.
With a yawn, Toono closed his note book inside his text book and placed it to the side. Maybe he could just close his eyes for a minute until Kashima came back. There'd be no harm in getting ten or twenty minutes of sleep while he could. He knew he'd probably just end up copying Kashima's answers later anyway. He wasn't in the right mind to do maths right now.
So he leaned back on his pillows and closed his eyes, trying to think of stars and soft things rather than any of his numerous fears and concerns.
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