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Eddie stood in his kitchen, leaning over the sink, an empty glass in his hand, the faucet running. He was staring, just staring at nothing, but yet staring at everything at the same time. His eyes were on the faintly stained stainless steel of his kitchen sink, but he was looking at so much more, though he was the only one who could see it. Eddie couldn’t say how many mornings he’d spent like this, standing in his kitchen for hours, lost in his own memories, trapped by his own mind.
To say Eddie was lost was a big understatement. To be truthful, Eddie didn’t know what he was because nothing made sense in his world anymore; his world that was without Evan Buckley. Every morning, Eddie replayed the events of that night over and over in his mind. To do so was pointless – nothing about that night could be changed now, there was no going back. What’s done was done, Eddie couldn’t change the past despite how often his nightmares tricked him into thinking he could. It was unknown how many nights Eddie woke up in a cold sweat, frantically feeling around in his mattress, eyes wildly scanning the bedroom, calling out for Buck.
It always took a bit of time for him to finally come to the blood-chilling realization, though; Buck was gone. Whatever he’d thought he’d wake up to find was nothing but a false sense of reality given to him by his dreams.
“Um... Dad?”
Eddie slowly lifted and turned his head, as if his body were made of stone, and faced his son; “Yeah, sorry buddy, what’s up?” He said, his voice sounding unrecognizable even to his own ears.
Eddie was a shell.
“You- You’ve been standing there for a long time. The water’s been running.” Christopher said softly, his eyes soft and full of love, and concern, as he looked up at his dad. Eddie nodded stiffly, filling his glass, and turned off the tap. He didn’t drink the water, though; he set the glass down on the counter and turned back to look at Chris, “You, uh... You ready for school, bud?”
The boy nodded, the look of concern never fading from his eyes as he asked, “Are you going to be okay today?”
“You don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be perfectly fine. You just focus on school today. And if you need to come home early, you know you can call me, right?”
The boy had broken down several times at school over the past few weeks since they’d lost Buck. It was beyond words how much Buck meant to Christopher, the two were inseparable. It was truly astonishing, in the best way, how quickly Chris had accepted Buck as his other dad when Eddie and the younger man had both sat down with the curly-haired boy to tell him that they were together – as in, officially together.
Eddie could still feel the smile that had split across his face when Christopher had responded with a simple, “Yeah, I know.”
Christopher’s principal had had to call Eddie numerous times because Chris was breaking down the bathrooms non-stop. One moment he was fine and doing his class work, and the next moment he was a sobbing, shaking, inconsolable mess. The only thing that could ever calm him down was Eddie’s arms wrapped around his body in a tight, all-consuming embrace; letting him know that the brunette man was still around, he was still safe, he wasn’t going to leave him too.
And Eddie wasn’t the only one with nightmares, Christopher had plenty of that himself. Some that would leave the kid screaming for Eddie in the middle of the night after the gunshots that rang out in his nightmares jarred him awake. Sometimes Eddie wondered how Chris would even hear gunshots, or recall such events, when he wasn’t physically there that night when it had all happened.
A child psychologist had told the man that it was simply Christopher’s imagination filling in the blanks; he knew how Buck had been killed.
“I know. I think I’ll be fine.” The boy answered, trying to force a convincing half-smile for his dad’s sake; Chris knew how hard of a time Eddie was having. He may be a kid, but he wasn’t blind or stupid; he was seeing how the man he once knew was trapped behind blank, empty eyes and a prisoner in his own head.
“Okay. Well, let’s go, I don’t want you to be late.” Eddie said, trying to match his son’s smile, but knowing he’d probably failed miserably; it was like Eddie had forgotten how to smile. Either that or he was just so beyond the point of seeing the purpose to even attempt to convince those around him that he was doing semi-decent.
Who cares?
Eddie wasn’t doing decent, at all. He was barely scraping the surface of what would be considered surviving; the man was going through the motions of living, but his heart wasn’t in any of it. The only reason he bothered getting out of being in the morning was Christopher, because that boy needed Eddie to be there for him, he needed Eddie to be a dad, and fulfill his promise to provide for his son’s needs.
And when Chris wasn’t around... Well, that was when Eddie truly fell apart.
It was that song. That goddamn song, from the night at the restaurant, the song that was playing when the brunette man’s life had all come crumbling down around him, and on top of him, crushing him and pinning him down.
He’d known while it was playing that it was familiar, but he was a little busy at the time to place where he’d heard it before. It wasn’t until he’d went through Buck’s phone, found his playlists, selected one by random, and that song had started playing; it echoed off the walls in the empty kitchen Eddie was standing in, and the realization had hit him that this was a song he’d heard many times in the car when Buck had put his music on whenever they’d hit the road, either to work or just for leisure.
Eddie let Buck’s phone and speaker rest on the kitchen counter, by the sink, just like the first time he’d done this. He connected them, scrolled through the specific playlist – one out of many, because Buck had created well over thirty – and let his shaky thumb hover over the title. His eyes burned, but by this point in time, he’d already cried so much that he was sure he’d cried himself dry for the rest of his life.
He closed his eyes – because that’s how this worked – and selected the song so it would play before setting the phone down gently beside the speaker. He let his arms fall into place, a gasping sort of breath leaving his lips as he soon felt broad shoulders under his fingertips. He let one hand slide down a familiar feeling well-toned arm, and into a hand that was made for his own.
Then, he opened his eyes.
Eddie saw blue; the most beautiful and comforting shade of blue he’s ever come to known. There was no shade of blue like Buck’s eyes, there was no feeling that could even compare to the butterflies in Eddie’s stomach and the heat in his chest that he always felt when looking into those blue orbs.
He was always afraid to speak. He was afraid to lose this moment – whatever it was. Eddie had no words to explain what this was or how it was even possible, but he didn’t want to try. All he knew was he never wanted to lose this moment; he wanted to hold on for dear life, and pray that he wasn’t crazy, that this was Buck’s gift to him.
I am not the only traveler,
Who has not repaid his debt,
I've been searching for a trail to follow again,
Take me back to the night we met...
“Buck, will you stop messing with it? You look fine, babe. Better that fine, in fact. You look fucking amazing.”
Buck looked up from where he kept messing with the buttons on his button down, thinking it was way too tight but apparently Eddie didn't think so. His eyes met his husband's and he smiled playfully, his eyes glinting with mischief, “Yeah? How amazing do you think I look, Eddie?”
The brunette snorted, shaking his head, but not without the hint of a fond smile playing at his lips. “You're something else.” Eddie said, grabbing his keys from the dresser top before leaving the bedroom with a “behave, and I'll show you what I think tonight,” thrown over his shoulder just before he exited the doorframe.
Buck chuckled to himself, messing with the shirt one last time before he gave himself a once over in the mirror and decided he looked alright enough to stop messing with his appearance and finally follow Eddie to the car; both men were meeting Hen and Karen for dinner while Christopher was being looked after at Hen’s and Karen’s house by Hen’s mom along with Nia and Harry.
“Ready?” Eddie asked once Buck had gotten himself into the passenger's seat, sticking his key in the ignition. The blonde gave him thumbs up, pulling his seatbelt into place. Eddie was about to start driving but stalled once he felt Buck's hand on his thigh. He looked over at his husband, smiling. Buck returned the smile, his thumb working circles against Eddie's denim covered leg, “Did I mention you look amazing as well?”
“You didn't, actually.”
“Well we can't have you not knowing how good you look, can we?”
“Shut up.” Eddie chuckled, shaking his head fondly at his hand came over Buck's, his own fingers curling with his husband's. “I love you, you know that?”
“I love you too, Eds.”
Buck leaned forward, pressing his lips against Eddie's jaw, trailing his lips to meet Eddie's own in a sweet, promising kiss. “Always will.”
Eddie and Hen both sensed something was off about the couple sitting two tables to the right of their own, at the restaurant where they were eating that night. But Buck was the one to vocalize his worries.
“She's been staring over here at us for ten minutes.” He observed.
“She looks... Scared.” Karen said quietly, almost as if she were talking to herself and not the three other people at the dinner table with her.
The man who was sitting with the woman followed her gaze over to Eddie's table, locking eyes with Buck who was now observing them without making much effort to hide it. The man glared into Buck's eyes, both men having some kind of private showdown in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
“Buck,” Eddie said in a light warning tone, “Come on. Just eat your meal.”
“She's looking over here like she's asking for help.” Buck says, his voice quiet, tight. “Their little girl looks terrified; look at her, she looks like she's seconds from breaking down. Can't be any older than four or five.”
“Let's just keep an eye, and not cause any unnecessary trouble, okay?” Hen said, resting her palm on Buck's forearm.
That was ten minutes before their worlds changed forever right in front of their faces.
It had happened in a blur of events. The man had gripped his wife a little too tightly, they were angrily whispering at one another (although, she was more afraid and desperate than she was angry), he'd slammed his hand on the table loud enough for more than a few heads to turn their way, and then Eddie saw the flash of a gun handle appear from under the man's blazer.
Buck had seen it too, apparently.
“Hen, call 9-1-1.” He'd murmured urgently, and Eddie could practically hear his husband's heart hammering. She'd pulled out her phone, but not before Buck caught the man reaching inside his jacket.
The wife was crying, and Eddie could make out her words; “I don't have the full amount, you promised me four weeks, not two!”
The man's hand reappeared from his jacket, a cheque book falling onto the table, “You sign the full amount, and you do it now.” On the final word, the man had gripped her upper arm a little too hard for Buck's liking. He stood up.
“Buck, sit back down.” Eddie ordered, but the blonde was already making his way over. “Goddamn it.” The brunette muttered, following his husband.
“Everything alright here?” Buck asked once he'd reached the table. “Ma'am, are you okay?”
The moments leading up until Eddie had heard the gunshot ring out were a blur, and even now, he couldn't recall all the details. Or rather, he didn't want to, so his brain had blocked it out.
But there was arguing between Buck and the other man, the wife had pleaded with her husband to put the gun away, and Eddie will never forget the wild look in his eyes when LAPD burst into the restaurant and Athena had ordered him to drop his weapon. In a moment of pure insanity or panic, who knew which one it was, the man pulled the trigger.
Eddie could remember Buck hitting the ground just as the track switched and the song started to play, the music seeming to be deafening in the restaurant even though many people were screaming. Another gunshot was heard, and the man had fallen to the floor after putting a bullet in his head.
But Eddie was already on his knees, beside Buck. He held pressure in the centre of his husband's chest, watching with horror as Buck's mouth filled with his own blood. "HEN!" Eddie had screamed, desperately pressing down on Buck's wound.
Hen was rushing to the scene after Athena had radioed for an ambulance to come to the restaurant, pushing Eddie aside so she had more room. The man was grappling for his husband's hands, holding them in his own as he met Buck's eyes. "You're going to be fine, Evan, keep looking at me, don't stop looking at me, okay? Evan, keep your eyes open! Come on, baby, come on, LOOK AT ME, EVAN!"
It was when Buck's blue eyes started to fade, and he choked around the blood clogging his throat, trying to say something to Eddie, that the brunette's life with his best friend and husband began to unravel before his eyes.
And then I can tell myself,
What the hell I'm supposed to do,
And then I can tell myself,
Not to ride along with you...
“And you mean to tell me that you two are ‘just bros’? Man, are you kidding?”
Eddie huffed indignantly, heat rising to his cheeks as Hen laughed, coffee mug in her hand, as the two friends sat in the common area at the firehouse just after a pretty intense call. Buck and Chim were in the showers, probably midst washing off all the grime and smoke as Eddie had just done, wearing a head of wet hair to prove it.
And, now that he thought about it, why had Buck made a comment about the way he smelled once the two men had passed one another in the change room?
“Look, even if I do see Buck that way, there’s no way the feelings are reciprocated.” Eddie said, pulling out a book and ready to end this conversation right there. He ignored the snort that came from Hen as she rolled her eyes, sipping her coffee, “If that’s how you want to play this, by all means.” She replied, humor in her tone as she glided away with a smirk across her lips.
Now that that was over with, Eddie was ready to read his damn book and ignore the way the entire crew was nosing their way into his and Buck’s personal lives. But just as he had opened said book...
“Do you wanna have dinner with me Friday night?”
Eddie jumped, looking up; Buck was standing over him wearing fresh clothes and his curls were damp, messy, sticking out and pressed against his forehead all at the same time. His blue eyes were intensely looking down into Eddie’s own brown eyes. He lifted a brow, “Uh, sure? Yours or mine?”
“Neither.”
“Then why did you ask me t–”
“I wanna take you to Capo. Just us, me and you.” Buck interrupted, fiddling with his fingers a little before stuffing his hands into his pockets, and then taking them back out of his pockets to clasp behind his back as he stared expectantly at Eddie.
“I– what? Why Capo, isn’t that, like, super fancy and expensive?”
“He’s asking you on a date, moron!” Chim hollered from downstairs, clearly listening in on their conversation from the bottom of the staircase.
“No pulse, charge to two-hundred joules.” The paramedic said to her partner, while Eddie was forced back, away from Buck’s hands which now fell limply to his sides instead of clasped inside of Eddie’s.
“Clear!”
“Buck, come on!” Eddie sobbed once the paddles shocked Buck’s sides. “Come on, please, come on, Buck...”
“No pulse, charge to two-hundred again.”
I had all and then most of you,
Some and now none of you,
Take me back to the night we met...
“Clear!”
“Please, Buck, please. Please, baby, come on. Not like this!”
I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
Haunted by the ghost of you,
Oh, take me back to the night we met...
“What’s your problem, man?”
“Okay. You.”
‘Me?’ Eddie had questioned in his head, once Buck had made it official that his ‘problem’ was, in fact, Eddie himself.
“You’re my problem,” Buck continued, “Your comfort level.”
The rest was history; Buck continued talking but Eddie’s brain was barely functioning past the fact that ‘wow, his sweat smells fucking great,’ because in that moment, despite it being very evident that Eddie’s mere presence annoyed the living shit out of Buck, Eddie was hooked. Did he know it at the time? No. Did everyone else in the room know it, minus the two men in question? Yes.
Eddie’s chest felt like it was on fire, each sob ripping through him, tearing his throat to shreds, he couldn’t do anything but watch.
“Eddie, they have to call it.” Hen said gently, her own voice trembling with emotion, as she laid a soft hand on her friend’s shoulder. Eddie groaned, pushing her hand away, fisting his hair, “No,” he’d refused, “No, one more time, he’ll be okay, he’s going to– he has to, he– just once more, just one– he’s going to–” He was mumbling, heart thudding against his ribs, breath coming in shallow and ragged.
When the night was full of terrors,
And your eyes were filled with tears...
“You want me to watch Christopher?”
“It’s easy, he’s not very fast.”
“After everything that happened?”
“A natural disaster happened, Buck.”
“I lost him, Eddie.” Buck’s voice shook, Eddie’s heart clenched.
“You saved him. That’s how he remembers it.” Eddie pointed to Christopher; the boy was sitting on Buck’s couching in front of the TV, looking for a cartoon to watch.
“Now it’s his turn to do the same for you.” Eddie knew, even if Buck didn’t say a word, that the other man was going through hell, ripping himself to shreds for what he thought he fucked up. But he didn’t fuck up, he didn’t fuck up at all. If anything, knowing how hard the blonde had fought to save Christopher’s life was what had finally begun to solidify the knowledge for Eddie that Buck’s love (even though then, it hadn’t been the kind of love they’d shared until much later in their relationship with one another) was something he never wanted to let go of, or lose.
“I-I w-was supposed to look out for him.” Buck stuttered.
“And, what? You think you failed? I failed that kid more times than I care to count, and I’m his father. But, I love him enough to never stop trying.” Eddie started to say, his eyes fond as he looked at his best friend.
‘And I love you enough to do the same for you.’
“I know you do, too.” He added, because it was true. There was no questioning Buck’s love for Chris, there was no doubt in Eddie’s mind at all.
He could still see that Buck’s mind was doubtful of Eddie’s words and his beliefs, though. “Buck,” he said, grabbing the other man’s shoulder firmly but gently, “There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.” And it was then that Eddie saw the emotion settle heavily in Buck’s eyes; he was starting to believe Eddie’s words, by that single sentence alone, the sentence that bloomed hope in the taller man’s heart.
“Time of death...”
Eddie’s vision clouded, his head foggy; the voices, sounds, and everything around him faded into a faraway echo. There was nothing, nothing but Buck, and the song.
A sheet was dragged over Buck’s body, about to cover his face, but Eddie knocked the paramedic’s hands away; away from the sheet, away from his Buck. “Get off of him!” He snarled.
“Eddie...” Hen whispered, tears now rolling down her cheeks, her lip quivering before her hand rose to cover it, watching as the man who was a brother to her lifted Buck’s body off the floor and cradled him to his own chest.
When you had not touched me yet,
Oh, take me back to the night we met...
The two paramedics stood and gave the man some space. Hen rubbed circles on Eddie’s back, but he didn’t feel any of it. He only felt Buck. There was nothing, only his husband; dead, and lifeless, and bloody; pressed against Eddie’s torso and wrapped in his arms.
Eddie’s sobs were silent, but they shook his whole body as he buried his face in Buck’s matted hair, swaying the both of them and rocking the blonde in his arms, the music surrounding them and nothing, no one, else.
I had all and then most of you,
Some and now none of you...
“This could change everything.” Buck panted, hovering over Eddie on the brunette’s bed, both their shirts off, but still leaving them in far too many clothes for Eddie’s liking.
“Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.” Eddie swore.
“What if we fuck this up?”
“Buck, shut up and kiss me.”
“Eddie–”
“Evan,” Eddie said softly, but firmly all the same, “I love you.” He whispered, his thumb kissing the blonde man’s cheekbone as he cupped Buck’s face in his palm. His other hand ghosted over his boyfriend’s spine, and he was a dirty liar if he said the way Buck shivered at his touch didn’t swell his heart.
“I love you.” Buck mumbled, turning to nose against Eddie’s hand, his eyelids fluttering shut.
“That’ll never change.”
Buck opened his eyes again, and he said nothing but his eyes seemed to tell Eddie that he felt the same. The older man smiled, surging forward and capturing his man’s lips in a searing kiss. He turned them over so he was the one hovering over Buck now, his fingertips dancing across Buck’s corded muscles, and he laughed once Buck hissed out a giggle, squirming because Eddie’s fingers brushed over his sides.
The blonde was grinning, one hand snaking behind Eddie’s neck as he looked up at the brunette, “You’re a shit.”
“And you’re the fly.” Eddie retorted, laughing at his own joke. Buck let out a bark of laughter, his eyes drifting shut as he did so, and Eddie swore he’d never forget this moment, and the way Buck looked in it.
“Please don’t leave me.” He begged, his lips pressed to Buck’s ear, although he knew his pleads were useless. Buck – his Buck – was gone.
Eddie took a few more moments, rocking Buck’s body still against his chest, threading his fingers through his husband’s blonde hair. “It’ll never change, Evan,” Eddie whispered, “I promise. It’ll never change.”
Take me back to the night we met...
Eddie leaned his head forward, pressing into Buck’s collarbone, his chest heaving with his fought back sobs. Buck crooned, shushing softly as they both swayed to the music coming from the speaker on the counter; Eddie could feel the other man’s lips ghosting over the shell of his own ear, knowing this was almost over.
“Don’t go,” he begged, “Don’t leave me again. Please, Evan.”
I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
Haunted by the ghost of you...
“You know I’ve never left you, Eds.” Buck soothed, brushing his fingers through Eddie’s unkempt, knotted hair. “Promise me you’ll take better care of yourself. Be strong. For Christopher.”
Take me back to the night we met.
Eddie drank in the scent of Buck as the words stopped, and the music began to fade. He sucked back another round of tears and he nodded against the younger man’s shoulder.
“I promise.”
And then, the feeling of being held was lost. The hand Eddie had been holding was lost. Eddie’s head was no longer supported by a strong shoulder. All Eddie could feel was... nothing.
There was no residual scent of Buck in the kitchen, there was no lingering touch on Eddie’s skin. Because there had been no Buck.
The brunette’s shoulders dropped in defeat, his eyes stung. He wiped his face with the back of his forearm and disconnected Buck’s phone from the speaker. He tucked both items away in the bedroom both men had once shared, and his gaze fell to the digits on the alarm clock.
It was time to wait until Christopher needed to be picked up from school. Maybe Eddie would return some phone calls today.