Chapter Text
“You’re exhausting, we all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. No, somehow, we manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?”
**
“Thanks, Cap, you won’t regret this”
“You might, my house, my rules. Remember that”
He’s exhausting
He’s exhausting
He’s exhausting
With the words echoing in Buck’s mind, it’s clear that no one wants him there. When cap said that he might regret it, Buck was optimistic and maybe even a little in denial. He knew that everyone would be angry but he didn’t think it would be this bad. Since he returned, Bobby makes him do all the probie’s jobs, even making him do things that the probie doesn’t like clean the trucks, and sweep the floors. He grins through it, he has worked this hard to get back, he’s not going to let some tedious chores bring him down.
My house, my rules.
He could take it, they could throw anything at him and it wouldn't deter him. He's Buck, if there's one thing he knows about himself, it's that he doesn't give up easily. It takes a week for him to realizes how wrong he was. Everyone was still giving him the cold shoulder, even after all the times' Buck tries to start up a conversation, the person he is talking to always walks away, not even bothering to make up an excuse.
Then he stops getting invited to family dinners, and that one cuts deep. Since Buck started, he never knew a time where someone from the firefam wasn't invited to family dinners, that is until now. The last thing that really hit it home though was that during lunch at the firehouse, they would leave him an empty seat all the way at the end of the table where he’s away from the chatter and laughter, away from the family.
They were fine without him contributing anything, they were fine without him being at team buildings, they were fine without him. No one asked him why he did what he did, why he fought so hard to get back, no one cared.
So Buck stopped smiling every time he enters the firehouse instead he keeps his face neutral, he stopped making small talk instead he tended to remain silent, trying his best to blend into the background, not that that's hard since no one notices you. He stopped making effort to fix the obvious tension between him and everyone instead he keeps his head down and makes eye contact with no one, and no one noticed that anything was amiss.
His first thought was that he needs to talk to someone, that this is definitely not healthy as he feels his mental health getting worse and worse with every passing day, the bad thoughts in his head doubling as time goes on. But who would talk to him, he lost everyone.
He thought of Athena but dismissed it just as quickly, she’s Bobby’s wife. She probably knows what’s happening at the firehouse, and since she hasn’t reached out she obviously agrees with them. There’s Maddie, he knew he could count on her but she had enough to deal with in her life, she is finally happy with Chim, and he would never want to jeopardize that, not after everything that happened with Doug. She deserved to be happy, and she didn’t need his burden to be on her shoulders, that wouldn’t be good for her or his unborn niece or nephew.
That leaves Taylor Kelly, a very interesting friendship had formed between them after he helped her out on that one faithful day but is this worth bothering her about. We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. No, somehow, we manage to suck it up. Why can’t you? Sighing he sits on the floor of his empty apartment, Albert was at Veronica’s place like usual and so he could contemplate his life in the silence.
Hen and Chimney’s cold shoulder hurt, especially since he was always there for them. Hen, who he was there and supportive of when she told him that she cheated on her wife, telling her that she needs to talk to her and things will turn out okay. Chim, who is like a brother to him, who he was there for when he was stabbed by Maddie’s crazy ex-husband, who he was there for when he had rebar stuck in his head. It’s so unfair, how is it that Chim could return after that accident in about a month with no concerns but Buck couldn’t after all of the training and work he had to go through.
Eddie was downright furious with him. Rightfully so, his mind supplies as he thinks about how he abandoned Christopher because of the lawsuit. He doesn’t deserve even a smudge of love from that kid, not after he lost him in the tsunami. No wonder Eddie hates him, Buck hates himself for always threatening Chris’s wellbeing.
Buck didn’t like Eddie at first, he felt threatened that Eddie could come in and act like he’s family, that he would take Buck’s spot in his found family. How ironic, now he is family and they all hate you. His parents didn’t love him or pay attention to him, so he always felt like he had to make a new family, and just as he does, of course, he has to go and ruin it. That’s Buck, destroying everything he touches, maybe he’s not worthy of love.
He thinks back to when he was talking to Maddie, “Why is that every single one of your girlfriends is always fleeing the state or country” and he knows she was joking, but it’s true: Abby and Ali both left him. They all had someone, Chim and Maddie had each other, Eddie had Christopher, Hen has Karen, Bobby has Athena, and the kids. Everyone has someone, all except Buck.
Before he can have any more self-deprecating thoughts, he pulls out his phone and calls Taylor Kelly. His heart is racing as he feels like he’s about to have a panic attack. He needs someone to talk to, hopefully, she will answer her phone.
“Hey Buck, and what do I have the honor of speaking with you today for?” She answers in mirth.
“H-hey Taylor, sorry to bother you. Are you busy?”
Buck hates the way his voice cracks, tears start to form but he doesn’t let me fall. He hears shuffling over the phone and then hears the sound of the door opening and closing.
“Are you okay? I’m on my way to your apartment right now, are you alone?” She asks seriously, the worry seeping into her voice.
She cares, the thought closes Buck’s throat up with emotion, someone still cares about him. He doesn’t realize Taylor is speaking to him still until he hears her voice frantically saying,
“Buck, Buck, what’s going on? I will be there in literally 5 minutes, I might be going 15 over the speed limit, hang on there.” And it makes him smile, “Tay, I’m fine, sorry for worrying you. I was just a little- um overwhelmed I guess. Drive safe and I’ll talk to you when you get here.” they say goodbye and he hangs up.
Not even 2 minutes later, there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to see Taylor with her fiery red hair standing there, her hands on her hips, staring him down in worry. He smiles at her shakily, “Hey Tay, thanks for coming” he states as he holds out his arms for her. Without anything else said, she instantly walks into his arms and holds onto him tight.
He didn’t realize how much he missed being hugged until now, it’s been so long since he’s even nudged shoulders playfully like he usually does with Eddie. Their friendship is usually filled with small touches, and if they happen to make Buck’s heart race a little, that’s his business. Now with everything that happened, well Buck has never been so touch-deprived.
Taylor looks up at him and slowly rubs circles on his back, somehow knowing exactly what he needed. The friendship between the two of them has been rocky, to say the least, but now Taylor would probably be his closest friend. They sit down on his couch in comfortable silence, Buck starts wringing his hand as he doesn’t know how to start this conversation. Saying it out loud, just makes it all so much more real, and he has never really talked about his abandonment issues in detail besides with his therapist. Taylor grabs Buck’s hand and holds on to it, “I’m here, take your time”
He takes a big breath and shares a part of himself he hasn't to anyone, “I always had abandonment issues, it all stemmed from when I was little. My parents never paid attention to me, only glancing at me whenever I got injured, so I started doing stupid reckless things just so they would notice me, care for me, but it would never last. They would get more annoyed with me as I dropped out of school and did reckless hobbies, but everything was fine because at least I had my sister, Maddie. I asked her to leave with me one day, away from my parents and she said she would, but the day after she left me with a note saying I had to go without her."
"I didn’t know it at the time but Maddie was going through a really bad relationship, and she had to let me go by myself, but all I knew at the time was that she left me alone, abandoned me when I needed her just like my parents who couldn’t care less what happened to me. I left, moved around, and sent Maddie postcards of everything. I had a lot of adventures, but it wasn’t until I was in Perú bartending that someone asked me to go to LA with them, just as the tv was showing firefighters, and I just knew that I found my calling."
"Then I came here and well you knew Buck 1.0, I almost got fired, but I proved myself and I built a family here. The next thing I know, I met Eddie and Christopher and they became my little family, I got too comfortable and I thought I fit. Maddie came and fell in love with Chim, everything was looking so nice, I finally had a big loving dysfunctional family that loves and cares about me. But no, nothing lasts, I got injured with the firetruck bombing and was told to work up to my job. I worked for months, did all the training, went through rehab and therapy sessions, and got a clean bill of health."
"Just for me to cough up blood at my own welcome back party, Bobby who I thought had my back was apparently the reason why I couldn’t get back, and like I said I didn’t have much, being a firefighter is all I am. It was a huge knife in the back, so I was angry and filed that stupid lawsuit. I still think I was right but I regret every doing the lawsuit, I regret it because it ruined my new family, and now I’m all alone again with no one to talk to.”
Buck breathes in as he feels the panic in his chest rising. No one loves you, no one cares, you’re not worthy of love. Taylor holds onto Buck’s face with both hands, making sure he’s looking her in the eyes. “Buck, listen to me. You have me, I care about you so much and I know we didn’t start great but truthfully you’re one of my closest friends. You helped me when I needed it, now please let me help you.” Buck pulls in a shaky breath, “Closest friend huh?” Taylor just smiles at him “Don’t let it get to your already humongous ego” she says jokingly. They sit in silence for a little, Buck taking the time to relax and reel in his thoughts. They talk about other things for another hour or two, about their childhood and traumas. It was easy talking to Taylor.
“Okay, so I’m going to say something and you are probably not going to like it. But please keep an open mind as you know it’s all out of love and care for you” Taylor looks at him nervously.
“The thing I was going to say, and hear me out before you shut it down, I think you should leave LA. This is not good for your mental health, they are making you feel worthless, and that is not okay. You need new scenery, a fresh start, somewhere that you can work on yourself before dealing with them. Kind of like when you left home and went traveling and look it brought you here, so maybe it’s time for you to let life take you somewhere else? If it happens to lead you back here someday then it does but right now, I think you need to put some distance between you and the people who are causing these unwanted feelings.” She says in one breath, wanting to get it all out before Buck could interrupt. Unwanted feelings, much like the ones you have for Eddie.
She didn't have to worry about interruptions as the man in question was deadly silent. Buck was contemplating everything said, she had a point. Maybe he should resign from the LAFD and become a firefighter somewhere else. He had heard that a team is being created in Austin, Texas. Texas, where Eddie used to live, Eddie, Chris… Leaving them.
Maybe this is for the best, it was a win-win situation for everyone involved. So lost in thought, he didn’t hear Taylor calling his name, “You okay?” She asks and he can only nod his head. He had to do this, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m going to resign from the LAFD as soon as possible, but first I have a lot to figure out.” Sighing, he gets up to get a beer. He has a lot of work to do.
“Well I have to say, I didn’t think you would agree so quickly, but this is the right choice. I will be helping you with everything of course, and help you iron out all the details. Do you have any idea where you want to go? have an idea or several on how to resign without seeing the team and having to explain, as I don't think they deserve any explanations.”
Yeah, it is official Taylor is an angel.
"Okay, so let's start planning," Buck says determinedly. After much thinking, Buck decides that he doesn't want anyone to know he was leaving and only wanted to keep in contact with Taylor and Christopher.
"I know I want to keep in contact with Chris, he is already afraid of losing me and I don't want to add to that, but I also don't want Eddie to know that I'm leaving. How am I going to say to Chris without Eddie knowing?" Buck sighs, this is already so difficult.
"Well, Carla watches Christopher, right? So why don't we call Carla and ask her to bring Chris to your apartment one day without Eddie's knowledge and tell Carla to keep it a secret? We could tell Albert that you need some space, which is true, and then ask if he wants to find a new roommate or sublease the place. Either way, he will know you're not going to be staying at the apartment but won't know the exact reason, therefore he can't go to Chim. As for the team, they really don't deserve explanations, so I think you should write letters to everyone that you will miss, excluding the team, and I can go give it to Captain Nash with your resignation letter."
"Okay, that sounds like a good plan. We can trust Carla not to say anything and it would be nice to say goodbye to her and Chris in person. I heard a Captain from New York moved to Texas to build a new team after the tragedy that happened there. I'm going to see if I can go there, it's still pretty close by so you could come to visit, I mean that is if you want to." He says bashfully.
"Well, of course, I'm going to want to visit. Alright, you set everything up and let me know how it goes." Taylor says as she leaves.
A few days later, Buck asked Carla to bring Chris over to his place so that they could talk.
"Buck!" Christopher screams as he runs into his arms, giving him a huge hug. "Hey Superman, I missed you," Buck says, holding him tight. He hugs Carla next, just as tightly, and smiles as she hugs him just as tightly back.
Carla seemed to realize that something was amiss as well, holding Buck's shoulder in reassurance, "Is something wrong Buckaroo?" she asks worriedly, and maybe it's the fact that no one calls him that anymore, everyone on the team calls him Buckley now, maybe that's why Buck is suddenly fighting back tears.
Christopher always noticing when something is wrong, reaches out to him. "It's going to be okay, Kid," He says, echoing his words from the day of the tsunami, and it makes Buck smile. He has a whole speech to build up to his declaration, but one look at the worried Chris and Carla has him blurting out the words "I'm leaving to Texas in a few days, and I want no one to know except you guys and Taylor Kelly." he looks up, and maybe he should've been a little more tactful than that because both Carla and Chris look like they're fighting tears.
It takes a couple of hours, but after promising that he would keep in touch with Chris and making him promise to not tell anyone, Chris finally understands that he needs to go away to better himself.
"So you're not feeling good?" He asks confused.
Buck smiles, "That's right buddy, and I'm going to go to Texas to get better."
"But why can't you get better here? There are doctors here that can make you feel better and you don't have to leave?"
He sighs, "It's more complicated than that kid, I have to go away. But I promise I will call you every single week no matter what."
And if Chris happens to not let go of Buck the entire night and makes Buck promise that he would never forget him, well that stays between them. Carla was a little more difficult as he had to tell her a shortened version of some of the things that have happened, after making her promise she wouldn't act differently in front of Eddie because of this, she gave her a momma hug and told him to keep himself safe. Buck knew it was going to be hard, but he felt like his heart was going to tear in two when he saw Chris had tears streaming down his face and tried to stay at his apartment as long as he could.
"You're still going to be my Buck right?" Chris asks in between sniffles.
"Of course superman, you will always have a place in my heart buddy," Buck says crying too.
The two left, and Buck looked around his mostly empty apartment in awe. Buck has successfully planned everything out and wrote all the letters he needed to. He contemplated telling Maddie and Athena everything in person before he left but decided against it, the last thing he wants is to cause any more problems than he already has. His one-way flight to Texas is in 2 days, and no one knows but Carla, Chris, and Taylor.
He's so lost in thought, he doesn't hear the knock at the door until the third time.
Opening the door, there's a small girl staring at him with ocean blue eyes, in her hand is a small piece of paper. Thinking she was here to sell girl scout cookies or something, he glanced at her warily, "Um hi little girl, are you here to sell anything? I'm not really interested." She just shakes her head no. Buck looks around and doesn't see an adult anywhere nearby, and well now he's a little worried.
Kneeling down to be eye to eye with the little girl, he speaks softly, "Where are your parents? It's not safe to be in front of a stranger's house without an adult." he says. She looks at him in confusion, "But I'm at my dad's house." She says matter-of-factly.
All he can do is stare, "I- there must be a mistake, I'm not your dad?" He asks confused.
"Here, this letter is for you. Can I come inside and have some water please?" she was very polite, he knew that much. Buck decides that whatever is going on, it would probably be safer if she came in. She looked around his apartment in awe, much like how he was a few minutes ago. Although he doubted they were in awe of the apartment for the same reason. He quickly opens the piece of paper and reads.
Dear Buck,
If you're reading this then what I hoped would never happen, happened. I know you're probably really confused and I'm so sorry that I never told you anything, but the girl at your doorstep is Penelope, and well she is your daughter. I found out I was pregnant right after we broke up, and I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that I would have to give up my job or stay behind. Now, my job wants me to go away for a long time and I can't take Penelope with me. I gave away custody for her already and changed her last name from Roberts to Buckley. Please take care of her, or she is going to have to go through the foster system. I have all the legal papers included, along with her birth certificate.
I'm so sorry it had to be like this,
-Sofiya
Buck sat down in shock, he had a daughter, a daughter he didn't know existed until now. Now, when he was just about to move his entire life to Texas. Looking at the little girl- his daughter, he can't help but be in awe of how tiny she is. She has blue eyes and blonde hair like him, even having a tiny baby birthmark on her forehead that he didn't notice before. He opened the other paper to find her birth certificate, his daughter is 4 years old.
Not knowing what to do about the strange turn of events, he calls Taylor.
"Uh hey T, so let's say something happened that would have to change the way I lived in Texas, would it possible for me to still move in 2 days?" He asks nervously.
"Depends, what happened? What did you do Buck?" She asks exasperated.
Looking at the mini version of himself, he nonchalantly told her to come over, as this wasn't something he could share over the phone.
A few minutes later there's a knock on the door, he opens it and sees Taylor standing there confused. "Okay so not that I mind coming over but what happened, why did you-" She stops abruptly staring at the tiny girl.
"Who is that?" She asks slowly. Buck looks down at his daughter in admiration, "Well umm apparently I have a daughter?" he says as he's grinning ear to ear.