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"God, long time no see huh?"
Silence filled the air.
"There were a lot more titan shifters among us than we thought."
He wiped down the grave head with the cloth in his back pocket. The corner of his mouth quirked a bit upwards from feeling the outline of his beloved's name.
"First Annie, then Ymir, then Reiner and Bertolt. These new recruits are something else. It's very odd, don't you think, Petra?" He positioned himself in front of the rough stone, trying to settle in by crossing his legs.
Silence filled the air once again, but it wasn't suffocating like it used to be at night while he lay in his bed trying to think of anything else besides the excruciating stillness of the atmosphere. Usually, the Levi squad would be up drinking and whispering about the usual things. He sometimes had to get up and tell them to get some sleep before the long day ahead of them. He would stare into Petra's honey-colored eyes a bit longer than everyone else. He would eye the slope of Petra's nose when she turned to the side or examine the animated expressions she would make while talking about certain things, like how excited she was for the new recruits and whatnot. Levi never realized he did all of these things, of course. But after coming to terms with his embedded feelings, he began to comprehend everything. He usually enjoyed the silence, but this silence felt eerie and unforgiving rather than welcoming and comfortable.
The pain felt different after the death of Petra. It wasn't how it usually felt when he lost someone he deeply cared about. It was an entirely new experience. It felt like something was wrapped around his neck, choking him for dear life. He struggled to breathe through the barbed wires. It felt longing and unavoidable. He couldn't push this down to the core of his body like he usually had done in the past. It ached more and left a burning sensation on his body, never leaving. It felt as if someone was slowly cutting off every single one of his body parts slowly like he had done in the past to interrogate someone. He felt like he was under the crashing waves, unable to break for the surface. He didn't feel like his own.
It wasn't like he wavered from his usual stoic expression and his stand-offish behavior, his comrades just noticed the different way he held himself. His confidence in the leadership title he held, plummeted. Humanity's savior, to him, felt like a weight rather than a title he deserved from his extraordinary actions that saved multiples times 100.
Levi would get up in the middle of the night when the hush was at its worst, making tea to fill the silence with the scream of the teapot. Then tottering his chair as he sips his glass, the squeaks of the old wood filling the void. At times, Hange would stay the night to keep Levi company with her squawky voice and bouncing personality without him having to ask because she knew. Hange knew that Levi needed someone to fill the empty quietness but she would only say random excuses like, "Erwin told me I have to get out of the office before I stay up all night," or "the new recruits are being too loud while I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!" Levi would always silently comply, knowing she was just worried.
He now knows the feeling. He knows when someone is worried about something or someone. Levi knew that Hange was worried about him like he was worried about Petra before knowing what state she was in during the female titan attack.
However, things have gotten better. Ever since the new members filled the spaces that the old ones left. They were rowdy and annoying but Levi secretly enjoyed their company, never admitting to it of course. He felt a bit lighter and the aching would subside.
Levi talked and talked to Petra's plaque while getting no pretty voice in return. Even so, it was alright. He was okay with this silence because he had a sliver of hope that she was there listening and smiling and maybe even doing those little hand motions she does while getting engaged in a conversation. Now that thought made him crack a small smile.
---
A necklace hung on Levi's neck that always stayed hidden under his shirt. The ring he placed on Petra's finger moments before her death, looped around the silver chain. It was comfortable and the ring always managed to sit right next to his heart as if it did it on purpose. The jingling sound it made when he would ride his horse gave him a sense of comfort. Sometimes it would feel like Petra was still on expeditions with them, riding her horse behind him.
He would sometimes toy with the ring when he was alone or if a certain journey beyond the walls felt a bit dangerous before they took their leave. He may even place his delicate lips on the warmed metal, only when the silence had gotten unbearable.
Levi kept his love for Petra pretty much under wraps. He never mentioned it nor did he answer silly questions about "love affairs" that the scouts were always curious about. The only ones who knew were Hange, Erwin, Petra's family, and himself. It wasn't like he was ashamed, he just rather keep something so vulnerable and personal behind his walls. He never wanted to seem weak to anyone.
However, rumors went around regarding Levi being once married. The scouts overheard a military police officer talking about it, that the military police officer heard when Petra's father was oversharing to a shop owner, by accident of course. It was just overwhelming for him, his own daughter dying and all.
It was brought up into conversation a few days prior to an expedition. Erwin, Hange, and the scouts were preparing things when Connie decided to speak up.
"So I heard that the captain's been married before? It seems weird to me, I could never see him as the relationship type is all."
Connie regretted those words as soon as he saw the stares he was given by his superiors.
"Who'd you hear such a thing from, Connie?" Erwin questioned, wiping off a cup he was using moments before. The room went silent.
"Oh- um, it was just going around, ya know? Thought I would be the person to finally ask." Sweat began to bead up on the side of Connie's forehead while rubbing the nape of his neck.
"I'm sure you all are very curious to know about Captain Levi's secret, secret life. Well, I've got news for you guys! That is ultimately none of your business. Plus, if you want to know so bad then you could've asked him yourself." Hange stated, putting her hands on her hips and a big smile painting her face.
"We know, it's just that Captain scares us," Sasha says as her mouth is full with a potato she snagged from a vacant table earlier.
"Very intimidating," Armin adds, playing with the hem of his shirt absent-mindedly.
"He doesn't strike us as the 'shares personal information' kinda guy." Jean puts in.
"Well, shouldn't that answer your questions? Don't bring this up again under any circumstances, got it? If I hear about this topic from anyone else then there will be severe consequences. I know you will all comply with my orders, correct?" Erwin proclaimed, his deep voice booming against the walls and into their open ears.
"Yes sir," The scouts shouted in unison.
All the while, Levi was standing in the hallway clutching the necklace that wrung across his neck, holding the ring the barred his memories of the girl he would love for the rest of his life.
No one spoke of it again.
---
Levi would always visit her grave when he had time, ranting and raving about his day or the new "Levi Squad" or just about anything that came to his mind.
He was content. He wouldn't reminisce and get himself stuck in drowning silence anymore. He didn't overthink himself into a hole of things he could've done differently to save Petra. No one bugged him about his past or anything of the sort. His superiors would stop staring at him longer than usual to analyze if he'd gotten enough sleep. No one tip-toed around him and acted like he was a ticking time bomb.
Levi was happy he had gotten to experience love because not many have. Not many received the lucky chance to fall in love with someone's everything. From time to time he would miss her honey-colored eyes or her ginger hair that framed her face just right, but it was normal to miss the love of your life. He was calm and composed Levi again when he was alone instead of the opposing.
He was floating on a pool floatie above the crashing waves, and everything was how it used to be. Humanity's savior wasn't afraid of anything anymore. He would even jump out of his floatie and swim through the waves head-on. Because he knows, he is strong and he'll survive. No matter the size of the weight you throw at him, he will always persevere and end up on top, stronger; if that was even humanly possible for Levi Ackerman.
Levi is still clinging, just like Petra once did for him.