Chapter Text
It was already dark,when he left Trafalgar House with Eliza. He was supposed to take her to the hotel and come back. After Charlotte left , Sidney decided to stay at Trafalgar House. So he could somehow excluded Miss Campion's company on the pretext, that he must help Tom,with the documents. Mary invited Eliza today, she wanted to establish a relationship with her, after all they are one family now.She felt tension and tried to somehow improve the attitude, despite the fact,that Eliza did not miss the opportunity, to remind everyone of her status,that she was from high society and was not used to a simple life. How unpleasant it all is to lead, especially,that there is nothing you can do about it. The fate of the whole family depends on her mood, if she changes her mind,or does not want to repay Tom's debts, then it's scary to think about,what will happen. And the price of her mood is,of course,Sidney. He went crazy from this one thought, he seemed to be sold into slavery and what is most terrible, to whom? To one who broke his heart 10 years ago and now she thinks,that she made the right choice then, as she said,she had to arrange her life ...
Of course she had the right to do so ,what could he offer her then? Yes, he was wealthy enough, but he couldn't give her either a title or a luxurious life. And for many years he was oppressed by this very thought,that he was not rich enough to live with his beloved woman.At that time She was a Goddess for him. Beautiful, smart, elegant,she had an intelligent family. Everyone could dream of such a bride,and she chose him, she loved him,but he could not provide her with the life she dreamed of. But now looking back at his life, Sidney understood,how he had changed over these 10 years. How his values changed after living in Antigua for several years. He went there devastated and without any incentive to live, he reached the edge of the germ, he was one step away from death, and only thanks to Mr. Lambs he did not completely fall into the germ. He now understands how much this man meant in his life,he taught him how to value human relations, how important it is to be able to respect a person,despite his status. And after returning to London, he seemed to feel out of place. Although he returned from Antigua as a successful businessman, he was received by the upper circles of London, but for some reason everything around him seemed hypocrisy. But after all, this was always the case. If earlier he, on the contrary, sought to join this society, it seemed to him,that this was the dream, now it all annoyed him.Eliza is a bright representative of the English beau monde, then she was the ultimate dream for him, now an object, the value of which for him has long been lost.
For a long time he felt uncomfortable in this expensive,but artificial London world, only friends saved from all this.
Now everything has become much more unbearable. Crowe was in London,he doesn't want spent his time in Sanditon, Babington is married, he is almost invisible, he doesn't want to part with Esther for a minute.
How happy they are...
Every time Sidney saw them together, he remembered Babington's words at the ball, "You keep your eyes on her all evening, what are you waiting for?"
Really, what had he been waiting for all summer,while she was in Sanditon? He could enjoy her, while she was around,not fight her, not repel her so cruelly. If he had not so violently pushed thoughts away from himself that he really liked her, he could have at least a little get from her the warmth,that she gave to everyone around her,which he lacked so much for many years. If he would have listened to her then, it was not for nothing,that from the very first minutes,she tried to warn, that Tom was not doing so well. Maybe if he supported him more, he would not have to refuse from insurance,and now everything would be different...
But what can be done now? Nothing!
And he can only get angry at himself. And maybe he would have measured, but the thought of how painfully he hit Charlotte, his heart was breaking. The realization,that this was the only choice,that could save not only his family, but first of all Charlotte with such a painful price,did not bring him into peace ...
Every time he was replaying in his head that ill-fated week in London ,when he was trying to find funds to pay off debts, he tormented himself with thoughts, could he solve the issue in a different way? There was one way out, he could somehow miraculously find the money to pay off Tom's debts, but they could not return the dept in any way, and he simply could take upon himself all Tom's obligation and go to the debt prison. Given his current situation, then most likely he would have preferred to go to prison, than to live as in slavery. But then in London he perfectly saw and realized the future. Knowing Charlotte's character, he understood that nothing in the world would force her, to abandon him and she would bear the whole weight of the situation with him. But he would not allow such a fate for her, even if he had to sacrifice himself. The engagement to Eliza was the first to settle this issue. He hoped that Charlotte would be angry with him, maybe she would hate him, maybe someday she would be able to forget him and love someone again.
He was able to find love, after such a hard blow that Eliza inflicted, even though he didn't think it would happen someday.
He was sure, that it would be better for Charlotte to find the person, who would be worthy of her and who would provide her with the life she deserves, even though he understood,that without her his meaning in life would be lost, but he could not allow her take over his problems.
He wanted only a decent and happy life for Charlotte, which he could not provide for her with such debts. But at the very thought of her last words on cliffhanger, everything turned inside him. How could she even at this moment think not about her broken heart, but about the fact,that he should be happy in marriage, she did not even let him finish, he could not even tell her how much he loves her and how much she means to him ...
How to live with this further? How can he try to make someone happy, if his heart is somewhere out there, in Willingdon,with her, only with her.
All the way to the Hotel they walked in silence. Eliza has always been restrained, over the years she has become a real lady from high society. No unnecessary emotions, every gesture, every step is thought out. In each of her words, you can grasp the hidden meaning and at the same time she could not be shy in expressions, if she wanted to offend someone. True, she does all this with a hypocritical smile, but this makes it even more disgusting. How can you treat people like that? Even if they are lower in status than you. Sidney couldn't understand why she became like this.But the fact is,that it began to annoy him more and more.
The past few days have been an ordeal for Sidney. After Babincton's wedding, Eliza did not want to return to London alone. She decided to stay with him in Sanditon,until he finished his business. Her mood is quite persistent, given how she relates to provincial life, it was clear, that she would not enjoy the resort life, she just needed to constantly monitor Sidney. And he understood it perfectly. She decided to wait for Sidney, to finish his business in Sanditon,then they could travel to London together.
At the very thought of what awaited him in London, he was simply seized with rage. She planned so many meetings, balls , events , she had to show her trophy to the beau monde. He cannot yet refuse her, but agree to this role for him like death.
As soon as they reached the hotel, he politely said goodbye to her and went to walk along the beach to refresh his thoughts a little. Tomorrow another difficult exam awaited him. Tom decided to have a family dinner ,to invite Arthur with Diana and Georgiana. And of course Sidney had a hard time imagining Georgie's interaction with Eliza. He knew how negative Eliza felt about blacks and how Georgie felt about this whole situation. He knew,that a difficult meeting awaited him, but he could not even imagine that it would be so unpleasant.