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When Nanako Hasegawa was young and dreamt of her future as a mother she always pictured having a daughter. Of course, she thought about the dresses and bows and other cute outfits she could put a little girl in, she pictured girls’ trips and spa days, but more than anything else she wanted boy talk. When she first met Oliver she went straight to her mother to talk all about the boy she couldn’t get out of her head and was eternally grateful for the support her own mother gave that day. Nanako dreamt of being there like that for a daughter of her very own. She wondered when her daughter would get her first crush, and when she could share everything about how she and Oliver fell in love. By the time she got pregnant she had thought up more than enough different scenarios about how those conversations might go, the only scenario she didn’t count on was having a son.
Nanako was never disappointed that her first and only child ended up a son rather than a daughter - in fact, when Langa was born she realized that having her beautiful baby at all was more wonderful than anything else she could’ve dreamt up - it’s just that she was so caught up in the daughter fantasy that she wasn’t sure what to expect. Having a son was an entirely different territory, and to her knowledge boys just weren’t as likely to tell their parents about crushes, and even if he did, he’d probably go to Oliver. In that case, she’d leave it to them.
Well, even after Oliver’s passing Nanako didn’t think Langa would start coming to her with relationship woes. As far as she could tell he never even talked to his father about these things. When Langa did tell her about liking someone it was certainly unexpected.
“You have to act on it if you really care about her!”
“Her?”
“Huh?”
“Huh?”
Okay. There’s a lot to unpack there. For what feels like the millionth time Nanako finds herself looking to the family picture on the table and wishing that, if even for just one more day, Oliver could be there still, helping her make sense of raising their boy.
“I know you had mentioned going out tonight,” Nanako starts, tentatively, “But do you think we could talk about this a bit more before that?”
Langa simply nods, grabbing another bite of his dinner. At least he doesn’t sound upset or like he feels that she’s prying too much. Okay, Nanako thinks, I can do this .
“So this boy you like then, is it that Reki you’ve told me about?”
He looks to the side and nods slightly again. This time accompanied by a blush covering his whole face, his propensity for which, he got from his father. Sure, Nanako would love for a bit more conversation on Langa’s part, but she’s grateful to even get this much out of him.
“So you’re gay then? Bisexual? Sorry, I don’t really know all the terminology, but I’ll learn whatever you need me to.”
“Just gay,” Langa swallows, “...I think. I’ve never really liked a girl before but, ah how do I put this? I never really realized I liked boys either until I realized I like Reki.”
“That’s alright,” Nanako does her best at reassuring, “I take it you never told your father, then?”
“No,” Langa looks away again. It seems like there’s more on his mind, something just on the tip of his tongue, but Nanako doesn’t push. She knows it must’ve taken a lot out of him to share as much as he has, the quiet kid he’s always been.
“Dad...” Langa starts again, “would he have... would he be upset?”
In just four words Nanako feels like she could cry.
“Honey,” Nanako says, reaching her hand across the table to grab her son’s, “you don’t really think that, do you? Your father loved you more than anything else in the world. Even more than snowboarding, which is quite the feat by his standard.”
Langa lets out a breathy laugh, but it’s small. Cautious, almost. Like if he laughs too hard it might all be a joke. Nanako just squeezes his hand tighter, staring him in the eyes.
“Me too, you know? You’re the best gift this world could ever give me, and nothing you say or do could make me love you any less.” She takes a moment to breathe, trying to quell the lump in her throat, “I wish your father was here now, to see how much his little boy has grown. And if he were here, I know he’d say the same as me.”
“Please don’t cry, mom.” Langa squeezes her hand in return, but all it does is fan the flames. She wipes a few tears from her eyes with her free hand before she can start crying in earnest.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll get a hold of myself. I can’t help it though, my baby’s growing up right in front of my eyes, and I couldn’t be more proud.”
“Thank you, mom.”
“Anytime,” Nanako smiles, “Now go on out and make things right with Reki, and be sure to bring him home someday, I’d love to meet the boy who captured my son’s heart.”
“Don’t say it like that,” Langa says, with a look, “But how did you know I’m planning to see Reki, anyway?”
“Don’t forget I was young and in love once too, sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet the guy you like is nothing new to me,” Nanako says with a laugh, “Yes, that is to say, you’re not as discreet as you think you are. If you’re spending the night at Reki’s just let me know from now on. And... be safe.”
(Right, sneaking out just to see Reki, and not to skate in illegal, underground races. Well, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.)
“Alright, I will.” Langa replies, standing to clear his dishes, “And mom? I love you.”
“I love you too sweetie, now come give me a hug before you head out.” With Langa in her arms, she is reminded, not for the first time, that she’s doing this alone. Raising a teenage boy is never easy, especially on your own, and Nanako feels almost at a loss. There’s only so much she can do for her son in situations like this, even though she’d move the stars in the sky for him if that’s what he needed. “I am so very proud of you, and I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me about this. Go talk to Reki, and remember what I told you about being honest about your feelings.”
As soon as the door closes behind Langa, Nanako can’t hold back anymore, letting tears stream freely down her face as she clutches the family photo. Oh, Oliver, where did the time go? Every time I think I’m getting close to knowing what’s going on in that brain of his he just keeps on growing. I wish you were here to tell me that everything’s going to be okay. To tell your son exactly what he needs to hear, because I will never be ready to do this on my own.
She holds the photo in front of her to gaze again at her late husband, and staring into Oliver’s eyes she begins to laugh, big and bright as she realizes her dreams of boy talk with her child aren’t entirely out the window. It’s silly, really, after all that she’s had to think about this evening, but in this revisited moment of mourning, she decides to hold onto what makes her smile. Time spent with her son is what makes her smile.