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Sayo woke up in the darkness of her apartment, the faint light streaming in from the edges of her curtains suggesting that it was daytime. She'd been losing track of time, the past couple of days. At least the throbbing, aching sensation in her body—particularly the lower half—was more bearable than it had been when she'd gone to sleep.
"Oh, you're awake!" It was Hina's voice. She must have let herself in at some point, because Sayo had no memory of having done so. Or of telling Hina when exactly she would be in heat this time around, but it was entirely possible, seeing as it was Hina, that her sister had figured it out herself. That, or one of Sayo's worrywart friends had blabbed again, concerned about Sayo's well-being.
Sayo really wasn't in the mood to talk to Hina at the moment, so she just groaned and lay back down. Hina continued undeterred, voice obnoxiously cheerful. "You should probably take some medicine, at least. I got you a sports drink and some other stuff I left in the fridge, if you feel like eating anything later."
"I see." Even saying that much felt like an enormous effort.
"Well, I've got a photography shoot to get to, so I won't bother you too much longer. This'll end in another day or so, right? That's what Lisacchi said. Let's talk some more then, okay?" She brushed a lock of Sayo's hair out of her face and turned to leave the bedroom, Sayo unable or unwilling to give her a response.
In any case, one mystery had been solved. Sayo reached toward the side table and grabbed her phone, wincing at the bright light it emitted. A stream of message notifications trailed down her screen, and while Sayo was hardly feeling up to reading them all, she couldn't help but notice they all shared the same sender.
If I worry her that much, she might as well just come herself, rather than delegating it to Hina, Sayo thought, mildly annoyed. It might have been better not to have told Lisa about this heat cycle in the first place, but Lisa hated it when Sayo neglected to mention even unimportant things, so if forced to choose this was probably the better option.
Sayo had a pretty good idea as to why Lisa hadn't come over, anyway. It had been the same way in high school—even though normally she had no qualms about butting into other people's business, whenever the word "omega" came up she grew strangely reticent, as though those sorts of issues were best handled by Hina, or Rinko, or someone who had a closer personal connection to the world Sayo lived in.
Not that Sayo would ever really have minded. If she'd really hated Lisa's nosiness, she would have clearly said so a long time ago. Of course, that didn't mean she wanted to share her secrets with any old person on the street, and there were certainly times where Sayo wanted to talk to someone who was going through similar experiences to hers, but it wasn't as though the labels of "omega" and "beta" had created some kind of impenetrable wall between her and Lisa. Though sometimes, Lisa really seemed to think that was the case.
Sayo sighed and rolled over in bed. Maybe it was the sexual desire that Lisa found off-putting, the idea that her straight-laced friend every few months became unable to control herself, to the point where she started to think that doing it with anyone would be fine, as long as it made her symptoms fade. Sayo herself felt vaguely nauseous about the whole thing, so it made sense for someone not in the same situation to look on it with disgust.
But this wasn't a good time for deep thinking, so she buried her head in her pillow and tried to escape into sleep once more.
"Are you really sure you're okay like this?" Hina asked, in between mouthfuls of rice. She and Lisa were in Sayo's apartment again, ostensibly to give Sayo some company after being mostly stuck in her room the last few days, but it was beginning to seem as though Hina's real motivation lay elsewhere.
"Like what?" Sayo asked, playing dumb.
"Just trying to bear everything by yourself! You don't think it would be good to pair up with someone?"
"I'm not interested in forming a bond with someone I don't even like just for this purpose." Sayo put down her chopsticks and glanced over at Lisa, who was staring at her bowl and being unusually quiet. An awkward conversation for her to be a part of, perhaps.
"What about Rinko, then? You guys get along well, and when you did it with her earlier this year it seemed like it was a lot easier for you to get through."
Sayo grimaced, pretending not to notice that Lisa had begun staring at her instead. "She is a good friend of mine, but neither of us really felt comfortable being in that sort of relationship. It's for the best." She hadn't really wanted to know that Rinko—as modest and gentle a person as Sayo knew—fell into the same overwhelming sexual desire as Sayo did, her normally placid eyes burning with a lust Sayo had found, in the moment, irresistible. As much as they'd wanted to pretend that there were no strings attached, the strings had, of course, manifested themselves in their usual friendship in a way Sayo wanted to avoid if at all possible.
"You're going to have to do it eventually, though, right? It always seems like you're suffering, so I just thought maybe you'd be happier if you found someone sooner rather than later."
"I think I can make my own decisions regarding what makes me happy," Sayo shot back, feeling her tone grow colder. "I don't think someone who'd have sex with anyone who asked her would understand."
Hina laughed. "Maybe someday you'll grow out of being so old-fashioned!" She quickly wolfed down the rest of her food, rattling the table slightly as she put her bowl down. "Anyway, if I stay any longer Chisato's gonna get mad at me, so I'll see you guys later! Sorry for making you do all the cleaning up!"
She skipped out the door and, finally, Sayo turned to meet Lisa's gaze. "You got awfully quiet during that last conversation."
"Are you trying to say I'm usually loud? And there wasn't any important reason or anything, really. I just didn't feel like I had anything to contribute." She sighed. "You want my help cleaning up?"
"If you're offering, I'd appreciate it."
Sayo had assumed that Lisa's changing the subject indicated she was no longer interested in continuing the conversation Sayo and Hina had been having, but as they scrubbed the few dishes that were left clean she spoke again.
"Rinko, huh… I had no idea."
"Did I not mention it to you?" It had been very much intentional, not telling Lisa about what she and Rinko had done, but Sayo tried her best to play it off as unimportant. Lisa always acted awkward when Sayo brought up these kinds of topics, so she'd just wanted to avoid making her uncomfortable. And she herself had felt strangely reticent around Lisa when it came to Rinko, for reasons she wasn't sure of, or perhaps didn't want to be sure of.
"You definitely didn't. But, well, I don't think it's a bad thing either? From what you and Hina say it seems like a really rough time for you, and if, uh, being with someone else makes that better, then—"
"So you're on her side, too? You think you know what I want, even more than I do myself?"
Lisa's eyes flared up. "Well, what do you want, then, Sayo? To me, it seems stupid to suffer for no good reason, especially if you're going to eventually choose an alpha as a permanent partner anyway."
"Who says I am? As I mentioned earlier, I'm not Hina, having sex with random people for the thrill of it. What if the person I end up caring about most is another omega? What then? Or even a beta?"
Lisa flinched noticeably at those last words. "The world doesn't work like that, though, Sayo. And you're always so negative about these things, anyway. Think about it like this: there's some alpha out there who'll be able to make you happy, body and mind, like you're made for each other. And all you have to do is search for them. Isn't that kinda nice?"
"I've never thought of it like that, as the person who actually has to experience it. And why exactly are you so concerned about this, all of a sudden?"
"I'm concerned because I care about you! I want you to be happy, even though it doesn't seem like you're doing a whole lot on your end to make that happen lately."
"If you really care that much, then why don't you ever come check up on me yourself? Why do you always hide behind Hina?" Sayo's voice came out more bitter than she'd anticipated, and, upon seeing Lisa's eyes widen in surprise, instantly regretted her words. Not that they could be taken back, now.
Lisa dropped the dishes she'd been rinsing in the sink with a clatter that suggested one of the plates might have chipped, and quickly dried off her hands and left the kitchen.
"I'm going home for tonight," she said in a barely audible voice, and as she walked past Sayo could see tears in her eyes.
Staring blankly after Lisa, Sayo tried her best to swallow the lump in her own throat. The click of the door locking behind Lisa had an unpleasant finality she hoped was just her imagination.
The thing about life after high school, Sayo had learned, was that it was much easier to lose track of people. Even with people whose company you enjoyed, it was very possible to spend months without any contact, the bonds you'd thought you'd treasured slowly fading without you even necessarily noticing. So when someone seemed to be intentionally trying to avoid you, who knew when you might next see her.
"I feel like this… might be my fault," Rinko said, looking extremely guilty. "It's sort of like I've, um, gotten between the two of you." She and Sayo were sitting in a sunny corner of their college campus's green, eating lunch together in what had become a frequent ritual for the both of them. Of course, Sayo enjoyed Rinko's company, but in addition to that there were benefits to having an alpha around, someone whose presence (and pheromones) could help protect from unwanted suitors.
Benefits she was sure Lisa was well aware of.
"If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I… may have done a few things I wish I could take back." People had told her she'd changed, over the past couple of years, but one thing that hadn't was her continuing failure to read social situations correctly. Though that was supposed to be Lisa's specialty and she'd said plenty of tactless things to Sayo, so maybe it was an unavoidable affliction.
"In any case… I think it would be better to make up as soon as possible. The longer you spend away from each other… it might be hard to return to the way you were…"
"You're probably right." Now if only Lisa would respond to Sayo's messages, which was not a problem she was used to having. Sayo was hardly the kind of person who carried on conversations with a large number of people, so without Lisa filling them up her phone notifications felt oddly lonely.
A fallen flower petal from a nearby tree, carried by the breeze, landed on Sayo's thigh. Rinko brushed it off, fingers gently grazing Sayo's jeans, and Sayo, despite herself, flinched.
Rinko's eyes widened. "I'm sorry! That kind of thing… wasn't what I was intending, at all…"
"It's fine. Please don't worry about it, it's not as though I feel uncomfortable around you or anything, just…" So she said, but an awkward atmosphere still descended around the two of them. The memory of Rinko's fingers touching her thigh, and plenty of other places as well, had flashed back into Sayo's head in lurid detail, despite her best efforts to curtail it off in its own locked closet.
It was really this body of hers that was the problem, wasn't it. If only she wasn't plagued by this damn uncontrollable biology, then there would be no uncomfortable interactions with Rinko, no need to take scheduled breaks from classes because of heat… no conflict with Lisa.
"Well… if you ever need help with anything, um, I'll do my best to help you… even if, um, it's that again."
"I have no intention of making that sort of request of you, but thank you." Sayo leaned back on the stone bench they were sitting on, staring aimlessly upwards. "You've really done a lot for me. I've probably asked too much, honestly."
"I… don't mind, really…"
If only, Sayo thought, it was just Rinko's feelings she had to worry about.
Lisa finally picked up on what was probably Sayo's tenth call to her that week.
"You're awfully persistent," she said by way of greeting.
"Did you expect me to just give up on you?"
There was a long sigh from the other end. "I know. You're not a flaky person. And I wasn't planning to just ignore you forever. I just needed a little bit of time to get my feelings in order."
"…Are they in order now, then?"
She laughed. "Straight to the point, aren't you? The answer's still no, but I don't mind meeting up to talk. That's what you wanted to do, right?"
"It is."
"Wanna come over, then?"
"If you'll have me."
"I'll be waiting, then," she said, less cheerfully than she usually ended their calls. But being able to talk to her was a start, and just that had Sayo feeling relieved. Perhaps she'd been worried about her and Lisa's relationship even more than she'd realized.
When Sayo arrived at Lisa's place, she was sitting on the steps in front of her somewhat run-down apartment, a cigarette glowing red between her fingers.
"That's bad for your health."
Lisa looked up. "Hi, Sayo. And yes, I know. I'm not a chain smoker or anything like the person who gave these to me. Just in that sort of mood, I guess."
If they'd still been in high school, Sayo would have had a pretty good idea of which friend or acquaintance Lisa was talking about, but over the past few years their friend circles had begun to overlap less and less. Which wasn't a bad thing inherently, but Sayo couldn't help but feel a sense of distance between them where once there had been none.
She sat down on the steps next to Lisa, gazing out at the street in front of them. It wasn't much of a view, really, just a residential district and not even a particularly new or well-maintained one. But she'd spent enough time in these sorts of places that they'd started to feel comfortable, as though the rusting railings and peeling paint added a certain degree of charm newer buildings lacked.
They were silent for a few more seconds and then Sayo, finally, spoke. "I'm sorry. I said too much, last time we talked."
Lisa offered no response, just putting her cigarette to her lips and exhaling a puff of smoke, which Sayo watched dissipate into the evening air.
"And also," she continued. "I really should have told you about, er, what happened with Rinko. It was a mistake not to mention it."
"Yeah. Well, I'm hardly blameless either. I took some stuff out on you I shouldn't have."
They'd both apologized, theoretically clearing things up between them, but the air still felt heavy. Whatever it was that had caused a rift between them was still open and raw, chafing the closer they got to each other.
This time, it was Lisa who broke the silence. "Hey, Sayo," she said, stubbing out her cigarette on the ashtray next to her, "when you accused me of hiding behind Hina, what exactly did you mean by that?"
Sayo must have given her a guilty look, because she hurriedly continued. "It's not that I'm trying to blame you or anything. I just wanted to know, honestly."
Despite Sayo having spent a good portion of the last week thinking about that same question, the answer refused to come out easily.
"I, well… it feels like you've been a little distant lately, so I might have been trying to make sure you hadn't lost interest in my company." It was a cop-out answer and she knew it.
"Even though I messaged you a million times and came over to make dinner at your place?" A frustrated tone entered Lisa's voice, and she sighed as if to dispel her anger. "Let's say I did come. I'm not Rinko. It's not like I'd be able to do anything for you."
"Is there a reason you're bringing her name up again?"
"Are you being this thick on purpose, Sayo?" She paused, and her tone softened. "I'm jealous, you know? I figured that was why you avoided telling me, because you'd guessed how I'd feel. If I could do for you what she can, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't, so even though it hurts I'd rather you be with someone who can give you the kind of support you'd get from being with an alpha."
"…I said I was fine, though," Sayo mumbled, trying to hide the fact that she'd started blushing. "If the person I ended up caring most about turned out to be a beta, I'd accept everything that came with that."
Lisa's hands cupped Sayo's face, which had been steadily pointed at the steps beneath her, and turned it upwards until they were facing each other. There was a serious look in her eyes, and maybe a hint of desperation.
"You wanna tell me what you meant by that? And no trying to dodge the question, this time."
Reluctantly, Sayo nodded, prying Lisa's hands away. "You said earlier there was nothing you could do for me, but that's not exactly true. Just being by someone's side can go a long way to making things easier, I think. So when I was upset at you for never coming to see me, it was because I wanted someone to be there with me. …In particular, you."
Lisa looked stunned for a second, then seemingly recovered her wits enough to speak.
"That's the kind of thing you should actually tell people, you know, Sayo?"
"I'm sorry for not being the kind of person who just says everything that pops into my head without thinking. And I thought you'd find it repulsive, seeing me like that."
"You trust me that little?"
"Which one of us always avoids the topic whenever someone brings it up?"
"That's—" She stopped, a hurt look on her face. "That's not what I was trying to do. I just didn't feel like it was my place. Like it was something I didn't have the right to butt my head into."
"Did you really think I would have cared? Why didn't you ask me?"
"That's real rich, coming from the person who couldn't even say something as simple as that she wanted me to be with her." Somehow or another, they'd ended up arguing again, even though for a brief moment she'd thought they might have found some common ground.
Sayo stood up, suddenly filled with a petty anger she knew was unproductive but couldn't manage to ignore. Lisa always had this effect on her, throwing her emotions into disarray, in ways both appealing and decidedly not.
"Maybe I should just talk to Rinko again. She seemed willing to offer her help if I needed it, unlike a certain someone."
"Fuck off." As Sayo descended the steps, Lisa kicked the ashtray in her direction, narrowing missing her ankle.
"Hey, you're back!" said Hina, who was reclining at Sayo's tiny dinner table. "Oh, come on, don't look at me like that, it's like we're in the first year of high school again. Seriously not bopping. What happened?"
"None of your business."
"Lisacchi?"
Sayo opened her fridge and poured herself a glass of barley tea. This felt like the kind of situation that called for something stronger, but she had a woeful lack of knowledge about alcohol and there wasn't any in her apartment anyway.
"You guys sure fight a lot, for two people who like each other that much."
"Weren't you just telling me to shack up with someone else?"
"I mean, you can do both, right? Give Lisacchi your heart and give the other person your body every once in a while, that kind of thing."
"I'm sure she'd love that. She specifically said how jealous she was of Rinko, and that's someone she likes."
"She just came out and said that?" Hina asked, cackling. "You must have really pushed her up the wall, huh."
"The feeling's mutual." Sayo downed her glass of tea. "In any case, is there a particular reason you're here?"
"Is 'to see you' no good?"
"You've seen me, haven't you?" Sayo said, sourly. Her sister was very low, as it turned out, on her list of people she wanted to talk to when she was upset.
"Fine, fine, I get it." Hina slowly got up, a cat taking as much time as she could to stretch. "It'd be nice if you guys made up soon."
Sayo ignored that statement, watching as Hina made her leisurely way towards the exit and paused to turn around in the entranceway.
"By the way, Pastel＊Palettes is having a party next week to celebrate our new album release. It'd be nice if you could come~"
"I'll think about it."
The door shut, and Sayo retreated into her bedroom, tossing her phone carelessly on the side table and collapsing onto her bed. Really, she needed to think about preparing dinner, but at the moment it seemed like far too much work. Back in high school, this would no doubt have been a situation where she would have spent the rest of the evening lost in playing her guitar, but that wasn't quite as enticing, these days. When had she last touched it?
It felt like everything had been less complicated, back then. She'd never considered she'd be in a situation where she cared about someone deeply, someone who more or less reciprocated her feelings, and yet the relationship they desired seemed to continually elude both of them. Not for the first time, she envied her sister's carefree attitude towards these sorts of things.
A message lit up her phone, and she picked it up only to realize that it was from her mother, asking some inane question about technology. Though Sayo was the real idiot here, getting excited over the potential of a text from someone she'd just had a fight with.
She buried her face in her pillow once more, hoping in vain that her problems might vanish when she woke up, temporary symptoms of heat that just needed to be endured.
The party was bigger and wider in scale than Sayo had originally expected. She had mostly come on a whim, not really paying attention to what it was that Hina had said they were celebrating, but it seemed like this album was a big deal, and that its early sales were better than any of the higher-ups had expected.
As such, the meeting room was full of people Sayo had never met, with the ones she knew best, the stars of today's show, too occupied entertaining executives to keep her company. Why exactly Hina had wanted her here, she had no idea.
Across the room, a certain former bassist was chatting animatedly with a group of women who seemed to be about their age, her gaze fixed steadily on whichever direction Sayo was not in. In retrospect, it made sense that she would have been invited too—maybe by Hina, but perhaps also by Aya or Chisato—but Sayo hadn't even considered that possibility when she'd agreed to go. Not that she was sure it would have changed her decision if she had.
As she went up to the table to refill her drink, she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around.
"You wouldn't happen to be Hina's sister, would you?" The person who'd asked was a woman maybe a few years older than Sayo, tall and pretty with long, silky black hair. An actress, perhaps, Sayo thought. And, judging from the faint scent that wafted around her, an alpha as well.
"You're correct, yes."
"I thought so! Your sister kept bringing you up when we were on the set of the same drama together last year, so it's kind of exciting to actually meet you." She laughed, and then gave her name, which sounded vaguely familiar to Sayo. "This whole entertainment thing must be a foreign world to you. Lots of parties like this you're expected to attend even if there's nothing there for you to do. Oh, not that I wouldn't want to support Hina," she added quickly.
"It's fine. I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself in this sort of situation, either." It certainly made the party less boring, having a conversation partner, she conceded, although she was fairly sure the only thing she had in common with most of the people here was her relationship to Hina.
"Want to slip out somewhere, then?" the woman asked, a teasing smile on her face. The scent around her grew stronger, and Sayo felt her discomfort with the situation increasing.
"I think I'll be fine, staying here," Sayo replied, as evenly as she could.
"Oh? Not interested?" She laid her hand on Sayo's arm. "I thought Hina said you were free at the moment, but maybe there's someone you've got your heart set on?"
I have my heart set on not getting dragged into a one-night stand with a random woman, is what Sayo wanted to say, but phrasing it like that seemed like it might end poorly for her.
Before she could think of an appropriate response, though, a voice called out from behind her. "Sayo! There you are!"
She turned around to see Lisa, who quickly grabbed Sayo's arm and began dragging her off. "Sorry for interrupting you guys, but Sayo and I have an appointment we don't want to be late to. Right, Sayo?"
"Oh, um, of course. I… didn't realize this much time had passed." Sayo couldn't bring herself to look at whatever face the woman might be making, so, stumbling slightly in the short heels she'd worn for the occasion, followed Lisa out one of the meeting room's exits and into a bare-looking hallway, empty of people.
"…Thanks," she said, leaning against the wall to catch her breath.
"You seemed kinda uncomfortable there. Though I wasn't sure if you really were or it was just me hoping that was the case."
"I'd think you'd know by now that I'm not that easy."
"Yeah, you'd rather be friends first, and then anyone's fine, right?"
"Lisa, that was one time—"
"I kind of get it, though," Lisa interrupted, staring up at the starkly white ceiling. "If I was in her place, I might do the same thing. Just keep pushing to see if I could eventually get you to give in. You're cute, you know, Sayo? I'm sure there's lots of girls out there who'd at least take a shot at landing you."
"I'd say yes even if you didn't push that hard," Sayo replied sullenly.
"But only if I was an alpha?"
"That's not what I said. I've never said anything like that, actually, it's just that someone's got it in her head that I won't, or shouldn't, accept someone who isn't an alpha, even though I'd accept her any time if she just stopped being a coward and asked."
Lisa's back, which had been leaning against the wall, slid down it until she was sitting at the wall's base, hugging her knees.
"I always loved a particular kind of romance story as a kid. You know, the ones where the love interest has a special sort of smell that only the protagonist reacts to, or where two people can't figure out why they're so attracted to each other only to realize that they're a destined pair with especially good affinity, that sort of thing. Like some of those romance novels my friends like, only with less sex.
"So I guess I was a little disappointed when I learned I was just ordinary. Not a part of that world at all. It would have just stayed at disappointment, but then I met you, and at some point, I don't know when, I started to really wish that I'd been an alpha instead. That I could have you, fully, in something more permanent than just a normal old romantic relationship. It was all I could think about. I know there's no point to it, it's just a stupid fantasy, but I couldn't get away from that image. If I couldn't give it to you, then I didn't want to deprive you of that kind of ideal relationship."
Sayo sat down next to Lisa, her left hand just barely touching Lisa's right. "I… like this Imai Lisa," she said, hesitantly. "Alpha or not, it doesn't matter to me. There are things that would be convenient if you were, but, well, maybe subtle things would have changed and we would never have gotten this close to each other. In any case, I've never thought that I wished you were someone else or wanted you to change."
"Well, how about that. Never would have taken you for a romantic, Sayo," Lisa said, the effect of her words undercut by the bright red of her cheeks and the tears welling up in her eyes.
"…Is that all you wanted to say?"
She wiped her eyes off on her sleeve, quickly, and turned to face Sayo. "There are a lot of things I want to say, actually, but for now, I'll just go with this." Her lips had slowly begun to form into a grin. "Sayo, we could go back into the party, but would you rather… slip out with me?" She stood up and held her hand out in invitation.
Sayo felt Lisa's grin spreading to her own face and took the proffered hand. "You know, I don't think Hina would mind too much if we left a little bit early."
And, well, if she did mind—she could get angry at both of them. Together.