Archive of Our Own

Mark is good at ignoring what people think of him. He has to be. Still, some words you can’t just brush off. Something about it being a thought, not something spoken out loud - something secret, only makes it hurt more. There are walls Mark hits sometimes, days he won’t go outside because he needs a break from all that noise. There are days he goes out anyway, and comes back drained and wondering why everyone is so terrible inside their own head, wondering why he had to be born with such a curse.

Tonight turns out to be one of those, Mark slamming the door of the offensive apartment as the guy yells something about his innocence after Mark heard him think terrible things about his body. It’s not like he’s gonna get it up for a guy who’s settling for him anyway. Maybe Mark should have put his shirt on, buttoned up his pants all the way before standing in the public hallway, maybe he should have done a lot of things before running out holding back tears in his damn eyes.

Oh man, this guy looks so sad.

Mark hears the voice before he sees the man, standing outside the door right next to his forgotten partner’s shuffling his feet like he’s stalling. Mark doesn’t really want to hear anything after that, he’s not ready to be judged for having emotions somewhere outside of his own dorm - for having emotions at all.

Alright, Jackson. Game face. We have someone to cheer up.

“How do you get a mouse to smile?” Jackson says as he turns to Mark, the other staring at him in disbelief as his reddening nose and eyes drip various crying fluids.

“Wh-”

“Say cheese!” Jackson’s smile is huge, and Mark doesn’t think it’s even fake. He stares back at him owlishly.

It’s not working! Time to pull out the big guns.

Mark can hear the breath Jackson takes. What kind of joke takes such an effort to share. He’s not laughing. It’s nice of him to try and cheer him up, but bad jokes are not going to change the half-naked man’s sour mood.

He’s so cute though, he’ll probably laugh at me.

Mark looks Jackson up and down, not bothering with making it coy. The guy is fit, and dressed like someone who has at least a quarter of a fashion sense in him. His smile is cute. His eyes are big.

Is he checking me out?

Mark chuckles at that, then panics and covers his tracks. “Good one.”

“Really?” Jackson yells excitedly. “I just found that joke last night and knew it would come in handy someday.”

“Yeah, clever. Mouse. Cheese. Nice.” Mark clumsily puts his arms through the tee he’s been holding the whole time, covering his chilly nipples and blushing as he wipes at his nose.

“Are you busy?” The guy looks nervous, rubbing his thumb against his palm nervously.

Who’s going to say yes to a total stranger? I’m so stupid.

Mark hears his fair share of insecurities, of people beating themselves up and even depression. It always makes him feel bad for them, but Jackson’s thoughts just feel unfair. “Not anymore. Plans kinda got canceled.” Mark scowls, kicking the door behind him hard and then regretting it as he hears shuffling behind it. He acts fast, grabbing Jackson’s arm and pushing him into his own opened apartment - following quickly after as he closes the door behind them, the slightly shorter man pressed between his own front door and Mark’s chest.

Oh my god.

Mark is suddenly aware of how terrible he is, how terrifying the whole situation must be to Jackson and quickly moves away from him. “I am so sorry. I’m not trying to do anything, I swear! I just didn’t want to let the guy next door see me be pathetic outside his door. ”

Jackson’s face is extremely red when Mark looks at him and he can’t help finding it endearing.

Knew that guy was bad news.  

Mark freezes, not eager to have the police called on him for breaking into someone’s apartment and holding them against their door.

“You’re not pathetic.” Jackson looks at him, eyes sad.

Fucking asshole.

Mark is a little thrown off by the difference between what the man is saying and what he’s thinking. He’s really a good actor, his eyes look so genuine as he tries to comfort him. Then again, Mark does kinda seem like a psycho right now so if he’s trying to appeal to him - who can blame him? “Please, just listen to me. I really am-”

“He’s missing out. I bet you’re really, uh, good. You know. At that.”

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, IDIOT!? WHO TOLD YOU TO HIT ON THE SAD BOY IN THE HALLWAY. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN.

Mark winces at the yelling inside Jackson’s head, still not used to those instances someone gets excited in their own head.

“Are you hitting on me?” Mark says incredulously.

“Ah, no. No, no. Of course not.” Jackson laughs through every defensive ‘no’, looks into Mark’s eyes, finds God,  and quietly finishes. “Yes, I’m sorry.”

“Why did you ask if I’m busy?” Mark asks, curious. He kind of likes this guy. He’s charming, dorky, and kinda hot.

“You just looked sad. I wanted to buy you a donut or something, if you have the time.”

A donut. Mark smiles softly at the man, fond of the character already.

“It’s kinda late, rain check?”

Rejected. Well, he was nice about it.

“No, really! Tomorrow for breakfast is fine with me if that works for you.” 

“You don’t have to do that. I know we barely know each other and all.” Jackson looks visibly disappointed. Mark can almost see the puppy ears pulled back.

“I’m in your house!”

“I don’t mind.”

“I didn’t even ask; I just manhandled you.”

“I liked it!”

Mark almost mistakes that for a thought. Jackson turns red again, slapping his forehead - the sound loud and concerning.

Now he thinks you’re a creep, and you’re blocking the front door.

“Actually, are you hungry?” Mark asks quickly. “I’m pretty hungry, if you wanna get something.”

“I could eat.” Jackson slowly moves away from the front door. The loudest music in the world starts playing next door, at the douchebag’s house. The time is well past acceptable for such a thing. Mark watches Jackson’s expression grow frustrated.

“This guy is such a dick, dude. He’s always like this, no respect for anyone. I can’t believe he kicked you out like that. I should really talk to him.” Jackson rolls his sleeves up as he says this, already moving back towards the door.

Mark has perfected his many strategies to use people’s thoughts to his advantage when he needs to, or wants to, trying not to abuse it like some kind of villain. He’s also grown really good at not letting people know about his ability. In his entire life, only a handful of people have known about it - one of them being his big brother, Jinyoung, who doesn’t even count because he knows everything about him. Truly he’s an expert mind reader, but tonight has not been his finest and suddenly he’s letting it all slip.

“Oh! You were calling him an asshole.” Jackson freezes. Mark freezes. Time does not freeze, as much as Mark is willing to pause it so he can sneak out of this guy’s life forever. Maybe he can act weird enough to convince him it’s all some weird fever dream and escape through a window when he’s not looking.

“Huh?” Jackson’s voice rises.

Did I say that out loud?

“I heard you mutter something like that earlier, and I thought you were saying it to me.” Mark covers swiftly.

Of course, mind readers aren’t real.

“Imagine if they were?” Mark laughs.

He can hear time as they stand across each other, barely breathing.

Ballsack.

“What are you talking about?” Mark laughs, trying to play it all off, but Jackson takes it as laughter for his crude method of baiting him. He can’t believe how colossally he’s messed up. He practically gave it to him. He’s tired, and he’s got his guard down because Jackson hasn’t been terrible really at all the entire time and now  he’s told him about his biggest secret. He’s going to call the government and have Mark dissected, and it’s all going to be because Mark couldn’t get it together in front of a cute boy.

“You’re totally reading my mind!” Jackson screams, throwing himself backwards and slipping on the ugly carpet he has put down at a weird space between the front door, side kitchen and living room. A fashion sense, maybe, but no eye for interior design. Mark leaps forward, trying to catch Jackson by grabbing his arms as they fly up but the other grabs onto Mark as he comes towards him and they both fall back instead. Mark lands on top of Jackson with a sound reminiscent of Minecraft, his new favorite game.

Not how I wanted you on top of me.

Mark blushes hard at the thought he catches, and Jackson looks up with doe eyes.

“Did you hear that?” He whispers.

“Hear what? I can only hear that loud ass music.” Mark yells back, as though they’re in a house party. The music definitely isn’t that loud.

You’re just tired, Jackson. Stop believing in fairy tales, already.

Mark feels the emotion behind that last thought, every nuance in it, every time Jackson was told to stop being so childish. Every time he was told to ‘get real’. They both haven’t moved and Mark is lost in thought, observing Jackson’s handsome face up close as his hands rest next to his neck.

“Sorry, I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep lately. Midterms.” Jackson laughs, but it doesn’t quite sound right. Mark feels weird, like he’s done something wrong. “Um, so-”

“I did read your mind.” Mark says softly, putting his heart into Jackson’s hands - trusting the man he’s just met because his thoughts are pure. Maybe not in the innocent sort of way, but the guy thinks with his heart and Mark hasn’t found a person like that in a long time. He admires it. He adores it.

“Thanks.” Jackson smiles, saying it back just as soft. “Most people wouldn’t play along.”

Now is Mark’s chance to get out of this, to just let Jackson think that’s what’s going on.

Should I pick him up? Would that be rude?

Mark is well aware that he’s still on top of the guy, his body very solid under him. He wrestles with his own doubts and fears for a few more seconds as Jackson continues to flush different shades of pink, and his thoughts continue to panic. Finally, Mark decides to stick with his decision to tell Jackson - who he’s honestly sure won’t rat him out to the military or call him a freak. He just knows.

“Ballsack.”

Mark watches the realization hit Jackson with a grin, though his heart is beating out of his chest at the admittance of something that’s always plagued him, something he hasn’t found in anyone else.

Maybe ballsack can be our always.

Mark snorts at that.

“That movie sucked.”

“Yeah, the book was better.” They stare at each other, still on Jackson’s floor in front of the doorway - still being oppressed by his asshole neighbor’s loud music. “Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t think it’s weird that I can read your mind?”

“I don’t know yet. I just really want to kiss you.”

Mark kisses him first. Jackson’s arms reach up and wrap themselves around his back, his lips willing and pliant as they slide against the other’s and he sighs softly each time they separate and go back in for more.

Oh no.

Mark’s body locks in place, his breath shallows as the thought flies from Jackson’s head into his. Oh no, what? Oh no, that kiss sucked? Oh no, he actually is going to give him to the military? Mark is ready to bolt, he’s already pulling up all the walls he’s let down like a fool in a matter of minutes.

I’m going to fall in love.

Mark’s walls shatter.

“W-what?”

“Fuck. I am so sorry.”

“No. No, I’m sorry. I don’t try to listen, you know. Not all the time. Especially not like super secret and intimate thoughts. I don’t want to invade your privacy or anything.”

“But you must hear so much terrible stuff.” They’re both sitting on their knees now, across each other, both approaching an animal they’re not sure will bite. Jackson gives him those eyes again, those genuine eyes.

“Yeah, well you know.” Mark waves his hands around, like that will explain all the pain he’s gone through, like somehow the flick of his wrist is going to show Jackson that time in seventh grade that he heard his friend call him slurs in his head, or the time his father was thinking of what he can give up to pay Mark’s tuition next year, or the thoughts of his last boyfriend as he realized he no longer loved him. “It has its downsides.” He manages to get out, his throat choked up.

“I can’t imagine.”

“It’s not all bad. I mean, it’s helped me a lot. School, job interviews, dates. Stuff like that.” Mark wipes a stray tear away.

“Yeah.” Jackson smiles, and that’s genuine too. “I’m kind of an open book. I know everyone says that, but I don’t see the point of having thoughts you can’t say out loud.”

Mark already knows that’s true. He can tell from everything he’s heard Jackson say out loud or in his head. This man keeps no secrets.

“You’re a good person, Jackson.”

“How do you know my name?”

“Well ... you talk to yourself in your head?” Jackson’s lips open in surprise. “I’m Mark.” Jackson giggles. “What?” He suddenly feels shy, like he’s the one exposed and vulnerable.

“I kissed you before I even knew your name.”

“I don’t recommend doing that with anyone else.” Mark smiles slyly.

Promise?

“Promise.”