Archive of Our Own

It started with a pebble stone thrown across a calm surface of a lake. The first wave rippled through the water, followed by a few more until the stone finally sunk. Going down and down.

The pebble stone was in the form of Taehyun’s nonchalant statement (not even a question) of “so you are dating Soobin hyung”; said without so much a bat of eyelashes.

With all forces come opposite reactions, and this bomb he dropped earned two.

The first one came without a delay.

Beomgyu was in the middle of sneaking a sip of milk from its carton when he heard Taehyun’s voice, and he really hoped that Taehyun would assume it happened because he only noticed now that his younger bandmate was sitting in the dark corner of their kitchen table. It was totally not because of the impact of his statement: how it acted as a blow to Beomgyu’s stomach, making him choke on the mouthful of milk and spurting some drops over the front of his shirt.

“What?”

“You and Soobin hyung are dating, right?” Taehyun repeated, which earned a wheeze from the poor guy drenched in milk because no. He didn’t need to hear that twice.

“Gross! I’ve never been so offended.”

“You were literally smooching with him, don’t think I didn’t see,” the blonde said, filled with disdain as he did so. The spite was explained afterwards as he mumbled something close to this is why I hate couples, always showing off, being in love and shit and Beomgyu wanted to scream.

Instead, he burst into a hearty laughter, wiping the milk off himself and the floor while storing the carton back into the fridge. After the first damage was cleaned, he moved on to the second, as he shouted towards the living room.

“Soobin hyung, are we dating?”

“Gross!” the answer came immediately. Beomgyu smiled brightly at the frown drawn over Taehyun’s face.

“It doesn’t make sense. I mean, I respect it if you two want to keep it a secret, though. Just made me wonder since I could see you two kissing from here.”

Oh. So that’s the reason.

A few minutes earlier, Beomgyu did cause a scene when he exited his bedroom, opening the door with a bang and throwing a plastic ball towards Soobin who was gaming in the living room. It momentarily tore the leader’s attention away from his computer, just enough for him to throw the ball back at him, and sulked when he missed.

“You’re such a baby, you know that?” Beomgyu teased him then, sitting on the floor next to him and peeking to the computer screen where the game was still active. “And you’re losing too.”

“This is because of you.”

“Have you ever considered the fact that maybe you’re just a loser at this game? I could probably beat you with my eyes closed. Why do you have to try so hard when—“

An exasperated sigh interrupted him first, and then came the assertive grip on Beomgyu’s nape. He was suddenly being pulled closer. A pair of lips swallowed the rest of his words and melting away his teasing smile.

It started out rough, laced with annoyance as Soobin was kissing him with the sole intention of shutting him up. But the quick peck that followed right after was a rather tender one, drawing a softer smile across Beomgyu's lips once they parted. His eyes glittered with excitement. A whole satisfied puppy.

“That’s what you wanted right? Shoo.”

He could depend on his best friend to indulge him on what he wanted, even at the cost of losing his current game round.

“It was just a kiss, though,” Beomgyu said, a genuinely confused frown formed on his face. Head tilted to a side as the expression on Taehyun’s face morphed into an astonished one. “You don’t kiss your friends?”

“No?”

“You’re missing out! I would kiss you too right here,” Beomgyu made a move to go around the table and reach the younger, only to sit back down when Taehyun jabbed a fork into his melon piece. A clear message that the next jab might land somewhere on Beomgyu’s precious, flawless skin if he dared to proceed with his intention.

“This doesn’t make sense, hyung. I thought I caught you kissing a few times before too, though more discreet than just now. You meant to say that you two kiss often? Casually?”

Beomgyu nodded. “There was this research that kisses relieve stress, so we have been doing it with each other. I heard that it's normal for best friends to kiss each other too, so it’s a win-win situation, right?”

“Best friends totally don’t kiss each other.”

“We have been doing it for a bit and it worked with the stress problem, so it’s fine for me,” he shrugged. His eyes scanned Taehyun’s face that still looked troubled for a moment, before a smile slowly formed over his face. “It’s all platonic so you don’t have to worry if you want to like, you know, flirt with me or something. I don’t think there is a regulation against office dating for us…AH!”

The long narration was interrupted by his own scream as he spotted the fork getting dangerously close to his hand that was laid on the table. Despite that, there was no annoyance left on Taehyun’s face, only confusion. The gears in his head were still turning in full force, like he was still trying to make sense of this.

“Are you sure that it was platonic, though? What draws the line between a platonic and a romantic kiss?”

Now, that was new.

Beomgyu was not an expert in kissing and relationships. He had his fair share of experience back in middle school. All those nervous hand holding sessions and clumsy kisses he shared with the people he dated at that time. Being a band member came with its perks, including being popular in the whole dating business.

The kisses that he shared back then were supposed to be the romantic ones, yet they felt so shallow. He couldn’t even remember his first kiss when people romanticized the hell out of it; all these sayings and quotes about how you bring your first kiss to grave with you.

“Well, you just know,” was the only thing he could offer as an answer to Taehyun’s wondering. His skin was alight with shame for not knowing the exact answer to it. So he played it off, ruffling Taehyun’s hair under the younger’s doubtful look. “You will know when it happens, Taehyun-ah. Just listen to hyung!”

The second reaction came with a delay, and that caused the impact to hit him harder.

It hit him as he stared at the ceiling above his face a few hours later. The lamps were turned off and soft wind was blowing into the room from where he left a tiny part of the window open. He hadn’t started thinking about what Taehyun was saying yet, too occupied with a series of thoughts that always hit him at this hour of the night.

Then the voice ripped through the calmness of the night, a soft call of his name that pulled him out of the pool of toxins created by his own dark thoughts.

“Beomgyu, are you still awake?” it was Soobin, who apparently just finished his gaming session and got locked out again by the damned door lock that had a personal vendetta against the leader.

Despite his sourness every time he addressed this problem towards the fans, Soobin was actually gentle every time he got locked out. There was no banging on the door or loud call of Beomgyu’s name, knowing that the younger would have troubles falling asleep again if he got woken up in the middle of it.

It filled his chest with warmth when he slid down from the top bunk to unlock the door, welcoming his roommate inside. He returned Soobin’s sour look with an innocent grin.

“Careful with your steps, you left your clothes all over the floor,” Beomgyu said as he scurried back to the ladder before the other could nag him for the lock again.

“Can’t sleep?” Soobin asked instead, voice gentle.

“Mm…”

“Come here.”

Despite saying that, Soobin was the one who closed the distance between them. Beomgyu turned around to find the elder already crowding into his space. There was a swoop in his stomach realizing that Soobin was so close, pressing his back against the ladder. The solid wood that was digging into his back contrasted with the warmth radiating from Soobin’s chest.

“Sending me to sleep with a kiss? What kind of reverse prince charming you are,” he snorted.

“I have another idea, but you might be too tired out for schedules tomorrow,” replied the elder. The hand settled on Beomgyu’s waist held a promise of a next time, with a stroke of Soobin’s thumb on his bare skin right atop the waistband of his shorts.

His body was too accustomed to Soobin’s touches. It responded on its own accord, and he hated the elder for that.

He hated how ready he was to tip his head up and welcomed Soobin’s kiss. He hated the way Soobin stole his thoughts away, leaving nothing but an echo of Taehyun’s words.

What draws the line between a platonic and a romantic kiss?

Like hell he would know when he always lost his mind the moment Soobin’s lips made contact with his own. 

He could only feel the familiar softness of Soobin's lips against his own, could taste the hint of wetness and a taste of those fruity drinks left on his tongue when the kiss deepened. The slide of Soobin’s tongue in his mouth coaxed a soft noise from his throat, and he didn’t realize that he was clutching onto the front of Soobin’s loose shirt until the leader took his hand away, pinning it against the wooden frame of the bed next to his head.

The way their fingers were laced together was too intimate, but it was nothing compared to the kiss. Nothing like making him forget how to breathe like when Soobin dragged his lips along Beomgyu’s jaw, imprinting the ghost of his kisses there too until he stopped right below his earlobe.

“Good night, Beomgyu-yah,” came Soobin’s soft whisper, low and reserved only for him. Beomgyu felt full.

It would’ve worked.

If it were any other day, he would climb back into his bed and sink into the comfort of his bed all sated. He would fall asleep to the sound of Soobin’s even breathing from the bottom bunk. If only it was not for Taehyun’s comments that stuck on his head like a gum to the sole of his shoes.

Beomgyu might be a newbie to relationships, but he knew as much that the kiss from earlier was nothing platonic.

Best friends do not kiss that way.

If the first impact came with a punch to his guts, this delayed one was a jab to his chest. It filled up the space inside his rib cages with a liquefied ache. One that stuck to the walls of his chest, coating it in the thick substance, and demanding to be felt.

He might kiss any other of his group mates and call it platonic, but kissing Soobin was different. 

He didn’t know when it started. The accelerated beating of his heart. The longing he felt every time Soobin was not around. The urges to curl up inside Soobin’s arms and make a home in him.

Taehyun might not be aware of the consequences of his curious statement. It resulted in a sleepless night, where Beomgyu stared at his ceiling for long hours, rewinding every kiss he had shared with Soobin ever since the first time the idea was proposed. And he knew that he was doomed the moment he realized he remembered every single kiss.

Every single touch, every tender whispers to his ears. To his skin. Into his mouth.

Six months after he started platonically kissing Soobin, Choi Beomgyu realized that he was in love with his best friend.

//

Beomgyu thought he was brilliant the first time he proposed the idea.

It was a warm summer day inside their newly shared bedroom. Soobin was still playing in the room at that time, since the piles of trinkets weren’t too high that he still had free space on the desk for his gaming laptop.

In retrospect, he should’ve actually read the contents of the research journal. Except, Choi Beomgyu was the type to skim through a long text when he encountered one, relying on the big title atop of it. After all, what was the function of a title being in a bigger font if it wasn’t to distract readers from its actual contents?

“Soobin hyung,” he called out, peering at the latter from where he laid down on his bunk bed. “You know how we’ve been so stressed lately, right? We have been having more talks and lost more games because of those.”

“Hmm…” came Soobin’s distracted answer.

“What if we kiss?’

There was a particularly long period of silence, one that almost made Beomgyu regret his decision to open his mouth without thinking further. What if Soobin was grossed out by the idea? Beomgyu didn’t have any qualms about platonic kissing – the stress relieving method offered by the paper. He definitely did not have any qualms about kissing Choi Soobin.

Soobin’s lips were to die for, and he had read enough comments on the internet from people who described the pair of lips in descriptive manner, always emphasizing about how they would feel so good in a kiss. All soft and shiny and just. Soobin.

(Maybe he should’ve considered a possibility that he might get influenced by their fans who were actually in love with Choi Soobin.)

“Are you in love with me?”

Beomgyu almost dozed off by the time Soobin actually answered. The voice came too close to him, and only then did he realize that the elder had abandoned his game, the way he always did when Beomgyu was close to breaking down from overthinking.

“No!” he replied quickly, all the hint of drowsiness taken away from him so quickly that he might have gotten a whiplash. “But that’s better, isn’t it? If feelings are involved, it will be messy.”

“How are you so sure that you don’t have feelings for me?” Soobin asked, the lines of worries on his face replaced by amusement. The conversation became more lighthearted just like that. “This happened in movies, you know. Asking for a kiss, saying that they’re not in love, only to end up being all dramatic when it had to end.”

“Please, why would I settle for you?”

“Why would you settle with kissing me then?” he arched a brow, challenging.

“Because you’re my best friend and my leader,” the answer came without any second of hesitation, so quick that it surprised the other too. “And I like the shape of your lips.”

“I like your lips too.”

“That’s gay.”

A hint of irritation crossed Soobin’s face now, along with a press of his lips into a thin line. Beomgyu pushed himself up to sit. “So, kiss?”

Soobin exhaled a sigh. “How do we do this?”

Their first kiss was an awkward one, driven by curiosity more than anything else.

Beomgyu had hurried down from his bunk so he could get to it before Soobin changed his mind, standing right before the elder in a record of time. He ignored the dizziness that took over his head from changing his position too quickly, only to grumble as he had to tip his head up to look at the elder.

The height difference was not a problem when it came to dancing, but Beomgyu hated it when it got in the way of kissing Soobin.

It was really offensive too, when Soobin had to lean down to match his height. He even brought it up a few times later on, being a menace he was. But Beomgyu was satisfied enough when he felt the pair of plush lips pressing gently against his own in a chaste, fleeting kiss.

If he were to describe the kiss, it tasted like the first time you tasted those pink fluffy cotton candies you see at a theme park. It was sweet and exciting, and you would consider getting it again next time.

“Was that okay?” Soobin asked, as if he was going for customer feedback. Who even gives rating to a kiss?

“6 out of 10 for a first kiss.”

That’s right, Choi Beomgyu did, and that was the reason this worked out so well between them. Soobin might look like he was so composed, or that he had his life together. The truth is that they shared this single braincell that would bring either their success or demise in this co-op living situation.

Beomgyu gave himself a pat on the back, thinking he was such a genius for recommending this kissing arrangement.

//

At least for the first few weeks, it worked well, until it got boring.

They kissed at random moments, only when they remembered that hey, i have someone i can kiss now! because mostly it happened only when one of them got reminded that kissing exists.

In Beomgyu’s case, it was mostly after watching a drama show where the couple actually got together instead of breaking up. He would climb down from his bed and casually joined Soobin in his tiny lower bunk, puckering up his lips.

“Smooch?” he would ask. So not romantic of him, but that was the point. The kisses were not supposed to be romantic, it’s just the way Soobin’s lips melted his joints that made it so hard for him to keep being a fool when he was being kissed.

Whenever Soobin initiated the kiss, it came in more random moments. They could just be zoning out after a tiring dance practice, and as they were about to leave the dancing room, he might pull Beomgyu in a corner to swoop a surprise kiss from his lips.

There were also moments where they were left alone in the waiting room before shows, or in the dressing rooms. They were totally random and impulsive, as if Soobin looked at Beomgyu and decided that he wanted to kiss him. Beomgyu decided not to mention his observation in fear that Soobin would stop doing it.

And then it got repetitive.

“Kisses are getting boring, I think I may need an actual boyfriend now to cure my boredom,” Beomgyu said forlornly, dramatically staring at the wall of the studio. He was supposed to sit there in silence while waiting for Soobin to finish reviewing his MC script.

The initial answer that he got was a pensive look when Soobin swivelled around in his chair, a marker still stuck between his teeth until he let it fall into his lap. “Are you asking me out now?”

“What, no!” he made a disgusted noise at the back of his throat. “Not you.”

“What a loss, I’m getting asked out every week after Music Bank and you’re rejecting me now?”

Beomgyu scoffed. “Go out with them then.”

“Why would I? It’s not safe to kiss strangers in the middle of the pandemic,” Soobin said with such a serious look that made Beomgyu burst into laughter. “Seriously!”

“Dating is not only about kissing, my dear Soobinie hyung. There are other things, like the excitement you feel whenever you see them, or the sparks fly.”

“Stop listening to your yearning playlist. Sick of those.”

“Anyway! It’s boring with just kissing,” he concluded in the end.

Again, he wasn’t thinking much when he said it, only realizing it a little later when Soobin grew quiet. What if the elder thought that kissing him was boring? Before he could explain it further, however, Soobin cut his thoughts off first.

“What if it’s boring only because we’re not doing it right?”

That piqued his interest. “How do people kiss right ? It’s just a kiss. Smooch of lips.”

Soobin stared at him with a look so pitiful he was almost offended. He would have thrown hands right there if only the leader didn’t beckon him closer, igniting his curiosity further with the offer.

“Let me show you,” he said, a waiting hand extended towards him.

The walk towards Soobin was uncertain, but every doubt vanished from his head the moment their hands made contact. Soobin’s fingers easily wrapped around his wrist, and Beomgyu was gone.

If he thought that he was familiar with the way Soobin kiss before; the playful audible smack when he was feeling playful, the gentle kisses that barely traced along Beomgyu’s lips whenever he wanted to kiss the sadness away from the younger’s face, the stolen kisses for when they had to hide from their colleagues’ watchful eyes. All of them were nothing compared to this.

This started from the moment Beomgyu was cornered against the edge of the desk. For once, his breath was taken away even before he was kissed.

“Hyung—“he choked out, only to have his voice lost in a gasp when the ground disappeared from under his feet.

He found himself seated on the desk, paying no mind to the sound of things clattering down to the floor because he could only focus on Soobin’s hands that were clasped over his hips. Was it that easy to lift him? Beomgyu suddenly felt small, only realizing now how big the elder’s hands looked on him, and how strong his grips could be despite being the designated weakest member of the group.

And Soobin. Soobin was so close, yet not close enough.

He was probably enjoying this. Beomgyu was expecting an annoying smile smacked over the leader’s lips when he looked up, only for him to shrink under Soobin’s deep gaze.

“Wow, this kiss sure feels different. Not a contact of lips could be spotted,” he deadpanned.

Soobin rolled his eyes at that, but he didn’t bite into the challenge. 

He seemed to know what he was doing, including what it evoked from Beomgyu, the moment he nudged the younger’s thighs apart and inched closer. Suddenly, the room started to be stripped of its oxygen source and Beomgyu felt lightheaded when he felt the heat of Soobin’s chest against his.

He tried to not show any sign of intimidation, although his body betrayed him as he squirmed under the slide of Soobin’s hands on his waist. One of Soobin’s hands settled on the small of his back, keeping him locked in the position, and the other one started trailing up his side. So, so slowly that Beomgyu forgot to breathe.

“You’re such a brat,” Soobin’s words caressed the side of his face, hot breath against his earlobe and making it grow red under the attention. “Can you even handle this, Beomgyu yah?”

“Shut up. You’re not even kissing me,” he growled, pawing against Soobin’s chest as he shied away from the heat of his breath.

He didn’t like how it got under his skin, spreading all over his system and settled deep inside his stomach. He couldn’t put a name into this burning sensation, but it only grew as he could feel Soobin’s wet lips on his skin.

His skin felt too sensitive. Soobin, that little shit, must have done something to him. There was no other explanation to how he was left totally breathless, panting and sweating by the time Soobin’s lips stopped with the kisses, mouthing a little too long on his throat, and suckling gently on the skin by his pulse point.

“I’m kissing you,” he mumbled against his skin.

“Choi Soobin!”

The laughter was deep and humiliating, but at least it dragged Beomgyu back from that dangerous zone where he was too close to bursting from the heat. He glared at the other male when Soobin looked up again, a smug smile playing on his lips.

Before Beomgyu could slap it away from Soobin’s annoying face, his wrists are grabbed, held down to his side, and he was finally, finally, being kissed.

His mouth responded to Soobin’s like he hadn't been kissed for years. The heightened senses from being teased for what felt like forever caused him to grow overheated, oversensitive to the taste of Soobin’s lips against his own. The usual gentleness of Soobin’s plush lips was replaced by something akin to hunger, and it stirred something in Beomgyu’s chest, to know that Soobin was just as impatient for this.

The warm hand was back to cradling his face, thumb coaxing his lips to part, and fuck.

If he thought that he had tasted Soobin when they kissed before, he was mistaken. The previous kisses didn’t provide him with the sensation of having Soobin’s tongue sneaking into his mouth and invading his taste buds. He had never been kissed like this before. Not with the demanding pressure of lips or the slide of tongue against his own that coaxed a soft noise to form from his throat.

He didn’t register it until later, as Soobin withdrew from the kiss, leaving him dazed and breathless. His face was filled with heat he thought he might pass out, but the thing that made him want to jump off the building was the thin sheen of saliva connecting their lips.

What the fuck.

And Soobin had the audacity to smile like he didn’t just drive the younger so close into the gate of heavens a moment ago, smiling with his usual oh-so-sweet gait, complete with a set of dimples.

“Cute,” he said, squeezing Beomgyu’s hips.

Beomgyu was so gone.

//

Nobody dared to address the kiss after that.

It remained as an elephant in the room, which was bad, because their shared bedroom was small and they couldn’t afford something as big and suffocating as that.

Beomgyu couldn’t even ask for a kiss for a while, unable to settle for quick pecks or sweet chaste kisses Soobin had to offer for him. How could he, when all he could think about when looking at Soobin’s lips was having Soobin’s tongue in his mouth?

Another thing he hated was that he couldn’t function without the kisses anymore. Despite saying that they were starting to get boring, it felt wrong not to come up to his leader with his lips puckered up, and having the said leader press a kiss to your lips without him expecting it. It’s the attention. The sense of being wanted.

It was only intensified by his own desire, and it was just a matter of time that he snapped.

Soobin didn’t seem surprised when he was woken up that one night, with Beomgyu sitting on top of him, straddling his waist, and hovering in the dark as if he was waiting to pounce. At least his flushed cheeks and red ears wouldn’t be too apparent with the dim lighting of the room, and he would have to squint to see the annoying smirk on Soobin’s face when he finally roused.

“Is there something you wanted, princess?” Soobin asked, voice deep from his slumber. It only made Beomgyu feel more lightheaded, hot under the sweater he was wearing to sleep.

“You haven’t kissed me in a while and… and…” he trailed off momentarily when he felt a touch of Soobin’s hand on his thigh, fingers teasing along the hem of his shorts that was ridden up the length of his thighs. He felt exposed. He wanted to be exposed. “I can’t stop thinking about the kiss from back then in the studio. What have you done to me?”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asked, looking so calm and composed, while Beomgyu was about to lose his mind. What a menace.

“When you kissed me in the studio, it’s different from usual, and I felt so hot in a way I’ve never felt with someone before. I wanted more of that.”

“That?”

Beomgyu felt tears pricking his eyes. This was so humiliating, yet he still couldn’t stop the heat from brewing in his guts from the way Soobin was touching his thighs. He knew this was a bad decision since Soobin agreed for kisses, and he was tempted by the forbidden apple.

As if reading his mind, Soobin caught him before he could climb off of the elder and rush back to his bed. It only took a blink of eyes, and Beomgyu found himself pressed down into the bed, unable to move under the weight of Soobin’s body atop of his.

“Fuck off. You’re going to laugh at me,” he wheezed, covering his face with his fists.

The touch to his hands was gentle when they were pried away from his face, yet the grips on his wrists were a firm one the moment his hands were pinned down above his head. His heart was pounding so hard against his rib cages, and the same pulsing heat was also present in his groin, stirring in the way that made him squirm, trying to close his legs only to have his thighs squeeze against Soobin’s waists.

“You need to say it,” Soobin said, closing the distance of their face. He was hyperaware of the slight movement, one that aligned their bodies properly, making them fit together like puzzle pieces and.

Oh.

The heat was unlike anything he ever felt before when Soobin ground his hips down. He had touched himself before, did it too much at one point that he couldn’t derive pleasure from it anymore. But this one was exquisite, bringing desperate tears into his eyes.

“Please, hyung…”

“You need to say it, Beomgyu-yah,” Soobin kept his gaze at him, eyes dark and lidded. “This isn’t just kissing anymore, and I need to know if you’re aware of what you’re getting into.

Beomgyu shook as a sob went through his body. He had never wanted something quite this much, and Soobin was dangling it right in front of his face. He just needed to bite it.

“I want to have sex with you,” he said softly, and Soobin kissed him so hard he forgot his own name.

//

What Beomgyu could remember from their first time having sex was the awkwardness. The bed was too small and the room was too hot. Not to mention that the wall right next to the bed was separating their room and Yeonjun’s. Soobin had to slap his hand over Beomgyu’s mouth when he would get too loud.

They had laughed it off the next day, agreeing that it was so bad and clumsy, and agreed to perfect it next time they tried again.

It stayed tucked in the back of his memory until that night he stayed up the whole night thinking of what Taehyun said to him. He wondered what the younger would offer to the conversation if he was aware that Beomgyu had been sleeping with Soobin, too.

Because even Beomgyu, with half a braincell left in his head from sharing it with his best friend, knew that this was bad . Friends do not kiss each other platonically and they definitely do not have sex periodically.

Maybe some did, but Beomgyu was also sure that it would be different from the sex that he knew.

What he had forgotten from his first time having sex with Soobin was the tenderness. It was not just awkward limbs and laughter, but there were also moments where it felt too intimate, too personal that Beomgyu’s heart jumped all over the place, reacting to the way Soobin’s lips traced the places he didn’t know was so sensitive before (no one ever kissed the inside of his thigh before, no one.)

He had forgotten the way Soobin gazed at him so fondly when he opened him up with those pretty fingers of his, had been so patient despite his complaints and bites on his shoulder when it hurt. He had forgotten the delicious stretch when he was fucked for the first time, how Soobin had kissed the tears away from the corner of his eyes, and swallowed a particular loud yelp from his mouth when he came.

And how they had laughed together in the aftermath, with Soobin kissing him so lovingly afterwards, that Beomgyu felt so full and loved.

At that time, he brushed it off as something normal. Sex does that to people and that included him and his overexcited mind that night. Only now that he started seeing it through Taehyun’s lenses, trying to find the line between having sex as friends and lovers.

Only now that he figured out that there was no line to begin with.

He was so fucked.

//

This thought that started as an innocent statement had flourished under Beomgyu’s overthinking tendency.

It was not helping that he couldn’t remove himself from the routines.

One time he set a resolution that maybe he would stop agonizing so much about it if he stopped kissing Soobin so much. He went to work happy because hey, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard, only to blink and somehow skipped the day away as he found himself standing naked under the company building’s shower, with the source of his problem staring down at him.

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin asked, eyes searching all over Beomgyu’s face now that he was no longer in daze.

“Just trying to remember how we ended up fucking in the gym. I was working out so hard and suddenly I’m here.”

There was a scoff from the elder, and a hand that crept down his back to pinch at his butt. His yelp only drew a bigger smile on Soobin’s lips. How he wanted to kiss it away. “You’re not in place to be complaining when you were the one who got on your knees first.”

Right. That happened.

It was just the problem he couldn’t fix, that every time he conditioned his mind to do something, Beomgyu was compelled to do the other way around instead.

That was why the more he told himself to stop thinking, he ended up thinking about it more. It had gotten particularly hard not to think about it when Soobin handled him in the way he shouldn’t. The manhandling was acceptable, so did the bruising grip on his hips that would leave a ghost of Soobin’s fingers on his skin for days on its wake.

What went into the unacceptable category were the gentle touches and kisses under the warm shower water. He was not even obligated to stay with Beomgyu after giving him that mind blowing orgasm on the gym’s mattress moments ago, let alone take care of him and clean him up, making them the only two people left in the company past midnight.

“Soobin-ah, do you do this to everyone else? Is this just some kind of bros being bros thing?” he blurted out his question after a momentary daze of watching the elder’s hands sliding down his wet body, cleaning off the soap suds. He hated how Soobin only had to work out a little to have all these prominent lines of muscles forming on his body.

The question caught the leader by surprise first, and then his initial response was to sport that annoying smirk on his face.

“Bros, huh? As expected from someone who can’t call me hyung without cumming.”

Heat exploded on Beomgyu’s face immediately. His mouth opened and closed, trying to articulate a proper curse word as a comeback. He ended up doing what he did best: attacking Soobin by climbing him, his teeth clamped down his shoulder, hard enough that a print of his teeth shape marked the flawless skin.

“Stop it! Are you a dog?”

“You’re so annoying!”

He only loosened his bite once he felt his back hit the cold tiles of the shower. The warm water still cascaded down their frames, while Beomgyu got comfortable in the position, legs wrapped around Soobin’s waist for support. So much for saving water by showering together.

“It’s a you and I thing, you know?” Soobin said when they calmed down again, coaxing Beomgyu to look at him again, which was a bad move for the latter because this way, he witnessed the elder’s softening gaze in real time. “I don’t do this with anyone else.”

What was this? Beomgyu couldn’t even remember what he asked at this point.

The only thing he knew was the surge of relief that went through him at the confirmation. It was laced with a feeling that tasted alien and new to his tongue; the drop of possessiveness that interrupted the calm ripples of water, turning it into an avalanche.

“Only with me, huh? Is it because I’m that drama free for you?”

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s just because of you.”

His eyes were glazed off when they found Soobin’s again, and he couldn’t recognize his voice when he spoke again. A breathy “hyung” in his low, dragged voice. He watched as Soobin’s eyes darkened in response, as his hold on Beomgyu’s hips tightened.

This was how Soobin always held him, making him feel so safe and wanted . He held Beomgyu to make sure he wouldn’t fall, but he didn’t know that Beomgyu had already fallen for him ever since the first time he got held like this.

He wanted to believe it’s not that he couldn’t say ‘hyung’ without cumming, it’s Soobin who lost his mind whenever Beomgyu addressed him as such.

“Let me clean you up,” Soobin said softly, mouth finding his throat and leaving a scorching mark there in contrast to the cooling water from the shower.

Beomgyu’s moans vibrated against Soobin’s mouth the moment he felt a pair of fingers slid inside him.

If only getting Soobin out of his mind was as easy as getting the remnants of cum down the shower drain, Beomgyu wouldn’t be trapped in this love problem.

//

Beomgyu’s Naver search history that night:

Platonic kissing with your best friend is normal

Friends with benefits?

Aftercare for your friends with benefits?

How do you know that you’ve fallen in love with your friends with benefits

//

“I got it!”

Kai jerked up from where he was sitting next to the formerly asleep Beomgyu, who was fully awake without any warning.

“What’s the matter, hyung?” Kai, the poor boy, just had to ask. Now he had to be the victim of Beomgyu’s unsolicited rant about his newfound resolution about his friends with benefits problem. Sometimes he thought he was a genius and it would be a crime to hide that fact from the world.

“Okay, imagine this. There is something that is potentially bad for you, but you’ve been consuming it for a while and you know it would make you sad if you stop. But what if you just, don’t find out if it’s actually bad or not?”

“Uhm… are you sure that will cancel the bad?”

“Well, no, but it cancels the anxiety that comes every time you eat the bad stuff. What if you just enjoy it while it lasts? We’re going to die in the end anyway.”

This conclusion seemed so sound then, that no amount of judging or worried look from Kai wouldn’t bring his spirit down.

Because Beomgyu knew that no matter what he did, he was going to fall for his best friend anyway. He already fell for Choi Soobin. Unknowingly, unconditionally, and unstoppably.

Might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

//

The thing about eating something that could potentially be bad for your health, you couldn’t condition the toxin to not affect your body no matter how much willpower you channelled to it. Beomgyu’s conclusion worked to soothe his mind. It assured him that it was okay. There was nothing wrong with catching feelings for your best friend.

Even if the best friend in question had made it clear that he hated drama.

It was especially hard for Beomgyu because he was not a quiet person. He might be quiet at times, but his feelings were vocal. They knocked on the door of his chest, demanding to be heard. They surged up his throat, shaping up a sentence without his brain’s permissions.

Beomgyu should’ve seen it coming, that one day this feeling he kept in the back of his heart would creep up on him and strike him when he least expected it.

Nights like this when he couldn’t feel Soobin’s presence on the lower bunk was the worst for Beomgyu, not to mention that the elder had been spending more time playing game in the living room. The phrase 'distance made the heart grow fonder' was a total scam, since the urge to choke the leader or locking him out for the rest of the night was growing stronger with every second that passed. How dare Soobin avoid being in the same room with him just to focus on his game?

Naturally, Beomgyu went to confront him.

“It’s 2AM,” he said, settling down on the sofa right behind Soobin who was sitting on the floor. He could see the game was still going on. That damned shooting game that Soobin wouldn’t stop playing these days.

“Huh? I lost track of time,” came the curt answer, distractedly. “I’ll finish in a bit and go to bed.”

“I got bored being in the room alone, I was thinking of cumming on your pillow.”

The elder snorted. “You’re that needy?”

“Nope, just wanted to spite you,” he smiled, coursing his fingers through Soobin’s hair as he stared at the newly dyed black locks. “Besides, you’d look pretty with cum in your hair.”

Momentarily, Soobin tore his attention from his screen just to tip his head back, looking at him upside down before pulling him down for a quick kiss on the lips. It must mean nothing to him. Something playful that managed to make Beomgyu’s heart forget to beat for a second.

“You’re so in love with me.”

Beomgyu returned the smile with a sweet one of his own. “Fuck off.”

The laughter was rewarding when the elder turned his attention back to his game, fingers clicking on the keyboard rapidly. It just got louder in Beomgyu’s ears, and every second of it made him fume under his skin for no reasons.

Being a good hyung he was, Soobin let him squeeze himself on the spot between him and the table. Beomgyu sat down on his lap, straddling his hips and inching closer so that there was no space left between them. He tucked his face in the crook of Soobin’s neck, mouthing against his skin.

“I’ll make you lose.”

A scoff sounded from somewhere above his ear, then Soobin’s frame shook a little as he laughed. “You saw that I was already winning, right? Just admit that you’re just horny, Choi Beomgyu.”

He scoffed. “Like the sex was that good. You’re 8 out of 10 at most.”

“Uncalled for,” he growled playfully, though the sound that vibrated in his chest almost made Beomgyu shrink from intimidation.

Suddenly, he was hyperaware of everything. The heat of Soobin’s body against him, the movement of his chest rising and falling, the way his legs were parted on either sides of the elder’s waist, the position of his ass; how easy it would be for him to grind down and have Soobin hard against him within seconds.

That was something he was confident for and relished, the fact that he had that effect on Soobin.

“8/10 is too mean, baby,” Soobin spoke up again after the dragged silence, and it would’ve made Beomgyu laugh – the fact that he was still thinking about the rating, if only he wasn’t too occupied with screaming mentally about that nickname.

He didn’t even notice that the game had ended, and that the laptop was already pushed aside. Soobin’s attention was fully on him now, the warm hands sending more of the fire through his shirt, sliding along the back of his waist as his usual declaration of affection, before it disappeared into his pants.

“Let’s see if you’d give me more with my hand on your dick.”

Choi Soobin could be so mean when he wanted to. This was the prime example, the way his hand enveloped Beomgyu’s length, pumping erratically for a few moments until Beomgyu was wheezing and going all tense, only to stop and let him wind down. He was put on edge several times, muffling his whine and curses against the elder’s skin while the menace was laughing right next to his ear.

“Change your rating if you wanna cum, baby. I’d even fuck you afterwards so your ass won’t be sad anymore.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he groaned. The heat coursing inside him was intensified by shame.

And then it snapped. He went limp against the elder that Soobin grew alert for a moment, holding securely around his waist. Beomgyu clawed on Soobin’s hand, taking it off him so he could think for a second. A moment so precious for him to get ahold of his mind, long enough to string up his words into a sentence.

“Do you want to know how to make it 10/10?”

Soobin’s eyebrows shot up in interest as he gave a squeeze to Beomgyu’s thigh. “Tell me.”

“Fuck me on that table, hold me down, and never stop even if I beg you to.”

Honestly, what was he thinking?

He must be in some kind of daze the whole time, because there was no way he would agree to be stripped down in the middle of their dorm’s living room, exposed to anyone who might be unlucky enough to come out of their bedrooms in the middle of the night.

The next thing he knew, he was bent down over the glass table. Cold glass pressed against his swollen nipples, forehead knocking against it with a thud on it as he felt his thighs got nudged apart. And then he felt the head of Soobin’s cock pressing against his opening, a small warning that came right before the whole thing slid inside him, stretching his tight hole around the thick girth.

Beomgyu’s mouth fell open in a low groan, which turned into a rather high pitched one when Soobin started fucking him without missing a beat. He was the one who asked for this, yet there was no preparing him for the way Soobin’s weight was pressing him down. Nor did he expect the mouth, hot against his ear and whispering dirty things that he never imagined to materialize in Soobin’s sweet voice.

“Ah, hyung!” he yelped, wasn't expecting the bite.

He was usually the one who threatened the other with bites and scratches, but this time, Soobin was biting him with a purpose. His face buried into his neck, teeth sinking into the skin and forming various marks down Beomgyu’s neck.

Eventually, it was too much for Beomgyu. The arousal was surging into him way too quickly, twisting his abdomen in response to the constant stimulation to his prostate and the bites. He thought that he might be too loud, but Soobin made no move to silence him, which only aroused him more. The thought of everyone knowing what they were doing in the living room.

If he didn’t know better, he would think that they only riled Soobin up, with how he was only exerting more force into his hips, slamming the smaller male into the side of the table every time his erection sunk inside him.

“H-hyung, Soobin hyung,” he whimpered, a little urgent as he could feel his orgasm looming over him, promising him a painful one. “Slow down for a bit! Slow down!” he almost screamed by then.

What he didn’t expect was that Soobin actually slowed down. The bites turned into soft kisses. Hips grinding against Beomgyu’s ass in a slower pace, more sensual, and more intimate. This made him feel everything more intensely, including his feelings.

It drove him over the edge. Beomgyu reached up to grab Soobin’s hair, craning his neck so he could press a kiss to his mouth. It was a messy, desperate kiss, just before his mouth went slack as his orgasm ripped through it.

He remembered losing his voice in a silent moan, and the possessive grip tightened around his hips when Soobin fucked him through his sensitivity. He remembered choking on his breaths.

Most of all, he remembered when he whispered into Soobin’s mouth. Head clouded by his high.

“I love you.”

He remembered it all as he laid limp on that table, still shaking from his orgasm as well as Soobin’s cock pounding inside him as he was chasing his own. His eyes were wide open, trying to make sense of what’s happening, and only choking out a last tired groan when he felt Soobin’s release spill inside of him, making him twitch from oversensitivity. 

He had fucked up and confessed in the middle of sex. 

“Was that a ten?” Soobin asked, breathless. 

While pretending not to hear while he was still freaking out mentally, Beomgyu was handled oh so gently to lie on his back. He preened under Soobin’s deep gaze over his naked frame, his thighs closing as he felt a little shy, too exposed. Yet Soobin was the one who pried them apart again, his mouth finding their way along Beomgyu’s inner thighs, cleaning up the mess he made here until the pair of plush lips reached his ass. 

A rather surprised moan escaped Beomgyu’s mouth as he shook through another orgasm. A quicker one this time, expelling a thinner substance from his cock. It was painful. It was exquisite. And he had never seen a prettier sight than the one he caught when he looked down – the sight of Soobin’s face in between his legs, cleaning him up off his own mess. 

The annoyingly attractive smile on his face didn’t help his case. “I guess that’s a confirmation enough.”

Fresh tears formed in Beomgyu’s eyes again, this time for an entirely different reason. 

//

Did Soobin hear his confession?

He was so close to him when Beomgyu had accidentally let it slip, and his eyes had darkened over with a kind of possessive edge. The same kind was always present on his face when they would play so close to the dangerous grey zone. Those times Beomgyu challenged him to make me yours if you can, dumbass! or the rare occasion where Soobin needed reaffirmation and dragged his foreplay until Beomgyu indulged him and sobbed out You! You’re the only one who can make me feel good. God, can’t you just move?

There was a possibility that his accidental confession wasn’t heard, or interpreted the wrong way, but the damage was done. The moment Beomgyu put his feelings into words, in his own voice, it became real. Something palpable instead of a mere fleeting suspicion.

“Why are you in my bed? Missed me that much?”

The bed dipped under the owner’s weight, followed by warmth pressed against his back. Beomgyu had his face pressed into a pillow the whole time, breathing in the familiar scent of their shared shampoo and something that reminded him of burying his face in Soobin’s neck. 

“Don’t wanna climb up,” he mumbled, making a small strangled noise at the back of his throat when a pair of arms pulled him into an embrace, slotting their bodies together to fit in that small bed.

This was a familiar position, yet it didn’t give him the same comfort as any other day. Not with the twist in his guts, nor the constant clawing in his chest from the idea that Soobin had ignored his confession altogether, brushed it off so easily as if it didn’t take Beomgyu his most vulnerable moment to admit it out loud.

“Suspicious, did you cum on my pillow?” grumbled the other, which only made him laugh, hiding the said pillow from within reach by slotting it between his thighs.

“Maybe I did. Maybe you should feel threatened that your pillow made me cum better than you. Do better!”

He got a pinch on his thigh for that, which made him yelp and struggle within his tight hold, only to have the pair of arms tightened around him. Soobin always gave him the best hug, one that enveloped his whole body, making him feel small and protected. He grew limp as Soobin’s mouth found his nape, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek, picturing vividly how the wet pink lips traced along his sensitive skin.

“That can’t be true,” Soobin said in a deep voice that came as a direct blow to the younger’s guts. “You’re so in love with me.”

Ah. That joke. 

It used to be funny. They threw it around just to spite each other, especially during the moments where they showed kindness instead of being a brat to each other. A praise, a soft smile, then a twitch of lips into a playful smile. Are you in love with me? and then Beomgyu would make an offended face, or when he was in the mood, play along with his own You’re literally the one in love with me!

It was funny, until Beomgyu’s brain responded instantly to it. A straight yes! because his brain, much like his whole self, was never shy with emotions or feelings. He loved Choi Soobin. Unknowingly, unconditionally, and unstoppably.

He was pulled away from his own mental battle by a sharp bite on his nape, a persistent one, judging from how he wasn’t let go so easily. His body responded in the way it was accustomed to, melting into Soobin’s chest and groaning out softly. 

Then he realized that Soobin had been sucking on that one spot with a purpose.

“Don’t you dare tell me that you left a mark there, and it’s bigger than the size of a coin.”

“The size is not the problem actually…”

It clicked on his head. The constant stinging on his skin even when Soobin had pulled away gave it away.

“Choi Soobin, fuck you!” he screamed, responded by an annoyingly high pitched laugh as the elder tried to constrain his struggling. 

Beomgyu could be strong when he wanted to, and even the elder wasn’t able to stop him when he actually wanted to land a punch. This was one of the rare cases, as he broke free from the hold and tried to wrestle his leader. The bed creaked under their movements, followed by a loud thud as they landed on the floor, with Soobin’s back cushioning their fall. He deserved that.

The pained groan was enough of a reward for Beomgyu, but he was still losing, finding himself trapped again with his wrists pinned to the floor and a pair of lips stealing his breath and triumphant smile away. He was kissed full in the mouth, reduced into a pliant state so easily. Soobin always had the upper hand, and he knew it, judging from the way he smiled so smugly when they parted.

But that was not the problem here. 

“Hyung,” he called out, regaining the elder’s attention to him, with a small quirk of eyebrow probably from being called with honorifics for once. “Have you ever thought of doing this with someone you love?”

“This?” 

Beomgyu shut his eyes momentarily, averting his gaze when he did open them again just so he wouldn’t have to look into Soobin’s own. “This. What we’re doing – the kissing, the sex, whatever happened just now. Isn’t it better if you do these with someone you’re in love with?”

The grip loosened around his wrists. Beomgyu took his chance to take his hands back, covering his face with his arms.

“What’s with the sudden question?'' The trace of playfulness and gentleness disappeared from Soobin’s voice. It sent a swoop of cold air into Beomgyu’s chest, veiling his heart in a shadow of winter. This. He was being too much for the elder. Soobin had made it clear since the beginning that he hated messy, or the chance of someone catching feelings like in the rom-com k-dramas he always despised.

Ironically, Beomgyu went and did exactly that.

“No reason.”

“Beomgyu yah, talk to me,” Soobin’s voice grew firmer, yet his hands stayed gentle when he pried Beomgyu’s hands away from his face. His eyes round up when he stared at his hyung. His heartstrings were tugged, then snapped. “Do you want to stop doing this with me?”

No.

“It’s okay. We’re just doing it for fun and stress relief, right? Just tell me and I will leave you alone.”

No. He can’t lose Soobin like this.

The thoughts materialized into action as he clutched onto the front of Soobin’s shirt, pulling him desperately, way too needy. “No. I’m just wondering if you ever wanted that. You’re not obligated to stay with me. I’m just…” 

What? What is he exactly?

Friends with benefits? One that Soobin took care of so tenderly every time they had sex. Platonic lovers? If that term even existed. Best friends?

“That’s weirdly considerate of you. But I’m not looking to date right now, and I like this arrangement I have with you, so…”

Right. He was just that. The other party of the arrangement Soobin agreed with back then, one that he unknowingly got trapped into. If he had heard what Beomgyu said before, this explained why he pretended not to hear. He was not looking for a date, and that included Beomgyu.

They really should’ve drawn a line. That way, it wouldn’t ache this much when Soobin put him back in his rightful place.

//

The brand on his neck burned his skin for days afterwards, along with the unhealed scar caused by Soobin’s words.

Other days, he would be proud to wear the brand – the purple bruise smacked on his skin like a scarlet letter. These days, it served as a reminder of his place. He was nothing more than a convenient arrangement for Soobin, a body to hold, to pour all affections and love he had in his body without the fear of catching feelings. 

After all, why would Soobin fall for Beomgyu? 

Someday, they would have to move on from this. They would look back to this day and laugh because fuck , they had so much sex. They kissed so much at one time that their lips didn’t feel like lips anymore. And then Soobin would be proud of him for not catching feelings, for being the perfect friend with benefits the world had to offer.

“Did you get bitten by a bug?” 

He almost choked at the question, which would be bad, considering he had a mouthful of spicy ramyeon in his mouth. The #2 menace of his life had waltzed to join him at the table, proceeding to prod the stinging spot on his neck. He sometimes wondered how Choi Yeonjun changed from his role model to the bane of his existence in just a few months of knowing him. Good thing the eldest made sure to periodically remind him why.

“Stop that,” he hissed, shying away from the touch. 

“Try to hide it better next time,” Yeonjun said with a sigh. “Or actually just, lower your volume if you want to do it at the dorm so we would actually think that it’s just a bug bite.”

Now, this actually made him break into a coughing fit. Tears springing up in his eyes as the spices burnt along his throat, a drop of it might have entered the wrong pipe. “Hyung?!”

Yeonjun had an annoying grin smacked over his face initially, but it softened as he handed him a cup of cold water. He even took out a small tube of ointment which he applied onto the bruised part of Beomgyu’s skin, a cool touch on that burned patch. 

“Yeonjun hyung, you’re so annoying.”

“Unprovoked?”

“But I’m not ashamed to say that I had a crush on you, especially when you’re being nice like this,” he beamed, watching as the displeasure in Yeonjun’s face softened. 

This kind of crush, he knew from the beginning that it was hopeless. From the first time they talked, Yeonjun had always adopted this older brother vibe, ready to fight him but also hug him at the end of the day. This kind of crush was an easy one to get over with. 

“Hyung, will you kiss me?”

Yeonjun blinked. “I thought you got over your crush.”

“I did! That’s why I want you to kiss me,” he said, losing the surge of boldness that hit him a moment ago. It was too late to go back. “I want to remember how to kiss without feelings. It will be 100% platonic!”

Yeah, right, Choi Beomgyu. That was what you told Soobin the beginning. 100% platonic kiss, and then a platonic making out, and it ended with a platonic sex.

He couldn’t even trust himself, so he couldn’t blame Yeonjun for the doubtful look.

“No, I won’t kiss you,” he decided at last. “But I can tell you this, Beomgyu. As someone who overthinks and tends to hide his feelings to another, please communicate.”

If only it was that easy. 

He did get someone else to kiss him before the day ended.

It was one of their dancers. Someone his age who hyped him up a lot during their dance practices. He had cornered the poor guy, bought him a drink, and asked sweetly. I want to know how it is to be kissed. Can you show me?

The kiss was chaste and cute. The guy was shorter, so he had to tiptoe when he leaned in to press a quick peck to Beomgyu’s lips. And as Beomgyu thanked him, he scurried away, tripping on his own feet. It felt good to be adored, and kissing without any twist in his chest. 

//

It was nothing new that Choi Beomgyu was famous for his bad ideas, yet this experimental kiss was a particularly bad one because

1) He realized that he hadn’t felt this way for a long time. 

What should’ve been a promise of a platonic kiss was never platonic to begin with, because the pleasant ache that he felt whenever Soobin kissed him, and he could see the pair of dimples in his cheeks when he parted had always been present since the first kiss they shared.

2) The kiss didn’t stay as a secret.

In retrospect, he should’ve probably told Seojun not to tell anyone else. A little too late for that by the time he realized, since the friend had been busy telling their colleagues about it, saying stuff about how cute Beomgyu was, never been kissed. 

It was no surprise that the news reached his group mates. Taehyun gave him a weird look, while Kai complained that it could’ve been with him instead. Yeonjun shook his head and muttered something about how stupid he was. And then Soobin.

Soobin was a total asshole.

“Never been kissed, huh? Is that how you flirt, now?” he had come up to him at the end of their dance practice session, as if Beomgyu was not already spent. Beaten up by their rigorous dance routines, and now he had to deal with the teasing slash annoying smile on Soobin’s face.

“Technically, I didn’t say that. Told him I wanted to know how to be kissed by him.”

Soobin stared at him for what felt like too long, but Beomgyu was too tired to make sense of it. He kept his eyes shut, chest rising and falling more gently now as he caught up his breath. 

“Maybe you should’ve made it clear to him, then. He seems to think you have a crush on him, and wanted him to take your first kiss,” now he got into his leader mode, giving him unsolicited advice. He was pretty sure that his leader training didn’t cover anything about solving his bandmate’s lover issues.

“Well maybe there’s nothing to make clear about?” he snapped, eyes finding Soobin’s. “Maybe I wanted him to like me? What is it to you?”

A glint of annoyance crossed Soobin’s eyes for a split second, but that didn’t deter the younger for once, now that he was occupied with his own. A frown didn’t look good on Soobin, though it didn’t last for long, because Soobin’s response to confrontation was always a more passive aggressive approach. 

This time, his response came in the understanding look that dawned on his face.

“Is this why you asked those questions to me? You’re the one who wanted to stop.”

No. He didn’t want to stop. Everything would be good even if Soobin would never return his feelings, as long as he got to keep the leader in his arms. As long as Soobin would look at him so tenderly like in most nights they were tangled under the covers.

But his brain took over this time, controlling his voice. “Yes, hyung. It’s been too long, I think it’s time to move on from this stupid game we started.”

Soobin’s jaws tensed momentarily, as if he was affected by this decision when he was the one who said that this was only for fun and stress relief. It might have something to do with all those possessive holds he had on Beomgyu when they were in bed, maybe something in his subconscious had been conditioned that Beomgyu was his. At least he wanted to believe it; that there was a part of Soobin who wanted him. 

It would be fair, because Beomgyu had always wanted him with his whole heart.

“You should’ve told me earlier. You’re right, though. It’s time to end this.”

Nodding, he smiled at the elder, and for a split second, Soobin looked like he wanted to lean in for a kiss. Their bodies had been conditioned for certain things, after all. That included how Soobin always had this instinct to kiss him when he smiled so brightly, said that a smile tasted the best to kiss.

Instead, Soobin just ruffled his damp hair, then walked away from him. 

Beomgyu thought that it would be easier if he was the one who let go. At least he wouldn’t be the one getting dumped when Soobin found someone he wanted to love properly. Oh, he couldn’t be more wrong for that thought. 

The ache that pulsed from his chest now was unbearable. It was the only thing that kept him grounded into this cold studio’s floor, watching as Soobin walked away from him while trying to scrape away the thick liquid of affections that coated his heart. It only hurt more because his heart had been trained to be in love with Choi Soobin, to beat faster whenever they kissed, and to fall deeper whenever he whispered sweet nothings to his ear. 

Letting go of Soobin came with a foreboding thought that he might as well have to tear his heart away from his chest. This heart didn’t know how to beat without him being in love with his best friend.

//

“7PM, right?”

Beomgyu nodded, biting down onto his lower lip as he stared down at the hotel card key. “Will you be there?”

There was a long silence, filled with rustles of clothes as Soobin was busy putting on a jacket. Their manager was already waiting outside, ready to drive the leader to his usual Music Bank gig this morning. And here Beomgyu was again, being a hindrance and slowing him down like always.

“I’ll come,“ he finally said, taking the card away from his fidgeting hands. Beomgyu smiled up at him, only to meet a rather cold expression. A tired one. He must be so tired indulging Beomgyu and his requests, how did he never catch onto this before? 

“Thank you! I booked this a while ago to surprise you, so it would be a waste if we didn’t go, and I don’t want to be alone there, so—“

“Beomgyu, I said I’d go,” Soobin cut him when he started rambling again, which was great, because Beomgyu might have started outing himself. “It’s for the last time, right? We’ll make it special.”

Soobin smiled at him, and Beomgyu couldn’t resist smiling back, even went as far to tug on the hem of his jackets and lean in to kiss him. He ignored a pang of pain in his chest when Soobin turned his head at the last second. The kiss landed on his cheek.

He had no rights to kiss Soobin anymore. How could he forget?

//

If there was one thing that Soobin couldn’t find out, it was the fact that Beomgyu had staged this last date out of sheer desperation.

He had booked this hotel last night, then the rest of the lies flowed out of his mouth so easily. The way he made up a complete lie about booking the ticket a while ago just so they could have a night alone somewhere else. How he coaxed Soobin to join him in this trip because it would be such a waste if he went alone. It must be so easy for him to lie as he had been trained to lie the whole time, acting like he was not in love with his best friend. 

And Soobin, being the kind, gentle Soobin he was, accepted his invitation.

Perhaps it was better if the elder actually looked bothered about it, or stayed cold throughout the whole stay in this five stars hotel he booked for them. That way, it would be easier for Beomgyu to hate him once the night end.

Instead, he woke up in the hotel bed to a fleeting kiss to his lips, and a familiar brush of lips against his jaw. He woke up to Soobin’s eyes, staring at him like he had drawn all the stars in the sky. The depth of Soobin’s eyes could be frightening, how badly Beomgyu wanted it to be reserved to him only. Genuinely and not for the fact that they were trapped in this arrangement of platonic-only affections. 

“Hey,” he whispered, as softly as he could to not break the delicate air that enveloped them. “Fell asleep… sorry.”

“You must have waited for a long time, seeing that you’re ready,” he glanced down at the length of Beomgyu’s body, clad only in a white bathrobe provided by the hotel. It was on point, since Beomgyu had gotten here two hours prior to the promised time, just enough time to take a shower and catch a quick nap. 

“Shut up. You’re the slow one,” he groaned, dragging his bare leg up Soobin’s side, along the rough fabric of his pants.

Only then did he notice what Soobin was wearing. Some of the Music Bank’s outfits could be ridiculous, but some could be dangerous to Beomgyu’s health. This one belonged to the latter category, unfortunately. His heart dropped low into his abdomen as he saw the white shirt Soobin was wearing, with the long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a black tie hanging loosely around his neck. 

He hadn’t noticed that he had cursed aloud until it was responded by Soobin’s laughter. 

“Fuck, indeed,” he snorted. The annoying smug smile was drawn over his lips again. “Like what you see?”

He wished he didn’t.

Because then he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation, the humiliating one where he was perched on Soobin’s lap, fingers clutching onto his tie while the elder was slowly undressing him from his bathrobe. The soft fabric dragged over his bare skin in a tantalizingly slow movement, exposing his bare skin slowly while Soobin’s words hung over them. Thick with a promise.

“You have to tell me what you want, then you might actually get it, baby,” (Beomgyu forgot to breathe upon hearing the nickname.) “I will stop if you stop speaking.”

“I want to… uh, haven’t I said enough already?” he whined, trying to shrug the fabric off his shoulder, squirming in Soobin’s lap just to rile the elder up. He could feel the tent hardening in his pants already, why was he being so annoying?

There was a glint of annoyance in Soobin’s eyes as he snapped his gaze back at the younger, sending a swoop of fright in Beomgyu’s stomach. It was followed by a smack on the side of his thigh, which only made him gasp and cling tighter onto the elder. 

“Stop being a brat.”

Tears stung his eyes, more of an angry one than anything else, especially at the fact that it got him more aroused. Soobin’s hands settled on his waist, stopping there because Beomgyu wasn’t talking anymore. “I… I’ve been thinking about you. When I missed this, and you were just sleeping there… so close. Wanted you to fuck me again.”

The bathrobe finally slipped past his shoulders, and his elbows, and he was almost in tears from the relief. The slow touches were agonizing. It was not helping that they looked obscene this way. He could see their reflections from the huge window that displayed the night sky outside; Soobin still fully clothed in his office outfits, and he was fully naked now. It made him feel so dirty. 

“H-hyung,” he hiccupped, fingers clawing red lines onto Soobin’s nape, up into his hair and fisting around a handful when the plush lips replaced his fingers that were playing with his nipple. He tugged a little harshly, earning him a bite that made him yelp. “Fuck… are you going to fuck me? Please hurry up.”

“Patience, baby,” he mumbled around the sensitive bud, and Beomgyu wanted to scream at the sight. 

He started squirming some more, only to be held in place by a pair of strong arms. A squeeze to his ass cheek caused him to groan, knowing what Soobin would find soon. 

“I… I touched myself in the shower just now, thinking of you. I imagined you coming in while I had three fingers inside me, then you could replace them with your cock. Missed it…” 

A finger made its way past his rim, gathering the lube that he had used earlier. It made his chest bloom with a hint of achievement knowing that he was the cause of it, as Soobin cursed aloud. A hint of flush down his neck where sweat was gathering. It’s nice knowing that he made the elder as worked up as he was.

“Are you going to—ah!” he yelled at the feeling of losing his balance, only to find himself being held securely against Soobin’s frame. He was being carried in the pair of strong arms, while his own wound around Soobin’s neck. 

He was being lifted so easily, pressed up against the cold glass, with the night city scenery behind him. Like he cared about the city when he heard the rustle of belt and pants, and then he was being stretched out around Soobin’s cock. It sunk inside him easily, but still a tight fit. And then he was so full, filled to the brim and stretched around the girth. 

Soobin’s mouth found his neck as he had his head tilted back, lewd moan falling off his lips. 

“You can be as loud today. It’s just us,” came Soobin’s low voice by his neck. 

And he did just that the moment Soobin started rocking against him. His cock dragging over all the sensitive spots inside him that made his toes curl and his cock leak against the white shirt. He was being held so securely against the glass, being made to take the onslaught against his prostate. 

The scream that escaped his mouth wasn’t a surprise when he came all over his chest, shivering and clawing all over Soobin’s arm, while the elder fucked him through it. The surprise was when he started shaking in the aftermath, feeling the elder slowed down, taking his hand that was furiously brushing the tears away from his face.

“Hey, Beomgyu,” his voice was more alert now. A shadow of arousal in it, but coated by concerns dripping all over it. “You’re crying too much. Are you okay?”

Was he crying? He could feel the shaking, and the wetness, but crying during sex was common, right? He cried most of the time from pleasure.

“I’m sorry,” for ruining what we have. “I’m sorry, hyungie,” for taking advantage of your kindness. “I’m sorry,” for falling in love with you.

“Let’s stop for a bit, okay? Please breathe for me,” 

“No! Please… Just keep going,” he said, or at least tried to say, because then he noticed that it was hard to speak over his sobs. He was really crying so much, and he could tell that he ruined it for the leader. 

Soobin didn’t even get to cum. This was going to be how Soobin remembered about them in the future, especially since this would be the last time they were ever going to be this intimate. After tonight, they would go back to be roommates; back as best friends instead of friends with benefits. He'd have no rights to kiss or touch Soobin like this again, and he just had to ruin it. 

Over the past few minutes, Soobin had been patient, staying there and kissing his tears away from his cheek while Beomgyu clutched around him tightly with his legs. He stopped shaking from crying, and the cloud of emotions cleared away from his head.

“Hey, Beomgyu yah. Baby. Do you need something?” Soobin kept asking, rubbing over his waist and thumbing his hipbones. The affectionate touch only made another drop of tear spill from a corner of his eyes. There was a small thought that maybe, Soobin really cared about him. 

Maybe he would also do this last request then. 

“Can you… can you act like you’re in love with me? Make tonight a romantic one? Just… for the last time. I want to know how it feels to be loved.” 

He didn’t get to freak out about his request, because the next thing he knew, he was on the bed. Alone.

A whole different reason to freak out.

The bed was cold and there was no trace of Soobin around him and God, he wanted to cry again. Probably would’ve broken down if it was not for the dip of weight that joined him in the bed, and then Soobin was within his reach again.

“Hey, are you feeling better?” he asked.

Beomgyu winced at the contact of a warm towel on his cheek, wiping the trace of tears away from his face. His glistening eyes gazed up at the elder. “I thought you left.”

“Why would I leave you? When you look this pretty, all for hyung to have,” he said so casually, as if it didn’t send Beomgyu’s brain into its logging-off mode. “How could you look so pretty even after crying? Where’s the snotty kid I knew from a few years ago?”

“Shut up. Aren’t you supposed to make this romantic?” he grumbled.

“Are you sure you can handle that?” the challenge was present in his voice. “Are you really sure?”

Soobin was back on top of him again, their bodies were barely touching, but close enough for Beomgyu to feel his body heat. He heard rustles of clothes again as the elder started undressing himself, all while pressing his mouth in a slow journey down Beomgyu’s body. 

The noises that left his mouth were mortifying. He sounded so desperate, preening under the attention. The heat spread from the contact of Soobin’s plush lips on his skin, spreading all over his body, and particularly in his abdomen. 

If this was Soobin’s way of loving, Beomgyu’s soul would’ve ascended so many times already. 

Even once the clothes were discarded, Soobin still took his time with his kisses. He left his mark on Beomgyu’s hip, and then a scorching trace of kiss along his thigh. He took his time teasing Beomgyu’s hardening cock with his mouth, tongue peeking between his lips to lap a drop of precum from the head. Beomgyu almost kicked him in the face.

In the end, it was when Soobin started fucking him again that Beomgyu lost it. 

His hands were being held, fingers intertwined above his head. It felt too intimate. As if it was not enough, Soobin just had to whisper in his ear, lips pressed to his earlobe. 

“I don’t want to act like I’m in love with you. I can’t, because I’m actually in love with you, Beomgyu yah.”

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. He tried to make sure that he was not hearing things because he was being fucked to heaven and back, and Soobin confirmed it again as he swooped a kiss from his mouth. His voice was gentle. 

“I love you, Choi Beomgyu.”

Choi Soobin, that asshole, didn’t let him free for a fucking second to clear his mind. He only rocked his hips harder against the younger, fucking him in a way that made his words jumbled in his tongue, reduced into lewd moans and choked screams. But this was okay, because this moment was reserved only for the two of them. 

The kiss was broken, and his mouth moved to press a kiss to the inside of Beomgyu’s wrist. Their fingers still locked together.

Beomgyu had never felt something so intimate. To feel so loved. 

He might have passed out when he came with Soobin’s name on his tongue, and that was when Soobin bit down on his wrist, right as he spilled ropes of cum inside him.

Beomgyu thought that he might die a little there, but at least he was loved.

Or maybe he was just dramatic. Even better.

//

The pleasure stayed in his bloodstream, sticking onto his bones, even on the morning after as Beomgyu found himself sitting by the huge window. He was wearing the shirt Soobin was wearing the night before, letting it stay unbuttoned, hanging loose over his smaller frame as he gazed out at the city below. 

There were a lot of thoughts, a lot of insecurity, and mostly fear. The fear that he had asked for too much from Soobin, and the leader was only tolerating him. The fear that everything they felt, it was only because of the sex. 

And then Soobin joined him on the floor, caging him from behind with his arms, and breathing him in with his face pressed to his neck. 

Beomgyu felt at home. 

“You’re thinking so loudly, so early in the morning,” came Soobin’s low voice, as he nuzzled into the warmth of Beomgyu’s neck.

The neck that he littered with his marks the night prior. Beomgyu didn’t think that the declaration of love would come with a lot of biting on its wake. He was still considering whether he was regretting it or not. The bite mark on his wrist still stung as he thought about it. 

“Just… wondering. What if we never started kissing in the first place, would we still fall for each other in that tiny room of ours? Is it because of all the kisses and sex?”

“Stupid,” Soobin said, sinking his teeth once more into Beomgyu’s neck and eliciting a tiny yelp from the younger, along with a slap on his bare thigh. 

“Really! I’m also wondering when it all changed, too. How did our platonic kisses turn into romantic ones? Did it even change? Is there a difference?”

As he was squeezed around his waist, Beomgyu had to shut up. 

“When I heard you said you loved me back in the living room that night, I thought it was because of the sex, but I wanted it to be true,” Soobin said, his voice dripping with sincerity. “But you started acting weird, avoiding me, and I thought you didn’t want me anymore after that. You might finally got bored or something.”

“I thought you ignored me on purpose!” Beomgyu gasped, slapping the arm that was crossed over his abdomen. Soobin hissed at the sting. “Honestly, I get you. I still can’t believe what you said last night too, what if it only happened because of the high of the sex?”

“Do you want me to show you how I do my romantic kiss, then? Maybe you can judge on your own,” the leader offered, finally lifting his head from where he hid it. 

He still looked sleepy when Beomgyu shifted in his arms, turning his head to face him. Yet he looked so ready, it made him want to challenge. “Show me, then.”

The kiss came as a fleeting one, a brush of lips against his own, then a quick smooch that might be cute if only Beomgyu was not trying to figure out the mystery. He was being kissed over and over, one for each word that escaped Soobin’s lips. 

“I love you, stupid.”

“Hey!” he whined, shoving Soobin by his cheek eventually because he could feel the flush in his cheeks. How humiliating. Soobin grabbed his hand, pressing a kiss where he left his bite mark on the inside of Beomgyu’s wrist the previous night. 

“I love you.”

He turned his back towards the elder, shrinking into himself and burying his burning face inside his palms “Shut up!” 

“I’m going to tell you seventeen times before breakfast, since your head seems too thick for the information to get in.”

God. Beomgyu didn’t sign up for this.

//

He figured the answer, okay. There was no difference between the two kinds of kisses to begin with.

Unlike what Taehyun implied, there didn’t need to be any line between the two. Beomgyu was still thankful for Taehyun and his big brain for suggesting that, just so he could put his feelings into words. Or else, the two of them would still be dancing around each other by now, pretending that there was nothing behind the kisses they shared daily.

Friends do not kiss each other, and they do not have sex casually.

Still, he was thankful for his own silly idea that started this whole thing. In contrary to popular beliefs, perhaps it was okay to come up with stupid ideas at times.