Chapter Text
Tuesday // 1:03 P.M.
“It’s okay Sam,” the therapist said resting back in his seat. “Just start from the top.”
Sam took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he thought back on the harrowing nightmare that only reared its head when Sam was overly stressed about things. It had been another hard week. He hadn’t had a week so tough in months, but he was knowledgeable enough to know that trying to ignore things when they got bad would only make it unbearable when he finally broke down.
“I’m running…running as fast as I can. I don’t look back. I can’t look back for some reason, so I run trying to escape what’s following me,” Sam recalled wringing his hands. “I get to a point where I can feel the darkness getting closer. It’s breathing down my neck.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“It’s terrifying. My heart is pounding and my skin is prickling because I know…I know if I stop it’ll get me and…I can’t-,” Sam said, feeling tears beginning to well in his eyes.
Part of Sam knew where the fear of being pursued stemmed from. He knew he still carried the stress and trauma from being kidnapped despite being an active participant in saving his own life at certain moments during the ordeal. But the entire situation three years ago had left more than an impression on Sam and he was trying to overcome it in whatever ways he could. He’d gotten intensive therapy and for a time was on medications for the anxiety. Thankfully he’d been able to get off his meds and the panic attacks greatly lessened. But the nightmares, those persisted. They were the hardest part to work out yet.
“Okay. Okay Sam,” the doctor said, calming him down. “Where are you headed? Have you been able to see anything new about where you’re headed?”
Sam shook his head and looked down at his hands. “I wish I knew. I wish I knew where I was running to so maybe I’d feel better about running you know. Maybe then it won’t feel like it’s endless.”
“That there’s a destination?”
“Yes,” Sam agreed.
“Yeah. But in time I’m sure the dream will resolve itself and your mind will provide you with the destination,” the therapist suggested. “But let’s think about the fact it’s been four months since your last visit Sam.”
“Yeah,” Sam said resting back in his chair.
“The dream used to be every night at one point right? Now look at you. A whole four months without it,” the therapist pointed.
“Yeah,” Sam said. It was the same thought he had when he woke up in a cold sweat and scheduled himself for a visit. He thought he was free of it at last, but that was obviously not the case.
“As we usually do, we never end on the negative. What’s a positive you’ve got for me?” the therapist asked.
“My uh, husband comes home this week,” Sam said, feeling happiness bloom in his chest.
“He’s been away?”
“Yeah for work. It’s been three weeks,” Sam thought about just how long they’d been apart.
The therapist checked in Sam’s file. “Your husband is a business man right?”
“Yeah,” Sam said sitting up straight. “He travels for business meetings and stuff from time to time.” The cover story for Bucky’s job came easily and effortlessly after three years of peddling it. “It’s high stress on him at times, and it keeps us apart mostly during the week since his office is in the city. But we make it work.”
“That’s great to hear. And he’s supportive and helpful to you with your recovery?”
“Absolutely. He calls me constantly asking how I am,” Sam said thinking about how concerned Bucky was when Sam told him he’d be going in for a visit after so long over a recent nightmare. Sam smiled to himself. “Trust me; this weekend can’t come fast enough.”
Friday // 12:50 A.M.
Bucky pressed evenly with the knuckles of his fingers into the muscles of Sam’s back and listened to the pleasant, soft moans he heard come from the other. Bucky sat on the edge of their bed and massaged Sam’s back after he woke up yet again from another nightmare.
“Thank you baby,” Sam whispered softly, but loud enough for Bucky to hear him.
“You never have to thank me for something that’s my duty Sam.”
“Waking up in the middle of the night to give me a massage is part of your duty now?” Sam asked.
Bucky leaned down and placed a few kisses down his husband’s spine. “Yes. Taking care of you however you need is part of that, or do you not remember my vows?” Bucky asked with a soft smile on his lips as he smoothed his hands down Sam’s spine and got back to massaging him.
“I remember,” Sam whispered softly, almost as if he was sad.
“What’s wrong love?” Bucky asked, already knowing the answer somehow.
“It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. You can make another choice,” Sam said sitting up to look Bucky in the eye.
Bucky sighed and shook his head. “This is for the best, we talked about this,” Bucky said, avoiding Sam’s eyes. He knew if he looked into Sam’s eyes Bucky would cry and he couldn’t do that at the moment. Not when he was trying to say goodbye.
Bucky didn’t understand why he was saying goodbye. It didn’t feel like any other parting when Bucky had to go to work. This felt final and devastating for reasons Bucky couldn’t put his finger on.
Sam leaned his forehead against Bucky’s and sighed. “This isn’t over,” Sam said, moving back to look deep into his eyes. “Not by a long shot.”
The alarm clock buzzed and Bucky opened his eyes to the hotel room ceiling above him. He took a moment to think about what he was just doing and realized the strangeness of the dream he’d just had. Rather than wonder why he was saying goodbye to his husband like that, Bucky got out of bed and started packing his things for check-out.
He’d learned his lesson from back before he was married, dwelling on dreams never led to anything positive. So Bucky got up and gathered his belongings from around the room he’d used as a base for three weeks while on his current mission. Thankfully his agent was competent and got assignments done in a timely manner so Bucky was finished with his assignment a full week ahead of their allotted time. He was headed home for a much deserved break.
Bucky folded his clothes, packed away his shoes and computer equipment. He double checked all areas of the room and headed downstairs to the front desk to settle his account.
Bucky wheeled his suitcases out to his rental and set out on the two and a half hour drive home.