Work Text:
"Why the fuck is your window open," you were startled by the sudden opening of the door followed by the voice of an unexpected visitor. You smiled to yourself as the raven-haired man entered the room with the same familiar aggressive walk you have been looking from afar not a few years ago.
You immediately put the book down the table next to your bed and let your bare feet dangle and move, you pouted at the fact that they can't even reach the cold tiled floor. You held your hands together and stared outisde the window. You were too engrossed reading the book he brought the day before that you did not notice it was snowing outside.
The snow meant a lot to the both of you but you decided it is still too early to reminisce and you would not want to do that with Levi being in the same room. At least not now. Or hoped you would never come to that point.
"Would you please be a dear and close it for me, then," You smiled. He was still frowning as he examined you, all sat in the tiny hospital bed that somehow looked bigger because of your tiny figure on it. At least today you don't have any of those needles and what nots attached to you. How he hated seeing you with those.
He was quick to close the window first before placing down the food he bought on his way towards you. Bread you always bought in your favorite bakery, the youghurt drinks you sipped when you're busy reading books and a few chocolate bars he was hesitant to buy because he knew how sweet-toothed you are, you'd probably finish all of them before he even gets home.
"I thought I told you not to come today," You started as you put both legs up on the bed and crossed them for an Indian sit. Levi frowned at the way your bed is undone. He hated everytime he sees crumple in your sheets, so he took the initiative to take your blanket and neatly placed it over you, until your waist and straightened the rest using his palm.
"Yeah? I don't remember saying I'd follow you," He said with a raised brow. You chuckled. Not a surprise since Levi is more hard-headed than anyone else you knew anyway.
"How are the kids?" You asked, pertaining to the children under him. You both work as teachers in a grade school. Levi has been there for two years before you moved to the town. It was funny how the two of you barely talked before and now here you are.
"Still annoying kids. That Jaeger kid has some real anger issues along with that Reiner Braun. My head has been aching the whole fucking day listening to them bickering that leads to fighting until the two of them cries," you could sense stress in his voice but you knew him better. He loved all his students. He is happy to watch them grow.
You nodded. "Good thing they have you, then."
"Funny thing is, that little Kirschtein boy would always add fire to the flame by laughing at them and challenging them to fight to figure out who's stronger," He shook his head. You could see stress lines in his forehead, urging you to place fingers and stretch them.
"You looked stressed but you also look happy. They're very lucky you're looking after them," You smiled at him as you place your hands back to your lap.
"Tch. Whatever," He just shrugged. Silence then fell on the both of you. He would've told you how your class misses you and how your students were planning to give you individual letters but he knew it would make you tear up so he decided not to. You'd definitely cry on that day they'd give it anyway so he'll save your tears for that.
He just could not help but notice how thin you have become. His fingers could already meet each other everytime he holds your wrist. He could see the color of your veins in your arms and hands especially when it's cold. Though you have lost a lot of weight, you are still the most beautiful person in his eyes. Your eyes are still the same, the same eyes he fell in love with since the day you set your foot on that school, two years ago. Something he would never admit.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" You asked when his eyes became kinder. Levi always held his stares as intense as they could be. His eyes were never kind. The only instances his eyes would be like that is when he sees his students crying or when he is... hopeless.
He shook his head and avoided your gaze. "Hurry up and heal already and take care of that annoying Titan. He wouldn't even eat his fucking dog food, I already spent a lot to buy him the most expensive ones," he groaned. He was referring to your dog. Titan was a stray dog that you came across one time while driving. It was stucked in the middle of the road, trembling while all the cars were just passing by and you couldn't stand to see it stay like that.
The two of you argued when you allowed the dog inside his car, all smelly and muddy. Levi was a clean freak so he immediately despised the dog. Your love for animals was strong, and his love for you was surely stronger since he himself was the one to bathe the dog once you got home. "You suck at cleaning, this dog would probably stay muddy and dirty if you'd bathe him. You'd let him sleep on your bed, then sleep with me. I don't want to sleep with germs," he reasoned.
"I miss him too!" You pouted. "Show me some of his pictures,"
"Pictures-- why would I take pictures of a fucking dog?"
You laughed heartily. You always knew it everytime Levi is just being defensive. "Come on! I know you have them, Levi. Please," you fluttered your eyes like a lost puppy. "I miss him so much!"
He sighed in defeat. "Fine. But for the record it wasn't me who took them," he said as he reach for his phone inside his pocket.
"Who would've taken them then?" Levi had to swallow before answering. So much for making excuses. He would never want you to know he has grown fond of the dog he despised so much.
"Hange. They took pictures and sent it to me when I took him to their house," he reasoned out. "Fuck. Anyway. Just look at them and stop grinning at me, you're starting to look like Titan," he rolled his eyes. You moved to make space for him. He quickly noticed and sat beside you. You smiled at the familiar warmth he is bringing.
He started showing Titan's pictures to you. His raven hair resembles Levi's hair and eyes so much. You miss them both. You already miss Levi even though he is literally sitting beside you.
You stared at him as he talked about his day, about his kids and about how loud Hange is when Moblit finally asked him out. Good for Moblit, you thought. You stared at the way his lips curled when he talked about the drawing Mikasa submitted to him. The little girl liked you that she drew you in one of her classes.
You stared intently until you felt that familiar pang on your chest. This is the man I love the most. This is thr man I woulf trade the world for. This is the man I'd be willing to die for. Before tears could even flow out of your eyes, you sneaked both arms to his waist and burrowed your face on his neck. He stiffened at the sudden gesture.
You tried so hard not to let your sobs out. He wrapped his arms around you, allowing you to feel his warmth as he inhaled your scent. He hated the way you also smelled like the hospital. You were always strawberries and sun, you still are, he just hates how the smell of the filthy place tries so hard to mix with your scent.
First impression on Levi was always the moody, clean-freak and snobby teacher. It was hard for you to talk to him for your first year of working because he would always look at you irritated, as if you have never done right in your life. But then that changed one fateful afternoon when you left your umbrella. Your car broke down so it was taken to the mechanic. On that afternoon, you were so sure you'd walk home all wet from the rain but he offered you his umbrella and gave you his coat and even offered a ride home.
It was like a scene in a movie. It was very cliché but enough to change how you looked at him. You watched as he finsihed the porridge you cooked when you offered him to stay for a while in your apartment as the two of you wait for the rain to stop. He made fun of how messy your apartment is and you just couldn't help laughing when he started talking about the best bathroom cleaners.
They were right about their first impression. He is moody, clean-freak and definitely a snob when you annoy him, but there was so much more to Levi.
Soon enough, the man had gathered his courage to finally ask you out on a date. A year has been long enough, he thought. You only had one boyfriend in high school and that's all the experience you have so your face was expectedly red when you revealed that to him. On the other hand, Levi found it amusing and honored at the same time. Who would not date a beauty like you? He began judging everyone in your college, everyone must have been either fucking coward or blind to not pursue you.
Levi had his fair share of women before, mostly in college but also have never been in a serious relationship. Both of you were navigating on an uncharted waters but somehow it didn't matter because you were doing it with Levi.
"My parents live upstates. I have two brothers, one older and the other one younger but they're also both working in different states now. We were really close and definitely inseparable when we were kids," you shared one dinner in his home. "How about you? When do I get to meet your parents?" You joked. You've only been in two dates and this is the second, you thought you could finally see a flushed Levi but boy, you were just so damn wrong.
"I don't have one," he said so casually. You carefully put down your utensils and stared at your lap. Good job for touching a sensitive topic that's way out of your bounds. Damn it.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned nor asked," Humiliation all over your face, reflected by your words.
Levi chukled and messed your hair. "Don't be so sorry now, brat. I have lived like that my whole life. With all the pity I have received before, I won't have room for yours anymore so throw just throw it out the fucking window."
Soon enough, he started talking about his family. His father ran away when he was still a baby, he never got to meet him. His mother died when he was just four, so he also barely remembers her face. He grew up with his uncle, at least until before he graduated college for he also died because of too much alcoholism and lung cancer.
All you could do was hug him when he finished telling his story. You couldn't imagine how painful that could've been. Growing up with no parents and eventually losing the only father figure you have before even seeing you achieve your dreams. You held him tight and appreciated his strength.
That night was also the night he kissed you for the first time.
Levi was never the talkative type but he definitely is a listener. He always paid attention everytime you ranted about how stressful the paperworks are, when you talked about the sale in the mall or even when you talked about your childhood memories and how you miss your brothers so much. Levi made sure to listen to them all while you remained wondering why he never got annoyed even if some of your stories were already redundant.
A few weeks before Christmas, your parents informed you of their overseas vacation. Both your brothers also plans to spend the occassion in their lovers' houses so that leaves you and Levi alone to celebrate together. You invited your co-workers but them knowing it'd going to be your first Christmas together just teased the two of you to savor it as your first Christmas as lovers.
Little did you know, it was also his birthday. So much for Levi not talking about it that you only figured it out when Hange called and asked if you would need lingerie for Christmas eve since you'd be both a Christmas and birthday gift for your boyfriend. And that was two days before the 25th.
You may not be the better cook between the two of you but you definitely are the better baker. Levi would burn down a house with his baking skills. One fact you love for only the two of you knew about that one time he did call his bestfriend, Erwin, to help him extinguish the fire he has caused.
"I'm sorry, it's probably burnt on the sides but it's still edible. Happy birthday!" You said as raised his cake when clock striked exactly at 12:00. He looked at you with eyebrows almost meeting.
"Are you sure you're not trying to poison me, huh brat?" He asked with arms crossed on his chest.
"You know what, nevermind," you were about to put it down when he blowed the candle. A smile crept into your lips.
"I've never blown a birthday candle before... At least I don't remember blowing one," he said with a sad smile. "Thank you," it was almost inaudible.
You were about to tear up so you burrowed your face in his chest and embracrd him tight. He tensed up but wrapped his arms around you as well. "You're so dramatic! From now on, I'll always make you your birthday cake and you won't get a choice. You have to eat it even if it's completely burnt!"
Levi let out a laugh and embraced you tighter. "I fucking love you," He said those words carefully and near your ears where you could hear them properly. He finally said the words you were meaning to hear. You couldn't explain the joy in your heart, and at the same time the pain. If only you did not receive the news a month ago.
That night the two of you shared the warmth only the two of you could explain. He was gentle in handling you, as if you're his treasured possession. Everything about Levi screams haste and aggressiveness but none of those were felt when he held you closer than before. You smiled while sleeping even though you have never been that tired before.
If someone would ask what you would miss in Levi the most, you'd probably not able to cite just one thing. You would have to make a list.
Which one should go as number one? Let's see. Should it be way he insists to open the car door for you, his gentle push on your back everytime you are walking side by side or the way he always makes sure you drink water the same amount you drink alcohol when you go out with friends?
Maybe it's everytime he tucks the lose strands of your hair behind your ear. The way he would always hug you from the behind when he just had a rough day. Or probably when he ties your hair when you're using both hands in cooking. Or probably when he offers his coat to you without a word.
Silly. It was him as a whole. All his beauty, all his thoughts, imperfections and his flaws. You will miss everything about him.
February 14th when you should be celebrating Valentine's dinner but instead you both rushed to the hospital upon receiving a call. Erwin Smith, his childhood friend and best friend until college, has gone into a car accident and is in critical condition.
Levi tried to keep his composure but you watched as he shook his leg restlessly while waiting outside the operating room. You watched as he fought his closing eyelids, refusing to doze off to sleep. You ached at the sight. Levi, is this how you'll be when you figure out?
It was 12:32 AM when the doctor finally stepped out of the operating room and delivered the news to Erwin's family and to his life-long friend. "I'm sorry, we tried our best."
Levi left with a frown. How... how is it that he always loses all the important people in his life?
You drove on the way home and decided to stay with him until he sleeps. He never cried. He wanted, but he couldn't. He rested his head in your chest, he listened carefully to your heartbeat and smiled weakly. At least you're still here.
"Please... Don't leave me," it was a whisper, something you barely heard but it has been ringing the whole time you cradled Levi to sleep. Silent tears falling down your face as your hand go up and down Levi's back, assuring him of your presence.
How could you even leave him?
Levi barely talked a week after that. A month had passed when he had to face... finally face another heartbreak brought by you this time.
"She has brain cancer," your doctor broke the news carefully to Levi. He was so sure his ears were left ringing after that. He had to make the doctor repeat the statement. He wished he just heard it wrong but the doctor just repeated the same thing.
Why... why did you not tell him sooner? Why did you wait until you collapse for him to find out? Levi couldn't even explain the fear he felt when he saw you lying unconscious in the kitchen floor that he could not remember how he was able to get you to the hospital... only to hear this ridiculous revelation.
"We have been treating her since November," Levi shut his eyes tight and fists balled upon hearing the truth. You fucking knew months ago and you chose not to say a single fucking word.
Soon he realized why you would often be missing in school during breaks. Why you turned down his offer to live in his apartment, your reason being you're parents would visit soon which never happened yet. He realized why you would always doze off even in the middle of the day when you're together. And why you barely invited him in your apartment, you were hiding those meds, aren't you? All those time you said your head was aching and slept in his arms, those were not just normal headaches. You were in extreme pain and he was clueless. Everything has finally made a fucking sense.
When you woke up after that, his stoic face was the first you have seen.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His voice was firm and full of betrayal.
You did not look him in the eye, you couldn't. "I wasn't planning to. I was supposed to break up with you first,"
"You thought I couldn't handle another loss," It was a statement. He knew.
You could feel your eyes heating and watering. "I... I don't want you to suffer because of me. I'm going to die, Levi. If we're together I'm just going to leave you alone again,"
"Who fucking cares? I told you I love you, didn't I? Fuck. Hurt me all you fucking want, I don't care anymore. Just... stay. Stay as long as you can," He said with so much anger his voice cracked at the last sentence.
Levi did his best to take care of you. He was there every step, in each medication and he finally insisted for you to stay in his home but you still tried to refuse.
"I don't want you to remember me being in your house." You admitted. Making more memories in his own home would be harder for him. Levi knew that. He knew that whether you live there or not, every corner of his house would always scream of you. He would always see you smiling there.
"Have you ever thought that maybe I want that?"
You laughed. "No. You shouldn't want that,"
He groaned and called your name as a warning. He always avoided this type of conversation.
"Fine. Just buy another house then, I'll be haunting this," you said it as a joke.
"Please fucking do," he said with no smile in his face.
The past few months, you have been a more frequent visitor of the hospital. Your body has began refusing the treatments the hospital could offer. And now you've been stucked in this alcohol-smelling place for two weeks.
"Are you staying here for the night?" You asked with your face still on his shoulders. He held you tighter and pulled you closer. Levi almost groaned at how thin you have become. He should bring more food, or at least ask the hospital to give you more.
"Do you want me to stay here?" You nodded immdiately. Your parents has just went back home and your brothers are to visit but still tomorrow. You hate being alone in this room, having Levi would make it much more bearable.
"Only if you take all your works here. I don't want paperworks piling up in your desk," You said as a condition.
Levi laughed, you could feel the vibrations in his chest. It was a relief to hear that from you. You never wanted him to slack off, and the same he is with you. You're still his sweet darling, he was reminded, "Of course,"
He drove back to his apartment to get spare clothes as well as a few of his paperworks so you would not worry much. He thought of buying more food so you could gain back your weight, something he regrets for he had to wait almost an hour... he wouldn't have arrived to the scene he is seeing now.
Doctors and nurses has flocked towards your room, Levi tried to barge in but was immediately stopped by the nurses. The equipment in your room were beeping loudly and echoing in the hallways, he knew none of those were good. He was pushed outside but the image of your hand falling down was etched in his head before the door was shut in his face.
Levi was trembling as he sat against the wall near your door. He could faintly hear the haste in the medical professionals' voices inside your room until he couldn't hear anything else anymore. It was a world of nothing... but his aching heart.
Levi lost a lot in his life. His father he never met, his mother he loved but couldn't even remember the face. His uncle, who had been his only family. Erwin who has been like a brother to him.
Life is cruel. Life is a fucking bitch. Levi would lie if he'd say he never thought of ending his suffering. He had endured a lot before you came. For a while he thought all those suffering might have happened to prepare him for the happiness you would bring. He thought heavens wanted him to feel sadness so he could fully appreciate what happiness is. But damn, he had never been this wrong. Heavens would never be kind to him. He should have known better.
Those pain were to prepare him for an even bigger pain of losing you. Heavens must have thought he wouldn't be able to get through it if he lost you first before all of those.
But nothing could ever prepare him in losing you.
No reason could ever suffice why he had to lose you.
Nothing.
Levi was still so restless when the doctors went out of your room. They warned him of the possibility of transferring you to the intensive care unit if things get worse again. The image of you having all those needles and breathing equipment hurt Levi in ways unexplainable.
He was only able to hold your hand and pray to heavens for a miracle. They have never been once in his side. He even thought he might have been the worst person in his past life to deserve all this. But today, he begged with his whole life. He would do anything just ro witness a miracle.
You were alseep for almost three days. The face of your brothers were the first thing you have ever saw when you opened your eyes. You scanned the room and searched for Levi but to no avail, he just left after three days of being with you. Your brothers insisted he went home since he barely slept for those three days. Levi didn't want to but the thought of you seeing him as fucked up as he is right now made him do the inevitable. He had to go home.
"He promised to be back tomorrow," your older brother explained as he tried to open oranges for you. They have finally removed your breathing equipemnt but an IV remained on your right arm.
Later, you learned you've been screaming in pain three days ago after Levi left, prompting your physician and nurses to tend you. You were basically going rogue, as termed by your younger brother, trying to lighten up the mood.
Levi arrived the day after, in the afternoon with a shocked face and betrayal. You laughed. You told your brothers not to inform him because you knew he would be rushing towards you and would forget about his much needed rest.
He literally ran to pull you for an embrace which made your brothers smile, with evident pain in their eyes and chose to leave the two of you alone.
"Why would you not fucking call me? Do you even have the slightest fucking idea how fucking worried I was!?" He was yelling. Levi was trying so hard not to cry but his reddened eyes already says a lot.
You pulled him down to the bed to sit down in front of you. "Because I know you'd just rush here and not bother to sleep. My brothers said you stayed awake for the past three days. I'm sorry," you said as you played with his hands. His hands were surprisingly more calloused than you expect it to be. "You have to stop worrying too much about me," you smiled, trying to hide the pain in your head obce again.
"How can I fucking not worry about you? If I can, don't you think I would've done that a long time ago?" He said sarcastically.
You just chuckled and rested your head on his shoulders. Your head feels like being crushed by an unseen heavy object, you didn't want him to see you in pain. "I'm sorry for putting you in this situation,"
Slowly, you start to regret everything. Why did you ever move to this town? Why did you even forget your umbrella that day? Why did you say yes when he asked you out? Why did you even fall in love?
The physical pain you have been feeling cannot even compare to the pain you have for Levi. You are leaving the person again. The same person who practically lost everyone. You'd just be another picture frame he has to put down in order to forget.
"I love you," he just whispered. It was more than enough. Levi hoped you understand that he wouldn't have it any other way. If he knew this is how you are going to end up, he'd still do the same over and over again. He would let his heart broken as many times as you want just to have those few moments with you. He loves you that much, he couldn't even believe himself anymore. Who would've thought he is capable of feeling this way?
"I fucking love you. Do you hear that?" He repeated with a firm voice. He wrapped his arms around you.
"I love you too," you said with cracking voice.
"Good. So heal. Get well for me. Promise me you'll come home with me. Prove your love for me. You get that?"
You held him closer and silently nodded. "Of course. I still haven't mastered cooking your favorite food and your tea! I still haven't choose the movie on our movie night. I still have to bake you your cake on all your birthdays. I'm going home soon, just so you wait," you said with full of hope you almost believed.
It was as if the doctor hasn't been there an hour ago to tell you your condition has already metastasized to your lungs and it would not be long until you finally leave, it was a condition a surgery could not even solve anymore.
"I love you, Levi. I love you with my whole heart," Levi smiled hearing you say those words.
Soon enough, he realized he should have recorded your voice saying those precious words. He would have replayed and replayed it all over and over again.
Six days after that, you fell into a deep slumber... and never woke up again.
~
Levi sighed as he blowed the candle. "Happy birthday to me," he said painfully with a smile on his face. Snow heavily falling down outside again, the same as it has been last year. Except that you are not there.
He tried so hard to imitate the same cake you made for him a year ago. With poorly applied white frosting with a simple "happy birthday, my love" on its top. Levi smiled to himself. He could never.
He closed his eyes. Pain is still there and he doubts it would ever go away. He never wants it to go away anyway. The pain would forever remind him of the love you have shared and he never wants to forget.
"Come haunt me, please," he said as he rested his head against the wall. "Come haunt me," the tears haven't even fallen down from his cheeks when Titan has already licked them.
Levi laughed and held the dog closer. "You're such a brat. Bother me but not like this," he said while smiling and looking up.
"Heavens, please. Even just for a day... Let her haunt me."