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"I hope you are feeling better. If there's anything you'd like to share, please remember that we are one call away."
"Thank you."
Byul can hear a smile with sniff from the other line, and hangs up the call right after when she's sure that the person is alright. Byul has been in this job for roughly a year as part-timer due to the fact that she's still a full-time university student in psychology. With this job, she is able to feel the happiness while being the emotional support for those who are in need of such support. She knows what it feels like to be lost with yourself, and how precious it can be to get somebody's emotional support; even just listening. Still immersing in her thought, then the phone rings... just in time.
"Hello, this --"
"Is this suicide prevention hotline?" the person cuts in...which is not that unusual in Byul's experience.
"Yes, it is. May I help you?"
"...I don't know if this work.. but.. I just want to find support...before something bad happen to me." This person seems cold, yet very straightforward. Byul can somewhat feel the familarity in that voice, but can't pinpoint for now.
"How long has you been feeling this? You can talk comfortably to me."
"since...forever." the person stops for awhile, and Byul can hear she's sobbing "I - - I just don't think I can live another day...It- It's just hurt so much."
"Listen. I know that this is tough but look at bright side, you can always find support around you."
"I can't really do that...I have my own therapist but it doesn't really work...and I cannot express this to other people...it's lonely..." the person sobs even harder.
"You have me. Right here." Byul really means it, and she's concerned about this person totally. After a few seconds of silence . . . Byul can feel the person is getting her warm, and sincerity. Byul then continues "I mean . . . I'm not a professional therapist or whatever, but I can listen...and I care."
"Thank you. Really."
"I hope you are feeling better, and not thinking of harming yourself."
"It is ok . . . I just put down the blade"
"Great..." Byul is able to hide her surprise nonetheless; "So whenever you feel this way, you can call our hotline, or talk to your therapist. I am concerned about your safety."
"Can-Can I just talk to you?" Byul suddenly feels the heat from her cheek...to keep her professionalism, she knows she need to have stance.
"It's not really common-"
"Please." the person cuts off swiftly
"Ok. Sure. but you know--"
"What's your number?" once again, Byul is cut off.
Within a blink, it's been a week since Byul and that person keeps in touch...yes, they haven't really had the chance to know each other's name, and well, it's best not to anyway. They always talk around 1-2AM in the morning, for some reason, that person is always awake and calls Byul that time...Byul can't really complain, can she?
"So how are you feeling today? Better?"
"Slightly...talking to you put me at ease to be honest."
"That's great to hear. Have you had chance to express your feelings to your family or friends? It's also good for you mentally."
"My parents can't know, or they will be very worried...Staying away from them already worries them..."
"I suppose you move to the city? tough job?" To Byul, it seems like the person must be working very hard to support her family; that's why she is only awake at these late times. A picture of a girl working in a Gopchang restaurant appears in her mind...is that her?
"Well...you can say that..." In this one week time, Byul can also already tell that this person is being confidential about her identity; it gets her curious as well.
"I suppose you have colleagues...Have you ever shared your feeling with them?"
"Yes, they are supportive...but when I am home, I am alone...and those thoughts come back..."
"Why don't you live together then?"
"I-I am introvert...I want to live alone." this line gets Byul silent for a while...stuck...not sure what to reply. "and that's why I want to keep talking to you like this...until I'm sleepy and another day comes; just like that."
"Sure...I am here, always."
"You know someday...I just feel very empty...I don't find a reason to exist anymore...I wish I just disappear...I just couldn't handle living another day...I just wanted to close my eyes, and lose the pain."
"Perhaps ending your life is the end for you...but it's a suffering for those who are left behind."
"I don't want anyone to feel responsible on that."
"Whether you want it or not, it's up to them. Imagine they lose someone precious, and wonder what went wrong, and blame themselves for the rest of their lives."
"I don't want that."
"Perhaps...slowly, this is how you can find your strengths, and purpose." Byul can hear the other one sobs, "There's just so much you would leave behind."
"I know there's those that would envy my life...but someday, I just cannot handle the pain."
"It is tough, I won't lie about that...but I am here."
"Thank you for that."
After talking for a while, Byul can hears the other person yawn.
"Look like somebody is sleepy already."
"Ha...yes I am...I can go to sleep in peace now... thank you- miss...can I just know your name?"
"I'm Moonbyul, and you can just call me Byul." Byul is happy to be honest that this person is interested to know her name at least.
"Ok, thank you Byul!"
"You're most welcome! and your name is...?"
"No. I won't tell. See you same time tomorrow! Bye!" this person chuckles, and hangs up right after- to much Byul's annoyance.
"Thank to you, now I can sleep without using sleeping pill."
"I'm glad to know that, ms. top secret" It's a month since they talked, and their conversation gets more casual; and there's abit of intimate...tension in between, when two people emotionally bonds.
"Ugh...I know you are pissed...but trust me, you won't want to talk to me if you see me outside."
"What are you talking about? I've been talking to you for a month, and I don't even care what you look like."
"It just . . . I am not ready."
"I just want to know your name, not marry you."
"Who knows? Maybe we'll do that in the future! let's know each other like this first!"
"As if you are interested in me . . . "
"Of course. You're like my happy pill that no one can replace...even my therapist."
Byul hesitates to reply, as she can feel the heat upon her cheeks.
"Pay me my therapy session fee then! I can be a millionnaire at this point."
"Oh. Do you have certificate to be one?" the person laughs from the other line.
"I am getting one end of next year... pay me by then."
"I see. You must be a psychology student..or scholar!"
"You keep getting info out of me, and I know none about you...how fair is that?"
"Do you talk to other caller like this?"
"No, why?"
"Good...Because I want to be the only one."
"Sorry! I know I am late for the call today...I'm just...confused with the timezone and all."
"Oh, are you abroad?"
"Well...I am...just 1 hour behind you"
"Hong Kong?"
"Damn...are you a fortune teller?"
"Just a wild guess..."
"Thank for staying awake, and talk to me."
"It's okay...while not talking to you, I have time to watch my favorite girlgroup on livestream." Byul chuckles.
"and who is that?"
"Oh, you know...it's just...I don't really share much on that-" Byul hesitates since she never really express her fangirl mode.
"Tell me tell me!" the person is really persistent to know, and won't let Byul slide by.
"I was watching MAMAMOO performance in that concert from Hong Kong...that's why Hong Kong comes up to my mind when you tell me you're abroad." A chuckle can be heard from the girl, "Please don't tease me."
"Oh.. MAMAMOO? Interesting trio girlgroup, right?"
"Of course! They are NUMBER 1 GIRLGROUP of the entire universe! Don't fight with me on that."
"Chill...I just never know you listen to them."
"Despite my busy study & working schedule, I still manage to keep up with MAMAMOO activities. I am a loyal moo."
"Ok..today we skip my matter, and I'm interested to learn more about your loyalty."
"Really?"
"As long as my therapist is happy-"
"I am NOT your therapist...I am just your friend...on phone."
"So why MAMAMOO?"
"You know...When I am down, I always listen to MAMAMOO. For some reason, I feel alive and happy listening to them, and watching them. They always cheer me up, and keep me to spread my happiness to others too."
"Is that why you choose this job?"
"Partly...but yes, they are apart of reason why I want to pay it forward by cheering other people up."
"I am glad you find a girlgroup like that...so...who is your favorite MAMAMOO member?"
"My sun...Yongsun! also known as Solar! She is AMAZ-"
"You piece of ..."
"Excuse me, what?"
"Gotta go now, night!"
This leaves Byul hanging...what just happened...? Did the girl just hang up, like that? Byul decideds to call first.
"WHAT?" the girl picks up in first ring, immediately.
"Why are you hanging up on me? What happened?"
"I just don't want to hear about that!"
"But you're the one who ask me...Can I not like MAMAMOO?"
"No. You can like them!"
"Then what's wrong?"
"You...you cannot...cannot like Yongsun."
"Why? You like her too? So I cannot like her?"
"Infront of me, you cannot mention her name, or I won't talk to you."
"Wait what?" Byul is in ultimate confusion; "But you're the one talking to me."
"You said I can always talk to you."
"Yes..so how does it relate again?"
"Just..."
"Are...you jealous?" Byul is just feeling double-cheesy on this.
"I go to sleep now. Bye, Byul."
Starting from that day, Byul keeps annoying the girl by sending Solar's picture into their chat. She feel that this will at least distract the girl from feeling breakdown. She can't help, and wish to meet her at least outside for real. Even though they are only talking on phone or chatting, it seems they are committed to each other...just like couple; just none is admitting that.
Then one night, thing is abit different.
The girl doesn't call Byul at all...but she waits for hour and hour. "What if something bad happen to her..." She can't help but feel very anxious. Then she calls again & again, but it's never been answered. She tries calling, and eventually falls asleep.
Her phone rings at around early morning, and fortunately, it wakes her up - the number she most anticipates, but it is not her.
"Hello?"
"Hello? I saw your miss call alot, and decide to call back." This voice somewhat feels so familiar to Byul, but it doesn't matter now.
"You- you...are not the owner of this phone, right?"
"Oh I am her teammate....and well, she's resting in the hospital now." this sentence shakes Byul up from her bed.
"OH MY- Did she try to harm herself? Is she okay?"
"Oh no...nothing of sort. She's just too tired from-" then another voice can be heard, and it relieves Byul alot, then it makes her tear drops; "Is that my phone? Let me talkkk."
"Oh Byul! I am so sorry that-"
"I was worried all night . . . I thought-"
"You're crying?"
"You idiot! I thought I lose you!"
"I am here, don't cry, please."
"What happened to you?"
"It's just...I was too tired from work, and they take me to rest at nearby hospital."
"Where do you stay? I just- nevermind."
"You want to see me?"
"Yes I do . . ."
"Once you do that, you cannot go back and leave me behind. Can you handle me?" the girl chuckles.
"I've talked to you for months...we're no stranger."
"But we never see each other. I am afraid we will ruin this very moment."
"I'm afraid you are the one who cannot handle me."
"I-I..."
"You can't even sleep at night without me."
"I can't deny that....and in fact...I think I-I am ready."
"You're ready to let me know your name at least?"
"We can meet, and I'll tell you my name." the girl chuckles, and coughs in between.
"Take some rest first. Just- when you are all better, we can meet."
"Okay. Be ready for that."
From that morning, the girl is still taking proper rest at hospital from her fatigue and beside talking, they just chat with each others. For some reasons, it seems the girl is very busy preparing for something - so they can't really talk much. As long as she's healthy and ok, Byul is alright about that. She is also looking forward to their actual meet up. That night, the girl calls Byul.
"Hello Byul!"
"Someone is feeling extra giddy today!"
"Yes I am excited to talk to you. I know it's been a while."
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yes I am all better now, just abit tired from work."
"Take some rest, you're working too hard."
"Anyway...I want to tell you about how we meet outside- can it be tomorrow evening?"
"Tomorrow evening?" Byul suddenly remembers the appointment she made with her friends.
"Why?"
"It's just that...nevermind, surely tomorrow evening!"
"What, tell me."
"My friends and I bought the tickets to MAMAMOO concert tomorrow evening-"
"Great! then come to VIP section with your friends too!"
"What? Are you going?"
"Yep! Just come, and send me all the names..."
"...Is that where we meet?"
"Why? I thought they are your favorite." the girl sounds concerned.
"It's just I want...it to be special...a concert is totally the last thing I'd want."
"Just come, and we can always meet after after after and forever! If you can handle-"
"Ugh, stop! ok fine!"
"VIP section okay? send me your names?"
"You work there or what? How could you upgrade them?"
"Too many questions. Come, and we'll meet!"
"How can I find you though? Tell me your name at least?"
"Fate brings us together, and surely you will be able to find me tomorrow."
"What the..."
"and Can you wear pink sweater? So I can find you?."
The next day comes, and Byul is extremely nervous and excited at the same time . . . not because of the concert, but because she will get to meet the girl that she's been talking to for almost 6 months. She can already feel butterflies in her stomach.
She goes to the concert with 2 of her friends from university - also super loyal moos. Upon reaching the concert venue, her name and her friends are really upgraded to VIP section - which is usually for the performers' families; Byul finds out after going inside the hall, and getting her seats. There's only 1 person in the seat section, and Byul finds out that it's MAMAMOO Wheein's mother - so the girl upgrades her pass to VIP in Wheein's family section? Knowing so clear that Byul is stanning Solar, and she still does this. "She must be Wheein's stan...no wonder she was so mad when I told her I stan Solar."
Once the concert starts, Byul starts texting the girl on her whereabout...but she never replies. She doesn't give up though.
[Byul: I am the VIP section now.]
[Byul: Where are you? Are you the girl in pink too?]
[Byul: Are you okay? OMG! Are you sick again?]
Somewhere during a small break, Byul receives a message finally.
[The girl: Enjoy the concert, will you? Patience, miss.]
After receiving the message, it puts Byul at ease - so that she is now finally be able to enjoy the concert. Watching Solar's solo performance makes her smile so much - and somewhat, she feels like Solar's voice is so similar to a voice she encounters several days ago.
[The girl: You smile too much. Your mouth will be torn apart soon.]
[Byul: She's doing the pole dance! OMG! Wait, You see me?]
[The girl: Of course. A pink creature who smiles like crazy. Only show that smile to me!]
Must be from her pink sweater, the girl would already find her by now...but where's the girl?
After Solar's solo performance, then Wheein comes on stage doing her own solo. Hearing Wheein's speech, Byul is intrigued and feel that her voice is very similar to someone she knows...wait, she always listen to MAMAMOO song, but this is the first time, she hears it differently. Without talking much, Wheein starts performing her song 25.
Hearing that song live for the first time, Byul feels the lyric is somewhat sad and sentimental. For some reason, she feels like this song is totally for the girl. It might be able to tell her story, and light up her mood.
[Byul: Listen to this song, 25! I hope it lifts you up!]
The song is so good that it even moves Byul to tear - she keeps thinking about the girl and her depression. The story is so relatable that the girl was doubting her existence and confused about her purpose. Byul remembers their first conversation, the girl couldn't survive another day - but now, she's stronger than ever.
The fan cheers to the song, and cries too - they are moved. Being a loyal moo, she can tell that Wheein is such an introvert person, and for her to show her vulnerability by performing this song - it's touching and inspiring.
The song ends, but Wheein still stands on the stage. The fan, including Byul, pays very close attention as it's silent.
"Thank you for cheering with me in this song." Wheein bows humbly, and continues "For this song, it actually shows a real side of me. For several months ago, I was very confused and lost in myself. There's many times I want to just leave everything behind." She sniffs, "On the last straw...luckily, I was able to find the light of hope. I found a star...I was able to overcome those thoughts, and find reasons to stay...because I have you guys and everyone dearly to me here..and especially her who guided me without caring who I was." she then looks upon Byul's direction
"Thank you for saving my life, Byul."
When their eyes meet, Byul and Wheein's eyes were full of happy tears. Just like that, they finally meet. in the most special way.
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Note:
It's been a while since I write, but this comes up to my mind, and I decide to just...finish in one go! or else, I won't ever update anything. It's just that recently, I always hear this or that about depression - so I think of this and want to show how can a simple act of encouragement or kindness can make a change in someone life. You'd never know what the person has gone through - so be a little nice won't cost a cent.