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Fuck... I totally do, don’t I?
This was the thought that overtook the cacophony in Polnareff’s head as he laid awake staring at the hotel room’s ceiling.
Do have a crush, that was.
He slammed a fist onto the mattress. “God...damnit.” A weighty sigh filled the room.
The clock on the nightstand read 00:49. He really did have to be getting to bed soon, but it seemed like this was going to be one of those nights when the thoughts danced around his head for hours like fucking sugar plum fairies, preventing him from getting any sleep.
Kakyoin had left about an hour prior, and after a shower and a quick brush of the teeth and hair, Polnareff had slipped into bed. The lack of movement had finally given his brain room to generate the wall of static that was his thoughts, whether that was a good or a bad thing.
He thought about all of the things they had discussed, sure, but he couldn’t help his mind from looping back to one moment in their conversation.
“Are you sure you don’t have a crush on me or something?” Polnareff had asked playfully, nudging Kakyoin’s side lightly with his elbow.
Of course, it had completely flustered Kakyoin, turning his skin the same color as his hair, which had just made Polnareff laugh. It was so much fun to tease him; a little bit of revenge, as he considered it, for all of the teasing Kakyoin usually put him through.
But now that he was really thinking about it, why did he ask that question in particular? It had sort of bubbled out of his mouth without much foresight, as many of his thoughts did, but why did this moment keep replaying in the stereo in his brain? He was afraid he’d wear out the tape if he kept rewinding it like this.
He was able to hear another voice in the background, soft but stern and most certainly his own. “You know why.”
And he did, deep down. But he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to admit it to himself.
Of course he’d noticed the shiny red hair, tight fitting uniform, and nervous little smirk of the younger man during their travels. Of course he’d noted the feeling of happiness when they were making jabs at each other. Of course he’d felt a bit more hurt when Kakyoin had decided to withhold the information about Avdol’s recovery from him, moreso than with the others.
But none of that had to mean anything if he didn’t want it to.
Still the memory replayed. “Are you sure you don’t have a crush on me or something?”
But it was Kakyoin’s mouth making the words.
And so he realized that he did, and his fist fell onto the mattress with a thud and a sigh. 00:49.
What the hell was he supposed to do now? He wasn’t exactly the best at hiding his feelings, and on top of that Kakyoin seemed able to read him better than anyone else. And this, of course, wasn’t even to mention how hard it was going to be to get to sleep in this sorry state.
Polnareff laid in bed for what felt like hours, thoughts flying by at the speed of sound. He was happy about Avdol’s return but still nursing the wound of feeling like a burden, though Kakyoin’s conversation had helped immensely. He was a bit grateful that his heart had decided to find another to take in, but there were so many asterisks involved. Who knew if Kakyoin liked men, or if the others would be comfortable travelling with them if they knew? Even if he did, what were the odds that the feelings were reciprocal? Besides, weren’t they fighting battles day in and day out? When would there be time for any of this?
He was getting more and more restless with each passing minute. His leg was bouncing as if it was about to take off running on its own. He checked the clock again; it must’ve been at least another hour.
01:01.
Polnareff was up out of bed before blinking. He had to go somewhere, anywhere. He had to get away from these thoughts, these delusions, before they were the soundtrack to his life. Maybe he’d take a walk around town, he wasn’t sure. He was out the door before his brain had a chance to catch up.
His feet were leading him somewhere and his mind was too preoccupied to notice. Why did he feel like this? He wasn’t supposed to get close to anyone again, he’d promised himself that after Avdol had died. Well, when he’d thought Avdol had died. It had ended in death every single time he’d let himself fall into empathy’s cruel trap.
But maybe Avdol’s return was a sign that he’d been freed from those shackles.
It surprised him to find that he was standing in front of Kakyoin’s room. His train of thought must have dropped him here at some point, but he wasn’t sure when that was. Either way, the tinted wood door felt like the Berlin Wall.
What was he supposed to do? Kakyoin was probably asleep, and he didn’t think it was a very good idea to come to him of all people right now, anyway. Talking to Kakyoin was likely the worst thing he could do at the moment, actually. He sighed again and rested his head on the door.
He nearly fell into Kakyoin when it swung open without warning.
“Wh-” He regained his balance with a few steps forward. When he looked up, he was shocked to find Kakyoin’s nose just a few inches from his own.
He jumped backwards defensively and tried to ignore the way his breath caught in his chest. “W-what the hell, man! Why did you open the door?!”
“I saw you standing there through the peephole! How was I supposed to know that you had just put your massive head on it?” Kakyoin was wearing a similar exasperated expression to his own.
“Well you should’ve checked again before you opened it! And why were you looking into the hallway anyway?!”
“I…” Kakyoin bit his lip. “I don’t know, I had this feeling you might have come by. I heard noise, so I checked it out.”
“Oh.” There was some silence and the shifting of feet. “You can’t sleep either, huh?”
Kakyoin shook his head. After another pause, he cleared the doorway so Polnareff could enter.
He felt his stomach drop as soon as he stepped through the threshold into Kakyoin’s room. What the hell happened to ‘This is the worst thing I could do at the moment?’ Get the hell out of here!
But Kakyoin had closed the door while he was thinking, effectively locking him in via social obligation. He swallowed and hovered awkwardly near the foot of the bed.
Kakyoin followed and sat down with his feet dangling off the side, a safe enough distance away. He wiped his hands on the pants of his striped pajamas—they were the set with the… convenient window in the front of the shirt. Polnareff turned to look at the floor.
“So.” Kakyoin spoke first.
“So.” All of the alarms were still blaring in Polnareff’s brain. How the hell was he going to get out of this one?
“What do we do now?”
“Good question.” Polnareff was still looking at the floor. “We could pick up the conversation where we left off?”
“That’s smart.” Kakyoin’s voice was cleft in two in the middle of the sentence. “...What exactly were we talking about again?”
And so Polnareff searched his brain for their last conversation topic, but there was something pressing hard against his skull, preventing him from thinking of anything else.
Are you-
Thank God I didn’t sabotage Avdol’s return on accident.
-sure you-
It would’ve been my fault. It’s always my fault.
-don’t have-
But Kakyoin said not to think about it like that… and then we started talking about something else.
-a crush-
Weren’t we talking about that night we had to carry Mr. Joestar back from the bar?
-on me-
But that wasn’t the last thing we talked about, right?
-or something?
He screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. Why wouldn’t the thought go away? Now that his mind had apparently found its favorite track, it was going to replay it ad nauseam until the tape disintegrated.
I’ve gotta get out of here. This is just going to get-
“What’s wrong?”
He dared to look at Kakyoin, who was looking right back at him with a spark of concern in his eyes. His shining, soft, honey-tinted eyes.
Polnareff’s mouth tripped over the words. “Ah, i-it’s nothing.” He started towards the exit. “I should really be getting back to bed. It’s late.”
“...Why did you come, then?”
“I don’t know.” The answer came immediately, but he was talking to the door. “...Why were you waiting for me?”
A pause. “I don’t know.”
A chuckle managed to bubble up from Polnareff’s throat. “...I guess we’re in the same boat, then.” He turned around and willed himself to sit down at the edge of the bed.
A small smile slid across Kakyoin’s face. It lingered for a bit longer than expected. “Hey, I remembered the last thing we were talking about.”
“Oh, really?” Polnareff nearly passed out from relief. Things seemed to be back to normal, at least for now. “What was it?”
“You were going to tell me about the kid who kept putting gum in your sister’s hair.”
“Oh my God, that’s right!” At least Kakyoin wasn’t drowning in the stupid thought he was.
He wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.
But it wasn’t time to think about that now. “Okay, so when Sherry was 7 or 8, she started coming home with gum in her hair every day. At first I tried to brush it out, but that made it worse. I made her shower and then tried working it out with a blowdryer, but no. The only solution I found was cutting off the hair with the gum in it.”
Kakyoin waved a hand in protest. “Wait, you really couldn’t think of a better solution than turning your sister’s head into an art project?”
“Have you ever tried getting gum out of 2B hair?”
“...Is that some sort of reference I’m supposed to get?” Kakyoin glanced at him sideways.
“What reference? Oh, the-” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Just believe me on this one, it’s difficult.”
Kakyoin shrugged. “Fine with me.”
“So where was I?” Polnareff retraced his steps in the conversation. “Oh! So I kept asking her what happened and she wouldn't tell me. Finally after prodding for about half an hour she told me that the kid that sat behind her would put it in her hair…”
The story continued in this manner: Polnareff described his antics and his defense of his sister, while Kakyoin interjected to add a snippy comment every so often. It was all so normal for them, a wonderful, friendly normal. Just as normal as the life he was describing once was. He could still feel the salty breeze on his cheek during a walk to school. He could still see their little house with the people he loved inside. He could still hear the tide of the Mediterranean rocking the coast like a cradle. And for just a minute, he felt homesick. But the story soon came to a close, and another pause was waiting on the other side, and it strangled those thoughts as it tended to do.
Polnareff was getting real sick of these deafening silences. Every time there wasn’t noise, his brain started to play that track again. He had to get it out.
He took a look at Kakyoin, and Kakyoin looked right back. There was an unspoken gentleness in the way their eyes locked, in the soft reassurance that came mixed with the tension. It held on to Polnareff’s lungs, but it was only slightly uncomfortable. The beauty was in the way Kakyoin’s jaw clenched in the same manner that his own did.
“You couldn’t sleep, could you?” The words felt bittersweet as they slid over his tongue without forethought.
Kakyoin shook his head.
“Me neither.” He finally looked away to wring his hands in his lap.
Another pause, another need to fill it before that question returned.
“You know, I…” Polnareff’s palms were damp. “I really like talking to you, Kakyoin. I really appreciate your company.”
Kakyoin just nodded. His eyes had glazed over, pointed at the wall.
The silence was growing. Polnareff didn’t know what else to say, and it felt like his feet were stuck to the ground. His brain was rewinding the tape, and its finger was hovering just over the play button.
“Are you sure you don’t have a crush on me or something?”
He was fairly certain he hadn’t hit play yet.
No, the line had come from Kakyoin’s mouth and not his own head. It was dry and colorless, nothing like his usual quips.
The only thing Polnareff could do was retreat into his mind, as his body was frozen.
He said that? He actually said that?
But it’s a joke, right? He wouldn’t actually be asking that.
It didn’t sound much like a joke…
It has to be a joke. It has to be.
But what’s the answer? What’s my answer?
I already know, don’t I? I already know the answer.
Do I have a crush on him? Of course. The answer is-
“Polnareff, I’m sorry, that was a bad jo-”
“Yes.”
They both blinked a few times. The noise had startled Polnareff enough that the thought had slipped out of his mouth like a dirty little secret. And that’s exactly what it was. He buried his face in his hands.
Kakyoin gulped. There was a wave of silence mightier and longer than any that had come before. But after it crashed violently over them both, there was the faint whisper of the undercurrent.
“...What?” Polnareff could barely hear the tide of Kakyoin’s voice over the seabirds swooping to and fro inside his head.
The sea whispered once more, but the gulls were still crying. Polnareff scooted closer, then asked again. “...What?”
“I…” Kakyoin’s voice went out with the tide.
Polnareff came ever closer, now wading in the cool ocean. “...One more time?” His arm resisted the urge to place itself on the small of Kakyoin’s back.
“I do too.”
And there it was: the musical voice of the sea, so quiet and gentle. Although Polnareff’s lungs were filling with salt water, he let himself be washed fully in the gentle satisfaction that those three words had provided.
I do too. Words he thought he’d never hear, much less hear tonight. But there they were, out in the open.
They both paused again, but for the first time that night it wasn’t uncomfortable. There was a tension, sure, but it wasn’t seasickness. It felt more like… anticipation.
His heart was beating out of his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kakyoin tilt his gaze closer. It was like a magnet, and soon Polnareff found himself staring right back. And again, those eyes… he couldn’t look away.
Kakyoin’s voice drifted in his direction. “...So what do we do now?”
Just as quickly as Polnareff’s gaze had been caught by his eyes, he now couldn’t help himself from staring down at Kakyoin’s lips. “W-well, I…”
And Kakyoin immediately understood. His dark eyelashes fluttered shut and his face slid a few inches forward.
His mouth tasted like home.
Polnareff found himself peacefully floating in the slow kiss. Their lips fumbled onto each other, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It was sweet and clumsy and perfectly imperfect. They stayed near the shore, and that was okay. Just the feeling of Kakyoin’s mouth was enough. Polnareff let the current carry his troubles away so he could focus on this moment forever. He recorded over the question that had been bouncing around his mind with this new memory. This was one he was okay with being played again and again. He never wanted to lose it.
Their lips parted and Polnareff opened his eyes. A smile danced across Kakyoin’s face, even though his cheeks were bright red. It felt just as nice as the kiss itself.
“That was…” Kakyoin paused to collect the words. “I… liked that. That was what you wanted, right?”
Polnareff nodded with a chuckle. “Yes. Yes, that was what I wanted. I hope it was what you wanted, too.”
“It was.” But then Kakyoin bit his lip. “I-I mean, yes, but…”
“But what?” Polnareff felt a bit of a lump growing in his throat. Had he misinterpreted this entire thing?
“But…” Kakyoin squirmed slightly. “I mean… What do we do? We can’t tell anyone, wouldn’t they think poorly of us? And where do we go from here? I’m just-”
“You know what I think?” Polnareff stole a glance at the clock on the bedside table. 01:37. “I think those sound like tomorrow’s problems.”
Kakyoin followed his line of sight to the clock. “I…” He sighed. “You’re right.”
“I know.” Polnareff stood up, working against the current trying to press him to Kakyoin. “We can talk about this… later.”
Kakyoin nodded with an uneasy smile. “Alright. But you have to promise me we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
“You’ve got a deal.” His hand was on the doorknob. “But you’ll have to remind me, I’ll probably forget.”
“Really?” There was a hint of worry in Kakyoin’s voice.
“Of course not.” Polnareff stepped out into the hallway. “Goodnight, Kakyoin.”
And with a final wink, he pulled the door closed.