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Remus’ eyes shoot open to the refuge of his dimly-lit cluttered bedroom. He found himself already sitting up, his body eager to escape the bed. By now he has the aftercare routine perfected. Simple instructions swirl around his muddled mind and guided his body as if autonomous from his head. Stand up quickly, grab the emergency spliff, get to the balcony.
He stops to grab Sirius’s grey hoodie off the back of the futon. It’s fucking freezing for July and he probably won’t be home anytime soon.
The crisp night air and hum of city noise lap at Remus as he leans his back against the bony railing, facing the warm glow of the apartment rather than the packed streets below. He smokes the joint thoughtfully, mulling on each inhale. Each muscle in his face slowly let go of their tension until a hazy smile spreads across his face. He knows he is safe and now his minds believes it too. The “what if”s finally leave him alone and he starts to think maybe nightmares aren’t so scary after all. They’re just as make-believe as the rest of problems his brain gives him.
Just as his eyes begin to droop, stomps ring out through the stairwell and the handle turns. Sirius stumbles into the apartment, alone thankfully, and promptly spews in the kitchen sink.
“You alright pads?” Remus calls through the open door and across the living room.
Sirius spins his head around accusingly, not expecting his roommate to be awake. He wipes his mouth and takes the last beer out the fridge.
“Never better. How come you’re up?” He croaks before his first sip.
“I was lost in that Oscar Wilde book I’m reading” Remus lies as Sirius steps outside and plonks himself down.
Remus’s hand moves the joint a little too slowly, caught by Sirius’ gaze.
“I thought we were out of grass”, he said while frowning childishly.
Remus shifts guiltily.
“I keep a couple spares”, Remus manages, not wanting to expand. Sirius builds a twinge of jealous anger as Remus found the rest of his words.
“I’m having nightmares again”. He inhales the last and stubs it out on the ground, not sorry about not giving any to Sirius.
“Oh, I- I didn’t meant to pry” Sirius slurs once his brain catches up, pinching himself for not reading the mood better.
The silence swells between them like a balloon until Sirius pops it with a gleeful show of what was in his jacket pocket.
“No worries anyway, I got an eighth while I was out”.
Remus’ body floods with relief followed by suspicion. “How did you afford that? Shouldn’t you have bought groceries first?”
“I didn’t pay with money” Sirius boasts, trying to cover his shame with pride.
“Not Maddy”, Remus groans, happy to have weed but shuddering about how Sirius got it.
Sirius rolled in silence and met Remus’ buzz after a few drags, already being healthily fucked up from the alcohol, and passes the spliff over.
“She’s really not that bad”, he tries to convince both Remus and himself. “If a half hour of freaky sex saves me a few quid it’s really not a big deal. Parts of it were fun”.
Remus laughs and the smoke pours out of his mouth. “Freaky?”, he didn’t realise he said out loud.
Sirius hesitates, and takes his scarf off to give his flatmate proof. The moonlight shines nicely on his pale skin, revealing four fingerprint shaped bruises on the side facing Remus. Upon seeing the marks he gasps and tries not to eye them too hungrily. Sirius chuckles as he feels the gaze, feeling the need to clarify.
“She was doing it all wrong”.
Remus zones back in after Sirius spoke. “Hmm?” he murmurs, not trusting himself to be able to speak.
“Well, usually I’m the one doing the choking and there’s more of a technique to it”.
Remus’ breath hitches and he tries to decide if this is where he wants to steer the conversation. He could really use a distraction, and Sirius looks so beautiful sitting there happily glazed over, volunteering dirty details of his escapades.
“Isn’t there kind of only one way to do it?” Remus asks, praying for a demonstration.
Sirius grins, thinking back to their boarding school days of mutual wanks and spin the bottle and wonders if they’ll stop lying to each other about how badly they both want it tonight. Sirius, feeling bold, motions for Remus’ throat, and, like an obedient puppy, the light-haired man shuffles closer and leans forwards.
Sirius gently presses the webbing in between his first finger and thumb against Remus’ windpipe. It was a small amount of pressure but Remus could feel his heart quickening at the soft restriction. Their eyes meet across the air thick with unknown excitement.
Sirius remembers the guise of this exercise and begins to explain. “The pressure should really come from the front here instead of the sides like how Maddy did. Otherwise it’s a lot of unnecessary force and it makes you want to cough”. Remus shyly looks away and Sirius immediately retracts his hand, terrified that he might have crossed a boundary. Remus finishes the second joint and eyes his roommate warily, trying to make a decision.
Still sitting incredibly close, Remus places his hand on Sirius’ knee, making his lips twitch into a smile.
“So, Remus says breathily, it’s less of a squeezing action…”. His hand cautiously snakes around Sirius’ pale neck as his green eyes search grey for permission. Sirius’ slight nod is delayed but intentional. Remus begins to softly push against the front of Sirius’s neck and feels the other man swallow pointedly. Both men breathing heavier than usual, Remus seeks approval for his newly learned skill.
“Like that?”, he asks, wide-eyed and beckoning. Sirius swallows for a second time and leans in so slightly that anyone else might’ve missed it. Remus’ heart is thundering as he reciprocates, and the space between them becomes extinct. They can each feel each other’s breath on their lips as Remus guides his friend’s head closer, meeting in a kiss as they had done twice before. On this occasion there was no party game or thinly veiled excuse for the first time. Sirius’ hand cups Remus’ face gingerly and Remus pulls away after a languid tonguing.
“Should we go to your room?” He asks as innocently as the last question. Sirius nods his marked neck and they both rise to go inside.