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Lin was sitting on the edge of the couch, trying to breathe in a way that didn’t hurt. Small breaths. The ones where you tried to move as little as possible, but then didn’t breathe enough, and so had to take a bigger one just for it to hurt even worse.
Kya had been watching her for the ten minutes she’d been home. Lin had instantly sat down on the couch and rested her forearms on her legs, eyes closed like she did when she got dizzy , hunched over, her back heaving irregularly from the strained breathing. Lin hadn’t answered her questions after coming home, which meant it was bad. No injuries on her face, or forearms. That was all Kya could see. Lin had a large sweater on, the metal uniform was at the station for cleaning and un-denting, as Lin called it.
“Lin?” she asked softly.
She didn’t move her head, trembling.
“Lin?”
She winced again, before she murmured, "Make it go away.“
The way she’d said it reminded Kya of her nieces and nephews after falling and scraping a knee, when they’d ask her for a ‘hero-healing’. Lin sounded like a hurt child and it broke Kya’s heart.
“Can you make it to the bathroom?”
“Yes,” she choked out, gathering her composure. She wiggled her toes to check if the position had caused them to fall asleep. Then she tried to sit upright. On the right side a rib stung, her stomach felt like it had been lit on fire and she had to slouch back down.
“It hurts,” she justified, feeling the need to convey why she couldn’t move as fast– as though Kya would mind, as though Kya would care if she waited a little longer.
If you can talk, you can walk, her mother’s words rung through Lin’s head. Lin knew it had always been an attempt to get her in a better mood, but sometimes the body just hurt.
“Take your time,” Kya said, before heading to the kitchen. Maybe assessing the injuries would work there on the couch. She needed a bowl of water.
Lin tried sitting up again, this time making it halfway there. She found it was easier when she pushed with her arms instead of pulling with her back.
Was she hurt there, too? She couldn’t tell. Pain was registered but at this point she didn’t know where it was coming from.
When had that stopped? She couldn’t tell either. All she could tell was that at least now, Kya was here with her. A screeching sound made its way towards her. She tried raising her head to find its source, but her neck sent a stinging, mind-numbing pain down her back, from where she could feel it shooting through her legs. She was paralyzed, white blotches filling her vision. Shit. She broke out in a cold sweat instantly, the adrenalin doing its job. What if it’s a serious spine injury? Did I make it worse, sitting like this? What if I can’t walk? What if I can’t-
“Kya,” she choked out, panic making its way through her whole body until she could feel it tingling in her fingers.
“I’m here,” Kya replied, kneeling on the floor in front of Lin, ignoring how the tension built in her own knees at the awkward position, “I’m here, what’s wrong?”
“Spine,” she said, knowing Kya could most likely see the terror on her face – she wasn’t sure, her vision was too blurry.
“I’ll check, don’t worry.”
Kya did check. She always held what she promised.
She drew water from the bowl she’d brought, sitting down next to Lin, finally being given the chance to help, to assess, to find out, what exactly was wrong this time. She had to know. Not knowing made her scared, made her lose sleep, made her eat less.
She always feared missing something. She lifted the sweater putting her hand underneath, testing for any superficial injuries, ghosting her hand over the muscled back, all the way up to her shoulders, but when she pulled her hand back to look at it, relief flooded over her. There was no blood, just sweat. Lin’s body was incredibly warm, likely trying to speed along the process of healing.
“I’ll use the water now, it’s going to be cold,” she said, while commanding the element to wrap around her right hand, the left still holding up the sweater. Of course, they both knew it would be cold, but Kya always talked her through moments like these Lin dealt better when she knew exactly what was about to happen – it scared her less. Kya set down a single finger, to show Lin just how cold it would be.
She is so gentle, Lin noticed for the hundredth time, before a cold finger was placed on her lower back, then two, then three, then the whole hand, making her muscles contract. The muscles that mere hours ago had functioned like a well-oiled machine, carrying her across the city and spitting out the earthbending forms ingrained in their fibers. Now, they contracted like then, trying to provide warmth, but it didn’t help in the slightest. A pained grunt left her mouth, the feeling becoming nearly overwhelming. “Cold,” she justified again.
Not as cold as the Southpole, Toph would say and tell her about that time Katara had dragged her to meet her people down there. The words and stories had been supposed to distract her, to show that Toph could relate, that she could understand, how cold it felt – she knew that now – but Lin hadn’t needed that. She’d needed a hug, or a kiss on the head. She hadn’t known that back then, though, only that something was distinctly missing and her mother was telling her not to complain.
Kya’s brows furrowed in compassion as she felt her love’s body tremble underneath her fingertips. She was glad Lin couldn’t see it. She didn’t want Lin thinking she had to suppress her pain to make Kya feel better. She’d done that in the beginning of their relationship, on nights like this one, even on nights where injuries had been objectively worse – there was fairly little damage this time. Now, sometimes Lin just let it hurt.
“I can’t feel any spinal injuries,” Kya said, trying to work quickly. She could feel Lin’s shoulders unstiffen at the statement. Kya also knew this meant the panic would fade out soon, until it wouldn’t be there to numb the pain Lin was in, allowing Lin to focus on exactly that.
“Can you make it to the bathroom?” Kya asked again, knowing the bowl she brought would only be half as efficient.
Again, Lin replied, “Yes.”
Kya got incredibly impatient, wanting to minimize the time Lin spent in pain, but there was no way this could go any faster and so she made herself wait. Lin needed time and Kya realized how grateful she should be that Lin was at a point in her life where she accepted it. But it was hard to wait for Lin. Kya hadn’t even been able to assess all the damage yet and her worry increased by the minute.
Lin felt that sting down her back again, when she sat upright – this time she made it all the way – and she pushed the thoughts, that came with it, to the far back of her head. What if? was replaced by, Kya said no. Because what-ifs were in the future, but Kya was here and Kya knew what she was talking about. She was the best after all.
Lin was leaning heavily against Kya’s side as they moved up but had only winced when Kya had tried wrapping a supporting arm around her waist. It was too much – all of it.
“This isn’t working,” Kya sighed. It suddenly felt like Lin was much taller than her and the pain she felt was an added weight to both of them. She tried not to think of all the ways Lin not being able to walk to the tub would complicate things, how Kya would have to come up with solutions she was too tired to think of at the moment.
“Try this,” she supplied, moving to stand in front of Lin, back turned to her love, all the while making sure she could still be used as a living crutch. Lin wrapped her hands around Kya’s shoulders and rested her head on Kya’s back, gathering more strength – even more – for when they were going to move again.
“Kya,” she said, desperation and pain as audible as ever, “It hurts.”
“I know, just breathe. We’re almost there,” Kya answered, swallowing the knot in her throat. She knew she had to push her now, had to make her fight when all Lin wanted to do was sink to the floor and surrender. She took the next step, encouraging, “Come on.”
I can’t, Lin wanted to say, body screaming at her ‘one more step and you will snap in half’ but Kya was trying – so hard and just for her – so she could, too.
If I can talk, I can walk, she found herself repeating her mother’s words.
It wasn’t walking.
It was Kya leaning forward, gripping Lin’s weak hands on her shoulders and carefully dragging her towards the bathroom, Lin almost like a deadweight – Kya didn’t want to think in those words and terms, her imagination and experience too real for them not to scare her. So, she focused on Lin clinging onto her and taking sluggish steps. Left leg, right leg, pause, left leg, groan, right leg, pause – repeat. Kya started doing math exercises in her head to distract herself from Lin’s strained breathing, because Kya didn’t have the luxury of letting her fear take a hold of her. Not when they were only a few steps away now.
Lin couldn’t tell how long it had taken them to get to the bath, but it felt as though she had crossed half of Republic City. Now she was inside the tub and the water was cold. So was her body.
She was shivering in the water and she felt exposed – even in front of Kya. Naked. Vulnerable. The need to cover herself, to crawl into a corner and hide came over her. Some animalistic instinct, left in her DNA and she hated it. She didn’t get like this with Kya; Kya who had seen her vulnerable in all of its many forms. So why was Lin now fighting the urge to hide from her?
The water reached to her ears. Whenever a muscle contraction brought on by her body’s need to counter a sting, ran through her, the water would slosh against her ears. She didn’t have the strength to lift her chin up far enough for it not to.
It took a long while. Not a lot of different injuries, but deep ones. Much harder to heal, even for her talented waterbender. Lin felt safe with her and yet, sometimes, when the glow made its way up Lin’s chest, she got scared it would wrap around her throat and squeeze until her breath stopped – as though it would work on its own accord, not listen to Kya’s commands anymore. Lin had a talent for thinking of the worst possible scenarios. At her job it made her safe and well-prepared, but here, in the tub, it made her scared – so incredibly scared and hiding that, too, took energy she didn’t have.
Kya watched Lin’s face as intently as she could manage while also taking care of her body. It made her nauseous to see Lin’s bruises, it always did, so she tried to look at them as little as possible. Her eyes were shut and the grimace on her face would bring on or intensify a headache that Kya would take care of when time saw fit.
The thought that she wouldn’t be able to alleviate all of Lin’s pain by the end of this made her want to stop the session altogether, but the first one was important and decided how little energy she’d have to invest in the upcoming ones. Lin would be in pain for the next days and it would be exhausting. It had to be accepted; Kya didn’t want to.
“You’re doing so well. I’m almost done,” she lied, knowing Lin wouldn’t be able to tell five minutes from an hour, but hoping it would bring some comfort. This was going to take longer. The only thing spurring her on was the way Lin’s face relaxed every once in a while. It was working. This was good. This was working.
“Where does it hurt?” she asked, trying to keep Lin engaged, and herself calm. Kya was so angry. Not with Lin, but with whomever could hurt her. She never had managed to disconnect from the cases as much as other healers had. And well, this was Lin, her Lin.
Where does it hurt? Lin repeated the question in her head. Her feet hurt from walking around on metal soles all day, her shins hurt from bumping against that stupid desk while doing paperwork – she had to find a new one, but who had time for that? – her calves hurt from the run she had gone on this morning, her knees – like most joints – hurt, because she was older now, her thighs hurt from training with the new class of metalbenders, her backside, too, her stomach hurt from where the heavy blows had landed, her lower back hurt from being slammed into a car – or was it a wall this time? –, her arms and shoulders hurt from swinging and using those cables, her neck hurt from carrying the uniform. The scars on her cheek seemed to burn – those old nasty things still hurt sometimes – as though having them marking her wasn’t enough, as though they needed more attention. Her head hurt, because it usually did after a long day and so did her hip – the bad one, and after feeling for more, she found, also her better side hurt.
She felt so weak then, like she had broken her body.
Maybe she had.
For the first time in the longest while, she felt regret. She wondered if her body hated her for the way she’d overstrained it all her life. How she’d made herself ‘train just a little harder and you’ll be better’, ‘run faster’, ‘run longer’, ‘lift that weight one more time’, ‘only one more’, ‘make sure to stretch after exercise and a little before and in the morning’. Now she wondered if she should have simply given up. For a second, she imagined a life where she had. Where she was the girl that gave up and she found in that life she was free of pain. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at that revelation.
“Lin? Can you tell me where it hurts most?” Kya asked again, thinking the earthbender hadn’t heard her.
“Everywhere,” Lin answered and Kya could see the tears spilling from her eyes pressed shut, “Everywhere. Hurts.” There was so much betrayal in Lin’s voice and there was that child she had looked at earlier. Kya felt the overwhelming need to pick her up and rock her in her arms until everything stopped hurting and she was okay – Kya had done that with Rohan, just a few days ago, when he had bumped his head. She couldn’t do that now even though Lin looked so small in that tub. She could only move her arms from left to right and left again, extending yet more of her own qi to light up the water and transfer it to Lin.
Everywhere.
Kya didn’t comment further and instead focused where it looked worst. The abdomen had two prominent dark blotches where some kind of object had to have been flung at her. The blue marks hadn’t formed yet, but the skin was swollen and blood had obviously collected underneath the surface.
“Oh, Lin,” she sighed, concerned.
She noticed how a healer had worked on the ribs already, though she could sense one of them being out of place. A sloppy job. She couldn’t blame them. She had done her fair share of first-aid healing and it just happened that some injuries were left untended to or overlooked. She would take care of that later. Her arms got heavy quickly, but she pushed through, resting them on her sides every now and again. She would be sore the next day and already worried about how it would affect her ability to help Lin get dressed for the day – because she would need it. She got more tired just thinking about it. They were too old for this.
A while later, when Lin had stopped silently crying and Kya felt herself getting exhausted, they stopped. The worst had been healed; the rest would need further sessions. Lin got up and to Kya’s delight, was moving in more fluid motions again, standing and walking – limping out of the tub – on her own.
Kya took a towel to dry her body before bending off the rest of the water, rubbing a cream on the abdomen and her right side. “Turn around for me,” she muttered, so she could apply it to Lin’s back, too.
When she felt at Lin’s ribs, she noticed her wince. She had almost forgotten about that one. She repressed a frustrated groan, knowing Lin would take it the wrong way.
The rib was still misplaced. “Lin, I can take care of it now, or tomorrow.”
“Will it hurt?” Please, say ‘no’.
“Yes.”
“Would it be better to do it now?” Please, say ‘tomorrow’.
“Yes.”
Silence. Of course now would be better, Lin thought in defeat, ready to start crying again.
“Lin?”
“Do it now,” she sighed, trying to trust that the now dulled pain would make the experience bearable. She knew what it would feel like and knowing somehow made it worse in this case. It would hurt but then she would be able to breathe.
“Cross your arms over your chest,” Kya instructed, softly guiding Lin’s hands from behind, making sure they were in the right position, folded over the earthbender’s chest. “Remember, you have to relax, or I can’t compete with the strength of your muscles and it will hurt for longer.”
Lin nodded, blinking a few times to get a clear view. She needed to focus on some point ahead. She found the tube of the cream still resting on a shelf in front of her.
Kya pressed a kiss on Lin’s shoulder, “Take a deep breath in.”
Lin pulled in all the air she could muster in the still-compromised position and felt one of Kya’s hands move to the side of her spine, the knuckles of her fingers finding their position.
“And a looooong and deeeep breath out,” she murmured. When she felt Lin’s torso shrink in her grasp, she twisted and pulled abruptly – like she had learnt to do.
Lin let out a sharp scream. It made Kya want to drop her and plug her ears. Kya already knew, she would be dreaming about that scream.
It still hurt.
There had been no crack.
“I’m sorry, it hurt so much all of a sudden. I shouldn’t have tensed up, I’m sorry,” Lin apologized instantly, choking back a sob, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Kya said, though she was the one breaking a sweat now, knowing how both of them desperately needed to sleep. This had been dragging on for far too long.
“We’ll try again, just relax.”
Lin nodded, Kya placed her kiss and they tried again, position the hand, breath in, breath out, twist and pull – successfully this time.
There was a last sharp twitch throughout Lin’s entire body, her ears rang, and then it felt like she could breathe again, so she did. She carefully took three deep breaths, almost revitalized by the regained range of motion. Kya hadn’t let go of her yet and Lin wondered if she could fall asleep standing.
“Thank you,” she said, but the high was short-lived as all the other places filled of pain came flooding back. Not dull enough and at this point she couldn’t understand how she had managed to stay conscious. Kya let Lin’s arms unwrap, planting kisses on both her shoulders.
“Let’s go to bed,” she murmured against her skin.
Lin made the first step and Kya led her all the way over to her side of the bed.
Kya put Lin’s pajama pants on, before motioning for her to sit down on the edge. “Your skin will have to absorb the cream a little, before we can put on the top,” she explained, while putting on her own sleepwear.
Lin didn’t answer, she just watched as Kya changed. She looked tired. She was tired, just like Lin. Lin wondered if her day had been tough. She had been helping out at the refugee camps and Lin knew just how much Kya struggled when she had to heal kids – and there were a lot of kids. Yet, there she was, wordlessly taking care of her. Lin felt a surge of guilt.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, but Kya didn’t hear her. She wanted to cry again and the guilt was now accompanied by feeling pathetic and then angry for feeling it at all, knowing she was allowed to hurt, but at that moment not being strong enough to convince herself to believe it, too. Kya yawned, making Lin yawn as well, before she could do anything about it. The stretch of her face made her scars flare up in a heartbeat and she brought her hand to the cheek in question.
“Do they hurt?” Kya spoke softly, picking up Lin’s neatly folded top from its place on the windowsill and walking over to her.
“Yes. Everything hurts,” she admitted. Saying it out loud hurt her soul – another thing to add onto the long list of things that hurt. She raised her arms best she could and let Kya pull the white top over her body. She’s so gentle. I love her so much.
Kya could see new tears forming in Lin’s already reddened eyes, but after she had looked at her for a while, they didn’t roll down her cheeks.
There was no way they would discuss what exactly it was that made Lin this emotional, and at this point in time Kya didn’t have the energy to pry it out of her. Most of the time when Lin shared stories from her work, on nights like these, Kya was easily plagued by nightmares for the next nights. Kya decided to slip under the covers. Lin still sat there, much like she had on the couch – hunched over, forearms resting on her thighs. She was going to undo a lot of work like that; hard work of all things.
“Lin?”
Lin turned around to her.
“Are you alright?”
This time her lip started quivering, but she didn’t answer. No words were needed. Of course she wasn’t alright.
“Do you want me to hold you?”
That did the trick. At the thought of it and how badly she needed it, Lin started crying and quickly buried her face in her hands, turning away again. Feeling ashamed – so ashamed. Then angry again, because it was just Kya.
“Come here,” Kya beckoned – pleading to just follow her order – stretching out her tired arms for the last time that night.
Lin hesitantly crawled over to her as best as she could. After a little bit of pushing and pulling, Kya had placed Lin’s body next to her own, a little lower. The earthbender nuzzled into Kya’s chest, while the latter wrapped both her arms around her.
“Is this okay?” Kya asked.
She’s so patient. Kya’s arm pressed on one of the more painful spots, but Lin couldn’t leave now, she didn’t want to leave her warmth and it would hurt either way so she might as well stay in this position. She wondered if it would be better or worse in the morning. Probably worse – because the day after was always worse. She was already dreading it.
“Everything hurts, Kya,” she cried, “Everything always hurts.”
“I know,” she murmured, planting a kiss on the top of her head, “I know, Baby.” The word that had been on the tip of her tongue for the entire evening finally slipped. Lin wouldn’t care.
Everything hurts. It was all Lin’s thoughts could come up with.
“Why?” Lin asked, voice full of betrayal and frustration. She knew why, she had thought about it in the tub – it was her fault, chasing dreams she now had trouble understanding – but maybe Kya had a different answer; one that would make it all worth it.
She didn’t have one.
“It’s alright,” Kya murmured, drawing soothing motions with her hand against Lin’s back, “I’m here.”
Lin tried to breathe in Kya’s scent, but found that her nose was too clogged up from crying. She was exhausted. Why couldn’t her body give her a break? Just one day, maybe two. That’s all she needed. She wanted to know what it was like.
Could she even remember what ‘painless’ felt like? Something had always been hurting since she had joined the academy, decades ago (decades!). This had become a new normal, but the older she got, the longer it took to recover, the more painful it all seemed. Some injuries just didn’t leave, she had learnt.
“I’m so sorry,” Lin sniffed against Kya’s chest, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.”
Lin wanted to tell her how much she loved her, wanted to tell her she shouldn’t always be the one taking care of Lin, looking after her wounds, healing her. Lin wanted to ask her if she was doing alright, if she needed to be held, but there was no energy left. She knew her crying made it worse, but she couldn’t stop. “It hurts, Kya.”
“You’re going to have to stay home for the next three days and then we can see how you’re holding up. How about that?” she whispered in return, successfully stopping the sobs, coming from below. There was a long silence.
Lin didn’t want to face the precinct, the paperwork, the officers, the people constantly needing something from her, that stupid, stupid phone that always kept ringing, no matter how often she answered a call. Lin wanted to stay there, in bed where everything hurt, but it hurt less, because there she was with Kya. She needed a break and Kya said she deserved one. Kya was right, she always was.
“I’m sorry,” Lin cried against her soft skin.
Kya tried hard not to cry herself.
“Try to sleep.” It felt like advice the both of them should take.
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In the middle of the night, Kya woke up, because her hand was tingling. Lin still lay pressed against her. Their legs were intertwined. She was sleeping soundly, besides the occasional stirring motion. Kya pressed a hand against her forehead where she was met with a normal temperature. She bent a small amount of water from the glass on the nightstand towards her own mouth, realizing how thirsty she was, before bending more of it around two of her fingers. She held them against Lin’s lips, but the earthbender only furrowed her brows. She thought about whether she should wake her to drink something but decided that sleep was more of a priority right now and instead drank it herself, before checking Lin’s pulse.
A little faster than normal, but still fine.
She planted a kiss on her forehead and untangled her arm to rest it somewhere else, before letting a long-held sigh escape her mouth, blowing against Lin’s hair.
I’ll be taking the next days off, too. The clinic and the camp will have to deal without me.
“This was exhausting,” she said to herself, before caressing the other woman’s head once. Her face was at peace now and the image of a sleeping child returned to Kya’s mind for the last time. She felt transported back to that one time, where she had baby-sat for Toph and Lin had slept on the couch.
It was the exact same face, just now with a lot more lines and grey hair to accompany them. She had looked at her differently then.
She’s fine. We’re fine.
She caressed her cheek softly and Lin scooted even closer. Kya was glad she was sleeping so soundly and after listening to her now-regular breathing for a while, she quickly drifted back off to much needed sleep.