Work Text:
Spencer Reid fucking hated change. He hated change because it always seemed to happen when people leave. When people leave him - because of him.
It was cold when Spencer laid awake at an ungodly time of the night. 3 A.M. if he bothered to look at his clock. If he bothered to even move. His eyes, red and puffy, bore holes in the ceiling as he contemplated what exactly about him makes people leave.
With his father, the answer was simple. He was a difficult child. Far too smart for his own good. Far too much for William Reid to handle.
Spencer was sure Elle left because he didn’t do enough. He wasn’t there enough. He saw the signs, but he didn’t do anything. When his father left, he knew there was little he could have done to make him stay but with Elle? He could’ve prevented that.
Gideon’s departure hurt the most. He was everything his real father wasn’t. He raised Spencer in more ways than just training him to be the next hotshot of the BAU - he was sure that Gideon taught him more than anyone in his life. All of that made it more painful when he left. At least Gideon left a letter. He didn’t get that when the other two left.
Emily’s death was fresh in Spencer’s mind; he’d helped bury her not even a week ago. It also happened to be the reason he was awake, lamenting his failures as a human being. Spencer cursed his brain, his eidetic memory, that prevented him from forgetting. He hated how he couldn’t just force Emily’s death into a box that could be shoved into the back of his head and act like he was okay. Like he hadn’t just lost one of his closest friends again. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. Spencer could still remember the moment he found out. The stench of hospital disinfectant, the bright artificial lights, the squeak of his shoes against the linoleum as he paced up and down the waiting room - all of it was still so painfully clear. And then he heard it. The seven words that made his world shatter around him. “She never made it off the table.” Those words would haunt him forever.
When other people in his life had left, there was still a chance, a tiny chance created by the last piece of naïve hope Spencer had, that they’d come back but Emily was gone forever. Nothing would bring her back.
Everything would have to change now that Emily was gone. And Spencer Reid fucking hates change.