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“Just... don’t fall in love with someone else, okay?”
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There is that moment just as your brain begins to wake up that can be truly intoxicating. Where the lines between conscious and subconscious are blurry. Where you don’t know if you’re still in a dream fantasy or if the tendrils of sleep are slowly escaping you. Where all you want is to wrap your arms tighter around the warm body beside you.
This usually intoxicating feeling has slowly seeped into dread for Maya recently, like the tick, tick, tick of a count down. All she wants to do right now is to stay close the warm body beside her and leave her arms wrapped around the most precious thing in her life. But the thoughts in her head feel like they are about to burst out of her and the last thing Maya wants is to pour that fear and negativity into Carina’s orbit.
She slowly slips her left arm from around Carina’s waist and pauses for a moment. They have become so entwined with each other that there have been times when Carina will instantly stir at Maya’s absence - like she does now. Maya waits in bated breath for Carina to still. Easing herself up to sit at the edge of her bed.
As if connected by an invisible string, Carina turns around and reaches for Maya. A small, albeit adorable, crinkle appears in-between her eyebrows as her unconscious mind reaches for the other have of her heart.
Even though every nerve in Maya’s body is on edge, she can’t help but smile softly. She gently reaches out and smooths out said adorable crinkle and places the softest of kisses to Carina’s forehead. She can see Carina’s body visibly relax as she wraps her arms around Maya’s still warm pillow. Only then does Maya turn around and burry her head in her hands. All traces of that soft smile has diminished.
She looks around the room, their room, and sees the suitcases. One filled to the brim and the the other lays open as a pile of clothes just needing to be organized sit silently. Mockingly.
She has one more week with Carina before the brunette has to fly back to her home country. Visa issues aside, Maya knows Carina is eager to go and help out her fellow countrymen. She knows Carina desperately wants to spread Andrew ashes in a place that holds so much for the siblings. And she wants Carina to do all those things. She knows Carina’s grief is still present and her guilt not only extends to her brother but to the need to help her family back home. But Maya is only human. And Maya needs Carina too.
She’ll never say it out loud though. Not in so many words. She doesn’t want to add any more pressure to Carina’s shoulders. So, she keeps quiet and shows her support in any way she can. And she’s thankful that she’s off for the next three days. With Carina’s resignation from Grey Slone, and Andy taking over captain duties for a few days, the couple can spend as much time together before D-day.
But Maya can feel her fear in the erratic beat of her heart. She doesn’t want to wake Carina up, so she quietly leaves the room and sits on the couch. It’s dark in the living room, the 2:37 am on the clock seems to scream back at her, but she can’t go back to sleep and she can’t seems to quiet her mind either.
She’s come a long way from the person she used to be. The person that refused to commit to something so permanent as the idea of monogamy. The person that sabotaged anything good in her life. Or the person that hurt the one person that was good and brave enough to single-handedly tear her walls down leaving her raw and exposed and vulnerable. She never wants to go back to the pre-Carina Maya. But she doesn’t know how to rid herself of the fear that –
“Maya?”
It’s only that particular angelic voice that could pull her back from a downward spiral.
“Bambina? Are you okay?” Carina slowly walks towards Maya and notices that the blonde is not really present in the moment.
Sweet, beautiful Carina. Maya looks at her and sees the sleep tousled hair, the strap of her tank top that has slid down her shoulder, and the cute sleep shorts the brunette stole, and she can’t help but smile. Maya can’t help but see forever in those deep brown eyes. Even when the only light in the room comes from the moon through the window.
“I’m sorry… did I wake you?” Carina is sitting beside her now, facing Maya, as close as she can get.
Maya loves sleepy Carina for a slew of reasons. The main reason being that Carina becomes clingy and cuddly, Maya would verbally deny that fact in a second, but her body says otherwise. Her body and her heart just cling and cuddle right back.
“No, bambina. I just woke up and you weren’t in bed. Are you okay?” Carina asks as she plays with the hair at the back of Maya’s neck – the touch instantly stopping Maya’s thoughts from spinning out of control.
“Yes, I’m sorry… let’s go back to bed.” Maya doesn’t want to talk. Not now. Not when the late hour can mean a loose tongue and high probability of voicing the negative thoughts occupying her mind.
“Maya… what’s wrong?” Maya should have known. There was no way Carina was going to let this go. “I’m okay. I just couldn’t sleep,” she kisses Carina’s forehead, “let’s go back into bed. Maybe all I need is to cuddle.” She tries to joke.
Carina tucks a loose piece of blonde hear behind a cute little ear, “please don’t lie to me” she whispers. Maya let’s out a deep breath and closes her eyes. She’s not that person anymore, the one that buries her feelings, at least she’s not that person with Carina anymore.
“I really couldn’t sleep… my mind is just working on overdrive right now.” She cryptically whispers out. A smile appearing on her face when Carina kisses her cheek. “What are you thinking so hard about?”
“You. Us. That it’s almost time for you to go.” Mays says this so softly, such a stark contrast to the fierce fire captain of Station 19.
“I’m coming back, bambina. I’m coming home to you.” Home. Maya can’t help but smile despite the tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes.
“I know. Logically I know this. But my mind… we’ll it’s being a little bitch.” There it is. There is that laugh that Maya loves so much.
She takes a deep breath, she promised Carina a long time ago that she will be honest and open with her, and Maya would never break a promise with Carina ever again. “I never thought I would want this. Want what we have. I never really cared for it. Even when we were just starting, I just wanting something fun. But then you were… you. And I fell so deeply in love with you that I finally understood. I finally get what the hype was about. I get what it is like to have someone to come home to… someone to give your heart to.”
She feels Carina wipe a treacherous tear that escapes her eye. She can’t look at Carina yet, but she can feel the brunette move closer to her – as if that was even possible. “Everything good I had in my life I managed to ruin. I loved running. I loved the freedom and high it gave me. And then I put its significance in my dad’s hands, and he fucked it all up for me. It has never felt the same since. When I won the gold, I finally had that feeling back. When my brother OD’d, and I injured myself, I lost that love I had for it. And then I met you,” she finally looks at Carina now. It’s amazing how she can see those brown eyes shine, even in the moonlight. “And I messed up. So, so badly.
And now we’re here. We’re so good. What we have is so incredible. But I’m scared something is going to happen and I’m going to lose that too. Lose you too.” Maya can feel Carina hold her hand tightly as the other arm wraps around Maya’s waist. She feels warmth spread throughout her entire body as Carina connects their foreheads together.
“I know you have to leave, and I would never stop you from helping out your family and everyone back home, but I… I’m just going to miss you.”
This is what it really comes down to. Maya is going to miss Carina. So deeply.
“Maya, I promise I’ll be back. I don’t want to leave you either. I want be with you, always.” Carina tries to reassure her.
“I’m sorry I’m being so insecure.” Maya adds. This statement alone shows how far she’s come in her self-development. Admitting that she’s insecure and scared has been a huge turning point for Maya. But she’s been able to do it because she knows Carina is always going to be there to catch her.
“You’re not. Not at all, bambina.” Carina kisses her softly on the lips. An act of comfort more than desire. “I will always come home to you, Maya. You’re my family.”
Maya smiles, a true and genuine smile, as she kisses the brunette. “You’re my family too.” There are thoughts in her mind lately. Thoughts that tell her to make that statement official. Thoughts that she’s going to listen to someday soon.
Maya’s face turns serious for a moment before her most feared thoughts are voiced without her consent. “Just… don’t fall in love with anyone else, okay?” She doesn’t mean to say it. But this is the core of her fear. She trusts Carina with her whole entire being but she is always going to be afraid to lose her. She’s had to almost live that nightmare once and she never wants to come close to that again.
“I won’t. Not ever. I love you so much, Maya. I’m going to do everything I can to come back to you soon. It’s you and me, bambina. Forever.”
“Forever.”
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