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Nico’s hand felt like the only thing grounding me to reality. Without it, I feared I might let my anger and guilt spiral out of control until I went insane from it.
All too soon, and somehow not soon enough, DeLuca’s memorial was over and people quietly dispersed, some back into the hospital, some to their homes. I stood rooted to the spot, not knowing where to go next, my mind blank. Nico took a step and I tried to let go of his hand so he can leave as well, but he only gripped harder. I looked up at him in question.
Nico’s full expression was hidden behind a mask, but his eyes were gentle as they gazed at me. He didn’t speak. He pulled me forward and gave a subtle jerk of his head and I followed easily. I would follow this man anywhere.
We went to his car and I let him take me to his apartment. I haven’t been here since we broke up, but it looked exactly the same. Not that I was expecting it to be vastly different, but it felt like stepping back in time, back when I could freely share my feelings with him without fear. I guessed this was the next best thing, the arrangement we had now. Fuck buddies. Stress relief with a person who knew my body as well as I knew his. Sex was never our problem.
This was the part we were good at.
It made sense, I told myself. I didn’t exactly have free time to meet people or devote to a boyfriend and neither did he, especially during a pandemic. This mutual agreement was simply fulfilling a basic biological need for both of us.
I could get emotional intimacy from platonic friends, right?
I mechanically removed my mask and jacket and Nico did the same. I didn’t speak as I followed him into the bedroom. His expression was tender as he sat me on the bed and knelt to slip off my shoes and socks, then my pants until I was left in my shirt and underwear. He quickly dressed down to match and then climbed in bed to spoon me from behind.
And that’s it. He just held me.
“Wait,” I croaked, my voice sounding too loud in the stillness of the dark room, “what’s happening? Why’d you stop?”
His breath burned the back of my neck and his arm tightened ever-so-slightly around my chest. “I didn’t want you to be alone tonight.” His voice was tight, controlled.
Even though I sensed he didn’t want direct eye contact right now, I needed it so I rolled over to face him. “You didn’t bring me here for...stress relief? You just didn’t want me to be alone?”
“I can give you stress relief, if you need it.” His hand trailed down my body, coming to a rest on my hip and I shivered.
“What do you need, Nico?”
Nico’s expression shuttered, gaze dropping away from mine. He was silent for so long I thought he wasn’t going to answer, but eventually his dark eyes met mine again and he said, “you.”
That may be the most heartfelt thing he’d ever said to me and I responded by pressing chaste kisses to his forehead, cheekbone, lips...
“You have me,” I said truthfully. Since the moment he first kissed me in the elevator, I’d been his. Our breakup hadn’t changed that, not in the deep recesses of my heart. “What else?”
“I need you inside of me.”
My eyes widened at his declaration, my only outward sign of shock. He’d never asked for that before and I assumed he didn’t like it. I’ve been so completely content bottoming that topping him wasn’t something I thought I needed until he said it. “Really?” My nerves betrayed me and it came out more squeaky than I’d intended.
“It’s cool if you don’t want to,” he said in a rush, misinterpreting my tone. “I like it the other way too.” He lunged forward to capture my mouth in a kiss, rolling so he was half laying on top of me. Nico was a master at distracting me with his lips and my brain almost short-circuited.
When he allowed me to take a breath, I twisted my head to the side so I could gasp, “no, I—I do want to! I just never thought...What if I’m bad at it?”
He turned my face back so he could look me in the eye and his expression told me to have more confidence in myself.
“I’ll teach you.”
The almost painful beating in my chest eased at the reassurance. I knew he wouldn’t let me do anything too wrong. He pulled back, tugging off his shirt and briefs and I did the same. When we were both naked, I climbed on his lap, wove my fingers into his soft, black hair, and kissed him deeply. With his arms wrapped around me, his intoxicating scent filling my senses, I felt completely at home.
This position was familiar to me, straddling him, enjoying the feel of his hard cock beneath me. Part of me wanted to fall back into our usual rhythms: me grinding on him desperately until he took control and fucked me into oblivion, or riding his dick while he gazed wondrously up at me. My hole clenched at the thought. But Nico didn’t often ask me for anything and I wanted to please him despite all the ways I could potentially mess up. I reiterated silently in my head that Nico wouldn’t let me fuck up and accidentally hurt him with my inexperience.
Nico’s strong hands roamed my body, owning every inch of it. He laid back, taking me with him and not breaking the kiss. I felt like I could kiss him forever, but then his hand found my dick and thumbed the tip and I pulled back with a gasp. He gathered a drop of my precum onto the pad of his thumb and brought it to his lips, sensually holding my gaze as he sucked it off.
God, when he looked at me like that I felt 10 feet tall. I felt like I was seen and beautiful and wanted, and as long as Nico’s hands were caressing me, his eyes holding mine in thrall, I knew it was true.
“Get the lube,” he ordered softly.
I obeyed, but my hand hesitated above the box of condoms in the drawer next to it. He guessed what gave me pause.
“I haven’t been with anyone else,” he said softly. “You can fuck me bare, if you want.”
My breath hitched in my throat. We used condoms whenever we fucked at the hospital to minimize cleanup, but had foregone them when we were a couple. I knew how unbelievable it was to feel his hot, bare cock sliding inside me and was dying to know how it felt on the other side of the equation. His trust in me made my eyes burn, but I refused to get overly emotional about it.
“Yeah, I want that.” I offered him the tube but he made no move to take it.
“You’re going to prep me. I haven’t done this in a long time, so go slow.”
I nodded, positioning myself between his spread thighs. Popping the cap, I squirted a large dollop onto my fingertips and set the tube aside. Before reaching for him, I took a moment to just soak him in. Nico, with his miles of gorgeous muscles laid out in front of me, his cock hard and wet-tipped against his lower abdomen, was the most magnificent thing I had ever laid eyes on.
I could tell he was attempting to slow his breathing. A calm settled over me as I saw the nerves he was trying so hard to hide. I could do this. I would make it good for him. I would do like he’d done for me, guiding me through sex for the first time.
Even though I knew it wasn’t his first time, it was obvious he didn’t do this a lot.
Nico jacked himself leisurely as I stretched him. I went at a snail’s pace even while my own cock was hard enough to hammer nails. My entire body was practically thrumming in desire. I couldn’t remember ever being so aroused yet so scared at the same time. What if I climaxed the second I pushed inside him? I could always ride him instead, or blow him to get him off. I just didn’t want to disappoint him.
Nico moaned, interrupting my anxiety-spiral. “Babe, I’m ready.”
His eyes were closed and his head thrown back on the pillow, so he didn’t see my reaction to him calling me ‘babe’. Nico didn’t use sweet pet names, even when we’d been an official couple. He was always tender when we made love, but was not overly emotive. His slip sent a sharp pang through my chest and for a second I was desperate for this to be real between us, for it to be more than just a fuck.
Luckily, I schooled my expression before he could see it and let my dick do the thinking instead of my ‘big brain’. I coated my shaft with lube before snagging my discarded T-shirt to wipe the excess from my hand, then climbed up his body to deliver a scorching kiss.
“How do you want to do this?” Part of me expected him to flip over but I was pleased when he simply lifted one leg over my shoulder. I liked that I’d be able to look into his eyes when I entered him. “Ooh, flexible.”
He smiled at that, then reached down to guide my dick as I slowly pushed inside him. His tight, hot channel was unlike anything I’d ever experienced and it was all I could do to not erupt that very second. Nico suddenly grabbed a handful of my ass and pulled hard, grunting as the last couple inches of my shaft entered him. I cried out at the sensation, shutting my eyes and trying to think unsexy thoughts to keep my climax at bay.
“Levi?” Nico stroked my cheek then wrapped a hand around the back of my neck to bring me closer. He sucked a spot on my collarbone while I silently listed Dungeons and Dragons’ monsters.
I dimly heard him saying my name again.
“God, you feel...” I didn’t have the words to describe it so I kissed him instead, pouring all the love I felt for him into that kiss. We didn’t communicate so well through words and conversation. This was our love language; I felt it whenever he kissed me, whenever he touched me, and tried to give it right back to him.
Nico’s calf dropped from my shoulder. Both legs then wrapped around my waist and squeezed, silently encouraging me to move. No longer dangerously close to the brink, I drew back and pushed into him again slowly. He sucked in a breath. I did it again with slightly more force to gauge his reaction. He moaned this time. He appeared to like it best when I sped up, so that’s what I did.
I couldn’t believe I had been scared of this. In the bedroom, Nico and I were a perfect match and I should have known it would be just as perfect when I was inside him as it was when he was inside me.
One of Nico’s hands wrapped around my shoulder, gripping hard enough to bruise, while the other was stroking his cock in time with my thrusts. Then his already constricting channel tightened further and his body tensed.
“Don’t stop,” he gasped. “Don’t stop, I’m –”
He came with a roar.
The spasms around my dick, along with the knowledge that I was the one who’d made him come apart so beautifully, sent me over the edge moments after. Grateful beyond measure that I had managed to hold it together long enough to make him climax first, I pressed a languid kiss to his panting lips, swallowing all his breathy gasps. For once he didn’t fight me for control of the kiss, but let me have my way.
After we both caught our breath, I rolled off the bed, evading Nico’s hands that tried to keep me next to him, and went to the bathroom to clean up and bring back a damp washcloth. I returned and wiped off the cum and sweat from his body, like he always did for me after he fucked my brains out and I didn’t feel like moving, before throwing the soiled washcloth somewhere in the direction of the bathroom.
I could tell he was half asleep already, but he drew me close when I laid back on the bed and covered us both with the comforter. Nico held my wrist firmly as he rolled away from me, encouraging me to roll with him and spoon him from behind.
Within moments I felt his breathing change and could tell he was fast asleep. It took me longer to find that peace.