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A second too late. Less than that even, when she let the horrifying scene replay in her head like a worn VHS. If only she’d shot a few seconds earlier. Then she’d still be alive.
Now they stood, uniformed in all black, waiting for the service to begin. And Jo couldn’t shake the gnawing guilt tearing through her soul. It was her fault. Her stupid fault for changing the location, hwr stupid fault for thinking that would be her last job. Her stupid fault for not pre-warning her. Her stupid fault for not just telling Kate. Giving into her warmth and allowing the DI to coax out the problem. Letting her in, letting her help. She thought the refusal, going stone cold and pusbing her away when things started getting too close for her liking, was for the best, as a means of protecting her. Jo cared far too deeply about Kate to ever see anything bad come her way. Ironic, she thought. As shutting her out had juxtaposed her intent.
This wasn't what she wanted. Hysterical tears had become her only friend, occupying her into the early hours of every morning. Since that night, she’d had about ten minutes of sleep. Everytime her exhausted eyes fluttered shut for longer for a few seconds, they were forcibly pulled open again by the ringing of the gunshot in her ears, followed by the piercing sob she let out when she realised. She had been too late. Ryan got to her before she got to Ryan. Her delayed shot saw the PC dead too, but none of that mattered anymore. Because he had the last sick laugh. He’d taken away her everything. And it was her fault.
They’d been getting closer progressively as the year drew on, and Jo had never felt safe before she met the DI. She made everything okay, and now she would never gst the comfort of her warm hugs, the texts asking if she wanted a coffee bringing in, the prolonged looks that radiated an energy stronger than friends. She’d never hear her absent-mindedly hum along to the shitty 2012 pop songs playing on their local radio station as she drove them from work some nights when they’d both stay late. No more restaurant nights with a glass too many of white wine in hand, discussing everything and nothing. Kate made Jo feel like she was walking on clouds, alleviating all inkling of concern, fear, insecurity from her soul for even milliseconds. Kate was a treasure, and Jo hadn’t treated her with the care she deserved.
This wasn’t the ending she’d dreampt doe them. She wanted them to have a chance, she wanted Kate to be hers, and every second they spent together was another second closer Jo got to murmuring those three precious words that scared her slightly. She only distanced herself because she feared for the future if Kate found out what had really gone on. She liked to think the DI would understand, she always shared auch warm and trusting smiles with her, she hoped Kate knew she didn’t have any vile intent. She just scared for what the OCG would do to her, do to them, if she acted on her feelings. Jo always worked by the saying the less said the better, but that cost her her loves life. And nothing was worth that.
What if Kate died hating her? The thought knocked her sick. She didn't even get to tell her she loved her. They didn't get to share their first kiss, stupidly giggle after like teenagers again. They didn't get their nights dancing in the rain under the stars, they didn't get to cook for one another. They didnt get to live life in the home of each other's arms. Jo wanted to protect Katw from all the worlds evil, cradle her when she had nightmares and fight away her demons. She wanted to learn about her little pet peeves, see the annoying habits she had, find out whether she put the cereal in the bowl first or the milk. And now she’d never know and it was all her fault. Kate was the reason she braved work, had the courage to stand up to Ryan, Ryan who ruined her life. Only her life was miniscule in comparison to the trainwreck that had caused the end to her beloveds.
If only she would have warned Kate, let her in and set the OCG up. If only she pushed down on that supid trigger a millisecond earlier. Then Kate would be safe, Jo would be free, and she could finally tell her she loved her. Haf their happily ever after. But Jo guessed it was too good to be true, nothing good ever lasted, and this was the universe projecting karma on her being for even daring to think she deserved a happy ending and a true chance at love. Jo should know by now that she wasn't cut out for the romantic, picturesque life little girls dream about from reading fairy tales. She cursed herself for not listening, for tryinf ro do something for her for once in her life. Becayse it cost Kate her life.
Sat in the hall, her casket in sight, she couldn't bring herself to raise her eyes to meet it. It sickened her too much, and sent an agonising sting shooting through her chest, unshakable and suffocating. Already, Josh’s cries were audible, a sound she couldn't help but feel she provoked. She didn't kill Ryan in time, that's how come Josh’s mom was dead.
The person he relied on for everything. She couldn't live with herself, head throbbing and heart obliterated, as if she’d entered hells burning realms having to sit in her uncomfortable wooden chair as she listened to him let out heartbreaking sobs. No child should ever lose a parent that young. And now he was never going to get to perform in the school play and spot his mom in the crowd, never going to have her to cry to when he gets his heart broken, no one to ask for help with the maths homework clogging his night. No one to hold him, keep him safe. No mom to give him a hug when all he needed was a hug from his mom. It repulsed her evermore as Jo had faced the exact same. And she’d just inflicted that pain upon this poor, innocent boy, who Kate lived and breathed for. Since it happened, she hadn't been able to look Josh in the eye, nor Steve or Hastings for that matter. Her peripheral vision censored them from her dull glassy eyes. Looking at them only reminded her of the ignorant bliss Kate lived in before transferring to MIT, before meeting her. They loved her, treasured the bones of her like Jo, but the difference was, they protected her with their entire beings.
And that's all Jo was trying to do. But it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough.
The speech regarding her life simply sounded like fuzzy noise, not being able to register the words because every phrase just chanted “guilty” at the acting DSU. It was paralysing. Silent sobs emitted from deep within, eyes pouring, bloodshot and weighted, carrying a disgusting concoction of grief, heartbreak and remorse over her skeleton. It was an effort to blink. Lomax reached out to gently press a comforting hand to her shoulder having noticed her uncontrollable sobs and persistent tears rolling down the engraved tracks on her pale cheeks, drained of colour ever since it happened.
She was as lifeless as Kate, deflated and heavy, a shell of who she once was. When Kate was taken, so was Jo. She’d never be herself again. This was irreversible.
Flinching away, the queasiness deep in her gut clambered rapidly to her throat, nearly forcing itself out there and then. The pity was a grim reminder of her greif. She didn’t deserve pity, affection, someone to talk to.
She couldn't help but feel this was all her fault. She’d indirectly takej a life, and drained several orhsrs of all the joy they once found in the world.
And for that, she’d never forgive herself. As the casket passed her, she could only bring herself to whisper a few quiet words. She prayed to everything above that Kate, wherever she may be now, managed to hear, and understood.
“I’m so sorry. I love you.”
She’d gone. All because Jo couldnt pull that stupid little trigger a second faster. Less than that even. Then all of this would be a vile nightmare that Kate could swoop in and salvage her from.
Instead she was drowning, and this time there was no surrender, no second chances.
And no comforting Kate Fleming hug waiting for her at the end of the day.