Chapter Text
Dream had never meant for it to get this bad.
He was currently lying in bed, gasping and shaking, feeling blood trickle down his sides from the opened cuts.
This wasn’t even a bad night by his standards.
He laughed bitterly at that thought. How fucked up was he? That lying in a pool of sweat and blood wasn’t even a 2 on the ‘Dream Panic Scale’. He shivered at the thought of a 10. Those nights were rough.
He thought about this time a year and a half ago, when he was talking to George and Sapnap about them moving in. Sap had just turned 18 and it was finally a possibility. Dream had told them about the spare rooms in his house and they had been discussing it for a while. All three of them wanted to live together, having known each other for virtually forever. It was possible at last. But after about a month, something new came up and it wasn’t bought up anymore.
It was something he wanted so bad, but the idea could send him head first into a panic attack on a bad day. He avoided thinking about it most days.
Them seeing him like this would ruin him. He could imagine what they’d see. A pathetic man who probably weighed less than an average 15 year old who was half his height; a man not worth being friends with. Someone they’d leave immediately.
He wasn’t worth it anyways, he didn’t know why they bothered to be his friends. He didn’t deserve them. He didn’t deserve anything. There was a razor on the bed table and mouldy food from him not being able to eat without making himself throw up. Just more proof he was worthless. A waste of time. Useless. No one wanted him. That’s probably what his family was thinking when-
Okay, maybe going there wasn’t the smartest thing to do if he didn’t want to spend the rest of the night scratching off his skin and crying until he passed out.
Standing up, he threw on his iconic green hoodie and some sweatpants, turning on his computer and wincing at the stabbing light. He wasn’t going to get any sleep, so he may as well do something productive.
Wilbur was streaming and he joined the call, clearing his throat and mentally preparing himself to slip into the familiar persona. At least he still had that. None of the fans thought he was weak. Sure there were other things they said, but none of them knew how pathetic he was. Thankfully. “Dream, hey, I wasn’t expecting you. Isn’t it like 3 in the morning in Florida?”
“Yeah, I was sleeping but I think I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule so bad that I woke up about an hour ago and just couldn’t go back to sleep.” The lie slipped off of his tongue easily and he grinned at the screen. They couldn’t see it, but he was proud of himself for not slipping. The lie came out smoothly and no one suspected a thing.
“Oh fair enough. I’ve done that a good few times myself. We’re steamers, we basically don’t sleep. Do you want to play bedwars?”
“Sure. Whatever you want Wil.”
They had been streaming for around 5 hours when the stream was ended and they were left alone in a call. Wilbur faced the screen, and Dream decided to leave his camera off. He didn’t want the older boy to think anything was wrong. “That was a good stream today Dream. You haven’t really been too active for a couple weeks, so I’m glad to see you getting back in to it. We were getting a little bit worried to be honest.”
He nodded, realising Wilbur couldn’t see his face and muttering a small ‘thank you’.
After a few seconds of comfortable silence Patches started yowling at him and he let out a small chuckle at the cat. She was another constant in his life. It’s saddened him to think that she may be left behind if he decided to… he cut that off too. Not going there. “Okay well the cat needs her food and I’m sure you have other things to do Wil, so I’m gonna have to go. It was really nice catching up though and we should organise something like this again. I think the fans enjoy us streaming together.
There was a light chuckle on the other end. “No Dreamy Boy, the fans enjoy any stream you are on. But yeah I have to do some editing, and I’m sure you will too. George was on the stream a bit before you, he went to sleep just before you joined, but he was also talking to me about how he needed to have a conversation with you, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was about. So I think he’ll text you about that soon. Oh and Karl said a collab between him, me, Techno and you would happen on stream so we need to talk about that. So maybe tomorrow? 9 in the morning your time, so 11 Techno’s, 8 Karl’s and 1 in the afternoon my time?”
Patches mewled louder. He sighed fondly. She was so impatient. Wilbur heard it too, and he chuckled over the call. “Yeah that’s perfect. I’ll be there and I’ll talk to George when he texts me but I really need to go. Bye Wilbur.” He left after the man gave a ‘goodbye’ in return. “Hey KitKat,” he turned to Patches,“let’s go and get you some food huh? I’m sorry I didn’t do it earlier. I was busy doing my job.” Not that she knew what a job was. Not could she understand him. But it still made him feel a bit better to talk to her. She was like human company, just quieter.
As he completed the relatively mindless task of filling up her food his mind started to wander to what Wilbur had said just before he left. Why did George need to talk to him? And why hadn’t George mentioned it to him first?
‘He probably doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. Maybe he wants to create his own SMP. You probably upset him, you can’t do anything right.’ The cruel voice in his head was harsh and factual. It was probably right. Of course George didn’t want a friend like him. Who would? He could feel his breathing picking up speed.
“No, George wouldn’t talk to Wilbur about that. And he wouldn’t need to wait to text me. This has to be something else.” He forced himself to believe that, to think that nothing bad would happen.
He couldn’t allow himself to think like that. The voice was sometimes helpful, but not at times like this. Now he needed to shut it off.
He walked upstairs. A shower. Showers always did the trick. Even when he was 14 and still trying to deal with the voice telling him how much of a fuck up and a disappointment he was, he recognised that showers were safe.
They also reminded him of hugs from D-
Nope, not going there again.
He stood in the shower, letting the scalding hot water distract him from the burning of the fresh cuts on his side. The ones that had opened this morning.
He really needed to wash those sheets.
His skin was bright red and wrinkly when he climbed out of the shower, bandaging up his cuts and throwing the sheets in the wash.
He finally felt clean, healthy, and he opened discord, seeing George asking if he could call with Sap. He typed back that he could call in maybe 4 hours, and that he’d text when he was finally free.
While he was being productive, having a particularly good day, he decided to clean up the house and get some groceries.
‘Just enough to make sure you don’t get sent to hospital.’ His mind reprimanded him sharply.
Yeah, just enough to make sure he wasn’t dying. He corrected himself. Nothing else was necessary.
But first, hoovering and cleaning.
He started up the hoover, letting out a surprised laugh as Patches jumped out from behind the sofa and ran upstairs. She always did hate loud noises. Something they had in common.
When he was younger, loud noises used to send him into panic attacks, or he would end up curled up on the floor crying and begging for someone to ‘turn it off please’.
Even now he had to leave a room sometimes when there was a loud noise or person, even though he had got much better at dealing with it.
He had finished picking up his mess and cleaning the house, changing his bedsheets and decided that food wasn’t that important. He could always get it later.
‘Or you could leave it another day.’
Or he could leave it another day. His fridge was empty, so there was less temptation than normal. It’s not like he needed the food; sure his stomach was growling but he had cheated and eaten a sandwich and some chocolate that had somehow stayed down only 2 days ago.
‘You shouldn’t have done that Dreamy. You were doing so well and it just proved to me how much of a disappointment you are. Can’t even follow a simple order to not eat.’ He flinched at the cold voice’s words.
“I guess it’s time to call George and Sap then hey Cat?” He spoke to Patches. She didn’t answer.
He turned on his computer and joined the open call that Sap and George were on, staying silent for a few seconds to figure out if either of them were on stream.
“Neither of you are streaming right?”
“No.” Sapnap briefly looked away from whatever coding he was doing.
“Okay so why did you want to talk to me?”
Sapnap finished whatever he was doing and turned towards Dream, flashing the familiar crooked grin he had grown up seeing. “Are we not allowed to talk to our best friend anymore?” He pouted and Dream snorted.
“You normally say ‘do you want to call’ and this time you said ‘we need to talk to you’. And George spoke to Wil about it at some point.”
“Idiot, I thought we were keeping this to ourselves!” Sapnap turned to George and the other boy’s face turned slightly pink.
“It’s not like I told him anything important. Dream will still be the first to know.” George whined at Sap, not noticing the amused tilt of his lips.
Were they dating? No way that couldn’t happen right? They wouldn’t leave him out like that?
That was so selfish of him. If they were dating he could ignore his own feelings and be happy for them.
‘Maybe they’re dating so they can slowly push you away. They probably don’t want you as their friends.’
No. That can’t be it. No. No. No.
No way.
His nails dug into the flesh on his thighs, bringing him out of the panic he was slipping into. The two of them had finished bickering and George was looking at him expectantly. “Uh I’m so sorry, but I missed whatever you just said. Patches came in sorry.” Another lie.
Sapnap and George looked at each other for a second too long and his breath hitched silently. Why wouldn’t they just say something already?
“Dreamy, can you please turn your camera on? I’m sorry I just really want to see your face when we tell you this. It’s not bad, I promise.” Sapnap sounded happy. Dream trusted him.
‘Too much. You trust him too much.’
He cleared his throat.“Yeah sure give me a second.” He turned on the light, throwing a few things around and covering the crescent shaped marks on his thighs that were slowly dripping blood. The pain was soothing, but he didn’t want either of them to see the cuts.
The camera was turned on and George and Sapnap smiled at the taller man who gave them a small grin in return. He cleared his throat to speak. “Okay, what is it?”
Sap pulled out a plane ticket with details of a trip to Orlando, Florida.
“Me and Georgie are coming to live with you.”