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English
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Part 16 of Honorary Knight
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Published:
2021-04-23
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2,141
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1/1
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22
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495
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Patterns

Summary:

Diluc and Aether begin to understand each other. This is not as fun as it sounds.

Notes:

This fic is basically entirely about self-harm. One incident is depicted in-fic, one that happened in the past is discussed, others are implied to have happened, characters have feelings about it. IF YOU CANNOT READ ABOUT SELF-HARM SAFELY THEN DO NOT READ THIS FIC. DO NOT DO THAT TO ME. You can skip this fic without losing out on the Kaeya-and-Lumine-centric rest of the series, neither of them are even present in this, so if you need to do that for yourself then PLEASE take care of yourself. Thank you.

Work Text:

Aether's starting to fall into a routine, somehow. First light coming through the window wakes him, and he does what he tries to think of as exercise. What's left of his body still works, after all. Getting leverage for a satisfying stretch is a little tricky, but he's getting the hang of it. Then he practices moving. He can crawl around a little, roll from side to side, and sit up if he's next to the headboard. He could probably lower himself into the wheelchair if he worked on it for long enough, but if he hit the floor, he isn't sure he could get back up on the bed to try again.

If he's going to keep living, it's something else to add to the list. He hasn't decided if he's going to keep living, though. He'll hang on until the "contract" with Kaeya runs out, and then maybe he'll think through it again.

The maids usually turn up for morning hygiene at about the same time that Aether gets too frustrated to keep awkwardly fumbling through motions that would have been trivial a few weeks ago. He usually just goes away for the entire process and only comes back to himself when they wheel him to the table for breakfast.

Diluc makes a point of being at the table every meal he's at home. Most mornings they don't speak much. One of the maids, a girl named Moco, has gotten pretty good at intuiting when Aether wants a bite of food, so even that doesn't take up a lot of chatter.

Then Diluc starts working. A lot of it is management, but he'll go out and do trivial tasks in the fields if he's needed, and sometimes he takes shipments of alcohol to the city. Aether spends most mornings outside. There's almost always something to watch, at least.

If Diluc is home at lunch, which he usually is, they eat lunch together. They're much more likely to talk. Aether lets his host lead the conversation most of the time. They'll discuss business on the farm, or whatever's going on in the city, or what their siblings are doing: Kaeya was finally cleared for fieldwork after an entire week off and days of desk work only; Lumine and her... friend Albedo did some experiments up on Dragonspine for a couple days.

Most afternoons, Aether takes for himself. It's easy to convince everyone that he's tired, even though he does nothing all day, and that he needs to rest through the afternoon. Then they leave him in his room until dinner, and he's almost never interrupted.

A few afternoons have been what others might consider all right. Once, Aether slept. Twice he got in some more "exercise." Most of the time it's not like that.

Aether still has plenty of power stored in him, even if most of the Abyss is gone. He experiments, in the afternoons, to see what's available to him. His experiments are... probably not healthy.

He burns himself with Pyro and Cryo. He makes the little plant on the nightstand poisonous with a little Dendro, grows it out a little further, and then uses Hydro to get the poison to drip on his skin. Hydro is also possible to use as a blunt instrument with a little effort, and he's trying to learn to form blades with it like he's heard Lumine's Fatui "sparring partner" does, but he can't get them to stay sharp enough to be of any use. Geo is the ultimate blunt instrument, of course, and with that he can concentrate more on speed and precision. Shocks with electro are potent enough to affect large sections of the body while leaving minimal external markings. Anemo is probably the hardest element to weaponize on such a small scale... but it's important for the cleanup, if nothing else, and he has a little healing with it. Enough so that no one knows what he's been doing.

Maids come to "wake" Aether for dinner. Diluc is there about half the time. When he isn't, a few members of the staff tend to sit at the table with him and try to engage him in conversation. Aether has better manners than to be disrespectful to them, but he barely even knows his host, much less the rest of the people there.

After dinner, Aether sometimes asks to go outside again for a few hours. Sometimes he stays at the table just to listen to the chatter of the household. Sometimes he goes back to the bedroom and exercises, or he hurts himself. Then, eventually, it's time for bed, and most of the time he even sleeps.

Maybe he was too confident. Maybe that's why it takes him by surprise when the rhythm his life has fallen into gets interrupted.

---

It's two days before the prosthetic fitting. Aether is used to being left alone through the afternoons. Maybe he's not careful enough. Maybe it's inevitable.

He's laying on his back, arm held up and sleeve carefully blown back with Anemo, making a blue-hot flame dance across his skin without coming too close to the fabric of his clothes. The fire leaves behind an intricate pattern of dark red on his skin. He's fascinated by the sight of it, the flicker of the flames, the searing pain against his skin...

And so Aether doesn't hear the door open.

"There's fire- oh."

Aether does hear someone talk. Diluc. He jerks his head up, letting the flame vanish, and stares.

Diluc stares back.

For what must be an eternity, neither of them say anything. Aether is almost sure he can see disgust and horror in Diluc's expression. Part of him feels disgusted with himself, too. Another part of him feels a sick sense of pride that he got Diluc to hate him and he didn't even have to say anything terrible. Will Kaeya think it counts if Diluc kills him over this?

"Please don't use Pyro indoors. Excuse me," Diluc says, and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

Aether only starts shaking when the door is closed, because now- now he doesn't know. What's Diluc going to do? It would be okay if he just ignored it, but he doesn't seem the type. Is he going to tell people? What-

Diluc returns before Aether can even work himself up properly. He has a little first-aid kit in his hands.

"I can heal it," Aether says. "It's- it's all right."

Diluc shakes his head. "Please allow me to do this," he says.

"Fine," Aether says.

So Diluc pulls a chair next to the bed. He opens up the box. First, he applies a layer of cool cream to the burn marks. It's a strange mess of sensations: the pain from the burn, tingling and cold from the cream, and Diluc's callused hands rubbing against skin. Then he takes out a roll of gauze and wraps it loosely around the wounds until they disappear. He carefully puts everything back in the box.

"I would rather you didn't hurt yourself," Diluc says awkwardly.

"I gathered that," Aether says.

"I would also prefer that you try not to burn down the building," Diluc continues.

"Right," Aether says.

Diluc nods. He gets to his feet, pushes the chair away from the bed, and picks up the first-aid kit. "I'll be away for the rest of the afternoon," he says simply, and then leaves.

Aether rolls onto his side. He buries his head into his pillow and laughs. He's finally gotten Diluc to drop the polite mask. He's finally got someone to hate him.

The laughter turns to sobbing. Dizzying waves of self-loathing and relief and fury roll over him for what seems like forever. Is Diluc going to tell everyone? Are they all going to hate him, too? What if Lumine finds out? But if anyone should hate him, Lumine should, and it's the deepest injustice of them all that she's forgiven him so easily...

Aether's thoughts wander for the rest of the afternoon.

---

Distantly, Aether becomes aware that it's growing dark, dark enough that dinner should have come and gone by now. Maybe they're not going to feed him anymore.

The door does open eventually, though. Diluc steps in with a tray and no maids in sight. He plans to have a conversation, then. Fine.

Aether sighs. "Yes?" He shifts, using the headboard to sit himself up. He's never done it in front of anyone before, but he's already humiliated himself today, so what does it matter?

Diluc watches impassively. He pulls a chair up to the bed again, and sits with the tray. There's a slice of meat pie on the plate and a glass of water. Nothing for Diluc.

"Would you like to eat?" Diluc asks.

Aether considers answering no, but eventually, he nods.

Diluc feeds him a forkful of meat pie. The crust is flaky and buttery, and the ground beef inside is piping hot and covered in thick gravy.

Aether finishes the bite and swallows. "It's good," he says.

"It's takeout," Diluc says. He silently offers Aether another bite, and Aether takes it.

They spend most of the meal in a silence that is surprisingly close to comfortable, for all that's happened. It's only when Aether is finishing that Diluc speaks up again.

"I should not have left you like that," Diluc says.

Aether doesn't respond.

"You're not the first person I've known who has deliberately harmed themselves," Diluc continues. "So I should have known better."

Aether gives him a dull look. "I deserved it."

"No, you didn't," Diluc says.

"It's... repulsive," Aether says.

"I've inflicted far worse burns," Diluc says. "Yours were relatively mild."

Aether shakes his head. "You know what I mean," he says.

Diluc takes a deep breath. "I do," he says. "That's why I know my behavior was unacceptable."

Aether doesn't understand.

Diluc sets the tray on top of a dresser. He strips off his coat. Then he pushes the sleeve of his dress shirt up, baring his forearm. It's... one huge burn scar, from the elbow down to a short distance from the wrist.

"I fought with Kaeya, once," Diluc says. "I burned him... severely. It was only when the Archons granted him a Vision that I understood what I was really doing, not that it's any excuse. Afterward, I desired punishment. I eventually decided... to inflict upon myself what I had done to him. And then it didn't feel like enough, so..."

Aether realizes he's staring. He drags his eyes away from the scarring. "I'm not doing it for so noble a reason," he says, looking down at the bedspread.

"I didn't say you were," Diluc replies. "But it's not... repulsive." He sighs. "I didn't leave you this afternoon because I was disgusted. I left because I was overwhelmed with emotion and feared doing further harm. I apologize."

"You shouldn't," Aether says. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I didn't tell anyone," Diluc says. "I don't intend to, unless you want me to. I hope that you will extend me the same courtesy."

"Kaeya doesn't know?" Aether asks.

"Not about either of us," Diluc says.

"Wouldn't it... wouldn't it make him happy?" Aether asks. "Knowing that... that someone who hurt him... was punished for their sins..." But even as he says it, he's frowning. He can't explain it, but he knows that Kaeya wouldn't like it. He doesn't think he would be truly appreciative in a similar situation. Even if the evidence of remorse was nice...

"It wouldn't make him happy at all," Diluc says.

Aether sighs and nods.

"If..." Diluc sighs. "I know I can't stop you from harming yourself again," he says. "You don't use a Vision. It's innate to you. There's nothing I could do to take that away short of killing you. But if... if you feel like you're in over your head. You've done more damage than you know how to handle, or you want to stop, or you just... want to talk about it. You can talk to me. I might not understand all of it, but..." He rolls his sleeve back into place.

They sit in silence for another few moments.

"Thank you," Aether says softly. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to talk about it, not really, but he can see the careful trust that's been put on the line here. "I'll... I'll be more careful about fire," he says. It's the best he can offer.

"Thank you," Diluc replies. He puts his coat on, brushing it all into place. "What would you like to do with your evening?"

"I... don't know," Aether says honestly. He hasn't even thought about it. He wants to do something, though... Diluc's been so kind... "Would you like to play a game of chess?"

Diluc smiles. "I'd love to."

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