Chapter Text
Drew’s POV
I woke up to the sun coming into my room on a saturday morning, my body felt heavy and I didn’t want to get up. My clothes from yesterday were still on the floor, but I didn’t have it in me to clean them up and so I laid around with a list of things to do later on in my mind. It didn’t help that someone had yelled at me at school yesterday and told me that I’m ugly, that hurt me mentally.
Nevin had seen the scene and had told me that their words weren’t true, even though my mind had already believed them. There was another thing though, a bunch of the people who I hang out with have told me that sometimes I act a lot like a girl and then they asked about my gender. I’ve always thought of myself as a boy, there weren’t any other options for me and it hit me just now that I might not be. If anyone knew I was thinking like this they would likely make fun of me and I can’t take much more harassment.
“Drew, are you awake yet? I made pancakes,” I groaned and rolled over, hearing the sound of Nevin coming in.
“Go away,” he didn’t leave.
“Not until I know why you’re moping,” I rolled over to glare at him and he gave me a serious look.
“It’s none of your business, now go away,” he sighed and walked towards the door.
“I’ll be back with some pancakes for you,” I didn’t know if I should be happy or not and I settled on being a mopping blanket lover.
“I just want to be alone, why can’t he understand that? I want to think by myself,” my mind suddenly went to what I saw last week, a girl was bullied for being trans and I don’t know if my feelings are like that too.
“I’m back, hey Drew are you okay? I’m worried about you,” I hadn’t even realized that I had started to cry until Nevin was worried about me and the pancakes he brought for me were on my bedside table.
“I’m fine, I don’t know why my eyes teared up,” he sighed out in disappointment that I could see, another thing that I don’t understand about myself.
“I want you to talk to me if something is wrong, I promise to help you if you need it,” I just laid there while Nevin hugged me, telling me that I can talk to him.
“Can I have some alone time? I don’t want to be around anyone right now,” he looked so defeated, but he got up and left the pancakes for me to eat.
“Okay, I’m going. Shout if you need anything,” he closed the door behind him and I decided I should at least eat my food before it gets too cold.
My mind kept wandering as I considered my gender, everyone knows me as a boy and I am overly confused as to what I am now. There have been days that I’ve felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but then there are days that I feel perfectly fine with myself. I pulled out my phone to read about genders, just so I know what these feelings of mine might mean.
While scrolling through a website that had all sorts of different genders and definitions I saw one that made me want to cry out of the fear of being different and smile because I know what the name of my gender identity is. It was called genderfluid and it was kind of like how it sounded, a person who doesn’t have a fixed gender as it’s able to change at any time. I felt scared to admit my feelings about what I wanted to identify as to anyone else, for fear of rejection.
The next several hours were spent by me just laying in bed and thinking about my gender, making sure that I identify as genderfluid. My mind was a mess, constantly trying to grasp at my thoughts of what to do and who to tell. That’s when I decided Nevin should be the first to know, he was worried about me this morning and I shouldn’t keep it from him if it will just cause us both to be stressed.
“Hey Nevin, can I come in? I want to talk to you,” I was shaking as I knocked on his door, fear of how he would react coursing through me.
“Drew? Come on in” I opened the door and saw Nevin sitting on his bed with his homework, most of it looked almost done.
“Hi, um I wanted to talk to you about this morning. First I feel I should apologize for pushing you away though, sorry,” he moved some of his homework out of the way and patted the bed beside him.
“SIt down and Drew, you don’t need to be sorry, I didn’t really think about how you might have been feeling,” I hugged him and we clung to each other for a few moments.
“Um, I should probably start talking now. This morning I was just feeling really confused and I’m still kind of confused, but I think I’m more sure of myself now. I’ve just been thinking a lot recently about my gender and stuff,” inside I was starting to feel a bit panicked, but I tried to bury my emotions deep within myself.
“You’re having gender problems? You know I don’t mind right, I mean it will be confusing to get used to, but I really don’t mind,” Nevin held me in another hug and I felt a bit of my panic leave me.
“Thanks, I’m still a bit confused, but I really think I’m genderfluid. It’s just still a bit confusing to me and I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone else yet,” the air around us was calm and full of relaxing colors that made me happier, Nevin didn’t feel any sort of resentment towards me and he accepted my feelings.
“Well then, if you want we could make something so I can tell what gender you’re feeling on a certain day so I don’t upset you,” my excitement must have shown on my face because Nevin was proud of himself for coming up with such an idea.
“You need to finish your homework first, then we can think up some ideas for expressing my gender,” he sighed and looked at the mess he had shoved to the side, seeming bored at even my suggestion of him finishing his work.
“Fine, I don’t have much left and it doesn’t hurt to get it done, but you better start thinking of ideas. I’m certain you can come up with something before I get there,” it’s nice to see my brother acting happy and playful, he’s been really stressed lately. I’ve been completing all my schoolwork during my recess and lunch to get it done, but Nevin has been hanging out with his friends, which I’m glad he has, but they distract him from his work which makes him stressed when he has to complete it at home.
While waiting for Nevin to finish his homework I flopped out across my bed and pulled out my phone, looking to see if there were any easy ways of showing people what my gender is on certain days. There were lots of ideas, from pins to bracelets, with hair clips and stickers. I liked the idea of bracelets as it would be easier to hide from people who may want to bully me.
I spent nearly an hour thinking about my ideas. I could buy some different colored bracelets and tell Nevin what each one means or I could get some with pronouns on them. There were flaws with my ideas, but they were just ideas and I could change them at any time. When I was thinking about the pronoun bracelets Nevin came in and saw me just laying there, but I noticed him.
“I have some ideas, but I’m not sure about them. The first one is to get some bracelets and have each one represent the gender I’m feeling on that day or my other idea which is kind of similar is to have bracelets with pronouns on it. The second idea is kind of flawed since I’m not out to anyone else,” Nevin sat down beside me and it looked like he was deep in thought.
“I have an idea, we can go with your first idea until you come out to more people, then we could go with your second idea or something else if you think of something else you want to do,” I liked the idea and ultimately wanted to go with it, so I agreed.
“That sounds good to me,” he smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back.
We went out after that, bringing some money along so we could buy what we needed for my gender identification. It was nice to just go out and spend the day shopping with my brother, that was until we ran into Chris. Chris is a nice guy in all, but I wanted this to be a special siblings trip and that does not involve him.
“Hey Drew, hey Nevin, nice to see you guys. What are two buying?” I practically growled at him, even though he was just trying to be nice.
“Go away, I don’t want to hang out with you,” I sounded a bit more intimidating than I intended, but Chris waved goodbye and then ran away.
“Drew, why’d you get so mad at him? He was just saying hi,” it felt a bit insulting to have Nevin question me, but I couldn’t figure out why.
“I just wanted today to be for us to hangout, I may have been a bit more aggressive than intended though,” he gave me a look that was sarcastic and yet serious at the same time.
“Just don’t do it again, okay? That wasn’t very nice to say when he was just being friendly,” getting scolded by Nevin is most definitely one of my least favorite activities.
“Okay,” I felt a bit too much like a small child again, giving into someone else's demands and the feeling made me want to shiver.
The rest of our shopping trip felt tense and I could see that Nevin was still a bit mad at me for my earlier snappiness. I felt the burning words from the other day come back into my head and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for several hours. Nevin doesn’t like me, I screw everything up and when he told me that I’m not ugly it was just out of pity for my weak emotions.
Going home felt like a treat, I was feeling self conscious and uncomfortable. Now that I can be away from Nevin I’m scared that he might never want to see me again if I leave his sight now. It made me feel sick and lonely, unlike any loneliness I’ve felt before. My mind went from being fine with my body to feeling like my body is disgusting and beyond wrong on so many levels. I wanted to throw up, but I held in the feeling and made my way to my room.
With the door closed behind me, locking my thoughts in here with me, I released a sigh of relief and dread. Curling up with my back to the door and digging my nails into my arm, hoping to lock myself in place. Bile was at the back of my throat and I threw up, my anxieties getting worse, it looked gross and smelled even worse. Nevin must have heard me because came knocking on my door, asking to be let in and I moved enough to let him just barely slip in.
“Hey Drew, how about we get you cleaned up? That doesn’t look very comfortable to sit in,” Nevin was being gentle with me, even as he dragged me out of the way of the door so it could be fully opened.
He cleaned my floor after handing me a bucket, to be used when the urge to vomit came back and it was used when I felt sick again and I couldn’t keep it down any more. I saw the look of pity on his face as he looked up from the mess I made to me and the vomit on my clothes and in my hair. It was obvious that I wasn’t looking my best and that I couldn’t really judge him for giving me pity when I was hurling.
My body felt horribly stiff from sitting in a fetal position and my hair had little bits of vomit in it. Along with the vomit that had long since soaked into my clothes and was pressed against my body, I wasn’t looking or smelling very pleasant. Nevin was trying to get me to stand up so I could get cleaned up, but I didn’t have the strength or the want to do such a thing.
The world around me was fuzzy and slowly getting harder to focus on, even as Nevin tried bringing me back to reality. I was pulled from my consciousness and everything was slow and fuzzy, a dark haze of sorts. However a rude awakening was what I was in for, Nevin had taken everything but my boxers off before putting me into the water of the bathtub.
“Ahhh, what the hell-heck? I said heck, not the other thing,” Nevin laughed a bit at my use of the word hell when I’ve been going to church and I was disappointed in myself for it.
“Anyway, good morning sleepy head. I’ve scraped all the vomit off of your clothes and put them in the washing machine, so those should be fine. Now I want to know about how you’re feeling and what caused you to throw up all over yourself,” this whole thing is amusing Nevin, he’s not even worried about me.
“I’m a bit stressed and I think I was just feeling a little too overwhelmed earlier, so it made me vomit,” he nodded to himself, likely making a mental note of it.
“Enjoy your bath, I am going to make supper,” the door shut behind him and I was left alone in the cold bathroom, with the feeling of loneliness holding tightly onto me.
My bath was short due to how much stress it was causing me, so I went to my room and changed into my pajamas. Glancing at the bracelets that were sitting on the bedside table, I grabbed the green one and headed downstairs. Green represented confusion of gender, blue was for boy, purple for girl and yellow for non-binary. It felt nice around my wrist and I appreciated the comfort it gave me to know that my gender will be correctly seen to Nevin with it.
Downstairs I saw him cooking supper, my eyes locking onto the knife he was using to cut up some vegetables and I wished it was my body getting chopped up. I tried to ignore the thought as it’s not exactly normal to want to be chopped up by a knife. To distract myself I decided to talk with Nevin a little, just to be friendly with him after he helped me get cleaned up.
“Hey Nevin,” he jumped a little, but composed himself quite quickly.
“Hey Drew, I didn’t expect you to be out of the bath so fast,” he didn’t even turn to face me as he spoke, completely concentrating on his cooking and chopping.
“I didn’t really want a long bath, um sorry for earlier and making you have to clean me up. I’m just gonna go and wait until supper is done,” I practically ran out of the kitchen, feeling way too awkward.
On the way back to my room where I planned to hide until supper I saw the razors in the bathroom and I felt the same as when I saw the knife. I didn’t even think about it as I picked it up and went back to my room, prying the plastic off the blade. When the blade was free it looked so delicate and I wanted it to rip into my flesh.
I couldn’t resist the pull, dragging the blade across my forearm and watching as little cuts appeared with blood bubbling up. It burned, but it was so pretty and I couldn’t resist the pull to make my whole arm look like that. The blood was smeared all over my arm and hand as I finished, realizing exactly what I had done.
My tears started falling as I was consumed by fear, these cuts will make people judge me even more. I got up and headed to the bathroom in shame, cleaning the cuts off with water and then rubbing alcohol which made the burn even more. An itch came along with the burn and I had to keep myself from worsening the cuts. I didn't want to waste bandages on myself and make it obvious that I had gotten hurt, so I pressed a tissue down on my arm to catch the last of the blood that was bubbling up. With the cleaning done I returned to my room to put on a hoodie, which hid my arms and it was just generally comfortable.
“Drew, dinner is ready,” Nevin yelled from the kitchen and I hurried to get down there, ignoring the urge to itch at my arm.
Downstairs I noticed that our grandmother had gotten home and was sitting down beside Nevin. I kept quiet as I sat down and got some of the stirfry, taking slow bites to not overwhelm myself and throw up again. It felt like an eternity went by while we were eating and the silence made it so much worse, the second I was done I left.
I didn’t leave my room again for the rest of the day, instead I played horror games and tried to pretend that everything was fine. The whole day was too long and overwhelming, so it was nice to just relax. It was midnight before I even knew it and all my exhaustion crashed into me at once. All I could do was put my computer on the floor and fall asleep.
Sunday was just as dull, Nevin was out hanging out with Chris and likely apologizing for my behaviour yesterday. So I didn’t bother to get out of bed, just sitting around to play more games and pick at my scabs a bit. It wasn’t as satisfying to pick at the scabs as it was to drag the razors over my arm.
By the time the day was over I was hungry and numb to my own emotions, for once feeling okay. Nevin got home just before ten at night and I was already getting tired, so I decided to get some sleep for school in the morning. I didn’t really want to wake up in the morning though, I wish I never had to wake up again.
“Drew wake up or you’re going to be late for school,” Nevin was shouting from the doorway to my room and he was in the middle of eating breakfast, which was surprisingly simple for him.
With a glance at the clock I was shocked, we normally would be heading out at this point, Nevin must have slept in. I got up and closed the door, before pulling off my clothes. I found a pair of blue jeans that I usually don’t wear and another comfy hoodie that was a bright yellow, then I looked at the bracelets me and Nevin bought. I grabbed the yellow one before racing out the door with my bookbag in hand, without even bothering to eat breakfast or pack a lunch.
Nevin had already left without me and I was running to catch up, but not eating yesterday or this morning made me weaker than usual. I didn’t end up seeing Nevin, when I arrived at school the bell to head to first period was ringing. It was english, which was luckily the closest class to the front doors and I made it just on time.
My day was dull as my weekend had been and Nevin ended up having to give me some food at lunch as he had actually packed something. I could hardly get the food down as my body was adjusting to the lack of food I had been dealing with before that moment. Nevin had tried to get me to hang out with him and his friends, but I declined and found a quiet place to do some of the work my teachers had assigned.
On the walk home I walked in silence while Nevin and Chris chatted a little in front of me. Both of them were happy together, without me interfering with their lives and I’m fine with being alone. They didn’t even notice when I walked away from them and headed to the park instead. It was quiet there, nobody around besides me and the animals that live there.
I sat down on a bench and just looked around, appreciating nature and how easily it can calm me down. There was a nice sturdy looking tree not too far from me and my mind imagined me hanging from it, with a noose around my neck. This time I didn’t try to fight off the thoughts, they’d just stick around anyway. It’s just strange how fast I went from happy to suicidal and that nobody has noticed yet.
To keep me from acting upon my new intrusive thoughts I rolled up my sleeve and ripped my scabs off. Blood didn’t come out of them though and I needed blood to make me feel better, so I looked around where I was sitting until I saw a sharp looking rock. I grabbed the rock and then returned to the bench, pressing the rock down on my arm until I felt it tear through my skin. Blood spilled out much faster than when I used the razor and I pressed down harder, blood getting on my clothes.
I didn’t even hear anyone approach me until I saw Edward pulling the rock out of my hand and trying to stop the bleeding. It was weird to watch someone get so worked up over me, behind him there was another boy. I’m quite certain his name is Barry, although I don’t know for sure. Without warning Edward picked me up, making me squeak in shock and a bit of panic as the two boys took me somewhere.
We ended up at a nice looking house and the other boy opened the door, letting us in. I was placed on the sofa and I didn’t really want to move around as I was feeling lightheaded after bleeding so much. My sweater had soaked up a bunch more blood and the arm of it was a mess that would likely stain. They didn’t even try speaking to me as they disinfected the gash in my arm and then put a huge bandage over it.
“Okay Drew, we need you to talk now. Why were you harming yourself? That’s all, so I hope it’s simple enough for you to answer,” Edward moved back from me a little after he spoke and I still felt dizzy.
“I-I don’t know, I just felt like I had to. I needed to draw blood, it was the only thing that would calm me down,” both of them looked at each other and then they sat down beside me.
“From the looks of it this isn’t your first time hurting yourself, but why use that rock? You could have severed your arm if you kept going. I’m honestly surprised you didn’t pass out yet from how much blood there was,” the boy who I’m still assuming is named Barry spoke with a calm voice although he was feeling scared for me.
“I didn’t have anything else with me that was sharp and it looked like it would work, I kind of just zoned out. It happens when I hurt myself, it’s like I lose control and then there is blood all over the place. I’m feeling a little dizzy right now though,” they both got concerned over me and I noticed Edward get up.
“I’m going to be right back,” Edward said before running out of the house and I felt the urge to just collapse.
“He’ll be back soon, can you stay awake for me. We can talk if that will work,” my eyelids felt heavy and blood was starting to stain the bandage red.
“I-I’m still bleeding,” he looked down at my arm and saw the blood that had started to drip down my arm from the bandage and he grabbed a towel.
It hurt as he tied it around where my arm was bleeding from, but the bleeding wasn’t dripping out too much anymore. My head felt like it was full of cotton as I rested it against his shoulder and I could hear him try to say something, but it was muffled. Edward was back and then I was being picked up again, but I couldn’t stay awake any longer.
When I woke up I was in a room I hadn’t seen before and my arm wasn’t hurting anymore. There were people talking out in what I assumed to be the hallway, but they were too far away for me to hear them. My arm had bandages on it and there were tubes attached to my arms, that’s when I realized it was a hospital room.
A doctor came in with my brother and grandmother, they looked surprised to see me awake. Nevin ran over to me and gave me a tight hug, holding me like I would just slip through his fingers. I noticed that he was crying and his body shook with sobs.
“Drew, I thought I was going to lose you,” his crying made me feel guilty and I returned his overly tight hug with a much looser one.
Edward and Barry peaked in through the door, I gave them a small smile along with a nod. They both took that as permission to enter the room, but they remained off to the side and waited for Nevin to be done clinging to me. It took a few minutes before he let me go, his tears still making their way down his face.
“I’m sorry Nevin, I didn’t mean to worry you,” I wiped away the tears that were still making their way down his face and watched him sit in the seat beside the hospital bed.
“It’s okay, I should have noticed something was wrong. You had been so quiet and avoiding everyone, but I didn’t even think to worry about you until I found out you were in the hospital. I feel bad for not taking care of you, I promised I’d protect you but I couldn’t even do that,” Nevin was sobbing after he finished speaking, but I couldn’t reach far enough to wipe away his tears again.
“It’s not your fault, I could have tried to talk to you about it and I didn’t,” his whole body gave off guilt and worry, something he shouldn’t have to feel.
“Okay, this is going to go back and forth forever if you guys keep this up,” Edward’s voice broke through the sound of Nevin crying and I was kind of glad he had stopped the conversation between us.
“Oh um, I should thank you guys. I was being dumb and while you had enough common sense to bring me here, so um thanks,” I saw his lips move as I finished speaking, but he mumbled out what was probably a no problem or something like that.
“Drew, how about when you’re out of the hospital we spend a day doing anything you want,” Nevin suggested, now that he had mostly stopped crying.
“That sounds nice,” I gave him a weak smile, trying to show him that everything is going to be okay.
We kept talking for a while before they had to go and I got to get some sleep, along with a chance to talk to the doctors about what is going to happen with me. They didn’t tell me much besides that when they can confirm that I won’t make any drastic attempts to hurt myself that I should be able to leave. I just want to hang out with my brother again, but I know that he’ll just be worried about me until it’s confirmed to the doctors that I am doing okay.
So began the next week of boring things. Isaac, Edward, Barry, Chris and Nevin visited me a lot, especially Nevin as he came to see me every single day. The others didn’t come every day, but they gave me quite a good distraction from my boredom. I even got the chance to come out to them as I was feeling more confident about myself for some odd reason.
They all were very supportive and they told me that when I’m out we’re going to go shopping for any sort of thing I want. Plus I have no dresses, but I want some for my more femine days. Nevin made sure that they didn’t tell anyone until I’m ready to show myself to the people of school like that. It made me feel better to know that more people are on my side through all of this and that I have support for when I need it.
So after the doctors gave me the okay to leave the hospital I got to head home, there were some therapy sessions set up for me to help with me getting better since the doctors couldn’t confirm that I’d stay fine. They also put me on antidepressants, which wasn’t shocking to me after all that was going on. Nevin was very excited to take me home on the day of my release from the hospital.
When we opened the door to our house I saw everyone that had come to visit me over the course of my time in the hospital and they all had come over to see me. I was shocked by the fact that they cared enough to come over to see me on my release day. I got lots of hugs that I had missed during the lonely hours of the night.
“Well we wanted to get you something since you probably didn’t have the most pleasant time at the hospital,” they held up a gift bag and I felt overcome with happiness from how much they care about me.
“Thank you guys so much,” they sat down with me while I opened it, I had been given my bracelets by Nevin for when I left the hospital and I had the purple one on today.
Inside the bag were a few dresses and skirts that were in a few different colors, although there was a yellow sundress that stood out to me. I really wanted to try the clothes on and so after seeing all the gifts which was absolutely amazing. I went to try on the dress, it fit perfectly and was very flowy at the bottom which was just fun.
I came back to show them how well the dress fit and I saw them all with very happy looks at how I look in the dress. When I rejoined them on the sofa we turned on the PS4 and I kicked some ass in a few horror games where the goal was to survive as long as possible. They ended up watching as I played some horror games and I watched as they got on edge at the sight of me dancing around the possible jump scares.
At the end of the day I felt like all the bad feelings I had before were fading away, I have good friends by my side and they are here for me. All of them support me and want to bring a smile to my face, plus they correct themselves whenever they accidentally say the wrong pronouns for me. For once I was feeling like things will be okay in the end, no matter what happens.