Archive of Our Own

"Here. Still kind of hot, at least."

Jaehyun gratefully takes a styrofoam cup from Johnny, fingers wrapping around the warmth. "Thanks," He hums as the older settles down at the opposite side of the picnic table, taking a long sip from his own, obviously half-empty cup. "Was the cute barista there today?"

"Nope. Think he only works on weekends." Johnny answers, gives a jokingly dramatic exhale, taps thoughtful fingers against his cup.

"Well, good thing I also want coffee on weekends, huh?" Jaehyun half-jokes in return, earning a teasing eye roll from Johnny.

"Is that so?" The older muses, once more bringing his coffee to his lips. "You know, Jaehyun, the thing about exams that are three months away is, get this... You don't have to cram for them just yet. You can even get a good night's sleep too, isn't that crazy?"

Jaehyun sighs, glancing down at his lap, where he holds his coffee. He's about to respond with something along the lines of it being for the sake of actually caring about graduating from college, when Johnny's calling something out, slightly startling him.

"Mark! Hey!"

The younger glances over to Johnny, who's gaze is trained behind Jaehyun. So Jaehyun turns, expecting to see just Mark, —a mutual friend of theirs since seventh grade— though instead, the other approaches with an arm around the shoulders of Kim Jungwoo, his boyfriend, who giggles at something Mark mutters to him. Of course. "Johnny! Jaehyun! What's up?"

"Not much, dude. Are you going to Ten's party tonight?"

"Mm, think so. You bringing those drinks you got last time?"

The conversation continues, but Jaehyun seems to drown it out without trying, all too focused on him— on Jungwoo. The man with the most unfairly pretty, plump lips, with eyes that convey a natural calmness Jaehyun can't explain. A facial structure unlike any he's seen, even his hair and eyebrows are perfect, how long does someone have to spend on them to look like that? He smiles at something Johnny says, and it certainly puts the sun to shame—

"Jaehyun?" Mark clears his throat, making Jaehyun zone back in to the present, cheeks quickly heating with embarrassment. Did he have any clue what he was thinking about? God, he hopes not. "Are you uh, coming tonight?"

"No," Jaehyun forces an awkward smile, ignores how Jungwoo's eyes don't even glance in his direction. "Studying. Hope you have fun, though."

Mark smiles too, though his seems to look a little less staged. "Of course. We will for you," He nods his head in Jaehyun's direction, then looks back to Johnny. "Should get going. See you tonight, Johnny. And good luck with studying, Jaehyun."

Way to be the lamest person ever, Jaehyun bitterly thinks to himself, nods too.

Johnny has the decency to at least wait for Mark and Jungwoo to wander off together, opting to hold one another's hands instead, to chuckle, shake his head. "Man, Jaehyun, you really couldn't get any more obvious—"

"Shut up." Jaehyun grumbles, takes a sip of his now practically cold coffee.

"You should talk to him, at least."

"Talk to him?" He exhales. "He's Mark's boyfriend, I can't just—"

"He's also the person you've liked since second grade," Johnny cuts in. "And you're probably never going to see him again after we graduate, so," He shrugs, starts to stand up. "I don't know. Write him a letter or something. Gotta go, I've got class at 11."

"A letter?" Jaehyun repeats, watching the older lift his shoulders in a shrug, retrieve his bag from where he'd put it aside.

"I don't know!" Johnny reiterates. "Something to get your feelings out, or whatever. I'll be at the dorms late tonight, but I'll stop by at some point to pick up stuff for Ten's party."

A letter.

With all due to respect to Johnny, it's an awful idea. Not only is it completely betraying Mark to send his boyfriend a letter expressing the feelings he has for him, but it's just plan stupid, considering he's almost positive that Jungwoo doesn't even know much more than his name, if that.

It's always been that way. Though they've been in the same schools, the same college for what feels like a lifetime now, it's always been the same. Jungwoo never quite noticing Jaehyun, and Jaehyun simply watching him from afar, developing what's probably the worst one-sided crush in history.

They're different; that's all there is to it. Jungwoo's the type to go to the parties that Johnny does, the type to have more friends than Jaehyun can count, while Jaehyun's quite the opposite— Spending his Friday evening alone, studying for exams that are half a semester away, and he's lucky to have the few friends he does, particularly the extroverted best friend that he happens to also have as a roommate.

Through Johnny he'd become friends with Mark, who'd happened to start dating Jungwoo at the beginning of the school year, unbeknownst to Jaehyun's pathetic crush that had followed him well into college. And though with the mutual person in one another's life, they still hadn't once had an actual conversation with one another, and Jaehyun didn't expect that would change in the few months they have left of college.

And it's kind of suffocating really. Liking someone so much, for so long, and having nothing to do about it. He wishes he could just drop it, if only such a thing were that simple.

Jaehyun knows the idea of writing a letter is ridiculous, and though he tells himself that in the hours of study, cramped at the too-small desk of his and Johnny's room, he can't seem to stop thinking about it. About what it would like to finally put those years of feelings into words, to get out what he's kept inside for so terribly long. He can't get it out of his mind, focuses less and less on the notes he's trying to go over until he gives up entirely.

Maybe the idea isn't terrible if he doesn't actually intend on sending the letter to Jungwoo.

If he instead uses it as an outlet, puts all his feelings into it, then pushes it to the back of his mind. That way he isn't making a complete fool of himself or betraying a friend of his.

Surely, it can't hurt.

Opening one of the desk drawers, Jaehyun fiddles around for a black pen, eventually finding one, absentmindedly clicking it a few times in hopes of it working. He then tears a page from his nearest notebook, places it on the desk and positions the pen at the top of the page.

He exhales. Is he really doing this? Writing a damn love letter for someone he's never once properly spoken to?

Yeah. Apparently, he is.

Kim Jungwoo,
I know you'll never be mine. It's pointless of me to wonder, to fantasise, but I can't help it. I've thought of it since the day I met you, and I think of it now, even when I shouldn't. I wonder what it's like, to be the one to make you light up in the way you do. To be the cause for your smile, for your laugh, to live through the highs and lows with you. To be by your side, to hold you in my arms and to admire you up close.

I know to you, I'm just another face in an endless crowd. I know your heart doesn't race in the same way mine does when I see you, and I know your soul doesn't long for me as does mine, nor will it ever. It's foolish to ever expect otherwise, and yet I can't stop my mind from finding a possibility, a thought of a time and place in which I'm to you what you are to me.

I know it's weak of me, that it's pathetic and selfish, though I wish you could know. I wish you could feel what I feel for you, and see yourself the way I see you. I wish it could be me, telling you this in person, loving you unconditionally, though it will never be.
— Valentine.

Clicking his pen with a finger so driven from the adrenaline brought by writing the emotions of the letter it shakes, Jaehyun leans back in the desk chair he sits at, exhales heavily.

God.

He'd known whatever he felt for Jungwoo was strong, but this was something else entirely. Putting the thoughts and feelings into words was a lot heavier than he expected, and really, he can't quite work out if it leaves him feeling better or worse. Perhaps both; better in the sense of getting out the pure emotion of loving someone for the first time, and worse in the sense of being hit with the realisation of just how much Kim Jungwoo means to him.

If he hadn't already been entirely positive about not getting the letter to Jungwoo, he absolutely would be now. He couldn't imagine doing so, the fool he'd make himself out to be by sending such a thing.

He'll deal with it in the morning— By tearing it into approximately a hundred pieces and burying it deep within a waste basket, he thinks, as he lays himself down in his bed, gazes to the ceiling until he drifts to sleep, mind never once leaving the subject of the letter.

Jaehyun wakes up as he usually does on a Saturday morning. Too early, and to the sound of his very loudly snoring roommate.

He's all too used to it to get annoyed. Besides, for once he'd slept on the earlier side rather than keeping himself up studying, and feels decently rested, enough to not want to groan and cover his ears with his pillow until the snores are drained out.

Considering it's eight in the morning and the weather's half-decent, Jaehyun decides to make use of the early start, getting up and readying himself to head to the library, where, admittedly, he spends most of the weekends where he isn't cooped up in his dorm room.

After the usual routine, he sets his backpack upon the desk, sliding several textbooks and notebooks in until he notices something— Something missing.

He'd left the letter atop of the several notebooks he'd been reading over the night earlier, and yet now, it isn't there. Quickly, Jaehyun flicks through the pages of the notebooks, wonders if he'd thoughtlessly shoved it in one.

But it isn't in any of them, and upon dropping to his knees and searching beneath and around the desk, or pressing his head against the wall to look in the small crack between the wall, it isn't there, isn't anywhere.

Jaehyun exhales. There's no reason to panic. He'd had it last night. He hadn't been anywhere, surely the letter couldn't have made it's way out of the room, unless—

Oh no.

"Johnny," He makes his way over to his sleeping roommate, very clearly hungover, if not evident already from his snoring, something he only did after a particularly eventful night out. "Johnny, wake up."

The older groans, stirs, buries himself further into sets of sheets and covers of his bed.

"Johnny." Jaehyun continues, shakes him slightly, not in the mood at all.

"Jesus, Jaehyun, what time is—"

"What did you do with the letter?" The younger quickly demands, only stepping away from Johnny's bed when he begins to sit up, groaning and stretching as if he's been asleep for days on end.

"The what?" He sleepily mumbles, mid-yawn.

"Oh my god, the letter," Jaehyun sighs irritably. "I had it on the desk, and now it's not there."

"Oh! The letter you wanted me to give Jungwoo!"

"What?" Jaehyun asks in disbelief, waiting for some kind of indication the other is joking, or still half-asleep.

"Donghyuck spilt a drink on me, I stopped by the dorm again to get changed. You were asleep, but I saw the letter addressed to Jungwoo, and he was at the party, so I figured I'd deliver it to him," Johnny shrugs, as if he's saying the most nonchalant and not life altering thing possible. "Don't worry, he didn't see it was me. I just left it with his stuff."

Jaehyun's already pacing back and forth before Johnny's finished speaking. Oh no. Jungwoo has the letter, he's going to read it, he's going to know everything—

"Was I not supposed to?"

"No! You were not supposed to deliver the fucking letter, Johnny!" He's speaking much louder than anyone should at eight in the morning on a Saturday, but right now, he couldn't quite care less. "Why would I want a love letter I wrote actually sent to our friend's boyfriend?"

Jaehyun can't focus.

No matter how long he spends in the library, no matter how many textbooks he tries to study, nothing actually registers in his mind, and he doesn't end up writing anything on the blank page of his notebook beside him. His brain is stuck on that stupid letter. Why had he wrote it? Why had he signed it, even if only with a fake name?

Whatever hopes of writing it helping to cease his feelings for Jungwoo were ridiculous, even if he hadn't ended up with the letter actually sent. The other had a place in his mind, whether he wanted him to or not.

Maybe he hadn't read it. There's a chance that he hadn't seen it, hadn't taken it and seen the stupid words Jaehyun had wrote. And desperately does he try to tell himself that even if Jungwoo had read the letter, there's no way he'd have any clue that it was him. It was painfully obvious that it wasn't from his actual boyfriend— But not so much that it was Jaehyun.

He sets down his pen, held in place for the last hour yet being put to no real use. He's wasting his time, but really, he'd be wasting it anywhere with his mind like this.

Beside a small stack of unopened textbooks, his phone lights up with a notification, drawing Jaehyun's attention. He lifts it, reads over the message.

Johnny
Got the barista's Instagram. :)

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, setting the phone back down with an absentminded shake of his head, glances around.

For a Sunday afternoon, the library's on the quieter side. He spends enough time in the building to know the patterns of people, when they're there the most, and when it's half a dozen people scattered about on each floor. People like himself, he presumes, putting their entire purpose into studying, even if to a certain extent, it's not quite necessary.

Never, though, has Jaehyun ever seen Kim Jungwoo enter, and certainly not alone.

He walks through the open area of the floor slowly, in a way that tells Jaehyun he isn't here looking for a book, nor a person. And in the many years Jaehyun's seen Jungwoo from afar, he's never seen his expression so... off. He looks distant, distracted, like his mind might be as busy as Jaehyun's own. His lips possess a gentle frown, eyebrows drawn together in concentration, in thought.

Though, in the situation unlike many other, there's still some consistency, at least. Even when the other passes right by Jaehyun's table, he doesn't once glance in his direction, easing whatever anxiousness had quickly crept up on him upon seeing the other, immediate worries that he was here to confront him for the cringe inducing letter.

Jungwoo finds a table towards the corner of several shelves, takes a seat and places his bag at the table ahead of himself, and just sits, quiet, still.

Jaehyun looks over to the entrance of the library, expecting someone to follow. It makes no sense for the other to just be alone— He's always with someone. If not Mark, then one or multiple of the abundance of friends he has. Jaehyun hates that he knows this, how unfamiliar the situation is, but he does.

Though no one comes after him, and Jungwoo simply sits, expression painted with something so unrecognisable.

Frankly, Jaehyun really wishes someone would come in after him and cheer him up, because it's not like he can just do so himself. They're not friends, Jungwoo's barely even familiar with him, and not to mention the absolute desire Jaehyun has to be as far away from the other has physically possible as to avoid giving away that he'd wrote the letter. The letter— Is that why he's here, why he's upset? No, surely not.

He exhales. He should at least try to get back to the weak attempt at studying he's been doing for the past several hours, or maybe go back to his dorm to give Johnny more shit about the letter situation, but something keeps him there. Something keeps his mind on Jungwoo, on what would happen if Jaehyun were to go over and ask if he was okay. Because, he can't just leave a so obviously upset person, that doesn't sit right with him. If it were anyone else, he'd want to check on them. And it's Jungwoo, someone so consistently bright and lively—

Jaehyun is overthinking to the point of annoying himself. He stands, straightens his stack of books and lifts his bag over his shoulder. It's fine. He's just going to ask if he's okay, and then leave. Jungwoo probably won't even think much of it, other than Johnny's nerd friend checking up on him. Someone totally unrelated to the letter he'd received. Jaehyun hopes that how he'll see it, at least.

After pushing his chair back into place beneath the table he'd sat at, he cautiously follows in the steps Jungwoo had taken towards the particular table, tries to make enough sense of the jumble of his mind to work out what he's going to say.

The other has a stare trained on his hands, traces a finger over the wood of the table he sits at. He seems so focused, Jaehyun almost hates to bring him out of whatever train of thought he's in, even if it's so clearly upsetting him.

He clears his throat. Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up. "Uh, hey. Are you okay?"

Solid start, Jaehyun hopes.

Jungwoo looks up, and for what he's almost positive is the first time, looks at Jaehyun. His eyes wander his expression for a moment, before it seems to register he was asked something. "Oh, Jaehyun, right?" Jaehyun tries to ignore the way his heart surges at the simple concept of Jungwoo actually knowing his name. "I'm— I don't know."

Jaehyun's frowning without much realisation. "Jaehyun, yeah. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know," Jungwoo says again, tone soft. Carefully, he takes his bag, placing it at the floor beside himself, silently inviting Jaehyun to sit in the chair beside him. "I'd like to, I just— I don't even know if I can put it into words."

Jaehyun swallows, slowly sitting himself down, placing his books ahead of himself. "I've got time." He offers, barely believing the moment is actually real, that he's actually talking to Jungwoo.

The other averts his gaze back to the table they sit at, traces a finger over the surface again, clearly considering his words. "There's just, a lot going on, I guess. A lot I'm confused about," He speaks slowly, thinking as he goes. "It makes no sense, probably, but— I keep having these doubts about myself, about my life. If it's really the way I want it to be," Jungwoo looks like he wants to say something further, but hesitates, shakes his head a little. Jaehyun thinks for a moment, he looks like he might cry. "Sorry. You barely know me, and here I am—"

Quickly, Jaehyun shakes his head too, brings himself the slightest closer, "No, no, I offered. Don't worry about it." He reassures gently, wonders if he imagines the way Jungwoo seems to relax at the words. He desperately wants to appear calm, though his mind runs wild— Why is he here? Telling this to Jaehyun, and not a friend, not his boyfriend? Does it apply to them? To Mark? He's thinking all too deeply about it.

"Thanks," Jungwoo softly says. "Have you ever... felt that way?"

"Doubtful about myself? Of course," Jaehyun breathes, wills himself to look in a direction other than Jungwoo's for a few moments. "I spend my weekends in a library and my nights studying. Safe to say I wish I was a little less lame, sometimes."

Jungwoo gives the smallest hint of a laugh, shakes his head. "That's not lame. It's better than parties and bad grades, at least," He clears his throat. "I wish I could be a little more like that."

"You can be however you want to be," Jaehyun contributes with a gentle shrug, though it's very much contradictory to what he'd just said about himself. "What do you like to do?"

The other exhales, leans back in his seat, rests hands in his lap and fiddles with his fingers, watching the movement. "I barely even know anymore. I like reading, I don't even mind studying that much, but I never seem to. I like to cook. Singing, sometimes. I like... Peacefulness, I guess. Quiet. Not— Not really parties, and so many people," He shakes his head. "I don't know."

Jaehyun tilts his head. Though it's all new to him, to how he, —or anyone, he imagines— views Jungwoo, something in particular stands out. "You like to sing?"

Jungwoo looks to Jaehyun, their eyes meeting. And maybe it's something so minimal, but for the moment it lasts, Jaehyun feels like the world slows around them— Like only Jungwoo matters. Jungwoo, his eyes, his lips.

What is he thinking? This is his friend's boyfriend. He's probably crossed all too many lines already.

"I do. Is that as lame as spending your weekend in the library?" Jungwoo asks, spirits seeming a little lighter with the question.

"No," Jaehyun chuckles lightly. "Actually, I kind of like it too. I took lessons as a kid, but it never really went anywhere since I was too shy to sing in front of anyone. I uh, like all the things you mentioned, really."

"You do?" Jungwoo questions.

"Yeah, I—"

"Oh, shit," The other mutters, glancing at his phone. "I've gotta go. But— This was really nice. Talking. Thank you, Jaehyun." Jungwoo tells, rising to his feet and retrieving his bag, all while Jaehyun's still kind of bewildered over Jungwoo actually knowing his name.

"Yeah," He says again, nods and urges a friendly smile to his expression. "Of course."

Jaehyun is overly aware how bad of him it would be to not only write, but send another letter to Jungwoo. Whether the other had seen the first one or not, he's done more than enough potential damage with it. Yet, he can't stop considering a second letter.

In the days that pass after his conversation with Jungwoo in the library, he can't stop thinking about him, about the acceleration of his feelings and how he desperately craves putting them into words again. And selfishly, he wants Jungwoo to read those words. It surely makes him the worst friend ever to Mark, who he shares a class with on Tuesday, and talks to him as if nothing's wrong, all the while Jaehyun's racked with guilt.

No matter how long he spends trying to convince himself otherwise, he knows it's wrong to write another letter, to send one. But eventually, he decides he needs to. He needs to get these feelings out somehow.

In a morning before class, where he has a few minutes to spare, Jaehyun settles at his desk, drowning out the sound of Johnny watching something on his laptop in the background, and positioning a pen against a page he'd taken from the same notebook as last time.

Kim Jungwoo,
Why is it, that no matter how much I try, how long I try, that I can't stop myself from feeling the way I do? If anything, the feeling of longing within my chest only increases with every time I see you. Your presence gives my heart a soul a purpose, and I know it shouldn't. I wonder if it will ever stop, if there'll be a tomorrow where I feel less strongly than I did yesterday.

Every little thing about you lingers in my mind, in the deepest parts of my heart. Approaches every thought of mine like a sunrise anticipated after the darkest night. And though I know that all of you is nothing but a distant dream in possibility, I can't stop myself from wishing for it.
— Valentine.

Jaehyun clicks his pen, drops it into his bag. Absolutely does this make him a horrible person, he knows that. But he's bottled these feelings up for so incomprehensibly long, the thought of releasing them is almost irresistible.

So he stands up, neatly folding the paper. "Johnny?"

"Mm?"

"Can you give this to Jungwoo the next chance you get? You know, without him seeing, preferably." Jaehyun exhales, hears the older pause whatever video he's watching at his bed and sit up, clearly curious.

"Oh? Another letter?" He raises an eyebrow when Jaehyun hands it to him, trying to be as nonchalant as possible about the movement. "What happened to the guy that was screaming at me at eight in the morning for giving him the first one?"

"Good question," Jaehyun mutters, approaching a mirror Johnny kept in the corner of their room, fixing his hair. "I don't know, I just— I don't know. I guess it's not... hurting anyone, really. And you were kind of right, about it helping and all." He shrugs, undecided on whether or not he should mention his encounter with Jungwoo in the library.

"I'm always right, Jaehyun. You should know that by now," Johnny answers in amusement, places the letter at his nightstand. "I'll make sure he gets it, Mr. Valentine."

The younger groans, shooting a glare in Johnny's direction. "You read the first one?"

"How else would I have known it was for Jungwoo?" He hums. "You're kind of screwed if he ever finds out your birthday and puts two and two together, you know."

"He won't." Jaehyun answers, confident in it. The moment between them was a one-off, surely. Jungwoo would never care for him beyond that, he's positive.

Jaehyun's mind seems to get more clouded with every day that passes, more busy with thoughts of Jungwoo, of the letters and how he desperately wishes he could know how the other reacts to them, that it's a miracle he doesn't walk directly into someone on his way to class.

As he enters, beelines towards his usual seat, he notices Mark at the chair beside his own, for once earlier than himself. The other seems to brighten when Jaehyun approaches, placing his stuff down.

"Hey." Mark greets, and Jaehyun nods a little as he takes his seat, brings a hand through his hair.

"What's up?" He questions casually, hoping the other will go deep into a recollection of a much more interesting week he'd had than Jaehyun did, and briefly distract him from the weighing guilt he feels whenever Mark is around.

Though, quickly does Jaehyun pick up that the answer isn't going to be something he expects. "The usual I guess, but— Actually, uh, me and Jungwoo broke up last night."

Jaehyun's heart drops. Oh no.

This has to be his fault. The fucking letters, it must be—

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that," Jaehyun says in his best attempt at a calm tone. "Did something happen?"

The question feels stupid once it's left him. Way be obvious, Jaehyun. He should have asked if Mark was okay, made it any less apparent that he had been sending his boyfriend love letters.

The other doesn't seem bothered by it, or upset in the slightest, actually. "Not really. I guess it was kind of mutual. We wanted different things, worked better as friends."

"Oh," Jaehyun dumbly says again. "So you guys are both okay?"

"Yeah, of course." Mark hums, opening his notebook and readying a pen for their lecture to begin, though Jaehyun feels like he's frozen in place.

It's not his fault, he doesn't even know if Jungwoo's read the letters, yet why does he still feel so much like it is? His mind is stuck on it, on thoughts of this all being in some way tied to him, even though it was mutual, and even though Mark didn't seem in any way bothered, nor suspicious.

Jaehyun spins a pen between his fingers, tries to take in the words on the textbook page he's been open to for the last hour.

It seems there's less of a point every time he makes a visit to the library, continuing to get less done and waste more time thinking the same thoughts that have plagued his mind for the past days since Mark had told him of his and Jungwoo's break up.

He doesn't know what's worse— The fact he still can't dismiss the worry that he's somehow responsible for such, or that he wonders, so distantly in his mind, if he has the slightest more chance of Jungwoo being his than he ever has before.

He's all too wrapped up in his thoughts, enough to barely take notice of someone sitting beside him, quietly clearing their throat to get his attention.

"Jaehyun?"

Jaehyun looks up, gaze finding Jungwoo. Maybe the surprise is evident in his expression, because the other smiles timidly, fidgets slightly in his seat.

"Jungwoo," Jaehyun slowly says, in mild disbelief that the male he's been hopelessly crushing on for the majority of his life is sitting with him. "Hey."

Jungwoo giggles a little, clearly not taking the surprise to heart, and Jaehyun thinks it might be the most rewarding sound he's ever heard. "Hi," He answers, resting his arms on the table ahead of himself. "I know this is kind of random, but... Do you think we could study together? Be friends, even?"

Jaehyun's all too quiet, so Jungwoo continues. "I just— I've been thinking a lot since we spoke. It was really nice, I don't really... get to talk to other people like that."

Is Jungwoo nervous? Talking to him?

Jaehyun must be dreaming, or something else that makes more sense than this moment being real.

"Yeah," He finally exhales, realising he's been holding his breath for quite a while now. "I mean, yeah, of course. I'd love to be friends. And we can definitely study together, and talk more."

He doesn't even have much of a chance to dwell over how stupidly robotic his words sound, because Jungwoo's smiling at him, a smile that looks so real, and makes Jaehyun's heart skip a beat.

Regardless of how much of a normality it becomes, it never quite feels like it. Jungwoo being his friend, spending time with him. What starts as meetings to study in the library, or quiet settings around campus, to getting coffee together, to hanging out at one another's dorms and watching movies together.

It all feels too good to be true, something that Jaehyun could have only imagined in his wildest dreams a month ago.

He'd always known Jungwoo was lovely, but now, spending practically entire days with him, he's almost positive that he's the best person he's ever known. He's everything good and more, a soul that can make the whole world seem brighter without even needing to try. And he can so clearly see that the other is changing, becoming the person he wants to be, doing what he likes to do.

And Jaehyun can't help it— He keeps writing the letters. Everyday he falls more for Jungwoo, finds more words he wants to say, more feelings to express. He knows he can't just tell him, he's lucked out enough in having him as a friend.

But there's the slightest part of himself that wants Jungwoo to know it's him, for the sole reason of wondering how he'd react, what he'd think of Jaehyun knowing he's been the one writing the letters that keep finding their way to him. The rest of him is fairly terrified of losing the friendship they'd built, expectedly.

They're sat amongst one of the prettier, secluded parts of campus, a small seated area surrounded with trees, a place they'd taken a liking to in their time together.

Jungwoo hums thoughtfully to himself, rereading over notes, decorated in various colors of highlighters and sticky notes.

It seems to slip Jaehyun's mind just how quickly exams, —and graduation— seem to be approaching, and that feels all the more terrifying when he considers how little friendships are actually likely to last after college, after people move away to find jobs and start families.

He should be revising his own notes, he's well aware of that. And yet, his gaze stays on Jungwoo, watches how the other focuses on the page ahead of him, how his eyebrows ever so slightly furrow and his jaw tightens. He's so pretty, so effortlessly endearing.

Jaehyun still can't make sense of how he ended up in such a friendship with Jungwoo, yet his mind always seems to wander, to what it would be like to have more than just a friendship with him.

Jungwoo suddenly exhales, closes the notebook he'd been reading from, startling Jaehyun a little, effectively bringing him out of his thoughts. "Can I tell you something?" Jungwoo asks, and Jaehyun can't place the tone, quickly giving him an abundance of nerves.

"Sure." He answers, closing his own notebook and placing it beside himself, sitting straighter.

Jungwoo seems hesitant, shakes his head a little. "It's gonna sound really stupid."

Jaehyun chews at his lower lip for a moment. "It's not, Jungwoo," He reassures, turns so he's sitting completely facing the other. "You can tell me."

There's a few seconds of silence and stillness before Jungwoo leans to his bag, retrieves something. When he straightens, Jaehyun realises what it is he holds all too quickly— The letters.

Four of them now, all folded neatly, which Jungwoo places between them.

Jaehyun's heart races, his head feels light. He knows, there's no way he doesn't. He knows he'd wrote those letters and has probably absolutely ruined the friendship between them.

"I started getting these a while ago. They're— Love letters. I guess. At first I thought maybe it was Mark, but they're nothing like him. Nothing like anyone I know, really," He explains, trails a finger along the torn edge of one of the papers. "God, I know it's ridiculous, because I don't even know who they are, but— They're beautiful. No one's ever even spoken to me like this before, and I can't even write back to them, because I don't have a clue who they are. They sign off with 'Valentine', and I don't even know what that's supposed to mean because it's May, and I just... I feel this connection to them. Is it even possible to love someone that you don't know?" Jungwoo sighs, shakes his head.

Jaehyun's mind goes into overdrive. For the longest time, he'd been doubtful Jungwoo had even been reading the letters, and now, he's telling him all this, telling him he might even love the person behind the letters, the person that's him.

Before he can even make sense of his thoughts, or what on earth he's supposed to say, whether he should confess then and there, say something else, Jungwoo's phone makes a loud noise, cutting through the silence that had settled over them.

The other lifts it, expression falling after reading something. "It's Donghyuck, I'm late for class," He shakes his head, hurriedly taking the handful of letters and placing them back in his bag. "Sorry, I— Just forget I brought this up. See you, Jaehyun."

Jaehyun's left dumbly sitting there, still and silent, before something processes in the mess of his thoughts, tells him to say something. "Jungwoo, wait—"

But the other's already hurrying off towards his class, out of earshot, and shortly after, out of sight.

Days of racking his brain, of pacing around until Johnny's throwing pillows at him to stop, has lead Jaehyun back to the place he always seems to come back to— His desk, paper and a pen ahead of him.

He wants to tell Jungwoo. Wants to confess, and if there's any negative aftermath that comes with it, he'll take it. He so badly wants Jungwoo to know, but actually achieving that might be the most nerve-racking concept he's ever considered.

But now, he thinks he's made sense of how to approach it. With fingers shaking with anticipation and adrenaline, Jaehyun readies himself to write his final letter.

It's possible.
— Valentine.

That's it. Three words, but it certainly gets the point across.

With that done, he lifts his phone from the desk, types a quick message to Jungwoo.

Jaehyun
Can you come to our place?

He's not sure when exactly the small section of campus had become 'their' place, but there was something so intimate about it, about even the indication that it was for them and only them.

The response soon comes, making Jaehyun exhale quietly.

Jungwoo
Sure, be there in fifteen.

He can barely make sense of the fact that it's happening. Jungwoo's going to know it's him, and always has been.

Jaehyun stalls just a little longer than necessary, fusses over making sure the letter is folded precisely, that his hair looks half decent and that the desk is neat, before forcing himself to leave, to walk the several minutes it takes to get to their place.

Still, he manages to get there before Jungwoo, and spends the waiting moments that feel agonisingly long idly standing, admiring the surrounding trees, the clouded afternoon sky.

Soon enough, the other is there, quietly approaching. He looks like he's on the verge of saying something, but something about Jaehyun stops him, makes him slow to a stop so they're standing just a few feet away from one another, atmosphere awfully silent.

Jaehyun takes a long breath— Reminds himself of everything leading up to this. The progression of their friendship, the moments they'd shared, how Jungwoo had opened up to him the first time they'd spoken. And more than anything, what the other had said about the writer of the letters, the word he'd used. Love.

Carefully, he takes Jungwoo's hand, and in it places the folded paper, lingers on the feeling of their skin brushing so delicately against one another's.

Jungwoo frowns softly in confusion, but a moment later his expression tells Jaehyun he might know what everything means.

Slowly, Jungwoo unfolds the paper, and Jaehyun watches as he spends all too long reading the few words on it, almost as if he's waiting for more to appear. He's positive his heart might leap out of his chest any second now.

"Your birthday is February 14th, isn't it?" The question comes without Jungwoo even looking up from the paper, and if Jaehyun hadn't seen his lips move with the words, he wouldn't even think he'd said it.

"Yeah." He answers softly, practically whispering.

Finally, Jungwoo looks up to him, and Jaehyun's face to face with the person he's positive he's fallen in love with. With eyes that hold so much emotion, with the prettiest lips he's ever seen. With a smile and a laugh that can light the darkest of days, with a heart that can heal all.

"I hoped it was you." Jungwoo tells him, and Jaehyun barely processes the words, their meaning.

"You did?"

Jungwoo smiles, and Jaehyun thinks it might be the most relief he's ever felt.

"I did," He confirms, slowly takes Jaehyun's hand in his own, holds onto it carefully. If butterflies are a thing, Jaehyun absolutely has them at the gentle contact between them. "The first letter— I thought it was some kind of joke. But then I started to talking to you, and the letters kept coming, and I just... In the back of my mind, I really hoped it was you, Jaehyun," The other looks to their hands, and Jaehyun feels a gentle squeeze of his own. "I didn't exactly love the person behind the letters. I loved the possibility that it might be you."

Jaehyun's breathless, and whatever coherent thoughts he'd had earlier are completely gone, replaced with something else, a mess of euphoria and everything positive he can name. And like the idiot he is, though his mind is a jumble of words, of things to say and ask, only one question seems to find it's way past his lips. "Can I kiss you?"

Jungwoo giggles. "You can."

Jaehyun doesn't give himself the time to dwell over not having much of a clue as to how to kiss someone— He just does. Steps closer, brings his free hand to Jungwoo's cheek, and kisses him then and there,

Naturally, Jungwoo's hand, still holding the letter, settles against Jaehyun's chest, and he relaxes underneath the touch, with the feeling of their lips against one another's.

Something Jaehyun very quickly realises after the day of writing his final letter, is the nature of truly loving someone. Loving them more with every day, with every moment of time spent together, every conversation shared between one another. Even with Jungwoo, someone he's so positive he loves as much as he can physically love, he still finds something more to love him for, a little habit, a gesture, a saying he's picked up on, the way he thinks. There's always something more to love with Kim Jungwoo.

On the day of their graduation, when they finally become official, Jaehyun thinks there isn't any possible way he can love Jungwoo anymore than he does. Not when the other looks impossibly beautiful when he's as happy as he is at the mention of the word 'boyfriend', and not when Jungwoo practically leaps onto him, wrapping arms so tightly around Jaehyun that it hurts— But he can't quite care less.

And yet, Jaehyun still loves Jungwoo more and more.

Their first real date, sat on the roof of Jaehyun's car, doing nothing but watching the sunset together, admiring one another's company, he loves him more.

He loves Jungwoo more, when they first cook together, and Jaehyun's teasing the other for being a show-off and Jungwoo gets so distracted he ends up accidentally cutting his finger, which Jaehyun profusely fusses over for a good hour.

With every night they spend with one another, watching movie after movie and eating their weight in popcorn and pizzas, Jaehyun continues to love Jungwoo more, more than he can even grasp as a concept, as anything he thinks any person has felt before.

And when they first sing together, several hours into a roadtrip to accompany Mark and his new boyfriend Yuta on a double date, when Jungwoo decides on putting on a Disney playlist— Jaehyun's more positive than ever that he's the one he wants to marry. The crush he'd thought was hopeless, effortlessly turned to knowing such a thing.

So Jaehyun does, two years later. Marries the love of his live, and vows to spend the rest of his life with him.

The same week of their wedding, they move into their first house. Jaehyun thinks maybe it'll be the home they start a family in, but with Jungwoo, there's no rush. There never is. It's just the two of them, at their own pace, and that's all that ever matters.

Jaehyun sets the last of their boxes on the kitchen counter, giving a dramatic huff. The moving process is absolutely exhausting, but he loves every moment of it, all because it's with Jungwoo.

"Tired already, old man?" Jungwoo appears behind him, tugs on his arm to guide him towards their recently placed couch. "Because we still have the unpacking part to do, you know."

"Oh? I'm old now?" Jaehyun teases, easily convinced to follow Jungwoo, who releases him to flop backwards on the couch, still stiff with newness.

"You sure act like you are." Jungwoo agrees, giggles as the other settles at his side, rests his head at the back of the couch, before turning to face him a moment later.

"Well, it's a shame you married me then, since you're stuck with this old guy." Jaehyun urges Jungwoo closer, takes his hand, cheesily
presses a kiss to the knuckle beneath his wedding ring.

"Eh, I married you for your way with words," Jungwoo smiles, and just as the first time Jaehyun had seen such a thing, it still fills his stomach with butterflies, makes his heart race a million miles an hour. "Valentine."

Jaehyun doesn't even bother to tell Jungwoo to shut up, he prefers to do that by kissing him anyway, though not until he's first pressed a kiss to the other's temple, muttered a sincere, "I love you."

"I love you too, Jaehyun." Jungwoo responds, and no matter how many times Jaehyun hears it, they're still his favorite words in the world.

With that, Jaehyun kisses Jungwoo, closes the space between them and encourages the other to shift closer. It's soft, gentle, and brief, and for a moment they seperate, linger inches away from one another's face before they're kissing again, a little more heated, a little less cautious.

Jungwoo hums, shifts a little backwards so Jaehyun can move closer, half-hover over the other, deepen the kiss in the slightest.

"Cut!"

Jaehyun feels fingers at the hem of his shirt, slipping beneath the material of it, another little noise from Jungwoo when fingertips make contact with his skin—

A distant voice clearing their throat. "Cut!" Comes again. "We uh, only needed the kiss scene, guys. Nice work."

Jaehyun breaks apart from the kiss, sitting himself up.

Right. Directors, cameras, microphones, lights— Acting.

Acting, all of it. That's all it is. All fake, all scripted, all written, all directed. All a product of a cheesy romance story with the kind of happy ending that never comes in real life.

Though the scenes well and truly over, his lips still sting with Jungwoo's taste, his heart still beats within his chest from the touch of the other, he still finds himself craving more, more of a release to all the tension that comes with filming something with a person that feels so damn real for months on end, long enough to almost convince himself that all of this isn't a product of creation, of inauthenticity.

They seperate completely, give small nods to one another before they're swept away by different sets of producers and stylists. Someone asks for Jaehyun's prop, and he just blinks, before he processes— The ring. The ring that felt so natural sitting at his finger was nothing but a prop. His outfit designed, his makeup and hair done to a ridiculously specific detail, and his relationship with Jungwoo, all for the sake of a role.

Jaehyun's had half a dozen lead roles before, all like this, all with other pretty, talented co-stars, all equally as cheesy and romantic, yet never has he felt so... incomplete after filming such.

He's painfully used to the celebrations that come with finishing filming, and as the main role for the majority of them, Jaehyun's expected to enjoy it— And most of the time, he can at least pretend he is, but not this time.

There's something about it all that leaves him feeling so empty. And he doesn't know why, really, a romance series about love letters definitely isn't something he has an emotional attachment to.

He leaves as soon as he gets the chance to, slips out of the building and brings fingers through his hair, exhales heavily. It's just another thing to add to his resume, but why does he feel so fucking bad about it all ending?

Jaehyun navigates through the parking lot, eventually finding his car, shuffles through his pockets for his keys.

"Jaehyun!"

He looks up, recognising his name in the other's voice all too well. Sure enough, when he fixes his gaze in the direction he'd heard, Jungwoo comes into view, making his way over. "Hey, uh— You're leaving early too?"

Jaehyun clears his throat. It's well into the night, and frankly the nearby streetlight isn't doing shit to lighten the parking lot, and yet, Jungwoo is so effortlessly beautiful. This is his co-star, someone he's done nothing but acted with, and yet, here he is, practically speechless in his presence. "Yeah," He forces out. "Not really feeling it tonight."

Jungwoo nods warily, looks around, though the area's deserted. "Neither."

Jaehyun imagines the conversation will end there, it's all they've ever had around set, in the moments between filming, though a moment later, the other continues, looking a little hesitant, contemplating his words. "I really um, enjoyed working with you," He licks his lips, glances to the side, then fixes his gaze to the ground. "I know this... everything, it's all just— Pretend, and all. But you'll remember this role, right?"

The older blinks. What does he mean by that? "Of course I will." He sincerely tells regardless, has the sudden urge to meet Jungwoo's eye, but doesn't. Off screen, away from cameras, this is practically a stranger. Nothing more than a co-worker.

He wonders if the promise means anything. Remembers something a friend had said once, about never being able to truly trust an actor.

Jungwoo exhales like he's been holding his breath. "Okay. Me too."

And that's it— Jungwoo leaves, goes to his own car, leaves Jaehyun stood in the parking lot for what's absolutely too long.

And remember Jaehyun does.

Well into his career, through dozens of other roles, other on screen relationships, everything in-between. He remembers Jungwoo, remembers the one role that felt so painfully real.