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Raven stared at the ceiling. Streetlights flickered off as the early morning sky shifted to a soft indigo. Summer lay beside her; her soft, cyclic breathing counting down the moments before her alarm would sound. The baby monitor remained blessedly silent.
This was the time of day Raven prized most, whether she wanted to be awake for it or not. The gentle rise and fall of her lover’s breaths beneath the sheets, one arm draped over Raven’s waist; the silence of the world around them, the haze of her waking mind guarding her against the anxieties that skated around the periphery. She was safe in this moment out of time.
Until she wasn’t.
Soft snuffles from the baby monitor turned to adamant whimpers. Raven’s whole body tensed at the sound. We just did this two hours ago. Yang, please just let me have fifteen more minutes-
Summer stretched, moving onto her side to envelop Raven in her arms. Raven burrowed into the touch, savoring the final seconds of warmth that the morning would bring.
Rae, she’s hungry.
When is she not hungry?
Summer pressed a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek before rolling out from beneath the covers. The bed felt so large without her there and the feeling brought tears to Raven’s eyes. She buried her face into her pillow to hide them. Stupid, so stupid.
Babe, I’d feed her if I could, but I can’t. Do you want me to bring her in here? Would that be easier?
No, no, gods, it’s fine, I’m getting up.
I’m going to go get breakfast started. I’ll have tea ready shortly.
The whimpers turned plaintive as Raven padded down the hall. She entered the room and lifted her daughter from the crib, hush, hush. It never ceased to amaze her how such a tiny being could produce that amount of sound, but it drove a dagger of shame into Raven’s heart that her daughter’s cries made her want to run as far away from them as she could.
She nestled her daughter against herself and sank into the armchair. Her body ached. All of the books and the doctors had said that feeding was essential to the developing bond between mother and child. Raven had no idea what was wrong with her. It had been easier when Yang was a newborn, but now that she was nearing five months and that much stronger, more demanding, Raven couldn’t stand the way her skin shot through with electric anxiety just to provide her child’s basest need. At least she wasn’t screaming anymore.
I’m trying to love you, sunshine. I just don’t know how.
Downstairs, Summer clattered around in the tiny kitchen. The tea kettle whistled, followed by the sizzle of bacon in a cast iron pan. It was only Wednesday, what the hell was Summer cooking a full meal for? She had to be at work in an hour. Raven bundled Yang up and headed down the stairs.
Babe? What’s all this?
Summer turned from the stove, beaming at Raven. She gestured towards the table where a mug of hot tea and a small cup of sliced strawberries and melon awaited her. Raven slumped heavily into the chair and Yang babbled happily, recognizing Summer’s voice. Her lover scooped Yang from her arms, kissing the crown of her head before settling her into her high chair, then returned to Raven’s side with a plate of bacon and eggs. Summer tilted Raven’s chin to meet her and Raven tasted earl grey and sweet cream on her lips. The world felt stable for a brief moment.
Your favorite breakfast. What does it look like, silly?
Yeah, but why?
Because I love you.
Tears pricked at the corners of Raven’s eyes. No, she wasn’t going to cry again today. It wasn’t even 8am yet. She nibbled at a piece of bacon, watching as her daughter wrapped her tiny hands around Summer’s fingers, squealing in delight. The soft nonsensical tune that Summer sang wrapped its way around her heart and squeezed painfully. The bacon lost its flavor and she choked it down.
You should have been the one to carry. Not me.
Why do you say that?
Because. Look at you. You know exactly what to do. She loves you.
Gods, Rae, she loves you too. You’re her mother, after all.
I can’t do anything right. I have no clue what the hell I’m supposed to do. I thought this would get better. It’s supposed to get better, right?
Raven’s throat burned; she could feel the corners of her lips pulling downward. Dammit, she wasn’t going to cry, not again-
A warm, soft hand slipped into hers and Raven gasped out a sob. She couldn’t keep her emotions from her lover, not anymore. Summer drew Raven tight against her, combing her fingers through her long, dark hair. She felt stupid and selfish. She was supposed to be strong for the three of them now, not soft and weak and unable to make it through breakfast without breaking down.
Summer, I’m trying so hard, please believe me.
I know you are. I think, maybe, you’re at a point where you can’t keep forcing yourself to be okay. This is more than just the baby blues.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I’m broken or something. Moms are supposed to instinctually love their children. I love her, but it’s like I just don’t know how to love her. I’m scared that I’ll never have the connection you have with her.
Summer was silent for a long moment, but her comforting touch continued to skate along Raven’s scalp.
I’m going to call out from work today. I think we need to talk to someone who knows more about this than we do.
Like a shrink?
Maybe. We’ll see what your doctor says. More than anything I want you to be happy. For us to be happy. All three of us. You’re not broken, Rae, things are just a little off right now. We’ll find our balance, I know we will.
Yang slapped her hands against the high chair and huffed out a small laugh. Raven wiped her eyes, turning to look at her daughter at her play. A spark of warmth ignited in her heart as Yang smiled broadly, dimples dotting her tiny cheeks. She made a mental note to remember that sensation - that powerful need to protect her own that came in short and halting bursts - for the next time the emotion eluded her. Raven was going to get past this...whatever this was.
She’s beautiful, isn’t she?
Yeah. She takes after you.
Flatterer.
It’s true!
Whatever.
Can it, you. Now eat your breakfast. I have some calls to make.