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Tsukishima is honestly almost impressed.
Almost to be emphasized.
Maybe distraught would be more befitting.
He is very distraught, because it should not be humanly possible for his teammates to have enough energy, after the long day they´ve had at this godforsaken training camp, to suggest a round of Truth or Dare -- and have everyone agreeing.
That´s why he´s got to sit there, when all he wants to do is go the fuck to sleep already. He doesn´t need to see Noya trying to balance a volleyball for one minute on his nose nor does he want to know about Suga´s first crush on a girl in middle school.
He doesn´t want to be here, in general.
In particular he does not want to sit in a circle around a stupid water bottle, that could, because chances often just happened to be so shitty for him, end up pointing at him. Tsukishima was very certain he had been cursed with bad luck, because why else would he end with teammates like Hinata, Kageyama and Tanaka?
Considering on how many different schools they could have went to instead-
And of course the bottle ends at him this time.
"Uhh!" Noya, who had spun the bottle, called out excitedly. A wicked grin appeared on his face. "Finally!"
"Truth." Tsukishima says with a bored voice.
The louder members of the team immediately protest, of course, but he doesn´t care. They can call him a pussy as much as they like, he honestly doesn´t care.
He´s surprised any person is stupid enough to actually choose Dare in this game.
Truth was way less bothersome after all. It wasn´t like anyone would even know if you actually said the truth or not.
Noya was still yelling at him- or maybe he thought he was talking normally, because it seemed like Noya´s only speech mode was yell.
"You can´t be so lame, Tsukki! Man up a little, will you?! You´ll never be as cool as I am otherwise!"
"What a great loss indeed." Tsukishima said with scathing sarcasm. "And it´s Tsukishi-"
"Did you just say, I´m not cool! That´s, that´s just - not cool man!"
Tsukishima resisted the urge to roll his eyes at this stunning lack of vocabulary.
"Hold on, Noya!" Tanaka grabbed a hold of his best friends´ shoulder. "Don´t you realize what a golden opportunity this still is?!" He didn´t say "to embarrass him", but that was totally implied. He leaned closer and they whispered for a moment.
Daichi frowned at them, while Asahi watched them with worry. Or maybe even fear. "You guys better don´t-"
However, before Daichi could hinder them, Noya quickly yelled out his question: "Tell us about your first wet dream!".
Tsukishima had to admit, the reactions were quite funny.
Suga, Asahi as well as the more sane second years all had the decency to have looks of varying degrees of mortification or resignation, Daichi looked ready for slaughter, Hinata and Yamaguchi wore faces of shock. Kageyama was the best, he stared at the floor and scowled as if he was constipated, an emotion Tsukishima would wholeheartedly return, if he were to expect hearing the setters wet dreams. He propably dreams about volleyballs, Tsukishima thought with disgust.
Daichi was currently yelling at the idiots for such an inappropriate question, but obviously Noya wouldn´t budge. "I asked him!" The small libero jumped to his feet. "He has to answer!" He grinned triumphantly.
Tsukishima looked up at him, which was truly a strange feeling, he noted with amusement. "To your exact request?"
"YES! MY EXACT WORDS, SIR!"
Tsukishima scoffed at the ringing in his ear and shrugged lazily. "Fine, whatever."
Daichi blinked. "You know, you really don´t have to-"
"It´s fine." Tsukishima tells him. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Yamaguchi raising an eyebrow. He probably wondered what Tsukishima was planning. Well, he´d find out presently. He turns to his two senpais who wore shit-eating grins.
"So my first wet dream,huh?
Sure, I´ll tell you: It existed.
Duh."
"WHAT?!" Noya screeched. His expression was actually hilarious. "YOU CAN`T SERIOUSLY THINK YOU`LL GET AWAY WITH THAT!"
Tsukishima smirked up at him. "You asked me to tell you about it. Well, I just did.
You never said I have to say what it was about or anything like that."
"That- That´s so unfair!" Noya screeched and probably would have tried to attack him - again -, if Daichi didn´t go inbetween them.
"Enough of this!" He sayed in his scary tone. "From now on, nothing sexual or too personal anymore, are we clear on that?!" Noya and Tanaka, the only likely culprits to do either, both nod despondently, shrinking before Daichi´s might.
Tsukishima now spins the bottle. It lands on Kageyama. The setter regarded him cautiously for a moment, then actually pulls enough smarts together to choose Truth, despite Hinata calling him a scaredy cat for it.
Tsukishima was a bit disappointed. He had hoped for a chance to kill Kageyama. It was that thought that led him to his question. "If you wanted to murder someone, which method would you choose?"
Most of the others snort, Asahi looked vaguely threatened, Daichi raised an eyebrow. Tsukishima just shrugs. He didn´t acutally want to know anything from Kageyama after all.
Kageyama had his head tilted to the side and actually thought about it.
Tsukishima figured something stupid would eventually come out. Maybe him trying to use a volleyball to clobber somebody dead- but what eventually came out was quite something else.
"Take a hair pin and stab their throat artery." Kageyama says, as if its the most normal thing in the world.
Asahi shrieked in fear. Suga, who had been taking a sip from the water bottle (it was actually his) choked and broke into coughs. Hinata and most of the others looked positively terrified.
"And where did you pick that up from?" Tsukishima refused to believe something so refined actually came from an idiot like Kageyama himself.
Kageyama blinked. "My sister said she´d do that to people who try to hurt our family."
That actually caused more guffaws then the statement before.
"You have a sister; Bakayama?!" Hinata stared at him with round eyes. Tsukishima, for the first time in existence and hopefully the last, could actually relate with him. He had been convinced that the King was the prototype of the spoiled only child. The thought he had siblings was a bewildering one.
"Yeah." Kageyama said easily, unaware that everyone was staring at him as if he´d just grown a second head. "Miwa. "
"How old is she?" Ennoshita looked at him curiously. Kageyama frowned. "I thought Truth is just one question?" he asked.
"We´re just curious, Kageyama." Suga smiled gently.
"Hm. She´s older than me." Kageyama offered awkwardly. "She´s a hairstylist."
"Oh, wow! That sounds so cool!" Hinata screeched. "Does she also play volleyball?"
Something in Kageyama´s face seemed to constrict. The change was barely noticeable, but suddenly his expression was closed off. "She used to." He quickly said and then leaned forward to spin the bottle. Well, it seemed like something wasn´t so peachy in the Kageyama household. But Tsukishima had no intention to pry into that. He didn´t need to know and he didn´t want to.
The bottle drew its circles and finally came to rest pointing at Yamaguchi.
The boy twitched nervously at that and of course chose Truth. He waited for their setter to speak up, Kageyama however only frowned at the floor.
Tsukishima coughed slightly. "You´re supposed to ask him something, King, you know?" He says with a lazy smirk. "Have you not understood the rules of the game yet?"
Kageyama turned to him with a glare, irritation flaring up in his blue eyes.
"I know!" he barked. "I just didn´t know what to ask him-but you know what, I know now." Tsukishima raises his eyebrows, but before he can push in another snide remark, the other ripped his head back to Yamaguchi yelling at him like a possessed demon.
"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN FRIENDS WITH TSUKISHIMA?!"
Something in Tsukishima seemed to freeze over. Suddenly, he felt tense. He didn´t know why.
He told himself, he didn´t know why.
He eyed Yamaguchi from the side, who was just sitting there, openmouthed and dumbfounded. What are you going to answer? The voice awakened in his head. Somehow, his chest feels a bit too tight.
The fact that everyone is kind of eyeing Yamaguchi as well, because apparently they all think this is actually a really good question, but tried to hide their interest, does not help to alleviate his tenseness.
"Um, uh." Yamaguchi stutters. "I- I don´t think I can just answer this like that-- I mean, uh, I could, but like, I would probably talk the whole night...?"
Tsukishima isn´t sure if that answer relieves him or makes his chest even more heavy.
So, he couldn´t just say "because he is a nice guy and I like him"? The nasty voice asked again. He pushed that voice away. There was nothing wrong with their friendship.
Yamaguchi wouldn´t have stuck around so long with him if there were any doubt in that!
Luckily, Kageyama did fall for this pathetic excuse of an evasing maneuver. He really was just that dumb.
"I don´t want to sit here all night." He huffed.
And shrugged. "Just tell us how you guys saw each other for the first time, or something."
That was a harmless question. And it´d be over in just a minute. Tsukki, me, gym, volleyball, the end.
It was a bit easier to breath now. Though he couldn´t help but notice that everyone looked slightly dejected at the change of question. Well, didn´t that<\em> make him realize how well liked he was.
Weirdly enough though, Yamaguchi didn´t just get it over with in a minute.
Instead of just talking and telling what happened, he shuffled awkwardly around.
"Um...", he mumbled. He looked almost... embarrassed?
Tsukishima frowned. What was there to be so embarrassed about?
Sure, Yamaguchi had been kind of puny when they first met, but it wasn´t like they would know this from just hearing him talk. His behaviour was making absolutely no sense to Tsukishima.
"Actually, eh...", Yamaguchi was nervously wringing his hands now and he shot Tsukishima a sidelook that was almost... apologetic?
"What´s the matter, Yamaguchi?" He scoffed, annoyed that he was acting so weirdly. It made everyone eye them. They probably thought their first meeting must have been god-knows-what by now. "Should I tell them or what?"
Yamaguchi winced. "You see, Tsukki, the thing is...". He looked at his hands in his lap with a strange smile that Tsukishima couldn´t place. And then he looked up at him and talked so fast, that he had trouble to follow his friend´s words: "The thing is, you can´t tell them, because you don´t actually remember, when we first met!"
He stared blankly at him. What he just heard made no sense. Or did Yamaguchi seriously think he had actually forgotten their first meeting? Was that what he thought of his friend?
"Huh?" He must have looked somewhat angry too, because Yamaguchi squeaked in fear.
"It´s not your fault, Tsukki! I mean, if I were in your stead, I´d probably just forget as well! It was not really a big deal anyway!"
"But what the hell are you even talking about?!" He snaps.
He tries not to sound accusing. All of the others are staring at them with wide eyes by now, looking back and forth between them. It was probably the closest they had seen the two to actually arguing.
Tsukishima felt oddly defensive throughout all this.
Meeting Yamaguchi had, after the incident, probably been the most impacting experience of his childhood. It was... well, a precious memory by now, though he would´ve never had expected that wimp of a child to stick around with him the way he did till this very day.
And now that was supposed to be a lie?!
Yamaguchi looked nervous. He rubbed his arm and looked into the round, where everyone watched with silent confusion.
"Um, I guess I better just tell you and get this over with."
He took a deep breath.
"Um, so, when I was young, I was... eh, pretty tiny and weak. "
Tsukishima already frowned. Why in the whole world would he tell his team that, voluntarily?
Hinata had perked up slightly though. "I can´t even imagine you small!" Hinata called out. "You´re so tall now!" Kageyama scoffed. "Some people actually grow <\em>, Hinata." "Oh, so you´re saying I-" Suga silenced them with a huff. "Guys, can we please let Yamaguchi talk?" Hinata deflated immediately, mumbling an apology. Yamaguchi only chuckled, before he concentrated back onto his story with some hesitance.
"During groundschool I often --"
He broke off for a moment and stared down at his lap. When he spoke up again, his voice was barely audible.
"The boys in my class bullied me."
He could see Suga´s face take on a concerned and sympathetic look, but he didn´t bother to check for anybody else. It was deadly silent in the room. The light hearted game had somehow turned to something way different now.
Tsukishima was staring at Yamaguchi. At the same time, some strange unrest started to fill him, like something way in the back of his mind starting to twitch. He felt hesitant, almost frightened. Where was this story leading to...?
Yamaguchi wouldn´t make all this up, not when it obviously caused him so much pain to tell it. So did that mean Tsukishima actually had...?
"-They often waited for me, until we were out of sight from the school and where no teachers would pass by who could help me."
Yamaguchi sighed softly. Tsukishima had seen his friend sad or anxious a thousand times already, but he had never seen such a look of defeated resignation on him before.
His stomach churned and he had to grit his teeth, realizing what impact these bullies probably had had on Yamaguchi´s mindset.
"That day-", Yamaguchi looked up again.
"They caught me on a playground, where I sometimes played before going home.
And, well, frankly said, they were about to beat the shit out of me, when Tsukki happened to walk by there."
Tsukishima gaped. His mind was on high performance, desperately searching his brain for something, anything-
Yamaguchi smiled. "He didn´t exactly help me-" At that, Tsukishima felt ten pair of eyes glaring at him- "but he stopped and looked at us!" Yamaguchi quickly added. "Tsukki was really tall, even back then, so they were a bit scared of him. One of them even thought he was a six grader already, until another one recognized him. Anyway..."
There was something fond in his expression now, nostalgic even.
And then Yamaguchi chuckled, like someone who doesn´t want to laugh, but can´t help it, because what he sees is just too ridiculous. Tsukishima has the bad feeling, that this is about him.
"What, what?" Hinata blurted, apparently not able to stand the suspense anymore, despite how it earned him a stern look from Suga."What happened? Did Stingyshima save you after all?"
"Kind of." Yamaguchi grinned. "He just stood there and said "How lame"." He full on laughed now.
"To be honest, I don´t even know if he meant my bullies, me, or just all of us, but it was enough to stupify them. It scared them off, miraculously, despite the fact that he was alone and they were three..." Yamaguchi tilted his head thoughtfully. "In a way, these guys were kind of wimps as well, I guess."
"But I got rid of them that day, at least." He smiled happily again.
"Funnily enough, just a day after that, I met Tsukki again at the volleyball court, that I wanted to join."
"Oh, and then you became actual friends through volleyball?" Suga was smiling. Yamaguchi nodded and flashed his 1000 watt smile. "Exactly!"
Suga flashed 1000 watt back and gushed: "That´s so cute!"
"But how horrible that you got bullied." Asahi said apologetically. "I´m so sorry to hear that Yamaguchi." "Yeah!" Tanaka hollered. "I´d punch their faces off!"
While everyone agreed and/or told Yamaguchi they were sorry to hear that he had been bullied, no one paid mind to Tsukishima having a minor mental breakdown in front of them.
How in the whole world had he just forgotten all that?
He actually vaguely remembered having encountered some guys bullying a kid at the playground once upon a time, but that was supposed to have been Yamaguchi?!
No matter how hard he tried to remember this kids face, he just couldn´t. It was as if there was a hole in his brain, where his face was supposed to be.
But what he suddenly remembered, as clear as day, and that suddenly, after almost seven years fell into place, was the little Tadashi, bowing and thanking him for something when they, out of Kei´s perspective, had literally never met before.
He remembered Yamaguchi being startled, but letting whatever he had been "mistaken" about slide without resistance.
Why? Why not tell him immediately?!
Why did he always let everything pass so easily?
"Ok, but." Noya spoke up and started laughing. "Can we talk about how Tsukishima literally just forgot about all this?"
Tanaka snorts. "Yeah man, do you have amnesia? Or Alzheimer?" They broke out into giggles.
Actually everyone, Yamaguchi included, seemed to find this rather amusing.
Tsukishima did not.
Not at all.
There was something clawing at him from the very bottom of his conscious being, where he usually pushed these thoughts off into, alongside the emotion trying to fight its way up to reach him.
But he had never approached them and he was not going to now, so he did all he knew to do with them: he pushed.
Yamaguchi himself had said it was no big deal that he had forgotten the very first time he had met his only friend and had forgotten that he had apparently saved him from some bullies as well.
It was no big deal.
It was fine.
There was nothing wrong with their friendship after all.
Tsukishima looked at his friend.
He suddenly remembered the first question, the question he had refused to answer.
Is that why you stayed? The voice in his head asks.
Because I could keep the bullies away from y-
Tsukishima pushes harder and Yamaguchi spinned the bottle for the next round.
The rest of the game washes past him and he remembers nothing of it. His luck is not only bad, but also a sadist, because for once, he would welcome the distraction of another Truth, or even a Dare, but because fate hates him, the bottle does not land on him again for the whole rest of the game. Neither on Yamaguchi, but he is fairly thankful for that.
He does not need any more life-shattering revelations for this night.
He barely manages to keep the first one pushed down.
That´s why he is inwardly deeply thankful, when Daichi decides to be an old man and sends them to bed at just 11. He has never been more relieved to just lie down in the dark not needing to associate with anybody anymore.
At the same time, the darkness isn´t distracting him either, and the thoughts come back up with full might again, how they sometimes do when he is unguarded.
He should´ve expected that, considering what he had just learned.
The thought from earlier comes back to him.
Why are we friends? He asks an imaginary Yamaguchi in his head.
Why did you stay? Why are you still here?!
Because we´re friends. Kei answers himself. We´re friends, and obviously we´d stick together.
But he doesn´t manage to make it sound like Yamaguchi talking in his head.
But there´s nothing wrong with our friendship. He tries again.
We´re good friends. Best friends, even.
But ultimately, do you even know each other all that well?
Kei clings to his sheets. He skips that one and pushes it away.
Do you ever even seriously share anything more significant then daily random things?
Kei tries a different approach.
Yamaguchi would´ve told me already, if he had a problem with anything.
Hadn´t he looked pretty scared, when you snapped at him earlier?
No person would be able to bear a situation so long, if they truly were unhappy.
Maybe he stayed, because the benefits still overweighed the costs.
No.
Usually, this was where the thoughts would find an end somewhere, because there was no solution, but also no reality in making Yamaguchi an antagonist. But now there was a new thought.
Maybe you were a good shield for him.
Yamaguchi was not like that. He was a kind soul.
He wouldn´t do that…
He just stuck around because he thought you were "cool".
And what was wrong with that?
He doesn´t feel like he´s equal to you.
That´s not Kei´s fault. Yamaguchi´s insecurities aren´t his problems. They´re not caused by him--
Are they not?
Kei pushes back.
Do you remember the first time you told him to shut up?
Kei actually does, but he doesn´t want to remember Yamaguchi´s face dropping it´s smile, looking shocked, hurt even.
He knows I don´t mean it that way.
After all, nowadays Yamaguchi often just giggled, whenever he said it. He didn´t really take it all that seriously.
Maybe his bullies also told him to shut up back then too?
Another new question and it makes him tense up.
Kei wasn´t bullying Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi understood that, obviously, because otherwise he wouldn´t have stayed.
So you think, Yamaguchi actually realizes he has a choice there?
That´s also something he needs to push down as deep as he can, because it leads to a completely different chain of questions about the general state of Yamaguchi´s mental health and he simply can´t adress that.
He has no right to pry. Yamaguchi has never adressed the issue either, allthough there had been instances between them that couldn´t really be explained normally.
If Yamaguchi did not want him involved in that, he had absolutely no right to involve himself in it.
Because he´s scared of you.
He´s not.
He just isn´t.
He´s scared you´ll think he´s "lame" too-
No.
Another cutoff.
It´s not even a real possibility. Kei would not do that.
And you think he knows that?
Tsukishima pushes again. It´s getting too close to the core.
Maybe you actually did mean both of them, not just the bullies, but also him.
So what? What did it matter now?
Why was this so important to him anyway?
He had not known of this for almost seven years now, so it had obviously not had any meaningful impact on their friendship whatsoever.
But maybe it has.
What do you even know about what this might have meant for him?
You realize the impact his bullies had had, but you think you have not had an impact?
This is something he can´t answer.
He could ask, perhaps.
He knew, he wouldn´t.
It would lead to a rat´s tail of other issues he knew they should talk about.
The very core, the darkest hole were he always pushes it into.
Just talk. Clarify.
Understand.
Are you content with our friendship?
He knows he won´t.
Investing too much in a friendship, it was just like with volleyball. It was stupid and would only ultimately lead to more hurt.
Still sometimes he wondered what Yamaguchi would think about these thoughts, were he to share them. Maybe he would be weirded out.
"That´s something you think about? I literally never even considered that-"
"Woah, easy. I mean, yeah, it´s sort of true, but I mean- It´s ok, I know it´s not your fault-"
"... You only now realize you´ve been treating me like shit for years?! "
"Huh? What? "
The last one actually seems the most likely to him.
Yamaguchi would just be surprised. Because he wouldn´t be able to wrap his head around the idea, that Kei spoke up about something so deeply personal.
Something that so deeply frightened him.
Kei never shared anything with his best friend.
Is he your best friend?
Yamaguchi would probably say yes immediately, but was that even true?
They never shared anything more personal than their grades on the last test.
They never adressed issues.
Are you even content with how we are?
He would not adress that.
If something was bothering Yamaguchi, he should speak up about it himself. It wasn´t Kei´s job.
And he was content.
Everything was fine, to him.
The voice in his head was deadly quiet.
He pushed.
He pushed hard.
I don´t need to hear you. He seethed in his mind.
I don´t care.
There was really only one person who´s opinion on all this he actually cared for.
But he knew, he would never talk to him about all this.
He suddenly remembers Kageyama, so boldly demanding an answer, shaking him to his core.
"Why are you even friends with Tsukishima?!"
Why are you friends with me? Why are you? Why?
The thought repeated in his head like a mantra.
Why couldn´t have Yamaguchi actually answered that question instead?!
Why did he dodge?! Was he really such a scaredy cat?!
Tsukishima stopped his trainwreck of thoughts, his hands clenching into his blanket.
How lame.
So he was mad at his friend, because he refused to answer a personal question asked by a stranger in a dumb game that was not supposed to be taken seriously, a question Kei never dared to ask for himself and never would.
How truly pitiful.
How truly lame he was.