Chapter Text
Tony gasped as he woke up, nearly choking on the mouthful of freezing air he sucked in. He panted, eyes frantic & searching for someone, anyone to help him. He laid defenseless and broken on the ground, weighed down by the suit of his own design. He was unable to sit up, let alone grasp for the release levers he’d built in. His whole body felt covered in an icy fire, lighting up every nerve ending as he felt the names burning themselves into his back. He screamed…Natalia…Clint… he bit down hard on his tongue…Wanda…Samuel….Scott…he screamed again, throat burning…Steven…Jame—everything went black.
⎊
Tony woke next to a soft beeping and stiff sheets. He blinked repeatedly, allowing his eyes to adjust to the clinic white lights above. Pepper, Rhodey! his mind screamed upon seeing the two of them seated in armchairs across the room. Pepper was beautiful as always despite the red rims around her eyes. Guilt surged through him at the sight. He’d hoped he was done making her cry for one lifetime. Rhodey looked at her thoughtfully, a slight smile on his lips as they finished their hushed conversation.
“H-hey you two,” he barely managed to choke out. Both of their faces whipped towards him, each flowing through a flurry of expressions until they finally settled on relief. Before Tony could even process some clever quip, he was covered in careful but passionate hugs from the two loves of his life. The two names above his heart burned softly at the affection.
The three of them spent the rest of the night together. Tony didn’t think he went more than two minutes without one of their hands on his arm, face, or hair. He noticed each of them absently running their fingers over their hearts. He smiled softly thinking of his own name, permanently imprinted on each of them. Undeniable evidence that two people out there loved him enough he became a constant on their body.
They spent nearly four nights reminiscing: Tony’s MIT shenanigans, Rhodey’s drunken week in Mexico, Pepper’s early days as Tony’s PA. The warmth that spread over his heart was stronger than usual & he whole heartedly welcomed it. If he focused on it enough, he could nearly forget what was just waiting for him on his back. He finally got the clearance to go home after nearly a week of being there. His chest was bandaged, a dark and distinctly shield-length mark across the majority of it from where the metal of the suit had bent into him. The shield, he finally remembered he hadn’t asked Pepper where they put it.
Much to his annoyance and even more to Vision, Rhodey, Cho, and Pepper’s insistence, Tony spent the next week at the compound doing nothing.
“My hands are literally aching to touch circuit boards and metal, Pep,” he pleaded for the dozenth time on the fourth day.
“Read. My. Lips,” she shot back, “no work until you’re healed.”
Healed.
What a stupid concept.
Tony’s smaller scrapes & bruises healed quickly, but his largest scar & the names wouldn’t be leaving his body. Ever.
It took him all of ten minutes to sort out the Rogues’ location. Rogers had sent him a damn letter for god’s sake. Tony would be lying if he said he wasn’t the least bit hopeful when it first arrived. He thought maybe Steve had realized some of his fault in the situation. Maybe he regretted fighting and nearly killing the person he was supposed to love. Maybe he regretted choosing his friend over his partner.
But that was a lost cause, clearly. After only a few sentences Tony realized the letter wasn’t sent for his sake, it was sent to ease & reaffirm Steve that he’d made the right decisions. Never mind the fighting, never mind the lying, never mind the hiding. His chest and back burned together full force at Steve’s words, “if you need me, I’ll be there.” Bullshit.
⎊
It took two months and a slightly embarrassing amount of favors to get the accords back in order. Tony worked as close as you can over video chat with the Wakanda King, T’Challa. When the man wasn’t running around in a cat costume, he was actually pretty alright. Well, he was actually incredibly polite, intelligent, and maybe a little bit of everything Tony wished he could’ve been but there’s no reason to think about that, is there?
He worked regularly with Peter, who’d refused the invitation to officially join the Avengers but Tony refused to let work fully alone. Peter was every bit and more intelligent that Tony had thought he was. If inviting him to the labs and making him things started out as guilt from involving him in the Avenger’s drama, it quickly morphed into an effort to keep the boy close and safe.
Between King Kitty Cat and Tony’s large and almost entirely over priced team of lawyers, they managed to work out a proper route for the rogue’s returns. Said route did include probations & limitations, but the fact there even was a route to begin with was something Tony felt they should be grateful for. But at the moment, that seemed doubtful.
“Fri, honey you there?”
“Of course, boss.”
“Can you put in an order for the cleaning crew to ready the other Avengers’ bedrooms? And I’ll need to place an order for a larger grocery haul this week.”
Friday hesitated but responded, “Can do boss, but it is it really necessary for them to return to the compound? I’m certain there are comfortable enough jail cells in the immediate area.”
Never let anyone say my AIs have no personality, “You warm my cold, half dead heart Fri,” he chuckled, “but we’re going to have to face this one head on.” With that, he pushed away from his desk and headed down to the lab for preparations.
⎊
They returned on a Saturday: three months & two days after the events of the “Civil War,” or whatever the hell the media had dubbed it.
Tony was filled with nothing but a numbing anxiety. His entire back felt like it was on fire. He’d be coming face to face with his former teammates, friends, and partner. People that chose to blindly follow Steve. Not that Tony had been completely right either. He was scared and felt incredibly guilty for the destruction he & the others had caused. The deaths they couldn’t prevent. The people they couldn’t save.
The accords did need to be amended, which he’d known from the beginning. He’d reassured Steve they’d be able to put in the safeguards they needed, not that that ended up changing anything in the end. Maybe he should’ve explained more, maybe not.
Maybe nothing he could have said would’ve helped.
When he’d first told Rhodey and Pepper about the pardons they were… less than happy about them. From what Tony remembered, there was a little ‘Tony what the hell are you thinking’ mixed with some ‘Steve almost killed you! Barnes killed your parents!’ and a little bit of ‘is it your mission to destroy yourself?’ sprinkled on top. He didn’t—and couldn’t—explain to them what he felt. How much guilt, how much responsibility he felt for not only his teammates but the world. How he’d spent nearly his entire life in a desperate attempt to forget he existed, only to be have his life quite literally blow up in his face. How much—no matter what his personal problems were—he couldn’t risk leaving the earth’s best & only defenders scattered across the globe.
Tony didn’t tell them any of that, though. He knew what they’d say, ‘it’s not your fault, not your responsibility, you can’t save the universe’, etc etc. Nothing they could say would make a difference, so Tony opted for the simpler (though still true) reasons: Clint & Scott had families, he had regrets for how things were handled, Barnes needed help, & the Avengers needed to rebuild the best they could.
And despite how naïve it made him feel, there was still that lingering part of him that still so desperately craved the idea of a family he could’ve had. His chest was littered with the reminders of how much he cared for those people. And no matter how much it bit it back, there were still varying degrees of love there, which somehow managed to make everything hurt even more. No one’s ever said Tony Stark was a genius when it came to people. Quite the opposite, actually.
Steve stepped off the plane first, flanked by Natasha & Sam. Barnes followed quietly and closely behind them, eyes locked to the ground. Wanda and Clint followed side by side, fighting for the title of ‘who can glare at Tony Stark harder.’ Scott followed like a puppy, glancing around at everyone with a neutral yet pleased expression. Tony was surrounded by an assembly of his own. Rhodey stood stiffly at this right, sporting the newest yet still flawed pair of leg braces. He’d fought Tony for 45 minutes to wear one of the repulser watches before Tony had given in and handed it to him. Vision was at his left, slightly hovering with his trademark blank expression. Pepper, Hope Van Dyne, Laura Barton, Harley (visiting on school break) & Peter in full suit made up the rest of the group.
Clint’s glare dropped instantly when he spotted Laura and Tony could tell he was holding himself back from sprinting to her. Huh, Barton holding back, that’s new.
Shocker, Steve was the first to speak. “Hi Tony,” he had the decency to look sheepish, “it’s good to see you.”
Tony heard Rhodey’s not-so-subtle scoff and Peppers low growl that was usually only reserved for sexist CEOs. He opted to ignore Steve for the more, let’s say diplomatic approach of addressing the group.
“Hello all. I know most of you are familiar with the compound so I’ll spare the tour. If you’ll all follow me I can explain the details of the deal,” that worked my ass off to get for you.
The rogues just stared at him. He continued, “Lang, you’re free to stay and talk your details out with Hope. Barton, same for you with Laura. The rest of you can come with me.” He turned and walked away, not checking to see if they were following. Rhodey followed with him, given him side glances every few moments as if he was expecting him to break down any second. He wasn’t, he was busy floating around in plausible deniability land of his own feelings. Pepper, Vision, & the kids stayed back with the couples. Steve, Barnes, Natasha, Sam, & Wanda said nothing as they made their way through the compound, though Tony doubted they didn’t notice the changes he’d made.
After fixing the lovely Vision-sized hole in the ground Wanda generously created he took the opportunity to remodel. Everything was warmer: gone were the modern metal accident and cool tones. After nearly freezing to death in the Siberian snow, Tony was oddly enough quite sick of gray and white. The floors were a deep and warmer brown wood, the cabinets updated with the same toned wood. Gone were the large white overhead lights, exchanged smaller overhead lights and lamps. The furniture was overstuffed & littered with blankets and pillows. It was actually sort of cozy now.
“Alright I think you can take these and sort out the ways back to your rooms. They should be exactly the same, I didn’t touch anything,” he announced once they finally reached the large dining table. It was covered in an array of new gear. Folded suits made of bulletproof meshed metal, a lighter & more durable set of flacon wings, a set of cuffs Strange helped design to channel Wanda’s magic, a set of new lightweight arrows & bow, new Widow bites & discrete blades, and multiple new large & polished guns.
“Tony I—did you make all these?” Steve asked, looking across the table in astonishment.
Tony shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets so Steve couldn’t see him digging his nails into his palms. “Strange helped with the cuffs, T’Challa with the suits. Everyone needed new gear,” he kept his voice forcibly even.
Steve looked up at him with such gratefulness it made Tony squirm & reached out to touch his arm. Tony clenched his teeth tightly and fought back a flinch. “Really, thank you.”
“’s nothing,” Tony pushed out. He moved out of Steve’s touch quickly and retreated, “alright I’m heading back to the lab to help Bruice bear, I’ll see you all when I see you.”
He moved quickly, trying to hold back the panic he felt with Steve so close to him. He evened out his breathing, allowing himself to lose the straight faced mask he was sporting during the whole conversation.
This wasn’t going to be easy.
⎊
The first week went by quickly. Mainly because Tony locked himself in his lab and refused to come out. Yes it was childish, but he allowed himself to take the week and pretend he was still alone. Of course that solitude wasn’t realistic for the long term (why didn’t he keep a bigger stock of emergency coffee down there?) so when he heard a variety of voices coming from the kitchen, he kept moving instead of turning back and running. When he walked in almost all conversation ceased. Wanda had an odd look on her face, but at least it wasn’t a scowl. Steve & Barnes stopped talking from their spot near the island as soon as Steve made eye contact.
Tony ignored them all in favor of the coffee he sought. When he turned his back to the machine most of the conversations quietly started back up again.
Steve approached his left side and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Tony, can we talk? You've been avoiding us all for a week now.” Tony jerked his shoulder out from under his hand and ripped open a sugar packet.
“Look,” Steve continued in a low voice, “I know we ran into a lot of problems together.” Tony held himself back from scoffing.
“But we’re a team, a family. I just want to get back to that.” Steve’s eyes were dark and somber, reflecting the grief he felt for his team. His team, his family, Tony thought. That didn’t include me.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do, Rogers. You all made your beds, made your choices. It’s a miracle you’re even in allowed in the states anymore. Well, my miracle I suppose.”
Sam interjected from somewhere behind him, “Hey, Stark. You know that’s not fair.”
“The bastard basically thinks he’s a god” Clint hisses, clearly still very bitter by Laura’s request for separation. “He’s not going to tell us anything.”
“Why not?” Wanda interjects. “Stark, it is the bare minimum that you explain your actions. Attacking James and Steve without warning is incredibly unjustified. I don’t understand why you think you don’t have to face consequences.”
Tony raises his eyebrows and smirks, Steve meets his eye line with a pleading expression. “You didn’t tell them.” It wasn’t a question.
Steve hesitated for a moment, “I thought it’d be best if we explained it together.” Tony’s smirk faded as fast as it had appeared.
“Bullshit. It’s been three months, Rogers. Three months of lying to your so-called family. Years of lying to... whoever the hell I was to you.” Steve’s expression was pained.
“Stark, what the hell are you talking about?” Sam asks with his arms crossed. “Please don’t do this here Tony,” Steve whispers.
Tony’s face is inches away, “tell them, or I will Rogers.”
He turns on his heel and walks out.
⩔
The weeks after the interaction in the kitchen were increasingly tension filled. Stark was barely around, and when he was Steve either looked like he was going to cry or strangle the man. He refused to go into any detail about what had happened in Siberia, despite Sam’s repeated questions. Steve was visibly uncomfortable every time he brought it up.
Sam wondered what could’ve happened between the time Tony had come to him, asking him sincerely where to go so he could make sure his boyfriend had the backup he needed to now, where Stark wanted nothing to do with Steve.
He’d had effectively one actually conversation with the man since he’d arrived at the compound again. It didn’t necessarily answer many of his questions.
“They’re a stronger carbon fiber variation. It’s not as strong as vibranium, but Wakanda keeps a pretty tight hold on that.”
“Thank you Stark, really thank you. I can’t say I understand why you made these, or why you even pushed to have us here in the first place.”
“It’s complicated.Wait never mind that’s a stupid answer. Look, I have no interest in being ‘buddy-buddy’ again. But I also don’t want this dramatic, drawn out ‘civil war’ or whatever the fuck it is. It’s not going to help us from potential threats from god knows what planet. Plus, it wouldn’t take someone that long to figure out where you guys were hiding. It would’ve been a legal nightmare. For now, just take the suits and the tech, train as much as you want, and spend your time doing whatever you want. I don’t frankly care. I think it’s better if everyone just stays out of each other’s way, except on the battlefield.”
“Did you say that to Steve?”
“Do you really think he’d accept it?”
“No. I guess I don’t.”
⎊
Tony bit his tongue for most of the meeting against all instinct. He was tired. Tired of speaking over and over again and never getting to be heard. He let Rogers spew his sanctimonious bullshit about leaving the past in the past and doing what was best for his friends. How the hell did Tony put up with this man for so long? He wondered.
“—and that’s exactly why we shouldn’t do that. We should stick to the old rankings, it’s just going to be confusing if we start switching up how the team operates. And I—“
There was that damn word again, team. He used it constantly, replacing it with family if he really felt like driving a point home. They’d never been anything more than a glorified school project. The living embodiment of the Island of Misfit Toys. Natasha only trusted Barton, possibly Steve. Barton only trusted Natasha. Thor trusted everyone. Bruce trusted no one. No one trusted Tony.
He felt stupid for even thinking there was a possibility for a real team. New York & a few decent missions fooled him. No, that’s not true. Tony guessed he knew the entire time they’d never work. But he loved the idea of them, the idea of having a family, and he had the fucking names to prove it. At least now he had some people around him he trusted. Rhodey, Pepper, and Happy were always there and always would be, that was clear enough at this point. Vision, despite his strange origin, held the same place in Tony’s heart as his AIs. Plus that damn Jarvis voice always made his chest warm and burn. Peter and Harley felt close enough to be his own kids and even if Tony acted like the cool uncle more than a father, it was pretty clear they both saw him that way. Hope was smart, seemingly trustworthy and filled with daddy issues not unlike Tony’s.
Tony had enough family at the moment.
“Tony? Tony can you not ignore me.” Tony looked up and realized most of the table was staring at him. He blinked and answered Steve “Sorry, what was the question capsicle?”
Steve’s mouth twitched at the nickname and he sighed, “what is your stance on returning the avengers to their normal rankings?”
“I’m sorry, but didn’t you notice a few extra friendly faces around this table? We’ll need to restructure no matter what.”
“I’m aware of that, but I think they should be additions into the structure we already have in place”
“We don’t have a structure in place right now. Haven’t for three months. Half of you all fucked off to Wakanda for a while, forget that?”
The rogues eyes widened and Steve leaned closer into the table, “I didn’t think you knew where we were.”
Tony fought back a laugh, failing to keep up his cool façade. “Of course I knew where you idiots were. It took me 10 minutes for fuck’s sake. You sent me a letter Cap.” He sat back in his seat and rubbed his face, “I didn’t want to deal with you all until I was partially healed and could figure out the accords. Plus didn’t want to cause any trouble for Hello Kitty.”
“Partially healed?” Steve said quietly.
Natasha spoke over him, “If you knew where we were why didn’t you let us know?”
Tony tilted his head as he made eye contact with the spy, “Oh and say what Natalie? ‘I know where you all are, can’t wait until we’re together again so we can be back to a family?”’ He stood up fixing the blazer he wore over his Slayer T-shirt. “Cap you can do whatever you want with the structure of the team, hell make me a fucking consultant for all I care. I’m just sick of talking about it.” He moved to leave but Steve shot up and grabbed his wrist, “what do you mean partially healed?”
Tony looked down at the hand on his wrist feeling the burn on his back. He ripped it from the super solider’s grasp. “Oh, so sorry you managed to not realize the pressure of a vibranium shield on a fucking metal suit pushing down into a man—fully human—man’s chest might do a little damage?”
No one spoke, hell it seemed like no one breathed. Tony lifted his t shirt up, careful to keep the names burned above his heart concealed. He gestured towards the scar. It was 7 inches across, still a relatively fresh reddish pink color. His stomach and mid chest were covered in additional small scars from the former arc reactor and the various times he’s been kidnapped or tortured. “You did quite a number on me pal, Cho’s still trying to figure out how the hell to keep my heart beating the next few months.” He dropped the shirt, staring at no one but Steve.
“I—Tony—I...” he stuttered, “why weren’t you honest with us?” Well, that’s possibly the most infuriating statement anyone’s ever said.
Tony wanted to scream, wanted to punch Steve in that stupidly perfect super solider face. He ran his hands over his face and quietly chuckled to himself, humorlessly. When he spoke, it was steady, “why wasn’t I honest, interesting choice of words Cap. I’m assuming you still haven’t explained anything to these fine people?”
Steve didn’t response, just stared at him with that pained, sad expression that made Tony’s chest burn every time.
Everyone looked incredibly confused, except Barnes. He looked... guilty? Tony stared at him for a second, and he gave the smallest nod. ‘go ahead’ it seemed to say.
“I went to Siberia to help Rogers and Barnes. Zemo had already been there and rigged a trap. He played the video of my parent’s car accident.”
Wanda’s gaze slightly softened her brow raised.
“It wasn’t an accident. The Winter Solider killed my parents. I attacked Bucky, we all fought and I was left there in a disabled suit until Vision found me.”
Vision had been quiet for most of the conversation but softly nodded and looked down at his lap.
“There’s your honesty Cap,” he let a bit more venom into his voice now, “I’m not surprised your rules don’t extend to yourself.”
Steve’s grip on the table made the wood splinter. The Rogues looked at Tony wide eyed, except for Barnes and Natasha. They just looked ashamed.
Tony straightened, pushed in his chair, and left.
⎊
“I was only ten when it all happened.”
Tony nearly choked on his tea, spinning around to see Wanda in the corner of the living room, sitting with a book.
“I didn’t understand why the next bomb didn’t go off, why Pietro and I lived. I thought later it was destiny, that we lived to help Strucker. Then, Ultron.”
Tony slowly, carefully padded over to the common living room, hovering near the furthest chair from her.
“I was stupid. I was selfish.” She sighed deeply before continuing, “I still harbor so much hate for you and your name in my heart. I cannot get rid of years of distain.”
Tony stiffened, preparing to leave and alert Friday as soon as he was in the hall. “But,” she looked up at him wide eyed, “I’m trying to.”
Tony brow furrowed, “uh, what? Why?”
She stared at him, eyes large with exhaustion, maybe even remorse slipping through. “I asked Friday about you. She was hesitant at first, she thought I was trying to get information to harm you.”
Protective Friday as always, Tony thought.
“She eventually let me in, though,” Wanda’s hand slipped around a mug of tea next to her and took a sip, “and I saw... things. Steve never dealt very deep into you and would get frustrated when one of us asked. I didn’t know about your parents until last night. I cannot judge you for your reaction, we all know I would’ve and have done worse.”
Tony swallowed hard, eyes softening but still cautious.
“Friday would not explain much about your relationship with your parents, your father. But she informed me of your typical... tendencies.” She paused, sipping her tea again and somehow softening her gaze even more. When she spoke, her accent slipped in deeper but lost the edge it typically held, “you make and buy things for people when you don’t know how to show love, you reject those around you before they get a chance to reject you, she seems to think you forgive too easily.”
Tony wanted to speak, wanted to ask what her angle was, but he just sat and clutched his mug tightly.
“I have never been one for processing loss. I don’t know exactly how to communicate love at this point in my life. Vision is trying to help, but I’m fearful everyday I’ll lash out too much and he’ll leave me. I’m trying to understand you, Tony.” This was the first time she’d called him anything other than Stark since they met.
“I... also saw something else.” She hesitated and looked to the side, ashamed. “I didn’t intend to, but my magic acts up as I sleep. It still could possibly be a dream, but I can typically tell the difference once I’ve awoken. I saw that...” she looked down and softly shook her head.
Tony finally found his voice though it came out as nearly a whisper, “Wanda, what did you see?” The name on his back burned more intensely with his rising anxiety.
“I saw me. My name. I saw Virginia, Jim, Harold, Obadiah, Aldrich, Samuel, Scott, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Howard, Maria, Jarvis, Ultron, Loki, Thor, Vision, Peter, Harley, Margaret, James, Steven...”
Tony sucked in a sharp breath, everything’s out in the open, he thought, she’s going to tell Steve and the rest of them, I’m going to be even more of a laughing stock. Pathetic Stark, can’t even get his names like a normal fucking person.
Wanda spoke softly, “I didn’t know you could have the same names for love and fear marks.”