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You watch as the train pulls up to the platform and try to avoid being squished as you board. It’s the same group as always during this time of morning. The mother with her newborn child, the businessman who always seems to be on an important call, kids who go to your school, and kids who don’t.
Of everyone, you always seem to spot Akira first.
There’s this stale tension lingering in the air - like this period of silence should have passed by now. It’s asking you how long can you blame him within reason?
You see him staring at you from the corner of your eye. He motions slightly as if to find his place by your side once more before backing down and turning away. Par for the course, you suppose. He never initiated anything in your friendship before ; why would that change now?
Your pace is quicker than normal as you exit the station and make your way to Shujin. It's easier to pretend that he couldn’t easily catch up with you, and less painful to deal with the reality that he won’t take the first step to repairing your friendship. His cat meows loudly and you wonder if he’s still wearing that obnoxiously eccentric collar you bought him. He had clawed at it like a madman while you and Akira had laughed so hard your stomachs hurt and you could barely see straight.
“He’s gonna stand out more than any black cat ever should,” Akira had said to you.
You quickly wipe the mist forming in your eyes at the resurgence of old memories.
You enter the class room and take your seat. It’s two spots back and four to the right of Akira’s. He acts like you aren’t there as he walks by. You act like he means nothing to you.
Kawakami goes on about something or other in school related news. Haven’t you heard this before? The days have been blurring together more often recently. Your mother tells you going outside will help, but you’re too busy laying in bed and waiting for the days to end to ever really consider her advice.
The hours leading up to lunch pass and the thought of temporary isolation puts your mind at ease. Maybe it makes it more restless. You don’t bother to try and figure out the difference.
A slender hand gently touches your shoulder as you leave the classroom, and your hopes for a quick and undisturbed escape are shattered.
“Can I speak to you for a moment?”
Nijima isn’t someone you’ve said more than five words to, but it’s very clear as to why she’s approached you.
“Do I have a choice, president?”
Her smile is small, tight-lipped, and capable of shattering the last bits of happiness you have tucked deep away in your heart, where nobody can attempt to reach them. She leads you to a quiet spot and the two of you stand there for one beat, two. She’s the one who brought you here in the first place, so you wait for her to start the conversation. She gets straight to the point once her mouth opens.
“He’s been much more depressed ever since you two stopped talking.”
You find it funny how his feelings are the ones in question.
“He should’ve thought about that before he abandoned me.”
She doesn’t respond to that, and you know it’s because you’re right.
You understand being busy. He has a part-time job, he maintains high grades. It’s not a problem for him to have work or to put extra time in at the library. You let it slide, tell him it’s not a problem, again and again when he promised to make time for you.
It’s when he says he’s too tired to go out today, and you see him with his group of friends. It’s when he says he has to help at the cafe, and you glance through a window and see him with that detective prince. It’s the fake excuses and empty hopes that make you reach your breaking point.
(It’s your friends telling you that you need to cut him off, because you’d let him hurt your feelings over and over again without repercussions.)
Ever since your fight, all of his friends have been walking on thin ice around you. You don’t know if they’re treating him the same way. Maybe they think you’re the bad guy.
It’s obvious to anyone with eyes what’s going to happen that day when you walk through the cafe’s doors silently. You won’t meet his gaze and you can tell your shoulders are shaking. It’s empty at this time of night, and Sojiro gives you two the room. You’re grateful for the creaky overhead fan as you take a seat at the counter, because you don’t know if you could handle the uncomfortable silence on it’s own.
Getting the words out is a struggle. It’s hard not to sound accusatory when it falls completely on his shoulders that your friendship has fallen apart. He’s only a high schooler, but so are you. Toying with your feelings like this is just cruel.
“I can’t do this anymore Akira.” You mentally wince at the crack of your voice. Crying on the first sentence doesn’t make your conviction seem stronger in the slightest.
“If you don’t want to be around me, just tell me to my face. Don’t make up reasons why you can’t be.”
The wind chimes outside. Morgana’s tail swishing back and forth. Every sound in the cafe is amplified as you wait for his response.
“There’s… things. Things I can’t talk about right now. It’s not my place to make that decision without mentioning it to the others.” He doesn’t say their names, but you know it’s the friends that filled the slot in his life that was once for you.
You don’t mean to sound as exasperated as you actually are, “The others? So now you can’t even tell me stuff without asking them first?”
He runs his hair through his head and the annoyance now becomes visible on his face. Why is he upset? Does he somehow believe this is your fault?
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
Morgana climbs up the stairs. He must know what’s coming.
“No Akira, I actually don’t know. Because I really can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t you saying you’re busy or that you’re sorry for blowing me off, you’ll show up next time.”
“I am busy! I wasn’t aware I had to fill you in on every detail of my life.”
It’s cruel, the way he turned out to be exactly the way people imagined him to be. You were foolish for thinking otherwise. You slowly rise from your seat and let out a slow exhale.
At some point, you have to put yourself first.
“You’re right, Kurusu-san. I’m sorry for thinking that way.”
The honorific and formal use of his name seem to drag him back to reality, in Leblanc where the severing of a friendship is taking place. You disregard whatever he tries to say as you quickly rush out of there as fast as humanly possible.
It’s Makoto’s voice that brings you back to present. Was she talking this whole time?
“It could help a bit if you just… apologized. Nothing extravagant, just so that you two can hopefully start to fix this issue.”
You hope the disbelief is visible on your face. What could you possibly have to apologize for?
It takes all your willpower not to freak out on her. You plan on keeping the tiny bit of self preservation you have left, “There’s nothing to apologize for, and nothing to fix.” You leave her standing there and make your way to the cafeteria - alone.
Today you will finish school, go home, and lay down until your own thoughts drag you into an unpleasant and painful sleep.
It is just another day.