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Sam couldn't sleep that night.He was just turning in his bed and staring at the ceiling.He thought maybe a little work, a little time in the library would distract him from the overthinking he goes through every night.But first he needed his usual coffee with no sugar, cause he needed something strong to help concentrate.He got up and with slow big steps he approached the kitchen.The smell was awful, and he couldn't even make it out where it came from.Nobody has cleaned up for days here.Beer bottles everywhere.In the sink,on the counter, on the floor.It was quite scary actually how much alcohol they drank in this couple of days.It was mostly Dean though.When he made his way through the bottles and filth, he nearly fell over.While the coffee was brewing, he leaned on the counter and closed his eyes.The overthinking started again, so he shaked his head and rubbed his eyes with his palms, to kick the loads of thoughts out of his mind.He stared at the clock- 2 am - Am I the only one who can't sleep?-asks himself. Maybe Dean is awake too. When his coffee was made, he picked it up, and headed to the library.
The lights were turned on, but nobody was here.At least at first sight.When he approached the table he noticed a leg under the table, and then the owner of it too. Dean... He fell asleep on the floor again. A bottle of jack rested besides him, maybe that's the reason he is where he is now.It was half empty, and there were no glasses in sight, so he probably drank it straight out of the bottle.His chest emerged and fell...quite peacefully actually.It was a long time since he saw dean this calm, while he was sleeping.Either he's not sleeping at all or wakes up by his nightmares.Both of them are really hurtful to see...and hear. The screams are awful...Sam can't get use to them. It's getting worse each day.The screams are coming more frequently from Dean's room.In the beginning he always came over to his room,to wake him up from his current nightmare, and comfort him, even though Dean never let him.Now he just stares at the ceiling while he's listening to Dean's screams.So now ,looking at him, peacefully sleeping on the floor , is quite reassuring(despite the fact that the alcohol is responsible for it).He slowly sits down on the nearest chair and opens a random book he found laying on the table.He starts reading but can't really concentrate.His eyes wander from the pages to Dean every second minute.It's hard to see him this way.He lost his best friend...or actually his family .Of course he is there for Dean,but he knows deep down that Cas was really close to his heart, even though he never said it out loud.He was a wreck every time Cas died or went missing.Dean was always on edge and pushed everyone away who tried to help him with his grieving.He needed help,but never admitted it.Sam was always there for him, but even to him he can't open up.So he just drinks or has a little mess around with some random chick in a bar's toilet stall.That's how he copes.Well... coped.Now he doesn't even leave the bunker.He stays in his room all day, or spends time in the library, trying to find clues and information on the Empty in lore books , but Sam can tell he never finds anything, because everytime he finds him, he's knocked out on the current book he was researching from.He doesn't know how to help him.Sometimes he accompanies Dean in the searching and maybe he knows Sam feels his pain and he just try to ease it a little bit.But Dean was always hard to read. He pushed his emotions all the way down, till he was just a machine, a soldier who follows daddy's every order.He was always like this.He only showed emotion when he lost someone.His only weakness and breakpoint.The loss of a loved one.There and just in these moments he let down his walls.When he's about to lose them.They lost so much of their family and friends already.And now Cas is gone... probably forever.Sam experienced Dean's grief over Cas multiple times.But now it's different.It's heavier than before.Sam doesn't know what happened that night. Maybe he doesn't even wanna know, or have the right to ask him.He doesn't want to bring back those horrible memories.But they have to talk it through one day.But Dean will have to bring it up ,and from that moment, Sam will know that he had moved on,and has the strength to talk about it.Maybe that moment never comes...who knows. A little groan startled Sam from the direction of the floor.Dean turned to his side and this little sound offered Sam an escape from his endless thoughts.He stares at the table. He notices four letters carved into the wood. *CAST-* that's what he reads quietly.Dean probably started carving Cas's name but stopped for a reason. Maybe he was just unable to finish it. It hurt too much.Sam took his knife out of his left pocket, and wrote down the missing letters.He stared at it for a moment, and turned his head to Dean.He's still sleeping.As he's moving a little bit on the floor and turns to his other side, behind his back a revolver is revealed.Sam stops breathing for a moment.He hopes it's not there why he thinks it is.He slowly approaches the gun with his hand and picks it up from the floor.He looks at the magazine...it has just one bullet.The next shot would have been his last one.He froze down for a bit.He couldn't think of loosing Dean.Especially now, that Dean is the only one who he has left.
He shakes himself out of his thoughts and puts the revolver in his waistband.He decided to head to the room where they keep the weapons and locks it up in a hurry(like someone is whispering into his ear:faster faster) and hides the key somewhere where Dean could never find it. He goes back to the library.Dean is sleeping.He looks peaceful still.He shivers a bit, so Sam decides to bring him a blanket.He carefully tucks him in, and then heads to his room.Halfway he looks back at Dean and a single tear is coming down his cheek.He quietly turns down the lights,and makes his way to his room.He leaves the door open, in case of hearing Dean calling for him or just to hear he doesn't try to do anything stupid.