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juyeon stares into the air, zoning out while changmin rambles on about something he can’t particularly find the energy to tune into. changmin’s voice was soft, something akin to a lullaby. he feels his eyes drooping, but he fights the urge and tries to stay awake. they haven’t hung out in what feels like so long, and juyeon didn’t want to waste whatever time they had together for some sleep he’s sure he can catch later. “-yo. hey, juyo. juyeon, hey,” the younger lightly shakes him and he opens his eyes, not realizing that he fell asleep anyway.
“shit, sorry min. go on,” he replies after a bit, feeling guilty. “you okay?” changmin asks him, seeing how he’s visibly out of it. “just tired. drained. i don’t know,” he mumbles out. juyeon notices how changmin stands up and settles on his lap, wrapping him up in a long, comforting hug.
“can we stay like this for a while?” the taller asks after a bit, not wanting to let go. changmin smiles up at him, squeezes him a little tighter, rests his cheek on his shoulder, and whispers “as long as you need.” juyeon feels the strands of his roommate's brown hair tickling his neck and he wonders, maybe this could work.
changmin was the sun that follows him throughout the day, and juyeon wants to bask in his warmth forever.
the two of them walk through the chilly streets of their hometown side by side. he looks beside him, and he can’t help but stare. changmin’s previously red hair fading into a lighter shade that looks pink, big coat swallowing him whole, body slightly shivering, hands rubbing together in an attempt to keep warm. juyeon stops walking. changmin tilts his head to the side and looks at him confused. he takes off the scarf from his neck and wraps it around the other. he sees how changmin releases a long breath, cheeks turning red. they start walking again, and juyeon offers his hand out.
even if he notices how changmin’s cheeks turn into a darker blush, he doesn’t comment on it. ‘was it really that cold?’
juyeon ends up with a cold the next day. but it was worth it, in his opinion. changmin comes home with medicine and take out food and insists on taking care of him for the entire time.
“with me nursing you back to health, you’ll be better in no time!” changmin declares at him and he resists the urge to coo at how cute the other was. “you’d look cute in a nurse outfit,” juyeon teases, though his voice sounding hoarse as he blows his nose into a tissue. “i’ll dress up for you next time. now eat up,” changmin feeds him porridge poured in a cat-themed bowl.
changmin was the snow that falls onto the ground during december, and juyeon wants to hold all of him between his fingers before he melts.
juyeon didn’t even want to be here, but he was. he couldn't think of a single reason why he had to tag along to this spontaneous trip hyunjae and younghoon dragged them to, five am in the morning. ‘why am i even here?’ he sighs. oh. right. changmin wanted him to, and he never had it in him to ever say no to him. in the end, he was not immune to the ji changmin aegyo machine, equipped with the cute little pouts, words and syllables dragged out longer, and his biggest weakness, the ‘juyo’.
juyeon sits on the blanket laid under him, drawing random doodles in the sand. he watches the three of his friends play around and splash each other in the water and wonders, how are they not cold?
changmin called out his name, beckoning him to join in. “come on, juyo! it’s not that cold.” he still has that cute little smile that turns into a fit of giggles while hyunjae chases him, apparently they brought a water gun.
the taller joins in later on and he hears younghoon teasing him. as if they didn’t just drag juyeon to the fucking sea when the whole world was still asleep. younghoon was right, he will go through the darkest depths of the earth if changmin asks. he admits it to himself, but no one else had to know that.
changmin stares at him for what feels like forever, his wet, blue bangs sticking to his forehead, lips curving up into a small grin. he finds himself lost in the round, sparkly, eyes looking back at him.
juyeon knows how to swim. and yet,
changmin was the sea that engulfs his body as he leaves the sand, and juyeon decides he doesn’t mind drowning.
all of them stay a little longer, upon hyunjae and younghoon’s request that they just had to see the sunrise before they go. the blue-haired boy rests his head on juyeon’s shoulder. and there is it again. the longing, the want, the need. changmin was beside him, leaving no space between them at all. he was close, too close. juyeon feels like there's water entering his lungs.
they were in the middle of their weekly movie nights, when changmin realizes juyeon has already dozed off. he turns off the tv and grabs his fluffiest blanket to lay on the taller’s body. when he’s sure that juyeon is fully asleep, he whispers, while brushing off juyeon’s hair from his eyes.
“you know me too well, juyo, i’m surprised you haven’t caught on that i like you.” changmin takes a deep breath. “i just wish that you’d tell me straight up about what you think about me. feel about me. whatever it is. so i don’t have to go through the trouble and tell you the all the stupid reasons why i fell in love.”
“younghoon says i'm a coward. that i should just choose to be honest. of all people, he should understand how scary this is for me. right? you knew what happened to us. it’s just, what if i read the signs wrong again? what if you just liked a past version of me and not actually me.”
changmin stands up, and places a quick kiss on his sleeping roommate's cheek. “sleep well, juyeon.”
juyeon felt a warm feeling on his cheek, before he opens his eyes. he stands up from the couch, changmin’s blanket with cat patterns fall to the ground. he makes his way to the kitchen, drinking a cold glass of water. ’was all that just a dream?’
he wasn't stupid. he notices how his roommate becomes touchier, clingier, wearing everything he has, in the next couple of days. juyeon doesn’t know what that implies, what changmin was trying to say, but he lets himself believe it’s a good thing.
juyeon asks, one day, when they both decided to take a late-night stroll into the city, arms linked together. “have you ever been in love?” it comes out more quieter than he wanted it to, and he’s surprised changmin even manages to hear it. “how did it feel like?” he adds, when the silence between them no longer comfortable.
“it’s like, it’s a mix of everything,” changmin replies after a while. he takes a sip of his orange juice before he continues. “it’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s frustrating, it’s fuzzy, but you'd know in the end, it’s worth it.”
“being in love, it’s, it’s bearing yourself open for that person, letting them, having them, see you. know you. that’s the scary part. someone i love, seeing me for who i really was. for who i truly am. but love, it's too precious. too beautiful to not give it a try. it's hard, sometimes unforgiving. it’s choosing someone else’s happiness to come before your own. the willingness to give up just about anything to be with them. leaving a part of you that you know you’ll never get back.”
love, huh. they head back home, arms still linked together. when they enter their shared bedroom, changmin answers his first question. “i have, been in love, that is. until now. i still am.” juyeon wonders, should he ask? he contemplates for a second, and goes for it anyway.
“would you tell me? the lucky person who has your heart?”
“i told you sometime before. i’m just not sure if you remember.” ‘i’m just waiting for you to realize.’
juyeon walks through the busy streets of their city, trying to take his mind off things. his roommate wasn’t even at home, something about a project he needs to work on somewhere else. he sighs, feeling his mood dampen a little more. his thoughts were just changmin, changmin, changmin, more than usual. he wonders if that was even possible.
he passes through the cafe they always ordered at. ‘changmin would’ve whined about the long line forming here already.’
he walks past the store that sells overpriced candy they always complained about. ‘changmin would’ve bought six packs of those jelly beans anyway.’
he buys tteokbokki at their usual stall, order too big for him to finish alone. ‘changmin would’ve stuffed his cheeks while eating right about now.’
he reaches their apartment and opens the door. he realizes why the other boy occupies his mind even if he wasn't even there.
changmin was the air that always lingers on wherever he goes, and juyeon breathes him in like he couldn’t live without him.
november fifth, juyeon decides, he’s gonna do it. he’s gonna do it.
he looks for changmin in the crowd, and curses, just how many people did changmin invite to his birthday party?
when he finally spots changmin near the kitchen island, he pulls him over and asks if they could talk. they sit outside their front door, under the moonlight. juyeon takes his time, admiring how the now green-haired boy glows under the stars. he feels like he could do this forever.
changmin starts, “so, what did you want to talk about?”
“i love you. and i just couldn’t keep it in anymore. i love how you try to look at the bright side, even though it’s so hard to sometimes. i love how you’re passionate about everything and everyone you care about. i love how you always take care of me, waking me up, making breakfast, reminding me of all the small things i usually forget. i love how we refer to each other as soulmate, because you trust me enough to know you more than anyone else. and i love how my family is a hundred miles away, but you and your hugs are just like home.”
juyeon pauses.
“you don’t have to like me back, it’s okay! i just wanted to-“ he doesn’t even get to finish his sentence before changmin pulls at his collar and goes for a kiss. it’s not electrifying, with sparks and shocking sensations. it was warm, it was sweet, it was months wasted wondering if love was the right decision, it was them.
changmin pulls back and presses their foreheads together.
“you don’t know how long i waited for this. i love you more, lee juyeon.” the taller smiles at him before he goes, “but i love you most, ji changmin.”
changmin rests his head on juyeon’s shoulder, yawning. “can we stay like this for a while?” juyeon gives his forehead a kiss. “as long as you need.”
they lay down on juyeon’s bed, with younger on top of the him. changmin listens to his steady heartbeat, eyes half-closed ready to fall asleep anytime soon.
the lights are turned off. changmin whispers into the dark.
“our anniversary will fall on my birthday next year. you can’t break up with me now or forever! i can never celebrate again.”
the older cards his fingers onto his lover’s hair and presses a sweet kiss on his cheek.
changmin was a flower nurtured with such love and care, and juyeon would do anything to shield him from impending storms.
january fifteenth, juyeon finds an envelope with his name written on the back, sealed with a bear holding a heart.
he opens it and reads outloud.
lee juyeon, in here is everything i didn’t have the courage to say before.
he spots changmin's figure in the kitchen, trying to light candles on a cake. juyeon was sure. it's worth it.