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Nayeon should be asleep right now, having less than five hours left to rest before she has to wake up and get ready for tomorrow’s schedule. And to be honest, there's not a way out, as the day that has just passed was a day-off and she’ll have no excuses for the bags under her eyes. Whatever. It’s not like she can tame her mind with what took place an hour or two earlier.
The arm that is wrapped around her waist pulls her closer, shuffling for some moments until she gets comfortable to continue her sleep, sickeningly close with their bare fleshes touching, not quite what Nayeon needs right now.
Of course, Jeongyeon is sleeping, not aware that holding her tighter isn’t helping to escape her thoughts, only making them wilder and confusing her more.
For the past hour since Jeongyeon fell asleep while spooning her, Nayeon has been trying to create some distance between their bodies, moving some centimeters towards the edge of the bed only for Jeongyeon to stick on her back each time like a leech desperately seeking for blood as if sensing the void between them. A little bit more and she’ll fall off the bed.
It drives her crazy, thinking how clingy Jeongyeon is behind closed doors in contrast to her behavior towards Nayeon in front of the cameras. And even though the kind of their relationship -what kind Nayeon can’t define- isn’t one to demonstrate in front of the cameras, Nayeon didn’t have a clue Jeongyeon liked her like that since recently.
It has always been confusing for them, walking on blurred lines. Jeongyeon has never said a good word on her own in front of the cameras, only giving her compliments if egged on or nagged by Nayeon.
Since training days, the moment she’d be aware Nayeon was insecure or having a bad day she’d be the first one to make her feel good, either by complimenting her, making her feel sure about herself, or proving with facts how Nayeon helps them as a friend, or she’d cuddle and say nothing, soothing Nayeon only by her presence.
It was a total surprise for Nayeon in the beginning, but once she got used to this side of Jeongyeon she’d always hope that in times of need it’d be the one to come over, even though the chances were always fifty-fifty.
It all shifted after that damn performance they delivered as a duo. Although it made the fans go wild, the moment they performed for the third and last time a new Jeongyeon appeared, one that was avoiding and behaved coldly towards her. Even the times Nayeon tried to approach her she didn’t let her reach the point of asking, always dogging her. Nayeon didn’t like feeling like that, she only wanted to undo whatever wrong she’d done, but it seemed Jeongyeon didn’t want her to.
Even though it pained her tremendously she had to respect her wishes, wearing a happy façade on the outside not wanting to burden Jeongyeon if she seemed sad or troubled. Thankfully Sana and Momo were there to listen to her, helping to feel better.
It took four months until New Year’s Eve for Nayeon to finally talk with her. “I miss you,” she said instead of "Happy New Year", and it was all it took for Jeongyeon to hug her tightly, never leaving her side for once for the rest of the night.
Needless to say an explanation never came, but Nayeon didn’t want one as long as everything was alright between them.
Fast forwards to a year and a half later, the night before More & More release, new dorms and everything, the girls were all gathered in JeonJiMi’s dorm to have dinner and prepare mentally for the next day.
It was a gathering dispersed early, Nayeon on her way out spotting Jeongyeon washing the dishes with nervous and rough movements.
“Are you okay?” she asked placing a hand over Jeongyeon’s back feeling how tensed the muscles were and every contraction that happened as Jeongyeon kept washing the dishes, acting like Nayeon wasn’t even there.
“I’ll wait for you in the living room,” was all she could say, knowing the girl was so introverted that it’d need a lot to take a word about what was the problem.
While waiting in the living room having small talk with Jihyo and Mina, thinking at the back of her mind about what was troubling the tall girl, said girl passed quickly from the living room to her room, shutting her door somewhat hardly, leaving a deathly silence behind.
“I got this don’t worry,” Nayeon told them, “I’ll just give her a minute to calm down.” The minute passed by wrapping whatever small talk they had before.
When Nayeon entered the room Jeongyeon was already laying under the covers, lights turned off and curtains closed, the only light emitting from a blue LED night light, giving rough shades and edges on everything inside the room, enough for Nayeon to walk towards the bed and get under the covers.
“Hey,” she said scooting closer and gluing her body on Jeongyeon’s back. Jeongyeon huffed, scooting further away only for Nayeon to get closer and wrap an arm around her middle and toss a leg over the girl’s longer ones, leaving no room to escape.
It took a lot of minutes for a word to be said again, as Nayeon waited for Jeongyeon this time, massaging the younger one’s head and feeling her body gradually relax.
“It’s embarrassing.” Jeongyeon broke the silence, Nayeon recognizing the shame in her voice.
“It’s okay,” Nayeon reassured her.
“No, I can’t say it, it’s really silly.” Nayeon could feel her body tensing.
“If it affects you like that it isn’t.”
It took some time for an answer to come, as Nayeon patiently waited, giving her time to form the sentence in her mind, to find the right words to express what was bothering her. It’d always been like that.
“I’m nervous,” Jeongyeon said, Nayeon hearing a semicolon there and waiting for the rest.
“I shouldn’t feel this way.” She started again, leaving a short chuckle before speaking again. “It’s been almost five years since debut, and I still feel like the first time.” Her voice was smaller like she didn’t want anyone to hear her words, making Nayeon’s heart twist in a bad way, hugging her tighter and burying her head between her shoulder blades.
The scent of the softener on Jeongyeon’s pajamas made her calmer, a smile forming on her lips unconsciously as the smell made her feel like home, although her mother had never used that softener. Similar feelings would always emit whenever spending time privately, and it always helped her think clearly, whether it’d be her that was troubled, or she’d give Jeongyeon her advice and wisdom. She’d let this feeling consume her, lost between comfort and tranquillity.
“You are dumb,” Nayeon said with no malice hiding in her voice. Jeongyeon grumbled “I told you so” through her teeth.
“You are dumb if you think you are the only one feeling nervous,” Nayeon explained, figuring out what a perplexed expression Jeongyeon should be sporting right there. But once again silence followed and Nayeon didn’t wait this time.
“Even if twenty years pass, I’ll never stop feeling nervous before a huge event. And it’s the same for the girls. We had that talk in the living room with Jihyo and Mina, and I had it with Sana and Momo earlier. It never changes Jeong, you just have to share it, not carry it alone. And then it gets easier.”
Nayeon knew Jeongyeon very well, to a point that she knew she wouldn’t get a reply, her words being enough for Jeongyeon to feel appeased and not alone in this, so she focused again on the peaceful feelings, her hand that still was brushing through Jeongyeon’s hair absent-mindedly moving to her earlobe and playing with it.
Her mind was occupied with thoughts about the support system they had built around each other through the years, and how naturally it all came out. Even though she hadn’t admitted it to anyone, she had a crush on the younger girl a few years ago but never had the chance of exploring it further, as when she had in mind to do it, the younger one had built all these walls back then, and all Nayeon wanted was her best friend back. Screw her crush and whatnot, she needed Jeongyeon as a friend no matter what, she didn’t have to risk it by confessing a stupid crush.
So she never talked about it, but it always came to her mind, this place between tranquillity and peace bringing her crush on the surface. And as dumb as it sounded, Nayeon would take the most out of it every time, enjoying the girl’s presence and the aura that came through that interaction, feeding her crush and allowing it to exist only in this little sanctuary, hidden from the world only for her to see, to feel and to hear.
It didn’t take much time for Jeongyeon to turn around, incredibly close with their noses touching and their breaths mingling, the loss of light heightening her senses and her brain malfunctioning just waiting for what was already predetermined to follow, Jeongyeon being everywhere, on her mind and in her personal space, in her senses and her heart.
The kiss that followed made her lose track of time, fulfilling all the longing she’s been ignoring for ages, like a little kid that yearns for a specific toy and never asks about it but wakes up on Christmas to find that specific gift wrapped under the tree.
Because that’s what that kiss was, a gift. And Nayeon would lie if she said she didn’t crave more of them, but she had to be realistic, as this kiss was not discussed like everything complicated in their relationship, and for the days to come neither tried to address it acting like it never happened, the hectic three weeks of promotions leaving them no time to talk in general as well.
That, until they wrapped up More & More promotions and gathered for a celebratory night in NaMoSa’s dorm this time. One drink followed the other and Nayeon found herself in a familiar position, this time being spooned by a clingy -dizzy but not drunk- Jeongyeon.
And although the tension was there it didn’t make her feel awkward, turning around to face the blond, and no more needed to be said, kissing again until they were left with swollen lips, sleeping with a smile on both their faces.
They didn’t address anything again, and Nayeon didn’t wait for it judging from last time, but Jeongyeon sneaked in her room next night, having a repeat of the previous one, and not sure if intentionally or not they began building something like a routine around it. After that, it didn’t happen every night, but each time was welcome and enjoyable, being it every two or three days or once per week.
Nayeon tried not to dwell on it, but she couldn’t control her feelings that started changing, her crush taking a new form slowly, taking flesh and becoming something bigger than just a crush. She still avoided talking about it with anyone, both about her feelings and the situation they had gotten their selves into. She knew she had a lot of time until she’d reach her pick, and maybe she should talk sooner because how much time would Nayeon be able to let it bloom only on the inside? But she didn’t want to lose this interaction with Jeongyeon.
And maybe that’s what was going to destroy them because even though she knew what she wanted deep inside, she had in mind that Jeongyeon participated in this just to let out some steam and relax her nerves or anything that made her anxious. The fear of losing her was stopping her.
This motif went on until Christmas, when another huge shift in their relationship happened.
It was during an award show when a guy approached Nayeon to talk, being bold enough to lay a hand on her shoulder. Nayeon wasn’t unfamiliar with these gestures, knowing how to get out of it since she had been in this position countless times, a lot of guys approaching and showing their interests even since debut.
The chance to gently reject him never came as Jeongyeon came out of nowhere to wrap an arm around her shoulders and hold her close to her side, greeting the guy with such confidence and something akin to fire in her eyes, a gaze Nayeon had never witnessed before.
Next thing she knew they were back in her dorm, Jeongyeon claiming her for the first time, only then Nayeon understanding Jeongyeon was jealous and wanted to prove a point. Well, if she knew jealousy was the button for the next level she would have pressed it sooner, don’t judge her.
It went like that, by doing each other (Nayeon doesn’t want to say the other lewd word, it’s derogatory for something that isn’t), and even if it wasn’t addressed it wasn’t awkward. They were exploring this new adaptation, giving instructions during the action to enjoy it better, or even discuss their day right before climaxing. Even if it sounds that way, it wasn’t weird.
It went on for three months, sneaking into each other’s dorms most of the nights, and walking out just as sneaky in the morning, excited by the thrill of hiding from the others who Nayeon was sure were playing blind and deaf.
That, until the final and major turn that happened a month ago. From Christmas up to that time, Nayeon was sure she was in love and was thinking ways to confess because after all this time Jeongyeon should have feelings, she wouldn’t be jealous either way that night back then, right?
It was a morning after a night spent in Jeongyeon’s room when Jeongyeon told her to wait for her to distract Jihyo who was cooking breakfast, all of them having to leave in a few hours to record for an online concert with some other groups.
As Nayeon was successfully passing out of the kitchen her ear caught Jihyo’s words saying “be careful, it’s a dangerous game you’re playing”, answered by a simple “I know what I’m doing” from Jeongyeon. To say Nayeon’s heart broke right there would be an understatement, but she had a job to do, and a performance to give feelings aside.
It wasn’t like Jeongyeon would mind if she’d behave coldly towards her, she wasn’t affectionate towards Nayeon in front of others, anyway. But as if sensing her coldness through out the recording, Jeongyeon approached her once in the dressing room with a bottle of water asking “are you alright?” as she lifted the bottle to offer it, seeing it her peripheral vision..
Nayeon didn’t lift her head, scrolling through her phone and showily ignoring her. When she heard the younger leaving and total silence occupying the room she finally lifted her head, all the girls looking at her like they had just seen their parents fight. It felt pressuring, reading on their faces how they admitted guilty, knowing what was taking place behind closed doors.
The realization made her feel suffocated, Jihyo’s pleading eyes the last thing she saw before flying out of the room only to regret with the first step outside. Looking from left to right, she did a double take on her left, as some meters away Jeongyeon was talking with a guy that had confessed his crush for Jeongyeon some years ago, both her and the guy’s laughter fuelling Nayeon’s anger and making her stomp her way there with a madman’s eyes, hugging possessively Jeongyeon and marking her territory with a kiss on Jeongyeon’s cheek making her a blushing mess.
The guy chuckled before greeting goodbye to the both of them, making Nayeon even madder and Jeongyeon even redder. “He’s just a friend,” Jeongyeon whispered-yelled in her desperation, not changing anything at all for Nayeon and her rage. They didn’t exchange another word until they were inside Nayeon’s room, her roommates warned with a text to sleep somewhere else.
Pinned under her, Jeongyeon was talking but Nayeon couldn’t pay attention to her words, briefly catching some of her words.
“He knows about us.” Jeongyeon said catching her attention, but before she could duel on it and ask more Jeongyeon talked again. “He’s just a friend, relax.” Friend she thought. She and Jeongyeon were friends too, saying the guy was her friend didn’t change anything, instead it helped the final string of her sanity snap.
The monster of jealousy had taken every space in her mind, wanting to prove herself this time, even though that morning she had decided things would change and she wouldn’t be Jeongyeon’s game anymore.
Only, tonight she was going to be the player and Jeongyeon the game. If Jeongyeon had the right to prove a point back when she got jealous, so did Nayeon after watching her friendly slapping the guy while laughing with his jokes.
Jeongyeon was asking something now, heavy breathing and pushing her up from her chest, her black bra distracting Nayeon even more, moving her hand behind her back to unclasp it only for Jeongyeon to catch her wrist and stop her.
“Answer me,” Jeongyeon said with expectant and hopeful eyes. Nayeon hadn’t listened to the question but didn’t have the patience to wait right now.
“Okay.” She said, diving in to capture her lips, Jeongyeon’s hands cupping her face and letting her finally unclasp the bra, but pushing her away after two seconds and inspecting her face. Nayeon though couldn’t but gaze at her exposed breasts, wanting desperately to dive in and devour them, mark them all over, and Jeongyeon’s interruptions were making her impatient, moving head towards her target.
“Wait,” Jeongyeon said, pulling her head in a way to make her face her, Nayeon letting out a mixed sound of a whine and a growl.
“You mean it?” Jeongyeon said, inspecting her eyes carefully but again with hopeful eyes.
“Yes.” Nayeon answered, diving in for a short kiss, “Yes, I really mean it.” To what she agreed she didn’t know, but she didn’t care at all if it was bad or good, her neediness taking over and everything else shutting out. She’d figure out later what she had gotten herself into.
Something changed with Jeongyeon right there, becoming softer instantly and melting under Nayeon’s touch, saying things she’d never said before. The first affectionate words made Nayeon wonder what she had agreed to to make Jeongyeon behave like that, but as Jeongyeon kept giving her praises and sweet words her mind lost focus and only got higher and higher the more it was taking in her words. There was a huge contrast that night, because as talkative as Nayeon was she stayed mute, speaking through actions where Jeongyeon wouldn’t shut up, leaving Nayeon even more speechless for hearing all these words she’d been longing for years.
It didn’t stop there. Jeongyeon became more affectionate in front of the girls, hugging and kissing her. It was only in front of the girls, but it was a welcoming change for Nayeon, making it easier to work whatever their unspoken deal was. They’d spend more time together outside of the bedroom while watching dramas, cooking, or even chatting about anything and nothing at all.
The walks of shame were taking place in front of everyone now, like Jeongyeon wanted someone to catch them pecking at the door while parting goodbye.
The times she’d walk her to the door and she’d go back to the kitchen, her two Japanese roommates would tease her about how cute it was kissing off her girlfriend, and every time Nayeon would play it indifferent, like she wasn’t hiding how much she was head over hills for the younger one, wanting nothing else in the world than Sana’s and Momo’s words to be true.
But she knew it wasn’t like that, and it wouldn’t be. Because Nayeon knew Jeongyeon’s behavior was directly connected to that night she agreed to something she didn’t know of. Her suspicion was she had agreed to something akin to friends with benefits, giving Jeongyeon the freedom to become more expressive and walk in something more secure now that it was labeled.
Only, it wasn’t the label Nayeon wanted, and she was well aware that confessing asking for something else would destroy even that little they had. So she decided that she’d endure it, because it wasn’t all painful, as long as her heart would be able to take it. The heartbreak would be huge, and if she was wiser she’d have stopped it a year ago, but in the fight between her mind and her heart the latter had won and ruled ever after.
Until tonight. Because everything changed tonight, and now Nayeon is right at that point; not able to take it anymore.
It was during the heat of the moment, Nayeon panting under Jeongyeon, two digits inside her and almost at her pick with Jeongyeon slotted on her neck and nibbling on her skin, leaving marks behind and taking advantage of the schedule (the following week consisted only by filming on hoodies and such for a brand deal) finally reaching her ear to whisper her sweet nothings and feeling Nayeon clenching around her fingers, almost there but not quite enough.
It was a gradual build-up, but it felt like tonight it wasn’t just sex. Well, it hadn’t been just sex for Nayeon for some time now, but tonight it felt mutual, by the way Jeongyeon was gentler, her movements performed with purpose, not rushing at all and leaving compliments each time she took off a layer of Nayeon’s clothes.
The words were sweeter and sweeter as Jeongyeon went on, starting by “you are so beautiful Nabong,” to “I can’t take enough of you,” to “in a room full of people you are the only one shining so bright,” to things Nayeon couldn’t believe she was hearing.
She isn’t sure if Jeongyeon already knew what she needed, but as she detached herself from Nayeon’s ear and hovered just close enough to breath the same air but far enough so Nayeon couldn’t kiss her, her fingers hitting that one sweet spot inside Nayeon again and again, her eyes looking like she could see her bare soul, suddenly making her feel the need to hear just one thing to take off; Jeongyeon said it.
“I love you.”
Her mind didn’t have the time to process it correctly right then, playing in a loop the three words, pushing her to her climax, Jeongyeon’s mouth instantly on hers to silence her moans as her fingers were gently helping her ride out her orgasm.
Jeongyeon kept kissing her like she couldn’t get enough of her, and she tried to not over-think it yet and enjoy the moment. Jeongyeon seemed content with Nayeon not saying the words back, and it was all she needed to know that the words didn’t hold the same gravity for Jeongyeon. Even if she was confused she didn’t let it show, waiting until Jeongyeon finally got asleep.
Now, her mind can’t shut up, and the bare body attached on her back can’t help but make her think about these three words. If only Jeongyeon meant them the way Nayeon means them. Nayeon knows she has to act, even now that she’s objectively too late, she can still save some parts of her heart, even though she knows every molecule of her existence screams for Jeongyeon.
She can’t but inch forward one more time, leaving a heavy sigh and contemplating maybe getting up and leaving. It’s not that wise, as they’re at Jeongyeon’s parents' house, and she won’t be safe walking on the dark streets, because there’s no way she’ll disturb any of their managers a little before 2 am.
The body behind her scoots closer once again, a hand pulling her tight as Jeongyeon groans before putting her head right behind her head.
“My mattress too soft you want to sleep on the floor?” Jeongyeon says, her voice rough and laced with sleep, but her teasing tone there as well. Nayeon is stiff as a plank, and of course, it gives out she’s not sleeping.
“What’s on your mind?” Jeongyeon asks then, her voice balancing between worry and curiosity, her hand rubbing circles on Nayeon’s stomach skin. She can’t explain, not ready yet to clear everything out, searching ways to get out of this interrogation until she finds a way to deal with everything. One thing she does though is grab Jeongyeon’s arm to stop the motions, as they cause the opposite effect of what she wants to feel right now, warmth building up on her lower belly.
It only makes Jeongyeon retreat her hand, but she doesn’t move away from her back, waiting for something from Nayeon instead. She can’t understand why Jeongyeon doesn’t shy away, but she knows now that she can’t get out of it, taking a deep breath and turning around to face the younger one.
There is hidden white lighting on the ceiling, adjustable on the level, right now being low, the room visible in a small percentage creating a comforting twilight, making it easy to see Jeongyeon’s features as her eyes are already adapted, awake all this time. There’s a frown on Jeongyeon’s face, not matching at all her nervous expression. Jeongyeon reaches for her face, placing her palm on her neck, the thumb that moves and wipes over her cheek calming her down contradicting her feelings.
Jeongyeon doesn’t ask again, just waits for her to open up, and just like that her mind reminds her that Jeongyeon is firstly her friend, and even if she doesn’t return her feelings they can work through it and correct the situation and save their friendship, because even if Jeongyeon doesn’t love her the way she wants, she still loves her as a friend, and that can be enough.
“Stop over-thinking and talk to me,” Jeongyeon interrupts her thought process, a weird expression of question on her face only for Jeongyeon to add “You’re making this thing with your eyes darting between my eyes, and I can feel your pulse on your neck. Just tell me and we’ll find a solution. What is it?”
Reassuring, that’s what the words are for Nayeon, giving her all she needs to gulp down the knot in her throat and take the first step to clear everything out.
“We’re best friends, right?”
“Among other things, yeah,” Jeongyeon answers cheekily with a smirk on her face. So her assumption about the deal being about friends with benefits must’ve been right. Time to break it off.
“I love you,” Nayeon says before everything ends.
“I know,” Jeongyeon answers, a blissful smile all over her face. But she doesn’t say it back, and something rips off in Nayeon’s heart, urging her to say what’s on her mind.
“But I think we’re better as best friends.” Nayeon drops the bomb, seeing Jeongyeon's whole body freezing, the hand on her cheek now feeling awkward. She can see in Jeongyeon’s eyes how her brain short circuits, then how it takes in the meaning and her expression becomes a sad one, avoiding it then and trying to not take her words back as they hurt the younger girl.
“I thought we were doing alright,” Jeongyeon says in a trembling voice, clearly trying not to cry, finally taking her hand from Nayeon’s face.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Nayeon admits, taking back a quick “Why?”
“It’s too much.” A pause follows, and then Jeongyeon asks “Is it the press? You’re afraid they’ll find out?” And Nayeon is taken by surprise at how differently they think, as she hasn’t thought about this scenario at all.
“No, no it’s not that.” She’s quick to say, not wanting for Jeongyeon to think she wouldn’t take the risk because she would, she’d take every risk for Jeongyeon.
“Then?” Jeongyeon asks, and Nayeon dares to take a glance of her, facing pouting trembling lips and glassy eyes. The time has come, and even though she’s going to be harsh with the other girl, she knows her road to recovery will be longer and more painful.
“I know the deal we made a month ago was mutual.”
“Wha-”
“But it was in the rush of the moment. I was mad at that guy and I wanted to take all my anger out and claim you like you did that first night we slept together.”
“Nayeon are you nuts?”
“But I knew I had feelings back then, and now I’m in love with you, and all these things we do just seemed like a chance to get a taste of how it’d be to be together.”
“Listen to me-”
“I intended to confess, I thought there was a possibility you felt the same, but then I heard you and Jihyo talking, and I knew then that it wasn’t the same for you after all. I didn’t want to be your game, but instead of stopping I agreed to be friends with benefits that same night, after getting jealous of that damn guy. I’m sor-”
A hand clasps over her mouth, not letting her finish her apology. The tension between them is thick as ice, or that’s what Nayeon feels as they look at each other, Jeongyeon’s look a mix of mad, concerned, and amused.
Nayeon feels how her chest heaves up and down like she ran a marathon, probably taking too few breaths while talking, and it seems that Jeongyeon is waiting for her to calm down, taking the hand from her mouth and gently wiping some moisture she wasn’t aware escaped her eyes.
“You should have talked to me sooner,” Jeongyeon starts after a large intake of breath, getting Nayeon’s full attention. Nayeon though doesn’t answer. Wouldn’t want to talk sooner, to end all these earlier, she wasn’t ready.
Jeongyeon tags closer, not suffocatingly close, but still, Nayeon wishes she’d wear a t-shirt or something now that everything is over. It’s torture having even the smallest bared skin contact.
“Let’s get things straight, okay?” Jeongyeon asks, her hopeful tone making Nayeon realize the younger probably wanting to clear everything out and save their friendship. She gulps the uneasiness and nods, not trusting her voice to deliver they ‘okay’ in case it disheartens Jeongyeon, preparing the best she can in these few seconds for the blowout that’ll come.
“I don’t know where to begin with. How did you get everything so wrong?” Jeongyeon chuckles. Nayeon doesn’t understand what’s so funny.
“That night you agreed to this friends with benefits you say, do you remember me asking it?”
Nayeon tries to recall that night hard, but can’t hear Jeongyeon’s words, only her melodic moans, and the huge change she felt right after agreeing to something she didn’t hear. Her mind has the image of Jeongyeon talking and asking something, but all Nayeon can recall is how desperate she was, fuming from her jealousy that she agreed so she could go on with her urges.
Nayeon frowns, not able to recall anything else from Jeongyeon saying the guy was just a friend and then everything was white rage. It’s evident Jeongyeon waits for her reply, and all she can answer is a quiet “no”.
“I should have known better.” Jeongyeon sighs, rolling to her back and staring at the ceiling for a few moments, probably arranging her thoughts, Nayeon waiting until she rolls to her side once again to face her.
“That night you agreed to be my girlfriend.” Jeongyeon says simply, and Nayeon doesn’t know what to do with it because her mind short-circuits, asking ‘girlfriend’ again and again, clearly malfunctioning until Jeongyeon talks again, more likely rambling to herself.
“I should have known you were too far into your head and you just said yes without actually listening. And I wondered why you weren’t more touchy or more clingy after. I thought it was like giving you a free pass. And then I thought you might just need time to adapt to it and you’d start acting more like my girlfriend in front of the girls. Arghhhh,” Jeongyeon growls tilting her head backward and bringing her hand over her eyes. “I’m sorry, I should have asked you earlier.” She lets out a sigh.
Nayeon’s mind is numb. She has a girlfriend? It doesn’t feel like it, her mind still in denial about Jeongyeon returning her feelings. There’s still a lot to explain and clear out, but she can’t tell where to start and what to discuss. Before she can settle on something Jeongyeon pulls down her hand from her eyes and stares at her with realization.
“Let’s take it from the beginning, okay?” Nayeon nods in agreement.
“I had a crush on you since forever.” Nayeon feels like getting a stroke right then.
“Jihyo knew.” Of course, Jihyo knew.
“And when we had that duo performance I lost it. I was almost ready to confess, but I chose to take some distance.” Nayeon remembers how that felt.
“Then you said you missed me and I couldn’t hold myself away from you anymore, I missed you as much, and I regret distancing myself back then, it didn’t change a lot anyway,” Jeongyeon admits, talking in her characteristic pout.
“Somewhere in the way of getting back to our friendship my crush was turning bigger and bigger until that first time I kissed you. I couldn’t get you out of my mind, and your new haircut was driving me completely crazy. And that night you were there, I couldn’t help myself anymore.” Nayeon doesn’t think anything, just takes in the information she gets, not able to process a thing except the beautiful blush on Jeongyeon’s face.
“The thing is, I thought it was mutual, and we were walking together through the stages.” Nayeon opens her mouth to tell that the feelings are and were mutual, but Jeongyeon doesn’t let her finish, shushing her with a finger on her lips.
“Let me finish first.” She says with a gentle sincere smile. “I know the feelings were mutual, but I feel like a jerk for assuming. You suffered all this time thinking I didn’t have feelings for you, and it led us to this. I’m so sorry.” Jeongyeon takes her hands and brings them up to her mouth to kiss them. “Really sorry,” she says, her voice heavy with regret.
“Don’t cry” she quickly adds with concern, making something in her snap with relief, more tears flowing out. Because Jeongyeon loves her back.
Jeongyeon.
Loves.
Her.
Back.
And she wasn’t expecting this outcome at all. It wasn’t viable until now. It will take some time to get used to it, but Jeongyeon is in love with her too. It makes her happy. Jeongyeon looks at her, a content smile on her face.
“I’m ugly crying?” She states-asks.
“You are the most beautiful ugly crier in the world,” Jeongyeon answers, making her chuckle and sob at the same time as she pulls her in her arms. It’s weird, but the familiar softener smell invades her nostrils, helping her calm down. Maybe mama Yoo uses it on the duvet cover, or even on the pillowcases, or on the linen in general.
“What did you hear Jihyo say?” Jeongyeon asks her, Nayeon realizing they still have a lot to clear out, and maybe tonight isn’t enough for it, and it’ll take sometime to settle everything, analyze and correct the wrong assumptions behind Jeongyeon’s behavior. It wouldn’t hurt to discuss some things now though.
“I heard her telling you that the game you play is dangerous,” Nayeon says simply, but still affected by the words. The scent and the way Jeongyeon’s hands tighten to hold her impossible close help soothe her easily affected mind.
“You thought you are the game,” Jeongyeon states, not questioning but knowing already. Nayeon’s silence affirms her question.
“You must've thought I’m such a douchebag,” Jeongyeon groans.
“No, no I didn’t think of you that way.” Nayeon quickly responds, not wanting the younger to feel bad in any way. She doesn’t agree at all.
“Even if I have feelings, it’s not a rule you have to return them. And if I thought you didn’t and got myself in this situation is completely my responsibility. I thought you were there for letting out some stress,” she hears Jeongyeon’s sharp intake, “and even when I was thinking this was just friends with benefits it was up to me to participate or not. I mean, I’ve never accused you, just myself for going on with it. But never you, you weren’t obliged to return my feelings.”
“But I do.”
“I know. Now.” Nayeon says shyly on Jeongyeon’s neck, feeling a hand going up and down her spine.
“I’m sorry for making you insecure. I’ll spend all the time proving you wrong.” Jeongyeon says kissing the crown of her head. Nayeon finally lets the caged butterflies out, rolling and flying in her stomach in the best possible way.
Small shifts of their bodies and their mouths fall in a dance, and for the first time their kiss doesn’t feel like it’s forbidden, it feels like freedom, like the one that takes place in her heart now that the butterflies have reached there, breaking all the cages around it and flying free all over her soul, Nayeon sure Jeongyeon can feel them through the kiss.
There are wandering hands going places, hungry and exploring enthusiastically like it’s the first time they travel on each other bodies, and Nayeon is sure Jeongyeon feels the difference in her everything, her touch, her kiss, her aura. She just needs one more thing before it proceeds to the next stage.
“Jeong?” She breaks the kiss, smiling fondly at the way Jeongyeon chases her successfully and resumes their kiss. It takes tremendously a lot of effort to will herself and break the kiss again but she eventually does, Jeongyeon chasing again.
“Jeongyeon?” Jeongyeon groans, panting, connecting their foreheads with her eyes closed, trying to calm herself down.
“What?” She asks impatiently, the need heavy in her dark hooded eyes, checking all the squares in Nayeon list, but mostly erasing a huge part of her insecurities, because she can read it, she can see it in her eyes and feel it in her touch; Jeongyeon wants her, loves her, and craves for her as much as she does.
“Ask me again.”
“What?” Jeongyeon asks back in confusion, her eyebrows almost touching while searching in Nayeon’s hopeful eyes for the meaning, until she decodes it. Her eyebrows straighten and the most wonderful smile of love and happiness plasters on her face.
“Im Nayeon,” she makes a dramatic pause to take a big inhale making Nayeon gulp her sudden nervousness, “will you be my girlfriend?”
There are shivers all over her skin, the goosebumps making her aware to fullest of the body in contact, not knowing where one starts and where the other ends.
“Yes.” Nayeon answers simply, surging forward to find her girlfriend’s lips, and right there, under the sheets and encircled by the familiar scent, finally, eveything feels right.