Archive of Our Own

nightmares are usual for toge. 

he can't recall when it first started, but he's been having them since. the contents are usually the same, rotating between one to the other every night. one night he'd dream of accidentally cursing his family, the next unable to protect his adored ones for not being strong enough. on some nights, he'll dream of himself fighting curses stronger than him and losing, all of that jolt him awake in a cold sweat. 

but on top of all that, he hates this one specific dream. 

it was just all black and empty, no matter where he walks. no walls, no ceilings, no floors, nothing. then it becomes cold, as clouds of bad memories wash upon him, reminding him of times he misuses his cursed speech. everyone always comforted him, saying it's never his fault but toge knows better. it is his fault.  

this one dream doesn't make him wake up panting in the middle of the night, then find it unable to sleep again. this one wakes him upright at dawn, just before the sun rises. if more time to sleep was supposed to make you feel better in the morning, then this one will drain all his energy that he felt like just merging into one with his bed. 

he sighed, ruffling his white hair. peeking at the clock, it's exactly 5.30 in the morning. toge sat up, stretching his limbs slowly. if he were at the dorm, he would just visit panda's room knowing the other would already be awake and he won't ask questions as to why toge is visiting him so early in the morning. but today, he's at his house since it's the holiday. he's kinda surprised that Jujutsu Tech actually has holidays, but then again it's still a school. 

his eyes roamed around his room, still neat and simple just like how he left it a year ago. there's nothing much, no decoration hanging on his walls or photographs. but he had two desks in there, all occupied with many, many books. he stared at those piles of papers, reminiscing his younger days. since he couldn't go to a normal school, he was home-schooled. the lack of having friends around his age also ignites his interest in books, since through writings he could experience things he can't do. 

walking to the desk right next to his window, toge opened the first drawer. a faint smile graced his features as he took a book, the cover still intact. he opened the first page and saw a familiar scribbling, ones he knew all too well. 

for inumaki-kun! 

as simple as that, and the memories came flooding back into his head. a little girl with neatly braided hair, wearing a white long-sleeved dress that goes down to her knees. it was the first time he met her when both of them were ten years old, during a reunion between his family and her's. his mother told him beforehand that they had just come back to Japan from abroad after fifteen years, and during the old days, both families used to help each other out.

toge knows what that means. he'll have to greet them politely and carefully, then after making himself present he should excuse himself for he's not at the age to attend events like this yet. he doesn't mind, really. it's not like he could do much either, and afterward, he could go on about his day.

he clearly didn't expect to see a kid around his age the next morning, standing beside her father who soon toge learns were the current head of the clan. she bowed awkwardly, clearly not familiar with this tradition given the times she spent aboard. wait, this is the first time she's in Japan, toge thought to himself after remembering what his mother said. he wondered if she could speak Japanese. but even if she could, he won't be able to talk to her. whether there is someone around his age or not, it doesn't change the fact that he can't do as freely as he wants to.

"are you inumaki toge-kun?" he was reading a storybook, Charlotte's Web, on a bench by the fish pond when you approached him. just like him, you're still underage to know what your parents are talking about. toge was kind of taken aback that you were able to speak Japanese fluently. now, he wonders if you knew about his cursed technique.

answering your question, toge nodded. "my mother told me we're the same age, nice to meet you." you continued introducing your name, then, "do you mind if I sit here?" 

toge was kind of confused. he did meet other kids before, but they all kept their distance or didn't even bother to talk to him. so does this mean you don't know? 

all he can do is nod; he doesn't really mind. as a host, he should welcome you properly. you sat beside him, eyes taking interest on the book in toge's hand. 

"wow, you're reading the English copy!" you exclaimed in awe, clearly not something toge had expected. "can we read it together? I liked that story." 

little toge liked the idea, that he slipped in his words. "salmon." 

almost immediately he went to cover his mouth, which was already covered by his clothing. it wasn't a dangerous word but any sane person would've been confused and think he's weird. even if they were a sorcerer as well, it's not a common thing and people either love or despise uncommon things.

but you said nothing, only looking at his face as if looking for something. he saw your brows knit together, then exclaims, "ah, was that a yes?"

relieved was an understatement. toge nodded at your question, then handing the book to you. you shuffle closer and placed the book on your left thigh, while the other part upon toge's. and without saying anything, the two of you read in silence under the warm weather.

if you were early to complete a page, you would peek to see if toge's eyes were still scanning the words or not. if not, then you would proceed. toge did the same. he had read the book before, only re-reading it now to refresh his memory on the vocabularies. he doesn't know if you could speak English well or not, but when he notices you still reading through a paragraph, he would pretend to do the same. because he noticed you peeking to check on him, and he really appreciated it. 

by the time the story ended, so did the reunion. he remembers you thanking him for the experience, though he could barely call it something fun. then you waved him goodbye with a wide smile, blue eyes shining warmly. 

"see you again, inumaki-kun!" he had waved back, also smiling behind his covered lower face. 

toge opened the second page of the old book, it was Winnie-the-Pooh. you had gifted it before you departed Japan, the news so sudden to him. turns out, you were only visiting for a holiday and once it ends, you'll return aboard since your school was there. toge didn't ask anything, such as why don't you just go to school here, or when are you coming back. he simply nodded like he always does, though it kinda felt heavy. with only a total of three times hanging out together almost six years ago, he never saw or spoke to you again.

he did ask his mother about you, and she answered that your family did that to keep you safe. from what, toge doesn't ask. he figured it's no longer his business, therefore he'll just remember the memory and appreciate the gift. now almost six years later, he re-reads the book in the comfort of his room. and as he reads through it, he was reminded of an old friend, a great one, and the warmth she radiates. for the first time in a while, he didn't feel as heavy after a nightmare. 

***

his second year in Jujutsu Tech has been okay so far, continuing the journey with his friends (although yuuta is often absent, off to solo missions) and also new juniors. toge has grown, and he is in a better place. he made friends, met new people, and now has juniors asking him for advice (only fushiguro, though). he had just finished his class and ready to get back to his dorm room when he saw someone walking out of ieiri-san's room. 

she had long hair, braided neatly in a familiar way. she had an attire alike to ieiri-san's, topped with a white coat. and then she turned around, blue eyes meeting his violet ones. almost instantly her eyes went wide and a big smile plastered her face. 

"inumaki-kun!" you greeted, walking closer. the both of you had grown and is the same height, just like back then. a few physical traits change here and there, but aside from all that, it's all the same. 

toge can't believe that you were there. he wanted to say a lot of things; wanted to ask why were you here, when did you come back, how long are you staying, but he could only nod and smile.

"salmon." was all he could say, a pang striking his chest. how have you been? he wanted to say, but it never came out.

"ieiri-san told me there's a second-year student here from the inumaki clan and of course it was you. nice seeing you again," you greeted cheerfully just like the old times. toge gave her his thumbs-up, hoping she would get the message that the feeling is mutual. you were about to say something when ieiri came out from her room and chuckling as she saw the interaction. 

"she's here as my assistant, not a student," she explained straight to the point, and toge tilted his head in confusion. "a reverse cursed technique user, just like me. still a long way to go, though. but she has the spirit." she joked, patting the girl's shoulder affectionately. ieiri then excused herself, leaving the two by themselves once again. 

toge never knew she had that cursed technique. he did see her flow of energy back then but it wasn't so clear and maybe that was the reason her family took her aboard, far from home. so what made her came back? toge watched you walking ahead, motioning him to come along. the two walk side by side and she began elaborating.  

"I just got back here last week, had to arrange a few stuff here and there back home. then only today I move here to start my internship, I guess." you rubbed the back of your neck, a gesture toge has never seen before. he nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"my cursed technique was fully activated when I was 14, and my family had to make a big decision whether to exploit it or not. after two long years of discussing," you rolled your eyes, remembering the banter. it was mostly just your mother and her side of family saying no, insisting they leave the jujutsu world behind while your father's said that it's a blessing to be able to help others. clearly, you agreed with him more. 

"here I am. not as a student, but under ieiri-san's wing." you ended the story with a small smile, "and for real, I'm really glad to see you. it's really nice to see a familiar face around." you chuckled, and toge joined quietly. he was about to hand his phone when a group of people showed up and immediately took interest in you.

panda was the first to ask who you were, and introducing himself. you were about to answer when maki cuts you to it, already hearing the news. the first years observed in awe, clearly not expecting a new doctor in school. he saw you introducing yourself warmly, the same smile plastered on your face. still as friendly as ever, toge thought. 

"this kid over here often gets himself beaten, so watch out for him please," panda pointed at itadori, who went red at the statement. flustered, he shook his head trying to explain but everyone was already agreeing with panda, which left him defeated. 

"don't forget fushiguro. I can't remember one time he finished an exorcism untouched." maki added, now making the other boy irritated. they were busy bickering here and there but toge saw that you didn't seem bothered, if anything you piped in the jokes. they were all laughing until kugisaki pointed out the important question.

"so do you know each other?" she pointed you and toge, and without missing a beat you answered. "yup. we're old friends." 

loud echoes emerged, demanding explanations. they knew little about inumaki, so this is something new. after you told them the big picture of the history, they were finally satisfied and left, giving the two of you some time alone. toge sighed internally, finally. 

he took his phone out, typing down words he wanted to say. like always, you waited patiently while walking mindlessly around the school grounds. when he gave it to you, you couldn't help but smile at his words. 

it's nice to see you again, it has been really long. looking forward to the days ahead. 

you nodded, smiling wide from ear to ear. "let's make more happy memories together, then." 

deep down his chest, toge felt warmth engulfing him. it reminded him of six years ago when he first met you, then to the familiar feeling whenever he reads the Winnie-the-Pooh book you gift him. not a lot, but it was more than enough for his troubled mind. and now having you here, he couldn't be any happier. 

***

if toge thought his life got better when he enrolled in this school, then now it's getting extra better. a whole-lot-many better than before. the two of you caught up on many things, spending time together whenever he's not on a mission or training and you're free from lessons with ieiri. 

he learned that you speak fluent English and still love reading books. he also found out that you were an only child, and there was barely any jujutsu sorcerer left in your bloodline, which made your ability special. he listened to you talking about your middle school days, where you joined the track team just for the fun of it but made your way to the main team instead. or about your first time exorcising a curse you saw at a theme park, without you really intending to do so. you loved sweet foods and treats while hating spicy foods with all your might. you can't handle the smell of cigarettes, so the first time you saw ieiri-san smoke, you scolded her it shocked the entire school upon hearing the news. 

toge listens to all your story intently, violet eyes observing your blue ones in silence. he liked your aura, always so easy-going and light. you would ramble about anything and everything one day, and nothing at all the other for that time you let him tell you whatever he wants to. it sure takes time, with typing text away and all that, but you never mind. 

through the texts, you knew of his favorite books, kept neatly back at his home. you learned about how life has been for him after entering Jujutsu Tech, his first years, and all the time he spent before you came along. from his favorite music, movies & shows to favorite foods, you kept all the texts he has sent you. not a single one deleted, even if it was just him sending you cat pics with a cat emoji, accompanied with heart eyes. or that time he butt-called you by accident, making your brows knit as you pick up the call in the middle of the night only to hear rustling sounds of his covers. but you didn't hang up, instead waited for around fifteen minutes until the rustling stop; confirming he's already asleep. 

come to think of it, he started dreaming of you around that time. he woke up confused at his call log, not remembering calling you at all. when he asked you about it, you simply said he did it by accident and you stayed to make sure he could sleep. it was just a small act, but it meant a lot for him. to the point that when he slept the next night, he dreams of little you and him sitting on the bench by the pond at his house, reading storybooks together. 

but in his dream, he could talk. he could freely comment at one cringe line in the story and made a funny remark after a bad joke. you laughed alongside him, smile all bright and wide like always. it seemed way too normal, too good to be true, that toge woke up with tear-stained cheeks. but he guessed they were happy ones since it's the first peaceful sleep he ever had in a while. if it wasn't a nightmare, his sleep would be the ones where you wake up still feeling tired and drowsy or the ones that are just 'okay, I'm up'.

when he faced his face in the mirror while brushing his teeth, his eyes trailed to the markings on his cheek and tongue. his cursed technique has been useful ever since he became a sorcerer, and yet there are times he wished it didn't exist. like now, for example. he sighed, drying his face with a towel. 

if only it was real.

***

you can't recall the last time you ever felt scared. like, really, really scared. 

it's not about getting scared after a jumpscare in a horror movie, or that time you lost ieiri-san's hecting kit after a mission. this can't even compare to that time you encounter a grade 2 curse, knowing full well you can't handle it but still did your best and survived. 

this is what you call a nightmare, a terror. the ones that had your heart beating so loud and clear, that you can feel the blood rushing through your arteries to your whole body only to not be able to progress anything from your brain into action. 

"focus." was all ieiri said as she pats your shoulder, moving to tend another sorcerer brought into the emergency infirmary. you nodded, focusing your cursed energy to mend ijichi-san. he was attacked and luckily brought here in time, and worry gnaws at you at what could happen if it was just one second late. you were worn out, having to help over eight people already. it's usually not a problem, you've dealt with injured comrades before. but this time they came with their insides torn apart, bones crushed, red everywhere and some were not even conscious - all in once. 

it didn't help at all when you recognize the current patient ieiri-san was taking care of was fushiguro, and only by looking you knew how badly injured he was. you shut your eyes, already feeling tears threatening to fall. your seniors and friends are out there fighting the curses, risking their lives, and although you know your ability is important, you curse the fact that you can't join them in battles. from the very start of the incident, the principal has stated that both ieiri-san and you are not allowed to enter the battlefield.

you understood, you surely do. but upon seeing the casualties, your feet started to tremble. 

hearing your name being called, you walked to ieiri-san to help her. the rush of patients coming in paused and you hoped it would just stop. you calmed your breath and thoughts as you hand your senior kits she requested, hands skillfully tending to your junior. you could barely see his face that was now covered in dry blood which was a mixture of his own and from the enemy. you bit your lip, following ieiri-san's instructions. 

after the two of you were done patching fushiguro up, you checked on the other patients for their vital signs. you sighed in relief when every one of them managed to survive the critical state and sat defeatedly on the floor. hugging your legs to your chest and burying your head in your hands. a specific pair of violet eyes appears in your head, and you held back the urge to just run outside and search for him. 

it's okay, he's a semi-first grade sorcerer. nothing bad would happen.

you keep repeating the sentence over and over again like a mantra, shutting your eyes close. a simple tap on your shoulder jerked you up, and you saw ieiri-san standing above you, giving a signal that meant new casualties. you gulped and collected the remaining strength you have. your hearts pray out to those on the battlefield, especially the ones you know dearly. 

gojo-sensei. maki-chan. panda. itadori. nobara. mei mei-san and her little brother. inumaki. 

inumaki. white hair, violet eyes. inumaki toge. turtlenecks and his onigiri language. toge. his small laugh whenever you say something funny, turning his eyes into beautiful crescents. his love for books, literature, and youtube. his simple dorm room, and his figure finally sleeping soundly on his bed after telling you about his nightmares. 

your breath hitched in your throat upon seeing who just came in. 

maki, carried inside with burn scars all over her body that you could barely recognize her if it weren't for her uniform and glasses. she has been your new best friend here, with the two of you being the same age and although the exact opposite of each other, still managed to form a friendship. 

you went straight to her bed only for ieiri-san to stop you, telling you to help a senior sorcerer you recognized as the head of the zenin clan, with similar scars to maki-chan's. you wanted to argue but understood that she doesn't want you to meddle your personal emotion into this. 

I hope this won't ever happen to you, ieiri-san started, but when someone dear to you is dying, don't let your emotions get in your way. you remembered her words as clear as day, as she puffed the smokes of cigarettes into the air. you frown at the sight, but her words rang in your head. it's not good for both them and you. 

taking a deep breath, you started working. but your hands were trembling, and tears were already falling down your cheeks because maki-chan is really just one bed across you. she was barely breathing. you bit your lip so hard that you could taste blood, palms harshly wiping the tears away. 

just as you thought you could start working because this is the least you can do, heck, this is the only thing you could do right now and you better gather your shit together - you feel your world crumble down to your feet. 

from where you were standing, you could see the entrance clearly and for that, you saw the principal carrying him inside, body limp. the rushing blood was no longer there, as you felt your heart stopped beating for a second and your body went cold. unconsciously, your feet moved to walk to where he was, on a bed right next to maki-chan's, to once again be stopped by ieiri-san. 

she called your name sternly, glaring daggers. "I know you're overwhelmed, but think logically." 

you saw her mouth moving, speaking to you. but you couldn't hear her words, your ears were ringing, face pale and lost. you tried to move past her, only for her to jerk your shoulders harshly. ieiri saw that you were slowly losing your mind, and she sighs. 

"I'm sorry." she raised her right hand, the principal tried to stop her. "shoko-", and 

smack!

everyone in the area turned their head to look at the source of the sound, to find ieiri's hand mid-air and your face thrown to the side. the stinging pain you felt in your cheek was nothing compared to how exhausted you felt, both physically and mentally, but it was enough to knock some sense into you. 

ieiri saw your blue eyes slowly focusing on her again, the light back in your eyes. saying nothing, you turned around and started healing zenin naobito with determination ieiri knows all too well. she sighs internally, knowing nothing would ever be the same after this. 

***

toge's dorm room is simple. 

it was neat and tidy. every piece of furniture was made from woods and he had several plants decorating the corners. some photographs hanging on the wall, and you reminisce the day when you brought the idea up; to decorate his room. 

he hesitated at first, seeing no point in it but you insisted. it will make you feel a lot better, trust me. and that's what he did. you gave him pictures after pictures of room design, trying to find what he likes. he liked the plants, so you added them to his room. he liked rugs, so you found an onigiri-shaped one for him. that rug didn't actually go well with the aesthetic of the room - all minimalist with wooden furniture and greeneries - but toge loved it. he also liked the fairy lights, so you decorated them on his window. 

the two of you were sitting on the onigiri rug, satisfied with how the room looks now. then you suggested printing photos to decorate the empty wall above his bed, to which he agreed. you remember having fun picking which pictures to print since he seemed to love them all. there were a bunch of him and the other second-years, so he picked one photo of all four of them together with gojo-sensei, then him with them individually. 

you laughed upon seeing the chosen pic with panda, when they stole nobara and maki-chan's uniform. it was hilarious. the pictures he had with the first years were not much and he frowned after realizing it, finger scrolling his gallery back and forth. 

"don't worry. you can just take a picture with them later and print them again, right?" you reassured and his happy mood came back. 

after printing the pictures and hanging them, you remember how happy toge looked. his violet eyes scanned the room with glitters in them, which reminded you of the little kid by the pond six years ago. the quiet and kind kid, always looking out for others in his own unique ways. seeing him this happy is enough for you, you won't need anything else. only to wish that he will continue his life joyfully, enjoying it to the fullest. 

you never pondered too long about the feelings bubbling in your chest at the simple thought of him. you knew what they were. and if it seems he doesn't feel the same, you're alright with that. you understood that being with you isn't quite the best place to be, for the world you two are living in is a harsh one. but every time you saw him, violet eyes shining so, so beautifully, it reminds you of a place that you can't put a finger on. 

you squinted your eyes when you felt something vibrate in your pocket. fluttering your eyes open, you grab your phone and saw that it was an incoming call from maki-chan. you picked it up, sitting up carefully and walked out of the room without a noise. 

"how did it go, maki-chan?" you asked, now standing in the hallways of the dorm. you hear maki speaking to someone else, before replying. 

"yuuta and the others are on their way here." she replied. you toned down your voice even though you know no one's around from the flow of cursed energy. 

"keep me updated, and please be careful." you whispered, and you can hear maki chuckle. 

"of course. who do you think I am?" she joked, and you rolled your eyes. maki paused, before asking you another question. "how is he?" 

her tone was cautious, and you gripped the phone tighter. "still a sleeping beauty, but vitals are getting better." you answered, biting your lip. 

"i see," maki said, "that's a relief. take care, then." she said and after bidding bye, you hang up. sliding your phone back in your pockets, you took a deep breath before entering toge's room again. 

he was heavily injured during the battle. it even cost him his left arm and some of his ribs were broken, but he's getting better. what made you worry was the fact that he's still asleep after almost over a week. his vitals were okay, his wounds closing and bones slowly mending back together. you and ieiri-san had to take turns taking care of unconscious patients, and all of them has woke up, except for him. 

you've used your technique to heal him, to search for any errors; but there were none. ieiri-san said to just let him be, to let him rest for a while. every sorcerer's body is different, so all you can do now is wait and keep a close watch upon him. 

meanwhile, everything has been turned upside down outside. gojo-sensei was sealed and the higher-ups made stupid decisions that were selfish; they were just thinking of themselves. itadori was 'executed' by okkotsu and now the rest of you who's planning to free gojo are moving undercover, careful with each step. 

you knew you don't have much advantage in battle and you accepted that fact, so all you can do now is support them with whatever you got. 

sighing heavily, you sunk to the floor of toge's room, back leaning against the wall. from there, you can see him sleeping soundly on his bed and if you didn't know better you would think that he's just in a deep slumber. well, maybe he is after all. you've lost the energy to cry, to be angry, or to be sad and stressed. tired, you stood up and walked to his bed. checking his condition once again and making sure everything's fine, you sat on the onigiri rug. your head rested on your arms on his bed, a few inches away from his body. closing your eyes, you hoped to meet his eyes when you wake up from this nightmare. 

***

he dreamt of you again. 

but this time it's not at his house when they were kids, it's in his dorm room. your hair was down, each soft strand blown softly by the wind coming from his window.

he liked your hair like this, a little more than them braided. you looked softer yet the same time heavenly this way, like a goddess of some sort. those long, dark locks are so in contrast with your blue eyes. not as bright as gojo-sensei's, or as deep as fushiguro's. it's just the perfect shade of blue that he enjoys getting lost in whenever you're next to him. 

he listened to you talking about your day, the two of you sitting on the onigiri rug together. he replies verbally as if his curse didn't exist and by that point, toge knows that this is just a dream. but he didn't mind. if it meant he could say anything he wants whenever, he'd stay forever. he lingered on your words, planting this very moment in his memory so that when he wakes up, he would still remember it. 

because here, he doesn't get to worry if you'll get bored of him someday. he doesn't have to be afraid that you'll find someone better, someone you can talk to. here, he can give you the comfort you've always given him.  he wants to make you feel real easy and hear you talk for hours. he wants to give you what he can afford, because hell, everything you do, toge adores. 

this is just a dream, right? so, it should be okay if he asks to hold your hand, right? 

he called your name, and he liked the way it sounds rolling off his tongue. "can I hold your hand?"  

toge gulped nervously, catching the surprise in your eyes. this felt too real to be a dream. what if you don't want to be around him anymore? 

but then you reached out for him, your hands encasing his' warmly. toge relaxes at the touch, happy that he gets to hold your smaller hands in his. and when he looked back at you, the sunlight hitting your form and it made you glow toge was sure he saw a halo above your head. he saw your eyes, smiling sincerely, and it reminded him of the sea. 

ah, right. toge thought, I've always wanted to tell her how her eyes reminded me of the sea. 

but he never did, because he was afraid of the outcome. because telling you that means confessing his feelings; how those blue orbs were so beautiful and he'd drown in them anytime. he was not ready for the rejection. he'll understand it, though. why would you, someone that is so bright and wonderful, want to be with the quiet, almost mute, boring, inumaki toge? 

he glanced at your hands then back to your face, those blue orbs bore into his own. toge smiled sadly, if only this was real. 

"bye-bye." 

and toge closed his eyes, ready to face the harsh reality once again. he blinked a few times, adjusting his vision with the lighting in the room. his head felt heavy and mind hazy, so he took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. after focusing on his energy he opens his eyes again and noticed that he was in his room. 

when he remembers the incident, his eyes went wide and he sat up abruptly. but he winced in pain that stung his left side of his body, forcing him to lay back down. and upon doing so, he notices you there, right beside him. 

toge was about to panic when he saw his missing left arm, but all the worry dissipates once he laid eyes upon your sleeping form. questions about where is gojo-sensei, how are the others, how is he here, and many more, they all evaporate just at the sight of you. he adjusted his position on the bed, grimacing at the sight of his condition. but he ignored it for now, as he observes you.

your breathing was even, yet you seem exhausted. how long has it been since the incident? he knew you were at the infirmary with ieiri-san and it gave him relief, knowing you would be safe. he scanned through your form, trying to find any injuries, and sighed gladly when he founds none. your cursed energy was flowing steadily too, so he guessed you were exhausted from healing and taking care of others.

toge smiled. he rarely gets to you like this, so soft and vulnerable. you've always played the role of a tough girl since you're a doctor, always soothing your patients and ensuring them that everything would be okay. and you always kept your words, doing your very best to help them. he fought the urge to ran his hands through your dark locks, and bit his lip. it should be fine, right? you're asleep. no one would know.  

he must've lost his mind after his left arm because inumaki toge would've never dare do this. with his right hand, he tried to reach for you carefully. when his palm made contact with your head, you surprised him by nudging your head in your sleep. toge paused, worried that he had woken you up. but you didn't, so he ran his fingers through your hair softly. 

your hair was down just like in his dream and for once toge prefers this reality to his dream. because you in his dream were no match to the real you, who sleeps right beside him right now. he frowned once realizing that it must've been an uncomfortable position for you and wonders what he can do with his current situation. he could've pick you up, but he's not sure of his own strength. and he's missing an arm. 

while his head were running miles on how to help you get comfortable, he didn't notice your eyes suddenly fluttering open. he noticed it when it was too late, his right hand still playing with strands of your hair while he stared at his window. your voice was the one that broke his trance. 

"inumaki-kun?" 

you called out for him, causing him to turn to you instantly. panicking, toge let go of your hair and tried to sit up straight - forgetting his injury in the process - and winced. you stood up instantly and helped him lean against the headboard, then turned to the nightstand and gave him a glass of water. 

not meeting your eyes, he took the glass and gulped it down in one go. he hands you the empty glass, and when your fingers brush through the process, he grimaced. he prepared himself to explain why he was playing with your hair and apologize for it, ready to see you get angry at him and then avoid him, ready to-

he didn't even get to finish his inner thought when he was suddenly wrapped in a huge embrace, one that was so warm, one that he wants to be in for a long time. no longer thinking, he did what he wanted to do and hugged you back just as tight, though he noticed how you were careful not to crush his left side. he stiffens when he feels your body shake, and it was followed by you sobbing. 

worried, he let go of the hug to look at you properly. those blue eyes were filled with tears, which droplets were already rolling down your cheeks and down to his sheets. you tried to wipe them away with your palms, but the movement was so aggressive that toge winced. he reached for your left hand, stopping you. puffy eyes peeking at him, you watch as he mouthed: please don't cry. 

if anything, those words would only make you cry more. but you took a deep breath and calmed yourself, all the while with his hand still holding yours, rubbing the back of your hand slowly with his thumb. he just sat there silently, waiting for you to say something. 

"you were asleep for eight days," you started, still sobbing. he nodded, taking the information in. he expected you to elaborate about the situation, about what happened, and what to do afterward, but the words leaving your mouth left him silent. 

"I thought I lost you." 

toge doesn't know if you meant that in the way he wanted, but those words made his heart rate quicken. were you that worried about him? 

your blue eyes now looking at him, though still puffy and red and some tears still escaped from it, waiting for his response. so toge mouthed: I'm okay, thankyou. 

he saw you looking at your intertwined hands and realizing it he pulled away - only to have you grab his hand tighter. toge's eyes went wide, violet eyes searching for your blue ones, waiting for you to say something because if you don't, he might get his hopes up that he could actually be with you, that you actually felt the same. but it couldn't be, right?

"I love you." 

toge was stoned. he froze, never once in his dreams dared to say those three words to you. he could barely function as you continued, voice a pitch higher and talking faster, a trait he knows all too well you do whenever you panic. 

"and I get it if you don't feel the same, it's totally okay. I just think that now could be the last time-" 

you don't get to finish your words that toge could continue himself. I just think that now could be the last time we saw each other, so at least I should let you know. of course he knows, because that's what he wanted to say every time he went on dangerous missions. it peaked right before the incident before he bid you goodbye outside the car, but he couldn't. call him a coward and he'll accept it, that's way better than the risk of losing you. 

but to find out that you felt the same, made his head felt light. it's like the chains binding his heart were finally broken and his nightmares and fears were driven away all at once by you. hell, he didn't even think about the pain searing from his left side when he abruptly sits up and grabbed your shoulder, crashing his lips onto yours.

his lips linger upon yours for a few seconds, silencing and leave you wide-eyed. and when he pulled away, smiling that gorgeous smile of his with those violet eyes, you've found the answer. 

you watched as he mouthed the words you've wanted to hear this whole time: 

I love you too.