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He hums along in his head to the old melody they used to sing with a bluetooth plug in one side of his ear. Watching the two new friends in front of him laugh by themselves. Jisung on the other hand, sat there listening through one of his ears.
tiring here..
is what he thought to himself staring directly at one of the men.
Han walked up from the table and was stopped when one of them questioned where he was going.
“Oh i'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be back.”
The other turned back around and continued his path to the restroom. Upon entering the restroom he took out a plastic orange container filled with white pills. He went up to the sinks and turned the faucet on. After that the boy spilled out a couple of the pills onto his hand and threw them in his mouth, swallowing it with water from his hand. The bathroom water was definitely not the best water but better than any water he was going to get in the musty area.
Jisung reached for his phone in the back pocket of his pants and turned it on to check any messages from friends, family, or even fans. Of course there were many from his fans, but nothing from anybody else. That made him feel dull, having people that barely knew him check up on him and tell him that they love him so dearingly much. It didn't matter how much they told him that though, because no matter what, it wasn't the people he cared for. It was random strangers that saw him through the internet.
Shutting his phone off he started heading back to the table where he previously sat at with the others. Half way walking he saw the two still talking like no tomorrow, there was obviously chemistry between them.
He hated it.
He hated it so much. How they just been friends for a month and seemed to have a better relationship than Jisung ever had. Especially with one of the boys, Lee Minho. One of his group mates out of seven.
Minho and Jisung were casually going around Seoul to find some interesting activities to do. On the way of their little adventure they had bumped into a tall young man. He was about 5’10 and had long black hair. Minho looked at him as if he was a goddess and asked him what his name was.
“My name's Hyunjin! Sorry for all my stuff falling on you!”
“Oh no.. you're fine.” Minho replied to Hyunjin with his eyes still fixed on the taller.
Jisung stared at the two with guilt. Guilt for ever wanting Minho.
Thinking about it now he could have probably stopped them from exchanging contacts but stayed quiet.
Making his way up to the table he sat back down and the boys looked at him.
“Uh Hey Jisung,”
Jisung, what happened to Sungie or Hannie.
“hm?”
“Me and Hyunjin have to tell you something..”
I already know, Minho, I already know.
“Oh? What is it?!” Jisung answered back.
“We're dating, as in boyfriends!” A giggle came out of Hyunjins mouth after Minho’s statement.
“Oh! Really! You two look nice together! I’m so happy for you guys! Remember to keep it a secret though.” Jisung replied to them, making his voice sound loud and excited. Truthfully, he was most definitely faking it.
“Uh-Uhm ok, I’m gonna go back to the dorms now, i’ll see you later Minho!” Han smiled at the newly couple and waved while exiting the cafe.
That's great, their dating.
Jisung tried his best to think positively about their relationship and he was able to, for about half the walk home. Until he really thought about it. It was fucking terrible. He loved Minho so much, and for so long.
I can't think that, i’ll be a bad friend if i do. friend..
His feelings had been busted already and just seeing his friends flirt with each other for a month and then actually getting together made it worse.
Arriving home he slipped off his platform shoes and headed towards the kitchen. He searched through the three fridges checking for any food. He wasn't able to find anything that would suit his appetite and just grabbed a bottle of water. The boy walked to the shared bedroom to see Jeongin sleeping with his back turned to the room.
Trying to be careful, Jisung changes his clothing into an oversized shirt and random track pants from his closet. He laid on the bed and checked his phone again for anything from his fans. That could be the best thing he had right there.
Scrolling on Instagram he decided to check their group accounts messages. He clicked the button with the word “Requests” and tried finding a decent and loving message. He didn't find any messages that could make him cheer up. The blue haired boy continued looking at messages until he found a slightly interesting one.
>stayvill_0325
hi stray kids! I love you guys so much but you guys should really replace jisung. He’s really bad at everything you guys need someone pretty tall and actually good at rapping and dancing. he doesn't even fit in eith the group so please find someone else to replace him ;-;
-
Wow.
That's all he could think of, wow.
Am I really that bad? Why didn't they tell me. Not even Minho could like me. Why would anybody else.. Do I really suck that much though. Why. Why. Why.
Jisung closed his eyes and tried falling asleep which ended up in the young man crying himself to sleep instead.
The morning after that he woke up around a quarter to elevn. He felt miserable just waking up and having to look at people. The light was terribly bright and it was hot. Jeongin had already woken up two hours earlier and was currently in their living room.
Jisung sat up from his bed and checked his phone, desperate for messages from his family and friends.
New Messages
Aussie 1
Hey Jisung can you and Minho go and pick up some meat today, we're having a grill later and I don't have time to get it haha..
Jisung sighed, he really didn't want to even look at Minho. He still felt guilty about last night and felt like he could possibly break down from just the word hyunjin and minho in a sentence.
Too tired and feeling bad, he decided to lay back down on his bed. Jisung layed there for another thirty minutes watching videos on youtube when something popped up on his recommendations.
Minsung Moments that seem unreal
The black haired boy just laughed at that,
i wish, i wish it was real.
Even though the video seeming very cringey, he clicked on it.
yeah nevermind.
he laughed to himself again feeling a little bit better than before.
knock knock
“Hello?” Jisung sat up from his bed and looked at the door.
“Jisungie we need to go to the store.”
Oh. It's Minho.
Han cleared his throat before replying to the elder.
“Ok I need to change my clothes first.”
“Ok then hurry up I’ll be in the living room.”
Jisung sighed once more and changed his sleeping outfit into a pair or black skinny jeans and another oversized black shirt.
He came out of his room and saw Minho calling someone on the phone. He was laughing and smiling while talking to them.
“Oh Hyunjin we have to go to the store! I’ll call you back when I get outside!”
The younger boy's stomach twisted. He felt a wave of hotness run over his body and he just almost ran back into the room.
“Let’s go.”
Minho and Jisung needed to walk an order to get to the store since their manager usually drives them around.
Minho pulled out his phone and clicked Hyunjins contact. He pressed on the facetime icon and had the biggest smile on his face even with his face being blocked by the mask, you were still able to see his crescent shaped eyes.
They talked with each other during the whole walk and it almost felt like Jisung was on a walk with Hyunjin and Minho. The two arrived at the store with Minho talking to Hyunjin through an earbud.
whats so special about hyunjin. why cant i be like him.
They picked up the meat and were now going back home. It was almost the time when Chan arrived back from the studio and they obviously needed to prep. Jisung on the other hand couldn't help but think about how Hyunjin was practically everything he wasn't.
Jisung and Minho went into the kitchen as soon as they got to their dorms and gathered the other boys to start setting the table and prepare the meat and veggies. They set their grill on the table and gathered everyone at the table.
“Jisungie come over here!” Chan yelled at home from the living room.
“Hey hyung, I actually need to go to the company. JYP said he needed to talk to me about a project.
“Oh really? I can call JYP and tell him to reschedule it.”
“No it's fine! I already told him I would be there so see you guys!”
Jisung left their dorm room and called their manager to come pick him up. Their manager arrived after ten minutes or Jisung waited outside. He could hear the other members having fun without him. They sounded so happy. Happy even without him.
Once his manager stopped in front of the dorms Jisung went inside the van and asked their manager for the keycard to the JYP rooftop.
“Oh why do you need it?”
“I want to record some of the flowers for our fans! Since there's a garden up there I want to make a special video for our fans.” Jisung replied to his question smiling.
He seemed okay, but that's what everyone thought.
His manager gave him the keycard and continued his drive to the company building.
“Bye hyung! See you next time!” He waved goodbye to his manager as he watched him drive off.
He went inside the building and gave his ID to the receptionist. Once the woman checked his card he went on his way to the elevator and to the rooftop.
Jisung, you really want this. Don’t go back now.
The boy walked up to the edge of the tall wall and lifted his legs over the walls, dangling his feet over the edge. Yeah this was dangerous, but that was the point.
As Jisung sat there he had a single thought,
why am i not good enough. am i to terrible? am i that bad at everything that minho can't even accept me. chan really believed me as well. i hate you hwang hyunjin. why cant i be you. why cant i just be as perfect as you. why cant you not exist. why. why. why.
Jisung took out a small notepad and a pen. He wrote a small note on the paper. He set down the stack of paper and pen next to him and before you knew it,
he had fallen forwards.
why not me.