Work Text:
It was getting harder for Seonghwa to leave his apartment. The world seemed bigger everyday, nearly exploding with life, and he didn’t feel like he was a part of any of it. He used to be fine with that. Happy almost. Content with the idea that he’d live out his days alone in his high rise apartment surrounded with his Gundam figures and subsisting off of meal delivery kits until he died of old age.
But somehow… he found a reason to leave the apartment. There was someone out there that he had to meet.
It was around half past ten when he found the pub that had been listed on the shady website. A haphazardly hung sign that read The Answer creaked above him as he ducked into the dimly lit entrance of the building. He cringed as a gaggle of girls in their twenties leaned in close to him while he hurried down the hallway. Their lingering glances and soft touches with nails like claws had him pushing himself against the narrow hallway’s wall that was lined with cushioned red velvet and smelled of years of smoke and spilled liquor.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Hell, if this was just a month or two ago… I never would have even considered it.
Despite his discomfort, a soft smile crept up on his face as he thought back to that night almost exactly two months ago. It was one of the most important nights he had ever experienced. And it was all because he discovered him.
Kim Hongjoong
The door at the end of the long, poorly lit hallway was an equally gauche black, shining leather with glittery “diamonds” dotting it erratically. He assumed that there used to be some pattern to the “diamonds”, but over time and with the help of many drunks with sticky fingers, it was now just a patchwork eyesore that made Seonghwa’s hands itch in his pockets. Right as he reached the door, it opened automatically as if of its own volition. He assumed it was a technological feat but couldn’t help but feel even more intimidated by the unexpected turn of events.
As the door creaked open and he timidly stepped through, a plume of smoke hit his face like a solid wall. The acrid intake of breath was enough to nearly knock him off his feet; his eyes watered and pinched together with discomfort at the sensation as he leaned down to clear his throat and vision.
“You new here?”
The voice came from behind the bar to his right. Seonghwa nodded at the man politely before moving closer to speak up with a shy smile, “I’m here to see Kim Hongjoong.”
He could feel his face heat up as he said it, and he knew that the bartender noticed too. The man was quite tall and had eyes and a smile like pure sunbeams as he chirped out, “Most of these people are. You look a little different than his normal fans, but that’s okay. I’m a fan too.”
Seonghwa extended his hand over the bar and said, “I’m Park Seonghwa. It’s nice to meet you.”
The man behind the bar’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment, staring at the hand in front him, before he grabbed it and shook it excitedly. “Hiya, Seonghwa. I’m Song Mingi, but you can just call me Sugar while I’m behind the bar.”
Seonghwa’s grip faltered for a moment at the concept, but his smile was quick to return as he concluded, “Ok then… I’ve never drank alcohol before. What’s good, sugar?”
Mingi’s laugh bounced around the deserted bar area as he leaned down to grab a menu with one hand and a bowl of pretzels with the other. “Well, do you like sweet, sour, bitter? Chocolate, fruity? Gimme some options here!”
“I love sour stuff. But sweet stuff too! Can you make something like that? Like candy?”
Mingi cooed and pretended to faint as he shouted out, “Oh you’re just the cutest! Of course I can. Let’s try an amaretto sour! Best of both worlds.”
As Mingi crashed around behind him in a flurry of activity, Seonghwa’s eyes surveyed the pub around him. The rest of the building was just as unsophisticated as the hallway had been. There was a smattering of wooden tables lined with green felt that seemed to rock under the weight of the excited patrons. Mostly females in their late teens or early twenties. Beyond the tables was a wooden dance floor that was barely lit beyond a few hanging lamps. Maroon shades over the low lighting bathed the room a sinister shade of crimson as slow jazz melded with the dim lighting to paint an alluring mood across the barely furnished area. Although there were probably only about sixty people in the room, it felt like a packed auditorium to Seonghwa. As his mind registered this fact, he found it hard to focus on anything in front of him at all. His hands and face began to tingle as his attempts to take in a deep breath became harder and harder. Almost impossible. If he could just breathe. Hongjoong would never notice someone like him. Someone who couldn’t even leave his apartment. Could barely talk to the delivery guy who brought his meal kits every week. If he could just breathe. If he was just…
“You good, Seonghwa?” Mingi’s voice slid into his mind as if from a distance. He tried to breathe again and found that it was getting a little more manageable. Not easy. But not impossible. He could do this. He turned back to the bar and nodded with his eyes downcast. In front of him sat a relatively small rounded glass filled to the brim with an orangeish brown drink and garnished with a slice of orange and a cherry.
Mingi’s eyes were wide and expectant as he hesitantly lifted the glass to his lips. The first sip wasn’t unbearable, but it was certainly unfamiliar. The flavor profile definitely touched on the tastes that they discussed earlier. He felt more comfortable by the third sip and hummed in a pleased way as he registered the sharp zing of sour lemony sugar that woke his tongue up before the sweet, nutty warmth lulled it back to sleep.
With a shaky smile up at Mingi, Seonghwa gave him a thumbs up before draining the drink entirely.
“Whoa...slow down, partner. You said you’ve never drank before right?”
Seonghwa’s voice was rough from the still brewing tumult in his mind as he mumbled out, “I’ll have another, Sugar.”
Though the bartender was hesitant, he flitted around behind the bar again to appease the consumer. In this case, Seonghwa.
As Mingi fumbled about excitedly and the alcohol began to seep into his blood like molten caramel, Seonghwa thought back to the night that he discovered Kim Hongjoong.
He had been scrolling through Twitter, avoiding all things political and depressing, when a video showed up on his timeline. His general procedure with fancams was to ignore their existence entirely. He had yet to stumble across one that even remotely interested him until that night. The video was kind of grainy like it was an actual video from a fan though. It showed a petite man, not the tallest and not the smallest, with fading pinkish red hair. He wore a pair of plain black pants and a loose fitting silky blue shirt that laced up the front. Seonghwa had to admit that his eyes clung to the laces that were barely tied to reveal a smattering of creamy, unblemished skin. In the video, all the man did was sing, smile, then do a wave type motion with his body. That was it.
So why the hell did Seonghwa, a person that only listened to chiptune and thrash metal, watch that video over 200 times that night?
He couldn’t even begin to tell you, but he knows that he’s thankful every single day that he found it. He would almost go so far as to say that the video kind of saved his life. Yes...Seonghwa was still a shut-in with little to no prospects for recovery in his life, but after finding the video, he actually started to make some changes.
Every day he would watch the video and try something new. Something that he thought the fiery-haired pixie man would like. He started doing push-ups then sit ups then eating less takeout then making more fresh meals. Instead of leaving his house a mess for days on end, he’d roll out of his bed and make it. He’d brush his teeth in the morning and wipe down the counter and mirror. He’d attempt to apply light makeup and wear new outfits for his meetings over Zoom for his soul-sucking remote programming position.
Is it pathetic to only decide to live your life because you saw a fancam on Twitter of a pretty guy? Maybe to some. But for Seonghwa, it worked, and he felt better most days because of it.
After a few days, he figured out that the singer’s name was Kim Hongjoong. A bluesy, technicolor siren that was close to impossible to meet outside of his scant tour stops. The song, Live Alive, turned out to be a sad but beautiful song that seemed to speak to Seonghwa in a way that music hadn’t managed to do in a long time. Though the video had gone pretty viral, he was still a relatively unknown indie artist that only performed a limited amount of in person gigs. According to a heart-squeezing selfie of him snuggled up in a comforter in bed on his Instagram, Kim Hongjoong didn’t like leaving the house either. Knowing this made Seonghwa especially happy. His chest swirling with unfounded heat and affection. He wished they could stay home together.
He was shaken from his thoughts as another glass was placed in front of him. This one was less full. “This is your last one, sweetie. It tastes good going down but not so great coming back out.”
Seonghwa chuckled and looked down at his first glass. His eyes latched onto the cherry that sat forlornly on the melting chunks of sticky ice. He pulled it out by the stem and looked at it more closely. He’s not sure if it’s the drink he had, but it really appeared to be the prettiest and most symmetrical cherry he’d ever seen.
“You gonna eat that?”
Seonghwa nearly fumbled the slippery fruit as a new, higher voice sounded from his side. His eyes widened substantially when he turned to see Kim Hongjoong himself crouching haphazardly on the stool next to him like some obscenely resplendent gargoyle. Seonghwa’s mouth was a desert, and his brain was a train whistle as he stuttered out, “S-Sorry?”
Hongjoong giggled.
Oh god...that giggle.
“I asked if you’re gonna eat that.” He said with a wry smile.
If a full orchestra walked into that stupidly dark room and started playing Beethoven’s Fifth in that moment, Seonghwa wouldn’t have even noticed. The only things in the entire world were those teeth, that tongue, those eyes, that hair, that…
His thoughts were interrupted again as the determined man beside him rested his arms down on the bar, leaned his head on them, and turned to look up at Seonghwa with puppy dog eyes. “Are you ignoring me?”
“Wh-what? No… god...never. I would never. Y-You can have it. I have a second one here anyway.” He rushed out all at once. His thumb and pointer finger still held the tip of the stem as he extended his arm directly above Hongjoong’s face that was still frowning in his direction. The other man’s eyes widened as the cherry bumped against his pouty lips. Seonghwa’s eye twitched as a quick, pink tongue flicked out to grab the offered treat then shot back in like it was never there.
Seonghwa’s arm was still fully extended, stem in hand, watching Hongjoong chew merrily when Mingi stopped back over in front of him.
“Seonghwa, your drink’s gonna taste yucky if you let the ice melt too much. Drink up!” His eyes seemed to disappear with the introduction of an even more beaming smile as he noticed Hongjoong at Seonghwa’s side. “Oh, Hongjoong! I didn’t see you there. You want your regular?”
Hongjoong’s eyes were on Seonghwa’s still extended arm and dangling fingers as he nodded and shifted excitedly in his seat. “Yeah… put it on this guy’s tab. You said his name is Seonghwa, right?”
“Yep… big fan of Kim Hongjoong, this one is.” Mingi said with sparkles in his eyes as he hurried away to grab another drink.
“Great...so you don’t mind buying me a drink, right? You look way better off financially than anyone else that comes to this shithole.”
Somehow, as Hongjoong spoke, Seonghwa noticed his own stupidly hanging arm in front of him and stuffed it into his lap and turned away from Hongjoong. He leaned down and lapped at his drink like a kitten then stopped himself when he remembered where he was. His head turned back over to Hongjoong mid-lick and found two pairs of wide, confused eyes looking back at him.
“Huh…” Hongjoong seemed stumped and just kept watching, “Don’t stop on my account. I have to admit that I’ve never drank like that, but that is how I eat ice cream exclusively.”
At that, Mingi returned and Seonghwa slid his card across the bar.
“For both of you?” Mingi asked with a grin. Seonghwa just nodded and popped the second cherry into his mouth without a word. He could feel eyes on his face as he chewed softly and spit the pit into his napkin. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth as he extended it to lick at his lower then upper lip slowly to rid them of excess juice from the tart treat.
A throat cleared beside him which seemed to wake him from his slightly tipsy haze. “Well, duty calls.” Hongjoong gracefully vaulted out of his seat and drained his drink in a few quick sips before meeting Seonghwa’s eyes. “Pleasure meeting you.”
He hesitated for a second as if waiting for Seonghwa’s response. Though it felt like the room was spinning and his chair was moving all on its own, he somehow managed to mumble out, “No you.”
Hongjoong snorted and pushed his arm with a flourish then hurried away with a bashful grin on his face.
As if apparating from thin air, Mingi was at his side with no warning to say, “I’ve gotta admit...I thought you were a lost cause in here, but I’ve never seen the lil’ guy so stirred up. You use some kinda pickup line on him or something?”
Seonghwa stilled and looked down into his half empty drink with a scrunched up face. “I don’t think I said anything at all.”
Mingi clapped and laughed at the response. “Oh--that’s even better! Little weirdo probably likes it when people ignore him.”
Oh...I very much doubt that.
Seonghwa shivered. The unbidden thought brought up memories that he had been trying to suppress. With a soft groan, his nails dug into his palms in a grounding fashion. Think of anything else. Think of the drink that Mingi made you. Thanks for tuning in tonight. I know it’s really late where you are. But I can help you unwind. Think of the barely cleaned ashtrays lining the bar with filthy ashes and lipstick lined cigarette butts. I was feeling so lonely until I saw that you came. Thanks for keeping me company, handsome. Think of the ceiling spackled with what appeared to be black mold? Or was that just more stains from years of allowing cigarettes and sparse cleaning?
The excited chattering behind Seonghwa awakened him from his reverie. A nervous buzzing skirted along the skin of his neck and spine as whispers and soft laughter revved up to excited clapping and cheering. Seonghwa was hardly conscious of the crowd that had tripled while he drank.
His eyes saw only Hongjoong.
“Thanks for coming tonight. My name is Kim Hongjoong, and this is “Lone Alone”.”
It could’ve been minutes or hours from the time Hongjoong took the stage behind a microphone armed with only an acoustic guitar and his raw voice. Seonghwa couldn’t tell you. His mind was but a vehicle created by the heavens to hold and transport Hongjoong’s dulcet tones. To kneel and weep at his words so close to home yet too far to touch. His voice hurt and soothed like honey flavored razor blades and sunlight drenched Nightshade.
It mended Seonghwa’s chest just as it tore open its own sutures.
He wanted to experience it every day until he died and even after that if death and the fates would allow it.
The crowd roared in the small room. Girls clambered over each other in an attempt to get closer and touch the only person that Seonghwa could see. His chest thumped at the sight.
“Thank you again for coming out tonight.” His dimmed eyes searched the crowd until they landed on Seonghwa who was staring right back at him slack jawed and fully enraptured. He maintained eye contact as he grabbed his microphone and moved across the stage to take a seat behind a piano. The eyes on him went from dim to luminous as he concluded, “This last song holds a special place in my heart. When I heard it for the first time, I immediately knew that I had to make music for a living. This is “Wild is the Wind” as performed by Nina Simone in New York in 1964.”
Seonghwa’s chest clenched as Hongjoong released an audible exhale into his microphone that now sat atop the piano. For the past hour, he had used every ounce of self control that he had to ignore his thoughts and bury his memories as deep as they would go. But as the man’s gentle hands fell to the piano keys with such delicate care, Seonghwa’s mind was transported to just a week ago in his apartment.
Like any young man his age, he had just settled into his bed with his laptop opened to a popular cam site. This one was specifically for camboys as opposed to camgirls. There was something about the concept of live webcams of a sexual nature that lit Seonghwa on fire with excitement. It was a more personal and passionate experience than some overly saturated, glossy suck and fuck throwaway video with no heart.
He clicked through a few videos to see if there was anything of interest. Too tall. Too muscular. Too much latex. Way too much latex. What on earth was that metal thing and where did he plan to put that?
He nearly slammed his laptop shut at that moment but hesitated when a new rectangle popped up in the top left corner of his screen.
He hated to be Goldilocks, but this one looked just right. His mouth nearly salivated as he clicked the window to expand it on his screen. It was a simple set up. White sheet against the wall with fairy lights and glowing planets. Clean but ruffled white sheets on a small bed. And in the middle of it was a man with a small frame draped in only an oversized white t-shirt that draped off one shoulder and rode up to the middle of his firm, pale thighs. The shirt only climbed higher as the man repositioned himself from sitting cross-legged to kneeling.
Like most cams, you could only see from his chin down for anonymity purposes, but what a chin and neck it was. Skin so soft and spotless it was like a continuation of the flawless cotton bedding under the man’s peachy knees. The man was silent for a minute as he typed some messages on his phone and rearranged himself in bed to be more comfortable.
“Thanks for tuning in tonight. I know it’s really late where you are.”
With under twenty words, Seonghwa’s entire world felt like it was dangling on the edge of a precipice that he was very aware of and could change with just one movement forward or backwards.
He swallowed heavily and took a deep breath while watching the screen. The man on the screen’s lower lip was now visible in frame. It was wet and only getting wetter as the man nervously sucked it into his mouth as if it was a habit. One of the man’s hands reached up to rub at his reddening neck and the other slid down his chest to come to a stop on his clenched thigh.
“But I can help you unwind. I was feeling so lonely until I saw that you came. Thanks for keeping me company, handsome.”
It was him. It was definitely him. He would recognize that voice anywhere. He’d listened to it a thousand times or more in the past month or so. He would recognize it in a room of two hundred people. He had to close his laptop. He had to take the step backwards so his world wouldn’t topple headlong over the precipice that he knew he was dangling on.
“Please don’t go. I’ll miss you if you do.”
And so he fell. His entire world and mental stability slipped and tumbled down a miles high cliff with no end in sight. And though he knew that he would feel a mountain of guilt later, he couldn’t find it in him to care at this moment. Not with inches of skin like silk ribbons and lips like overripe peaches in his vision. He couldn’t care at all.
Seonghwa shook himself back to the present to focus on the scene in front of him with wonder. From the top of his head to the tips of his toes, the man was a marvel to behold. It was excruciating to Seonghwa to have no self restraint when it came to his mind’s desire to make connections.
Hongjoong’s eyes closed and his mouth fell open softly to focus on the song in his mind.
Hongjoong’s eyes squeezing shut, wet lips bitten, as his fingers slowly slid up the t-shirt billowing over his spread thighs.
Hongjoong’s delicate fingers floated along the keys like magic producing sounds even heaven would envy.
Hongjoong’s gentle fingers lowering his tight briefs to expose his already hardened cock which twitched as the cold air of the room brushed along its length.
Hongjoong’s compact and muscled legs clenching and moving along below the piano to hit the pedals and keep time with the beat of the song as he performed.
Hongjoong’s tightly muscled thighs undulating under him as his fingers wrapped around his leaking member that throbbed with heat as his other hand reached across the bed to grab a bottle of lube.
Hongjoong’s mouth opened to sing softly and with unbridled passion, “You touch me. I hear the sound of mandolins. You kiss me. With your kiss, my life begins. You’re spring to me. All things to me. Don’t you know you’re life itself?”
Hongjoong’s mouth opening to release a moan so soft and full of wanting that it nearly tears a hole in Seonghwa’s chest as he watches mouth ajar and eyes shining with wonder.
Hongjoong’s whole body swayed with the vibrant and erratic nature of his explosive piano playing.
Hongjoong keening from deep in his chest as his body sways trancelike while he pulls his body up and down on a shining, lubed toy that he holds beneath his prepped opening.
Hongjoong’s voice, loud and aching, nearly shaking the lamps from the ceiling as he pounded along the piano keys to conclude his heart wrenchingly beautiful rendition of the classic song.
Loud cries and moans pouring through Seonghwa’s headphones as Hongjoong jerks himself off while fully seated on the toy below him. Cum and sweat painting his clenching stomach and chest like constellations on a clear, dark night.
“Thanks for watching. I hope you’ll come again.”
The spell was broken as the crowd erupted into cheers around Seonghwa. His mind nearly melted with confused guilt as he vaulted to his feet and crossed the room in just a few steps to lock himself inside the single bathroom he had noticed on his way into the building. He left the lights off and paced the room with deep breaths that he pulled from his core.
He groaned as he realized that the front of his jeans were nearly wet with precum with how hard he had grown over a simple musical act. He knew at that moment that there was no way that he would ever leave his apartment again. If he made it out of this building without dying of shame, it would be a feat unattainable by most.
The cheering outside the door wasn’t stopping, so Seonghwa did what any disgusting, empty-minded fool would do in a public place. He laid his head against the cool, cinder block lined wall of the bathroom, unzipped his pants, and pulled at his own cock just five times before cumming frantically into the trash can that he had spotted with the light of the club as he entered just moments ago.
Disgusted with his actions and overwhelmed by the night’s events, Seonghwa waited another ten minutes before washing his hands and walking out into the now quiet venue. To his surprise, there were only a few people left that were finishing drinks or dancing closely on the wooden dance floor by the stage. He exhaled a breath of relief and moved quickly to escape the building unseen when a rough, high voice sounded from behind him.
“Leaving so soon?”
Seonghwa’s brain was mush as he slowly turned to find Hongjoong crouching in his seat at the bar again. His pinkish hair looked more red when it was wet and slicked back off his forehead in an impromptu pompadour. He was wearing a light pink Adidas tracksuit and whirling a glass with brown liquid in it in his hand daintily.
“Did you enjoy the show?” He continued while placing his drink on the bar and hopping down off the stool. He wandered over to Seonghwa with a tired smile and stopped right in front of him. “I thought you left before the encore.”
Seonghwa tried to think back to just a few minutes ago as he debased himself in the bathroom to the thought of the man in front of him. Had there been an encore? All Seonghwa could think of was the roar of the crowd and Hongjoong’s soft, panting voice saying, “Thanks for watching. I hope you’ll come again.”
“You did an encore?” He asked slowly. Mouth taking way too long to catch up with his brain.
“Not yet. But if you pay for my drink again, I can do a song just for you.”
Seonghwa actually blushed as Hongjoong looked up at him through his lashes with a small smile.
“For me?” He asked while placing a hand on his own chest.
Hongjoong nodded and smiled wider while placing his hand over the hand on Seonghwa’s chest for just a moment. “Yes...just for you.”
“Ok...I’ll buy you whatever drink you want then.”
Hongjoong giggled again which sent a joyous rush through Seonghwa’s body.
“Great…” He walked to the bar to drain his drink and grabbed his guitar which was on the stool beside him. “What would you like to hear, Seonghwa?”
Seonghwa smiled and avoided eye contact as he quickly replied, “Live Alive, please.”
Hongjoong’s smile doubled as he nodded and picked up his guitar.
If Seonghwa thought the versions online were good then this was perfection. His heart soared and plummeted with each chord strummed and each lyric belted. From beginning to end, he felt as if the song was plucked from his own soul, wringed out, and dripped into the pen of the man in front of him.
It ended too soon, and Seonghwa’s chest actually ached in its absence. He bowed slightly in Hongjoong’s direction as the other man put his guitar back down on the stool beside him and stood.
“Was it good?” He asked with a glint in his eyes.
“It was perfect.” Seonghwa responded resolutely.
Hongjoong just stood looking right at him with that same glint in his eyes but no words passing between him.
“Well...it was really great meeting you, but I have to go home. Thank you...thank you so much for everything, Hongjoong. You have no idea how much this meant to me.”
Seonghwa stepped forward with his hand extended as if to shake the other man’s hand. Hongjoong passed the extended hand entirely and pulled Seonghwa into a tight hug. He smelled of some kind of flowers and stronger liquor than Seonghwa could ever handle and felt warmer than anyone he had ever hugged. This was the worst case scenario in Seonghwa’s mind. How could he possibly go back to his stupid lonely apartment with his Gundam figures and his meal kits and his quiet nights after this hug? It was both the most beautiful and the most painful exchange that he had ever endured. So he decided to cut it short with a sigh.
But before he could pull away completely, Hongjoong pulled back just slightly to smile and look him in the eyes. After a second or two, he leaned back into the hug and his smile was especially audible as he whispered one more thing.
“Thanks for watching, Seonghwa. I hope you’ll come again.”